Few phrases my kids say break me down quite like, “Dad, I’m scared.” 

Most times, they say this about trivial things: the dark, their first soccer match, or an impending exam. My response comes easy in these cases. Usually, it’s nothing more than a pat on the head, a quick boost of confidence, and encouragement to keep trucking. 

When situations become more serious – like those my family experienced recently during Hurricanes Helene and Milton in Florida – parents have a massive responsibility.  The expectations for us to protect and serve our families rachets up immediately whether it’s a tornado warning, blizzard, a derecho, or, I suppose, a global pandemic. This is what I call “Disaster Daddin’.”

Disaster Daddin’ combines preparation and recovery. It boils down to one goal: to be the impenetrable force of stability for our loved ones. That does not mean we are not frightened or able to show vulnerability. No, this means that we embrace the family’s attention to get through the predicament together.

From our home in a suburb of Tampa, Fla., this month had me in Disaster Dad Mode far too often for my liking. 

While we were incredibly fortunate compared to others, helping my family get through a natural disaster taught me several important lessons in preparation and crisis parenting. 

1. Hurry causes worry

Every aspect of parenting through a disaster comes down to planning and preparation. A plan should not be hatched as all hell is breaking loose around you. If you have time to prepare, take it seriously. Work on it with your kids. This will not only distract them from the escalated concerns but also will help them when it’s time to execute it. Waiting until the last minute will stress the entire household out – especially the kids. Children are emotional sponges, easily sensing our stress and nervousness. 

Our disaster preparation before Hurricane Milton included my kids helping board windows on the house two days before the forecasted landfall.  At this point, this was more of a project than an emergency. My 12-year-old enjoyed the manual labor. This experience would have been far worse for everyone if done as a last-minute, “We need to do this NOW!”  situation. 

If the disaster does not provide adequate time to prepare, parents must step up. Your kids will pick up on the urgency and feel increased anxiety as a result.  Be aware that making unpredictable, last-minute decisions dials up household stress levels as go time draws nearer. 

2. Reinforce your responsibility to keep everyone safe

Whether you’re facing a hurricane or a blizzard, before the storm starts you should tell each family member this: “I would NEVER intentionally jeopardize your safety. Never.” 

When my family recently evacuated for Milton, I sensed my kids were nervous (if not fully freaking out) as we drove for hours to a spot my wife and I had determined to be safer. I acknowledged their fears while en route by telling them I was frightened, too. It became clear to everyone in the family minivan that we were in this together and that my wife and I would never take them toward anything deemed dangerous. 

3. Embrace spending time together in “old school” style

Disaster Daddin’ provides a great (if limited) way to do things with your children that have disappeared for many families. These include playing board games, coloring/drawing together or just talking. When we initially lost power, there was a 12-hour or so period where my teens were desperate to charge their phones. When it became clear that it might be a while before normalcy (i.e., electricity) would be restored, their priorities changed. 

From our powerless-but-safe hurricane crash pad, we played Uno, Sequence, charades, Pictionary and Scrabble together. Amazingly, even the teens were not constantly clamoring for TikTok or Snapchat (at least for a while). 

Disaster Daddin’ can provide the ultimate “back when I was your age” moment for parents. Assuming you remain safe, do not waste that unplugged time!

4. Celebrate your safety by helping others

For families that are relatively fortunate after a disaster, there is a tendency to return to normal as quickly as possible. My kids wanted to return to soccer practice and hanging with friends right away after Helene and Milton. While returning to our pre-disaster life was a priority, I did not want our kids to forget that some of our neighbors might not have such a luxury. 

As our area rebuilds, I’m encouraging my family to help in a way that suits them. For example, we had our kids reach out to their circle of friends to make sure they had (at least) what we did – food, water, clothes, etc. 

With our kids’ sense of community being mostly online now, the aftermath of a disaster allows us to reframe “us” to mean the people around us, not a YouTuber we connect to half a world away. 

Hearing “I’m scared, Dad” is the worst. I hope you never do. But, if you do (and you likely will), Disaster Daddin’ will help make your family stronger.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano via Pexels.

