A friend of mine from college was in town recently so we got together to catch up. Seeing him again was great because it brought back some great memories and encouraged me about today’s young people.

For the record, I feel I’m 90 years old when I write “today’s young people.” However, in this context it’s true. My friend’s son is in his senior year of high school. My kids are 3 and 5. I don’t feel like an “old” dad but, suddenly, having a good friend talking about his near-adult child made me feel weird.

Having a kid forces you to grow up immediately and become more mature. What would I have done had I become a father in my 20s rather than my mid-30s? I know lots of guys who became dads in their early 20s. It all worked out fine for them. But for me, it seems alien and out of place. Being a dad and, more importantly, being mature enough to parent responsibly is something I couldn’t even fathom until I was in my mid-30s.

My friend and I met for lunch at a fast-food restaurant with one of those attached playground rooms. He marveled that my sons were always by my side. They always wanted to be near me. They’d pop out of the playground room to ask questions, play peek-a-boo and generally be cute.

“One day, they just stop wanting to be with you all the time,” he said. “They get their license, get a group of friends and you’ll see them for dinner. Maybe.”

I peppered him with questions about raising older children. As his son is applying for college, I asked about that process. He was frank about the costs, how much he could cover and how much debt he’d have at the end of four years. It was shocking to realize that the total cost for four years of college for the two of us cost only slightly less than one year of college for his son.

But he also put some of my concerns at ease. Some things had changed for the better since we went to college. For starters, a rising freshman now has an idea of what to expect employment-wise from their proposed major. They know their job possibilities, where those employment opportunities are located and how much they’ll realistically earn after graduation. We never had an idea of how much money it takes to exist, make it, succeed or prosper in the real world. Believe me, had those information fields been filled in for me when I was in college, I would’ve gone after a more stable and profitable profession.

My friend went on to tell me about some of our school friends who now owned small businesses, were chefs, city planners and one who is a high-ranking explosives expert for a large state bureau of investigations. We marveled at how we all ended up in such a diverse arena of employment.

My friend had to start his drive home. He left me feeling that the kids who are going to college today aren’t going in as blind as their parents did back in the day. It was also a great reminder that no matter how annoying, tiring, messy, repetitive and frustrating small children can be; a day will come when I’m not as cool to them as I am now.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

A version of this first appeared on Daddy Mojo and ran here in 2015. It has since been updated. Photo: PublicDomainPictures.net

Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our archives for great articles you might have missed over the years. This article about a dad’s introverted teen daughter comes from 2018.

I recently ran into the mother of a girl at my daughter’s high school. Both our kids are seniors this year; they know each other and are casual friends.

After congenial hellos in the line at our neighborhood coffeehouse, she asked, “So! What are Riley’s plans after graduation?”

We’re not totally sure yet, but are looking at colleges in the area.

“The whole college thing is overwhelming, isn’t it?” the mom exclaimed. “How are her grades? How are her SATs scores? Are you applying to places that put a big emphasis on extracurriculars?”

Grades were fine; test scores, fine. I had no idea how much certain schools care about extracurriculars (because of how I’m a bad dad and stuff), so I kept my answers polite but short, without elaborating much.

But this mom could not be stopped.

“Hey,” she said, “did Riley ever decide to try out for any school plays? The last time I saw you, you said she was thinking about doing theater. Theater can do wonders for a kid’s social skills and confidence. Skyler isn’t a theater kid, but she’s really loving her debate team. Plus she’s on the yearbook staff. And she’s doing cheerleading, can you believe it!?”

Riley and I had briefly talked about theater as an extracurricular pursuit, but it ultimately wasn’t for her. I said as much to the mom, then mentally kicked myself for it.

“Oh,” she said, suddenly doleful. “Sounds like she’s still our little introvert, isn’t she? You know what? It’s going to be fine. You shouldn’t worry. A lot of kids grow out of it.”

That’s when I had to suddenly use every ounce of maturity I had to excuse myself politely. It wasn’t just that her tone was condescending and offensive. It was that it was laced with the arsenic glaze of “Thank God my kid isn’t like your kid.”

Thanks for that, but I like my kid just fine, fuck you very much.

Dad and daughter — different teen spirits

I was also an introverted teen. It took me a while to come out of what I perceived at the time as my “shell.” I was shy, awkward and pretty unsocialized. (And, as it turned out, deeply, deeply closeted. But that’s a whole other bunch of blog posts.) I never stopped being weird in my own ways, but I did discover a few social skills and ended up making valuable friends, many of whom are still in my life today. I tapped into some dormant extrovert traits around my junior year. I discovered confidence through my school’s fine arts programs, learned the fine art of partying from my more rebellious friends, and found ways to connect with people from different social circles. As a result, I have deeply fond memories of high school.

