Three leading fatherhood organizations are undertaking a yearlong “No Dad Alone” campaign to help more fathers find support and an understanding community.

Fathering Together, of which City Dads Group is a part, The National At-Home Dad Network and Fathers Eve will cross-promote each other’s work to amplify information, resources and events available to dads through each entity. The groups plan to use their organizations’ platforms, including social media, newsletters, blogs and podcasts. The three organizations combined have more than 180,000 followers on various popular social media channels.

“The No Dad Alone campaign aims to address the ever-growing stats surrounding men’s health, specifically, the negative stigmas and untrue portrayals of fathers in the home and beyond,” said Cordan James, executive director of Fathering Together. “The web of resources this collaborative provides will instantly increase the positive impacts of fathers. It will also give people language to address, engage and support fathers in need and elevate the spirit of fatherhood.”

No Dad Alone arose, in part, from increasing U.S. media attention to male loneliness, particularly among fathers. Societal pressures about maintaining traditional masculinity (for example, remaining strong, stoic and independent in difficult times) and fewer resources and attention devoted to helping dads as opposed to moms contribute to these issues.

“Fathers are often isolated and they are not always sure what to do or how to alleviate it,” said John Francis, a co-organizer of the Twin Cities Dad Group and founder of Fathers Eve. “I think this campaign brings awareness to an important issue many guys have trouble with.”

Keith Nagel, president of The National At-Home Dad Network, said, “By highlighting and showcasing each of our organizations’ great work, we can create and build a much larger network of support for all our dads than we could individually. We hope to make other dads aware of our support offerings while connecting our members with ones we don’t provide.”

The ambitious campaign, using the social media hashtag #NoDadAlone, starts Father’s Day weekend 2024 to the following one in 2025. A key kickoff and celebratory ending point will be the annual Fathers Eve celebrations those weekends.

“From my work in the fatherhood area for the last dozen or so years, I see lots of people and groups doing good things to try to help their audience or their local market, but I don’t see a lot of connectivity,” Francis said. “They’re great guys all doing good work. When we work together I know we will make a much larger impact on this important issue.”

About the No Dad Alone organizers

Each organization involved in No Dad Alone has embarked on similar, though separate, missions to provide support and community to dads. At various times, each has worked with the other on a campaign or event.

The National At-Home Dad Network was established in 2003, initially under the name Daddyshome Inc. The first national nonprofit for at-home dads, it focuses on advocacy, education and support for families with fathers as primary caregivers. The network offers a variety of online communities, webinars and virtual opportunities to connect throughout the year. Its annual conference for at-home fathers, HomeDadCon, marks its 28th year this October with a three-day event in St. Louis.

Since 2012, Fathers Eve has gathered groups of dads — formally or informally in public or private spaces — the night before Father’s Day to celebrate each other and the joys and challenges of fatherhood. The event, held in dozens of U.S. towns and cities, lets dads offer support to each other and help foster a positive fathering environment. It culminates in a toast, in person and online, at 8 p.m. local time in each U.S. time zone.

Fathering Together started with the “Dads with Daughters” Facebook group in 2018. It quickly grew to have more than 125,000 followers supporting each other’s efforts to be great fathers. In 2020, the founders created the current nonprofit. It offers Facebook communities, a podcast, and a variety of webinars and resources supporting dads.

City Dads Group began in 2008 as a playgroup for at-home dads and their children in New York City. It now consists of groups of fathers who meet, with and without their kids, in 40 cities across the United States and one in Canada. City Dads Group merged with Fathering Together in 2023.

Did you know that what we call the “fall colors” of leaves are actually their glorious “true” colors? The leaves don’t change to new colors in autumn but instead revert to their original colors. I learned this years ago when my oldest daughter asked why the leaves change color.