I recently turned 44. Getting older makes me nostalgic. It gets me thinking about my younger days when I had less of need for ibuprofen just from sleeping in the wrong position. But this year, as wonderful as my birthday was, I found myself thinking about a dad other than myself.

A dad named James Lopez.

I did not know James very well before we roomed together at the October 2021 HomeDadCon conference for at-home fathers. I knew of him from other fatherhood conferences we both attended. He was the guy who always wore a “#FatherhoodisLit” T-shirt and hat (and I mean always). He was usually surrounded by people laughing and joking around with him. But just as often as I saw the smiles, those same people would be listening intently as he spoke. Most likely, he was dropping gems regarding fatherhood.

When I was asked to speak at HomeDadCon about book publishing, I was totally surprised that they wanted me to room with James, who is also a co-organizer for the NYC Dads Group. I assumed someone of his level had his own suite, to be honest. However, after spending just a few minutes with him, all the superstar status I had applied to him faded away. I immediately knew what he was all about: being a great dad.

As important as his brand is to him, he wasn’t about selling a million T-shirts or getting lucrative endorsement deals. A father of three boys, James, I learned, was about creating awareness of the greatness of being a dad. He liked to shine a light on other dads he thought were doing a great job showcasing the awesomeness of fatherhood. He didn’t care whether you had 2 million followers or just two. If he thought you were great dad, he wanted everyone he knows to know it, too. For example, he once appeared in PBS television spot. Without even asking me, he chose my book to be the one he was reading to his son on camera. That is the kind of guy he is. 

One of the things James frequently talks about is “presence over presents.” We get too caught up in spending money for our kids to have the latest toy or video game, he believes. Instead, we should focus on spending time with them. I thought of this over Father’s Day weekend while attending my cousin’s wedding.

The best man’s speech quoted a rap lyric about how false the idea of “time is money” really is. You can make more money, yes, but you cannot make more time. The next morning, Father’s Day, about 10 of us went out for breakfast. We celebrated the wonderful wedding we had attended, the fathers in attendance at the meal, the amazing bacon we were eating; but most importantly, we celebrated being able to spend time with each other. The 8-hour roundtrip drive to North Carolina for me, with increasing gas prices added to everything else spent on the weekend, was worth the money because of the time I got to spend with relatives I don’t see as often as I should. I earn that money back, but I can’t get back time missed.

I say all this because James has had some setbacks recently. In April, he underwent successful brain surgery for a non-cancerous growth. He mostly kept it secret because he didn’t want sympathy. James was seemingly on the road to recovery, but then later that month he re-injured himself. He is back in the hospital, in a coma. His family set up GoFundMe to help with this new round of expenses.

+ Donate to help James Lopez’s family +

As I I saw the update on his health, I started to think about the great time we had at HomeDadCon. We talked about everything from basketball to sneakers to fatherhood to Wu-Tang. That time with him was more valuable than the cost of the Uber to and from the airport. Or the plane ticket. Or all the other expenses that came with that conference. 

We can’t make up for lost time. It won’t ever come back. But, but we can try to make sure the time we have is filled. We can fill it with memories and laughs and moments that make us forget about monetary cost. Even if the time we get to share is only a few minutes, it can help us understand the value family and friends truly bring to our lives. That is presence over presents.

Whether you are a dad who is doing great, doing poorly or just kind of going thru the motions, remember #FatherhoodisLit and “presence over presents.” There is no time better than right now to try to be the best dad you can be. 

Silhouette photo: ©Ivan Karpov / Adobe Stock.

The news seems to be filled with tragic stories about one natural disaster after another these days. So are you prepared with an emergency family “go bag”?

A go bag goes by many names. It can be a “ready bag,” “bug out bag,” “disaster survival kit,” or an “emergency preparedness kit.” Whatever the name, every family should have one even if you don’t live in an area prone to wildfires, tornados or floods. When an emergency strikes, you do not want to be scrambling to gather essentials. You want them at the ready to keep you and your children safe and healthy if you need to make a quick get away from home for a few days.

