When my daughter was born, my paternity leave consisted of whatever paid and unpaid time off from work I could bank before the big due date. It took me almost two years, but I saved a month’s worth of vacation, sick and personal days. During that month, I changed diapers, helped my wife recover from a C-section, and bonded with my child.  

At the end of my paternity leave, which was still an oddity then, I returned to work. I had no choice. My wife’s maternity leave was at reduced or no pay at all and my family needed my health insurance and paycheck. Things were fine until they were not.

My wife had to have gallbladder surgery during her maternity leave. She also popped a stitch carrying our newborn down the stairs and was in a lot of pain. I wanted to be there but couldn’t. I felt helpless.

What prevents men from being engaged fathers?

It is no secret mothers carry most of the mental load of parenting. There is a demand, and rightly so, for fathers to be more engaged. However, after the argument for better paternity leave policies, there is no path for this to happen. Many men are prevented from becoming engaged fathers.

To put it bluntly, many fathers can’t afford to spend more time with their kids. It’s the exact same situation I found myself in 17 years ago.

According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, 55% of marriages “have a husband who is the primary or sole breadwinner, and 16% have a breadwinner wife.” The study also reports 29% of marriages where both spouses earn the same amount. While that last number is encouraging, the onus for providing an income for a family still falls primarily on men.

Now add in the average annual cost for childcare (a little over $10,000) and health insurance ($23,000). An average American family is already 33 grand in the hole the minute they have a child. This is before we get to the rising cost of diapers and formula, the housing market, or general inflation. Working parents everywhere are struggling just to survive. The term “side hustle” has now become part of a parent’s lexicon.

As a stay-at-home dad, I have seen the struggles my wife has endured as our financial caregiver. This goes beyond missing baseball games or not helping with laundry. She has fought back against misogyny and sexism to keep our health insurance. I point this out because being the primary breadwinner keeps one of the parents from being as engaged as they would want to be. And this cuts that way for most fathers.

Finally, societal and grassroots support systems in place for fathers are lacking. There is very little mentorship, acceptance or consistent quality advice available for fathers. A simple but telling sign: there are still men’s bathrooms in this day and age without changing tables. It’s such a simple fix that would help fathers and mothers everywhere.

My own experiences have shown me that fathers in the everyday parenting world are either treated as a potential threat or lavished with false praise for doing the simplest parenting job. When I go out with my dads’ group and their kids, especially early on when we had six dads with strollers, we’ve been stopped and asked to pose for pictures. I know of one father who was told to sit quietly during a playgroup with moms and not to speak unless someone approached him. And although that is a dramatic example, it still points to the problem.

What’s the solution to creating more engaged fathers?

To have more engaged fathers, ones that take on the mental load and are allowed to participate fully in family life, we have to make it possible for them to do so.

The burden of financial caregiving needs to be lessened. This includes affordable health insurance not tied to your employment and reasonable childcare. This is more difficult. In 2022, The Inflation Reduction Act was passed but cut out provisions for pre-kindergarten funding, lower childcare costs and enhanced tax credits, among others. This is disastrous for not just fathers. Not only did we not ease the financial difficulties for parents; we made it worse.

When legislation like this is passed, it’s mostly discussed on how it affects women and children. Fathers are often forgotten about in governmental policies and programs, which only adds to the dad as a “less than” parent association. For example, look at the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children, or WIC for short. Even though fathers can access the program, it’s not exactly inviting. Caregiving is genderless. Luckily, in this case, The National Fatherhood Initiative, one of the largest non-profit fatherhood-focused organizations, works with “human service organizations to be intentionally and proactively father-inclusive.”

To correct this thinking, we all need to treat fathers as parenting equals and expect them to be engaged. That means parenting spaces need to be more welcoming. When I go to story time with my children, I don’t need to ask why no one wants to sit next to me. I don’t need to be stopped for pictures with my dads, and please don’t applaud me for going to the grocery store with three kids. I’ve been doing it for 16 years, it’s normal.

And as it is normal, there continues to be a need for more fatherhood organizations that encourage the everyday involvement of fathers. These have been growing over the last decade such as Fathering Together, Movember for men’s mental health, and many others. There has also been more fatherhood advice that reaches dads where they are such as podcasts like The Dad Time Out Show and the Dadass Podcast, which recently worked with the Columbus City Council to install 130 changing tables. This is the kind of societal change that will go a long way to show that fathers are welcome, needed, and valued.

Becoming an engaged father doesn’t end with paternity leave. It’s the beginning and the first step to a future that is better for all parents.

+ + +

This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo: Takako Harkness Photography courtesy New York Baby Show

Tax Day has now come and gone. Once again, NONE of my working teens filed their taxes because I told them not to bother. With the standard deduction for single dependents nearing $1,300, I told my kids to save the time and sit this filing year out.  

Since each has started working, I have given this same advice. And, honestly, I’ve never been 100% sure that I/they are doing the right thing.