As a way to bond (and hide my ignorance), I suggested we search the internet together for information. We found that, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, “the four primary pigments that produce color within a leaf are chlorophyll (green); xanthophylls (yellow); carotenoids (orange); and anthocyanins (reds and purples). During the warmer growing seasons, leaves produce chlorophyll to help plants create energy from light. The green pigment becomes dominant and masks the other pigments. … As days get shorter and nights become longer … the fading green allows a leaf’s true colors to emerge, producing the dazzling array of orange, yellow, red and purple pigments we refer to as fall foliage.”

Equipped with this knowledge, we annually observe the emergence of fall colors differently. It’s a richer, more wonder-filled experience for our family. I thought of this phenomenon and its relationship to parenting while reading Alexandra Horowitz’s recent book, On Looking: A Walker’s Guide to the Art of Observation.

In the book, Horowitz takes 11 neighborhood walks with different experts to experience the same scenes with different eyes. The results are remarkable. Horowitz realizes “I had become a sleepwalker on the sidewalk. What I saw and attended to was exactly what I expected to see” and nothing else.

From a geologist, she learns “limestone, a popular building material, is full of the shells, remains, and other traces of ancient animals. … Taking this in, my view of the street was entirely changed: no longer was it passive rock; it was a sea graveyard.” From a field naturalist, she learns “even when you see no bugs before you, even when the ground looks still and the air looks clear, they are there.”

Learn through how children observe the world

Most relevant to parenting is what Horowitz learns about observation from her 19-month-old son. For him, a walk is “an investigatory exercise that begins with energy and ends when (and only when) exhausted.” An infant “has no expectations, so he is not closed off from experiencing something anew.” Also, the relative absence of language enables very young children to “sense the world at a different granularity, attending to parts of the visual world we gloss over; to sounds we have dismissed as irrelevant.”

Horowitz views a child’s acquisition of language in paradoxical terms. She acknowledges that language is key to a child’s development and navigation of the world. Hence, language could be compared to the necessary green pigment that fosters growth on leaves. But Horowitz also laments that the naming of objects in a child’s environment gradually limits his or her ability to observe and perceive additional aspects — or what might be called the environment’s true (and masked) colors — more fully.

She notes the bittersweet onset of language for her growing toddler. “I knew I did not have long before words, enablers of thoughts but also stealers of idiosyncrasies, muted his theatricality. And so our family had together created a fluid vocabulary of expressions, facial and bodily, that could be applied to a new situation,” she writes.

This poignant passage no doubt triggers every parent’s memories of those infant-to-toddler days when sounds were not yet words. One of my daughters at that age would repeat the sound “ta-doo” in varying tones. For weeks the family tried to discern the meaning of the sound. Then, one day, an older cousin simply said: “Maybe it just means ‘ta-doo.’” Somehow that settled the debate.

Improve your observational skills  

Every parent also remembers entertaining formulations from their children’s early language days. My older daughter once told me: “Dad, I’m a little bit big and a little bit little.” My younger daughter once wrote in her journal: “My dad has hair on both sides of his head and nothing in the middle.” That last one burned a little bit.

Selective attention is necessary for life, but parents should try not to narrow their attention too rigidly. Follow the example of very young children before language development. Try to maintain an open mind that does not allow habit and expectation to become blinders that restrict understanding.

A great way to embody this message might be a family nature walk this fall. Slow down and inspect the surroundings together. Keep a sense of wonder about all that reveals itself — like those “true colors” in the trees that the pandemic cannot cancel. Try to keep seeing the world with fresh, unmasked eyes.

Observe autumn photo: © Volodymyr / Adobe Stock.

If you have teen daughters, you may be very familiar with eye rolls. You may also have frequent moments of frustration, confusion, and a feeling of irrelevance. But fear not. A new book by Kimberly Wolf says an eye roll means you’re engaged in your daughter’s life. This can foster her confidence immensely in her adolescent years.

In Talk with Her: A Dad’s Essential Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident, and Capable Daughters, Wolf writes “if your daughter shuts you down, that means you are right where you need to be: present in her life. It may seem like she’s not listening to you, but she can hear you, and that’s what matters most.”