What should be in your family go bag? First, it doesn’t have to be a bag though those are handy. Bins and boxes are also good. Second, it doesn’t all have a single bag, box or bin. Smaller containers that each family member can grab and go will work.

Now, let’s see what the experts in disaster preparedness recommend to pack.

Essentials for every family go bag

The Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, and American Red Cross each have recommendations for a basic emergency survival kit. Here’s the essentials for several days worth of bug out supplies:

• Water. Obviously, not easy to carry at the recommended amounts of one gallon of water per person per day. Keep some cases of bottled water or gallon jugs handy to toss in your car. Pack a resealable, reusable bottle for each family member, too.
• Non-perishable food. Packed cans? Don’t forget a manual can opener. Protein or granola bars, though, are more portable.
• Battery-powered or hand crank radio. Preferably get one with NOAA Weather Radio channels and an alert for severe weather bulletins. My own experience, living in hurricane zones all my life, is that battery powered radios tend to be more powerful and reliable as long as you pack …
• Extra batteries
• Flashlights
• Basic first aid kit. Various sized adhesive bandages, gauze, medical tape, antibacterial ointment, hydrocortisone are essential. Add an antihistamine (like Benadryl), ibuprofen and acetaminophen.
• Chargers and backup battery bank for cell phones
• Masks. These were initially recommended to help filter air contaminated from smoke or dust. Of course, COVID-19 has changed that some. Keep some N95 or KN95 masks handy as those can serve a dual purpose.
• Moist towelettes, soap, hand sanitizer
• Toiletries.
• Garbage bags and plastic ties (for sanitation)
• An all-purpose multitool. Get one with various knife blades, screwdriver heads, pliers, etc. I always keep one in my car’s glove compartment. It comes in handy in a pinch if not a crisis.
• Duct tape and super glue. Because, as every dad knows, if these can’t fix it …
• Local maps. Your phone’s mapping apps are useless if cell service is down.
• Cash. Power goes down, so do credit card machines.

Some other things to consider, depending on your location and time of year:

• insect repellant
• sunscreen
• blankets
• rain ponchos
• matches/lighter

Of course, a change of clothes and footwear for each person is also helpful.

Don’t forget personalization, pets

So much for the general items for every emergency go bag. Now let’s pay attention to the specific needs of your family members.

FEMA and the American Red Cross recommend a family go bag also contain:

• Personal medications and medical items. If you have a family member with a medical condition or need, such as insulin and syringes for a diabetic, extra batteries for hearing aids, reading glasses, etc.
• Baby supplies. Bottles, formula, baby food, diapers, wipes, pacifiers and a baby carrier are all vital.
• Pet supplies. Collar, leash, ID, food, carrier, bowl, meds, etc.
• Copies of personal documents. In a waterproof container, place medication lists and pertinent medical information, proof of home address, deed/lease to home, passports, birth certificates, insurance policies and so on. If paper copies are too bulky, put the documents on a USB thumb drive.
• Family emergency contact info. Keep a paper copy in a waterproof bag or container for handy reference.
• Extra set of car keys and house keys
• Games and activities for children. Keep in a separate bags the kids can carry on their own. For younger children, a stuffed animal or other security blanket item is a nice touch.

Ready? Grab you bag and go when told

A family go bag is only good if you take it with you in an emergency. Keep it in a handy location. Make sure all your family members are aware of where it is. And when authorities tell you to evacuate or leave, heed their call.

Photo: © SpeedShutter / Adobe Stock.

The year 2020 has thrown a lot on our plates.

COVID-19. Social and political unrest. Economic uncertainty. Some of us are also dealing with health issues or the loss of loved ones, which may or may not be related to those issues. Through it all, we must constantly remember: It’s not necessarily what happens to us, it’s how we respond to it.

Think hard about what’s going on, and you’ll find many scenarios literally out of our control. But what’s always in our control is how we approach life. So ask yourself this: Am I about life enhancement or am I just waiting for the next shoe to drop?