But when I became a parent, I firmly told myself that when my daughter became a teenager, I wouldn’t use my own experience as a barometer for what was and wasn’t right for her — a common parenting mistake.

This is good because while my high school experience was about friends, school activities, and sneaking out to late-night parties, my teen daughter is not.

Her high school experience has been different. She has a couple of friends, but very rarely does she have anyone over after school to study or hang out. She’s involved in a couple of afterschool activities, but nothing that has enlarged her social sphere. She doesn’t party. She spends most weekends at home with us and seems content with that. She’s a straight-laced, good kid.

Yes, my daughter is an introverted teen.

Neither she nor I need a Myers-Briggs test to tell us that. I see it in her behavior, and I recently came to appreciate it more than I used to.

Why do people worry about introverted teens or introversion in kids in general?

Because introversion so often runs against what we’re told are valuable skills: sociability, confidence in large groups, and the overall ability to be the life of the party. It’s the stuff of popularity and acceptance. The stuff we see in the kid Most Likely To Do Everything Impressive After Graduation.

In our cultural context, despite what people claim to understand today about the range of personality types, and the values that come with being both an extrovert and an introvert … the extrovert still always seems to win.

Introverted teen at her best

What does life with my introverted teen daughter look like?

• She is smart and funny, yet has limited energy to sustain it with others.
• She likes being around people and has fun in social settings, as long as she can retreat for short breaks to re-energize.
• She likes parties as long as she has an exit strategy available to her. She doesn’t like the feeling of being trapped someplace where there are tons of people. (You know what? Me neither.)
• She likes attention, but only when she knows to expect it, and only in measured doses. In other words, she wouldn’t like having friends throw her a huge surprise birthday party. She does, however, like getting together with a few friends at a time to hang out.
• She has friends but prefers them at arm’s length much of the time. She doesn’t do the deep sharing thing easily with others. The close friends she does have, she cares for deeply.
• She’s a good listener with tremendous intuitive skills. She pays attention. Nothing gets by her. When I’m feeling sad or upset, she will notice and ask what’s wrong. And because she’s so intuitive, I can’t get away with the classic parental deflection answer: “Oh, I’m just a little tired.” She sees right through that.
• She enjoys her own company and is almost completely immune to peer pressure. No one will ever pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to do.
• She spends her free time diving deep into her own artistic creativity, drawing, sketching and manifesting a world around her that’s more colorful than the one others see.
• She solves problems and addresses challenges by talking them out to herself, rather than looking for others to serve as a sounding board. This means she’s got resilience, resourcefulness, and the ability to think critically on her own.

I do believe that there’s a healthy middle ground between extroversion and introversion, of course. The ability to draw energy both from being with others and from taking time alone? That sounds great. Do you know anyone who has that particular yin-yang balancing act down?

My daughter still has growing to do. As always, I look forward to seeing how she’ll evolve as adulthood approaches. But do I want her introversion to end up being just a phase? Do I want my wonderfully strange, creative, thoughtful girl to “grow out of it?”

Not even a little bit.

Introverted teen photo by Igor Cancarevic on Unsplash

When my niece asked me to help her apply to colleges, I gladly volunteered not knowing the process itself is one of the biggest challenges. Understanding the college application process, I learned, is like looking at one of those funky pictures to test if you’re colorblind. You know a number is hiding somewhere in that dotted thing, but since you can’t see blue or green, it all comes out as splotchy mush.

Grades, extracurriculars, personality, essays — they all have their place in the college admissions crucible. But it’s no longer just about filling out an application and waiting by the mailbox. It’s a code, and those who can crack it have a higher chance of being accepted. Seriously, the process is so convoluted these days that there are actual professionals whose only job is to help you navigate it.

But she’s my niece, and I am awesome. This was a quest, and if a lifetime of playing video games has taught me anything, I rock at quests. If there is a dragon to fight then I’m your guy.

Don’t let your Common App be common

The first thing you realize on this quest is that you are not fighting just one dragon in a dark cave. Instead, there is the one dragon you know about and another 20 lurking in the darkness. If you didn’t swear before, now you will learn how.

Before we begin, a book recommendation: The Price You Pay for College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make by Ron Leiber. This is your quest map, and you’ll refer to it often.

Everything starts (kind of) with the Common App. This is the generic application many universities use. But not all of them. Some only use parts of it. Some universities also have their own application process that is separate (or in addition to) the Common App. See, even the beginning is complicated.

There are questions and essays in this app, which brings me back to the only things I remember about my own experience. An essay! I can write an essay! No, you can’t. Your kid has to write the essay. But as dads, we get to help. And in this case, one of my fellow Kansas City Dads Group members had the expertise I was looking for.

Andy Arends has worked in admissions for years. He told me, “The Common App makes it easy to blanket apply to many different colleges, but take the extra step and tweak each application. Relate your lived experience to your academic interest, and then take it one step further. Explain how you will use that college experience to change the world.”

