Few phrases my kids say break me down quite like, “Dad, I’m scared.” 

Most times, they say this about trivial things: the dark, their first soccer match, or an impending exam. My response comes easy in these cases. Usually, it’s nothing more than a pat on the head, a quick boost of confidence, and encouragement to keep trucking. 

When situations become more serious – like those my family experienced recently during Hurricanes Helene and Milton in Florida – parents have a massive responsibility.  The expectations for us to protect and serve our families rachets up immediately whether it’s a tornado warning, blizzard, a derecho, or, I suppose, a global pandemic. This is what I call “Disaster Daddin’.”

Disaster Daddin’ combines preparation and recovery. It boils down to one goal: to be the impenetrable force of stability for our loved ones. That does not mean we are not frightened or able to show vulnerability. No, this means that we embrace the family’s attention to get through the predicament together.

From our home in a suburb of Tampa, Fla., this month had me in Disaster Dad Mode far too often for my liking. 

While we were incredibly fortunate compared to others, helping my family get through a natural disaster taught me several important lessons in preparation and crisis parenting. 

1. Hurry causes worry

Every aspect of parenting through a disaster comes down to planning and preparation. A plan should not be hatched as all hell is breaking loose around you. If you have time to prepare, take it seriously. Work on it with your kids. This will not only distract them from the escalated concerns but also will help them when it’s time to execute it. Waiting until the last minute will stress the entire household out – especially the kids. Children are emotional sponges, easily sensing our stress and nervousness. 

Our disaster preparation before Hurricane Milton included my kids helping board windows on the house two days before the forecasted landfall.  At this point, this was more of a project than an emergency. My 12-year-old enjoyed the manual labor. This experience would have been far worse for everyone if done as a last-minute, “We need to do this NOW!”  situation. 

If the disaster does not provide adequate time to prepare, parents must step up. Your kids will pick up on the urgency and feel increased anxiety as a result.  Be aware that making unpredictable, last-minute decisions dials up household stress levels as go time draws nearer. 

2. Reinforce your responsibility to keep everyone safe

Whether you’re facing a hurricane or a blizzard, before the storm starts you should tell each family member this: “I would NEVER intentionally jeopardize your safety. Never.” 

When my family recently evacuated for Milton, I sensed my kids were nervous (if not fully freaking out) as we drove for hours to a spot my wife and I had determined to be safer. I acknowledged their fears while en route by telling them I was frightened, too. It became clear to everyone in the family minivan that we were in this together and that my wife and I would never take them toward anything deemed dangerous. 

3. Embrace spending time together in “old school” style

Disaster Daddin’ provides a great (if limited) way to do things with your children that have disappeared for many families. These include playing board games, coloring/drawing together or just talking. When we initially lost power, there was a 12-hour or so period where my teens were desperate to charge their phones. When it became clear that it might be a while before normalcy (i.e., electricity) would be restored, their priorities changed. 

From our powerless-but-safe hurricane crash pad, we played Uno, Sequence, charades, Pictionary and Scrabble together. Amazingly, even the teens were not constantly clamoring for TikTok or Snapchat (at least for a while). 

Disaster Daddin’ can provide the ultimate “back when I was your age” moment for parents. Assuming you remain safe, do not waste that unplugged time!

4. Celebrate your safety by helping others

For families that are relatively fortunate after a disaster, there is a tendency to return to normal as quickly as possible. My kids wanted to return to soccer practice and hanging with friends right away after Helene and Milton. While returning to our pre-disaster life was a priority, I did not want our kids to forget that some of our neighbors might not have such a luxury. 

As our area rebuilds, I’m encouraging my family to help in a way that suits them. For example, we had our kids reach out to their circle of friends to make sure they had (at least) what we did – food, water, clothes, etc. 

With our kids’ sense of community being mostly online now, the aftermath of a disaster allows us to reframe “us” to mean the people around us, not a YouTuber we connect to half a world away. 

Hearing “I’m scared, Dad” is the worst. I hope you never do. But, if you do (and you likely will), Disaster Daddin’ will help make your family stronger.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano via Pexels.

A teachable moment for children doesn’t always come along on the drive to school. However, emergencies present themselves when you least expect them. It’s how I taught my kids about getting help by calling 911.