One of the best things that can come out of experiencing loss or going through some traumatic or terrible situation is realizing that we should focus our energy on making life better while we have it. Not just our own lives but the lives of those around us: our kids, our spouse or partner, our neighbors and friends, our extended family, and our communities. Our lives here are legitimately too short to focus on things that don’t revolve around improvement or enhancement. If what I do is not about that in some capacity, I truly believe that I’m wasting my time — precious time.

Think about what is important to you. In my life, for example, relationships are. My health and wellness is important to me but also to those all who rely on me. The environment my wife and I create in our home and lives is critical for us and for our children’s present and future. Now ask yourself: How am I enhancing those aspects of life? How am I building up the strengths and improving on them? When you do that, you begin to realize that everything that you do on a daily basis needs to be focused on life enhancement and being intentional or purposeful about it.

So fellas, I’m challenging you today. Take the BS and throw it to the side and commit yourself to being about the business of “Life Enhancement.” COVID-19 and all the other day-to-day challenges facing us and our society are further reminders why this should be a focus of yours. We have only a finite number of years here and because of that, we don’t need to waste it. If you have an opportunity to enhance some aspect of your life, to educate yourself, to show somebody some love, to do something nice for somebody — DO IT! When you focus on enhancing life — whether it’s yours or someone else’s — there’s a benefit that comes to all. Be the change you desire to see in the world, as a dad and as a human, and be about the business of “Life Enhancement.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike Dorsey, known as “Mike D” by many, is an author, business entrepreneur, community organizer, speaker and podcaster. He hosts the Black Fathers, NOW! podcast and founded the apparel company Black Family Apparel. He has author two books: Dynamic Black Fatherhood Manifesto and ABE: Always Be Engaged — The 7 Keys to Living a Fit Urban Life. He can be reached via Instagram, Facebook or email.

Life enhancement photo: ©kieferpix / Adobe Stock.

COVID-19 has done a number on time. For parents lucky enough to be healthy and employed, a key challenge has become spending so many hours at home with children. Some time flies, some crawls. Either way, we’re faced with more “underscheduled” family time than ever.

For inspiration, I like to revel in a memory made several years ago. There I was, lost in a vintage clothing store in search of an all-star-husband gift for my wife. But I quickly realized I would probably make another rookie mistake, so I just started chuckling at the platform shoes and feathered hats.

Soon a salesperson asked if I needed help. In the middle of his question, my eyes landed on an amazing sight on the wall behind him: an exact replica of the hexagonal, multi-colored kitchen clock that hung in my childhood home in Niagara Falls, N.Y. While the salesperson chattered on, the clock transported me back to that kitchen, complete with the light orange walls, the pale green fridge, the black Formica table my brother and I would play paper football on, and the constant asking of “What’s for dinner, Mom?”

The clock also recalled our family obsession with “6 o’clock sharp.” That is the time my mother somehow managed to have dinner on the dining room table for our family of eight every single night! (As a former stay-at-home dad of only two children, I have never approached my mother’s dinner prowess.) Beyond the sensory details I associated with the clock, it was the feeling that flooded me most. The feeling of home, of a caring place where the ritual of a shared dinner brought all eight of us together for the only time of each day.

The power of that memory illustrates the importance of family routines, especially during a time like the coronavirus. Granted, even “regular” times have changed, and a tech-free dinner with all family members at 6 o’clock sharp may not be possible. But parents at this moment should still strive for some consistent family rituals — whether shared meals or snacks, game times or simply check-in meetings. In the process, take advantage of the extra time at home to re-examine your family life.

Assess how your family spent time in days before

Since COVID-19 has cancelled so many of our usual extracurricular activities, we can reflect on what is truly beneficial and what is not, as well as what we continue to be thankful for. Surely we miss some activities, but many of us may also realize that our families were “overscheduled” without knowing it. View this time like you cleaning out your pantry: you are restocking it with essentials and letting the non-essentials perish. In the same way we try to imitate what our parents did well and discard what failed, prune the less healthy habits that have creeped into your own family life. Some of us might have more pruning to do than others, but now is the time for establishing family routines and traditions worth keeping.

