Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. This one comes from 2014.

There’s a theme circulating on the Internet right now, mostly related to prom season – dads who threaten their daughters’ dates.

I’ve seen it on T-shirts, tweets, Facebook messages, and other places. The posts usually include a reference to the father’s guns, bullets, and, sometimes, boots. A list outlines the father’s expectations for the potential boyfriend and usually ends with a comment that if some boy mistreats his daughter in any way, then the above-mentioned guns/bullets/boots will be used on said guy.

These are well-meaning dads who want to display their devotion to their daughters, I’m sure. And as the father of a little girl, I get it.

I understand the love you have for your daughter, but let me be clear. If you mistreat any of my sons when they show up to your 1950s doorstep to take your daughter out on a date, you’ll have to answer to me.

I do not take disrespect lightly and that rings true from adult to child. I’m teaching my sons and daughter to respect others, so don’t be a jerk and act like a tough guy when my boys come around your girls.

Because you know what? If you act that way, they won’t come around and your daughter will probably sneak out to meet them anyway.

I get it. I get that you want to preserve your daughter’s innocence. That you want to be the only man in your daughter’s life. But you won’t be. So instead of bragging about how you’ll threaten your daughter’s dates with your guns and the “whooping” you’re going to give that boy if he breaks her heart or mistreats her, teach your daughter:

To stick up for herself and others.

To be wise and independent.

To be smart and courageous.

To value her own image and hold it in high self-esteem.

To make good choices.

To hold on to something that’s worth waiting for (and that means having “The Talk” with them). That’s what I’m teaching my girl … and my boys.

So go ahead and post your blah-blah-blah and that you have blah-blah-blah and you’ll do blah-blah-blah if some guy does blah-blah-blah.

But I suggest, instead, that you quit talking and start raising. (And encouraging, for that matter.) Throwing out ridiculous threats won’t stop boys and girls from doing anything. The best way to protect them is to raise them to make good decisions for themselves.  Have frank discussions about the risks of engaging in certain behaviors and the benefits of waiting for the one that may change their lives for the better. And you don’t want to risk scaring away the person that could do that.

Threaten daughter’s dates photo: © Mdv Edwards / Adobe Stock.

Is this where we still are in 2018: dads with daughters threatening their child’s friends, especially given the ongoing debate over gun control in the wake of mass shootings at our schools?

On this latest edition of the Modern Dads Podcast, three dads of daughters read essays they have written bashing the well-worn trope of the overprotective father.

Jason Greene, a NYC Dads Group member and longtime blog contributor, says dads who threaten their daughters’ dates annoy him. “Instead of bragging about your guns and the ‘whooping’ you’re going to do if some boy breaks her heart or mistreats her, teach your daughter to stick up for herself and others. … To value her own image and hold it in high self-esteem. To make good choices,” he says.

Canadian blogger Mike Reynolds lays out the “unrules” for dating his daughter. “You won’t find me standing behind the curtain with my rifle on prom day. You won’t find a Derringer in my coat pocket on her wedding day,” he says. “I’m not a threat to you. You’re dating my daughter, so I’m a friend. I don’t believe threatening someone is the best way to get them to reach their potential and I don’t think telling someone you’re going to shoot them if they make one wrong move is fair to you or my daughter.”

Chris Bernholdt, a Philly Dads Group member and longtime City Dads Group blog contributor, says there is a better way of raising daughters without threatening their dates. “How about we just teach our young boys what respect and love are truly about and give them the tools to make good decisions?” he says. “We can be better fathers by setting the example for the next generation and not using scare tactics. Our daughters are not unattainable prizes to be won. They are treasures to be cherished.”

Finally, City Dads Group columnist Whit Honea explains his perspective on the subject as the father of sons.

+ + Listen to ‘Dads with Daughters’ podcast + +

My 15-year-old daughter had her first experience with a new species over the weekend: The North American Drunken Asshole.

