Men — it’s time again to grow a mustache for your fellow man’s health: Movember 2024 has arrived!

City Dads Group and Fathering Together are joining forces with two other fatherhood organizations in November 2024 to form a “No Dad Alone” team to participate in Movember, a fund- and awareness-raising campaign to spark conversations about men’s physical and mental health issues.

Movember challenges dudes every November to grow a mustache that will serve as a living awareness ribbon and talking point for the cause. The funds raised during the campaign go for research into and public education on issues such as testicular cancer, prostate cancer, mental health and suicide.

The event is annually run by The Movember Foundation, a leading global organization that brings awareness to serious health concerns for men. It has raised hundreds of millions of dollars since its founding in 2003 to help fund hundreds of health projects globally, according to its website. The organization’s work hopes to counter some of these frightening statistics regarding men’s health:

• Testicular cancer is the most common cancer diagnosed in men ages 18 to 39.
• Men, on average, die five years earlier than women in the United States.
• One in eight men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during their lives.
• Four of every five suicides are men.

* Join our Movember 2024 #NoDadsAlone team! *

Movember 2024 finds City Dads and its partner, Fathering Together, teaming with The National At-Home Dad Network and Fathers Eve. In June, the groups agreed to join forces as part of a “No Dad Alone” campaign to amplify each other’s messages to help fathers recognize they have help and support in their parenting work.

City Dads has teamed with fatherhood organizations for Movember since 2011, helping to raise more than $135,000 for the cause.

You can help our Movember 2024 team and the cause in several ways:

• Join our Movember City Dads/Fathering Together team. Sign up at our fundraising page. You’ll get a personal fundraising page to link others to.
• Grow a mustache. Shave your face on Oct. 31 and then don’t cut the fuzz off your upper lip for 31 days. Show it off to all, in person and on social media, and tell them why you are growing it. Don’t forget to ask for a donation to help the cause and link to your fundraising page.
• Move rather than mo. Sometimes you can’t grow a mustache. Maybe it’s genetics, maybe it’s because it would jeopardize your marriage. You can still help by committing to walk or run 60 miles in November — one mile for each of the 60 men lost worldwide every hour to suicide. Again, use your personal Movember Dads page for fundraising.
• Host a Mo-ment. Get with your Movember supporters — in person or virtually — for a game night, a sporting event or maybe an initial “shave off” to get the ball rolling and draw attention to the cause.
• Donate. At the least, you can always simply give to the cause. Donate to an individual or our Movember #NoDadsAlone team as a whole.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Let’s admit it: Most of us hate going to the doctor. In fact, parenting and self-care are often at odds.

This is especially true in the chaotic early years when all parents struggle to find time to use the bathroom in peace much less exercise, see friends, and visit the doctor. Mothers in our culture are frequently reminded to practice self-care, but I’m here to urge increasingly involved fathers to do the same.

Though dads tend to feel less guilty than moms about taking time for themselves, one particular area of self-care we need to improve on is seeing a doctor.

A 2016 Cleveland Clinic survey found only three in five men, ages 18 to 70, get an annual physical. A little more than 40 percent go to the doctor only when they fear they have a serious medical condition. Those are some frightening numbers.

I can speak to the stereotype of men avoiding doctors from personal experience. I was one of those “I hate to go to the doctor” guys, too. But several years ago, I told my wife half-jokingly: “I’m either in the best shape of my life, or I’m dying.” I had finally been working out again, and I was excited to be losing weight. Freshly 40, I had spent nine long years as a stay-at-home dad, so it was thrilling to return to some “me” time.

But then I kept losing weight.

The self-care stumble 

Over three months I lost 15 pounds. Also, I began to notice frequent stomach aches, often followed by diarrhea. I started to worry. Admittedly, as a guy with a hate for going to the doctor, it probably took me longer than the average human to notice these rather dramatic changes.

Then came the kicker.

I was in the yard and bent over to pick up a rake. On my way up, I got dizzy and nearly fell over. Finally, I knew this was more than just “how 40 feels.”

I saw a gastroenterologist who performed a blood test and biopsy before pronouncing the verdict: celiac disease. His nutritionist explained celiac disease is a genetic intolerance of gluten, a protein found in wheat, rye, barley and other related grains. Gluten damages the villi in a celiac’s small intestines, which leads to malnourishment and a variety of symptoms — e.g. diarrhea, weight loss, fatigue, migraines and depression among others. Symptoms can appear anytime during a celiac’s life.