That’s solid advice. Now we begin to get some behind-the-scenes action steps. I love knowing so many dads. This is the power of our community.

“Avoid being vague,” Andy told me. “Stay away from superficial discussions of a college or major. Show deep knowledge or a very specific experience.”

What to look for in a college: good fit, rentention

But there’s more to getting into college than looking good on paper.

One of the best pieces of advice I received from many dads who have been through this, and also from Lieber’s book, is that picking a college is about looking at its overall value. You should consider how will the college fit with your life, not how you fit with theirs.

“You need to start with retention rates,” said another college admissions expert. (Note: Many asked me not to use their names in this article, which you know means they are giving us the good stuff.)

The retention rate is the percentage of a college’s first-time, first-year undergraduate students who return the next year. Retention rate, she said, tells you more about a community and the people who go there than many other factors. It shows the commitment of the student body. The more comfortable you feel, the better your chances of finding your community. For my niece, this was a big factor. She wanted a college where diversity mattered.

Second, several people recommended your child develop a relationship with the college recruiters. Basic networking matters even here. It won’t guarantee that you’ll get into the school of your choice, but it can’t hurt to have your name front and center.

Apply when and to how many colleges?

But still, one of my biggest questions was when to apply.

“Early. The sooner the better,” said another college admissions expert who works for a D1 school. His point: the college application process is competitive. When you apply early, you will have less competition for a limited number of spots.

Also, the earlier you are accepted, the better your chances at getting more financial aid. All the college admissions people I talked to and Lieber’s book backed this up. (Paying for college — that’s a whole other process that seems separate from this rigmarole. That will take a whole other article.) But know that almost no one pays the full sticker price for college. Even the wealthy work the system. But what you can do is play financial offers off each other. At that point, it’s a negotiation.

This means your kid needs to apply to more than one school.

“Reach for two dream schools,” I was told. “Then two you feel confident about, and two that you are sure that you can get into.” This is exactly what my niece did.

Big choices after college application process success

My niece and I followed all that advice throughout the fall semester of her senior year. She wrote an amazing essay. She applied early, sending applications to at least six colleges. And the result was better than we hoped. She got into her dream school.

But now the challenge really starts. She received a full ride to a different school and numerous other generous financial aid packages from others. This is where the fun really starts because, again, it all comes down to the value question.

It’s not only where she will fit in the best and graduate. Now it comes down to how much she wants to invest in that future. Will the degree or program from her dream college give her a leg up in the world, or will it not matter? I can’t answer that question because the value here is her choice. Lieber’s book goes into this a great deal, and here with the college application process over, I still find myself reading those sections over and over.

The biggest truth, though, is that this isn’t my success. I was merely playing the role of Gandalf through this whole thing. This victory belongs to my niece. She put in the work, filled out the applications, and wrote an amazing essay. I was her hype man. At this stage in all of our children’s lives, I feel like that matters as much as anything else. But that doesn’t mean that my heart does swell with pride.

Our next step is to go through the financial side of how to pay for everything. I’ve written about how college costs have skyrocketed. It’s another quest, with more dragons, but I have no doubt my badass niece is up for the challenge. I’ll be her bard when she needs it.

College application process photo: © terovesalainen/ Adobe Stock.

My oldest son, Yosef, has to start thinking about life after high school. I feel lost about how to help. When I was his age, my college planning process was not really a process at all. 

I knew I wanted to leave home. I also knew the University of Iowa was only 20 miles away. And, I rooted for the black and gold in football. On top of that, my best friend from high school had already made up his mind to become an Iowa Hawkeye. 

Case closed. This college planning stuff was easy, right? 

Twenty years removed, I am scrambling to figure everything out. 

When should Yosef take the SAT?

Should we be road tripping to check out campuses around the country?

What does Yosef know about how to pay for college? (Student Loans, grants, and/or scholarships) 

All this worry and obligation for a kid I still cannot believe is old enough to drive. At times, parenting high school kids feels like standing in the middle of a freeway: You’re dodging speeding cars to evade a disaster that may be completely out of your control. 

Before I succumb to my own doubts about the ability to appropriately help Yosef navigate the college application process, I tell myself to take it piece by piece. 

Step 1: College, trade school, or none of the above?

Before trekking down any path toward my son’s future, we needed agreement about the direction Yosef sees himself going. 

In our household, we insist our kids chase post-high school education of some kind. I should not assume, though, that Yosef’s path is the same that I took. Maybe trade school is an option. Does Yosef have to attend school right away, or would a gap semester be helpful? 

The answers to these questions will shape the way the rest of our college planning will go. I have to get them.    

Step 2: Money, money, money

I hate that we will not be able to feed his checking account and completely cover his tuition bill. That, though, is our family’s reality. Having a big family, in fact, has subtly reinforced the need for Yosef to self-fund a portion of his future education, I think. 

