Men — it’s time again to grow a mustache for your fellow man’s health: Movember 2024 has arrived!

City Dads Group and Fathering Together are joining forces with two other fatherhood organizations in November 2024 to form a “No Dad Alone” team to participate in Movember, a fund- and awareness-raising campaign to spark conversations about men’s physical and mental health issues.

Movember challenges dudes every November to grow a mustache that will serve as a living awareness ribbon and talking point for the cause. The funds raised during the campaign go for research into and public education on issues such as testicular cancer, prostate cancer, mental health and suicide.

The event is annually run by The Movember Foundation, a leading global organization that brings awareness to serious health concerns for men. It has raised hundreds of millions of dollars since its founding in 2003 to help fund hundreds of health projects globally, according to its website. The organization’s work hopes to counter some of these frightening statistics regarding men’s health:

• Testicular cancer is the most common cancer diagnosed in men ages 18 to 39.
• Men, on average, die five years earlier than women in the United States.
• One in eight men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during their lives.
• Four of every five suicides are men.

* Join our Movember 2024 #NoDadsAlone team! *

Movember 2024 finds City Dads and its partner, Fathering Together, teaming with The National At-Home Dad Network and Fathers Eve. In June, the groups agreed to join forces as part of a “No Dad Alone” campaign to amplify each other’s messages to help fathers recognize they have help and support in their parenting work.

City Dads has teamed with fatherhood organizations for Movember since 2011, helping to raise more than $135,000 for the cause.

You can help our Movember 2024 team and the cause in several ways:

• Join our Movember City Dads/Fathering Together team. Sign up at our fundraising page. You’ll get a personal fundraising page to link others to.
• Grow a mustache. Shave your face on Oct. 31 and then don’t cut the fuzz off your upper lip for 31 days. Show it off to all, in person and on social media, and tell them why you are growing it. Don’t forget to ask for a donation to help the cause and link to your fundraising page.
• Move rather than mo. Sometimes you can’t grow a mustache. Maybe it’s genetics, maybe it’s because it would jeopardize your marriage. You can still help by committing to walk or run 60 miles in November — one mile for each of the 60 men lost worldwide every hour to suicide. Again, use your personal Movember Dads page for fundraising.
• Host a Mo-ment. Get with your Movember supporters — in person or virtually — for a game night, a sporting event or maybe an initial “shave off” to get the ball rolling and draw attention to the cause.
• Donate. At the least, you can always simply give to the cause. Donate to an individual or our Movember #NoDadsAlone team as a whole.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our archives for great articles you might have missed over the years. This article about male depression and suicide comes from 2013.

Men shouldn’t need help.

This is part of an unwritten code and a shameful hypocrisy of our culture.

We lie to ourselves and say we are “fine” when we are not because we have been told since childhood that men must be strong and stoic. Crying, let alone asking, for help is not masculine. So we tell ourselves and each other: “Man up!”

However, when men suffer in private and take their own lives, they – like anyone else – leave loved ones behind to mourn. They harm more than themselves; they hurt those who love them the most.

My male clients usually end up in my office only after they realize they have hit rock bottom. These are the truly fortunate ones whose inner voices yelled loud and long enough to enable them to go against the code; breaking the rule. This realization shows real strength.

Male depression, like any depression, is a state of mind where we feel we are failing. We blame ourselves for our failure, and we believe what we think. As a result, we find ourselves constantly following negative thoughts, repeating our negative mantras like an internal iTunes playlist. We ignore our friends’ and/or family’s warnings or pleas; blind to the exaggeration inherent in our negative thoughts. We now become angry.

Anger can be deafening. It oppresses and creates an isolation that leads us to crave an escape route. Some seek this getaway from our internal negative chatter through various regimens of immersion: in the Internet, the news, the latest reality show/situation comedy, alcohol, drugs, etc.

The relief, though, is often false and fleeting.