Wolf’s book is about “finding your own father-daughter communication style,” which can become trickier during the teen years. She encourages dads to look for common interests with their daughters and “facilitate shared screen-free experiences.” These, she writes, naturally lead to healthy conversations. Examples include playing sports and board games together, hiking, cooking, making art or volunteering.

Wolf recommends dads and daughters try to “bond over wellness.” For example, one father she interviewed runs with his daughter but they have a “no-headphone rule.”  The result is “a compound bonding opportunity, incorporating discussion, connecting over shared interests, and setting a positive fatherly example” of self-care. In a similar way, my teen daughters and I have bonded over biking. Our rides have produced many fruitful conversations.

Some conversations are harder than others

Granted, sometimes dads and daughters need to have difficult conversations to address conflicts. In these situations, Wolf recommends deciding on a time and a time limit.

“Having a start and stop time can help you consciously contain conflict, compartmentalize the conversation, and move forward with the rest of your day,” she writes.

This strategy can also be helpful when stressful topics like the college admission process need to be addressed. In our house, we came to an agreement that the time for those discussions was on Sunday nights. If I brought up the topic outside that schedule, I risked an eye roll.

Two difficult conversations that Wolf feels dads are especially well-equipped to have with teen daughters involve over-apologizing and insufficient boundaries.

“It’s important that we catch girls if we think they are being unnecessarily apologetic, overly people-pleasing, or sacrificing their own feelings and needs for others,” she writes. Wolf laments the “nice girl narrative” because it can make girls wary of setting boundaries or taking time for themselves.

“Kindness is usually an excellent value to emphasize to your daughter, but she needs to know that if a relationship or dynamic doesn’t suit her, it’s OK to set a respectful boundary and move on,” she writes

“Converse” by writing cover letters together?

One of Wolf’s most intriguing suggestions for dads of teen daughters is simple: “Write some cover letters with her.”

She recommends beginning the process as early as 8^th grade. “Highlighting our best personal qualities doesn’t always come naturally, and we can never get too much practice talking up our strengths,” Wolf writes.

Upon first reading, I balked at this idea. It seemed like it would add pressure to teen girls already stressed out about grades and the college admission process. But Wolf’s point is that simply the practice of girls thinking about both their academic and non-academic skills — and how they could communicate them — can be invaluable to their self-confidence.

Wolf suggests a girl could consider a dream position and write a cover letter that “references skills she currently holds that would qualify her to be a productive team member.” Along the way, her dad could point out qualities she may be overlooking about herself. Ironically, many of those personal traits were likely discovered during those “bonding over wellness” conversations that happened in the past.

Personal, moral confidence through cover letters

Another way to think about the cover letter idea is to make multiple cover letters together. These would be not only academic and professional ones but also personal and moral ones. For example, help your daughter think about what experiences and milestones have shaped her life so far. And how has her identity grown over time? In larger terms, who is she, and how does she know that? Such reflections go far beyond the usual listing of accomplishments needed for high school and college applications. They often turn into fodder for application essays and job interviews in the future.

It’s important for dads to remember that, as Wolf explains, research suggests “women self-promote and self-advocate less often than men do.” Dads of teen daughters can help change that by fostering what I would call “cover letter confidence” that no one can take away. In other words, talk with her for sure, but also write with her.

Fittingly, Wolf ends her book with the voices of teen girls providing advice for eye-roll-suffering dads.

One girl notes: “It takes time and patience to develop that strong relationship with your daughter, but once it is there, it stays.” Another gives a simple but helpful reminder about how dads can build their daughters’ confidence: “Make sure you tell us when you’re proud.”

Photo: ©be free  / Adobe Stock.

To help parents, particularly fathers, build better relationships with their teenage children and prepare them for adulthood, City Dads Group has become a “mission partner” with The Center for Parent and Teen Communication.

The center promotes the health, character and well-being of adolescents through education, research and advocacy. Its mission is helping parents raise teens “prepared to thrive,” according to its website.

“Adolescence is a time of opportunity and parents matter more than ever,” the mission statement reads. “We strive to ensure every caring adult has the knowledge and skills to promote positive youth development and foster strong family connections.”