From my point of view, if my kids ultimately have $0 of tax viability (we live in Florida, so no state income tax, either) then filing to get the $20 lost does not make much sense. 

Whenever I encourage my kids to take the easy way out, I feel like I’ve short-changed a learning opportunity. 

But have I?   

Learn from the “act” of filing taxes

My father’s rule was simple: once you made $1, you filed taxes. I remember loving the time my dad spent sitting me down with the manual 1040EZ form we’d picked up from the Cedar Rapids, Iowa Public Library. I’d dutifully dice up my $500 annual earnings W2-box-by-W2-box. And, in the end, I’d get back the money I’d paid in on. It felt like a surprise bonus.    

That nostalgia had me itching to teach the same lessons to my working teens. That is until they told me filing taxes can be as simple as a few simple clicks on their phone. 

Nostalgic feeling – gone.    

Yeah, the efficiency of the internet has yielded the “act” of insisting your kids file taxes, well, meaningless and devoid of the father/kid interaction I am after.

More importantly, though, than my desire to spend more time with my teens, I began to wonder about their legal obligations for filing with the government by Tax Day.     

Do teens have to file taxes?

I was relieved to learn it is fine NOT to file a tax return if a teen’s earnings do not exceed the standard, single deduction for a dependent. In tax year 2023 (returns that are due in April 2024), that amount is around $1,300.

So, no, a teen not filing taxes is, as they’d say, “not that deep.” 

While your teen may not be required to file taxes, they can without any downside. The only possible outcome of filing at lower incomes (like those of my teens) is the opportunity to, potentially, get a refund. This would occur if they paid federal taxes in excess of their liability.  These amounts are typically small and should be weighed against the time (and possible software fees) it might take to file.

I do like the idea of enforcing the discipline of filing taxes for teens. I regret I did not have them each go through the process. It would have opened them up to conversations that may be important down the road, such as concepts like “dependents,” “standard deductions,” and “tax credits.” Through these types of chats, it may become clear how meaningful it may be to a family’s taxes to claim teens as dependents until they age out. (As of 2024, a teen can be claimed as a dependent until age 19 or 24 if a full-time student).

Filing taxes is also an opportunity to explain the importance of filing status on tax liability – and not only for them! I’ll leave those lessons until next year, I guess. 

What if my teen has only been paid in cash?

My 14-year-old daughter was only paid in cash for babysitting in 2023. It was only a small amount of money made babysitting for a select few friends. She assumed, then, that taxes did not pertain to her. To me, it was also a no-brainer to avoid filing a tax return.

Upon further review, I may have messed up.  

The IRS guidance mentions $400 cash income as the line where a teen can be characterized as “self-employed” and, therefore, subject to paying taxes. Take note: the “self-employed” designation does allow for write-offs that would reduce or eliminate their tax liability. 

So, while she could have filed, given the amounts, I’m OK with her skipping out with her brothers. 

I feel better now. We haven’t skirted the taxing authorities. My kids would say they’ve saved time and that’s a win. I would contend we delayed a lesson they will need and should understand. 

We’ll all have to pick up that lesson next Tax Day.

Teens and taxes photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich via Pexels.

I believe most men have a drive to be a productive part of the economy and the world. But what happens if he becomes a stay-at-home dad?

Would his ego be helped with a part-time job?

What if that part-time job became bigger and bigger?

How would his priorities and identity as an at-home dad change if he were to have the opportunity to enjoy business and economic success that can be parlayed into a fulfilling career?

I’ve had to answer all these questions in the past few years. That last question, though, I’m still working through. In fact, until a few weeks ago, I thought I had worked out all my ego issues.

Since September 30, 2016, my primary “job” has been as dad to our one son, Franklin. My wife and I agreed on my doing this until he started school full-time because neither of us wanted to pay exorbitant childcare costs or wake up at 5:30 a.m. to get our child there. We also have the luxury of being older parents (37 and 40) and were able to prioritize time with the child over money. Since my wife made more money than me, we agreed that I’d be the one to look after our son during the day.

Being an at-home parent is a huge responsibility. It doesn’t have a daily quitting time. You’re parent, teacher, coach, mentor — all in one, all the time. Added to this, my underlying insecurities of being “just” the primary caregiver had already made steady footholds into my subconscious. They helped me justify my working part-time even while raising him. It’s “good for him,” I told myself, to see me holding down this second job. It allows him to learn business, responsibility, professionalism, and finance at a young age. He sees his dad as both the primary caregiver AND a hard worker who shuns fun and games to get ahead.

But these initial justifications have been growing into something more. I’ve let myself start thinking that “if it wasn’t for my child” I’d be able to do so much more. More clients, more money, more focus on business.

