When my daughter was born, my paternity leave consisted of whatever paid and unpaid time off from work I could bank before the big due date. It took me almost two years, but I saved a month’s worth of vacation, sick and personal days. During that month, I changed diapers, helped my wife recover from a C-section, and bonded with my child.  

At the end of my paternity leave, which was still an oddity then, I returned to work. I had no choice. My wife’s maternity leave was at reduced or no pay at all and my family needed my health insurance and paycheck. Things were fine until they were not.

My wife had to have gallbladder surgery during her maternity leave. She also popped a stitch carrying our newborn down the stairs and was in a lot of pain. I wanted to be there but couldn’t. I felt helpless.

What prevents men from being engaged fathers?

It is no secret mothers carry most of the mental load of parenting. There is a demand, and rightly so, for fathers to be more engaged. However, after the argument for better paternity leave policies, there is no path for this to happen. Many men are prevented from becoming engaged fathers.

To put it bluntly, many fathers can’t afford to spend more time with their kids. It’s the exact same situation I found myself in 17 years ago.

According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, 55% of marriages “have a husband who is the primary or sole breadwinner, and 16% have a breadwinner wife.” The study also reports 29% of marriages where both spouses earn the same amount. While that last number is encouraging, the onus for providing an income for a family still falls primarily on men.

Now add in the average annual cost for childcare (a little over $10,000) and health insurance ($23,000). An average American family is already 33 grand in the hole the minute they have a child. This is before we get to the rising cost of diapers and formula, the housing market, or general inflation. Working parents everywhere are struggling just to survive. The term “side hustle” has now become part of a parent’s lexicon.

As a stay-at-home dad, I have seen the struggles my wife has endured as our financial caregiver. This goes beyond missing baseball games or not helping with laundry. She has fought back against misogyny and sexism to keep our health insurance. I point this out because being the primary breadwinner keeps one of the parents from being as engaged as they would want to be. And this cuts that way for most fathers.

Finally, societal and grassroots support systems in place for fathers are lacking. There is very little mentorship, acceptance or consistent quality advice available for fathers. A simple but telling sign: there are still men’s bathrooms in this day and age without changing tables. It’s such a simple fix that would help fathers and mothers everywhere.

My own experiences have shown me that fathers in the everyday parenting world are either treated as a potential threat or lavished with false praise for doing the simplest parenting job. When I go out with my dads’ group and their kids, especially early on when we had six dads with strollers, we’ve been stopped and asked to pose for pictures. I know of one father who was told to sit quietly during a playgroup with moms and not to speak unless someone approached him. And although that is a dramatic example, it still points to the problem.

What’s the solution to creating more engaged fathers?

To have more engaged fathers, ones that take on the mental load and are allowed to participate fully in family life, we have to make it possible for them to do so.

The burden of financial caregiving needs to be lessened. This includes affordable health insurance not tied to your employment and reasonable childcare. This is more difficult. In 2022, The Inflation Reduction Act was passed but cut out provisions for pre-kindergarten funding, lower childcare costs and enhanced tax credits, among others. This is disastrous for not just fathers. Not only did we not ease the financial difficulties for parents; we made it worse.

When legislation like this is passed, it’s mostly discussed on how it affects women and children. Fathers are often forgotten about in governmental policies and programs, which only adds to the dad as a “less than” parent association. For example, look at the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children, or WIC for short. Even though fathers can access the program, it’s not exactly inviting. Caregiving is genderless. Luckily, in this case, The National Fatherhood Initiative, one of the largest non-profit fatherhood-focused organizations, works with “human service organizations to be intentionally and proactively father-inclusive.”

To correct this thinking, we all need to treat fathers as parenting equals and expect them to be engaged. That means parenting spaces need to be more welcoming. When I go to story time with my children, I don’t need to ask why no one wants to sit next to me. I don’t need to be stopped for pictures with my dads, and please don’t applaud me for going to the grocery store with three kids. I’ve been doing it for 16 years, it’s normal.

And as it is normal, there continues to be a need for more fatherhood organizations that encourage the everyday involvement of fathers. These have been growing over the last decade such as Fathering Together, Movember for men’s mental health, and many others. There has also been more fatherhood advice that reaches dads where they are such as podcasts like The Dad Time Out Show and the Dadass Podcast, which recently worked with the Columbus City Council to install 130 changing tables. This is the kind of societal change that will go a long way to show that fathers are welcome, needed, and valued.

