It’s been more than 15 years since Matt Schneider and I became at-home dads, knowing that we were headed into the most amazing and challenging years of our lives. We were amateur dads then, and even now, we are far from experts. Fortunately, we are surrounded by a large community of fathers of all stripes in our NYC Dads Group and beyond so we have a network to draw upon for some tips and best practices.

We developed these top 10 tips for stay-at-home dads back in 2011 at the request of HealthyWoman website. We sincerely believe these tips can still be a valuable asset to a parent of any gender who chooses to be the primary caregiver to his or her child.

10 At-Home Parenting Tips for Dads

By stay-at-home dads Lance Somerfeld and Matt Schneider

1. Clear communication with your wife/partner on responsibilities
   It is imperative to discuss expectations and responsibilities early and often regarding all aspects of parenting. Discuss expectations about cooking and home care, contributions to parenting at night and on weekends, managing relatives, etc. Setting clear expectations upfront will reduce conflict and resentment.
2. Find time for yourself
   Now that you are an at-home parent, parenting does not have to consume your entire life. It is extremely important to carve out personal “me” time for yourself to still get together with your friends, hit the gym or pursue a hobby.
3. Take your job seriouslyhttps://citydadsgroup.com/at-home-parenting-isolation/
   As with any other job, you should navigate parenthood with the goal of being the best dad you can be, the same way you strive to succeed at any job.
4. Consider the future
   Being an at-home dad may not be your job forever so it is important to continue networking within your field or area of expertise, staying sharp and keeping up on current events.
5. Connect with other parents
   You are not alone in this journey of parenthood although it may feel isolating at times. In fact, isolation is one of the chief complaints of stay-at-home parents. It’s so important to socialize, network and share your tips and frustrations with other dads. Join a dads group (there are so many of them now) or a local parenting group.
6. Establish a routine
   Having your child(ren) on a consistent schedule (eating, napping, bedtime routine) is important for them so they know what to expect every day and for you so you can confidently plan your day.
7. Get out of the house
   It’s easy to feel overwhelmed at home with housework or parenting responsibilities. Getting fresh air is important for you and your child. Make sure you get out once or twice a day (even during winter) to take a walk with the stroller through a park, run a few errands, enroll in a parent and child class, or hit the local library or bookstore.
8. Seek advice or help
   Let’s face it: many dads don’t like to ask for directions or read the manual. We recommend approaching parenting a little differently — you can’t do it all by yourself. Ask for help when you need it whether it’s hiring a cleaning person to help with housework or calling another parent with a challenge regarding child discipline, potty training or sleep wakings.
9. Embrace the experience
   Sometimes it may be hard to realize, but caring for your child during the first few years of his or her life is a wonderful opportunity. You not only get to observe and witness the major milestones, but, you get to share and enjoy the small wondrous moments that happen every day!
10. Shattering stereotypes and informing society
    At-home dads oftentimes get a bad rap based on negative perceptions in media and society at large. You must inform others, as well as demonstrate through parenting, that fathers can be nurturing, competent and caring.

This at-home parenting tips article was first published 2011 on HealthyWomen. Photo: © Wayhome Studio / Adobe Stock.

Editor’s Note: We’ve been reviewing the 14 years of content compiled on this site to uncover some parenting pearls of wisdom that need to be rediscovered. This post about mastering certain parenting concepts was originally published in October 2010.

The recent at-home dads’ convention in Omaha, Neb., was chock full of content. One workshop inspired me the most, though — the feature presentation by Dr. Frank E. Bowers, a supervising psychologist at the Boys Town Behavioral Health Clinic, part of Boys Town Community Support Services in Nebraska, on “the most important job in the world,” fatherhood.

During Bower’s introduction, the audience was told we would “discover why the role of fatherhood is so critical to the success of our children and what we can do better at our job.” OK, you had me hooked!

This thought-provoking presentation revolved around the Top 10 Parenting Concepts to Remember. I will add that these concepts are just as appropriate for moms as well as dads. In fact, I would not be surprised if this passionate speaker, completes a similar inspirational presentation frequently to mothers groups.