Part-time job takes on full-time duties

Recently I told my wife about my plans for my growing part-time job in real estate – task lists, business expansion, hiring more employees, adding more clients. If only I keep working toward it, it’ll be mine! I’ll be a success! I’ll even be able to “brag” about how I can do all these things while I raise a child.

Then my wife stopped me cold. “What are you doing with Franklin?” she asked.

I’d been excited about all the possibilities for me, but not for him.

My wife’s question made me think of all the times I turned down business or opportunities. All the times I said “I can’t” because he and I had things to do. Do I feel bitter about that? Short answer, yes. But is that justifiable? Normal? Did I let my ego take over my responsibilities as a primary caretaker? Has my self-centeredness bled over and impacted his connection to me? Did I just teach my child to be self-centered?

That’s what my internal conflict is truly about and, honestly, I’m still processing it. How can I balance my desires, my success, my ego, and my need for societal and self-acceptance, against what my wife, son and I think should be my main purpose – being a parent in these early years?

This may seem like a ranting of privilege, of someone well-off enough to have the option to stay home full-time while the other spouse works. It’s not. It’s really about losing focus on primary goals in favor of self-indulgence.

With the limited time I have left with my son at home, I have to remember to choose him first. In just 18 months, Franklin will be in school full-time. Then, I’ll have weekdays to myself to work for the next 40 years. But struggling to get out of my own way for the betterment of a greater whole — family harmony, my son’s development and well-being — is constant for me. However, my wife’s one simple question has made me begin to re-focus on the primary purpose of my life. And, I’ve realized the greater whole of “we” over “I.”

This article first ran in 2021. Part-time job/work-at-home dad photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

When my niece asked me to help her apply to colleges, I gladly volunteered not knowing the process itself is one of the biggest challenges. Understanding the college application process, I learned, is like looking at one of those funky pictures to test if you’re colorblind. You know a number is hiding somewhere in that dotted thing, but since you can’t see blue or green, it all comes out as splotchy mush.

Grades, extracurriculars, personality, essays — they all have their place in the college admissions crucible. But it’s no longer just about filling out an application and waiting by the mailbox. It’s a code, and those who can crack it have a higher chance of being accepted. Seriously, the process is so convoluted these days that there are actual professionals whose only job is to help you navigate it.

But she’s my niece, and I am awesome. This was a quest, and if a lifetime of playing video games has taught me anything, I rock at quests. If there is a dragon to fight then I’m your guy.

Don’t let your Common App be common

The first thing you realize on this quest is that you are not fighting just one dragon in a dark cave. Instead, there is the one dragon you know about and another 20 lurking in the darkness. If you didn’t swear before, now you will learn how.

Before we begin, a book recommendation: The Price You Pay for College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make by Ron Leiber. This is your quest map, and you’ll refer to it often.

Everything starts (kind of) with the Common App. This is the generic application many universities use. But not all of them. Some only use parts of it. Some universities also have their own application process that is separate (or in addition to) the Common App. See, even the beginning is complicated.

There are questions and essays in this app, which brings me back to the only things I remember about my own experience. An essay! I can write an essay! No, you can’t. Your kid has to write the essay. But as dads, we get to help. And in this case, one of my fellow Kansas City Dads Group members had the expertise I was looking for.

Andy Arends has worked in admissions for years. He told me, “The Common App makes it easy to blanket apply to many different colleges, but take the extra step and tweak each application. Relate your lived experience to your academic interest, and then take it one step further. Explain how you will use that college experience to change the world.”

That’s solid advice. Now we begin to get some behind-the-scenes action steps. I love knowing so many dads. This is the power of our community.

“Avoid being vague,” Andy told me. “Stay away from superficial discussions of a college or major. Show deep knowledge or a very specific experience.”

What to look for in a college: good fit, rentention

But there’s more to getting into college than looking good on paper.

One of the best pieces of advice I received from many dads who have been through this, and also from Lieber’s book, is that picking a college is about looking at its overall value. You should consider how will the college fit with your life, not how you fit with theirs.

“You need to start with retention rates,” said another college admissions expert. (Note: Many asked me not to use their names in this article, which you know means they are giving us the good stuff.)

The retention rate is the percentage of a college’s first-time, first-year undergraduate students who return the next year. Retention rate, she said, tells you more about a community and the people who go there than many other factors. It shows the commitment of the student body. The more comfortable you feel, the better your chances of finding your community. For my niece, this was a big factor. She wanted a college where diversity mattered.

Second, several people recommended your child develop a relationship with the college recruiters. Basic networking matters even here. It won’t guarantee that you’ll get into the school of your choice, but it can’t hurt to have your name front and center.

Apply when and to how many colleges?

But still, one of my biggest questions was when to apply.

“Early. The sooner the better,” said another college admissions expert who works for a D1 school. His point: the college application process is competitive. When you apply early, you will have less competition for a limited number of spots.

