Stop calling my wife, dammit.

Not you, weird dude from work. I’m talking to YOU, doctor’s office. The one who has been told multiple times that if you want to speak to a parent, try dad first.

My son has been through several rounds of examination and treatment with this doctor. My wife has never even spoken to him. For work reasons, she couldn’t make the parental consult meeting. She doesn’t go to these meetings because it is MY JOB.

The next appointment is in two days. And then I get the fateful text from the wife:

“Stupid doctor left me a VM again.” (I paraphrased for cleanliness.)

Listen, this isn’t even about making our lives easier. If you, a medical professional, want to help our children, you need to reach the primary caregiver. Not the working-her-ass-off, leaning-in, awesome-but-busy mom.

At least you aren’t alone. The school nurse still calls my wife, even after five years and two children. This is even though my name appears first on the contact card. I’ve even put an arrow to my number, reading “call dad first.” Still, every once in a while, I’ll get my wife’s “Did they call you instead yet” text. That means if the nurse doesn’t call me soon, I better call her.

The school office has finally learned. Of course, I think it took until I was elected PTA co-president for them to fully get it. The teachers, much to their credit, have understood from day one that this dad gets there a lot faster when there is a sick or paint-covered child. So there’s that.

I can’t imagine how they handle same-sex couples. If there are two dads, does no one get a call? If it’s lesbians, does it force the office assistant into some kind of Linda-Blair-esque, spinning perpetual-motion head spin, trying to decide which mom to call? Perhaps that’s our world’s solution for renewable energy.

Listen: In the grand scheme of things, this is clearly a First-World issue. And it’s not even the biggest one at that. But here’s what this assumption does: It reinforces the incorrect paradigm that men are unable to handle their children’s care and the unfortunate sociological expectation that women can – and will – drop everything in their lives for their kids. This hurts all men and all women.

If we want to live in a world where everyone contributes to their family and society as they see fit, we need to start respecting that, for the most part, almost any task can be done by anyone regardless of the contents of their pants.

Oh, and if you’re the medical professional that provoked the writing of this column and you figure it out, you can win a prize. Just call my children’s NEW primary caregiver.

About the author

Josh Kross is an at-home dad to his three kids. He is the former engineer and producer of The Modern Dads Podcast. He also produced the critically acclaimed Hip-Hop podcast, The Cipher (theciphershow.com).

This blog post, first published in 2014 for the NYC Dads Group blog and since updated, is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com. Photo by Moose Photos from Pexels.

I think that woman just called me a pedophile.

That’s what went through my mind when I was once part of a panel of at-home dads on a syndicated talk show. The first question (more of an outlandish statement than a question) came from a mother who said she would never leave her daughter alone with a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). She was afraid a man helping her child in the bathroom would not be able to control himself. You know, because we can’t be trusted around a prepubescent vagina. She had seen some bad stuff go down … once on an episode of Law & Order.

As crazy as this woman sounded, it made me think: She can’t be the only one who feels this way. Other issues raised by the audience were less controversial but no less ridiculous. Here’s the actual TV segment:

Based on that experience, here are five sadly popular SAHD myths stay-at-home fathers regularly:

1. Don’t trust a SAHD with your children

This is one of the most annoying and horrific SAHD myths. One of my fellow panelists answered such a pedophile implication with, “That sounds like a ‘you’ problem, not a ‘dad’ problem.” The audience ate it up!

We were not talking about leaving your child with a stranger. I wouldn’t leave mine alone with someone I was not completely comfortable with, man or woman. Furthermore, I wouldn’t leave my children alone with anyone THEY were not completely comfortable with.

But labeling a stay-at-home father “untrustworthy” simply because he’s a guy? That audience member I first mentioned was dead wrong in her belief that a dad cannot be deserving of trust simply because he has a penis.

2. Fathers can’t bond with children like mothers can

I hear SAHD myths like this all the time: Sure, dads can be great parents, but they can never have the same relationship with their children as mothers.

