From Christmas lights to Christmas trees, from Santa and his reindeer to that (damn) Elf on the Shelf, December is synonymous with one holiday – Christmas. And, as much as I love to get into the Christmas spirit with my kids, I find that I know nothing about the other holidays that are happening around us without much less fanfare: Hanukkah and Kwanzaa.

If I know zero about Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, my kids will know even less. That changes this holiday season! This year I plan to add some inclusiveness, diversity, and sensitivity to our traditional red and green holiday cheer. 

How might I explain the basics of Hanukkah and Kwanzaa to my children? With a parody of a Christmas classic, of course –

Shine Your Light

‘Twas the weeks before Christmas,

And all over town,

Kids made wish lists,

Red and green lights and decor all around.

My friend, Ashley, she’s Jewish,

She does different stuff,

She tells me her menorahs are cool,

A “Festival of Lights,” to me, is interesting enough. 

Hanukkah lasts for eight days,

Is the Hebrew word for rededication,

Lit candles from the December 18^th through 26^th,

Makes quite a marvelous window decoration. 

During Hanukkah, Ashley spins a dreidel,

To me, it looks like a top,

Saying “nun,” “gimmel,” “hei,” or “shin”,

She gets a gift when her’s finally stops. 

Christmas and Hanukkah are both coming soon?

I’m excited to add more celebrations to December,

I’ll wish Ashley “Happy Hanukkah,”

The week before Christmas if I remember.

“There is another holiday,”

Said my friend, Jenna, “this time of year,”

“It’s called Kwanzaa,

Right after Santa leaves with his flying reindeer.”

“Kwanzaa starts on the 26^th,

It’s a celebration of community,

Bedded in seven guiding principles,

That, until last year, were all new to me.”

Umoja is “Unity,”

Kujichagulia is “Self-Determination,”

Ujima is “Responsibility,”

These principles are better than a new game on PlayStation!

Ujamaa is “Collective Economics,”

Nia means “Purpose,”

Kuumba is “Creativity,”

Imani is “Faith” and that’s all seven, Jenna’s certain. 

On day six of Kwanzaa Jenna even says,

It’s time to feast,

And after celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, and this,

I may be the size of Disney’s Beast!

I thank Jenna and Ashley,

They have me here thinking,

There is more to December,

Than gift wrapping and Christmas carol singing.

So many of us celebrate differently,

In our own kind of way,

Whether Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or all,

The feeling of joy and gratitude is the same.

So, to my friends in December,

As I wave them goodbye,

Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas,

Blessed Kwanzaa.

Good night.

Whether on a tree or a menorah,

Do our community a favor,

My friends,

And shine your light. 

+ + +

Maybe, after all, learning the basics of these other December holidays will allow my kids to better understand what the Christmas season is all about – collective good, family, and celebrating all the differences that make each of us, ourselves.  And, let’s be honest, aren’t those better lessons for our kids to understand than how the Elf on the Shelf made snow angels in the sugar?

Photo: © Ana / Adobe Stock.

Seeking a unique, awesome, outdoor experience for the family this holiday season? Look no further than the magical landscape of dazzling lanterns and holiday lights that is the LuminoCity Festival at Eisenhower Park in East Meadow, Long Island.

Our family recently ventured over to immerse ourselves in this wonderland of holiday lights at LuminoCity Festival, now in its fourth year. We loved navigating the spectacular, creative and expansive display of art, color, and light sculptures that heightened the senses, bringing excitement to our family during the festive holidays.

** Keep reading to save 15% on LuminoCity Festival! **

This enchanting experience lasted a little more than an hour. That’s more than enough time for you to snap tons of Instagrammable photos, gawk at the mesmerizing displays, and pop into the heated gift shop. This was our second time at Luminocity and they have definitely found their sweet spot. Shimmering LEDs unfold in a lovely setting where each display area is more beautiful than the next. Additionally, there are numerous animatronic dinosaur displays for all of you dinosaur lovers.

Parking is FREE and located near the entry gates which is a significant improvement from their previous Randall’s Island, NYC location. We were so impressed by the unforgettable, state-of-the-art production that we’ll definitely be back again next year.