It was a good morning. We had plenty of time to get to school. We were about six blocks away and then … I drove by a man, sitting in the street, a hysterical woman by his side.

I looked at the time and pulled over. I turned on my hazards and walked over to the man. He had just been hit by a car, and the woman was the driver. I assessed the situation, asked him several important questions before I called 911.

The man was in good spirits even though I think his arm was broken. The driver, on the other hand, was having a full-on panic attack. She had gone back into her car, and I tried to comfort her while having her teenage daughter, who had been in her car with her, stand guard to make sure the man didn’t fall or get hit by another car.

Soon a fire engine arrived and I told the crew that it should send someone to look at the driver since she was in pretty bad shape. I wished the man good luck and headed off to school.

I told my kids what I did, and that the man was OK and safe now. The underlying lesson was this: If someone needs your help and you can provide that help, you should.

And then I explained to them what 911 is and how it works.

And we still got to school before the doors closed.

When should your child call 911?

Teach your child to call 911 when police, fire and/or medical personnel are needed quickly because of an emergency or immediate danger or threat. Remember that it is always “9-1-1” not “9-11” so younger children unfamiliar with making calls don’t look for an 11 button.

Your child should call 911 in case of emergencies, such as:

• a fire that’s out of control
• a crime, such as a break-in, mugging or shooting
• a serious car accident
• someone is seriously hurt, bleeding or unconscious
• someone choking or having trouble breathing

Reassure your children that the 911 operator and emergency personnel he or she sends are the “good guys.” They are trained to ask important questions and gather information as well as calm, reassure and instruct the caller. Children should try to be cool, clear and concise as possible when talking to them.

Questions 911 will often ask in emergencies

• What is your emergency?
• Where are you calling from (town, county, address, cross streets)?
• Is the victim male or female?
• What is the victim’s age?
• Is the victim breathing?
• Is there any bleeding?
• Is the person responsive (awake/alert) or unconscious?
• What is your phone number? (Needed so 911 can call back if you get disconnected.)

Photo by Ash H via Pexels.

Editor’s Note: June 12 marks the anniversary of the 2016 mass shooting at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando. Forty-nine people died and 53 were wounded when a lone gunman attacked patrons of the gay nightclub. It was the deadliest mass shooting in U.S. history at the time (it’s since been eclipsed). This article originally ran just two days later.

I woke up Sunday morning blissfully unaware. It was a rare opportunity to sleep in, not having to get up and hustle into action. When I did roust myself, I leaned over, kissed my husband good morning, and shuffled into the kitchen to pour my morning cup of coffee. And, of course, I checked my phone.

The first thing I saw: a text from a good friend of mine.

“When I saw the news this morning, I immediately thought of you and Chris, and wanted to express my sadness and outrage that even in the most powerful country in the world, we are so flawed, so full of hatred and fear,” it said.

She went on to let me know that she loves me and my family, and was thinking of us.

I didn’t know what prompted her message.

A quick web search revealed facts about the mass shooting at Pulse, a gay nightclub in Orlando. Forty-nine people gunned down on a Saturday night. During Gay Pride Month.

And, once again, I had to decide how to discuss evil with my daughter.

Nightclub shooting our latest tough conversation

It’s not the first time. She’s almost 15. Like so many other parents, I’ve been having conversations with her since she was a toddler, with horrifying regularity. Sandy Hook. Virginia Tech. San Bernardino.

When she was little, I consulted books about how to talk about death and violence with children. Do you avoid the topic, and shield them from it altogether? Should you mask real-life tragedies in analogies or fables? Or, should you stay honest, but use gentle language that minimizes the brutality?

Now that she’s a teenager, we talk about this stuff with more directness and clarity. Real-life violence has yet to touch her life directly, which is a blessing. So we did talk about the Pulse nightclub shooting, and I decided to go with accuracy and less emotion (which is always difficult for me, as someone whose emotions tend to be the boss in my head): Who the shooter was, what he did, what was known/not known about him at the time.

We had our talk, and it was briefer than conversations in the past. She hadn’t seen the news yet so I just filled her in on the latest Horrible Thing that had happened, and that was that.