I don’t deny the hard work and heroic efforts women endure during pregnancy and childbirth. A sincere “thank you” to all mothers. You brought us dads the greatest gift in the world. (So stop with the ties on Father’s Day: they’re ugly and we don’t like them.)

But, ladies, the children are just as much ours as they are yours.

I felt a bond with my children the first time I laid eyes on them. My daughter was a daddy’s girl from day one, often to the exclusion of my wife. (Something that caused tears on more than one occasion.) These things ebb and flow, and Mommy is the favorite these days. Not, however, because of some bond that I was not privy to because I have a penis.

3. Stay-at-home dads are not nurturers

What? More gender stereotyping SAHD myths! I am physically unable to pick up my 2-year-old son without kissing and hugging (and usually tickling) him.

There are certainly times when he prefers his mom, but bedtime is Dad Time. When he knows he’s tired, he crawls into my arms. And when he’s tired, but does not know it, I can calm his screams and get him to fall asleep far quicker than my wife can. I think my scent soothes him. I know his scent soothes me.

Nurturing, it should be said, goes beyond all the hugs and kisses I give my kids. I nurture their spirit, confidence, education, and sense of fun (and sometimes mischief). People who don’t think stay-at-home dads nurture have not seen a stay-at-home dad in action.

4.  At-home fathers are trying to be better than moms.

Are dads better stay-at-home parents than moms? What a dumb, meaningless question. But that is what the talk show producers wanted us to argue. Dads are not better than moms. And moms are not better than us.

Parenting is not a competition!

I don’t work against my wife to raise our children; I work with her. That we parent differently is a benefit to our kids. They get the best of both worlds.

5. SAHDs are the only fathers worthy of attention

Stay-at-home dads are so hot right now! But we are still in the minority. Not only compared to stay-at-home moms, but compared to all the active and involved fathers who go to work (or work from home) every day and are co-equal parents every night. Why are they being ignored by the media?

Stay-at-home dads are at the forefront of the changing image of fathers, but working dads deserve our attention, too. Like working moms, they are trying to have it all and should be lauded for their efforts. It is not being done enough, so I’ll do it here. You guys are defeating the stereotype of the lazy, bumbling dad who doesn’t know his way around a diaper. Keep up the good work, at the office and at home.

+ + +

A version of SAHD myths was originally published by Time Ideas before it ran here in 2014. Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash.

This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

The drive home from preschool is a highlight in the day-to-day work schedule of this daddy, and it usually goes like this:

• Take 20 minutes to walk up or down half a flight of stairs, depending on which exit we take.
• Wander semi-aimlessly down the sidewalk adjacent to an extremely busy downtown street.
• Stop to look at “treasures” along the way — stuff like acorns and rocks and the occasional bug or cigarette butt.
• Coax children into the truck and buckle them into their seats.
• Slip into the driver’s seat and drive off [after checking email, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram].
• Halfway through our 15-minute drive home, The Boy falls asleep. The Girl complains I’m not playing enough “girl songs” on the radio before nearly falling asleep.

And that’s it. We rarely dig into deep conversations. The kids each refuse to discuss what they learned at school. The drive simply is what it is — a ride from Point A to Point B.

But not today.

The Girl [calling out over Robert Earl Keen’s “New Life in Old Mexico.”]: Daddy.

Me: Yeah, babe?

Her: DADDY.

Me [turning radio down and glancing in the rearview mirror]: Yes?

Her: I have a question.

Me: OK.

Her: Hey, Daddy, why don’t you go to work?

Me: Umm … Hmmm … Well, uh … [Quick! Think of something, dumbass!]

Not many adults ask why I am an at-home daddy, but when they do I usually give them some line about how it wouldn’t have made financial sense to send the kids to daycare if most or all of my work salary would go to pay for it. Truth is, the money I was making editing and doing a minimal amount of freelance writing work wouldn’t have paid for daycare anyway. Plus, The Wife’s income is head and shoulders and probably another whole person’s body above what I would ever make writing and editing.