Bowers describes the goal of parenting as “safe passage from birth to adulthood.”

So, let’s get down to the Top 10 Parenting Concepts:

1. Adult Think vs. Child Think

As parents, we need to constantly remind ourselves that we are talking to a child and they don’t think the same way we do. Their brains are not yet wired for the same logic we are. Set your behavioral expectations accordingly. Be a firm parent dad with a lot of structure.

2. Emotional Parenting (E-Line) vs. Purposeful Parenting (P-Line)

The aim here (without displaying the line graph) is that as parents we should work hard at hovering close to the “P” line — purposeful, powerful and proactive parenting — rather than hovering on the Emotional “E” line. This will result in a lot more “time in” with our kids than dealing with “time out.”

3. The Secret To Parenting…

The secret is to give our children what they want when they give you the behaviors you want. What do your children want the most? Your attention!

4. How We Learn?

A. Repetition – think about how you learned your multiplication tables.
B. Contrast – think 98.6 degrees vs. 350 degrees
Rule: The greater the contrast, the fewer repetitions needed.

The lesson from touching a hot stove (350 degrees) vs. touching another person (98.6 degrees) requires a lot less repetition to be learned. Therefore, you might have to keep telling your toddler to stop hitting other kids over and over again (lots of repetition). If you ever say to tell your child, “How many times do I have to tell you” … well, the answer is “at least one more time.”

5. Kids Want Structure

They won’t tell you this, but it helps tremendously.

6. Discipline is the Goal

Discipline helps create better behavior in the future. It is NOT punishment, which can be retroactive. Teaching self-discipline is key. For example, you cut your kid’s meat into small pieces so they can eat it with the hopes of modeling so one day they can cut their own food.

7. Set Them Up for Success

•  Provide adequate structure.
• Don’t “invite” them to lie. If you know they took a cookie from the jar, don’t ask them if they took the cookie when you already know the answer.
•  Make expectations developmentally appropriate.

8. Catch Them Being Good!

This one really resonated with me. We are constantly watching for negative behavior so we can pounce on it and correct it.  We should spend more time praising the behavior we want from our children. Therefore, give our kids more attention when acting appropriately than when doing something we disapprove of.

9. Be a Good Role Model

“A lesson is caught more than taught!” The example Bowers used was paying for a movie with your 13-year-old. If the price is lower for ages 12 and under and you tell your kids to say, “I am only 12” to save some cash, you are basically teaching your kid to cheat.

10. Enjoy Your Children

Every stage has its ups and downs.  At least I am on target with this concept — we are having a blast!

Some final food for thought:

• If you argue with your kids, you lose!  You bring yourself to a peer-to-peer level instead of parent-to-child dynamic.
• Sail on the high “SEAS” of parenting: consistent-sea (consistency) and persistent-sea (persistency)

You might think many of these concepts are common sense, but once you reflect a bit on your parenting style, there is plenty here to digest and improve upon. Now, I need to sign off and figure out how to parent closer to the “P” line so I don’t get so emotional and bent out of shape.

Photo: © anoushkatoronto / Adobe Stock.

Dads are starting to whisper more loudly than ever about struggling to strike a balance between work and family obligations that mothers have been talking about for years. We know this because as we are meeting up each week with groups of dads in our community – juggling career, family, and personal time – is a frequent topic of discussion.  In fact, work-life balance is a common concern with most expectant fathers that participate in our weekly Boot Camp for New Dad Workshops.  These expectant dads are asking important questions: Do other dads move to a more flexible schedule when they have children?  What are some best practices that other dads use to carve out time with their little ones during the work week?  I plan to take two weeks off when the baby is born, is that enough time? How much time should I be taking off from work for my first child? What do other dads do about reducing travel when they start a family?

Not surprisingly, increased numbers of research studies (mentioned below) are focusing on family and career struggles as well as a microscope on dads as they fit into the equation.  We try to highlight some of the current research on this site, but continually reference The Families and Work Institute national study. Some interesting findings:

• The Families and Work Institute did a national study of the workforce in 2008 and found that for the first time in history, more men reported experiencing work-life conflict than women–60 percent versus 47 percent. 
• fathers average three more hours of work per week than their childless male counterparts!
• Men with working wives felt more stress than those with a stay-at-home partner.