Resources to improve parent, teen communication

Based at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, CPTC offers a comprehensive website at www.parentandteen.com. It features articles and videos for teens and parents on communications strategies, growth and development, and building character.

These resources include:

• An email newsletter with parenting advice. You can sign up to receive it daily or weekly at https://bit.ly/3p7dkFm
• “Parenting in 100 Words” — bite-sized parenting tips that are easy to remember and put into action. Read them at https://bit.ly/3Hj6ZwC
• Personalized stress management plans for teens. It’s available at https://bit.ly/3t0eaVr
• Content addressing the unique stressors faced by families of color that builds on cultural strengths. This “Culturally Responsive Parenting” information is found at https://bit.ly/3hbNTOe
• Daily insights, articles, and helpful tidbits on its Facebook, Twitter and Instagram social media channels

City Dads Group co-founder Matt Schneider, a father of two teen boys, will serve as the liaison with CPTC.

“The Center for Parent and Teen Communication offers practical, actionable, and relevant advice. It comes in a variety of formats I know our dads of tweens and teens in our community will find useful,” Schneider said. “For example, I love reading a tip in my email in the morning then bringing it up around the dinner table that evening.”

The City Dads Group network has chapters in most major metropolitan areas in the United States and one in eastern Canada. Members get together, with and without their children, to socialize with, learn from, and support one another.

Improving parenting skills to meet fathers’ needs

CPTC Executive Director Dr. Jill Baker said City Dads Group will aid their efforts to explore “specific parenting needs of fathers of teens.”

“Scientific literature shows that fathers are just as influential as mothers regarding their teens’ decisions about health,” Baker said. “Fathers want to have close, impactful and positive relationships with their teen children. But dads are often left out when it comes to developing and implementing resources that can enhance their parenting communication and overall positive parenting skills.”

Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, founder and program director of The Center for Parent and Teen Communication, said, “Loving, involved dads help our children know they are worthy of being loved and deserving of our focused attention. When we serve as role models, they imagine who they could be as adults. When we love them without condition — for who they really are — they gain the security that enables them to launch into a successful adulthood.” 

Ginsburg, a pediatrician at the children’s hospital, specializes in “social adolescent medicine.” This field places special attention on prevention and recognition that social context and stressors impact physical and emotional health. He has written several award-winning parenting books, including Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings which he discussed on our Modern Dads Podcast. Ginsburg also has a forthcoming book, Congrats – You’re Having a Teen!: Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good Person.

“We all know how much we matter as parents when our children are small. After all, they rely on us for their very survival. But as our children grow more independent, a central question of parenting is ‘Do I still matter?’ The answer is a resounding YES!,” he said.

Parent and teen communication photo: ©LIGHTFIELD STUDIOS / Adobe Stock.

My wife, two teen daughters and I used to enjoy watching What Not to Wear together several years ago. The show would document the transformation of an unfashionable person who agreed to let two style experts reinvent his or her wardrobe.

On my less successful parenting days, I remember thinking a show called What Not to Say (To Your Kids) might have similar appeal. Turns out, a new book covers some of this ground in helpful ways.

What Do You Say? How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home, by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, begins by acknowledging the COVID-19 pandemic radically increased the amount of time parents and children spend together. More face-to-face conversations are usually good, but not if parents speak with their children in unhealthy ways.

The authors declare healthy parent-child communication is built upon a strong connection established via “individual time [together], proximity, shared interests, and family rituals.” For parents, there is no short cut. “We all have to do the slow, intentional, and transformative work required for connection” if we want our children to feel loved unconditionally, they write.

Empathy essential to parent-child communication

The authors recommend a four-step process for parents to respond with empathy to a child in distress. Significantly, the first two do not involve saying a word. Start by staying calm while thinking of your kids’ strong emotions as a great opportunity to connect. Second, try to “understand and accept rather than judge; be curious rather than accusatory” as you listen.