Add in that I’ve never had a career in the true sense of the word, and the decision for me to stay home was a no-brainer for us. That last point may complicate things once the kids are all in grade school, but that’s a blog post for another day. A day far, far in the future.

Me: Well, I stay home with y’all instead of going to work because Mom and I decided it was important for one of us to be home to take care of you and your brother. We agreed that Mom would go to work.

Her: But I think Mommy should stay home. I wish she would stay home and you would go to work, Daddy.

Me: I know. Having Mom at home would be nice, but that’s not the deal we made.

[Silence]

The answer was as simple as I could make it without replying, “Just because.” I don’t know if The Girl was satisfied with my answer, but that was the end of it. She didn’t ask any follow-up questions. She didn’t whine about the way things are. It was almost as if she had a question, got an answer, and was satisfied — which is definitely a first for my 3-year-old Li’l Miss Asks A Lot.

The drive home today was a reminder that tough questions are coming soon … about everything. The questions probably will never stop coming, and I’d better have answers as often as possible. I want my kids to know they can ask me about anything at any time.

I put The Boy, who had slept through the whole conversation, in his crib and walked to the living room. The Girl was sitting quietly on the couch.

Me [nearly whispering so as to not wake The Boy]: Hey, that was a really good question you asked in the truck. You know you can ask me questions anytime you want, right?

Her [loud kid-style whispering]: Yeah. Can I have a snack and watch TV?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Matt Norman, co-founder of the Austin Dads Group, explains to his children his role as a stay-at-home dad. A version of this first appeared on his blog And So It Has Come to This. It was first published here in 2017 and has since been updated.

This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

The most prevalent examples of fatherhood tend to be built around the same story. It’s one about lazy, uninvolved, and at its worst, abusive dads. These often come accompanied by complaints about men not taking on their fair share of the physical and mental load of parenting. These stories of weaponized incompetence fill pages and pages of books, magazines and social media. Rarely do these tales offer corrective advice or give solutions.

Meanwhile, the handful of positive stories about fatherhood that have made headlines in recent generations tend to center on people later discredited or found disreputable (hello, Bill Cosby!) or sports stars who are gone from home half the year. Not that you’d find even these or any stories about dads in parenting publications and websites — unless, of course, it’s related to that one day in June.

It can be quite refreshing when fathers are ignored, though. For a minute, we can at least imagine we are part of the parenting world. The quiet doesn’t last long, though. Soon, more words are written. Did you hear about fathers who go on fishing trips with the boys and — wait — they end up in a strip club? And the question that is asked, if one ever is, is this: Why are all fathers like this?

That’s where I want to push back.

Dads need support, inspiring examples

Richard Reeves of the American Institute of Boys and Men has written much about the issues our gender faces. (His Substack is fascinating. He also wrote the book Of Boys and Men which is also a great read.) One of his many concerns is the lack of environments where boys can exist and learn from each other. But not as some “old boys’ network” of the past, but as a new way forward. Somewhere young males can develop their emotional intelligence and build friendships. Sounds great, right?

Another upcoming book, BoyMom by Ruth Whippman, is another great read about the issues facing our sons. She is one of the first to actually go into the “manosphere” and talk to incels or “involuntary celibate” males. One of her major research findings is the lack of good examples of masculinity. But after reading it, I also noticed — once again — a lack of good examples of fatherhood.

Society seems primarily to want fathers who are stoic men of action. These are the dads who “man up,” ignoring their own problems while fixing the world for everyone else. Other times, it wants dads who can cook a 12-course meal, make $200,000 a year, and do so without so much as a thank you. What it doesn’t show are examples of a dad who simply exists in the same space as his children and peers, parenting the best he can without feeling like he is letting someone else down. Why? It’s not dramatic. It has no diabolical twists and turns. It’s a straightforward tale of a man who works hard to fulfill his paternal responsibilities and shows up. Every. Single. Day.