One of the ironies of the pandemic is that even though being homebound for so long can be incredibly tedious (and that’s on a good day), this time may become the most memorable period in all of our lives. So here’s a question for parents to ask themselves: How would you like your children to remember it? From a wider view, if your children enter a vintage store decades from now and see a reminder of their childhood home, how do you want them to feel?

My mother passed away three years ago. That day in the vintage store, I bought that clock for a few dollars, put it on my home-office wall, and set the hands to read 6 o’clock forever.

Photo: Vincent O’Keefe.

Homeschooling is here indefinitely, and there’s lots of logistics to consider. The biggest for many of us being how to make sure that the kids are learning, and that their homeschooling schedule meshes with our own home/work schedule.

We attempted to have our 11-year-old son follow an academic schedule of sorts at the start. That worked a little, but there was so much crying and whining and “NO, I can’t possibly use THAT pencil!” that I’m not sure how we are going to survive. Here was our original homeschooling schedule, the idea was for 25-minute segments with 15 minutes for resting. It now looks ambitious.

9 a.m. — Social studies. Watched the first part of Crash Course in World History. I asked him to take notes, which he did, but he thought it was boring. I think that was reflexive more than anything else. It turns out he didn’t know a lot of the words, so I had him watch it again, and we went over all the words he didn’t know.

9:40 a.m. — Reading/English Language Arts. He was allowed to read the LitRPG (Literature Role Play Game) novel he’s been reading, but I asked him to summarize each chapter after he read it. This was a huge fight. He eventually agreed. His summaries were poor (and the handwriting very difficult to read.)

10:20 a.m. — Spanish. He’s not actually taking Spanish, but he didn’t want to do Chinese which is what he takes in school, and so we agreed on Spanish using the Duolingo app. (We are still expecting to go back to Barcelona this summer, although the virus may change our plans, so knowing some Spanish would be helpful.)

11 a.m.-noon — Lunch.  Still his favorite subject of the day.

Noon — Writing.  I had him write a five-paragraph essay on why school should only be two hours long. His essay wasn’t bad, but it was only three paragraphs and not that organized.

1 p.m. — Coding/programming.  He wanted to do Minecraft mod coding, which is something he already kind of knows how to do. My wife and I said no: learn Python, HTML, JavaScript or CSS. This turned into a big fight.

1:40 p.m. — Math. This actually turned into phys ed, which was spent playing sports on the WiiU since it was very cold out. He went downstairs to do this, which meant he was out of my hair. This went longer than it was supposed to go, because I wasn’t focused on it.

2:30 p.m. — Physical education. We switched this out with math, which was probably a better idea.

3:20 p.m. — Free choice (but no electronics). He ended up sitting and reading and then counting down the seconds to 4 p.m.

4-6 p.m. — Open play online with friends or alone. This was the only thing that really started on time.

Homeschooling lessons learned

• In retrospect, our schedule was way too much and too crowded. But I don’t want my son on the computer the whole time, and I have other stuff to do that doesn’t include sitting with him and coming up with algebraic problems.
• His handwriting is atrocious. We need to spend some time working on handwriting skills.
• Being a teacher of 11-year-olds requires either the patience of a saint or the hardened feelings of a serial killer. Or both.

The next day, the school did have some assignments to do, but this took maybe an hour to do, all in. There are another six to seven hours of the day to schedule/fill.

Part of me is: OK, let’s take on the role of homeschool teacher, and I will finish all the assignments he’s given, driving him like a slave driver. That’s what he needs is someone pushing him harder, and then he will see the error of his ways and become a genius self-starter (like you know, Elon Musk or Steven Spielberg. Then we will be sitting on easy street, watching his royalty checks roll in like the tide.

The other part of me (probably the sensible part) is saying: NO WAY! Give him rules and structure, but let him figure it out on his own. He will find his own way, and for me to impose my expectations on him is just wrong on a number of levels, and will end up squelching him. He gets where he gets, and I shouldn’t get upset.

I know my reality is somewhere in the middle, but these two extremes pull at me.