Know the signs of male depression

Each time these negative thoughts return, they intensify. Yet we continue to tell anyone who asks that we are ‘fine’ when we feel ‘like shit’ because that has been drilled into our concept of “manliness” since we were young. If we continue to walk down this negative and self-critical path, our destination will be intensively negative and self-critical. We arrive at blackness, at nowhere. This is when we will believe that we have nothing to live for.

When someone takes his life, it is because he has a plan, the means, and the energy. Most attempts that fail are cries for help. You will know that you are approaching or have reached this breaking point; the point where you need to ask for help, when you experience any combination of the following:

• helplessness
• hopelessness
• sleep problems
• poor appetite
• poor self-care habitats
• inability to communicate with the people you love
• any pattern of substance abuse

This is not an exhaustive list, but a list of indicators that you have reached the limit of your private suffering. Remember that suffering is always temporary but only alleviated by transforming it into a path of self-acceptance.

There is no shame in surviving male depression, and only through connection can we survive. If you are becoming concerned – about yourself or someone else – take stock, reach out, speak out, and make that life-saving connection.

Editor’s Note: If you are having a mental health crisis, feel suicidal, or believe a loved one is, call or text 988 to get in touch with the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

About the author

Alex Stadler is a licensed clinical social worker, a mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapist in private practice, and a mental health consultant to numerous NYC human services agencies.

Male depression photo: © Monkey Business / Adobe Stock.

If you have suicidal thoughts, emotional distress, or a substance-use issue, help is now only a three-digit number away: call or text 988.

The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, introduced nationally in mid-July, replaces the 11-digit National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number. Authorities hope the easy-to-remember shortcut — similar to using 911 for medical or public safety emergencies — helps more people reach trained counselors in a moment of need.

More than 1.2 million people attempted to kill themselves in 2020, resulting in nearly 46,000 deaths, according to the most recent statistics from the national Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. This makes suicide the 12th leading cause of death in the United States. The suicide rate among men is nearly four times that of women.

The COVID-19 pandemic contributed significantly to increases in depression and anxiety, especially among teens and young adults in the United States, according to the American Psychological Association. Suicide is now the second-leading cause of death for people ages 10 to 14 and 25 to 34.

City Dads Group has long supported the cause of improving mental-health care among men, especially fathers.

How does 988 work? 

Calls and texts to 988 are routed to a mental health professional at one of the more than 200 crisis centers in the U.S. 988 network. (This hotline can also be reached through a chat feature on the hotline’s website.) Callers are routed to a center closest to their phone number’s area code.

A mobile crisis team of mental-health experts and peer-support counselors will be dispatched if a person needs more help. Mental-health or residential facilities may also be contacted for longer-term care and support.

Unlike 911, no ambulances, police or firefighters will be automatically dispatched to the caller’s location. “The vast majority of those seeking help from the Lifeline do not require any additional interventions at that moment. Currently, fewer than 2% of Lifeline calls require connection to emergency services like 911. … [T]he 988 coordinated response is intended to promote stabilization and care in the least restrictive manner.,” states a government FAQ about the 988 website.

The change to 988 is part of a $282 million federal effort to increase suicide prevention and crisis care work, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

“If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.”
– Carol Dweck

In the spirit of Carol Dweck’s quote, it is important to address the role of parent-teacher associations (PTAs) in today’s schools because they can exponentially improve prevention of depression, anti-social behavior and suicide among children.

Our kids, ages 8 and 14, have been through several schools in the past five years. This is because of our family’s relocation from the United States to Hong Kong in 2012 and our subsequent return here in 2017. Our eldest, in particular, just finished an academic year at his sixth school.

Like most parents, my wife and I feel very invested in our kids’ future. We demonstrate this through engagement with their schools’ PTA. This engagement includes monetary contributions, serving as chaperones during trips, “mystery reader” appearances, and participation in social functions. We both are very keen observers of human behavior and enjoy every opportunity to do this. Observing PTA activities is of great interest to us — especially of late because we can see a huge change in the needs of children, both in education and in parenting. Mindful of this change, we are alarmed by the shallowness of PTAs as a function in today’s schools.