But before I sign him up for a lifetime of student loans, I plan to talk to him about how this all works – mostly based on my own experiences. 

After all, no one ever talked to me about how to pay for college. I keenly remember having a check arrive at the mailbox of my dorm for a student loan overpayment for my first semester. I should have sent it back. Instead, I ate and drank well for a few weeks with that $500. I was a financial idiot leading up to and through college. Yosef will be better informed. 

I help him understand the magnitudes of the money needed for school. To do so properly, I plan to pair this with a discussion about the career path he might take. In a perfect world, I would decouple a discussion about career path and loan payback, but I just cannot in good conscious. Sure, I would love for Yosef to follow a passion. I do not, though, aim to sign him up unwittingly for a lifetime of debts for a career that provides a meager salary. 

Step 3: The work

Finally, I can help Yosef to position himself for college admission and then success once he’s in. 

First things first. He must make good grades. Like REALLY good as kids in his class have cumulative GPAs above 4.5. 

Next, the SAT will become an important differentiator. The good news for students now is that high-priced prep courses of the past are not the only way to prepare to earn higher scores. Our school district provides free resources – like Kahn Academy – that allow Yosef to better prepare for the SAT.       

Lastly, I am told activities outside of grades and scores can make a difference in admission to big-time universities. I’m not convinced. However, I will be using the argument when I continue to plead with Yosef to volunteer in our community or join philanthropic clubs at school.

Step 4: The fun

I may have been clueless about college planning and making dumb financial decisions but, man, was I having a great time! Whatever Yosef ends up doing, I hope he can look back at his post-high school days as favorably as I do. I want him to have the time of his life at school. 

Then again, just writing that phrase makes me nervous. Will he be responsible? Can he wake up for class after going out mid-week? How will Yosef deal with big classes taught by professors who do not care whether you show up or sleep in? 

I will help him learn by talking to him about finding the right balance between having a good time and taking school seriously. 

Step 5: Turn ‘em loose

However, working to arm Yosef with more insights than I had before leaving for college will not help me sleep any better. I will not worry less about him since I will have less influence on his decisions. Helping him wade through today’s financial and scholastic realities also does not mean I am not cheering for him to do whatever it is he feels passionate about. All this effort, in fact, should show Yosef that I want him to succeed.

I will figure it out and so will he. Hopefully, he takes his first step toward a bright future differently than I did, and select a course without regard for his buddy down the street’s opinion or a football rooting interest.

College planning photo: ©Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

Thirty-seven words shaped gender equality in the American school sports and education landscape that our kids take for granted today. 

Title IX of the Educational Amendments of 1972, signed into law by President Richard Nixon that summer, reads:

“No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving federal financial assistance.”

These 37 words seem almost ridiculous to celebrate now. Of course, girls have the same opportunities as boys, right? Even mentioning this legislative initiative to my 13-year-old daughter resulted in her giving me a WTF look. “What? Duh, Dad. Girls can do anything boys can do,” it seemed to say. “Wait, that was actually a thing back then?”

Yes, gender inequality was “a thing.” And, as we look at the impact of Title IX over the past 50 years, parents should tell our kids all about it.   

State of gender equality in 1972

While civil rights laws of the 1960s banned gender discrimination in hiring practices, similar protections for female students did not exist. In fact, Title IX originates from concerns about educational — not athletic — opportunities for women. 

At the time of its passage, women made up fewer than half of all undergraduates at federally funded universities. At the graduate school level, they constituted less than 10% of those enrolled at law or medical school. On the athletic fields, only 4% of females played sports at college levels. Addressing these gender inequalities in school sports became Title IX’s most pervasive legacy.

Title IX and sports

If our daughters were magically transported to the early 1970s, they would see field of play far different than what they experience now. 

For instance, according to the Women’s Sports Foundation:

• Boys had 10 times the athletic opportunities in high school as girls
• Fewer than 30,000 females played a sport at a college level

These are, in my daughter’s terms, “WTF” stats. These are what we should tell our kids about to show how far we’ve come because of Title IX. 

According to most recent data, nearly 3 million more opportunities exist for girls to play school sports post-Title IX. As a result, now 44% of collegiate athletes are women and 60% of high school girls play a sport. 

As I raise my daughters, I never consider the availability of athletic opportunities an issue for them because they have the chance to join any sport they choose. This would have been impossible without Title IX.

Title IX and the myth of lost opportunities for boys

A myth exists that Title IX has hurt our sons. In fact, parents may have heard Title IX talked about in relation to a situation where teams were impacted because of a lack of availability to female students. This may be when a school has a boys’ wrestling team, but none for girls. Or, it may be when it offers girls’ volleyball but no corresponding opportunity for boys. Let’s be very clear: the opportunities and resources available to our sons still exceeds those provided to our daughters – particularly in sports at all levels. 