What I remember most was the nutritionist’s statement, “It’s not that bad. Just avoid things like beer, bread and pasta.”

What?

For an Irish boy married to an Italian girl, she just eliminated 80 % of my diet! Immediately, I visualized an atlas of my past culinary pleasures I would never be able to revisit: the Buffalo chicken wing, the Philadelphia cheese steak, the Chicago deep-dish pizza.

Many with celiac disease never get diagnosed

But after researching the disease and the growing dietary options, I realized I was lucky this was my only problem. My good fortune was soon reinforced at my new hangout, the health food store.

When I mentioned I had just been diagnosed with celiac disease, an acquaintance asked, “Oh, does your whole life make sense to you now?” I nearly got dizzy and fell over. What? No, I thought. Now my life makes no sense. My whole life was going just fine!

But I learned she knew people whose lifelong health problems were cured after they were diagnosed with celiac disease. So then I felt grateful for 40 years of reveling in gluten. (Specifically, no beer in college would have been tough to swallow.) So if any unexplained symptoms apply to you, consider asking your doctor about celiac disease since many people go undiagnosed.

Now that I’m gluten-free, I’ve regained a few pounds and feel healthy. It’s also nice to fit back into my pre-stay-at-home dad clothes. However, you know you’ve been a stay-at-home dad too long when you put on a button-down shirt and your daughter asks, “Dad, why are you dressed all fancy?”

After my health scare, I consider such a moment a little reward for going to the doctor.

Editor’s Note: This article about men’s health and the fear of going to the doctor was originally published in 2017. Photo: “Doctor greeting patient” by Vic, licensed under CC BY 2.0)

I reclined on the bed of the CT machine, ready for a close-up of my heart. I’d been waiting for this moment since August when an ultrasound failed to determine if I had inherited my family’s history of heart defects. A better picture was needed.

As the machine spun around my chest, I hoped the resulting image would show nothing faulty with my ticker. After all, just three days prior, I had completed a 5K race, and last year, a half-marathon. If something was amiss with my heart, wouldn’t I have known by now, after nearly half a century of living?

The path to this moment began in June when my uncle was hospitalized. My mother started talking about our family history of heart disease and defects. I knew the stories of disease (mostly the result of lifestyle), but tales of abnormalities present at birth were news to me. She even casually mentioned she had an extra heart cusp, a disclosure that triggered my decision to get checked out.

It’s about your heart

I needed to know if I’d been born with a congenital heart defect known as a bicuspid aortic valve (BAV). As the Mayo Clinic explains, “The aortic valve is the main ‘door’ out of the heart. Blood flows through the aortic valve to exit the heart, and supplies oxygen and nutrients to the rest of the body.”

A normal valve has three leaflets or cusps. Some people are born with one, two or even four cusps (like my mother) on their aortic valve. But the most common abnormality is an aortic valve with two cusps—a bicuspid aortic valve. This condition occurs in about 1 percent of the general population and accounts for more premature deaths than all other congenital heart diseases combined.

For better or worse, we receive a multitude of inheritances from our family. Some take the form of heirlooms like an antique pocket watch, a well-worn family Bible, or vintage family photographs. Others are intangible yet no less real. Think cherished family traditions, oral histories, or the cultural rituals that tether us to our ancestors.

But there’s also the messiness of our genetic inheritance. This legacy passed down through generations includes physical traits such as eye color or height, as well as health conditions, like a congenital heart defect. This inheritance is a reminder that our bodies are not merely reflections of our own choices; they are also the result of a genetic lottery in which we have little say.

Searching for congenital heart defect

During the CT scan, a cool sensation enveloped my arm as a contrast dye coursed through the IV port in it. This technique would enhance the visibility of organs in the images. Soon after, a wave of warmth swept through my body, signaling the end of the procedure. That evening, I received the results.

My aortic valve was healthy, devoid of any signs of coronary artery disease. But there was a twist.

The genetic lottery had struck again; my valve was also bicuspid.

No one wants to hear there’s something defective about their body, especially when it involves a vital organ. My first reaction was a mix of emotions, from gratitude to having lived this long with no heart issues to a sense of concern about the implications of this diagnosis. Would I have to make any lifestyle changes? What’s my likelihood of requiring surgical intervention in the future? How soon should I have my daughter screened?