Also, the earlier you are accepted, the better your chances at getting more financial aid. All the college admissions people I talked to and Lieber’s book backed this up. (Paying for college — that’s a whole other process that seems separate from this rigmarole. That will take a whole other article.) But know that almost no one pays the full sticker price for college. Even the wealthy work the system. But what you can do is play financial offers off each other. At that point, it’s a negotiation.

This means your kid needs to apply to more than one school.

“Reach for two dream schools,” I was told. “Then two you feel confident about, and two that you are sure that you can get into.” This is exactly what my niece did.

Big choices after college application process success

My niece and I followed all that advice throughout the fall semester of her senior year. She wrote an amazing essay. She applied early, sending applications to at least six colleges. And the result was better than we hoped. She got into her dream school.

But now the challenge really starts. She received a full ride to a different school and numerous other generous financial aid packages from others. This is where the fun really starts because, again, it all comes down to the value question.

It’s not only where she will fit in the best and graduate. Now it comes down to how much she wants to invest in that future. Will the degree or program from her dream college give her a leg up in the world, or will it not matter? I can’t answer that question because the value here is her choice. Lieber’s book goes into this a great deal, and here with the college application process over, I still find myself reading those sections over and over.

The biggest truth, though, is that this isn’t my success. I was merely playing the role of Gandalf through this whole thing. This victory belongs to my niece. She put in the work, filled out the applications, and wrote an amazing essay. I was her hype man. At this stage in all of our children’s lives, I feel like that matters as much as anything else. But that doesn’t mean that my heart does swell with pride.

Our next step is to go through the financial side of how to pay for everything. I’ve written about how college costs have skyrocketed. It’s another quest, with more dragons, but I have no doubt my badass niece is up for the challenge. I’ll be her bard when she needs it.

College application process photo: © terovesalainen/ Adobe Stock.

A few weeks before our family left for a weeklong Disney World adventure, I posted a meme. It read, “Vacationing with kids is just parenting in another city.” Now, a couple of months removed from our Florida trip, I began thinking back on a few things I learned along the way. My hope is these theme park hacks might save you some money and frustration during your next family trip.

Maybe skip the rental car

Most of us are programmed to rent a car when we travel simply for convenience. We experienced multiple issues on our trip with two different rental car companies. One was literally the subject of a Seinfeld episode (holding the reservation is the most important part of a reservation!). Then there was the dead car battery four days into our vacation. And, finally, the dead key fob that resulted in us being stranded in a Disney World parking lot for three hours. 

My main takeaway from these incidents: maybe we didn’t need a rental car at all. 

We spent most days swimming at our resort or visiting with family staying at their nearby hotels. On the other days, we went from our resort to the theme parks and back. The rental was basically parked most of the day in an overpriced Disney lot for $25 to $50 a day. That’s on top of the rental car fee that included 10 different taxes and fees not to mention fluctuating gas prices and tolls. In contrast, an Uber from our hotel to the parks was $15 to 20 one way.

So for around $40 a day, we could have been hassle-free. And we would still have our neck pillows which were trapped in our dead car and then lost by the rental company.

Get the “fast pass”

If you are doing Disney or any theme park thing, just go all in. Buying the “fast pass” (or the park’s equivalent) is well worth the extra cost per ticket (the Walt Disney World Genie+ fast pass costs $15 per person). It allows you to skip waits for several rides throughout the day. We used ours to focus on the rides that usually have the longest lines. Then you can save your actual waiting for other less popular rides with shorter or more reasonable lines. 

Buy souvenirs before you get there

I have three kids, and I knew they would want souvenirs at Disney. So, we hit up a nearby Target and let them go nuts (not too nuts but enough to be happy). They got a branded water bottle from the $1 section at the very front of the store and then I let each of them pick three T-shirts (one for each park we were visiting). Buying nine T-shirts with their favorite characters on them for under $12.99 each saved us a bundle when shirts at the parks were $20 and up.

Pro theme park hacks: We also promised we would buy them their own “laser swords” on Amazon so they would be less inclined to want to build their own light saber in the Star Wars park at $150 per person. Not to mention, the more bought when you travel, the more to figure out how to bring back home.

Eat affordably

Breakfast, lunch and dinner add up quickly. One way to save is to stay at a hotel that includes a free hot breakfast. (“Hot” usually means a waffle maker and a tray of scrambled eggs versus cold cereal and fruit). For lunch, many parks let you bring food in, so we hit a supermarket for cold cuts and snacks.

If you want to splurge, save it for dinner. While we would have saved more by eating outside of Disney, having a reservation for one of the themed on-site restaurants proved a fun experience. It also offered a nice time to recharge since those restaurants tended to be less busy and crowded than the walk-up restaurants. 

If your hotel room has a kitchen, making a simple meal for one or two nights can really save you. Think pasta or hot dogs.

Pro theme park hacks: Bring a refillable water bottle! Many parks today have water fountains or refill stations. For example, concession stands at Disney World let you refill with ice and water for free. 

