Sean Bean, editor of Parenting magazine and Parenting.com is a man we respect very much and we appreciate his friendship and kindness in including us in his magazine on occasion. Yesterday, he responded to allegations that one of the articles published on Parenting.com, The New Playdate Playbook, includes advice from an expert that exhibited an unfair bias against dads. In addition to my post yesterday, questions of dad bias came from mainstream parenting sites like Huffington Post and Babble, feminist websites like Jezebel, and sites focused on men’s issues like The Good Men Project.

You should read his response yourself, Sleepovers in the Sandusky Era, but basically, the Parenting editor suggests that we as parents are living in difficult and complicated times, there are in fact parents who are concerned about men supervising children, and they are entitled to their opinion. I agree, and I especially appreciated this point:

The 21st century parenting universe is vast. And as the message boards and comment fields on Parenting.com prove, it’s full of vastly different opinions. If would be easy if the only issue during a playdate or sleepover was a wet sleeping bag or a skinned knee. But that’s not the case any more. Gay parents, single dads, divorce, and violent video games are all part of the conversation. They are woven into the fabric of the modern American family. But for some, what’s different is what’s unfamiliar. And what’s unfamiliar is what’s unsettling. Ever made a difficult, maybe even irrational, decision based on the unknown? Another way to ask that question is: Ever been a parent?

That said, there are two points in this discussion that I think Bean is missing. First, the article frames the response as “expert” advice from a PhD, a therapist, and owner of a counseling center. Though I agree that “experts” deserve their own opinion, I think the inflammatory nature of the advice deserves to be countered with another point of view rather than left on it’s own. To Bean’s point, we are living in complicated and difficult times, and Parenting and Parenting.com needs to be resources for parents as we navigate scary news stories, technologies we don’t understand, and media that we don’t even know about. We don’t need more fear mongering.

My second concern comes at the end of the piece when he says “five tween girls texting and braiding and gossiping and squealing and (let’s be honest, not) sleeping might be beyond my skill set.” First, though Bean acknowledges that his experience is not the issue, he does have an opportunity here to represent a broader picture of what it means to be a dad. The brouhaha is about divorced dads, but the same questions and concerns are coming up about single dads, widowed dads, at-home dads, and gay dads. Whether within our skill set or not, sometimes we are called upon to step up to something unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Some fathers don’t have the opportunity to “opt out” of a tween sleepover, or braiding their daughters’ hair before school, or the first period, or bra shopping, so they step up, do the best they can, and they deserve nothing less than our respect.

Take a look at this quote from an article published on a prominent parenting site and then republished on a prominent news site:

You’ve accepted a sleepover invite for your son, not realizing that the family is Jewish. You’re not OK with it. What to do?

The Solution: “Call and say ‘I’m sorry, and this is about me and not you, but I just don’t feel comfortable with a Jew supervising an overnighter,’ ” says Morris, a PhD., play therapist, mother of three, and founder of Counseling Center at Liberty, in Columbiaville, NH. Offer to host the girls at your place instead, if you can, or ask to turn the sleepover into a “late-over,” where your daughter stays only till bedtime. In the future, always ask who’ll be on duty before you say yes to a sleepover.

Appalled? Mortified? Already started writing your comment about the injustice, indignity, the irrationality of the statement. Well, thankfully, I made that one up. Here’s another one:

You’ve accepted a sleepover invite for your daughter, not realizing that only her pal’s divorced dad will be home. You’re not OK with it. What to do?

The Solution: “Call and say ‘I’m sorry, and this is about me and not you, but I just don’t feel comfortable with a man supervising an overnighter,’ ” says Paone (a Ph.D., a play therapist, mother of three, and founder of Counseling Center at Heritage, in Montgomeryville, PA). Offer to host the girls at your place instead, if you can, or ask to turn the sleepover into a “late-over,” where your daughter stays only till bedtime. In the future, always ask who’ll be on duty before you say yes to a sleepover.

Appalled? Mortified? Already started writing your comment about the injustice, indignity, the irrationality of the statement. Well, unfortunately, this one is real and was posted originally on Parenting.com and then republished on CNN.com, so keep writing.

You might also be thinking that you agree with the parent’s concern and the advice that was given, and you are likely not alone. Many people are justifying these feelings because we are trying to do what’s best for our children. In a world surrounded with stories of rapists and pedophiles, could we ever live with ourselves if something happened when we let our child stay over at a man’s house?

These feelings aren’t new. Can’t we all think back to a time (not that long ago) when “experts” would have advised parents not to allow their children to stay overnight at the home of a Jewish family, or a black family,  because we weren’t “comfortable?” Do we still think it’s possible for “experts” to advise parents not to allow their children to stay overnight at the home of a gay or lesbian family?

When do we cross the line of “this is about me, not you” thinking being used to justify our actions to “this is about me” thinking as an opportunity to look inwards to address our own biases. None of us can justify to ourselves that it would okay to not let our children have a sleepover at someone’s house because they were poor, or handicapped, or a different race or a different religion, right?