Thanks to a cardiologist (and the privilege of having access to medical care), I have answers to these questions.

Inherited condition not a destiny

In the meantime, it’s just a matter of wait and see. As I age, my defective valve could begin to degenerate sooner than expected. It may eventually leak and/or narrow causing my heart to work harder to pump blood to my body. If left untreated, this extra work could increase my risk for heart failure. But with regular check-ups and proper care, I can expect to have a normal life expectancy, as most people with this condition do. Genetic inheritance is not neccesarily one’s destiny.

At 49, I’m acutely aware of my own mortality. I’ve likely seen more days now than I may see later. I’ve witnessed friends fall ill, some recovering, others passing away. I’m watching my mother age gracefully and have shouldered the responsibility of caring for my father, who died in July. I take my recent diagnosis as another reminder to live fully in the moment, to not delay dreams and passions, to seize the present.

As fathers, we often reflect on the legacy we’re passing down to our children through our choices and actions. While we can’t change the genetic traits we’ve inherited, we can choose how we manage and navigate them. By staying on top of our health, we enrich our lives and set a profound example for our children, modeling the importance of self-care, resilience, and the determination to live to the fullest.

That’s an inheritance any child would be proud to receive.

Operating on congential heart defect photo by Olga Guryanova on Unsplash

Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our archives for great articles you might have missed over the years. This article about male depression and suicide comes from 2013.

Men shouldn’t need help.

This is part of an unwritten code and a shameful hypocrisy of our culture.

We lie to ourselves and say we are “fine” when we are not because we have been told since childhood that men must be strong and stoic. Crying, let alone asking, for help is not masculine. So we tell ourselves and each other: “Man up!”

However, when men suffer in private and take their own lives, they – like anyone else – leave loved ones behind to mourn. They harm more than themselves; they hurt those who love them the most.

My male clients usually end up in my office only after they realize they have hit rock bottom. These are the truly fortunate ones whose inner voices yelled loud and long enough to enable them to go against the code; breaking the rule. This realization shows real strength.

Male depression, like any depression, is a state of mind where we feel we are failing. We blame ourselves for our failure, and we believe what we think. As a result, we find ourselves constantly following negative thoughts, repeating our negative mantras like an internal iTunes playlist. We ignore our friends’ and/or family’s warnings or pleas; blind to the exaggeration inherent in our negative thoughts. We now become angry.

Anger can be deafening. It oppresses and creates an isolation that leads us to crave an escape route. Some seek this getaway from our internal negative chatter through various regimens of immersion: in the Internet, the news, the latest reality show/situation comedy, alcohol, drugs, etc.

The relief, though, is often false and fleeting.

Know the signs of male depression

Each time these negative thoughts return, they intensify. Yet we continue to tell anyone who asks that we are ‘fine’ when we feel ‘like shit’ because that has been drilled into our concept of “manliness” since we were young. If we continue to walk down this negative and self-critical path, our destination will be intensively negative and self-critical. We arrive at blackness, at nowhere. This is when we will believe that we have nothing to live for.

When someone takes his life, it is because he has a plan, the means, and the energy. Most attempts that fail are cries for help. You will know that you are approaching or have reached this breaking point; the point where you need to ask for help, when you experience any combination of the following:

• helplessness
• hopelessness
• sleep problems
• poor appetite
• poor self-care habitats
• inability to communicate with the people you love
• any pattern of substance abuse

This is not an exhaustive list, but a list of indicators that you have reached the limit of your private suffering. Remember that suffering is always temporary but only alleviated by transforming it into a path of self-acceptance.

There is no shame in surviving male depression, and only through connection can we survive. If you are becoming concerned – about yourself or someone else – take stock, reach out, speak out, and make that life-saving connection.

Editor’s Note: If you are having a mental health crisis, feel suicidal, or believe a loved one is, call or text 988 to get in touch with the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

About the author

Alex Stadler is a licensed clinical social worker, a mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapist in private practice, and a mental health consultant to numerous NYC human services agencies.

Male depression photo: © Monkey Business / Adobe Stock.

Editor’s Note: Mental health issues are among the many things most people, men in particular, are reluctant to discuss. Former Boston Dads Group co-organizer James Mahaffey has no such fear. In this 2013 post from our archives, he writes frankly about the male postpartum depression he experienced following the birth of his daughter.