Her reaction was difficult to read. Whether that’s because we were used to these talks by now, or because she’s at the stage where she’d rather process stuff on her own, it’s hard to say. I did realize, though, that this tragedy in Orlando felt different from other mass shootings for me, and possibly for her as well. Why?

Because the Orlando shooting was the deadliest in American history.

A horrifying loss of human life.

Fueled, in part, by a hatred of gay people.

And, because, I am gay.

How can she not worry?

I have been out for five years, and this is the first time such a violent act has ripped into this community I proudly call my own.

My daughter tends to be a worrier. She’s gotten a handle on it over the years, but she has the double whammy of having a very active imagination and a short anxiety fuse. So when my husband and I go out at night and she stays home, she still gets a bit nervous if I don’t text her to check in at least once. (Total role reversal. In another year or so, I’ll be the one asking her to check in.)

It’s not my teenage daughter’s job to worry about me. It’s supposed to be the other way around. That’s the way the universe is supposed to work.

And while our evenings out are usually pretty benign, my girl knows that every once in a while, we do love to go out dancing. Dancing is deeply important to us. It’s how we find our feelings, connect with the world, and thank the universe for everything that we have. We plan to keep on going out and dancing until we’re in wheelchairs. And hopefully, by then, science will have developed the technology to make robot legs and neural Groove implants so we can not only keep dancing but look even cooler than the young whippersnappers around us.

My daughter, the worrier, sees the news from Orlando about the Pulse nightclub shooting as such: people in a gay club — people there because they love their community, love each other and love dancing — being heartlessly killed. The gears in my girl’s brain turn, and she makes the connection.

Someday her dad and stepdad could be in a club, dancing happily, and be killed by someone evil, simply for being.

I know her. That’s how her brain works.

Evil will not triumph on the dancefloor

It’s not my teenage daughter’s job to worry about me. It’s supposed to be the other way around. That’s the way the universe is supposed to work.

But can I tell my daughter her worry is unfounded?

No.

Because the scary truth of it is, it’s sheer luck that I was never in a club at the same time as a monster with an AK-47. This was the killing of my people, in my house. There is no way to pretend otherwise.

So how do I talk about that with my daughter?

In this strange new world where some members of our nation are zealously clinging to their right to own guns, where any attempt at greater gun safety and regulation is met with an outcry of “You can’t take my guns away from me!”, where someone on an FBI watch list can still own a gun and carry it into a place of safety and sanctuary and act out his dream of being a vengeful god, where being gay can still result in persecution, shame and outright fear …

I don’t know what to say to my daughter about that. She’s afraid for me, and I can’t tell her that fear is unfounded.

All I can tell her is this:

Yes, there is a lot of hatred in the world.

That hatred tends to come from fear and ignorance of those we don’t understand.

That hatred can sometimes result in evil, violent action.

But there are far more people who believe in the value of love, and human life, than not. Evil doesn’t rule. It just gets more press.

Oh, and one other thing:

There’s no way in hell that evil is going to keep me from dancing. Ever.

Pulse nightclub mass shooting photo: ©  Alex / Adobe Stock.

Clad in a hot pink swim cap and matching goggles, my daughter waded into Lane Six of the pool. She grabbed a barbell-shaped floaty and pushed off. With assistance from an instructor, she attempted to flutter kick with her body extended like a mermaid.

Her legs flailed about, splashing water all over her instructor’s face. She weaved in and out of the lane like a drunk driver in traffic. This first swim lesson was a far cry from The Little Mermaid and more like The Little Engine That Could. Nevertheless, I cheered as if she were my own little Ariel.

Welcome to Swim Girl Summer. That’s been the seasonal moniker around our household ever since my daughter started swim lessons a month ago.

For months she’s hinted in a not-so-subtle way at her desire to conquer the water. Every time Wheel of Fortune flashed a vacation prize package with a brochure-worthy image of a resort with a pool on our TV, my daughter would ask, “Can we go to the beach and the pool, pleazzzze?” To which my wife would say, “Yes, but you need to learn how to swim first.”

Of course, that’s the response she was hoping for. We played right into her hands.

And we didn’t mind.