Becoming an engaged father doesn’t end with paternity leave. It’s the beginning and the first step to a future that is better for all parents.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo: Takako Harkness Photography courtesy New York Baby Show

When my first kid was born, I was terrified someone would take her from me. It was as if a little Rumpelstiltskin would show up and say, “Give me your firstborn!” Then he would run away with my kid to a sauerkraut factory. He’s a greasy little man in my visions.

What really worried me is that the moment my kid started crying, fusing or just existing, a mom or grandma would swoop in and take her away from me. I’m a dad, and dads are not built for caring for children. We all know he is an idiot that doesn’t know a onesie from a jumper. And the baby is crying because the baby doesn’t like Dad. Who the hell is the chump anyway? He smells like meat and sauerkraut.

That was my real fear. Not only would I not be good enough in others’ eyes, but I wouldn’t be good enough in my child’s eyes. I would be second best. Someone else would be her rock.

So, I took my kid and hid with her in the middle of the night. We watched Star Trek and the only judgement I got was from Captain Kirk. We boldly went to strange new worlds, exploring life together as I fed her, and my wife slept. This wasn’t a “favor” I was doing for my wife. This was for me. This was to ensure that no greedy hands would prevent me from being my daughter’s father in every way possible.

And it was there, with the Enterprise 1701, that I realized my kid didn’t prefer mom over me. The kid didn’t care at all. I was her dad, and that’s all that mattered. We are told that moms are more nurturing. It is explained to us that we don’t have that special gene that babies respond to more. We can’t ever know that bond.

What a load of crap.

Dads are meant for caring

“Babies are biologically programmed to engage with and be responsive to any and all adults who regularly provide care for them.”

That quote is from the book Myths and Lies about Dads by Dr. Linda Nielsen of Wake Forest University. Read that quote again and let that sink in. Truly.

How many times have we been told as fathers that we are JV team? Oh no, we can’t take the baby. Only moms know how to do that. And how many dads have used that excuse to get out of caring for their children? Man, that last one bothers me because you are robbing yourself of bonding experiences that can’t be recovered. It’s those late nights when our kids truly look at us and think, You know what, this guy is all right.

Those are the moments when we become a father, and we are often robbed of those opportunities. And that grand theft continues throughout their childhood as we are sidelined and gatekept by the well-meaning but misinformed.

Look, I know lots of dads who shun their duties. But I also know many of us had to fight to be involved, and even now we are ridiculed for it. We’ve all heard the stories of being yelled at while at the park or ignored during story time. We’ve all had our masculinity questioned because we stay home with our kids. Both fathers who shirk their responsibilities and fathers who are the primary caregivers can exist in the same universe. We shouldn’t be treated the same. Our kids shouldn’t be plucked out of our hands by small little people.

Dads are also born at children’s birth

“When a father holds his baby against this bare chest, his prolactin increases while his testosterone, blood pressure, and heart rate decrease.”

Well, look at that. Dads actually change biologically when our kids are born. We become calmer and less aggressive. We get ready to assume the role of caregiver. This is another fact from Dr. Nielsen’s book. We should all take note.

This week I helped an at-home dad. He was brand spanking new to it and felt like a failure. He had tied his worth to a paycheck and didn’t realize that when we dads care for our kids, that is our job. That it has as much value as when a mom does it. We change, we adapt, and we teach them the Vulcan death grip. No, we don’t do it like moms, and that is fine. Let moms be moms and dads be dads.

I hope he listened to me when I told him all this. I hope that he gets all the benefits of being Johnny on the spot. Dads are literally built to take care of our kids. Don’t let any little troll tell you otherwise.

Photo: © Halfpoint / Adobe Stock.

Editor’s Note: Back in 2014, City Dads Group co-founders Matt Schneider and Lance Somerfeld were asked to write about what they thought moms, bosses, and others should know about modern dads. Their words, which first appeared in New York Family magazine, still hold true today.