Once, possibly twice, during my first three months of parenthood, I found myself huddled in my home office, secretly and somewhat reluctantly shedding a tear in the dark. A very dignified and manly tear, that is. The kind that wells up and glosses over just the bottom half of the eye before stoically leaping like a cliff diver descending in a super quick, unquestionably deliberate, straight line down the cheek, never to be seen again.

This tear was brought on by a combination of things.

My newborn’s constant piercing screams.

The unexpected disagreements with her mother on what to do during those times.

My guilt for the occasional “bad” thought many parents have felt at some time but rarely admit.

I remember wondering if I was “depressed a little.” I had been feeling this way for longer than I cared to admit. It was a feeling I couldn’t seem to shake.

And, as a man, I didn’t necessarily know what to do except secretly cry in the dark.

It wasn’t until we were at the first post-birth checkup that I even thought about my manly tear incident again. Typically at this appointment, women fill out the Edinburgh Depression Scale to find out if they are experiencing “signs or symptoms associated with postpartum depression.” After reading the questions I started uncomfortably laughing. I began to feel like someone should be asking me the same questions.

I didn’t carry or give birth to a 7-pound human being. However, I have been there from day one and every day since our daughter was born. It’s not like the shrieks and cries of an inconsolable baby or the physically and emotionally draining late nights and resulting sleep deprivation were her mother’s to experience alone. I was up with her, helping out (and suffering just the same) as much as I could through all of those early tests of parenthood.

But maybe it wasn’t male postpartum depression I was experiencing. Maybe something else was going on inside of me. The first three months are one of those stages where I do believe certain mothers are better equipped than fathers to withstand the irritability of their newborn. CJ didn’t seem to be as emotionally affected as I was.

So when CJ was filling out the form, I made a column for myself next to her’s so I could also answer the questions. We went in and I, of course, made light of my little “cry for help” that manifested itself in the form of a drawn-in column on a post-partum questionnaire. She laughed a little, too. In fact, we all laughed and then we got back to focusing on CJ.

But should we have?

The issue is real. A 2010 study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that about 10 percent of fathers become depressed before or just after their baby is born. This is more than double the rate of depression in the general male population.

Men’s mental health is rarely discussed and is almost taboo in some scenarios. This is another reason why I grew a mustache in November to raise awareness and funds for the Movember movement. For two decades, the movement has raised funds and awareness to combat prostate and testicular cancer make people. In more recent years, Movember has added a special focus on mental health.

Please help others worse off than me. Raise awareness of paternal depression and keep an eye on your father friends, especially those with newborns. No dad needs to suffer in silence anymore.

About the author

After nearly being “shhh-ed” to death while his daughter napped, filmmaker James Mahaffey decided to vlog about his journey at “Becoming a Ninja: Freedom to Fatherhood,” where a version of this post originally appeared.

Male postpartum depression photo: © pololia / Adobe Stock.

April is Testicular Cancer Awareness month. And, the men’s health advocates of The Movember Foundation want guys to get to “Know Thy Nuts.”

About 70,000 men in the world annually receive a diagnosis of cancer of the testicles. According to the Mayo Clinic, it’s the most common cancer found in American males between ages 15 and 35.

The good news: It’s still fairly rare, making up only 1% of all male tumors. More good news: When discovered early on in a man, it is highly treatable and the survival rate is 95%. The bad news: Most of those guys most vulnerable to the disease don’t know how to check their boys downstairs.

Online tool to help Know Thy Nuts

The Movember Foundation, a leading global organization dedicated to bringing awareness to serious health concerns for men, has created the Nuts & Bolts online tool to help dudes learn the essentials about testicular cancer. This includes:

• how to check for and recognize changes in one’s testicles
• what to do if you do notice something odd down there
• other symptoms to watch for
• what to expect if you go to the doctor for a checkup down under
• a community Q&A to help take the fear and mystery out of receiving a diagnosis
• what a diagnosis means for your sex life and chances of fathering a child later on

The Nuts & Bolts tool can even hook you up with a testicular cancer survivor to help guide you through your own treatment and recovery if you are diagnosed.

The vast majority of guys won’t find something wrong with their testicles, The Movember Foundation notes. However, the campaign stresses it’s important for men to check down there regularly. According to their website, about 70 percent of men don’t regularly give themselves a feel down there to see if everything is in order.