Drowning statistics spur swim lessons

Swim lessons are something we’ve wanted for her. It would give her another tool to help her navigate life. Giving our daughter, who is Black and autistic, the lifelong gift of swimming was not only a recreational nicety but also, to us, a matter of life and death.

Drowning is the leading cause of accidental death for autistic children of all ages. They face a higher risk of drowning due to a tendency to wander off, according to data from the National Library of Medicine. And when it comes to race, a study commissioned by the USA Swimming Foundation found more startling facts. Nearly 64 percent of Black children, 45 percent of Hispanic children and 40 percent of white children have no or low swimming ability, it found, putting them all at risk for drowning.

Our daughter first took swim lessons as a toddler at the local YMCA and learned water safety in between, but that seemed like eons ago compared to the sprouting 8-year-old she is now. With each new aquatic milestone, my daughter is swimming against the tide of those sobering statistics.

Sometimes you motor, sometimes you float

During her weekly swim lessons, my wife and I sit with other parents in a viewing area behind a large, glass-paneled wall looking out onto the pool. It’s like peering into a giant fishbowl full of kids — all ages, sizes and abilities — as they splish and splash in the shadow of a colorful mural that reads, “The Big Blue World.”

My daughter is always in Lane Six. From my vantage point, I’ve seen her confidence build as she taps her inner Michael Phelps. Sometimes she swims ahead of the other kids in her lane; other times, she stays behind. Sometimes she extends her arms in front of her; other times, they’re bent from fatigue. Her leg kicks are so powerful on occasion that she resembles a motorboat amid the shimmer and bubbles; then there are occasions when a leisurely cruise is just her speed. No matter what, she’s constantly moving forward.

It’s a bit surreal to watch my daughter both succeed and struggle from behind the glass. She can’t hear us, but we speak to her as if she can. (Good job, sweetie. Come on, push through. You got this.) She can see us, but doesn’t pay attention to us; she’s usually laser-focused on the instructor. But I know she feels us with her. She occasionally looks up from the pool with her big toothy grin and waves until we wave back.

There are moments in this Big Blue World when the father in me wants to rush to the other side and coach her. However, I know it’s best for my daughter to figure things out for herself. I won’t always be there.

Perhaps that’s my own lesson this Swim Girl Summer. As my daughter grows older, parenting will often feel like a never-ending toggle between knowing when to dive in and when to stay ashore. I just hope I’m preparing her enough to swim in the world beyond the pool.

All photos by Johnathon Briggs.

It’s funny. We always complain about not having enough time to rest and relax yet, when we get a day off, we feel like we have to do something.

That was me on the Fourth of July. I usually would be more than happy to just hang around the house and do nothing. However, since I’d been traveling the previous two weekends, I felt I owed it to the kids to make this holiday extra special.

As special as can be for a 3-year-old and 6-month-old.

I thought a trip to the zoo would be a fun, family outing. So after I convinced my wife, I let my son know about the plans for our “adventure.” As excited as he was to go see the animals, I was just as excited to have this experience with them.

This was the first type of outing like this for us as a family of four. And while I tried to make sure I planned accordingly, what I didn’t factor in was the logistics of transporting two kids through the streets of Washington, D.C., and ultimately through the zoo. In 90-degree heat, I might add. Only packing one stroller was a major dad fail. Thankfully, the Smithsonian’s National Zoo provided extra strollers, cooling stations and plenty of food options.

As with any trip, the reaction from the kids, particularly my 3-year-old boy, was hit-and-miss. He loved some of the animals, was scared of the others and, in between, was pretty much indifferent. The highlights of the day, for my son at least, were the frogs and riding in the cool, blue rental stroller. Our baby girl just napped or watched people.

Father put on alert for family’s safety

About midway through our adventure, I received a text alert about the shooting in Highland Park, Illinois. Seven killed, dozens injured, by a lone shooter taking aim at people lined up to watch a Fourth of July parade.

These types of alerts have, unfortunately, become pretty common, almost to a point of being expected. But this one hit a little differently. With it being a holiday, I’m sure the folks up there were just trying to get out of the house and enjoy a fun-filled day with their families. Just like we were at the zoo.

And that’s why it was different.

In the middle of trying to enjoy a family outing, my mind shifted into a defensive mode. I scanned my surroundings. I wondered what would happen if a shooting took place in this open area filled with hundreds of people.