Discounted tickets to see the holiday lights

We at NYC Dads Group recognize area families are craving entertaining experiences during the holiday season, so strongly encourage you to grab the opportunity and secure your tickets to LuminoCity Festival before they sell out.

The event runs every Wednesday to Sunday, except on the Christmas and New Year’s Day weekends, from 4:30 – 9:30 p.m. through January 8, 2023. You can choose designated one-hour time slots online to ensure a seamless experience. The last entry is 9 p.m., grounds are cleared at 9:20 p.m.

Tickets run from $19 (kids ages 3-12) to $32. The $68 VIP pass gets you a Fast Pass into the festival, 10% off the onsite gift shop, a Lumi Goodie Bag with Lumi’s favorite things, and a free dino ride for the kids.

Bonus for our members and friends: Save 15% using our exclusive discount code! Visit the ticketing website and enter NYCDADS in all caps) before it closes.

All photos provided by the Somerfeld family.

UPDATED November 2022: The Holiday Train Show at the New York Botanical Gardens in the Bronx is one of the best winter break activities in NYC that you can do indoors with your children. Tickets are on sale now for this year’s show, which runs from Nov. 19, 2021, to Jan. 16, 2022. Admission is limited so don’t wait to buy tickets. Here’s a review one of our members did of a past year’s show (most of which still holds true).

The annual train show is one of my 4.5-year-old son’s favorite things to see, and this is his third year in a row attending. The show combines major “attractions,” model trains and model architecture, with the buildings of New York City, complete with bridges, made out of plants (remember, this is the Botanical Gardens).

The Holiday Train Show was about the same as previous years, with a few new buildings but younger children are unlikely to remember what they saw the previous time.

Building highlights among the 175 featured include Yankee Stadium, the Empire State Building, the Apollo Theater, and the Brooklyn Bridge. They even have the Little Red Lighthouse to complement the George Washington Bridge. The trains are all large-scale and extremely cool. The kids like to get close-up (unfortunately, there is very little you can actually touch) and it’s also fun to watch the trains go overhead across the bridges.

The Holiday Train Show can get very crowded, especially during peak season, which is why I suggest getting tickets for the start of the day Tickets are timed, which means you can’t enter until the time on your pre-purchased ticket, but once you are in, you can stay in as long as you like.

The exhibit is one big loop, and you can go around the loop as fast or as slow as you like, but as one dad pointed out, you might have to deal with a “codger bottleneck” or a pack of school kids. Security prefers that you not go the wrong way on the path. My daughter (15 months), enjoyed walking through, so I stayed at her pace anyway. A couple of the dads made two loops because their kids were napping during the first go round

The Holiday Train Show is a little pricey but it’s a good chance to do an activity you can only do in the winter here in NYC. Strollers aren’t allowed, as there is no room, so bring a carrier if your child doesn’t walk. However, there is stroller parking for those parents that do bring their strollers. I drove up to the New York Botanical Gardens with a friend, which is the easiest way to get there, but parking is expensive if you don’t have a Wildlife Conservation Society membership. Metro-North is also a fast option, and is right across the street. To get there via the subway requires a bus or a schlep as well.

All in all, The Holiday Train Show at New York Botanical Gardens is a fun experience, if not a little redundant for me on my third trip. Fortunately, the kids loved it and that’s what matters!

— Josh Kross

NYC Holiday Train Show info

• Location: New York Botanical Gardens, 2900 Southern Boulevard, Bronx, NY
• Hours: Generally, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., Tuesday to Sunday and Monday federal holidays.
• Tickets: $20 to $35, children under 2 get in free. Timed entry. Buy in advance. Buy tickets.

Photo: © hitman1234 /  Adobe Stock.

Craving a safe, unique family experience in New York City for the holidays during these crazy pandemic times? Look no further than the oasis of dazzling lanterns and holiday lights that is the LuminoCity Festival at Randall’s Island Park.

Our family recently ventured over to nearby Randall’s Island to immerse ourselves in a wonderland of holiday lights at LuminoCity Festival, now in its second year. We loved navigating the spectacular, creative and expansive display of art and light lantern sculptures that heightened the senses, bringing excitement for our family during a time we desperately needed it.

