Starting school was difficult for our family last year. Every morning for the first month my son Jake would seemingly break down when he got to the classroom, begging me not to leave. It broke my heart.

His teachers finally approached me and suggested he might do better if he had a consistent school-morning routine. At the time, we didn’t have one. Getting him ready for school was chaotic. So I developed a plan. He would wake up and go potty then have breakfast, get dressed and watch TV for a bit while we waited to walk out the door. Surely it would work.

It did for a while. Soon it turned back into chaos. Unfortunately, as a person with Tourette syndrome, I easily get frustrated. When facing an unexpected challenge, I can go from peaceful to rage in 2.4 seconds. And as always, frustration at home translated to a hard day at school for my son. I worried.

Finally, my wife reminded me of the unique connection I share with my son. We feed off each other’s moods. If I push, he pushes harder. If I were to loosen up and not be so rigid with his school morning routine, things might change for the better. Remain firm, yet flexible.

She was right. When I loosened the reins I found mornings became easier. When my son insisted on watching TV instead of getting dressed and having breakfast, I struck a bargain with him. Instead of forcing him into his room to get dressed before TV time, he could watch TV if he cooperates and gets dressed at the same time.

It also helped me to enter the school morning routine aware that he is not even yet 4 years old. It’s his job to push my buttons and I have to make sure he doesn’t get me riled up. His day at school depends on mornings with me being calm and peaceful. Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo: © Sidekick / Adobe Stock. This post first appeared on the NYC Dads Group blog in 2014.

“Ohhhh, turn it up! It’s Graduation Week!”

That was my message to my 4-year-old who was about to finish pre-kindergarten and to my 10-year-old who was graduating 5th grade. Yup, two in the same week!

Graduation Day will make any dad proud and, since my dad never made it to any of my graduations, it means even more to me. My dad never made it because he had to work. How many other parents are in that same situation? I understand some people can’t make it, but if you can make up for a lost day of wages and still choose your work or other things over an hour or two of showing love — that’s no bueno.

Kids can only graduate from a grade once, so missing it when you could be there is lame. It’s a proud moment that doesn’t happen every week, and you should never miss an event at which your child is the star. Pictures of this special day are cool, but being there is priceless.

Have fun with graduation

Graduation is supposed to be for the kids, but you know dads like me still have to have our own fun with it. We wake up every day and make sure our kids get to school, so we deserve this day as much as they do.

I found a deal for $5 “big heads” on Groupon and jumped on the opportunity. It was a simple and cheap process that brought us tons of fun and memories.

The look on my kids’ faces when they saw themselves as huge cardboard heads was insane. All their friends and parents smiled while asking where we got them from.

I’m a sucker for making my kids feel like stars and making sure I had fun with it helped big time.

Take lots of photos

We have all encountered rude parents who block your view and photo ops at graduation. Often they are so excited they don’t even know they are doing it. It is what it is.

If you have to get in someone’s way to take pics of your kids, do so but don’t be rude. Don’t just barrel people over. Think about what you are doing.

Whenever my kids got called for an award or even their diploma, I weaved my way to the front to take a picture. If you’re a little shy like me, you do need to get over it. If you don’t, you will end up with some wack photos.

I abide by the rule of asking for forgiveness later, not asking for permission to capture the moment. however, always make sure you don’t mess it up for someone else. Get out of the way once you have your shot.

In conclusion, graduations are special for everyone involved. Childhood goes by way too fast and you never get a replay of moments like these. Do all you can to be there, take dope pictures and have fun. You will thank yourself when you see how proud your kids are and the smiles on their faces when you hug them. That feeling is the best.

A version of this first appeared on Cool4Dads. It first ran here in 2019 and has since been updated. Photos: James Lopez family.

My dad has always been the type to give unique gifts for Christmas. For as long as I can remember, a personalized gift from him would be under the tree for every family member. It was his thing, and he enjoyed everyone’s reaction to what was in their special gift bag.

Last year, he gave me a photo album. He filled it with photos of me when I was a boy and some newspaper clippings of my various academic and athletic achievements during my teenage years. While I had seen most of the pictures, I appreciated having them in one location to look at whenever I felt nostalgic.

One of the photos I’ve always treasured is me on my very first day of school. That picture of a young lad back in 1987 is the only recollection I have of that rainy day. But every time I see it, I’m reminded of how far I’ve come in life and lets me know that time waits for no one. It certainly hasn’t for me.

So nearly 36 years later, I recently came back to that photo again. I came back to it because my son, Emory, was getting ready to start his journey in “big school.” While technically he’s “only” starting Pre-K, he will be in a regular school setting with kids all the way up through eighth grade. And here I was looking at that picture, representing the past and present of life. Things were coming full circle.

This dad journey I’ve been on since 2018 has been filled with an ongoing series of “firsts.” New experiences for both parent and child. That’s one of the really cool things about fatherhood. You get to share these exciting moments with your kids. Many of these bring you back to when you experienced them at their age – like the first day of school.