If I were asked to comment on this question, I might suggest something like this:

The Solution: “Take a moment to think about why you feel this way. Do you know men that are excellent fathers that would provide a safe, caring, and fun environment for you child,” says Schneider, not a PhD, not a play therapist, not a founder of a counseling center, but a father of two. “Perhaps you should take some time to get to know the father before you decide you are uncomfortable. In the future, always get to know the person who will be caring for your child (man or woman) before you say yes to a sleepover.”

Since the dawn of humanity, parents have been put in uncomfortable situations that require us to make decisions. Over time, our thinking continues to evolve as we re-think our own experiences and prejudices. It’s time to force ourselves to re-think, as one of our Facebook followers put it, our Dadophobia.

Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels

I was pleased to hear from Shawn Bean, the executive editor of Babytalk Magazine, (and an involved dad) about a cover story they were working on for their June/July issue – the 21st Century Pop – about a “growing population of dads who stay home, change diapers and blog about staying home and changing diapers.” I certainly meet some of the criteria.

Babytalk Magazine, bills itself as “straight talk for new moms,” but if you read their Father’s Day issue, you will hear the creative voice and wit behind the magazine (a 21st Century pop) and come to learn that it might just be about more than moms. Sure, most media sources are looking for good heartfelt stories on the cusp of Father’s Day, and we will see many of those in the days to come. This story is a little different.

The four-page spread goes deeper than most articles or brief news segments that cover topics about dad. There are plenty of statistics and issues discussed. The main questions addressed are “What do we really know about the 21st-century pop? And what do moms think about him?”

Forget about the guy who came home from work, patted his kids on the head, fell into a recliner and reached for the remote. Today’s dad has more of himself invested in the role. He’s the guy who, ahem, works at the baby magazine. He’s also the divorced dad sharing custody of an 8-month-old daughter. And the stay-at-home dad who works at night, the dad blogger with a devout female following, and the multiracial, multi-tasking Washington, D.C., father known to take daughters Sasha and Malia out for snow cones.

I was fortunate to participate in the article to share how NYC Dads Group is helping to tackle the minimal resources in New York City as well as gripe for a moment about the general lack (fortunately, they are growing) of resources for fathers. Growing resources in the form of dad blogs about everything, dad project sites, men’s online magazines, books like The Daddy Shift, films including the Evolution of Dad, a national at-home dad network and annual convention in daddyshome.org, and dad groups popping up in so many cities.

Are involved fathers here to stay or is it just a trend?

According to the article:

Fathers participating more and more in their children’s upbringing isn’t a trend but a permanent shift. “More men are organizing their lives around their families,” says Ben Siegel, M.D., FAAP, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at Boston University School of Medicine and chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health, which shapes policies regarding family well being and parenting. “In the past, men have been expected to work and provide financial support for the family. More recently, many men are choosing to share in child rearing and participating in running the household.”…(Mom’s should) be thankful, says Dr. Siegel. “What we’re seeing is more equality in the gender roles,” he says. “Fathers are sharing more of the workload traditionally associated with women: scheduling doctor’s appointments, doing household chores and participating in child care. Nothing but good can come from it.”

I would appreciate hearing your comments, even if it’s regarding the bizarre dad blog documenting his wife’s pregnancy with a “tender note to their unborn child” each week…

Parenting.com published an article not too long ago, Mad At Dad: We love our husbands — so why are we so angry at them, so often? by Martha Brockenbrough. I really enjoyed this article for several reasons.

First, as an involved father, with many friends who are involved fathers, I found the statistics below surprising. Second, I live in a household where parenting in many ways is shared so I am curious to ask my wife if she is “mad” at this dad. Lastly, I would be interested to see the results of the survey if it were reversed, and 1,000 dads were asked the same questions.

The premise of the article is based on “Parenting‘s nationally representative survey of more than 1,000 mothers on MomConnection, an online panel of moms, the majority of us confess to feeling anger at surprising levels. We love our husbands — but we’re mad that we spend more mental energy on the details of parenting. We’re mad that having children has turned our lives upside down much more than theirs. We’re mad that these guys, who can manage businesses or keep track of thousands of pieces of sports trivia, can be clueless when it comes to what our kids are eating and what supplies they need for school. And more than anything else, we’re mad that they get more time to themselves than we do.”

I recommend reading the entire article, but I will highlight some of the statistics included:

• 46% of moms get irate with their husbands once a week or more.

• 44% are peeved that dads often don’t notice what needs to be done around the house or with the kids (it jumps to 54% for moms with three-plus children).

• Lots of moms — 40% — are also angry that their husbands seem clueless about the best way to take care of kids.

• 40% of moms are mad that dads can’t multitask.

• 31% of moms say their husbands don’t help with the chores — in fact, they generate more.

• 33% of moms say their husbands aren’t shouldering equal responsibility and are less concerned than they are about their children’s basic needs, like nutrition and clothing.

• one in four moms feels like she spends more mental energy on parenting than dads do.

• 50% of moms tell us their husbands get more time for themselves.

• 60% of moms don’t tell their friends what they’re going through, or they make light of it.

So, involved fathers and at-home dads, what is your response to the survey findings?

Photo: © Kaspars Grinvalds / Adobe Stock.