How would I protect my family? Would we be able to take cover? How would I explain to the kids what had taken place?

That’s where we are now. It’s our reality, not based on any political leanings, just factual data. It’s yet another thing we have to worry about as parents. This is the world our children are growing up in.

Fortunately, my kids are at the age where they’re oblivious to the evils of the world. We have a few more years until we won’t be able to keep them in their little bubbles any longer. And then, I’ll have to be prepared to talk, to have some tough conversations.

For now, I have to deal with my own emotions. The concerns I have as a dad. Concerns about the world my kids will grow up in and how I can protect them for as long as possible. It’s a never-ending worry, and one that’s magnified whenever ever those breaking news alerts pop up on my phone. I hope I will never have to experience a tragedy of that magnitude. And, hopefully, the day will come when we can go out with our families and not have to worry whether we’ll make it home safely.

Photo: ©vchalup / Adobe Stock.

The news seems to be filled with tragic stories about one natural disaster after another these days. So are you prepared with an emergency family “go bag”?

A go bag goes by many names. It can be a “ready bag,” “bug out bag,” “disaster survival kit,” or an “emergency preparedness kit.” Whatever the name, every family should have one even if you don’t live in an area prone to wildfires, tornados or floods. When an emergency strikes, you do not want to be scrambling to gather essentials. You want them at the ready to keep you and your children safe and healthy if you need to make a quick get away from home for a few days.

What should be in your family go bag? First, it doesn’t have to be a bag though those are handy. Bins and boxes are also good. Second, it doesn’t all have a single bag, box or bin. Smaller containers that each family member can grab and go will work.

Now, let’s see what the experts in disaster preparedness recommend to pack.

Essentials for every family go bag

The Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, and American Red Cross each have recommendations for a basic emergency survival kit. Here’s the essentials for several days worth of bug out supplies:

• Water. Obviously, not easy to carry at the recommended amounts of one gallon of water per person per day. Keep some cases of bottled water or gallon jugs handy to toss in your car. Pack a resealable, reusable bottle for each family member, too.
• Non-perishable food. Packed cans? Don’t forget a manual can opener. Protein or granola bars, though, are more portable.
• Battery-powered or hand crank radio. Preferably get one with NOAA Weather Radio channels and an alert for severe weather bulletins. My own experience, living in hurricane zones all my life, is that battery powered radios tend to be more powerful and reliable as long as you pack …
• Extra batteries
• Flashlights
• Basic first aid kit. Various sized adhesive bandages, gauze, medical tape, antibacterial ointment, hydrocortisone are essential. Add an antihistamine (like Benadryl), ibuprofen and acetaminophen.
• Chargers and backup battery bank for cell phones
• Masks. These were initially recommended to help filter air contaminated from smoke or dust. Of course, COVID-19 has changed that some. Keep some N95 or KN95 masks handy as those can serve a dual purpose.
• Moist towelettes, soap, hand sanitizer
• Toiletries.
• Garbage bags and plastic ties (for sanitation)
• An all-purpose multitool. Get one with various knife blades, screwdriver heads, pliers, etc. I always keep one in my car’s glove compartment. It comes in handy in a pinch if not a crisis.
• Duct tape and super glue. Because, as every dad knows, if these can’t fix it …
• Local maps. Your phone’s mapping apps are useless if cell service is down.
• Cash. Power goes down, so do credit card machines.

Some other things to consider, depending on your location and time of year:

• insect repellant
• sunscreen
• blankets
• rain ponchos
• matches/lighter

Of course, a change of clothes and footwear for each person is also helpful.

Don’t forget personalization, pets

So much for the general items for every emergency go bag. Now let’s pay attention to the specific needs of your family members.

