The best fatherly advice I received before we had our son was so simple and straightforward that it’s the only tip that stood out among the clichés most people offered me.

The advice?

“Just be there.” 

As simple as it sounds, the decision to consciously be present with your children goes deep. Just think back to your favorite memories of your parents. Do you remember the toy you opened on your seventh Christmas? Or the present you got for your 14th birthday? I highly doubt it.

But I’d bet you remember playing basketball with your dad. Or putting a puzzle together with your mom. What about playing video games with an uncle? Or cooking with your grandmother. Do you remember the connection you felt when you played a board game with your entire family? Even though my dad sucked at basketball and my mom always cheated at board games those are my favorite childhood memories and why I have a strong bond with my family.

This is why I didn’t mind quitting my job and becoming a stay-at-home dad. And if you’re an at-home dad I’m assuming you probably feel the same way. You want to be a part of your children’s life. You want to have that connection. It’s easy to be present like this when your kids are babies because you’re holding them or playing with them most of the day.

But as they grow older, they become more independent and it becomes too easy to start letting distractions come between you and your children. Distractions like email, chores, Netflix, Facebook, YouTube, exhaustion, smartphones, errands, Threads, Instagram, video games … did I say Netflix?

These are my main offenders at least. They plot against my relationship with my son and slowly try to drive a wedge between us. But I found that if I stand up to them and keep my relationship with my kids in mind, they’re weak enemies.

What’s my solution to be present more often? As often as we can, my wife and I take an hour and turn off all of the electronics in the home, especially smartphones. We use this time to play with blocks or toy soldiers, draw, paint, paste, build, role play, go for a walk, bike ride, go to the park, or do anything that involves us connecting. This one-on-one time is so important to your child’s development and it’s something you don’t want to leave out of your relationship with your kids.

Why is it important? Because one day they’ll be … teenagers! 

OK, everybody calm down, you can stop crying now.

I know you don’t want to think about it now, especially you guys out there with a little princess to protect. However, laying the groundwork by being present now is important. It helps build a solid foundation for your relationship with your children. You’ll want that when the tween and teen years arrive because you will want them to trust you enough so they can talk to you. That talk may be about drugs, alcohol or sex. It may be about bullying or sadness they are experiencing. It may just be about how their day went.

Now that you’re done reading this distraction, turn off your electronics and go find your kids. It’s time you did something together.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

This post first appeared on the Chicago Dads Group blog in 2015. It has since been updated. Photo by Ketut Subiyanto via Pexels.

I’ll be spending this Thanksgiving alone this year. I just got my first full-time job in four years. And unfortunately, I have to work on Thanksgiving this year while my wife is going to see her family in Minnesota. Yes, it sucks for all of the obvious reasons. But it’s also something I’m secretly looking forward to (well, not so secretly since this is on the internet).

Why Thanksgiving alone sucks

No family. I won’t be around the people I’m thankful for. I can’t relive my favorite memories with relatives and create new ones. I won’t be able to meet new relatives. And I won’t be able to gossip about my least favorite relatives with my most favorite ones.

No coma-inducing amount of food. This is the worst part. No sweet potato pie. No stuffing. No mac and cheese.

Why I’m looking forward to it

No family. As in no family drama. Bummer.

No traveling. Usually, the holiday season for my family includes at least 12 hours or more of travel for us. We’re either driving 12 hours one way to North Carolina or six hours one way to Minnesota. Then once we get to our destination we’re driving at least another four or five hours to see more friends and family around the state. This holiday season, I’m pumped to be stationary.

I’m excited about eating less food. I usually end Thanksgiving weekend looking more like a stuffed turkey than the one I ate. There’s so much food, and it usually all looks and tastes amazing. And because I’m not particularly eager to waste food I end up eating way more than I should. So this Thanksgiving alone, I’ll probably cook one of my favorite meals (pretty much anything deep-fried) and be content without the extra calories and leftovers.

Quiet time. It will definitely suck to be home alone on a holiday. But as active dads, alone time is something that we rarely see. And when we do, it’s usually while we’re cleaning, cutting the grass, or fixing something around the house. Even after the kids go to sleep we’re usually exhausted and only have a couple of hours before it’s time for bed. So what I’m looking forward to more than anything is the day or two that I’ll have some quiet free time to myself. It’s really hard to see the picture from inside the frame. So instead of getting annoyed with my wife and son after 12 hours of being in the car with them, I’ll be at home reflecting on how much I’m grateful to have them in my life.

Photo: © WONG SZE FEI / Adobe Stock.

Have you come to a crossroads in life and wished you had someone to guide you? I did in my early and mid 20s. Married with my first child on the way, I had a job but nothing I could see myself doing forever. I had no direction in life. That time would have been so much easier if I had a mentor or some type of resource I could have referred to.