After these silent steps, “reflect and validate” your child’s feelings. This should be followed by exploring the issue through follow-up questions. The authors explain that “language that communicates careful listening when kids have strong emotions is similar to paraphrasing — but in a way that signals we are trying to understand children’s feelings.” A helpful acronym from psychologist Eran Magen is WIG (“What I Got”). Examples of WIG scripts include: “What I got from what you said …” and “Let me see if I’m understanding …”

Validating language is similar. However, it must add the message that you see why your child feels like way and that feeling is normal. Examples of validation include phrases like “that must have been hard for you” and “I’d be scared, too.” After children feel heard and accepted, they are much more likely to engage in problem-solving collaboratively with a parent or, ideally, by themselves.

Don’t follow validation with a lack of trust

Parents often falter, however, at this moment of problem-solving. How? By rushing in with criticism, nagging or “I told you so”! But those scripts are “what not to say.”

Instead, the authors recommend acting as a trusting, “non-anxious presence” or “consultant” who says as little as possible, giving the child space to brainstorm. They acknowledge this requires restraint. “It makes you feel better to engage, solve the problem, reassure, or somehow make the child feel better,” they write. But “zipping your lip is a way of signaling it’s not your life — it’s theirs.”

Granted, parents can always collaborate with a child on problem-solving, but advice should be suggested, not forced. As Stixrud and Johnson explain, “The long-term impacts of parental overcontrol for kids include anxiety, perceived incompetence, a heightened belief that the world is a frightening place, and an inability to withstand stress. So parents: while it’s not easy to sit on your hands, do it anyway. One parent, who was trying to be less controlling of her teenaged children, said that her daughter told her, ‘I love you, Mom, and I can see that this is hard for you. I’m going to give you permission to trust me.’”

Ah, trust. Yes, a lack of trust in the child (and a fear for his or her future) is often at the root of a parent’s unhealthy scripts. But Stixrud and Johnson have a suggestion.

“Take the generous position that even though your child is in distress, this distress represents their best effort right now — and that’s okay,” they write. “Every misstep doesn’t have to be a teaching moment.” Consider that when a baby is in distress, we investigate the causes without criticism, judgment or nagging. Why don’t we do the same for older children?

So the next time your child is in distress, think about listening more and saying less. As the authors note, “words matter … but words are not everything. Warmth, connection, and affection still remain the best gestures to offer your child, and they require no words at all.” That kind of parenting will never go out of fashion.

“Scripts” photo: © New Africa / Adobe Stock.

I knew I was struggling to get my excitement level to where I thought it needed to be as I was preparing to become a father of two. And even though I allowed room to give myself some grace, it still bothered me that I wasn’t bouncing off the walls with enthusiasm for our baby girl’s arrival.

Was there something wrong with me and my approach this go ‘round? Had I changed that much in the nearly three years since I first became a dad? Was this par for the course?

I needed to talk to someone — preferably some guys who’d been in my shoes before.

I reached out to some dad friends with multiple kids to see if what I was feeling — or not feeling — sounded familiar. And for them to talk me off the ledge of the anxiety I was experiencing.

Scrolling through my phone, I was pleasantly surprised at how many names I saw who fit the description of who and what I was looking for. And sure enough, of the few I reached out to, all of them assured me my struggle was common the second and even the third time around.

“You know things now that used to be unknown. There are not many mysteries with this one,” one friend told me. “But once the baby gets here, the joy is the same.”

That piece of advice, along with some other gems I received, has helped me as my wife and I are now less than 10 weeks away from our Christmas Day due date. I’ve accepted the fact I’m not less of a father because this pregnancy process doesn’t look the same as the first. I understand that, in many ways, the responsibilities I have as a parent of an exuberant toddler supersede the immediate feelings that come with the preparation of a newborn.

Community comes through

The value of community in fatherhood cannot be overstated. It corrects us when we’re wrong, lifts us when we’re down and advises us when we’re lost. It’s the shared experiences that make the fatherhood journey special.