I wasn’t present for the encounter, which was probably a good thing. My girl was visiting her mom in San Diego for the weekend, a couple hours south. Here’s the situation:

They were out for an evening stroll in a funky-but-fun beach neighborhood, a place they’ve been many times. They’d just emerged from a restaurant, and were just enjoying the fresh, salt-tinged evening air. As they walked down the block, they passed a group of young guys. I’m told they looked like they were in their early 20s: sorta gangly, backwards baseball caps, slouchy, scruffy. Plus drunk.

After Riley and her mom had passed the group, one of the guys called out to my daughter. It started out as simply, “Hey!,” which my daughter ignored. She actually had no idea the dude was even talking to her.

But after the third semi-slurry “Hey!,” it became clear she was the one in the guy’s scope.

What he said next wasn’t nearly as bad as it could’ve been. I’ll give him that.

Catcalls from the beast

The dude shouted at my daughter, yelling, “Oh, fuck. You’ve got a total hot Hermione thing going on, and I FUCKING LOVE IT!”

All things considered, I know Harry Potter-centric catcalls are pretty tame, compared to the sorts of things jerks normally say when they yell at girls. It was aggressive, yet vaguely nerdy. A fine line. But it really freaked my daughter out.

Riley is 15. She’s a beautiful young woman. And more than a few people have told her that she bears a striking resemblance to Harry Potter‘s Emma Watson, who is herself an intelligent, beautiful, and classy human. In some other context, it would be a compliment.

But in this situation, it was unwanted, unsolicited attention that scared my girl. A random, loud, drunk dude noticed her, and felt it was totally appropriate to yell at her. And she didn’t know what to do.

Maybe Drunk Doofus thought he was simply offering her a compliment, nothing more. Maybe it didn’t occur to him that he might’ve freaked her out. It’s possible he thought she was older than 15. Not that any of that makes catcalls OK.

Or maybe he was one of those assholes who likes to make women feel uncomfortable and intimidated.

The meltdown

After they got home, Riley had a minor meltdown about the whole experience. This was the first time she’d experienced this sort of adult male behavior. What made things worse is that she’d dressed up for their evening out, putting on makeup (which she rarely uses) and nicer clothing that her usual T-shirt and jeans. She was feeling confident, attractive and grown up. Then this guy came along and made her feel self-conscious, embarrassed and vulnerable.

She and her mom had a long talk about it. I don’t know the details, but Riley felt better afterward. I heard about it from her mom over the phone, and then I got the full version when Riley came back home after the weekend. As I listened to the story, I tried to avoid wigging out myself. I DO NOT LIKE the idea of some random drunk doofus yelling at my daughter and making her feel afraid. I DO NOT LIKE the idea of any man doing that to any woman and making her feel that way. (I don’t like the idea of any human making any other human feel uncomfortable in such fashion, frankly — but we can probably all agree that when we do see it happening, it’s most common for the remark to go from a man to a woman. So I’m currently focused on that.)

The breakdown

As Riley told me the story, some of the rapid-fire observations she made about it were:

1. I’m never going to dress nicely in public again.
2. That guy wouldn’t have said anything if I’d been with you, Dad, instead of Mom. That’s lame in itself.
3. I know he was acting that way because he was drunk. But that just makes it scarier.
4. Guys are pretty much jerks when they drink. And also sometimes when they’re not.
5. I’m not going to be grateful that the guy didn’t say something dirty or nasty. It was still not cool.
6. OK, maybe I won’t let that stop me from dressing up again in public. But I don’t know what to do if it happens again.

I did my best to break it down with her, point by point:

1. My girl, you have the right to dress any way you want. I know it’s hard to embrace such a concept after an encounter like this, but remember that no one else should ever have a say in what you do or wear to feel confident, strong or capable.

2. Yes, it’s grossly unfair, but you’re probably right. If you’d been with me, the dude may not have felt as comfortable lobbing out his comment. Young guys get a lot less ballsy when there’s an older male around who resembles their dad. Much less the courage to say and do dumb shit, even drunk. This is why I would prefer to be your bodyguard everywhere you go for the rest of life. But sadly for us both, that’s not how things work.