Everywhere you turn, conversations about depression, social-emotional difficulties and suicide among children are trending. If you are raising a teen, the Netflix show 13 Reasons Why, which centers on audio tapes a high school suicide victim left her to explain her killing herself, has probably entered your awareness lately. Psychologists are raising concerns about the effects of tech-related dopamine addiction and its correlation with all aforementioned issues. The intersection of parenting and education is exactly where experts are pointing relative to problems as well as solutions.

Sadly, PTAs — located at the same intersection — don’t provide sensible solutions through cooperation between parents and teachers or introduction of third-party resources.

While collectively achieved framework and methodology are needed, a simple change for the better can start with a very simple name amendment – from “Association” to “Ambassadors.”  The level of bureaucracy in this is minimal because decisions stay at an individual school level.

Why “Ambassadors”?  Because this function corresponds with three important objectives:

• awareness
• accountability
• action

Being an ambassador into minds of our children will help communicate care, congruence and closeness. It will also help reframe the function of a PTA from shallow facilitation of events and fundraising to a circle of support and protection – where our children could turn to for meaningful resources.

Why resources? Because it is naive to assume all kids turn to their parents and teachers for support. Often, they seek that among peers and external influencers. What ambassadors could do is understand children’s needs, interests and concerns and, in cooperation with educators, offer genuine help with developing social-emotional skills and overall resilience – sometimes by using their own abilities and occasionally seeking help from third parties.

To conclude, my wife and I genuinely believe that a PTA can disrupt some of the core threats to children’s well-being. They just need to transform from stagnant “Associations” to proactive “Ambassadors.” Let’s reframe our thinking and actions!

Here are some resources for consideration of Parent Teacher Ambassadors:

• Social Thinking
• The Mehrit Centre: Shanker Self-Reg
• Carol Dweck: A Summary of The Two Mindsets And The Power of Believing That You Can Improve
• Video: Teaching for Adaptability, Richard Davidson

Author’s note: This article was co-writing with my wife, Dalia.  

Editor’s Note: This review by Josh Bellish of our Portland Dads Group is for the Netflix StreamTeam. If you or someone you know is in danger, please visit www.13reasonswhy.info to find out more about suicide prevention.

If you haven’t heard about 13 Reasons Why on Netflix yet, or you just don’t believe the hype I implore you to check it out. Rarely have I watched anything that was so powerful, moving and relevant.

Hannah Baker (played by Katherine Langford), a high school junior, has committed suicide and left a series of 13 tapes to explain the reasons for her decision. Each tape is about a different person and the event(s) that influenced her choice. You watch flashbacks from Hannah’s perspective as well as current events as the character Clay Jensen (Dylan Minnette) listens to the tapes. You also watch the struggles each of the 13 people face in light of their involvement and the devastation the parents of Hannah suffer as they learn why their daughter killed herself.

The strong, profound public reaction to 13 Reasons Why, based on the 2007 novel by Jay Asher, comes from its character relatability and head-on approach to bullying, sexual assault and suicide. Several scenes will make viewers uncomfortable, and that is the whole point. 13 Reasons Why clearly wants us to take our heads out of the sand and show a series of events, some seemingly harmless, can empty someone of their desire to continue with life.

Keep several thing in mind when watching 13 Reasons Why:

• While each character’s actions influenced Hannah’s decision, some were not necessarily malicious acts. The 13 Reasons Why writers do a good job showing the “why” behind each event. You can’t help but feel bad for some of these kids and their own personal struggles.
• Even the worst offender, whose actions are unforgivable, has things going on in his life that — once you get past the feelings of disgust — you could empathize with.
• Hannah is also imperfect. Her own actions create some of her hardship and that bothered me at first. I asked myself how she could blame this person when she is also at fault. And that is exactly the point. Life is a series of events influenced by many people. She recognized some of the fault also fell on her at times but that doesn’t change how they can empty you.

Make sure that you also watch the accompanying Behind the Reasons episode with every showing. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, I would not recommend watching this show as it might be too graphic or contain triggers. I would also caution anyone under the age of 13 from watching this and recommend that anyone under 18 watch this with an adult.