A recent report by the NCAA shows that while participation ratios have narrowed significantly, the dollars spent on male sports is twice that of female sports at the Division I level. At the Division II level, the sum is still 25% higher. During the past 20 years, males gained 73,000 participation opportunities while females gained 67,000. 

The criticism that Title IX has hurt boys’ sports is, simply, false.      

More work remains for true gender equality

Given the quantum leaps Title IX has made for equality in the past half century, far more remains to be done. This is where our kids can affect the future.

As Title IX turns 50, the protections of transgender athletes from discrimination must be addressed. While a complicated issue with political, social and religious veins, the treatment of biology as it relates to the activities available for participation must be addressed. 

The scope of Title IX is likely to expand to how sexual discrimination cases are handled. On the table for potential changes are presumption of innocence and burden of proof mandates – both amended during the Trump administration. 

So, while Title IX has been a resounding success, there are more issues it can help solve. As parents, we should not allow the tangled, highly politicized future of Title IX to shadow its monumentally successful past. 

My daughter’s dismissive “duh” reaction to me reminding her of the effort it took to create a girls’ soccer program should not go unnoticed. 

The 2021 announcement of the University of Iowa’s female wrestling team – the first for the men’s college wrestling powerhouse – should be celebrated by parents everywhere. 

As my son takes the SAT this fall, I will remind him that he is rightfully competing against everyone – not just the white males that monopolized collegiate undergraduate programs before the 1970s. 

So, parents, let’s wish a loud “Happy Birthday” to Title IX. 

And, just as loudly, let us wish the inequalities it has addressed over its 50-year existence are not a “thing” my sons and daughters will have to explain to their children.

Photo: ©Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

EDITOR’S NOTE: For more helpful tips on helping teens handle stress, visit The Center for Parent and Teen Communication’s special Managing Stress section.

Let’s scoreboard what my teenagers have been through in the last couple of years.

Pandemic. Virtual schooling. Dating. About 500 emails from the school telling them they’ve been exposed to COVID. Quarantine. PSATs. Three separate school-wide walkouts to protest slurs. And college recruiters asking them about their future.

Oh, and they get no more snow days. That last one just seems mean.

As an adult, that is enough to stress me out daily. But how about my teenagers? How does a teen today deal with a world that is chaotic, loud and confusing?

How to spot teen stress

When I’m stressed, I get angry and want to confront the source of the stress. When my stress contributes to my anxiety, I write snarky articles blaming the everyone in the world for being giant jerks. I also swear a lot. However, that’s not the way stress and anxiety present in a teen.

Dads are often advised to watch for their teenagers pulling away or getting frustrated. Advice like that makes me think the people who wrote it have never dealt with a teenager. To spot stress in your teen, it requires a bit more work.

“You have to engage,” Dr. Jeffery Bernstein, author of The Stress Survival Guide for Teens and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, said in an interview with me. “Create a safe space where they feel comfortable talking to you.” 

For me, that brings up visions of cat cafés and chai tea — both things I’d rather not do. I’m more of a dog person.

But I get what he is saying and have practiced it with my own two teenagers. I’ve ditched the “big fatherly talk” where I sit in a regal Victorian chair and have on a dad sweater. Instead, every day I take some time to engage with my teens on their level.

A safe space for talking, listening, observing

My son loves gaming, so I take the time to play with him. Yes, he mops the floor with me, but the point is that I’m there in his environment. This is where we can talk without any extra pressure. With my 15-year-old daughter, it’s scary movies. That time is devoted to her talking about her life.

Conversations come easy when they have the backdrop of something they like, and it gives me a chance to see if they are more withdrawn than usual. My teenagers are more open, forthcoming and honest in these moments.

Often, a teen under stress will verbalize their thoughts in these environments. They don’t know how to deal with the stressors in their lives or that they could even use help. When I am engaged in my kids’ spaces, it opens up those lines of communication. This is what Dr. Bernstein means by creating a safe space.

It’s not just one Ward Cleaver type of moment, but a series of small interactions during the month that last anywhere from 10 minutes to two hours. It’s there that I can help them verbalize rather than to internalize. I like that phrase enough that I’m going to turn it into a bumper sticker now.

Let’s talk coping strategies

Once I know they are stressed, that’s where I struggle as a father. Instinctively, I want to fight their battles.

“Don’t come into it with a fix-it mindset. Lead with empathy,” Bernstein said. “And then use modeling to show them how to cope.”

We need to empower our kids and teach them problem-solving and coping skills. That begins with you. Don’t fight their battles, let them figure out the solution with your guidance. Point them in the right direction of a solution and let them arrive there through their efforts. This will give them ownership of the skill. That ownership will stick with them longer than a lecture.