This week, Redbook published a relevant article, “The New Daddy Guilt,” that is based on their recent POLL, phone interviews, and drawing upon the mounds of recent research about family and work balance:

“He works! He nurtures! He’s exhausted. But today’s working dads still don’t feel they’re doing enough, well enough. Sound familiar, moms?… Dads now teeter on the tightrope of work and family obligations that moms have been walking for decades, and it’s stressing them out….In interview after interview, fathers said the same thing: If you’re not disappointing the boss, you’re disappointing the other boss–the one who just lost a tooth.”

Christopher Helman, a 38-year-old journalist from Houston, works from home, divides up parenting tasks with his wife–and clears time for fun: “Some days I’ll drop everything to play or ride bikes, and I’ll get back on my laptop after they go to bed. I remember exactly zero times that my dad or stepdad played with me on a weekday afternoon, and I think I’m closer to my kids because of that.”

Congratulations to Redbook, a magazine that has typically turned me off or sent me running in the other direction in the past with so much of its content written for mom.

With this piece, it provides such an engaging piece about the modern dad and those that love us. We hope to see more frequent articles and content geared for both involved parents in the home! 

Excellent article in The New York Times about the changing face of dads, “Dads are Taking Over as Full-Time Parents (Just Wait Until Your Mother Gets Home)” by Alex Williams. The article features many members of the NYC Dads Group as well as some of our favorite fathers around the country, including Mike Adamick in San Francisco and Dave Worford in Colorado. Some of our favorite quotes:

Six years later, he considers himself less a Mr. Mom than a new archetype of the father as provider. “I sort of take things upon myself,” said Mr. Griffioen, whose family has added a son and moved to Detroit. “I don’t go to the store to buy my kids toys. I make them toys. I do woodworking, leatherworking. I learned all sorts of manly skills that I never would have had time to learn if I were sitting in an office 28 stories above San Francisco.”

“Just a few years ago, I was usually the lone dad on the playground during the day,” Lance Somerfeld, 39, said on a recent sunny Wednesday morning, while hanging out with eight other dads at the Heckscher Playground in Central Park. “The moms and nannies gawked at me like I was an exhibit at the zoo. Now, I’m the new normal.”

But Brad Harrington, director of the Boston College Center for Work and Family, who has conducted multiple studies involving fatherhood, said that many men now feel the freedom to choose to be at-home dads for the deeper rewards, even when their jobs are secure. Of those who had made the choice, Professor Harrington said, “many expressed, ‘This may be the most meaningful work I’ll ever do.’ ” 

Last week, he [Brooklyn Dad, Chris Michel]  recalled: “We were walking through the park, and I had a nice alliterative line drop into my head, so I pulled out my phone, opened up the tiny little word editor, trying to frantically type this good line. And of course, as soon as I opened my phone, she wants to show me this bug that she has found.” 

“This ain’t the 20th century,” he added. “There are 300 million people in the U.S., so there are 150 million ways to be a man.”

Definitely worth a read and a big step forward for the media’s representation of stay-at-home dads.

UPDATE: We’re very sad to report that Andrew Aidan Legar has passed. His story will forever live in our hearts and we send our love and condolences to Roi, Michelle and the rest of the Legar family. Please consider a donation to this family as they recover from this tragedy and try to put their lives back together. See link below.

We got together with some friends this past weekend who recently moved out of New York City to Westchester.  They were listing all of the amazing things about their new home – the backyard, the playroom in the basement, the pool, a big spacious kitchen with windows, blah, blah, blah.  Then, they inquired about when we were making the big move out of town.  Not happening for us yet!  Sure, getting more space for your money is a nice luxury, but so is living in the big city with all of its amenities and conveniences for parents.  It’s funny, later on after a few drinks, they admitted that the commute was a pain in the ass and that if they could afford it, they would buy a small studio apartment to keep their close ties.