** Keep reading to save 15% on LuminoCity Festival! **

This enchanting holiday lights experience lasted about an hour. That’s more than ample time for you to snap photos, gawk at the beautiful light displays, and soak in the city light and skyline views in the backdrop. The whole ensemble worked perfectly because of the sea of shimmering LEDs unfolding in a lovely setting on the fields along the East River.

For everyone’s safety during COVID-19, LuminoCity mandates masks for all visitors and temperature checks upon entry, strict adherence to timed ticketing reservations, and capacity limitations on the grounds. There are also sanitizing stations aplenty on the grounds. We felt very safe as our family meandered through the impressive installation, but be careful of the floorboards that you walk on – some were uneven and could be a tripping hazard.

We drove our car this year (there is a $20 parking fee), but we are planning to walk next year using the green footbridge on 104th Street as we’re definitely planning to make this a new, annual family tradition.

Tickets to see the Holiday Lights

We recognize families are experiencing cabin fever in this crazy world we’re living in, so take the leap and score your tickets to LuminoCity (bonus: Save 15% using our exclusive discount code) before it shuts down on January 10.

Look at how happy this kid is. He look sick to you? No? Well he was. He was sick a bunch over the holidays, and each time he was all better by the next day. Just look at how happy and not sick he is.

Me, on the other hand? I’m dying over here. Three-year-olds can get deathly ill and be fully recovered by the next day. They do this because they pass their sickness on to you. But will you fully recover the next day? No ho ho hooooo, you’re looking at a three-day romp in bed-ridden Influenza-ville.

See, the thing about kids that they don’t tell you (or they might have but I sure as hell wasn’t listening) is that they’re basically little germ factories, and once you get ’em in preschool, or let them visit their cousins, or even set foot out of their bedroom, they’re gonna come down with whatever bug is around so their immune system can get stronger by beating it. Then they pass it on to you to try and kill you because — evolution.

All told, our kid got sick on three separate days over the last couple weeks which means both my wife and I have been hanging on to dear life by the barest of threads ever since. I’m not sure when my voice will return and she doesn’t think she’ll walk again. But just look how happy the kid is!

So how’d he get sick so much? Well, because it’s the holidays and we gotta go do happy holiday things. We took the kid to happy parties filled with happy germ-magnet kids. We went to happy family gatherings to get happy holiday presents along with a slight touch of pneumonia from whichever one of his cousins happened to be sick at the time.

Oh yeah. The happy holiday gifts. This would be the second part of the one-two punch.

Holidays in plastic brick hell

It needs to be said that I used to love Legos. I’d played with them for hours as a boy. I collected all different lines, and even once waxed lovingly poetic about my old Lego Castle, still holding together with its valiant armies of knights and varlets back yonder in my father’s house. I regularly counted on Lego to tide my boy over so I could enjoy an event or show. I never dreamed of considering these eponymous bricks a mortal enemy.

Needless to say, my lifelong love affair with Lego came to an abrupt end over the holidays. Everybody gave my kid Lego. Ev-er-y-bo-dy. He got them from my parents, he got them from her parents, he got them from cousins, he got them from friends, and — damn my eyes — he got them from me.

It wasn’t as big a problem as before because the Legos weren’t so small. Up until now the 3-year-old had those great big doofus blocks that were easy to clean up and more importantly, to see on the damn floor. Now he has multiple sets of the little ones, the proper Legos, and some of these pieces, Hell, most of these pieces, are damn near microscopic.

Don’t get me wrong, he loves them. Look how happy he is! But they’re killing me, and I’m already dying from scurvy.

So just imagine the joy of being awakened at night by the phlegm bubbling up in a death rattle from your last working lung, lurching haphazardly out of bed to get more water because you can only breathe out of your mouth so it’s dry as desert sand, and have to circumnavigate what is essentially now a booby-trapped minefield of hard plastic pain. This is why I have no voice left, from all the screaming.

Both sets of grandparents stocked him up with Legos. They planned this. Beware the vengeance of your own parents, new Moms and Dads, for it will be wreaked upon you terribly and most unexpectedly. Well played, Dad.

That’s how I spent my holidays. The kid started them with a holiday party and came back sick, which meant he was totally fine the next day and I was sick all Christmas. We went to a nice little birthday party for one of his friends, same deal again, and he knocked both my wife and I down to mark Hanukkah. Finally we stayed over at his cousins’ place for New Years Eve, same thing again, which means that his mother and I crawled into 2017 feeling like 10 pounds of crap in 5-pound bags that keep walking on Legos no matter how many times we pick the damn things up!