I have to admit I was probably way more excited than my son was leading up to and on his first day. With that excitement also came nerves and uncertainty. Had we picked the right school? Are the teachers good? Will Emory make friends? I realized that the root of my anxiousness and worry was just the desire I had for him to be able to create memories, make friends, and enjoy the experience of school like I did. While that photo of my first day of school is the only memory I have from that day, I do have other vivid memories of kindergarten. I remember my teacher, my classmates and nap time. I can still visualize the playground at the school.

As a dad, my hope is that I’m doing enough to prepare my kids for what they will face when they head out into the real world. Sure, it can be frustrating at times and you question yourself often, but the reward is seeing your children thrive when they step out from underneath your shadow.

For me, that moment came when I dropped my son off on Day Two of school. I watched him, in all his 4-year-old glory, walk confidently up the steps into his school, not even stopping once to turn back around and look.

It was a picture worth a thousand words.

First day of school photo by Jerry Wang on Unsplash

Nothing stresses out parents in New York City more than making a decision about where they send their kids to school. Between public schools, private schools, charter schools, and Gifted and Talented programs, parents in NYC have choices. Many, like NYC Dads Group member Edward Yau, are immersed in application processes, paperwork, and school tours. Enjoy this guest from Edward as he begins his search for the “right” Pre-K for his son.

I can barely believe it, but the time has come for our little boy to go to Pre-K. Sort of, he won’t be entering Pre-k for another 9 months or so we hope. I’m speaking in these vague and indecisive terms because not only is getting your child into a NYC Pre-K terrifying and difficult, it is not guaranteed!

This is our first time going through the process and I started at level zero with absolutely no knowledge at all about what I was getting myself into. I have learned many facts through many late nights of research over the past several months, such as:

• The New York City Department of Education (NYCDOE) only has enough seats for about 65-70% of all Pre-K applicants
• Neither Pre-K nor Kindergarten is required by state law, so the NYCDOE is not obligated to provide those services
• Private school admissions deadlines are normally well in advance of the NYCDOE admissions process, which doesn’t start sending offers until June.

What parent doesn’t want the best education for their child? As the multitude of front page articles would tell you, the question of what makes a school good is both an ardent topic of debate and highly political. On top of that, this island of Manhattan seems to be in its own world when it comes to neurotic parents doing whatever it takes to get their children into whatever is considered the “best” school. I won’t soon forget a Today Show episode where a guest was pontificating that her young child’s $38,000 per year tuition was worth every penny, because it meant she would get into the Ivy League.

Manhattan parents have this reputation that they just care about the image of their children getting the best schooling at the best schools. While this may be true for those that could afford a $38,000/yr tuition, for us, we just want our child to actually learn something. I don’t believe that paying through the nose in tuition is going to guarantee a good education. Both of us went through the public school system and this Ivy Leaguer and NYU alum didn’t do too badly. In addition, I don’t believe that a school’s test scores offer the full picture of what goes on there. Scoring well on a test could be a matter of knowing how to take the test, as opposed to actually knowing the subject matter. How much do you actually remember from all those exams you aced in school? I surely don’t remember the difference between mitosis and meiosis and I would have never graduated without Cliff Notes.

Take one of the schools we visited recently. This school in our district is present on almost every top list I found online in terms of math and english language scores. Their model of teaching follows a rigid Chinese style approach that tests like crazy and assigns a ton of homework. While we were touring the school, I felt myself breaking into a cold sweat as the Pre-K teacher was barking commands at her group of overwhelmed 4-yr olds. The memories of all those unpleasant Saturdays spent at Chinese school (where I didn’t learn a thing!) came rolling back. Obviously, this school is not our choice for our son, test scores be damned!

Unfortunately, short of visiting every school, one doesn’t have much to go on when it comes to evaluating them outside the state test scores and those pesky letter grades the NYCDOE assigns to every school in the city. I was quite demoralized for awhile, as the schools we could choose from mostly graded an overall “C” or worse. One school even scored a ZERO on its performance grade. That’s right, goose egg! How does one score nothing on a test? The thing I learned about these letter grades is that the NYCDOE uses a bunch of very subjective factors to come up with them. Statistics are a funny thing, work them hard enough and you will always find the answer you want. The worst part is that these letter grades are highly political and no one seems to want to talk about them. I had to grill at least three educators before I could get a straight answer about what these NYC grades mean. My conclusion was to take the letter grades with a grain of salt and to compare them against the actual state score results. Then take a tour! There is nothing like a little face time to get to know a place. Talking to other parents also makes a big difference and the tour is a good place to do it. It was also great to see just as many Dads as Moms on these tours!

We believe in the public school system. Ideally, we’d like to get our son into a school where he could continue through 5th grade or later. We do fear the worst in that our son could potentially not be accepted to any Pre-K at all. But out of principal alone, we won’t be throwing away deposit money by entering him into a private program that he might not attend. Never mind the money, we could be selfishly taking a spot from someone else that really wants it. Sure, some may think that we’re gambling with our son’s education, but at the end of the day, I believe that a child’s development comes down to good parenting and then the child’s individual desire to succeed. And I believe that a child’s desire to succeed starts at home.

Edward Yau is a geek dad that writes code for his kid.