Remember to have fun

You’ll have spent a lot of money just getting to your destination. You’ll spend even more when you get there. But don’t get so caught up in what you have spent that you forget why you are there: to make good memories with your family.

Make sure not only that kids are having fun but also that they are not so tired by day’s end that they won’t want to ever go to another theme park. At Disney World, for example, the parks are huge, and for much of the year, Florida is hot. And, don’t forget, kids love to complain. Be ready for that and be adaptable because kids will be kids.

Pro theme park hacks: Take the opportunity to teach your kids a bit about the value of a dollar. When they ask for some overpriced trinket, see how much they still want it when you tell them to use their allowance. That’s how you raise a smart consumer.

Theme park hacks photo: © Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

My oldest son, Yosef, has to start thinking about life after high school. I feel lost about how to help. When I was his age, my college planning process was not really a process at all. 

I knew I wanted to leave home. I also knew the University of Iowa was only 20 miles away. And, I rooted for the black and gold in football. On top of that, my best friend from high school had already made up his mind to become an Iowa Hawkeye. 

Case closed. This college planning stuff was easy, right? 

Twenty years removed, I am scrambling to figure everything out. 

When should Yosef take the SAT?

Should we be road tripping to check out campuses around the country?

What does Yosef know about how to pay for college? (Student Loans, grants, and/or scholarships) 

All this worry and obligation for a kid I still cannot believe is old enough to drive. At times, parenting high school kids feels like standing in the middle of a freeway: You’re dodging speeding cars to evade a disaster that may be completely out of your control. 

Before I succumb to my own doubts about the ability to appropriately help Yosef navigate the college application process, I tell myself to take it piece by piece. 

Step 1: College, trade school, or none of the above?

Before trekking down any path toward my son’s future, we needed agreement about the direction Yosef sees himself going. 

In our household, we insist our kids chase post-high school education of some kind. I should not assume, though, that Yosef’s path is the same that I took. Maybe trade school is an option. Does Yosef have to attend school right away, or would a gap semester be helpful? 

The answers to these questions will shape the way the rest of our college planning will go. I have to get them.    

Step 2: Money, money, money

I hate that we will not be able to feed his checking account and completely cover his tuition bill. That, though, is our family’s reality. Having a big family, in fact, has subtly reinforced the need for Yosef to self-fund a portion of his future education, I think. 

But before I sign him up for a lifetime of student loans, I plan to talk to him about how this all works – mostly based on my own experiences. 

After all, no one ever talked to me about how to pay for college. I keenly remember having a check arrive at the mailbox of my dorm for a student loan overpayment for my first semester. I should have sent it back. Instead, I ate and drank well for a few weeks with that $500. I was a financial idiot leading up to and through college. Yosef will be better informed. 

I help him understand the magnitudes of the money needed for school. To do so properly, I plan to pair this with a discussion about the career path he might take. In a perfect world, I would decouple a discussion about career path and loan payback, but I just cannot in good conscious. Sure, I would love for Yosef to follow a passion. I do not, though, aim to sign him up unwittingly for a lifetime of debts for a career that provides a meager salary. 

Step 3: The work

Finally, I can help Yosef to position himself for college admission and then success once he’s in. 

First things first. He must make good grades. Like REALLY good as kids in his class have cumulative GPAs above 4.5. 

Next, the SAT will become an important differentiator. The good news for students now is that high-priced prep courses of the past are not the only way to prepare to earn higher scores. Our school district provides free resources – like Kahn Academy – that allow Yosef to better prepare for the SAT.       

Lastly, I am told activities outside of grades and scores can make a difference in admission to big-time universities. I’m not convinced. However, I will be using the argument when I continue to plead with Yosef to volunteer in our community or join philanthropic clubs at school.

Step 4: The fun

I may have been clueless about college planning and making dumb financial decisions but, man, was I having a great time! Whatever Yosef ends up doing, I hope he can look back at his post-high school days as favorably as I do. I want him to have the time of his life at school. 

Then again, just writing that phrase makes me nervous. Will he be responsible? Can he wake up for class after going out mid-week? How will Yosef deal with big classes taught by professors who do not care whether you show up or sleep in? 

I will help him learn by talking to him about finding the right balance between having a good time and taking school seriously. 

Step 5: Turn ‘em loose

However, working to arm Yosef with more insights than I had before leaving for college will not help me sleep any better. I will not worry less about him since I will have less influence on his decisions. Helping him wade through today’s financial and scholastic realities also does not mean I am not cheering for him to do whatever it is he feels passionate about. All this effort, in fact, should show Yosef that I want him to succeed.

I will figure it out and so will he. Hopefully, he takes his first step toward a bright future differently than I did, and select a course without regard for his buddy down the street’s opinion or a football rooting interest.