Lessons learned

But look how happy he is. He’s absolutely exuberant. He’s actually bubbling over with joy, with glee, swimming in his own bliss. This kid was sick? Impossible. He’s far too delighted with life to be sick. He must be having some kind of holidays, right?

Right.

Because that’s how our son really ruined the holidays for us. He showed us what they are really all about. It doesn’t matter if you celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Festivus, or what have you, and it doesn’t matter what hardships and travails you get put through over the holidays, because everyone  gets put through them.

What matters over the holidays is the joy you try to bring to other people, especially to the ones you love. And when that joy is reflected so brightly, and so surely, from your own child, the holidays will never again be the same for you. They are ruined.

It was the holidays and we did happy holiday things. We went to parties. We stayed up late with family. And we got lots of presents! Lots of Lego! He loves Lego! These were just the best holidays ever!

And so, even as my eyes dim with the onset of whatever jaundiced death virus my son has beset me with; as I prepare to amputate my leg below the shin due to the gangrenous infections brought on by the penetration of my flesh by the mask of Lego Batman; I am happy.

I will never be healthy again, but it was worth it.

No matter what you believe, or choose not to believe, you are welcome in our home. That is the example we will set for our son.
______

Some people complain about the phrase “Happy Holidays.” Why not just say “Merry Christmas,” right? While we can’t speak for everyone, here’s why my family says “Happy Holidays.”

If you look up at our window, you will see a menorah, and just past that, a Christmas tree. I grew up Catholic and my wife grew up Jewish. Both religions formed who we are today. And even though we are now both atheists, neither of us sees any reason to exclude or disrespect the traditions and beliefs of our families. We have both experienced too much joy throughout our lives from these belief systems not to do so. And our son deserves these same joys.

Outside of our window, the world is in turmoil. In just one day, we have seen the assassination of a diplomat in Turkey; a horrifying mass murder using a truck in Germany, for which credit has been claimed by extremist zealots; and a mass shooting at a mosque in Zurich. All of this happened while America’s Electoral College confirmed the presidency of a man who lost the popular vote after running on a platform heavily trading on fear-mongering, hatred and bigotry.

We will not have this in our home. We will choose peace. We will choose joy. No matter what you believe, or choose not to believe, you are welcome in our home. That is the example we will set for our son.

He will benefit from both holidays. He will spin the dreidel and he will decorate a tree. He will know the rituals of Hanukkah and will sing about Santa Claus. He will have the best of both of our worlds, and that includes the holidays of this season.

Which right now he loves, by the way, because of all the presents!

But will he be Christian? Jewish? Will he be an atheist? Maybe he’ll be something else altogether. We can’t say right now. It is his choice. If we are to be good parents, we must present him with all the options for his own life. The path he decides to travel will be his own. Both of us will be happy to guide him no matter how he chooses to live his life.

My wife and I fell in love both because of, and in spite of, the differing belief systems we were raised in. What we’ve discovered is that the difference between right and wrong, between good and evil, the essential morality of humanity, is the same across all religions.

Need a baseline? Sure. If you’re hurting people because of your religion, you are doing your religion wrong. If you’re hurting people because of their religion, you are doing morality wrong as well, and that applies whether you are religious or not.

Everything else — how you choose to worship, how you choose not to worship — is all up to you. Just don’t hurt anyone. And no matter what religion you do or do not worship, this is a season for joy.

So. We say “Happy Holidays,” and it is in no way an insult. Wishing you joy cannot be offensive.

“Merry Christmas” leaves out half of my family. “Happy Hanukkah” leaves out the other half. “Happy Holidays” includes them all. It means Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah. It means, “I wish you joy, no matter who you are and what you believe.”

We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Happy Chanukah. We wish you a Joyous Kwanzaa, and we say “Serenity Now” as we air our grievances at the Festivus for the Rest of Us. But most of all, we wish you “Happy Holidays.”

We wish you joy. Because wishing people joy is what the holiday season is actually all about.

All photos: Chad R. MacDonald

Here is a quick list of fun activities around Chicagoland for Chicago Dads to get involved with their kids over the Holiday Break.  We are sure there are more, we’d love to know what’s going on near you!