That community doesn’t only exist among people you know, either. If I’m somewhere, and I see another dad struggling, the look we exchange lets him know I can relate. It’s something that only parents can understand. We understand that we can’t do this alone. Our village helps us raise our kids. As I’ve experienced, the support from my community has helped ease stress. It’s given me ideas on things I can do with my son that I hadn’t previously considered. It puts my mind at ease to know what I’m going through is not uncommon. I’m a better dad because of the support I receive from my village. My son and daughter will have an advantage in life because of the extended community that’s pouring into them through me.

I recognize my privilege. I’m fortunate to have friends who are parents and willing to lend advice. Some of those same friends were there for me when I was preparing to get married. Community is invaluable. In parenting and in life in general. If you have it, hold on to it. If you haven’t tapped into some form of community, find one as soon as you can. It will not only help your children, but it will help you become a better dad.

Photo: ©Stefano Garau /  Adobe Stock.

You know Chad. Every business in America has one.

Chad is the nice-looking, smiley, firm-hand-shaking, future C-level executive-to-be at your office. Chad is smart, but more than that, he has that “it” factor that propels him to the front of any promotion process. When you think about Chad, he seems more accomplished than pragmatically productive.

I am no Chad. I tried but have fallen short. I’m OK with it, mostly because after my wife and I started having kids, I realized I could set out to provide some lucky corporation a future Chad of my making. Yes, I’d raise my kids to be witty, quick, effective communicators who weren’t afraid of the big stage or bright lights. They would be built to dazzle any high powered, future boardroom – just like Chad.

Fifteen years into this parenting thing, though, my kids are no Chads.

Not only are my kids are not exuding the skills required, COVID-related changes to corporate America have me thinking that the Chad I knew in my young career will require a makeover to sustain his seat at the top.

The company I work for, like many, has been closed its offices to in-person working since mid-March 2020. Working remotely has ushered in a different skill set required to collaborate. While I talk to communication with colleagues via the phone, email and daily Zoom meetings, we are far more isolated than before. I had better get used to the isolation as many workplaces may have employees permanently work remotely as they harvest the productivity gains of employees’ evergreen availability and the savings on office space costs.

While I enjoy this new work-from-anywhere phenomenon, Chads may not. After all, there are no golf outings for them to rub shoulders with other C-level guys. Fewer opportunities exist for them to deliver a rousing lecture about next quarter’s sales outlook. Gone is their chance to leverage their off-the-charts charisma to make an executive-level first physical impression for new employees. Corporate Chads have been relegated to working in the connected-but-disconnected world where, to my chagrin, my kids feel most comfortable.

Will a nerd rule in a remote work culture?

Chads might find it strange that my kids:

• Rarely communicate with friends outside of group chats
• Only try to impress each other by shooting meaningless selfies back-and-forth via SnapChat
• Find normal curiosity – like asking a teacher for clarity after class — a waste of their time
• Would rather perform a Google search than ask another human for assistance
• “Socialize” in the isolation of their rooms via gaming consoles with (mostly) strangers
• Place far more value on the result (i.e., the letter grade) than the process (learning a concept by understanding test materials)
• Have no idea of that the “it” factor is — only surmising that “it” must involve the number of followers one has on Instagram

Instead of lamenting my inability to mold my children into a Chad, maybe their nerd view of the world, way of communicating, and flexibility in handling a global pandemic will redefine the successful professional of the future.

Might this be a real life “Revenge of the Nerds”?

If there is existential risk for the traditional Chad, should parents stop badgering our kids about their lack of social skills? In a world that requires more technical prowess than intrapersonal skill, should we care about kids’ communicating via choppy texts, selfies and cartoon emojis?

While I see the balance of technical and social skills to be shifting, I’m not ready to write Chad’s eulogy just yet. I still place value on my kids’ ability to have healthy relationships with people around them. We shouldn’t take for granted that our kids know how to foster traditional friendships. They are not around each other much anymore. More than ever, I’m pushing hard for my children to stay involved in activities outside of school. After all, activities are the only time our children are without a connected device during their waking hours from middle school on.