Modern dads can hack it

Generally, we as a society still haven’t quite come around to the idea that dads are also parents. If a dad takes his child on public transportation, goes grocery shopping, or bakes cupcakes for the school fundraiser, he’s a rock star. We’re over-praised by strangers for displaying even the most basic level of involvement in our children’s lives. Recently, on a crowded crosstown bus, Lance was reading a picture book with his son when a lady complimented him for being a “great dad.” What about all of the other moms and caregivers riding the bus with their children? Were they “great” parents too? The bar is still set extremely low for fathers, and we’re asking society to elevate their parenting expectations for us. We can deliver. Just give us the chance.

Today’s fathers love talking about parenting

There’s a mystique and misconception that modern dads keep their feelings inside when it comes to important topics like parenting and relationships. At NYC Dads Group, we have hosted parenting workshops about potty training, happy/healthy sleep habits, admission to preschool, becoming a new dad, and child passenger safety. We have heated conversations during these workshops. Dads were champing at the bit to share their opinions surrounding all topics of parenting. Modern dads want to share best practices for wiping their daughters after a poop, what to do when their kid refuses to nap, or what app they can use to log feedings during the first few months. They also want to vent their many frustrations. There’s the lack of changing stations in public restrooms, the lost spontaneity that comes with strict nap and feeding schedules, and not having enough personal time to pursue hobbies, see friends, or exercise. Today’s dads want to talk parenting — they just need the right forum.

New dads want it all

New and expectant dads are worried about how to be successful at work and successful at home. These dads share their fears and concerns about long hours, business travel, lack of paid family leave and/or flexible benefits, and rigid corporate culture. Not surprisingly, studies show that most dads want to be successful both in their careers and as fathers. We encourage dads to figure out what benefits they have and use them. They need to be transparent with supervisors so their bosses and coworkers know that being a parent is important. After that, we encourage working dads to carve out special time each week to tune in and do something they enjoy with their children.

Modern dads want to be on the team

Parenting is challenging work whether it’s mom or dad in charge. We believe in the idea that dads can be just as nurturing, capable, and confident as moms. Our children need to be fed, cared for, brought to school, assisted with homework, and shuttled to practice. Domestic chores like laundry, cleaning the home, and paying bills need to be tackled, and we’ve drawn the conclusion that it’s so much easier as a high-performance tag team of two. Today’s dads need ample opportunities early and often to learn. Too frequently, moms feel as if they’re the only ones who can properly care for their children, and dads are pushed aside. Please let us fail miserably, pull ourselves up, and learn from our mistakes so we can be capable partners.

Today’s fathers are different

Research shows fathers are more physical with their children. We might push them to take more risks. We also might do less housework, be the “fun” parent, and be more strict disciplinarians.

Frankly, we see plenty of dads on all sides of the spectrum — from the dad who totes around a paring knife and cutting board so fruits and vegetables are prepared at the ready to the dad who doesn’t cook at all and is fine with store-bought snacks. We see the handy dad who turns a milk carton and popsicle sticks into a birdhouse, and dads who pay their building’s super to put together the new toy kitchen. We see the dads who hover over their children as they move from one rung to the next on the monkey bars and dads who encourage their children to scale a 10-foot-high park fence. In our experience, modern dads don’t care about these misconceptions about whether we do it the same or different.

Bottom line? Children benefit from being exposed to various parenting styles. Feel free to find your rhythm, go with your gut, and embrace your differences.

Photo: © opolja / Adobe Stock.

During the first year of my children’s lives, if someone asked me if I was babysitting the kids, I’d brush it off. I did the same through Year Five. By Year Fifteen, I think I’m done being polite about it.

It’s such a weird thing to say to a father. Then there’s the look of sympathy in the eyes I’d get. The pity nod. We dads have all been through it.

You know, my kids are awesome. Why would I need anyone’s pity? The years I’ve spent as an at-home dad have been the best of my life. And I mean that as a guy who has been to a Super Bowl and didn’t have to pay for it. Sure, it’s been tough at times. All parenting is tough. But unlike a babysitter, I don’t get paid at the end of the night. I also don’t get a ride home in my boyfriend Chip’s bitchin’ new van. As a father, I’m never truly off the clock. Even when I’m away, I’m still a parent.

So, this year, as my daughter has turned 15, I think I’m done answering the question about babysitting the kids politely. I’ve earned that much, haven’t I? Haven’t all fathers?