Christmas Around the World at the MSI

Dates: November 17, 2016 – January 8, 2017
Cost: Free (with admission)

This  tradition began at Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry back in 1942. A Grand Tree (45 feet tall) in the Museum’s Rotunda stands amid a celebratory forest of over 50 trees decorated by volunteers from the many different ethnic communities around Chicago, showcasing their various cultures and holiday traditions. There are festive surprises all throughout the exhibit and you might just learn a thing or two to boot. While you are there you can check out all the other great exhibits like Brick by Brick, The Colleen Moore Fairy Castle, Where the Wild Things Are, The U-505 Submarine, and so many more.

Caroling at “The Bean” (Cloud Gate)

Millennium Park
Chicago
www.millenniumpark.org

Dates: November 25, 2016 – December 23, 2016
Cost: Free

Bundle up and get ready to belt out some holiday classics at these festive events that are part concert, part sing-along as local Chicago choral groups lead hundreds of celebrants in song. Santa Claus will join the crowd beforehand (5 pm), and after the music (6 pm), head a few steps away to take a spin on the McCormick Tribune ice rink.

Chanukah Wonderland

Northbrook Court
Northbrook
www.northbrookcourt.com

Date: December 18, 2016 – December 26, 2016
Cost: $5

Daily attractions

• Dreidel bouncehouse
• Decorate a doughnut
• Dreidel crafting
• Mosaic Menorah art
• Chanukah Tzedakkah box craft

Special Highlights
Tuesday, December 20 – Wrap for a cause: wrap for those in need
Monday, December 26 – Decorate a Chanukah Apron

Solstice Celebration

Crabtree Nature Center
Barrington
www.fpdcc.com

Date: December 21, 2016
Cost: Free

Celebrate the return of the sun while learning about the science and mythology surrounding the solstice, and enjoy a hot drink around a campfire. Call to reserve your spot (847-381-6592).

Animal Evidence

Date: December 22, 2016
Cost: Free

Learn about tracks, scat and other evidence animals leave behind, and then look for critters on a guided hike. Ages 5 and up with an adult. Register online or at (630) 933-7248.

I love Christmas lights. Always have.

Kind of ironic, right? After all, I’m Jewish, and therefore, I don’t celebrate Christmas. Yet, it’s hard to avoid Christmas and all that goes with it. Between the advertisements, television shows, music, etc., Christmas is everywhere. However, for me, Christmas is just another day.

And that is why at this time of the year, I feel very much like a minority, an other, and an outsider. These days that fact does not bother me, but that was not always true.

When I was a kid, I was jealous of those who celebrated Christmas. There were presents, Christmas trees, and stockings hanging on the mantle. What kid wouldn’t want that? Even more than all the festivities, celebrating Christmas was part of the fabric of society and being just like everyone else.

It wasn’t really Santa Claus that interested me. My mother took care of that early on.

“Santa Claus won’t bring me presents ’cause I’m Jewish, right?”

“You don’t need Santa Claus. I’ll bring you presents.”

And that was that. Good enough for me. While the legend of Santa seemed jolly and fun, by the time I got to thinking he wasn’t going to visit me because of my religious affiliation, I was more interested in the presents. And I was going to get them anyway.

But that didn’t take away the otherness. Everything was closed, nothing was on television – remember it was the prehistoric days before cable and the internet – and I was bored. Even worse, I was sure everyone else was inside enjoying a beautiful and perfect holiday just like on the television shows I watched.

One year my mom made an impromptu Christmas Eve party for my brother and I. I’m not sure where my older brothers or my dad were. Anyway, the only thing I remember was we had snacks including peanut M&Ms. It wasn’t fancy, but it was a nice surprise. And for one Christmas Eve, I didn’t feel so left out.

As I got older, I didn’t care as much about Christmas. I accepted it as a day that cemented my outsider status. When I was in my 20s, I started going to the Matzo Ball. I’m not sure who started the Matzo Ball, but whoever did was a genius. It’s a dance party for Jewish singles that are held every year on Christmas Eve, and there are a bunch of them around the country.