FEMA and the American Red Cross recommend a family go bag also contain:

• Personal medications and medical items. If you have a family member with a medical condition or need, such as insulin and syringes for a diabetic, extra batteries for hearing aids, reading glasses, etc.
• Baby supplies. Bottles, formula, baby food, diapers, wipes, pacifiers and a baby carrier are all vital.
• Pet supplies. Collar, leash, ID, food, carrier, bowl, meds, etc.
• Copies of personal documents. In a waterproof container, place medication lists and pertinent medical information, proof of home address, deed/lease to home, passports, birth certificates, insurance policies and so on. If paper copies are too bulky, put the documents on a USB thumb drive.
• Family emergency contact info. Keep a paper copy in a waterproof bag or container for handy reference.
• Extra set of car keys and house keys
• Games and activities for children. Keep in a separate bags the kids can carry on their own. For younger children, a stuffed animal or other security blanket item is a nice touch.

Ready? Grab you bag and go when told

A family go bag is only good if you take it with you in an emergency. Keep it in a handy location. Make sure all your family members are aware of where it is. And when authorities tell you to evacuate or leave, heed their call.

Photo: © SpeedShutter / Adobe Stock.

I sit in front of my laptop at my kitchen table most weekdays now, writing radio advertisements while my 6-year-old sits beside me on another laptop learning math in Spanish.

Like many things in 2020, that sentence would’ve made very little sense to me a year ago. Yet here we are.

My son sits in his chair, knees pulled up to his chest, watching the screen. His teacher talks about prisma rectangulares and triangulos. I don’t understand much more than the names of shapes, numbers and colors, and I don’t think my son really does either. But it’s the beginning of his second year in a dual-language immersion program, so hopefully he’ll eventually figure it out. As he sits and wiggles and bounces, he sometimes leans over and clutches my arm or rests his head against me.

Our youngest was slated to start preschool this August. This time last year I thought my house would be incredibly empty come the fall of 2020. How wrong I was. It turns out the house has never been fuller.

Not only am I here all the time — that’s nothing new — all the children are here, too. All day, every day. And so is a growing legion of computers and other devices, worksheets, crayons, pencils, textbooks, glue sticks and occasionally a lizard that just stops by to get in on the house party.

In the few moments during the school day that I’m not providing technical or emotional support, I churn out advertising copy for a content mill I’ve started working for nearly full-time. It’s weird work, but it suits me. There is zero interpersonal interaction. I write quickly so I can crank out large amounts of content and earn decent money. I feel fortunate to have the work when so many others are struggling to stay afloat.

However, this year has certainly seen an unusual confluence of events. I started taking on more work because I anticipated having all the kids in some type of school. Then the pandemic came and crushed all those plans.

Safe at home — now and …

So, now I’m working almost full-time, parenting more than full-time, and leaving the house maybe two or three times a week at the most. All around me, I see other people’s lives going on while I’m in the Groundhog Day movie.

I understand most people want to “get back to normal,” but I’m becoming less and less certain there is any type of normal to get back to. The pandemic has laid bare divisions in our communities I didn’t even know existed. As coronavirus case numbers and deaths piled up here in Florida in July and August, I saw acquaintances and even friends pretending it was over. While many people attempted to cling to normalcy, I completely tossed it aside.

At some point in time that I can’t specifically identify, I stopped venturing out not only because it wasn’t safe, but because I just didn’t want to anymore. I know I’ll have to emerge from my bunker eventually — if not for my sake then at least for my kids — but it won’t be easy.

For example, I went inside a store for the first time in nearly six months a few weeks ago and promptly spilled the entire contents of my wallet on the floor at the checkout. In that moment of raw panic while I shuffled my plastic cards around on the linoleum floor as the cashier judged me with his eyes — luckily the incredulous laugh that was no doubt there was hidden by his mask — I determined that I needed to retreat to my house, throw away all the junk in my wallet, and practice doing routine activities for a few more months or years before venturing out and trying to get “back to normal.”

But it’s not just that I’m socially rusty. Many times, I wonder what really is out there to go back to? What could possibly be worth the risk right now and for the foreseeable future?

It turns out I’m getting pretty comfortable in my very uncomfortable kitchen chair, typing away on my computer, right in the middle of everything that really matters to me. It feels familiar. It feels safe. I never have to search for somewhere that feels like home if I never leave my actual home in the first place. If I’m not careful, I could get a little too used to the safety of this new normal my family has created.

Photo: © ajr_images / Adobe Stock.