As someone who struggled with many of the same issues dealt with in 13 Reasons Why, I would ask you to use this as an opportunity to reflect on your own every day interactions with people.

Think about how those seemingly harmless comments or jokes might not be so harmless under the right circumstances.

Ask yourself what message you send to your kids when you comment on someone’s looks.

Talk to your kids about sexual consent and what it truly looks like, such as not saying “no” is not the same thing as saying “yes.”

Ask your kids if they see any similarities between the events in this show and the things they see at school or online every day. Discuss that not all secrets should be kept. Provide a safe place free of judgement or blame for them to talk about how they are feeling.

Most important of all, learn to be kind to each other. If any character in 13 Reasons Why had done something different, had one person looked outside their own personal struggles to see Hannah’s, then she might not have done what she did. This truth is not just in a show, it happens to the people we see every day.

Netflix recently brought teens and parents together to discuss their relationship, something that also plays a role in 13 Reasons Why:

Disclosure: City Dads Group is part of the Netflix #SteamTeam. All opinions are the author’s.

If I couldn’t contribute to my family, couldn’t care for my daughter, then I shouldn’t be here anymore. I started writing a letter to my wife and children.

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As summer neared its end, it appeared no teaching positions would be available for me in the Chicago public school system that upcoming year. I had to look at my options.

I relished the fact that no full-time job meant I would be able to take my daughter to her first day of kindergarten, help out at her school and pick her up every day. I picked up odd jobs here and there to help us out financially but, little by little, our savings were dwindling.

Things were good, but not being able to provide like I used to began to get the best of me. My mood began shifting. I started to keep a lot of things to myself, going into a deep funk that I thought I had a handle on. Depression never really leaves you, you just get good at hiding it from others. Or at least I did.

I feel like I’ve been suffering from depression since junior year in high school. I didn’t know it was depression back then, I just thought I was moody. As I got older and started reading more about it, I realized I was depressed but felt ashamed about feeling this way. I hid it from my family and friends and tried my best to not let it get the best of me. Even as an adult, I have been hiding it but being unemployed brought it on even more.

As the next summer came, I again was on the job hunt. My wife was the only one working and my daughter would always cry when we had to drop off her mom in the morning. It would become a normal routine: She would cry on the ride to and back, and once we got home she would return to normal.

One morning was different.

I was depressed about facing another year of unemployment. The constant calls from debt collectors were taking a toll on me. That morning my daughter’s cries were too much for me to handle. The entire ride home she screamed and yelled she wanted her mother and I tried soothing her, as I did in the past, by telling her “Mom will be home soon” and “She will call you when she gets a break at work.”

It seemed everything I told her was being drowned out by her cries. I knew once we got home she would relax and play with her toys like nothing was wrong, but like I said, that morning was different. She kept crying and said she wanted to go to her grandparents’ house (my in-laws). As much as I tried soothing her, nothing worked. I caved in and called my in-laws.

The crying stopped as soon as she was picked up.

The letter I never finished

What kind of father was I if I could not take care of my own daughter? What did it say to my in-laws that my daughter did not want to spend the day at home with her dad because she missed her mom?

That moment pushed me to the edge.

If I could not contribute to my family like I wanted to, I decided I should not be here anymore. I grabbed my notebook and pen, and started writing a letter to my wife and children.

The tears soon began flowing from my eyes. I started feeling ashamed about having these thoughts, but I still felt that it was the best thing to do.

I got as far as writing down my wife’s name before I couldn’t write anymore.

When you are a stay-at-home dad, most of the people you would normally reach out to for help are not around during the day. They are at their jobs. As I sat near my laptop sobbing, I decided to reach out to my fellow dad bloggers online just to talk to someone. I needed to get these thoughts out of my head.

As soon as I hit the navy blue “Post” button, they started messaging me. A few sent me the suicide prevention hotline information, so I went to that website to “talk” to someone. It was strange how I did not want to talk to one of these counselors, but I felt comfortable reaching out to my brothers about what was troubling me.