Sometimes that means that I share their anger and stress. That boy broke your heart? He’s a jerk. That test was hard? Oomph, tell me about it. That then allows me to provide them guidance and perspective based on my experiences. For example, if choosing a college is difficult, then I begin planning small steps with them.

We also have to model better with our own behaviors. When I’m stressed, I swear a lot more. That’s not the best example. A better example would be exercise, eating better, and sticking to a sleep schedule — three things parents the world over are terrible at. But it goes further than that basic cliché advice.

Model your stress management to your teen

We need to share with our children when we are stressed and make it relatable. This is where a lot of fathers fail, including me.

We have it in our heads that as dad, we should be indestructible. We want them to see us the same way they did when they were 3: perfect. They don’t need perfect right now. Our teenagers need reality.

That’s not to mean that we dump a series of adult stresses on them. Instead, Dr. Bernstein states that we should take a coaching approach.

I’ll let my daughter and my son know when I have a deadline coming up that makes me stressed. I’ll usually throw in a joke, but I’ll also let them see my actions. I’m proactive in my solutions. I’ll set a time to get the task done, reward myself when it is done, and then make a plan for the next step.

My kids also see me practice mindfulness. I take 20 minutes a day and run through a program on our VR headset. It helps clear my thoughts and focus on the here and now. As I practice these coping strategies, I’ve talked to my kids about why I’m doing them. That’s how I coach them, and they have begun to adopt some of these strategies.

Keep calm and carry on

Finally, we need help controlling our anger. No one can push our buttons like our teenagers.

“Remove your ego out of the conversation. See it as if you’re watching it from above. Don’t escalate the situation or take it personally,” Bernstein said in our interview.

Easier said than done. But when I speak calmly, I notice my children respond better. And if that’s not working, we all put ourselves into timeout. Timeouts as an adult are awesome.

And if none of the strategies above are working, then it might be time to seek out professional help. Having a third party to talk to may give your teenagers a chance to open up in a way that they can’t with you.

Yes, the world can be a stressful place for adults, and as fathers we need to be aware that our kids share in that stress. Teaching them coping skills is something that they will use for the rest of their life.

And if all else fails, then teach them to swear with the best of them. Don’t put that on me though, I’m stressed enough as it is.

Teen stress photo: ©Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

It was a perfect August morning for peach-picking.

My wife and I were a week away from driving my oldest daughter, Lauren, back to college in Boston for her senior year. After many months of virtual learning from home, the time was “ripe” for her return to in-person learning. To celebrate this pandemic milestone, we planned a final summer outing to a local farm to pick peaches together.

As we gathered with other families and waited for instructions from the couple who owned the farm, warm memories of our children’s younger days picking apples each fall flooded my mind. I knew I would miss days like this with Lauren.

In fact, I couldn’t help likening her imminent departure from our lives once again to the process of picking ripe fruit from a tree. As the farming couple explained, “If the peach is ripe and ready to pick it should come easily off the tree.” After so much pandemic family time, there was no doubt Lauren was ready to leave again.

The farmers added that picking peaches reverses our usual traffic-light associations with red and green. A red peach means “go ahead and pick,” a green peach means “stop — not ready for picking yet.” As Lauren walked in front of us toward the sunny peach patch, I stopped to savor the moment.

Then, it happened.

As if in slow motion, Lauren caught her foot on uneven ground and fell down in pain. No! We hadn’t even picked one peach yet, but she was concerned her ankle might be broken. And she needed to move into her new apartment in just seven days! So off to the nearest emergency room we went for an X-ray. Fortunately, it was just a sprain, but she left in crutches.

Then, something else happened.

Just a few days before our scheduled drive to Boston, Tropical Storm Henri emerged as a threat to the East Coast. The forecasters said it could become the first hurricane to hit Boston in 30 years. Plus, a full moon meant higher tides and greater chances for flooding. What are the odds?

Suddenly, the time did not seem ripe for our back-to-school trip. But because Henri’s intensity and direction were hard for forecasters to predict, my wife and I had to make one of those harrowing parenting decisions. Either we could drive Lauren to Boston early, move her stuff into her apartment, and have her stay safe at my brother’s house during the storm, or we could drive her after the storm but then risk many travel dangers on our return home.

Parenting is full of difficult decisions

We ended up driving her to Boston early to beat the storm, but it went against our parental instincts. What kind of parents drive their child into peril rather than away from peril?

That question flitted through my mind every time various emergency and tree-cutting vehicles with their orange cones hanging off the sides passed us on the Massachusetts Turnpike. By the time we moved Lauren in, her ankle felt better, but she still had to hobble to her third floor bedroom.

Our roller coaster experience with Lauren reminded me that parents always have to make tough decisions, whether we (and the conditions around us) are ready or not. In other words, ripening can’t be rushed.