I am pretty great with kids (I am a professional clown) and have a lot of patience for other people’s kids, but little patience for my own child. I have a low tolerance for my son’s whining and carping on little details, and his cleverness in trying to avoid work — possibly because I recognize it so much in my own life. When he does that, I get unproportionally pissed off. (Or when he professes that he doesn’t understand something when he clearly does — but saying he doesn’t understand it means he doesn’t have to do it.)

The big question

So how do I NOT be a hard-ass while at the same time get him to be excited about school, and get him to (MOSTLY) be a self-starter about this stuff? I welcome your advice and hard-fought stories in the comments.

A version of this first appeared on Dadapalooza.

Photo: © Aksinia / Adobe Stock.

It should be the easiest thing in the world for me to do. As an at-home dad, you’d think all I did was hang out with my kid, right? Yes and no. It’s complicated.

While my 2-year-old son comes first, I do work. Real estate doesn’t sell itself (well, kinda, but that’s not the point). I also oversee events, social media and more for the Anchorage Dads Group; I’m on the board of a nonprofit, and I have to jam in time for my wife as well. Life is busy.

Caring for my son consumes a lot of time and takes priority over everything during the day. Everything revolves around his eating and sleeping schedule. Even a lot of my work is about him.

However, on a Monday morning, I found myself where I am frequently — rushing while time flies past. Rushing to get breakfast made; rushing to get the kid fed, cleaned and dressed; rushing to get lunch packed and us on the road in an hour or less. This is our routine almost every weekday.

“Am I really taking all this time we have together, filling it with hustle and bustle, fighting to get him into the car seat, and relegating my role from father to that of chauffeur and chef?” I wondered.

Yes.

“Am I missing out on developing his mind in favor of imprinting upon him that getting everything done in the morning as fast as you can is the most important thing?”

Yes.

“Am I going to regret not taking one measly morning or two a week to stay at home with him, cook a complicated and involved breakfast, read together, and maybe listen to music with him?”

Yes.

Good parenting beyond what the books say

I’m doing so many things right as this time flies by. Excellently good, in fact.

My professional education and experience has made me fairly knowledgeable about the philosophies of parenting. My kid NEVER get processed food. Never gets sugary food or drinks. His first two birthday “cakes” were a banana with a candle in it. He is on the cusp of reading already. At age 2! He can draw several letters. He can count to 20. He gets basic mathematics teaching at least once a week. He can hit a ball pitched to him AND run to first base, dribble a soccer ball down the field to score a goal and shoot a hoop with good form. He has a solid group of friends (with great dads) he looks forward to seeing frequently.

My role in all this has been the hustling chauffeur, chef and coach/instructor. Simple and basic “play time” is missing. It’s hard to remember the last time we had just regular ol’ horseplay. His “unstructured playtime,” as prescribed by professionals, is by himself while I do my work.

My mom made a comment on her last visit to the effect of “ages 2 to 5 are the best ages because that’s when kids are the most fun.” Really? Where’s my fun with him? It’s hard to remember the last time. He has fun scheduled all the time, but I’m a secondary part of it. What’s our “thing,” other than me bundling him up and shoving him into a car seat to go to the next thing on our list?

Evening reading time and play is primarily saved for his mom and their time of the day.

Seeing a picture of me just a year ago, where I was lifting him upside down by his legs, really got me missing a less busy life. It made me regret over-scheduling ourselves.

Such an easy solution is within my ability – cancel unimportant things. I can make everything necessary fit, but I need to shut down those activities that aren’t important so I can just be present.

Back to what’s “our” thing. I’m going to make “our thing” exercise. Just a couple of days ago he surprisingly did push-ups, squats and leg lifts with me. We followed that up with the introduction to premium wrestling moves: body slams, DDTs, power slams, and then the Boston Crab (very lightly!).

Maybe I’ll throw learning into “our thing”? Get him fully reading at age 3? Adding and subtracting at age 4? He can already count to 20, maybe we can hit 50 this year? He can recognize the word “cat,” maybe I can get him to write his name?