City Dads Group has regularly supported The Movember Foundation on its mission to make men more aware of health issues specific to their gender, such as prostate cancer, mental health issues and suicide. This includes its signature event: the November growing of mustaches to raise awareness and money for research.

Possible testicular cancer risk factors

• Undescended testicles at birth.
• Being related to someone who’s had testicular cancer.
• Having had testicular cancer before.
• Race and ethnicity – risk is higher in the United States and Europe, and lower in Africa and Asia.
• Common symptoms: Lump or swelling in testicle area; dull ache in abdomen or groin

Want to help save a man’s life? Help us raise some cash by growing a ‘stache with our dads next month during Movember 2021.

City Dads Group again is seeking members and friends to help us support The Movember Foundation, a leading global organization dedicated to bringing awareness to serious health concerns for men such as testicular cancer, prostate cancer, mental health and suicide.

Movember challenges dudes every November to spark conversations about men’s physical and mental health issues. The growing of a mustache is meant to serve as a living awareness ribbon and talking point for the cause. In recent years, the Movember Foundation has also added an exercise challenge for the facial-hair challenged.

+ Join our Movember 2021 team +

The Movember Foundation has raised hundreds of millions of dollars since its founding in 2003 to help fund hundreds of health projects globally, according to its website. The organization’s work hopes to counter some of these frightening statistics regarding men’s health:

• Men, on average, die five years earlier than women in the United States.
• One in eight men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during their lives.
• Four of every five suicides are men.
• Testicular cancer is the most common cancer diagnosed in men ages 18 to 39.

City Dads Group is once again joining forces with the Life of Dad social network, the Dad 2.0 fatherhood conference and The National At-Home Dad Network to form a “Movember Dads” team. The group combined to raise more than $10,000 last year.

You can help our Movember 2021 team and the cause in several ways:

• Join the Movember Dads team. Sign up through our Movember Dads page. You’ll get your own personal fundraising page to link other to.
• Grow a mustache. Shave your mug on Oct. 31 and then don’t cut the fuzz off your upper lip for 31 days. Show it off to all, in person and on social media, and tell them why you are growing it. Don’t forget to ask for a donation to help the cause and link to your fundraising page.
• Move rather than mo. Sometime you just can’t grow a mustache. Maybe it’s genetics, maybe it’s because it would jeopardize your marriage. You can still help by committing to walk or run 60 miles in November — one mile for each of the 60 men lost worldwide every hour to suicide. Again, use your personal Movember Dads page for fundraising.
• Host a Mo-ment. Get with your Movember supporters — in person or virtually — for a game night, a sporting event or maybe an initial “shave off” to get the ball rolling and draw attention to the cause.
• Donate. At the least, you can always simply give to the cause. Donate to an individual or to our Movember Dads team as a whole.

City Dads Group, starting in 2011 with its founding NYC Dads chapter, has helped raise more than $133,000 to support the Movember Foundation and its partners.

The stress and commotion of the workplace can attach to you like a leech. By the time you get home from another long work day, any desire you had to do anything with your family can suddenly become the lowest of priorities. You kick your feet up and reach for the remote, but …

You know dang well that your kid and family need you. They want you to play, help with things around the house, and plan for the future.

But you are just so exhausted.

So how does one find the “life” in work-life balance?

I’ve been on a constant search for that during the past few years. I look to determine what I can do to light a flame, get a second (or third) wind, and make myself more emotionally available to my wife and daughter. One of the major changes I made was to start working from home, but that’s not an option for everyone. As such, I’ve gathered the best advice I have heard or received that has allowed me to be a better partner, father and person by achieving work-life balance:

Seek flexible work-life schedules

Work-life balance starts at the workplace. In the same way a good employee should be loyal, take on tough assignments and make decisions that are good for the company, a good employer should do the same for a valued employee.

Don’t be afraid to ask your employer for arrangements that make things easier for you. Can you work from home one day a week? Could you leave early on certain days to pick the kids up from school? You’ll be surprised at how many companies are willing to do this to keep their best people. All you have to do is ask.

If you feel this may come with repercussions from your peers or bosses, think about your role as a father. You probably already have the mindset that you need to provide for your family, so use that. Realize that your responsibility is to provide in all ways — not just financially, but also with time. Pressure your employers to value you or find a company that will. The ThirdPath Institute helps people do just this and can be a great work-life resource to tap into.