Positive fatherhood role models are out there — right out in the open — and everyone seems to miss them. For some reason, at-home dads are rarely held up as the example of what fatherhood and masculinity could be at their best. Instead of showing these fathers (and other good ones who are not at-home dads) caring for their family, giving out hugs like it’s a beer share, or spending countless nights sleeping next to a crib, we inevitably hear, “Why aren’t dads doing more?”

We are. But it’s not very dramatic and, thus, rarely headline-worthy.

The silent story of fatherhood

I recently wrote about football player Jason Kelce’s retirement announcement. In that article, I used the phrase “silent story of fatherhood.” It served as a nod to Jason’s description of his dad, Ed, who supported him every step of the way from childhood. No fanfare. No awards. No recognition. And that is fine. But this is a story I think is way more common than the clickbait articles that allegedly “speak for fathers.”

To me, this is what at-home dads are. It’s what single fathers are. It’s what married fathers who work 60 hours a week and come home and still find the energy to let a toddler crawl all over them are. None of us want condescending credit or hollow compliments. We just want to spend time with our kids, and we’d appreciate it if we got some support along the way. We would love to be part of a world that recognizes our difficulties without turning them into a competition with other parents. And, we would like to turn on our computers and TVs and see a better example of fatherhood — one that speaks more clearly and personally to our reality.

Using these fathers as springboards, we should be able to change the story of fatherhood. We can develop narratives that show what we do well, what obstacles we face, and how we try to overcome them. We will still need to call out the bad fathers who leave their kids and never come back or who refuse to change a diaper but because they don’t deserve our respect they will serve far fewer words in our story let alone headlines.

Fathers DO have their own support groups: either online or in real life. Some are even specific types of fathers: at-home dads, dads with daughters, and so on. In these places, men can come together, simply exist and support each other like Dr. Reeves recommends. We can talk about the latest sports news and, just as confidently, tell another dad, “Hey, I don’t think I’m doing so well.” It’s where we can be vulnerable and further develop our emotional intelligence, just as Ruth Whippman wishes for her sons. It’s a place where we can be whole human beings, not the fraction of ones that much of the world has taught us to be. We should hold these men up as examples of and role models of fathers working to be, if not acting like, strong, competent and caring parents. I know they are because I see them every day.

And we need to do all this in a way that does not demean women and mothers. They need to be celebrated for their sacrifices as much as we need to be recognized for ours. Parenting isn’t a competition, so we should stop treating it that way especially when we speak and write about it.

So come to a dads’ group gathering sometime. Talk to the single dad who is an expert at French braids and who can also build you a deck. Find the at-home dad who gave up his career for playdates, doctors’ appointments and volunteering behind the scenes at his child’s school plays. Listen to the divorced father who would rather have a tea party with his child than a tee time at the links.

We exist. You just have to look and listen.

Fatherhood story photo by Pavel Danilyuk via Pexels.

Stay-at-home dads and work-at-home fathers are scheduled to gather in St. Louis this October for HomeDadCon 2024, the annual conference for these dads to add to their parenting skills, support each other and socialize.

Speakers and topics have yet to be announced for the event, which runs Oct. 17 to 19. Breakout topics at past conventions ranged from dealing with picky eaters to teaching children about sexual consent. Outreach or social activities, such as attending a sporting event, are often part of the program.

The National At-Home Dad Network (NAHDN) event is for stay- and work-at-home fathers who embrace parenting as their most important job. It allows them to network with other active fathers, learn from experts about various parenting and social issues, and take a brief respite from parenting duties. (DISCLOSURE: City Dads Group has been a long-time sponsor and partner with The National At-Home Dad Network for the at-home dads convention.)

HomeDadCon 2024 ticket, hotel information

A ticket to the HomeDadCon 2024 costs $230 for members. It includes access to all event programs, three meals, and a T-shirt. Tickets are only available to NAHDN members. It costs an additional $35 to join the organization for a year.

Discounted hotel reservations are available while they last at the Drury Plaza Hotel St. Louis at the Arch, which doubles as the event venue. The cost is $169 a night for double occupancy. For people wanting to split the rooming costs, the organization has a Discord group to help attendees find a roommate.