College planning photo: ©Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

I recently turned 44. Getting older makes me nostalgic. It gets me thinking about my younger days when I had less of need for ibuprofen just from sleeping in the wrong position. But this year, as wonderful as my birthday was, I found myself thinking about a dad other than myself.

A dad named James Lopez.

I did not know James very well before we roomed together at the October 2021 HomeDadCon conference for at-home fathers. I knew of him from other fatherhood conferences we both attended. He was the guy who always wore a “#FatherhoodisLit” T-shirt and hat (and I mean always). He was usually surrounded by people laughing and joking around with him. But just as often as I saw the smiles, those same people would be listening intently as he spoke. Most likely, he was dropping gems regarding fatherhood.

When I was asked to speak at HomeDadCon about book publishing, I was totally surprised that they wanted me to room with James, who is also a co-organizer for the NYC Dads Group. I assumed someone of his level had his own suite, to be honest. However, after spending just a few minutes with him, all the superstar status I had applied to him faded away. I immediately knew what he was all about: being a great dad.

As important as his brand is to him, he wasn’t about selling a million T-shirts or getting lucrative endorsement deals. A father of three boys, James, I learned, was about creating awareness of the greatness of being a dad. He liked to shine a light on other dads he thought were doing a great job showcasing the awesomeness of fatherhood. He didn’t care whether you had 2 million followers or just two. If he thought you were great dad, he wanted everyone he knows to know it, too. For example, he once appeared in PBS television spot. Without even asking me, he chose my book to be the one he was reading to his son on camera. That is the kind of guy he is. 

One of the things James frequently talks about is “presence over presents.” We get too caught up in spending money for our kids to have the latest toy or video game, he believes. Instead, we should focus on spending time with them. I thought of this over Father’s Day weekend while attending my cousin’s wedding.

The best man’s speech quoted a rap lyric about how false the idea of “time is money” really is. You can make more money, yes, but you cannot make more time. The next morning, Father’s Day, about 10 of us went out for breakfast. We celebrated the wonderful wedding we had attended, the fathers in attendance at the meal, the amazing bacon we were eating; but most importantly, we celebrated being able to spend time with each other. The 8-hour roundtrip drive to North Carolina for me, with increasing gas prices added to everything else spent on the weekend, was worth the money because of the time I got to spend with relatives I don’t see as often as I should. I earn that money back, but I can’t get back time missed.

I say all this because James has had some setbacks recently. In April, he underwent successful brain surgery for a non-cancerous growth. He mostly kept it secret because he didn’t want sympathy. James was seemingly on the road to recovery, but then later that month he re-injured himself. He is back in the hospital, in a coma. His family set up GoFundMe to help with this new round of expenses.

+ Donate to help James Lopez’s family +

As I I saw the update on his health, I started to think about the great time we had at HomeDadCon. We talked about everything from basketball to sneakers to fatherhood to Wu-Tang. That time with him was more valuable than the cost of the Uber to and from the airport. Or the plane ticket. Or all the other expenses that came with that conference. 

We can’t make up for lost time. It won’t ever come back. But, but we can try to make sure the time we have is filled. We can fill it with memories and laughs and moments that make us forget about monetary cost. Even if the time we get to share is only a few minutes, it can help us understand the value family and friends truly bring to our lives. That is presence over presents.

Whether you are a dad who is doing great, doing poorly or just kind of going thru the motions, remember #FatherhoodisLit and “presence over presents.” There is no time better than right now to try to be the best dad you can be. 

Silhouette photo: ©Ivan Karpov / Adobe Stock.

Friends of a NYC Dads Group co-organizer are rallying to help defray costs for his recovery from a severe injury.

James Lopez, 42, who coordinates events on Staten Island, underwent successful brain surgery in April for a non-cancerous growth, according to his wife, Kim. While recovering later in the month, Lopez fell and suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI) to his thalamus, she told SILive.com. He has been in a coma since.

The thalamus is thought to act as a relay station between most incoming sensory and motor information to the brain’s cerebral cortex, or gray matter. It may also play a role in sleep, consciousness, alertness, learning and memory.

The father of three boys, ages 5 to 15, “will need intensive rehab and medical treatment which will be costly even with insurance,” she wrote on a GoFundMe page she set up. “This is not the reason or method that James would have ever chosen to raise funds but this is what is needed at this time.”

This week Lopez is scheduled to be transferred from a Staten Island hospital to a rehab facility in Manhattan, SILive.com reported.

+ Donate to James Lopez / #FatherhoodIsLit fund +

Lopez runs the website Cool4Dads and promotes his efforts under “Fatherhood Is Lit” or its hashtag on social media. A focus of his work is advocating for fathers of color.

“My dear friend, James Lopez, was the first person to open his heart to me in the fatherhood community,” wrote Sergio Rosario Diaz, founder of Soy Super Papá, an online community for Spanish speaking dads. “Always proud of his Puertorrican heritage, he made me feel at home everywhere we went. His perspective on fatherhood made me realize that it’s the simple things in life that matter.”