Structure life as you do work

I better understood what needed to be done around my home by organizing tasks in the same way I did at the office. My job uses several productivity tools and programs to track what needs to be done. We decided to adopt one for our home! We use Trello to create and update our to-do lists in the same way that I do for work.

This helps you can start treating home tasks as extensions of your job because, ultimately, your day job is only one to fulfill your responsibilities as a father. It’s going to feel good to get items off your checklist and doing it in an environment that you understand will help you achieve those quicker.

Dress for the success

For work, you gotta dress for the part, right? Do the same at home. For me, if I dress too comfortably, I equate it to relaxation and I don’t want to do anything. My daughter, just as any toddler, requires a lot of energy, so the best way to dress to keep up with her is by throwing on my running shoes and workout clothes. Wearing my running shoes just  psychologically makes me more agile and keeps me from just laying around.

Learn, obey your sleep patterns

What really helped me use my time more efficiently was understanding my sleep patterns, particularly when it’s impossible to get a full eight hours of sleep.

Basically, a sleep cycle lasts 90 minutes and goes through five different stages. Within those stages, there are shallow/light periods of sleep and deep/heavy ones. The secret is waking up when you’re in light, shallow sleep. If you do, you won’t feel so groggy and you’ll wake up in a much better mood. This means you can feel more refreshed even when waking up earlier if you do it while you’re in a light sleep period. You can use that to extra time for either yourself or to get things done so you have less to do later.

A bunch of fancy tools can help you map your sleep cycles, many found within fitness wearables. If you want to use any of these, an app called Sleep Time can help you via your smartphone.

Once you figure out your optimal sleep times, you can make it a routine to go to sleep and wake at the same time. I use a light-emitting alarm clock that mimics the sun rising over a 30 minute period. I lets me naturally wake up during light sleep without those obnoxious alarm clock sounds that pierce right through your soul.

Cleanse from time-drainers

This one is hard because it takes sacrifice. If your family struggles for time with you, then time-drainers shouldn’t be given any priority. I’m talking about TV, sports, video games, Netflix, social media … you know, those things that suck up your time but you always somehow make excuses for.

You don’t have to stop these things altogether, but you should really focus on decreasing your time with them. We think these are things make us who we are, but as soon as you get rid of them you’ll realize how much you don’t need really need them. I have a hard time with binge-watching TV shows. Whenever I get started, it’s hard for me to stop so I try my best to avoid getting sucked into a new one.

Don’t be discouraged if you fall into a wave-like pattern of alternating good and bad periods. The important thing is recognizing the valleys and then trying to correct course.

Give time to yourself

Finally, carve out “me” time where you can. This could be going to the gym or a taking a break to consciously enjoy a time-drainer. Talk to your partner so they understand you need to occasionally decompress, but limit these breaks so they happen either when your time isn’t needed by your family/job (such as early in the morning before work), or perhaps on certain days you feel like you may need them most (Monday Night Football, anyone?). Setting up this time will keep you also looking out for yourself and I assume can do well for mental health.

Try these work-life balance tips out and see if they work for you. Be that super dad you know you’re capable of being and make time work in your favor.

Work-life balance achieved photo by Val Vesa on Unsplash.

Even before becoming a dad, I always thought my role as a father was to be the family’s provider. I grew up in an environment where undoubtedly that was the case, and it was reinforced by the corporate environment where I started my career because the culture there highly valued money over time. Therefore, it’s no surprise that I grew fascinated with focusing on my career and making as much money as I could, even at the expense of my personal time.

Then — boom.

My wife and I had to deal with a series of health issues. First, it was mine: a serious case of shingles that evolved into neuralgia caused by the stress of working in a toxic environment. Some time after that, my wife had a serious flare-up of lupus, an autoimmune disease triggered by stress.

While my wife was ill, I still went to the office while she went to doctor’s appointments and dealt with the pain by herself. It was a rough period for us. As a man, I had so much pride that I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. Not family, friends, not co-workers. The investment properties we managed got neglected and we lost money every month. I became frustrated and anxious. Yet I didn’t want to give up my job for fear of not being able to provide.

After seeing less than minimal improvements in my wife’s health for about two months, I realized I wasn’t providing for my family in the way that really mattered. Was the priority of the household of the moment to focus on money? We had bills, of course, but there’s so much more to life than living to work. I should’ve been giving time — my time — instead.