3. Sounds like he was drunk indeed. Or on the way to drunk. As you get older, you’re going to see more people, male and female, exhibiting silly, obnoxious, abrasive behavior thanks to the wonders of alcohol. What a great way to learn the value of moderation when it comes to our own substance intake.

4.  Yes. Guys can be jerks when they drink. I have to point out that girls can, too. I know you know that. When people are drunk, their filters go on the fritz. That internal barometer that dings right before they do or say something stupid usually malfunctions. But I agree that this is worse. It’s worse because drunk guys in particular can be especially scary. Let’s agree to steer clear of those guys.

5. I completely agree. Just because the guy didn’t make a nasty, anatomically focused remark doesn’t change the fact he made you feel intimidated. And you shouldn’t simply sit back and “take it as a compliment,” just because what he said wasn’t gross. If he’d wanted to actually present you with a respectful compliment about being an attractive human, he would’ve done so differently. That wasn’t his goal. His goal was to own a moment with bravado, to prove that he gets to yell shit at anyone, whenever he feels like it, because that oh-so-important Y chromosome gives him the right to do so. Which is utter crap, of course. It is not OK for men to do that to women.

6. As for what to do if it happens again? Hmm. My girl, I hate to say this, but odds are good that it’s probably going to happen again, sometime, somewhere. If you ask any woman, you’ll learn that she’s probably also had this experience, to some degree or another. She will understand what it means to feel uncomfortable, exposed, unfairly targeted.

Catcalls in the future

Sweetheart, I know what I want to say. I want to say that if someone drunk guy catcalls you again as you walk by, you should turn around, walk right up to him, look him in the eye and tell him to shut the fuck up. See, many guys are all kinds of courageous when they’re not being confronted. And they usually don’t expect a woman to go eye to eye with them and call them on shit like that. They like it better when they see they’ve intimidated her. So a big part of me wants you to be the crusader who goes up to that guy and tells him to knock it the hell off.

And part of me is afraid that if you provoke a guy who’s being fueled by drunk bravado, it’ll result in a much more nightmarish scene that scares me too much to think about. That’s the part of me that wants to go with you to college and live next door to you until you graduate.

In the end, I didn’t have a lot of awesome advice for her about catcalls, other than to hold her head up high, be confident, and have enough strength to ignore the drunk doofuses of the world who get off on intimidating women. I told her she’s strong, she’s cool, and she deserves to be respected. I told that it’s a fight worth fighting, and I’ll have her back all the way.

I hope that’ll be enough.

Scene: Our dining room, evening. My daughter and I are setting the table.

Her: Hey, Dad. Want to hear a funny story?

Me: Always. Let’s hear it.

Her: OK, so today at lunch, I’m sitting outside with Grace and Skye. And we’re just, whatever, hanging out by the art studio and this guy comes up to us.

Me: What guy?

Her: Just some random guy.

Me (pausing to process): Random guy. A random guy. Like a guy your age? Or a 50-year-old guy in a raincoat roaming around your campus? Do I need to call someone?

Her (rolling eyes): Oh my God. I’m talking about a kid who goes to my school. Like, he’s probably in my grade.

Me: Oh. OK. Proceed.

Her: So. This guy comes up to us. And he says hi to me.  And I say hi. And he’s sort of good-looking, but not super good-looking. Like he’s just sort of OK. And then he says to me, “Your name is Ronnie, right?”  And I say yeah. And THEN he says, “I keep seeing you everywhere, and you’re really cute.”

Me: …

Her: And then after that, he says, “Maybe you could give me your phone number and we could do something some time.”

(Let me pause here. I feel it’s important to note that this is the first time this has actually happened to my 15-year-old daughter, as far as I know. While I think she’s absolutely wonderful and smart and cute and any guy would be lucky to be seen in public with her, this is the first time that a dude has actually come up to her and asked her for digits. Which is why, as she tells me the story, I begin to feel the first signs of a very gentle aneurysm coming on.)

Her: Are you still listening?