Lopez joined NYC Dads Group in 2015. He soon started organizing popular father/child events, such as crafts workshops at Home Depot and hip-hop graffiti tagging art lessons. He became a group co-organizer in 2018.

“James is one of City Dads Group’s biggest cheerleaders,” said Matt Schneider, co-founder of the organization. “He continues to be a source of wisdom, inspiration and friendship, not only for me, but for our group organizers all over the country.”

One of Lopez’s key messages in his work is “presence over presents,” a motto he often hashtagged. He attributed this philosophy of dads being actively involved with their children’s lives beyond being a provider to how his father raised him in the South Bronx.

“My dad spoiled me rotten. … But the one thing he gave me the most, which I didn’t appreciate until I was older, was his time,” he wrote in an article published on the NYC Dads blog in 2017. “His presence made a huge difference in my life. The toys, the gifts, all that, were just a quick fix. A gift loses value over time … If we are going to raise the bar every time then it has to be through our experiences and time together.”

‘One of the most passionate dads I know’

Colleagues in the fatherhood advocacy community quickly offered support and praise for Lopez, his message, his passion and his generosity.

“James Lopez has a larger-than-life smile, huge heart and magnetic personality. He’s one of the most passionate dads I know,” said City Dads Group co-founder Lance Somerfeld. “Beyond his contributions to City Dads Group and our fatherhood circles, James is a friend. He’s the man that’s always there for a bro hug, favor, or straight talk.”

Danny Reyes, creator of the SwaggerDad men’s parenting resource, first meet Lopez about nine years ago at a NYC Dads Group event. They “clicked right away,” he wrote.

“Once you get to know James he will take his shirt off his back to give it to someone who needs it. James is all about business but he takes pride in being a great father, that’s what brought us together, our passion for being great dads,” Reyes wrote.

RGV Dads founder Jesus T. Pena wrote Lopez’s work, among the first fatherhood resources he found online years ago, inspired him to start his Rio Grande Valley, Texas, group.

“I consider James to be a trailblazer in the dad community and a friend,” Pena wrote. “I related with James because he looks like me and has a similar taste in music!” 

Mike Dorsey, creator of the Black Fathers, NOW! podcast, wrote, “James has always prioritized his presence in the life of his family and set an example for all of us to follow. At this moment, I always want James to realize that he is actually also a ‘present’ for us fathers, too.”

Doug French, co-founder of Dad 2.0, wrote Lopez’s tenacity will help see him through his recovery.

“James is one of the most dynamic and focused people I know. He knows what he wants and works hard for it, and he’ll work harder than ever through this,” he said. “If history is any judge, he’ll turn his TBI into telekinesis before he’s done.”

My first car was a gray Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera. It featured no air conditioning and broken power steering. It offered only the last gasps of its life, thanks to having been previously driven by my dad and my older brother.

Call it what you like. A “junker.” A “clunker.” A “jalopy.” Predictably, it lasted only a week for me.

I had not thought of that first car until the wound was ripped back open as I car-shopped with our household’s first teen driver – my son, Yosef. 

Some piece of the family savings will be invested into a vehicle for Yosef. I do not, though, know if I should be buying a “junker” or more reliable car. 

Weighing the options

A few aspects of this choice weigh on me.

First, I plan to have Yosef help us with family logistics in a very limited capacity. In emergencies, for example, he’ll be asked to pick up his other siblings from practice or school.

Second, Yosef is growing up in a much bigger pond than I did. Drivers are crazier. Cars are everywhere. Also, he will be traveling virtually no two-lane streets to get to his regular destinations. Offsetting my worry is that most of Yosef’s activities are located a walkable distance from our home.

My son’s safety – the safety of any child – is a parent’s top priority. To me, buying a clunker is just fine if we have faith in it providing adequate safety. Please parents, do not fall into the trap of “safety shaming” others with kids driving old cars. Assuming the doors are not coming off in transit, the only safety issue we may run into is changing a tire roadside (or calling us from the driver’s seat to ask us to). 

Something is alluring about providing our kids with substandard quality, though. Maybe this is the “old man” coming out, but isn’t ushering a junkie car to its grave a rite of passage for teens? It is good for young people to deal with over-heating just as they will about door dings, or that musty smell from generations of wear and tear. 

Additionally, a new driver should be grateful for any car – even a piece of junk — right?  My son’s track record of taking care of items, like most teens, is not spectacular, which also weighs on me.

Creating a first-car partnership

With the decision now imminent that we will be providing a vehicle to Yosef, finding the right formula of safety and accountability lands on me. 

We had discussed purchasing a vehicle as 50/50 partners with Yosef – matching each dollar he saved. While that is fair, this relinquishes some control for us and accountability for Yosef. With busy family lives, we cannot devote the energy to being true partners our kids’ choices while driving, or have equal say in the rules before, during and after a trip.