+ Buy a St. Louis HomeDadCon ticket +

The nonprofit National At-Home Dad Network offers advocacy, community, education, and support for families where fathers are their children’s primary caregivers. Its stated purpose is to empower fathers and champion a culture that recognizes them as competent parents.

The organization has expanded its work in recent years. It now runs parenting webinars and podcasts plus regular online gatherings for members to discuss issues. The National At-Home Dad Network has also recorded some of the past HomeDadCon sessions, some of which are made available only to dues-paying members.

Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. This one comes from 2013.

One thing my family loves about living in New York City is the diversity and the “melting pot” promise of the city. We want our kids to grow up in this sort of cultural and economic diversity. But even in this vibrant, libel city, my skin color still has the ability to raise an eyebrow. Almost on a daily basis. Like all the times people think I’m the kids’ manny.

We are a multicultural family. I am an Indian American. My parents emigrated from India almost 50 years ago, long before I was born. My wife is a home-grown American – for lack of a better phrase. Her lineage includes Irish, Native American, German and probably a few more.

We have two daughters: a 4- and a 10-month-old. Sadly for me, but fortunately for them, they look nothing like me. I don’t mean that they resemble my wife more than me on a sliding scale. I mean that they look nothing like me.

As an Indian American, my complexion is dark. I have brown eyes and dark hair, well, I did before going bald. Our oldest daughter, on the other hand, is a result of a chuckle that her genetic makeup decided to have on me. She is stunning. I am her dad and I am supposed to think that, I know. But she is. She has blonde hair, striking blue eyes and an extremely slight olive tint to her skin. She looks nothing like me. Our younger daughter does have dark hair but sports a bluish-green eye color to die for. She has a similar skin tone to her sister. I’m a lucky Dad with a lifetime of stress and worry ahead of me!

Family and friends throw me a bone every now and then and claim to see some physical feature that resembles me in the girls. It’s nice of them to try.

Neither manny nor adbuctor

Given the extreme disparity of my appearance with my older daughter, I would often (and still do) get looks of interest, confusion, and sometimes even concern. The looks often made me feel as if I needed to justify my relationship to my daughter in public. I’ve been asked directly if she was my daughter by perfect strangers. My daughter, being an extremely bright and observant girl, became conscious of this tension with no provocation. At 2 years old, in response to a quizzical look, she grabbed my leg in a crowded elevator and declared loudly, “This is my Daddy!” Admittedly, I quietly loved this. She got to the point that she would scream this declaration to every stranger that dared to look at us.

One time, close to her third birthday, I was bringing her home from a friend’s house a little too close to dinner time. On the walk to the subway, she began to melt down and cry for her mommy. The tantrum began to escalate and I picked her up to get on the subway quickly. A concerned passerby actually followed us for about four blocks out of concern for her. It wasn’t until my daughter finally spat out, “Daddy, I want to go home,” in her tantrum that the person actually turned around and left.

I suppose I should have felt a bit thankful that a perfect stranger was trying to ensure the safety of my daughter. I’d certainly want that should she actually be in a situation that required help. In reality, I was mildly offended at the assumption that she could not possibly be my child.

I don’t appear to get as many looks with my younger daughter, I think as a result of her dark hair. Regardless, as my girls get older, I find myself less and less conscious of the looks I receive with them. I do find myself occasionally fighting off the urge to yell at all the moms at that park, “No. I am not the manny! I’m their father thankyouverymuch!”

Thus, even in a city as diverse and incredible as New York, you really never know what sort of family you will run into. We certainly have all kinds. I think to some degree we all try to fit people into molds that are comfortable to us. I think it’s natural and I am sure I have done it myself. My own experience has taught me to take the extra conscious effort to make no assumptions and remind myself how amazingly different our families can be.

Photo: © zinkevych / Adobe Stock.