We are within 10 blocks of six playgrounds, we have a pharmacy, pizza shop, gym, and deli on our block, four avenues to Central Park, and within a 15-minute walk or bus ride to some of the best child-friendly museums in the world.  We love the city!

What we don’t love is when our son gets woken up from his sleep because of our noisy neighbors!  Yes, one shortcoming of our apartment is that we have a noisy neighbor that lives above us.  To combat the noise, our son sleeps with a white noise sound machine each night that sounds like a light rain as well as a constant hum from his humidifier.  That combination generally drones out any noise in the hallways or conversations between my wife and me.  Additionally, our son is aware that some noises are normal because we live in a building and there are sounds on the street of sirens, horns, and buses zooming by.  We were not prepared for what happened last night.

After putting my son to sleep last night, our apartment began to shake and rattle.  No, it was not another earthquake.  As it was happening, I was cursing the guy above us because I knew he was the culprit and it was going to cause my son to get out of his bed.  Sure enough, within minutes, my son came out of his room and asked me what was happening – I told him that our neighbor was probably making a cake so he was using a mixer to get the batter nice and smooth. 

I walked my son back to his bed and, fortunately, he only got out of his bed once more.  I was racking my brain at what the constant clomping and shaking could be.  Finally, my son fell asleep and I went upstairs to knock on the door of our neighbor.

A brief history:  This is the third time I have knocked on this guy’s door. 

First time – we moved in six months ago and two nights in a row from 6 p.m. til all hours of the night, it sounded like someone was screeching their fingernails on a chalkboard.  My son woke up multiple times during those two nights and so I knocked to find out the cause.  It turns out the guy had buddies over for a card game and it was the wooden chairs scraping on the hardwood floor – my wife suggested giving him these felt stickers that go on the bottom of furniture to lessen the noise – problem solved.

Second time: New Year’s Eve. I get it. New Year’s Eve is a night for parties and celebrations. True, but at what time do you say the “party is over.” The noise this time sounded like someone was weightlifting, and every 5 minutes or so the barbells were slamming against the floor.  Our son was up from 4 a.m. – 5:30 a.m. until I marched up there to complain. 

So, I knocked on the door last night and I explained to our neighbor that my son was up a couple of times from the noise.  “Oh, that was my treadmill”, he said.  It was the guy upstairs running on his treadmill perfectly timed for my son’s bedtime. Before I could say anything, the guy said, “I understand you are upset.  I was a light sleeper when I was little and I won’t use the treadmill at night anymore.”  “In fact, here is my cell number…next time, just call or text me about the noise and I will stop rather than you knocking on my door.”

I was a bit surprised that he was so empathetic, but Stay tuned to see how this all plays out.

Wondering if other parents have similar challenges with parenting and noisy neighbors?

Two weeks ago, ABC World News With Diane Sawyer aired a positive segment talking about the “modern American family” and how stay-at-home dads fit into the equation. We were fortunate to have one of our own active NYC Dads Group members, Dave Lesser, his daughter Penny, and his wife Allister participate in a meaningful and compelling piece on the importance of being a caring, involved, and competent father.
Good Morning America, also on ABC, enjoyed the segment so much, they decided to use a lot of the interviews, footage, and b-roll to develop a more comprehensive segment (4 minutes long!) – Modern Families: Stay At Home Dads On the Rise.

On a day when Dave’s daughter Penny had pink eye and clearly was not herself, and wife heads off to work, Dave agreed to have a camera crew follow him around for the entire day to catch a “day in the life” of an at-home dad. Napping on her dad, consoling her while she is upset, trekking over to the pediatrician’s office, preparing meals, and pretend play as his daughter is the princess … no doubt Dave Lesser demonstrates his role in such a positive light. You can truly see the joy and passion he gets from being the primary caregiver – certainly more rewarding than his previous career in law.