Sometimes you collect juicy, red-cheeked, perfectly ripe fruit in the peach patch of parenthood. Other times, your child sprains her ankle and you end up in an emergency room before needing to navigate a hurricane as you move that child across several states.

On the way home from Boston, I felt an incredible mix of emotions. Relief that Lauren would be safe. Happiness because she was about to begin her senior year. Worry that she might be overconfident about her ankle. Sadness that our move-in goodbye weekend was curtailed so dramatically.

But I also couldn’t help thinking of a final piece of advice the farming couple gave at our peach-picking session: “Handle the peach like an egg.”

Peaches, like children, are precious and often vulnerable, especially when they’re young. As children age, parents can no longer handle them like an egg in our hands. We can always, however, hold them like an egg in our hearts.

Photo: © Brett / Adobe Stock.

The more I’m around my kids, the more I feel like I’m back in college. My children remind me an awful lot about what it was like to live with my old (and not so great) roommates.

Dishes. My kids leave their dishes wherever they took their last bite of food. Whether it be the couch, the floor in front of the television or the kitchen table, it’s easy to figure out where my child or former college roommates ate their last meal. And why is there a plate in the bathroom? Gross.

Cups. How many cups do my kids need at bedtime? If you use my daughter’s room as an example, the answer is nine. Cups are stacked up pyramid style on the nightstand making it look like a carnival game. Add beer cans in place of water cups and place them all over the house, and it’s exactly what my college dorm room looked like.

Clothes. I’m beginning to think my kids don’t change their clothes; they shed them. Clothes just sort of fall off their bodies. This “shedding” is often in the kitchen, the hallway or on the stairs, but rarely near clothes hampers in bedrooms. And kids and college roommates: Can we all agree to stop shoving socks in the couch cushions?

Food thieves. Have you ever tried to hide a snack from your kids? The Girl Scout cookies we bought this year lasted approximately three days. And we bought six boxes! I remember trying to hide the occasional delicacy when I was back in college. I’d spend $8 of my $20 weekly grocery budget on Oreos, only to come home at night and find my roommate asleep on a pile of chocolate crumbs.

Yes, living with kids is a lot like living with bad college roommates, however there is one advantage of cohabitating with the latter. At least you only had to live with your roommate for a year before you could agree to part ways.

A version of this first appeared on Indy’s Child. Photo: © Antonioguillem / Adobe Stock.

Every parent wants the best for their kids, and as a financial planner that leads to a lot of my clients asking about the best way to start saving for college.

My first piece of advice is always to make sure you’ve built a solid financial foundation for yourself first, including getting your retirement savings on track. It’s the whole “oxygen mask on the plane” philosophy. You have to stabilize yourself before you can truly help your kids.

But if you’ve already done that and you’re able to put some extra money away toward saving for college, what’s the best way to get started?

Three types of accounts stand above the rest when it comes to college savings. Let’s review the pros and cons of each one.

1. Roth IRA

A Roth IRA is technically a retirement account, but it can serve as an excellent college savings account as well.

You’re allowed to contribute up to $6,000 per year, per person, which means that a couple can contribute up to $12,000 per year. There’s no tax deduction for those contributions, but the money grows tax-free and can be withdrawn tax-free once you reach age 59.5. That’s what makes it such a valuable retirement savings account.

Two special rules allow it to be used effectively for college expenses as well:

1. You can always withdraw up to the amount you’ve contributed at any time and for any reason without taxes or penalties.
2. You’ll have to pay taxes on the earnings (any amount over what you’ve contributed) you withdraw from your Roth IRA before age 59.5, but you won’t have to pay the 10% penalty that typically comes with early withdrawals if the money is used for qualified higher education expenses.

The other big benefit of a Roth IRA: flexibility. College expenses are hard to predict and if you don’t end up needing all the money in your Roth IRA for college, you can simply keep it in the account, let it keep growing tax-free, and then use it tax-free down the line for retirement.

That flexibility makes Roth IRAs a great place to start your college savings, especially if you’re not already 100% on track for retirement.

2. 529 savings account

If you’re looking for the premier, dedicated college savings account, the 529 savings account is it. Here’s how this means of saving for college works:

• Contributions are not deductible for federal income tax purposes, though some states allow you to deduct contributions for state income tax purposes. The website FinAid.org lists your state’s rules.
• The money grows tax-free while inside the account.
• Money can be withdrawn tax-free for qualified higher education expenses.
• Up to $10,000 per year can be withdrawn tax-free for eligible K-12 expenses according to federal law, though you need to be careful about your state’s rules around those withdrawals.

Those tax benefits make it the most powerful college savings account, if you’re confident that the money will be used for eligible education expenses. Because the major downside is that if the money is withdrawn for any other purpose, the earnings are both taxed and subject to a 10% penalty.