Not giving time an unrecoverable loss

Many of us men have this perplexing thought in which we assume that just by being at work we are doing a service to our family. In reality, we can make a living in so many other ways that also allow you to be home so you can enjoy and help the people you love most.

So we made big decisions. We moved from Miami to Orlando to leave the stressful lifestyle we associated with the city and take advantage of the equity we had gained on a home we had purchased near there. I gathered the courage to quit my job only for my employer to be offer me an opportunity to hold on to it while working remotely.

I quickly began to realize how much time is wasted at an office.

My newly discovered free time helped relieve stresses for both of us. I worked when I was most productive, and I embraced things that I didn’t have time for before. I became more active in the household, and my wife and I focused on health by eating better, working out and trying to lead a less stressful lifestyle. After just a few months of focusing on ourselves and not our jobs, her lupus went into remission.

The lessons I learned from that period of my life still influence my decisions years later. Before having my daughter, I took a different job with a company where everyone worked remotely and offered better paternity leave. I started seeing my job as just a paycheck but, surprisingly, I was also doing well in it. Since my daughter’s birth, I’ve had titles such as senior marketing manager, VP of marketing and now “Head of Growth.” But when people ask what I do, first and foremost, I talk about being a dad. Then I’ll talk about our real estate investments and then, if I feel like it, I’ll talk about my job. I no longer tie my identity to my career, and it’s allowed me to break free from making decisions that only benefit a toxic patriarchal fantasy as opposed to doing what’s truly best for myself and my family.

Sometimes I fall into these periods where I find myself leaning toward working more hours than I should for my job only to be reminded that the best job I’ve ever had is being a father. At those moments, I close the computer, play with my kid and worry about getting stuff done later. The more I do this, the more productive I become in the time I do dedicate for work. And as loyal as I am to the companies that allow me to deliver results in this structure, I’ll happily walk away from a role, title or salary the second they take away from my job as a father. We can always downgrade our lifestyle and figure out ways to cut costs if need be, but I’ll never get back the time I didn’t give my family.

And now, as my wife and I embrace the lifestyle of work-from-home parents, we have our own chaos to manage in figuring out how to keep a house going and get jobs done with a high-energy, 2-year-old toddler. But while I do, I’ve got a happy little girl to smile at and a sexy, smart work-wife who also doubles as my real wife who also keeps me going with great conversations all day. Hours and minutes are currency I trade in now because I’ve found giving time is the best way to provide for my family.

Giving time photo by Foter.com.

Mental health, especially among men, is a topic often spoken of in hushed tones … if spoken about at all.

City Dads Group has long advocated the importance of male mental health, asking the subject be brought into the forefront whenever the health and parenting is discussed. We’re happy to learn our friends at Fodada, the dad-oriented clothing company, believe the same with its new Mental Fitness campaign.

“We want to shift the dialogue around mental health to focus on its positive impact. We want to refocus the dialogue to mental fitness. A positive approach,” the company’s website states. Why not? To address your physical fitness, you must continue to work on achieving, maintaining or pushing yourself. All of which are seen as positive steps by society. So why not apply the same concept to our mental fitness?”

The company recently released its “Noggin” T-shirt. It not only looks cool with its lightning bolts above a brain design (and feels super soft against your skin, too), it also carries a literal message on how to encourage a positive conversation on the importance of mental fitness.

“The instructions on how to do it are printed right on the inside of the shirt, under the laundry directions,” Fodada founder Bobby Barzi pointed out to us as he showed off the shirt at the recent Dad 2.0 Summit in San Antonio, Texas, where his company served as a sponsor.

“Talk with your kids – anything, anytime, anywhere. Let them in – share with them about who you are and what you go through. Take care of yourself first — so you can take better care of those you love. Be part of their world, their likes/interests. Give yourself, and them, grace — it’s OK to not be OK,” the shirts reads in part while directing you to a more detailed listed at the Mental Fitness page on the Fodada website.

The shirt and website also ask dad use #ChangeToPositive on social media platforms to share their stories and feedback about how the shirt and the wearer are continuing the conversation.

The shirt sells on the Fodada website for $30.

Barzi started the clothing line in 2012 as a socially aware business to celebrate, promote and support the idea of building  great relationships between fathers and their children. It sponsors many pro-fatherhood initiatives, such as Daddy & Me to promote interactivity between fathers and children. The company name comes from one of his son’s pronunciation of the words “for daddy.”