So when someone asks me if I am babysitting my children, I think I’m going to use a new answer. I’ve been brainstorming, and there is a winner in here somewhere. Also, I think I may have anger issues over this.

So when I’m asked, “Are you babysitting the kids?” I’ll respond …

“Wait, I have kids? Who’s the mother? Does she know?”

“Oh, these aren’t my kids. I just picked them up at the grocery store. They were on sale.”

“Babysitting would imply that I would be getting paid. Do you have any money?”

“This one time in college I grabbed a live car battery to impress a girl. That doesn’t have anything to do with your question, but I thought we were both just saying stupid shit.”

“No, these are my pets.”

“Shh, don’t tell the cops. I don’t think they know.”

“Honey, you don’t babysit crotch goblins like these. You herd them. I’m a modern-day rancher. Hand me that shock collar, will ya?”

“I completed nine years of study at the prestigious Julliard School of Child Care, did my fieldwork under the world-renown Mary Poppins, and toured with Frozen on repeat in my minivan. Madam, if I am a simple babysitter, then you are the Queen of England!”

“Yup, just like you’re babysitting that third chin.”

“I think the laws of nature preclude me babysitting something that came out of my nut sack.”

“All those sleepless nights. All that stress during the birth. All the anxiety I carry around with me all day wondering if I have what it takes. Well, it makes it all worthwhile when someone calls me a babysitter.”

“Miss Manners once said, ‘If you can’t say something kind, say something vague.’ So, you suck. But in a vague way.”

“Out of the 15 times I’ve been asked this today, this is the one that truly touches me. Thank you — oh, thank you — for noticing how good a babysitter I am. A lot of fathers strive to be a babysitter and it’s just nice to finally reach that level of competence.”

“That’s what it says on their birth certificate. Not father. Babysitter.”

“Actually, the official term is ‘Behavior and Domestic Associate Systems Specialist.’ Or B.A.D.A.S.S. for short.”

Photo: © Olesia Bilkei / Adobe Stock.

I want to spoil my kids rotten.

But it’s not with all the toys and other materialistic things you might be thinking!

I want to spoil them with experiences and my presence. I want to be there, not just say I’m there or post a dope pic on my IG acting like I’m there.

Is it hard investing all that time, especially after a long week of working and handling other responsibilities? Of course it is, but if I don’t do it who will?

Want to make the greatest investment of your life? Work on being present and loving it. It can take a while, but that investment is one that always pays off in the long run.

My dad spoiled me rotten. He would buy me all the newest sneakers and video games I wanted. But the one thing he gave me the most, which I didn’t appreciate until I was older, was his time.

His presence made a huge difference in my life. The toys, the gifts, all that, were just a quick fix. A gift loses value over time and then you’ll want something new anyway. If we are going to raise the bar every time then it has to be through our experiences and time together.

Avoid guilty buys

Have you ever bought your kids stuff because you felt guilty for not being there? We all have done it before, some more than others.

I try to avoid the guilty buys by always being involved with my sons. I coach their basketball teams, help with homework. You know, the things we parents are supposed to do and so much more that I don’t show the world.

I just don’t do it; I try to have fun with it. If it’s something I think would be cool for me to do, I make my kids part of it. I don’t give myself the option of feeling guilty. That feels real good to write. I’m proud to not to be just a weekend dad; instead, I invest year round in my kids.

Real world over virtually reality

The worst thing we can do is let our kids grow up in a bubble and be oblivious to the rest of the world. Today’s kids are hooked to digital devices like their lives depend on it. They know what they see on the Net and we all know that sometimes that stuff isn’t right.

Growing up, I always knew there was more than just the block I was raised on and it started with my dad taking me off it when he could. Investing your time off the block doesn’t even have to kill your pockets. There are a ton of free things to do to create really dope memories if you really look. A simple train ride or even a car ride can hook it up.

If you do want to spend a little cash why not try something you always wanted to do. Always wanted to do a rope climbing course or love the arcades like Chuck E Cheese? Than do them! There are no rules saying you can’t have fun while your kids do.

Better yet, start knocking off bucket list items with your kids. That’s how you really do it big. Create dope memories together!