Me: Yes. Totally. Guy at your school thinks you’re cute and wants your number. This is a really great story. So … what did you say?

Her (putting her hands on her hips, and giving me a worldly expression): Well, so I’m all, “I’m not one to give my number out to guys I don’t know, sorry.”

Me (exhaling slowly, bathed in relief): Good answer.

Her: I thought so. And then I say, “But if we end up getting to know each other, then maybe.”

Me: Maybe. Maybe. Maybe what?

Her: Maybe then I’ll give him my number, duh.

Me: Oh. Right. And what did he say when you told him that?

Her: This is the best part: so then he says, “Well, then I guess I’ll just have to get to know you.” And then he takes off. Can you believe that?

Me: No. I mean, yes. So after that he just left?

Her: Yeah.

Me: Returning to his rusted-out van with the windows blacked out, parked behind the cafeteria dumpsters, maybe?

Her: Dad, OH MY GOD. I told you, he’s just some kid in my grade. I actually think he’s in my history class.

Me: Sorry.

Her: He’s just OK. He’s not really that cute. I mean, I don’t think he’s super attractive or anything like that. But, (she grins at me) isn’t that an awesome story?!?

Me: Awesome. Yes. Very super awesome.

Her: We’ll see what happens. Maybe I’ll give him my number and see what happens.

Me (muttering): Not if I drop your phone in the disposal.

Her: What did you say?

Me:  I said he sounds great.

Her (very self-satisfied): We’ll have to see. Do I have time before dinner to Skype with Grace?

Me: Yes. Go Skype.

And off she goes to her room, perfectly happy and self-assured. I am left sitting on the couch, vaguely shell-shocked, and feeling unprepared for whatever this is that’s happening.

She’s 15. I know this. I remember being 15. At the time, I felt totally in control of my destiny. I had a girlfriend who’d let me round second base with her on a regular basis and I was pretty sure we’d be going all the way by prom (I was wrong). I had friends who knew how to sneak liquor out of their parents’ cabinets so we could hang out in various parking structures around town, sitting on the hoods of cars, playing music, and pretending we enjoyed drinking vodka out of the bottle. I knew exactly how far to push my teen luck with my parents before getting in trouble re: curfews, cigarettes and general tomfoolery.

My daughter is more of a homebody than I was at her age. I trust her completely. She’s a good kid. She doesn’t sneak out of the house. (Seriously, she doesn’t.) She is anti-substance use. Someday, she’ll experiment with drinking, smoking and peer-to-peer groping I’m sure. But we haven’t gotten there yet.  And clearly, I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security, not to mention denial that it’ll ever actually happen.

Some dude at her school asked for her number. That’s all that happened today. No big.

No big.

Mike Domitrz received a life-changing phone call at age 19. His mom rang him at college to tell him that his sister had been raped.

That inspired Domitrz to start the Date Safe Project in 2003. Through interactive presentations, creative educational resources, and unique national initiatives, the Date Safe Project is committed to being the nation’s leading organization for creating healthier dating environments, a clearer understanding of “consent” and for raising awareness on the many issues surrounding sexual assault.

Domitrz joins the Modern Dads Podcast this week to talk about building a culture of sexual consent and how to have age-appropriate conversations with our children about relationships, intimacy, and respect. His book on the subject, Can I Kiss You?, takes an in-depth look at the positive realities of intimacy and the dangers that exist in the current dating culture for teenagers and adults. The book — loaded with candid advice, real-life scenarios, and interactive exercises — has received near-perfect reviews on Amazon and Good Reads.

+ Listen to ‘Date Safe’ podcast with Mike Domitez +

The Date Safe Project morphed into The Center for Respect. The Center for Respect provides an interactive, high energy live virtual and live onsite keynotes, trainings and workshops for creating a culture of respect for all. Topics include overcoming negative societal influences and assumptions, consent, respect, relationships, bystander intervention, supporting survivors, and building healthy relationships. Their services are available to schools — from middle to university levels, corporations and even the military.