All it’s going to take from me is to slow down and focus on spending time — our time — together.

Time flies photo: © peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.

School’s out! It’s time to set some summer goals and get into yourself and the kids into a routine.

I’ve set a few rules for the summer while I’m home with my kids full-time, so these summer goals are now ours:

Screen time

Time spent on devices is always a tricky subject in our household. I like the idea of allowing them time to use screens each day for a limited time, but in the past that screen time bleeds into longer and longer periods. Our family usually does better with screens on Friday afternoons and weekends only, which is what we did all school year. We will likely stick to this plan. Although ask me again in a few weeks, things may change.

Bedrooms

If we keep our screen days the same as last school year, it’s easy to make sure the kids have their rooms cleaned each week before they are allowed to use their devices.

Meals

I’m thinking I can get my kids to plan and cook one dinner each week. They could search cookbooks, write out the grocery list, prep the ingredients and cook. It will be fun for them and a break from the usual routine for me.

Laundry

In addition to getting my kids to cook, I’m thinking this might be a good year to get my kids to fold and sort their own laundry. My kids already put their own clothes away, but currently, I wash, fold and sort for them. Having them do this work seems like the next logical step since a major goal my wife and I have for our kids is for them not to live under our roof forever.

Sleep

I cannot force my kids to sleep in, but I can make them stay in their rooms until a reasonable time in the morning. What I don’t want is six bored brown eyes staring at me at 6 a.m. Monday, asking me what the plans are for the day. In the past, we’ve also had “quiet time” for 40 minutes after lunch. It’s a good way for my kids to get a break from me and one another. I just need to once again convince them it’s not a punishment.

Fun

Summer won’t be all work and no play. I plan to go to as many Indy Indians games as time and weather will permit. It’s truly a place where I get as much enjoyment being there as my kids do. We will also swim ourselves exhausted as much as possible. I am hopeful that BB will learn to ride her bike this summer as well. We took the training wheels off a while back, but have yet to get past the “me running holding on to her seat while she keeps her balance for three feet” stage. I hope she gets the concept of bike riding in time for us to go on a family bike ride or two this summer.

As with all goals, I’m sure we will exceed some of these summer goals and fall short on others. What summer goals does your family have for this summer?

A version of this first appeared on Indy’s Child. Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash

What are my kids doing this summer?

Nothing.

That’s right, nothing.

We’ve signed them up for zero camps. We have scheduled no play dates. Alas, we have no true idea how we might occupy four kids between the ages of 5 and 12 over the upcoming school-less months.

Yes, I’ve taken note of your full summer calendars. I hear your days will be packed. Baseball camp, fishing camp, STEM camp, robotics camp, the YMCA day school, soccer camp, your week at Disney, and a photography class!

I must say, I’m a bit jealous of the action-packed days you have ahead. I’m a bit ashamed ours might not be so glitzy.

After all, the reality of having several young children is that an activity-filled summer takes a ton of pre-planning, costs a fortune, and would likely require teaching my 12-year-old to drive himself and his two younger brothers to the next scheduled appointment.

But, just as I began to feel bad for my no-camp kids, I listened to your plans a little closer.

I hear the exhaustion in your voice already. It seems your precise summer plan has come with an unintended, intangible present – the stress associated with executing (and paying for) the plan.

All parents know this feeling well. It’s what compels us to drive two hours each night so that your little ballerina can learn from the best dance instructor in the county. It has us driving home at 9 p.m. on a school night while our fifth graders complain their seat belts prevent them from completing their math homework in the backseat.

The push for parents to plan for our kids (and the associated guilt if we don’t) is there constantly. That’s too often for my taste.

And suddenly, the shame I feel for my kids’ unscheduled summer subsides. In its place, I feel empathy for you.

Can we help you with a ride?

Would Audrey just want to hang out at our house one day? 

You have our number in case you get in a bind, right? 

We can help because my no-camp kids will be just hanging out together – swimming, riding bikes around the neighborhood, building forts on rainy days and helping us tend our newly planted garden in the backyard.