The world isn’t boring; your presence shouldn’t be either. You and your kids will look back and smile at all the cool things you did together. Now that’s winning.

A version of this first appeared on Cool4Dads.

1. Don’t take offense

You’re a dude. Most of the playdate parents you will deal with, especially if you are a stay-at-home dad, will be moms. They may feel weird about dropping their kid off at your house for two hours when they hardly know you. Not to mention that you may or may not be a gigantic scary looking human being to their small child. It’s all about comfort levels.

2. Keep a playdate neutral

Choosing your house for the “first date” is going way too fast. Meet up somewhere public like a playground so if it doesn’t go well there is no pressure to reciprocate.

3. Set a time limit

Standard times are two hours for kids who can sustain play by themselves without parent interaction. This may include your child if he or she is age 4 or older. Kids who are younger than 4, trust me, an hour is going to be plenty.

4. Set playdate parameters

Talk to the other parent about expectations, especially if the playdate is at your house. Set a time to drop off and pick up. Once, I didn’t do this and the parent showed up three hours later. Apparently, she went to see a movie that she didn’t have time for usually and thought that was acceptable.

5. Exchange digits

If your playdate parent is dropping off, make sure you have cell phone and home phone numbers in case something happens. Also, make sure the parent has yours in case he or she gets stuck in traffic or hung up somewhere.

6. Ask questions

Ask the parent if he or her child has any allergies or restrictions. Maybe they don’t eat a certain kind of food or are deathly allergic to something you think is otherwise safe.

7. Again, don’t be offended

If the parent you invited to the playground suddenly has her friends show up by “surprise,” let it go. She wasn’t sure of you, my friend, and having backup to talk to about girl stuff will probably make her more comfortable. While you may be comfortable watching others’ kids, they may not be until they know you more. Bonus: You just met more potential playdate parents! Everyone wins.

8. Pay attention

Watch the interaction between your kid and his new “friend.” Does this kid share? Do they play well together? Does the playdate kid offer to clean up without issue? Does the new friend scream when it is time for it to be over? These can all be things that make or break the playdate.

9. Chat the other parent up

Don’t talk about football constantly. You may want to get her take on whether Julio Jones is going to score any fantasy points for you this week but that is not good form. Ask about her family and share information about yours. While the kids are getting to know each other, you should get to know the other parent.

10. Give it play time some time

Kids will rarely get along perfectly the first time. Keep trying these public playdates until you become more comfortable with the other parent’s child. When you do become comfortable, then you can offer to host at your house. Once you establish a rapport, you can trade off dates. Eventually you will have established a routine that allows for either of you to get some time to yourself without worry.

A version of this first appeared on DadNCharge.

How is being a dad today different than it was two decades ago?
It’s no longer a solitary activity, thanks to organization’s like NYC Dads Group, says author Jim Joseph (shown at left), who writes about his first experience at one of our Meetup events with Britax in the article Joining the NYC Dads Group on HuffPo Parents.
“All I could think about is how my life would have been different had I that kind of support when I was going through it 20 years ago … and how different my children’s lives would have been too,” wrote Joseph, a marketing and communications executive with two adult children. “They also had no role models to look to as they were in a household with a divorced dad, a gay dad, and then a coupled dad. I imagine they could have used the support too.
“I know it would have done a world of good for me.”
Read the article on HuffPo Parents.

A&E launched a new look at fatherhood last night in their latest series, Modern Dads. The show follows four stay at home dads from Austin, Texas. This new series will follow their exploits as they navigate their lives; juggling the requirements and social expectations of being both a ‘modern man’ and ‘modern dad’ while their significant others are off at work. The dads all in their late thirties to early forties cover ever stay at home dad category; you have Nate (the new dad), Rick (the veteran dad), Sean (the step-dad) and Stone (the single dad).  Where is the dad who is trying to write a recap of a new show while a three year old is trying to climb on him? Maybe next season.

Each of the dad have their own unique quirks. Nate is raising his son Cormac and while he comes off a little nervous and smothering, he is really good at what he does and his wife really appreciates all he does. Especially keeping their son in clean diapers. Stone, who is divorced and shares custody with his ex-wife, sees lots of similarities between dating and raising his five year old daughter. “The puppy dog eyes, the mixed messages and I pay for everything.” Sean, who has been raising his girlfriend Rachel’s two kids since their birth father left the family a few years ago. He doesn’t think biology makes someone a father, involvement in a child’s life does.  And finally there is Rick, who has four kids including a pair of one-year old twins. having school age kids looking for backpacks and babies getting into everywhere make every morning an adventure.