We live in a world where everyone voluntarily carries a powerful location tracking device with us everywhere we go — a cell phone. Most of us wouldn’t dream of giving it up. We love that “getting lost” has become a thing of the past. We enjoy being able to tag our location in travel photos with a single tap. We’ve gotten used to the luxury of taking an Uber any time of the day or night.

There’s no doubt being able to track your child’s whereabouts has incredible benefits. But in the realm of parenting, it can also create tension, resentment, depression, and some downright nasty arguments. Teenagers can feel controlled, spied on and manipulated when parents use cell phone GPS to check in.

Here are four typical mistakes parents can make when deciding to use location tracking via cell phone on their teens.

1. Secretly Tracking Your Teen’s Location

The first big mistake parents can make is starting to track their teen’s location without talking with their child ahead of time. I get it. Like the sex talk, this also isn’t an easy conversation. You pay for the phone so you feel entitled to use it however you want. There’s a strong urge to check in clandestinely and see whether your teen is being truthful about their whereabouts. But tracking your teen’s location without telling them is a recipe for disaster.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

There are two big reasons why this isn’t a good idea. First, it’s not going to stay a secret for long. Trust me, the cat will get out of the bag sooner than you think. Studies show that over 96% of teens lie to their parents about where they are and who they are with. Most of the time it’s nothing to worry about; they just want privacy and don’t feel like explaining every detail of their schedule. You’re opening Pandora’s Box if you start tracking them without their knowledge.

Second, it’s a serious violation of trust. It will damage your relationship with your teen. Research indicates that parent-teen conflict increases significantly when teens feel their privacy has been invaded. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t want your spouse doing it to you, don’t do it to your teenager.

What To Do Instead

Try saying something like, “This is not about spying on you. It’s about keeping you safe. I’m activating location tracking but I’m only going to use it if I’m worried about you or need to find you in an emergency.”

Let them know the boundaries and expectations for the tracking software so they don’t feel like you’re constantly looking over their shoulder. Your teen will be more open to the idea if you explain how it’s useful for your job as a parent. Use this opportunity to initiate an open dialogue and decide on something that seems fair to both of you. Be transparent and let them know every time you use it.

2. Checking Obsessively Where Your Child Is

You don’t want to be that parent who is constantly checking his phone, wondering, “Is my kid in danger?” It’s nerve-wracking and unhealthy. Once you start tracking your teen, it can easily turn into another obsessive habit to add to checking your email inbox, text messages and social media notifications. Don’t let that happen.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

The more your monitor your teen‘s location, the fewer opportunities your teen will have to make their own decisions for their own reasons. Remember, your teen is transitioning to being an independent adult. It is good for both of you to allow your teen to experiment with their independence — even if this means your teen isn’t always 100% honest with you.

What To Do Instead

It’s a good idea to set up clear rules in advance with your teen about when it is appropriate to monitor their location and when it isn’t. For instance, you could say something like, “If you come home safely before your curfew and communicate with me ahead of time about your whereabouts, I will NEVER track your location.” Then you could explain that you reserve the right to check in on them if they are out past their curfew or if they don’t respond to your calls or texts in more than 60 minutes.

3. Using Cell Phone Tracking Over Communication

If you don’t know where your teenager is, it’s always better to ask first instead of immediately checking their location. When teens know they are going to be tracked no matter what they do, they could get in the habit of going out without permission. You might both start to treat the app like some sort of safety net that overrides the need to communicate.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

This can be dangerous. Teens quickly learn how to game the system. For instance, they’ll start planting their cell phones at home or at school, knowing you won’t ask questions if you see they are in a “safe” place. Your teen can take advantage of you and easily work around the technology if that’s your only line of communication. Problematic teens may avoid the process of asking for permission, preferring to ask for forgiveness or deal with the consequences later. Don’t let location tracking inadvertently promote this pattern

What To Do Instead

Try giving your teen some control over whether they get tracked. Let them know that by practicing good communication and coming home when they say they will that they avoid getting spied on. Enforce this rule a few times and, almost as if by magic, your teen will become exceptionally punctual and will turn into an impeccable communicator.