My favorite part of the segment was the unique roundtable discussion with three of our NYC Dads Group members at the NY Children’s Museum of the Arts: Bruce Razza, Rune Lund, and Saxon Palmer.  These dads were on the hot seat sharing their candor, honest feelings about perceptions in society and on the playground, what a dads’ social/support group gives you, and how they stay engaged in their children’s lives.  Saxon Palmer said it so well: what does the NYC Dads Group community provide? “knowing you are not alone … that I got this posse of other guys that are doing the same thing so I am not an anomaly!”

ABC World News With Diane Sawyer aired a positive segment on Tuesday evening talking about the “modern American family” and how stay-at-home dads fit into the equation.  We were fortunate to have one of our own active NYC Dads Group members, Dave Lesser, his daughter Penny, and his wife, Allister participate in a meaningful and compelling piece on the importance of being a caring, involved, and competent father.

On a day when Dave’s daughter Penny has pink eye and clearly is not herself, and his wife heads off to work, Dave agreed to have a camera crew follow him around for the entire day to catch a “day in the life” of an at-home dad. Napping on her dad, consoling her while she is upset, trekking over to the pediatrician’s office, preparing meals, and pretend play as his daughter is the princess … no doubt Dave Lesser demonstrates his role in such a positive light.  You can truly see the joy and passion he gets from being the primary caregiver – certainly more rewarding than his previous career in law.

As Lesser says, ‘I’m Not an Anomaly’: More Dads are Staying Home to Raise Kids.  We sure are! Great to see ABC recognize the importance of dads connecting socially with other dads and highlighting the rise of dads communities.

An excerpt from the article:

Dave’s wife Allister stated, “He is more patient. … He is more easygoing. He’s just so perfectly suited to being home with her and helping her thrive in that environment,” said Allister Lesser, who returned to her job as a fundraiser. “There is no way I could do the job that he does. … I know he’s a lot better at [staying home] than I am.”

Dave said, “I knew deep down inside that I was not going to be a good lawyer. It wasn’t a good fit. … That career path was a mistake,” he said. “I never had that passion as an attorney. I do have that passion as a dad.”

Age 2 – some call it the “terrible two’s”

Age 3 – I have not heard a term that comes along with it, but I might be inclined to call it the “horrific threes”

My son is 3 1/2 and daily parenting has become so challenging and tiring lately that I don’t understand why no one gave us a heads-up on what to expect.  Let me provide a glimpse of what is going on the past two days to provide some clarity:

• My son borrows a toy airplane on the playground is playing nicely with it.  Flying it up in the air, pretending he is a pilot, and even talking about the snacks they serve.  The owner of the plane (another 3-year-old) wants the toy back and tries to grab it out of my son’s.  My son says “no, no, no.”  I walk over and explain to my son that it’s the other boy’s toy and we can take “a turn” for one more minute before we return it.  The result: My son immediately swats the other boy in the face! Short fuse!
• My son is eating his cream of wheat for breakfast and the consistency is a little too thick for him so there is not enough “dripping” off his spoon.  He chucks the spoon and then the bowl of cream of wheat onto the floor.  Short temper!
• My son has his friend Jordan (5) and Blake (2) over for a playdate.  He sees little Blake playing over in the “play kitchen” area.  For whatever reason my son aggressively hugs Blake – Blake does not like that and shouts.  I explain to Jake that Blake did not like that and he needs to be more gentle.  My son repeats it again very aggressively (strike two).  I tell my son he needs to leave Blake alone “keep hands to himself.”  A few minutes later, my son does it again and Blake starts to cry (strike three – time out).
• My son says he needs to go pee in the potty.  He purposely points his pistol toward the garbage can next to the toiled an fires away.  It makes a complete mess and I tell him that pee goes in the potty and he will need to clean it up with me.
• My son wakes up from his nap shouting “no, no, no, no.”  I look at him and he is so angry that he starts swatting at me, saying “I want to hit you, daddy.” I walk away to give him some space.  He comes after me hitting and kicking.  This goes on for twenty minutes until I am finally able to redirect.
• I am playing a building block game with my son.  He gets frustrated because some blocks fall down.  then, he tries to hit me.  I give him a time-out (he gets put in his room for two minutes and I shut the door).  It gets very quiet behind his door and when he comes out after “time is up” he points out that he “broke the wires.”  Basically, he yanked the phone wires off of the wall that were neatly staple tacked down.   He says, “Daddy, are you mad because I broke it?”
• After an exhausting day, we go through the bedtime routine, read our books together, and I put my son down for sleep.  Two minutes later he pops up out of bed and comes into the hallway.  I walk him back to sleep (sometimes he pops up again).  All I am thinking is “please go the F#*k to sleep” or I say it loud to my wife.
• We get the 1:30 am wake up call from our child this past Sunday night.  I walk our son back to sleep.  He gets up again at 2am.  Walk back to bed.  Up again at 2:15am…walk back to bed.  I don;t speak to my son, but I go through the mental checklist: fever? no, temperature in room? fine, white noise machine on? yes, is it a night terror? no….So, now I am thinking, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 
• Some other random quotes: “Can I have a treat for breakfast?”, “Why do I have to go to sleep?”, “I want a special treat NOW!”, “Daddy, I hate you!”,  “Daddy, I want to kick you!”, “Daddy, I am going to bite you!” 