I’d been an at-home dad for more than six years and thought I’d seen it all. Poop explosions, playdate fiascos, cicada collecting. And through it all, the one constant has been my wife. She was always close by. Even if gone for a day at work, she’d always be home by the evening.

However, the truth is that when you’re an at-home parent or primary caregiver of any type, you will eventually have to go it alone.

Solo parenting.

Just you.

Without any adult support.

It’s sometimes planned — a business trip, a class reunion, or some other event. Sometimes it’s unplanned — an illness, a funeral, or a family crisis. So, how do you survive these moments?

First, as Douglas Adams writes so often in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: “Don’t panic.”

Solo parenting seems like a lot, but when this solo journey ends, you’ll be stronger and closer to your kids. At the same time, it’s worth recognizing that you can’t keep everything the same.

For example, on my first day with my wife away, I quickly realized a number of our routines didn’t work without an extra adult in the background. Take bedtime, of which we have two. Normally, one of us puts our 3-year-old daughter to bed, while the other stays up with our 6-year-old son. Once our daughter’s asleep (or at least in her room and not screaming, which — let’s face it — is all you can really wish for from a 3-year-old), the other adult puts our son to bed.

Well, obviously that wasn’t going to work. And on top of that, the “Where’s Mommy? When is Mom coming home? I WANT MOMMY!” chorus of screams was growing louder by the moment. What could I do?

Get an older kid to help

Two screamers versus me: that wasn’t working. But what if my son helped out? As I made dinner, I asked for his support. He was going to help with the dinner, and then help me put my daughter to bed. He heartily agreed, and then asked if they could record a video to their mom saying goodnight.

Send videos

When your spouse or partner is away, send them videos. My kids wanted to say good night and smile, they even sang a bit. I found that this worked far better than Zoom. We tried Zoom and it always ended in tears. Maybe with older kids it would’ve been fine, but pre-recording the kids using my phone worked like a charm. They loved smiling and singing to her, and those recordings are honestly treasured memories we’ll keep.

Keep solo parenting expectations realistic

As the time away from their mother continued, the novelty wore off for the kids. Each day started to get a bit more routine, but also a bit harder. This is where the expectations really come into play. If you usually divide chores between adults, don’t instantly try to do double the work when one is away. All you’ll do is drive yourself nuts. Similarly, recognize that the kids will complain and miss your spouse, but those whines do start to wane. For us, counting down to our pickup at the airport helped, as did pointing to all the planes in the sky. My kids asked if Mom was on every single one of them. The answer was obviously no, but they enjoyed asking anyways.

The pickup trials

The hardest part of the entire time away, for us, was the airport pickup. It was very hard, practically a disaster. We arrived late, at the wrong terminal, and couldn’t find my wife. There was no food for us or the kids. And, of course, my daughter had an accident in the car on the way there and another on the way back. My biggest advice for the pickup circus is preparation. I needed to have those kids fed before I drove up, and I needed to do a better job finding the correct terminal. And I needed to be far, far earlier. If we’d arrived earlier and brought our computer tablets, maybe the kids would’ve been fed, entertained, and accident-free. Or maybe not. I’m sure we would have still run into problems.

Well, my wife’s packing to go away on another business trip next month. I’m not nervous this time about solo parenting this time. However, I know there’s still a lot to learn.

Photo: © Snapic.PhotoProduct / Adobe Stock.

Milwaukee will host HomeDadCon 2023, the annual conference to help at-home fathers hone their parenting skills, this September.

The National At-Home Dad Network (NAHDN) event is for stay- and work-at-home fathers who embrace parenting as their most important job. It allows them to network with other active and involved dads, learn from experts about various parenting and social issues, and take a brief respite from parenting duties.

The Milwaukee Dads Group will have a hand in planning and coordinating this year’s event. (DISCLOSURE: City Dads Group has been and is a long-time sponsor and partner with The National At-Home Dad Network for the at-home dads convention.)