But don’t get me wrong. My kids will drive me and my wife crazy.

The bickering, fighting, over-competitiveness and resistance to afternoon naps will not cease. With so many kids, there will be one time in each day that STEM camp will sound really appealing.

But those times will come and go and my kids will, I hope, be left to do what they choose to do around us. That’s the way I remember my unscheduled summer school vacations as a child.

I remember going to the library to pick out new books to earn free tickets the Cedar Rapids Reds’ Minor League Baseball games.

The thundering sounds of my neighborhood’s herd of Big Wheel trikes still rings in my head from those summers spent with time on our hands.

When I toss the baseball toward my 5-year-old’s awaiting bat today, I will still chuckle at the recollection of the biggest kid on my childhood street, Scott, breaking two windows on our neighbor’s garage in a week during one July so many years ago.

Thinking nostalgically about summers passed probably leaves me a bit naïve for what we’re in for this unscheduled summer. But, for many reasons, I need it and I think my kids might, too.

And, while I do feel passing shame for the upcoming months I’ve left unplanned, I don’t feel the pressure to quickly devise a plan that engages each kid in some way each day. No, the only plan I have is to keep it simple – to let my kids be when I should and help them when they need me.

I’ll pitch baseballs and fill flattened bike tires.

I’ll listen to them fight and go through far too many Band-Aids.

Sure, I’ll feel badly for them when they’re bored. But, once the shame subsides, I’m looking forward to be around the house — together.

So feel free to give us a call if you need any help. We can get your Sally to dance at the same time her brother Michael needs to be picked up from soccer camp so that you can quickly make dinner. I’ll be free because I’ve planned nothing.

“Unscheduled summer” photo: Trust “Tru” Katsande on Unsplash

I want to spoil my kids rotten.

But it’s not with all the toys and other materialistic things you might be thinking!

I want to spoil them with experiences and my presence. I want to be there, not just say I’m there or post a dope pic on my IG acting like I’m there.

Is it hard investing all that time, especially after a long week of working and handling other responsibilities? Of course it is, but if I don’t do it who will?

Want to make the greatest investment of your life? Work on being present and loving it. It can take a while, but that investment is one that always pays off in the long run.

My dad spoiled me rotten. He would buy me all the newest sneakers and video games I wanted. But the one thing he gave me the most, which I didn’t appreciate until I was older, was his time.

His presence made a huge difference in my life. The toys, the gifts, all that, were just a quick fix. A gift loses value over time and then you’ll want something new anyway. If we are going to raise the bar every time then it has to be through our experiences and time together.

Avoid guilty buys

Have you ever bought your kids stuff because you felt guilty for not being there? We all have done it before, some more than others.

I try to avoid the guilty buys by always being involved with my sons. I coach their basketball teams, help with homework. You know, the things we parents are supposed to do and so much more that I don’t show the world.

I just don’t do it; I try to have fun with it. If it’s something I think would be cool for me to do, I make my kids part of it. I don’t give myself the option of feeling guilty. That feels real good to write. I’m proud to not to be just a weekend dad; instead, I invest year round in my kids.

Real world over virtually reality

The worst thing we can do is let our kids grow up in a bubble and be oblivious to the rest of the world. Today’s kids are hooked to digital devices like their lives depend on it. They know what they see on the Net and we all know that sometimes that stuff isn’t right.

Growing up, I always knew there was more than just the block I was raised on and it started with my dad taking me off it when he could. Investing your time off the block doesn’t even have to kill your pockets. There are a ton of free things to do to create really dope memories if you really look. A simple train ride or even a car ride can hook it up.

If you do want to spend a little cash why not try something you always wanted to do. Always wanted to do a rope climbing course or love the arcades like Chuck E Cheese? Than do them! There are no rules saying you can’t have fun while your kids do.

Better yet, start knocking off bucket list items with your kids. That’s how you really do it big. Create dope memories together!

The world isn’t boring; your presence shouldn’t be either. You and your kids will look back and smile at all the cool things you did together. Now that’s winning.

A version of this first appeared on Cool4Dads.