I was never really into the club/dance party sort of scene, but I did enjoy getting out on Christmas Eve. And no, I never met a woman at the Matzo Ball with a pickup line of, “So, uh, I’m circumcised.” Anyway, I would have a few beers and maybe loosen up and dance a bit. It was really just an excuse to go out and hang out with the other ‘others.’

By the time I got married, I was more enmeshed in the Jewish world and knew fewer people who celebrated Christmas. I changed the channel when a Christmas song/television show came on. So, while Christmas and its trappings were still omnipresent, I was able to get away from them to some degree.

This break from the holiday had an interesting effect. I came to enjoy the holiday – in my own way. I actually like some of the songs – especially Bruce Springsteen’s version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  I like the thought of families and friends gathering. Most of all, I like the fact that people are generally nicer to each other during this time of year.

When my children were young, Christmas worried me. As every parent knows, children’s shows are on all the time and when December hits, every show has the same theme: Christmas. Actually, that’s not true. About one show a week focuses on Hanukkah. All of a sudden, there’s a Jewish neighbor or friend. Anyway, I worried my children, like me, would feel left out.

Both boys have expressed such feelings to some degree. One way, I’ve handled this is by telling the boys my mom’s story about bringing them presents. While this doesn’t remove the otherness, it reminds them that they aren’t being cheated.

Ultimately, acceptance is the only option. Christmas has some wonderful aspects to it even for those of us who don’t celebrate. This year my family will appreciate one of those aspects when we drive around on Christmas Eve and look at the lights.

To those who celebrate, Merry Christmas. To those who don’t, remember and appreciate all the wonderful holidays and traditions you do celebrate.

A version of this first appeared on Me, Myself and My Kids.

Photo: Lynn Friedman Jewish & Christian Mixed Marriage Holiday Decorations via photopin (license)

Christmas can be oppressive for us Jews especially when we’re children. It seems everything out there is about Christmas and how we should celebrate Christmas.

Every TV special.

Every house decorated with streams of ethereal lights.

Santa in every commercial touting all the great new toys his elves are toiling away at when he’s not at the mall letting kids sit on his lap and ask for presents.

Stockings. Tinsel. Incredibly beautiful indoor trees housing stacks and stacks of presents. Candy canes. A grandmother who was run over by a reindeer. The Nutcracker. Rockefeller Center. A date that doesn’t move around each year. An eve.

What do we Jews have?

Eight nights of lighting candles and saying a prayer.

An electric orange menorah in the window.

Dreidels. And a boring song about dreidels made out of clay.

There are presents, of course. In our case, we’d get a big one on the first and last night of Hanukkah and small things in between. The holiday can’t even figure out how it wants to be spelled!

When I was growing up, I wanted to celebrate Christmas. I wanted Rudolph. I wanted Frosty. I wanted Santa. More than anything I wanted to cover our house and bushes with a fantastic array of twinkling lights. Each year I’d beg my parents for lights, but the closest we came was a paper “Happy Hanukkah” to hang in the window that no one could see after dark.

My parents felt for me for I’m sure they were envious as kids as well. They would put presents by the chimney at Christmas. One time, they even had one of my dad’s best friends dress up as Santa just for me.

“You’re not Santa!” I said in my brattiest tone. “You’re Mickey!”

As an adult, I appreciate my parents for trying especially since Christmas now seems to start before Labor Day making it even more onerous for Jewish people. This is why I’m so happy for my daughter, Sienna, who we let celebrate Christmas and Hanakkah.

Sienna gets to enjoy the power of both holidays. She gets to help Mommy, whose parents are Christian, trim our little silver Christmas tree covered with blue lights (silver and blue – the colors of Hanukkah). She gets to help Daddy put in the electric menorah’s light bulbs for eight days. Perhaps next year we’ll move on to actually lighting candles as well. She can watch holiday-themed Sophia the First, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Jake and the Never Land Pirates without feeling like an outsider. She gets to revel in Santa’s ho-ho-ho and jiggling belly and enjoy the big Christmas tree in our building’s lobby while also pointing out the building’s silver menorah. We listen to her sing herself to sleep. Sometimes it’s that stupid dreidel song. Sometimes it’s a Christmas tune.