City Dads Group columnist and L.A. chapter member Whit Honea joins us at the end of this Modern Dads Podcast. He comes on to discuss why he lets his two kids see both his strengths and his flaws.

I grew up in a house full of boys. We had black eyes and broken windows, a garage overflowing with every sports-related implement, and a fridge needing constant stocking as our ravenous appetites fueled our growing bodies.

When I became a father for the first time I was somewhat relieved my first child was a boy. I knew my knowledge of what it takes to become a man would come in handy.

When my first daughter arrived, I was scared. Raising daughters was an unknown for me. I laugh now at the old me who thought it would be different. Caring for an infant, be it a boy or girl, is generally the same. I loved them the same way even if their diaper changes required slightly different work. I sang them the same songs and attended to their cries the same. At bedtime, I hugged and kissed them the same.

That’s why it bothers me when I see dads wearing shirts setting rules for dating their daughters. I get weary of the photos of dad with a gun threatening future suitors with violence if they don’t behave themselves. I’m all for protecting my daughters but this implied violence accomplishes nothing.

How about we just teach our young boys what respect and love are truly about and give them the tools to make good decisions?

We can be better fathers by setting an example for the next generation and not using scare tactics on teenage boys. Our daughters are not unattainable prizes to be won. They are treasures to be cherished.

‘Raising daughters is nothing short of magical’

In a post on Facebook recently, a soon-to-be dad posted that if he and his wife have a baby girl, he hoped she would be born ugly.

Let that sink in for a moment.

While it may have been in jest, the rudimentary feeling is that women aren’t safe from men because we only think of one thing. This thinking, that an attractive young girl is going to have a tough time in the world today, is why we as fathers who believe in our daughters must prepare them better.

Here’s some news for that guy. Locking your daughter up in an ivory tower is never going to go well.

If you have a daughter, she’s going to be beautiful. You’re going to look at her and see yourself or your wife in her eyes or her little nose.

You’ll hear yourself in her laugh and spend hours looking at her toes. Those same toes will carry her far away someday.

She’s going to be curious about what is out there and you’ll want to protect her. But here’s the thing, you’ll also want to watch what she becomes.

I can tell you firsthand that raising a daughter is nothing short of magical. She will go through an amazing transformation seemingly overnight from the helpless little girl you once held in your arms to the teenager asking for the keys to the car. Don’t keep her from the world.

Both of my daughters are beautiful. They are smart. They are tenacious. I’ve seen those traits before somewhere. Oh yeah, from their mom! I mean, I purposely dated their mother because of those attributes. Instead of being afraid of your daughter garnering attention for who she is, embrace it.

Dads – let’s empower our daughters

I get it, you’re scared. You think that the world is inherently evil and that they can’t fend for themselves. Trust me when I say this: Keeping her from experiencing anger, fear, and sadness will only make her wonder more about what else is out there.

Instead of relying on threats, let’s empower our daughters. Let’s give them the tools they need to succeed. Your gun will never protect them in the way their humor, wit and creativity ever will.

Be better fathers by encouraging strong and smart as the norm. Foster curiosity and inquisitiveness. Let’s learn when to step back so they can be independent women who will make their own decisions and learn from them. Most of all, be there to support them when they fall and believe in them so they get back up.

You’ll do all of this without even realizing it when she is a baby. She’ll be curious about the world. She will want to explore and you’ll let her. Some day, she will be reaching for a block and you will want to give it to her but know you should hold back. You will want her to get there so badly you might be tempted to just give it to her.

Some days she will never get there and she will cry like it’s the end of the world. That’s when you’ll scoop her up in your arms and tell her it will be OK. She will forget all about that block and you’ll be there to console her.

Then there will come a day when she finally reaches that infernal block and raises it triumphantly in her little hand. That’s when she will look at you with the light catching her eyes and you’ll say to yourself, “Everything about you is beautiful.” And she will smile and say: “Thanks, Dad.”

A version of this first appeared on DadNCharge. Photo: IMG_0941 via photopin (license)