4. Tracking Their Location Indefinitely

If you start to rely on location tracking of your kids’ cell phones as a crutch, it’s hard to know when to stop. This can lead to a situation where teens leave for college and parents continue to check in on what they are doing every few hours. That’s not healthy for either of you.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

Your job as a parent is to get your teen ready for the adult world. When they leave home at 18, they should be completely independent and prepared for college, a gap year, or the job market. Studies show that “helicopter parenting” is detrimental to your teen’s development. Also, it’s stressful for you. Let go!

What To Do Instead

Consider cell phone location tracking of your kids as training wheels. When you tell your teen that you are going to be setting up parental controls on their phone, be sure to outline exactly how long you intend to use the location tracking feature. Explain to your teenager what criteria you want them to meet before it’s safe for them to roam free of location services. They will be much more receptive to taking responsibility if you can outline concrete steps to growing more independent.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Girls on cell phone photo: ©Farknot Architect / Adobe Stock.

Broadly speaking, it’s good we teach kids a few basics of safety. Not every parent is equipped to responsibly handle potentially dangerous situations. So we create very general guidelines that apply to most. That’s cool.

And kids should be learning about things like unwanted touches from others. Though there was a discussion at the preschool drop-off about getting everybody onboard with using the same body part names as used in the school lessons. But we all handle these things a little differently.

However, when the school sent home the “Never-Never Rules” that they’ll be studying soon I cringed a bit. Here they are:

• Never ride on wheels without wearing a helmet.
• Never cross the street without checking all ways for traffic.
• Never play with fire.
• Never touch a dog without asking the person in charge.
• Never use a sharp tool without an older person’s help.
• Never touch guns.
• Never ride in a car without wearing a seat belt.
• Never go in water without an older person watching.

As I cycling advocate, I object to the first item on this list of rules being “wear a helmet.” Really?! You’re going to put something as innocent and mundane as bicycle riding on the same list as “never touch guns?” OK. Fine. As a person hoping to eventually improve our bike culture to the point where we no longer need helmets (a la the Dutch), I get the need to balance the immediate risks with sending a larger advocacy message that biking should be fun and so safe that no helmet is necessary.

I could make the same argument for a number of items on this list though. Parents teaching their kids to use tools responsibly. Outdoor education that involves learning to properly start and put out a campfire. The exceptions are obvious. Yes, there are even some folks out there teaching their young kids to responsibly handle a gun.

For most families, we’d probably rather have the Never-Never Rules drilled into our children’s heads and give them with the freedom to “unlearn” them than allow unsuspecting kids to stumble into injury or death. But I can’t help but look at the Never-Never List and wonder when childhood got so … milquetoast.

Would I let my kids ride in a car without a seat belt? No. I won’t even let my kids cross the street by themselves because we live in an urban area. However, I’m not sure that riding around on the sidewalk in front of our house on a scooter belongs on a list of otherwise potentially deadly actions.

A version of this first appeared on Newfangled Dad. Photo by Whit Honea.

Slow down, New York City drivers! The new public school year starts Thursday and the city’s speed camera program is at full, expanded capability to try to improve street safety.

The school zone speed camera program in NYC, on the brink of extinction a year ago, has been increased almost 10-fold since 2018. It now includes more than 2,000 cameras in 750 locations, up from 140 last summer, within a quarter mile of a school building entrance or exit. According to The New York Times, this gives New York City the largest urban network of automated speed cameras in the United States.

The cameras will be operating between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. on weekdays, a much longer time than in the past when they only worked during school hours. Drivers exceeding the speed limit during operation will be mailed a ticket for $50 fine.

NYC school zone speed cameras were turned back on for the start of the 2018-19 academic year after the state Senate initially failed to renew a law to keep them operational months earlier, a move that shocked parents, school officials and lawmakers alike.

Since being put in place in 2014, speed cameras have helped slow down traffic on streets around schools and made them safer, according to a report from the New York City’s Department of Transportation. The collected data shows a 55 percent decline in all fatalities in New York City school zones fitted with speed cameras and a 63 percent decrease in overall speeding in these areas there when schools are is in session.

“Injury crashes have dropped over 14 percent after the camera is activated, during all hours of the day, despite the fact that the cameras are deactivated during most of the year,” the DOT report also noted.

A New York City DOT found that more than 132,000 drivers violated the posted speed limit in the first two weeks after the speed camera legislation expired in 2018, and that number has likely only grown since.