She celebrates with her parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and great-grandmother during Hanukkah. We usually have five kids running around the house opening presents, spinning dreidels, eating chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. Meanwhile, her aunt, uncle and cousin drive up from Louisiana for a special Christmas visit and we’ll spend Christmas day with my wife’s family.

And, boy, does our daughter get presents. So many presents we’ll probably eventually need a second apartment to store them. But what I love, what I experience through my daughter, is not feeling left out. I feel her soaking in both holidays on an equal plane. She loves evenings when both the Christmas tree and menorah alight basking our living room in a festive glow. For her, “Happy Holidays” truly means “Happy Holidays.”

Religion has yet to play a role in the holidays. I’m not religious. I’m an agnostic, but I somewhat follow Jewish customs. My wife is spiritual, but not religious. We have plenty of time before we have to deal with the religious angle and I’m curious and a bit fearful of what will come.

But for now Sienna gets the best of both worlds (or at least the worlds of Christmas and Hanukkah). She gets to enjoy her dreidels and candy canes; trees and menorahs; presents and presents. It’s a joyous time of year for her and a jubilant one for her parents. I for one have banished holiday envy from my heart as I give a Hanukkah gift to my wife and receive a Christmas gift in return.

I even get my festive lights.

A version of this first appeared on Raising Sienna.

I have been an at-home parent for the last six years, and during that time, I have struggled to find an identity beyond parenthood. There have been many stories in the press lately about work-life balance – usually about professionals who are trying to find ways to cut back their work schedules to make time to care for children and aging parents. I rarely see any stories about those of us whose balance has tipped in the other direction, those of us who spend most of our time caring for others and need to connect to a world beyond diapers, play dates, and doctor visits.

There is no question that an at-home parent could spend every waking moment on food preparation, laundry, cleaning, and everything related to childcare. I could spend hours poring over cookbooks and websites planning 21 healthy and tasty meals each week, then shop for local, organic ingredients, and then lovingly prepare the food. I could sweep up the crumbs after every meal and vacuum the house every evening. I could spend every moment I’m with the boys engaged in some sort of educational activity that is developing their executive function or social IQ.

I’ve certainly gone through stages when I have tried to be this seemingly “perfect” parent. I made the decision to sacrifice my education, my career, my ambition, and my identity to be at home with my kids, so I had better be the most engaged, most knowledgeable, and most skilled parent in the neighborhood.

At some point along the way though, my thinking changed. I enjoy being with my kids, but I’ve recognized that it’s not good for me or for them to have 100% of my time and focus on their well-being. I want my children to feel safe, connected, and loved, but not coddled, sheltered, and smothered. I also want my children to see a parent that that has a life beyond parenting — interests and talents beyond folding laundry, making macaroni and cheese, and building fortresses with blocks.

So, starting with the premise that I wanted balance, both for myself and for my family, I started to think about what needed to give. In every household, there are tasks that need to get done, but if you want to create more time for life beyond parenthood, you need to give yourself permission to open up your schedule. Here are some questions to consider:

1. What needs to get done and what is good enough? In my house my family needs to eat healthy meals, we need clean clothes, and it’s nice when our house is reasonably clean. I enjoy cooking, but pasta and tomato sauce with a side of carrots is gourmet enough for a five-year old and a two-year old. I enjoy playing with my kids, but it’s also good for them to play by themselves. I don’t mind doing laundry, but for me I’d rather do it all in one marathon session than spread it out over the week.
2. Who gets the work done? Consider whether you are taking full advantage of the people in your life that are offering to help? Are you open to having your partner help, or are you pushing him/her away? Can you lean on family? Can you afford a daytime babysitter for a few hours during the week? I also have taken the time to train the kids to do some of the work. It could be me that makes beds, puts toys away, hangs up coats, etc., but I’d rather they do the work, even if it’s not perfect.
3. When does the work get done? I have two hours, five days per week when both my sons are in school. I could use that time to do laundry, to clean, or to cook dinner, but I’d rather use this quiet time to accomplish something that actually requires focus and quiet (such as writing this blog entry). I can do laundry at night while we are watching TV. I can cook while the kids are playing in the afternoons.

Don’t get me wrong, none if this is easy, and the train can run off the rails at any moment. My best suggestion this holiday season, give yourself permission to enjoy life beyond parenting — find your identity beyond caregiver, both for yourself, and for your family.