I’m learning to turn my attention from building Chads to re-emphasizing the importance of befriending humans in the world of IBM Watson. I struggle, though, with helping provide appropriate balance between technology and social skills.

I want my kids to have good, deep friendships with people around them. I want my kids to navigate rooms of strangers. I want my kids to use technology to bring this vast world closer. I want them to be as happy in public arenas as in their bedroom sniping strangers on Fortnite.

I’ve come to the realization that my kids won’t be Chads. That might not be such a bad thing.

Maybe kids, in general, are nerdier now. That said, I’ll stop short of saying that nerd qualities – like perceived social isolation and lack of charisma – will prevent them from becoming a solid contributor in their chosen field of work. Our kids may be successful because of (not despite) the things we worry most about: lack of face-to-face connection, inability to speak publicly, and more interest in virtual relationships.

We are living in a “Revenge of the Nerds” re-boot – one making today’s nerd tomorrow’s Chad.

Nerd photo: © chomplearn_2001  / Adobe Stock.

Communication — it’s the key to success in any relationship.

But sometimes communication is hardest with the people you know best, such as your children.

Los Angeles Dads Group co-organizer Trevor Mulligan interviewed several fathers at HomeDadCon 2017, the annual at-home dads convention held in Portland, Ore., this past September, and asked them for their advice on how to improve the dialogue between parent and child. Here is what they had to say:

Like all first time expecting parents, I knew everything. Not as much as people who don’t have kids, they’re the true experts. But one thing I knew for sure was that my children would be bilingual.

My wife and I are both sign language interpreters. Her parents are deaf. On top of that, we both have backgrounds in education and linguistics. We understood language acquisition. Our kids were going to learn American Sign Language (ASL). It was a no brainer.

“Oh! You should look into baby signs!” people would say to us when they found out our backgrounds.

This would be the cue for my wife and I to give each other a subtle look. “No,” we’d respond. “We’re just going to use regular ASL, like how children who grow up with ASL learn it.”

This usually lead to a short back and forth involving this neophyte explaining that baby signs were much easier for infants to pick up, us countering that baby signs are easier for parents and that all language is equally easy for babies to learn. After a couple minutes we’d lose our patience and politely find somewhere else to be. We knew what we were doing, and it wasn’t baby signs.

Fast-forward seven years. It turns out that raising bilingual kids is harder than I thought.

It’s difficult to want to use your second language at home

Basically, I didn’t have the fortitude to stick with it. There were three issues. One is easy to explain: I’m lazy. The second is tough to admit: as an interpreter I associated using ASL with work. Interpreting is mentally and physically exhausting, and after working long days I just didn’t have the mental energy to come home and process the world in my second language. For a child to acquire a language naturally they have to be exposed to it for long stretches. What I wanted at the end of the day was to cook dinner, have a beer, and just chill.

Even baby signs gets lost in translation

American Sign Language is not English. It isn’t based on English. It doesn’t want to be English. It is a separate and distinct language like any other, and as such it carries its own conversational norms. When I started teaching, interpreting my mentor helped me realize this through one sad fact: I’m not funny in sign language. This became an issue because my attempts to be clever in class were causing problems as my students weren’t getting it. The witty rapport and high-context conversations that many couples enjoy in one language also get lost in translation. The result is that the ways that my wife and I were accustomed to communicating didn’t work as well in ASL. Inside jokes or references to previous conversations were lost and created frustration.

I’m not as capable as a native sign language “speaker”

I understand that when you do something your whole life it becomes second nature, like Ted Williams hitting a baseball or a Justin Bieber having those haircuts. Deaf people have the ability to converse in ASL and do other things at the same time, like drive, or eat. I can’t do that. Trying get home after work and do the things that need to be done, like cooking and cleaning, proved impossible for me while trying to communicate to my family in ASL. I couldn’t spare the eye gaze to have meaningful conversations with my family. I might have been able to figure it out, but being a new parent in a new house and a new job had me flustered. I let that frustration overcome my desire to raise bilingual children.