After noodling on this for far too long, the solution we have arrived at is:

• we buy and own the vehicle
• Yosef pays a “security deposit” to us. He gets it back if the car’s condition is maintained; it’s lost if it is not.

This arrangement allows for our direct control of the vehicle. That stops Yosef from treating it like his bedroom – a messy, stinky disaster. 

As with most big parenting decisions, time will tell if this solution works. Right now, though, I remain at home with the sinking feeling.  No security deposit, no fancy new car, and certainly no smiling 16-year-old looking at us as he waves goodbye through a windshield will provide an adequate remedy.   

I will have provided in the best way I know how. 

That is all I can do.    

Until I shift my focus and call my car insurance provider for a quote. 

Tips on your child’s first car

Whether new or used, Consumer Reports recommends these safety features at a minimum for a teen driver’s first car:

• Antilock brake system (ABS)
• Electronic stability control (ESC)
• Head-protecting side airbags
• Backup camera

Parents should also check the car’s crash-test scores from Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) and National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA).

CarFax recommends looking at cars with Apple CarPlay or Android Auto smartphone app integration, either wireless or via a USB plug, as those can help keep teen drivers from picking up their phones while driving.

Photo: ©DragonImages / Adobe Stock.

A bright pink stack of stapled papers caught my eye as my son, Lynden, unloaded his school bag. He smiled as I read the perfectly preserved note, announcing the school trip:

“This year 8^th graders have the opportunity to attend Gradventure at Universal Studios in Orlando. The cost will be $148 … Money will be collected in the cafeteria next week or until sold out. Tickets are on a first come first serve basis and they are limited to the number of spots. There are NO REFUNDS for this event.”

You could imagine Lynden’s wide grin. He excitedly burst out, “I can’t wait! Universal Studios with just my friends until 2 a.m.! That’s SICK!”   

As you’d expect, I was pleased for him, too, and started to write the check. As I handed it over, though, I began to imagine: What if I didn’t have the money to send him on this school trip? 

I imagine my options would be scarce. 

Option #1: Wait on the charity of others

I could check with the school for the availability of sponsorships. I would undoubtedly be told we would be placed on a waiting list for less-fortunate families whose way would be paid for by other parents who contributed to help out. The risk, of course, is that given the limit of available tickets for this school trip, attending from the waiting list would be a long shot. 

Option #2: Put off a bill

I might figure out a way to delay another financial obligation. But, let’s face it, that will be tough given the few days’ notice I’d been given to come up with the cash. I may not even get my next paycheck until after the deadline. 

Option #3: Ask others for financial help

I could ask the grandparents or close friends to help, promising them repayment when our financial well-being stabilized. In doing so, I’d have good intentions but possibly no clue how to promptly repay their generosity. 

Or, gasp:   

Option #4: Sorry, kid

I could simply tell my child we can’t afford this school trip. While not surprised, he’d be shattered. I’d apologize for his having to endure hearing the excitement in the voices of his friends for the next two months as they plan their Universal visit. I would shed tears over the idea that, even at a subsidized price, my middle-school graduate would be left watching a movie with the other “poor kids” in the guidance counselor’s office that day. I’d feel the embarrassment for him (and myself) about not being able to provide like other families. I’d hear him make excuses for skipping the trip like: “I don’t want to go” or “The rides are too scary anyway.” 

Yeah, I can only imagine.  

And, then again, I really can’t.

Grateful, embarrassed at same time

Poverty may not often enter discussions in our homes, but it silently surrounds our neighborhoods. In our school district in suburban Tampa, Florida, the rates of free and reduced lunch subsidies hover between 20% and 35%. If nearly one-third of local families cannot afford $15 per week for lunch, they sure as hell cannot send in a $148 check on three-days notice.

While solving poverty in our communities is a broad issue, the idea that school systems are inadvertently ostracizing (and ultimately excluding) poor kids is unacceptable. This problem does not pop up only for fancy school trips. What about:

• The massive school supply lists at the beginning of the year?          
• Schools charging students admission to attend school functions like sporting events and dances? 
• Even if schools provide students with free computers to take home, what about the cost for high-speed internet at home?
• The cell phone plan required for parents to download apps to stay abreast of our kids’ assignments, tests and grades? 

Often there are options to help. Typically, though, these solutions involve a burden of time, access or bureaucratic procedures that families cannot bear or may not know about altogether.

Poverty, in any context, is sad. When applied to school-aged kids, though, it is heartbreaking and shameful. As an active parent seeing these inequities, I should make my voice heard and help in any way I can. I wish I could donate a huge sum that allows for all to attend, free of the financial hardship doing so might provide. But I can’t.    

Instead, I write my check quietly.

Certainly, this is a happy silence as I hand the school trip money over to my joyful son — a far different situation than his less privileged classmates sitting in anguish after reading that same, bright pink paper.

Photo: © Sidekick / Adobe Stock.