Testing, testing, testing– that is what I believe the threes to be.  One tremendous rectal exam of limits and boundaries.

I try to convince myself that a lot of this is a phase and will hopefully pass (soon).  Does it get easier?  What strategies can I use for a child with such a short and violent fuse/temper (the apple doesn’t fall too far – my temper is pretty bad as well)?  Why didn’t any of our parent friends give us a heads up that the threes are this hard?

If you follow our blog, you will realize that RedBook Magazine published an article this month that confirms what we have been blabbing about for quite some time – communities of dads are forming across the nation in a big way!  And not just in the major metropolitan cities either.  Check out Happy to Be a Stay-at-Home Dad: Stay-at-home dads are forming groups all over the country By Douglas Quenqua (a talented writer based in NYC).

Quenqua takes a tour around the country by spotlighting four large groups of dads: Washington D.C., Austin, Kansas City, and Portland.  These groups vary in size from 75 – 500 members, but you will notice from the numerous dads quoted in the article that these fathers are confident in their role as being nurturing, active, and totally involved in their children’s lives.  For me, reading the article was entertaining because I would consider one of our coolest NYC dad Group outings as renting a Luxury Box at the Staten Island Yankees Game with our children….and that is so different than the Kansas City dudes who went as a group with their kids to NASCAR…and met Danica Patrick!

Quenqua writes, “There are support networks aplenty if you’re a stay-at-home mom, but if you’re a full-time dad, good luck gaining entry. “I know what an episiotomy is, but if you’re a woman, you probably don’t want to talk about it with me,” says Shannon Carpenter, a dad in Kansas City, MO, who, like a growing number of American men, stays home to care for his two kids. Feeling a bit out of place at local mommy-and-me classes, Shannon and other fathers have banded together into what might be described as fraternities for 30-somethings: stay-at-home-dad groups. Some form after guys meet at their kids’ school functions, others are born out of Facebook groups and Craigslist postings; most of them meet at least once a week, usually at a playground or one guy’s home. And memberships are rising.”

Sure, local park, playground, and museum outings and playgroup at someone’s home is covered in the article.  Yes, dads groups are a necessity for guys who like to do so much on their own for socialization and support as they navigate parenthood.  Other important things that dads groups are doing that was not mentioned are partnering with local parenting organizations to establish better resources for fathers like new dads classes as well as daddy & me classes, hosting workshops covering common parenting topics like preschool admissions, potty training, introducing solid foods, and discipline, hosting meaningful screenings and author discussions to equip us with tools and best practices on becoming a better dad, using websites and social media to share articles and resources, and working with their local community to move the conversation forward about fatherhood.   Additionally, I would like to add, that many of the dads groups these days are not strictly for Stay-at-Home-Dads…they are open to dads of all stripes including working dads who do not get enough credit.
Huge props to RedBook Magazine for recognizing the surge and necessity of dads groups as well as our friends in Kansas City, D.C, Portland, and Austin for providing such a positive image of fatherhood!