Speakers and topics have yet to be announced for the event, which kicks off with a welcoming party the evening of Sept. 21 and runs through Sept. 23. Breakout topics at past conventions ranged from dealing with picky eaters to teaching children about sexual consent. Outreach or social activities, such as attending a sporting event, are often part of the program.

Ticket, hotel information

A ticket to the HomeDadCon 2023 costs $225. It includes access to all event programs, three meals and a T-shirt. Tickets are only available to NAHDN members. It costs $35 to join the organization for a year.

Discounted hotel reservations are available through August 23 at Hyatt Regency Milwaukee, which doubles as the event venue. The cost is $167 a night for double occupancy. For people wanting to split the rooming costs, the organization has a Discord group to help attendees find a roommate.

+ Join NAHDN & buy a HomeDadCon 2023 ticket +

The nonprofit National At-Home Dad Network offers advocacy, community, education, and support for families where fathers are their children’s primary caregivers. Its stated purpose is to empower fathers and champion a culture that recognizes them as competent parents.

In the past few years, the organization has added parenting webinars and podcasts to its website. It has also recorded some of the past HomeDadCon sessions, some of which are made available only to dues-paying members.

Editor’s Note: We’ve been reviewing the 14 years of content compiled on this site to uncover some parenting pearls of wisdom that need to be rediscovered. This post about mastering certain parenting concepts was originally published in October 2010.

The recent at-home dads’ convention in Omaha, Neb., was chock full of content. One workshop inspired me the most, though — the feature presentation by Dr. Frank E. Bowers, a supervising psychologist at the Boys Town Behavioral Health Clinic, part of Boys Town Community Support Services in Nebraska, on “the most important job in the world,” fatherhood.

During Bower’s introduction, the audience was told we would “discover why the role of fatherhood is so critical to the success of our children and what we can do better at our job.” OK, you had me hooked!

This thought-provoking presentation revolved around the Top 10 Parenting Concepts to Remember. I will add that these concepts are just as appropriate for moms as well as dads. In fact, I would not be surprised if this passionate speaker, completes a similar inspirational presentation frequently to mothers groups.

Bowers describes the goal of parenting as “safe passage from birth to adulthood.”

So, let’s get down to the Top 10 Parenting Concepts:

1. Adult Think vs. Child Think

As parents, we need to constantly remind ourselves that we are talking to a child and they don’t think the same way we do. Their brains are not yet wired for the same logic we are. Set your behavioral expectations accordingly. Be a firm parent dad with a lot of structure.

2. Emotional Parenting (E-Line) vs. Purposeful Parenting (P-Line)

The aim here (without displaying the line graph) is that as parents we should work hard at hovering close to the “P” line — purposeful, powerful and proactive parenting — rather than hovering on the Emotional “E” line. This will result in a lot more “time in” with our kids than dealing with “time out.”

3. The Secret To Parenting…

The secret is to give our children what they want when they give you the behaviors you want. What do your children want the most? Your attention!

4. How We Learn?

A. Repetition – think about how you learned your multiplication tables.
B. Contrast – think 98.6 degrees vs. 350 degrees
Rule: The greater the contrast, the fewer repetitions needed.

The lesson from touching a hot stove (350 degrees) vs. touching another person (98.6 degrees) requires a lot less repetition to be learned. Therefore, you might have to keep telling your toddler to stop hitting other kids over and over again (lots of repetition). If you ever say to tell your child, “How many times do I have to tell you” … well, the answer is “at least one more time.”

5. Kids Want Structure

They won’t tell you this, but it helps tremendously.

6. Discipline is the Goal

Discipline helps create better behavior in the future. It is NOT punishment, which can be retroactive. Teaching self-discipline is key. For example, you cut your kid’s meat into small pieces so they can eat it with the hopes of modeling so one day they can cut their own food.

7. Set Them Up for Success

•  Provide adequate structure.
• Don’t “invite” them to lie. If you know they took a cookie from the jar, don’t ask them if they took the cookie when you already know the answer.
•  Make expectations developmentally appropriate.