The funny thing about having a virtual “suicide prevention chat” — it would take four to five minutes for the person on the hotline to respond to my typed answers. The dad bloggers I talked with online were giving me feedback or advice instantly.

I call those guys my “brothers” because that is exactly what they are. I grew up with two older sisters and all my cousins were female. Being a part of the dad bloggers community creates bonds that are kind of hard to describe, but when I finally met some of these guys in person at a conference in February 2015, there was no awkwardness there.

We all know about each other’s families and jobs from our blogs and Facebook posts. We were all connected. From guys who just started writing online to those who have thousands of followers, we are all striving for the same thing: To change the world’s perceptions of dads. I am extremely thankful for these guys and wish there was a way I could repay all of them for helping me through this really bad moment in my life.

The journey back

I talked to my wife about what happened later that night. I threw out the letter because I did not want that reminder in my life. I decided I needed to seek some sort of help. The thought of seeing a psychologist scares me, but it is something that I must do to get better.

I still have my dark days. I don’t think they will go away, but I try to not show it in front of my kids. I used to hide my depression from 8-to-4 when I was at work. It’s a little different when you are home all day with your children and have to put it aside until they go to sleep.

I have been fortunate to start getting a few paid online posts for my blog. That helps out a little, but we still have our days when things get tough financially. I am now working two jobs that I enjoy, but I would love to be in front a classroom again or have a regular 9-to-5.

Lately, the song “1 of 4” by Aesop Rock has been playing on repeat in my head. This song talks about his battle with depression and encapsulates what I have been going through. As I previously stated I can not thank my brothers enough for what they did for me, but these words are just the beginning.

“I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back,
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have scoped this out from all angles multiple times
I have been over everything in my head, still I can’t think anymore
But I guess sometimes, when you can’t breathe,
there are people there to breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die
Thank you for helping me to not die”

Suicide Prevention Help

If you ever have suicidal thoughts or are battling with depression, seek out help and remember that your life has meaning in this world. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline offers 24/7/365 help through its website, www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org, or over the phone at 800-273-TALK (8255)

A version of this first appeared on FanDads. Photo: PdPics

It’s Movember again, and City Dads Groups across the country again are supporting the campaign to bring awareness and funding to research and treatment of men’s health issues, both mental and physical.

Dr. Sally Spencer-Thomas joins us on the Modern Dads Podcast to discuss suicide prevention and the Carson J. Spencer Foundation, on organization she co-founded after her brother took his own life in 2004. She talks about the suicide prevention programs they run to reach men in most need of support and least likely to seek it. She also talks about how dad communities like ours can be part of the solution.

** Listen to our suicide prevention podcast now **

The suicide rate increased 33 percent from 1999 through 2017, from 10.5 to 14 suicides per 100,000 people, according to the National Centers for Health Science. Rates have increased more sharply since 2006. Suicide ranks as the fourth leading cause of death for people ages 35 to 54, and the second for 10- to 34-year-olds. It remains the 10th leading cause of death overall.

Men of all ages are more likely than women to commit or attempt suicide with the likelihood of men committing suicide being close to four times more than that of women. Suicide rates in the US have been on a constant rise in the last thirty years. With 28.9 deaths per 100,000 people, Montana has the highest suicide rate in the US according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

White people in the US have recorded the highest rates of suicide at 14.7% followed by Native Americans at 10.9%, Hispanics at 6.3%, Asians, and Pacific Islanders at 5.9% with the lowest rates being among black Americans at 5.5%. Firearms are the most used methods in suicide with 49.9% of the deaths, followed by suffocation at 26.7%, and poisoning at 15.9% other methods contribute to 7.5% of the deaths. Due to the stigma associated with suicide, most of the cases go unreported. Suicide rates in the US have increased by 24% in last fifteen years from 10.5 to 13.0 persons in 100,000 persons.

You may also be interested in listening to these other Modern Dads Podcasts about Movember and men’s health issues:

• Dads Dealing with Depression
• A Focus on Men’s Health with Dr. Jed Diamond
• Refuel Your Manhood with Dr. John LaPuma