Each state offers its own 529 savings account and some states offer more than one, but you aren’t required to use your home state’s plan. In some cases using your home state’s plan is the only way to claim a state income tax deduction, but if your state doesn’t have that requirement or doesn’t offer a deduction at all, it’s worth shopping around.

3. Brokerage account

While it doesn’t offer any special tax breaks, a regular old brokerage account gives you maximum flexibility. You can invest in just about anything you want and you can withdraw your money at any time and for any reason, including college, without penalty.

For clients who have a lot of money they want to save specifically for college, I often recommend striking a balance between a 529 savings account and a brokerage account. That way they get some of the tax benefits of the 529 plan while also maintaining some flexibility in case their plans change or they simply don’t end up spending as much as they thought they would on college.

It’s also a good option if you have money that you want to invest but you aren’t sure exactly what you’ll want to use it for. A brokerage account allows that money to grow while remaining accessible for whatever needs come up.

Most important step in saving for college: Getting started

While each of the accounts above has its pros and cons, the reality is that they’re all great options. And when you’re just starting out, the account you choose is far less important than simply saving money somewhere.

But if you’re looking to get the most out of your college savings, the following guidelines will help you make the right choice:

• Use a Roth IRA if you’re either not on track for retirement through other means or you’d like to preserve the option of using the money for retirement.
• Use a 529 savings account if you’re confident the money will be used for education expenses and you want to maximize your tax benefits.
• Use a brokerage account to balance things out if you’re concerned about committing too much money to a 529 savings account, or if you’re saving for more general long-term goals. Though the Roth IRA is likely a better first step in either case.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Matt Becker, CFP,® is a fee-only financial planner and the founder of Mom and Dad Money, where he helps new parents take control of their money so they can take care of their families.

Saving for college photo ©Monster Ztudio / Adobe Stock.

“Thickly Settled.”

That’s the road sign that appeared as my wife and I drove around the Massachusetts town where we had just moved our oldest child into her college dormitory.

I had never seen such a sign, but my first thought was how “thickly settled” my heavy heart had been all weekend. I knew drop-off would be bittersweet, but the crowded mix of contradictory emotions that had taken up residence in me kept shifting through pride, sadness, joy and fear.

Upon second thought, I realized the opposite: my heart was “thickly unsettled.” But I found the metaphor of a family as a settlement oddly comforting. A healthy family is established through years of settling into rituals and habits of love. So it’s natural that when one member leaves such a colony of caring, all aspects are disrupted. The resulting grief, however, reconfirms the settlement’s value.

My third thought after seeing the sign should have been my first: What does “thickly settled” mean legally? I learned later it’s a remnant of New England’s past that means “this is a densely populated area with houses built close together so the unposted speed limit is 30 miles per hour.” Luckily, my reverie with metaphors did not lead to a speeding ticket, which would have been further unsettling.

The toughest part of the drop-off process actually occurred the night before we left home. As I tried to fall asleep, the enormity of the changes about to happen hit me. It’s possible I used some “I’m not crying, you’re crying” humor with my wife to endure it. But I vowed not to reveal too much sadness in front of my daughter. It’s always important to try to be strong for the person experiencing the most transition.

Surprisingly, the move-in was not very emotional, thanks to a variety of healthy distractions. First, a well-organized team of upper-class students helped us carry our items to the dorm room. Second, one of my daughter’s roommates came with a sister who was already in college, which had a calming influence on all of us. Third, the students’ orientation schedule for the weekend was so packed with events that we barely spent much time with our daughter! I suppose the order and structure are meant to combat how most students and parents feel during the changes at hand.

In fact, the actual “goodbye moment” was rather anticlimactic. Due to a scheduling glitch, we had to yank my daughter out of an orientation activity to hug her and then let her go as a construction worker in the quad looked on respectfully. (He cautioned my wife and me to avoid stepping into an open sewer hole as we sniffled away.)

Every new settlement begins with a pioneer

Since the college drop-off experience, a final metaphor related to settling land has helped me put things in perspective: the pioneer. (I apologize for being “thick” with metaphors, but they help me process times when I feel overstimulated as a parent.)

A college freshman is a pioneer whose turn it is to explore new land, meet other seekers, and blaze new trails through the “thinly settled” frontier of her future. My job is to keep the original home fire burning.

After the long drive back to our house, I forced myself to complete a dreaded task: viewing my daughter’s bedroom. It was quiet, semi-empty, and the tidiest it has ever been. Take a moment to cherish your children, but also gaze at their rooms. Believe it or not, you will miss even their messes someday. I try to keep that in mind when I see my 15-year-old daughter’s clothes bursting from their wide-open dresser drawers yet again. That sight used to anger me. Instead, I see those drawers now as colorful flower boxes overflowing with splendor on a dresser-turned-tiny-house. At least until our family routines — and our hearts — settle once again.

Photo: Jonathan Klok on Unsplash