Rick’s wife discusses having a birthday party for the twins. Rick says that he can handle it, and he’d get some help from the guys. She was a little skeptical. So when the guys and their kids meetup at their local playground. The men brainstorm ideas, Rick is really into a Godzilla themed party. But cooler heads prevail and a princess party is being planned. 

Meanwhile the group is encouraging single guy Stone into getting a vasectomy. Especially since he claims to be done with babies and marriage, but still has his hands full with the ladies. Stone thinks that they are just jealous of free lifestyle. There probably is a shred of truth there. While at the supermarket with Rick looking for cakes, Stone picks up a very pretty young lady who has a friend who makes cakes. Of course she does. Stone does go talk to a urologist, and while the surgery seems very minor. He chooses to think about it for a while.

Its now party day. The park is being decorated. The girl from the store is delivering cakes. And everything is perfect. Even the stocks that Sean tried to make, which his girlfriend eventually had to make since he isn’t very good with power tools, came out great. Rick’s wife Meghan was so impressed and said that she couldn’t have put the party together this good. 

So the mundane and lonely parts of parenthood (even for those of us who have other parents to hang out with) have been excluded from the show, but Modern Dads is a TV show and fun and exciting things need to happen to keep the show going forward. The dads  have their faults but are shown in a good light; they adore their kids, they are competent and are not insecure about being their kids’ primary caregiver.

If you follow our blog, you will realize that RedBook Magazine published an article this month that confirms what we have been blabbing about for quite some time – communities of dads are forming across the nation in a big way!  And not just in the major metropolitan cities either.  Check out Happy to Be a Stay-at-Home Dad: Stay-at-home dads are forming groups all over the country By Douglas Quenqua (a talented writer based in NYC).

Quenqua takes a tour around the country by spotlighting four large groups of dads: Washington D.C., Austin, Kansas City, and Portland.  These groups vary in size from 75 – 500 members, but you will notice from the numerous dads quoted in the article that these fathers are confident in their role as being nurturing, active, and totally involved in their children’s lives.  For me, reading the article was entertaining because I would consider one of our coolest NYC dad Group outings as renting a Luxury Box at the Staten Island Yankees Game with our children….and that is so different than the Kansas City dudes who went as a group with their kids to NASCAR…and met Danica Patrick!

Quenqua writes, “There are support networks aplenty if you’re a stay-at-home mom, but if you’re a full-time dad, good luck gaining entry. “I know what an episiotomy is, but if you’re a woman, you probably don’t want to talk about it with me,” says Shannon Carpenter, a dad in Kansas City, MO, who, like a growing number of American men, stays home to care for his two kids. Feeling a bit out of place at local mommy-and-me classes, Shannon and other fathers have banded together into what might be described as fraternities for 30-somethings: stay-at-home-dad groups. Some form after guys meet at their kids’ school functions, others are born out of Facebook groups and Craigslist postings; most of them meet at least once a week, usually at a playground or one guy’s home. And memberships are rising.”

Sure, local park, playground, and museum outings and playgroup at someone’s home is covered in the article.  Yes, dads groups are a necessity for guys who like to do so much on their own for socialization and support as they navigate parenthood.  Other important things that dads groups are doing that was not mentioned are partnering with local parenting organizations to establish better resources for fathers like new dads classes as well as daddy & me classes, hosting workshops covering common parenting topics like preschool admissions, potty training, introducing solid foods, and discipline, hosting meaningful screenings and author discussions to equip us with tools and best practices on becoming a better dad, using websites and social media to share articles and resources, and working with their local community to move the conversation forward about fatherhood.   Additionally, I would like to add, that many of the dads groups these days are not strictly for Stay-at-Home-Dads…they are open to dads of all stripes including working dads who do not get enough credit.
Huge props to RedBook Magazine for recognizing the surge and necessity of dads groups as well as our friends in Kansas City, D.C, Portland, and Austin for providing such a positive image of fatherhood!