Your kids can have that kind of help, and this greatest gift of all truly comes right from you.

My wife and I created an email account for my 3-year-old son and another for our daughter who’s still in “the oven.” And today, I wrote my unborn child an email. I told her that I’m not perfect, but I’ll always love her. I told her that we’ll figure this thing called life out together.

As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day craziness and forget something that would made us laugh or feel proud or cry as a future memory. How will we be able to remember all of these great childhood happenings when our adult kids ask us what they were like as toddlers or they seek clarity and direction about how they should go about life. We probably can’t. At least I know my memory isn’t that great. Half the time, I’m relying on my wife’s memory of MY past.

But sending an email is so much easier. At the end of the day, month or even year, I can take a few minutes and write my children something heartfelt, important or funny. Something motivating and profound. Or maybe I just send them photos and videos of us doing things together as a family.

Our plan is to give them the passwords to these special email accounts at their high school or college graduation. Maybe earlier if we think they’re ready.

Ideas for this greatest gift for future unwrapping

Like the concept, but don’t have any idea what to send your kids. Well, you’re in luck, partner. I made a list:

• A picture of them or letter on their birthday every year.
• Did you (or someone else) teach them a life lesson today? Send an email reminding them of the moral of the story.
• Did you have to punish them for something they did that was inappropriate but was actually pretty hilarious? Tell them about it!
• Instead of letting school art projects clutter your home, keep the ones you really like, take pictures of the rest. Email them to your kid. Then throw away the wack artwork.
• Family pictures of your kids with your spouse, grandparents, great grandparents, their little friends and anyone else you think they will appreciate at an older age.
• All those videos on your phone that you’ll never watch again. Yep! Now your kids can re-watch them again in 20 years.
• Write them and apologize to them for a mistake you’re going to make in the future. Or pre-scold them for not calling you enough in college.
• Send them a list of your favorite books, documentaries, websites and movies.
• Tell your children to drop everything and go watch Breaking Bad or whatever is your favorite TV show of the moment.
• If you haven’t heard of StoryCorp, it’s an organization with a mission “to preserve and share humanity’s stories in order to build connections between people and create a more just and compassionate world.” There is a StoryCorp app that let’s you interview people. Let your kid interview you and you can then interview them. In addition to emailing the recording, it will be stored in the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C. Pretty cool, right?

So while a photo on Facebook now might be worth a thousand words, thousands of words (and photos) over the course of decades are way more valuable. Give your kids this personal and greatest gift of your thoughts, memories and lessons when they come to a crossroads in life. I promise it will be a gift that keeps on giving.

Greatest gift for kids photo: ©ulza /Adobe Stock.

Moving to a new city, that’s 12 hours away from your closest friends and family can be a challenging experience for any adult. It seems like the older you get, the harder it is to meet new people and maintain genuine friendships.

Thinking back to college, it was a lot easier to make new friends because everyone was involved in clubs and organizations that provided a common interest for everyone. My favorite clubs included the “streak through random places on campus committee” and the “save the [insert rare Amazon flower here] non-profit organization”. How could you not form a lifelong bond being a member of groups like this!? And how easy it for kids to make a new best friend at a park or on a sports team?

However, as we grow older, it gets a lot harder. It’s even more complicated for men, because we don’t generally open up easily about our feelings or past experiences. It’s equally hard for parents with young children because we spend most of our time dealing with dirty diapers and toddler tantrums, instead of having a coherent adult conversations.

Now imagine being an at home dad, in a new city, with a wife who spends nearly all of her waking hours working. If you’re trying to meet people and build a network it’s an uphill battle. But there’s hope!

I’m so glad that I was able to find the Chicago City Dads group because without it, my first year in the Chicago area would have been nearly unbearable. But having a group of fellow dad’s who understand that sometimes…………

You have to pause your conversation to save your child from imminent death at the playground.

Or simply knowing that there are other men out there who fell in love with high earning, over achieving women and who understand the issues that come along with this lifestyle has been extremely reassuring for me. Trust me guys you’re not alone. Lots of women are really great at their professions, love their careers, and deserve to make a lot of money. While lots of men just happen to be great at, love and enjoy raising their children.

As dads, we need a place that’s not work and not home, where we can be on a level playing field with other guys. The Chicago Dads Group has become that place for me. I love my family, I love my work, but we all need that time away where we can be a relaxed version of our best self.

If you are an at home dad reading this, and you have a City Dads Group near you, I highly suggest joining  and becoming an active member in the group. Not only will it be good for your kids to be around new and “interesting” kids, but it will also be great for you to get out of your normal routine and meet some new and “very interesting” dads.