The kids know we can hear them

This might be the biggest bilingual issue we had. Because we didn’t set the best foundation for them when they were babies they got used to hearing us and having us respond to them when they made sounds. During the stretches when we had the discipline to enact our bilingual program, the kids would simply reply to us in English. We could rarely convince them to try to reply in ASL, in part because it usually required us ignoring them until they tried signing through their tears.

The result of these failings has been that my two older children have a hate/love relationship with their second language of ASL. Until recently, they mostly hated our weekly sign language days at home and occasionally rebelled against it.

Our saving grace is that they adore their deaf grandparents. Nothing motivates them to sign like having my wife’s parents around. When they planned to stay with us when our third child was due, my son woke up on the morning they were arriving and said, “I can’t wait for grandma and grandpa to come so I can start learning sign language!” I died a little inside.

“Son,” I replied, “you could have been learning to sign this whole time and then you could just chat with them instead of having to start learning now.” He looked at me like I’d just suggested rearranging the furniture in his room. “THAT’S BEEN THE POINT ALL ALONG!!!!” I screamed silently in my head. But I knew it was really my fault he hadn’t taken to signing.

I’m happy to report my kids have gotten more into learning ASL as they’ve gotten older. It’s not how we planned it, but at least it’s happening. They don’t balk at ASL days now. They’re more willing to copy us and pick up new vocabulary. They’re getting better at using contextual clues to figure out what we’re saying to them.

We still have one baby left at our house, and she’s our last chance to raise a kid who is bilingual, who is comfortable with manual language from the start. She’s a year old now and starting to communicate well. Because this time I started with baby signs.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Roberto Santiago could never decide on a job so he endeavors to have all of them. He is a writer, teacher, sign language interpreter, rugby referee and stay-at-home dad. He writes about the intersections of family, sports and culture at An Interdisciplinary Life. 

Bilingual sign language photo credit: gfpeck via Foter.com / CC BY-ND

This blog entry is from newbie NYC Dads Group member, Phil Young, who had the privilege of bonding with his 7-month-old, Lucia, last week in a Baby Fingers American Sign Language class. Check out Phil’s review.

When I mentioned to people that I was taking Lucia, only 7 months old, to a sign language class, the response I received was of interest as well as puzzlement – why take a child who cannot even talk to a sign language course?

That is precisely the point of the class! A child who has not yet developed the ability to form words can recognize gestures, such as waving, and, in time, duplicate them. They can begin to do this from the age of about 6 months and as such, this can be an invaluable aid to communication between our babies and us!  Not to mention, and amazing bonding experience!

We participated in a parent and me American Sign Language Class with Baby Fingers, known as “a musical journey through language and learning.” The class was held in a pleasant room equipped with a few toys to help the little ones relax. Thea, our instructor, was very welcoming and immediately bonded with each child as they arrived. Beginning the class, we sang a welcome song, incorporating the signs for “hello” and “happy”. We then chose signs for each of our children’s names, using the first letter of their name plus a simple characteristic, and the welcome song was repeated, this time going around each child in turn and using their symbol.

We next learned to sign the song “Row, Row, Row Your Boat,” which was a real winner with my daughter, Lucia, as it is her favorite song. I have now shared the song (using signs) with her Mom and it will be passed on to her grandparents as well!
There was another song involving signs for animals, included in a read-aloud book reading which captured Lucia’s attention and was then encompassed into a dance ideal for those already walking. The session closed with Thea showing us baby sign language for some of the more commonly used words we needed to best communicate with our children … such as “food,” “drink,” “hungry,” “full,” “more,” and “diaper.”

Overall, Thea at Baby Fingers was a very engaging host. Our trial class involved kids of varying ages and I think the main challenge for her was how to involve kids of varying ages in our class at the same time. We all know there is a world of difference between a 6-month-old and an 18-month-old, so ideally, the class may have been better having children of similar ages.

In conclusion, I know signing is without a doubt very useful, and many children do use it before they can speak. Therefore, I look forward to using this powerful form of communication with my daughter. Thank you Baby Fingers for inspiring me!