8. Catch Them Being Good!

This one really resonated with me. We are constantly watching for negative behavior so we can pounce on it and correct it.  We should spend more time praising the behavior we want from our children. Therefore, give our kids more attention when acting appropriately than when doing something we disapprove of.

9. Be a Good Role Model

“A lesson is caught more than taught!” The example Bowers used was paying for a movie with your 13-year-old. If the price is lower for ages 12 and under and you tell your kids to say, “I am only 12” to save some cash, you are basically teaching your kid to cheat.

10. Enjoy Your Children

Every stage has its ups and downs.  At least I am on target with this concept — we are having a blast!

Some final food for thought:

• If you argue with your kids, you lose!  You bring yourself to a peer-to-peer level instead of parent-to-child dynamic.
• Sail on the high “SEAS” of parenting: consistent-sea (consistency) and persistent-sea (persistency)

You might think many of these concepts are common sense, but once you reflect a bit on your parenting style, there is plenty here to digest and improve upon. Now, I need to sign off and figure out how to parent closer to the “P” line so I don’t get so emotional and bent out of shape.

Photo: © anoushkatoronto / Adobe Stock.

Weddings, births, deaths, graduations, new jobs. All momentous events worthy of celebrating. These major life transitions either mark the beginning or end of an era.

However, many milestones pass largely unremarked. Time doesn’t pause and say, “Hey, pay attention! This isn’t going to happen again!” There are no warnings like, “Yo! Only three more weeks left of this!”

For example, it could be a job we had with awesome co-workers that we didn’t realize how awesome they were until someone moved on. Maybe we were on a team on which we didn’t realize how well all the players had bonded until a few dropped off and new ones came on board. Perhaps, it’s a regular pickup basketball with friends that suddenly stops comes together.

These moments we didn’t see coming to an end can hit you strangely after you realize they have passed. However, I see one on my horizon.

It will be the day I’m no longer able to take my kid everywhere with me.

From flexible work to a ‘normal’ 9-to-5

For six years as our family’s primary caregiver, I’ve had my son with me: in the backseat, in my arms, on my shoulders, holding his hand everywhere.

He’s been with me to several hundred home showings for my real estate job, which allows me flexibility in work hours. He’s been to well over 100 closing appointments in his short lifetime. That kid has put in probably a couple thousand hours at my offices.

Then, of course, there’s the many visits to parks, museums, libraries and grocery stores we’ve shared as well as all those smoothie lunches.

Enter change.

My son goes from half-day kindergarten to full-day first grade in the fall. I’m looking at getting a “normal” 9-to-5 job when this happens.

I’m just going to be a regular Joe. Dropping my kid off at school, going to work, going home. He’s going to be just a regular kid, going to school, going home.

What I’m losing in this deal is my sidekick and my “freedom.” Losing my somewhat special status as an at-home dad.

Gone will be our lazy mornings of French toast at 10 a.m. No more smoothie lunches after the library or park. No more spontaneous trips to matinees to watch the latest kids’ movie. So long, spontaneous camping trips. No more optional bed times because now we both have some place to be in the morning.

Paradise lost.

Sometimes, life transitions to the better

I say this now. I’ve had my doubts over the past six years. There have been many moments when I’ve felt weighed down being the primary caretaker. Ego and envy has sometimes gotten the better of me. My natural desire to always be a provider for my family has battled with my full-time responsibilities for my son’s well-being. Career ambitions curtailed, recognition delayed.

Of course, I’m only looking at the negative.

There’s an exciting adventure ahead for both of us. My son’s going to learn a whole lot of things, and meet new friends. With him at school during the day, I can change my work hours so I don’t have to have so many showings and listing appointments on nights and weekends. This will give us more distraction-free time together.

This next phase, it’s going to be absolutely fantastic. Though I felt I had to take some time to observe and mourn the end of this part of my life, in hindsight, they were some of my best years. I just didn’t fully recognize it while I was living them.

Life transitions photo: © peterschreiber.media / Adobe Stock.