Josh struck a nerve with his post on Friday, Comical Misandry and the Involved Father; How Not to Screw up the Conversation About the Modern Dad. The piece was picked up by one of our favorite websites, The Good Men Project, and it was spread far and wide on the various intertubes. Lisa Duggan, co-founder of the terrific new website, The Parent du Jour, sent in this thoughtful response and agreed to let us post it here.

This is my husband, Frank Linkh, responding:

My wife made me look at this video; she was clearly annoyed by it. But I just thought it was a case of the media controlling the message. This is not a format for serious discourse — we know at a glance that this is going to be a “catty chat.” Adam is in on the joke, and he’s not going to break form. So be it.

I’m not mad, I’m amused. Men can’t handle logistics? Step off, sister. We mastered logistics long ago — so we could have our many, intercontinental wars.

Lisa speaks:

I agree with my husband, everyone here is sticking to a pre-determined script. Adam too, which I think is unfortunate, because he’s selling himself, and the involved-dad community he’s part of, short. One listen to Adam & Josh Becker’s Late Night Parent Show will reveal how important parenting is to them both. They may not take themselves seriously, but they do take their jobs as fathers seriously.

Like many contemporary dads, neither one of these men need or asks their wife’s permission to have a relationship with their kids.

Amy and Victoria’s remarks remind me of the way other women spoke to me when I first had my daughter and was staying home with her. A derogatory remark made about their husband, or dads in general, followed by a knowing sigh or eye-roll.

I was supposed to nod and sigh in agreement, and at first, I did. But eventually, I stopped. I realized that it was only natural that I was better at taking care of Alice—not natural, as in biologically predetermined—but as in you can’t become good at something you never get a chance to practice. I spent way more time with Alice than Frank did, therefore I knew her better and was better at being her parent.

I decided that the only way Frank would become as ‘good’ a parent was for me to get out of his way. So when Alice was two I took a trip to see a friend in Chicago. Nobody died. I learned that my husband and I were interchangeable as parents.

That wasn’t easy for me to accept, but the alternative was a life of owning the entire responsibility for her emotional health and physical well-being, along with a lifetime of resentment against my husband for not knowing her as well. We differ in style, yes, but we’re both equally able to take care of Alice. The bond he and my daughter made that weekend continues.

Perpetuating stereotypes may be comforting—it’s easier to assign blame to a group, rather than deal with individuals—and it certainly makes great TV.

But we’ll never move the cause of women’s equality —or the equality of all people—ahead if we continue to perpetuate and promote negative stereotypes about fathers and men. Would iVillage have aired a show whose topic portrayed women in a negative, stereotypical light? (Like, “Stay-at-home-Mothers: How Much of Their Husband’s Money Can They Spend?”.)

Here’s something else. When I became a mother just eight years ago, staying at home was still predominantly a woman’s game, even in our “progressive” community. After a lifetime of working alongside both women and men, I was suddenly, almost exclusively, surrounded by women. At the store, at school, in Starbucks. I was soaking in estrogen. My friend Betsy called it mommy-world.

It was a lopsided world. I missed my male friends and colleagues. I didn’t understand why, once I became a parent, these men — who were funny, smart, competent and great to work and play with — had become the enemy. I thought it was sad that more of them couldn’t follow me home; we would have had a ball together, tackling the challenges of parenthood, just as we once worked together to get a newspaper out.

I’m glad to observe that more and more men are able and choosing to stay home, either part-time or full-time and that even those that work traditional full-time jobs are intimately, actively, involved with their kids’ lives. In fact, my current business partner is a stay-at-home father of three. (He tells his story on our new website.)

It’s great to be able to talk openly to both men and women about being a parent. There are so many benefits to having a variety of points of view at hand; more resources and more solutions. Chief among them is how it frees women to excel and engage in other areas, and to not exclusively shoulder the blame when the kids turn out bad, too.

If I could, I’d tell Amy and Victoria and the rest of the iVillage to take another look at their husbands, and the fathers they know. Are they really that one-dimensional, or does it serve you to continue to think of them that way? I’d ask them to think about the example they are setting for their little boys when they speak about dads in this way. If you start with the notion that boys are less equipped for parenting, you’ll raise them to fulfill that promise.