I think that woman just called me a pedophile.

That’s what went through my mind when I was once part of a panel of at-home dads on a syndicated talk show. The first question (more of an outlandish statement than a question) came from a mother who said she would never leave her daughter alone with a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). She was afraid a man helping her child in the bathroom would not be able to control himself. You know, because we can’t be trusted around a prepubescent vagina. She had seen some bad stuff go down … once on an episode of Law & Order.

As crazy as this woman sounded, it made me think: She can’t be the only one who feels this way. Other issues raised by the audience were less controversial but no less ridiculous. Here’s the actual TV segment:

Based on that experience, here are five sadly popular SAHD myths stay-at-home fathers regularly:

1. Don’t trust a SAHD with your children

This is one of the most annoying and horrific SAHD myths. One of my fellow panelists answered such a pedophile implication with, “That sounds like a ‘you’ problem, not a ‘dad’ problem.” The audience ate it up!

We were not talking about leaving your child with a stranger. I wouldn’t leave mine alone with someone I was not completely comfortable with, man or woman. Furthermore, I wouldn’t leave my children alone with anyone THEY were not completely comfortable with.

But labeling a stay-at-home father “untrustworthy” simply because he’s a guy? That audience member I first mentioned was dead wrong in her belief that a dad cannot be deserving of trust simply because he has a penis.

2. Fathers can’t bond with children like mothers can

I hear SAHD myths like this all the time: Sure, dads can be great parents, but they can never have the same relationship with their children as mothers.

I don’t deny the hard work and heroic efforts women endure during pregnancy and childbirth. A sincere “thank you” to all mothers. You brought us dads the greatest gift in the world. (So stop with the ties on Father’s Day: they’re ugly and we don’t like them.)

But, ladies, the children are just as much ours as they are yours.

I felt a bond with my children the first time I laid eyes on them. My daughter was a daddy’s girl from day one, often to the exclusion of my wife. (Something that caused tears on more than one occasion.) These things ebb and flow, and Mommy is the favorite these days. Not, however, because of some bond that I was not privy to because I have a penis.

3. Stay-at-home dads are not nurturers

What? More gender stereotyping SAHD myths! I am physically unable to pick up my 2-year-old son without kissing and hugging (and usually tickling) him.

There are certainly times when he prefers his mom, but bedtime is Dad Time. When he knows he’s tired, he crawls into my arms. And when he’s tired, but does not know it, I can calm his screams and get him to fall asleep far quicker than my wife can. I think my scent soothes him. I know his scent soothes me.

Nurturing, it should be said, goes beyond all the hugs and kisses I give my kids. I nurture their spirit, confidence, education, and sense of fun (and sometimes mischief). People who don’t think stay-at-home dads nurture have not seen a stay-at-home dad in action.

4.  At-home fathers are trying to be better than moms.

Are dads better stay-at-home parents than moms? What a dumb, meaningless question. But that is what the talk show producers wanted us to argue. Dads are not better than moms. And moms are not better than us.

Parenting is not a competition!

I don’t work against my wife to raise our children; I work with her. That we parent differently is a benefit to our kids. They get the best of both worlds.

5. SAHDs are the only fathers worthy of attention

Stay-at-home dads are so hot right now! But we are still in the minority. Not only compared to stay-at-home moms, but compared to all the active and involved fathers who go to work (or work from home) every day and are co-equal parents every night. Why are they being ignored by the media?

Stay-at-home dads are at the forefront of the changing image of fathers, but working dads deserve our attention, too. Like working moms, they are trying to have it all and should be lauded for their efforts. It is not being done enough, so I’ll do it here. You guys are defeating the stereotype of the lazy, bumbling dad who doesn’t know his way around a diaper. Keep up the good work, at the office and at home.

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A version of SAHD myths was originally published by Time Ideas before it ran here in 2014. Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash.

This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

The most prevalent examples of fatherhood tend to be built around the same story. It’s one about lazy, uninvolved, and at its worst, abusive dads. These often come accompanied by complaints about men not taking on their fair share of the physical and mental load of parenting. These stories of weaponized incompetence fill pages and pages of books, magazines and social media. Rarely do these tales offer corrective advice or give solutions.

Meanwhile, the handful of positive stories about fatherhood that have made headlines in recent generations tend to center on people later discredited or found disreputable (hello, Bill Cosby!) or sports stars who are gone from home half the year. Not that you’d find even these or any stories about dads in parenting publications and websites — unless, of course, it’s related to that one day in June.

It can be quite refreshing when fathers are ignored, though. For a minute, we can at least imagine we are part of the parenting world. The quiet doesn’t last long, though. Soon, more words are written. Did you hear about fathers who go on fishing trips with the boys and — wait — they end up in a strip club? And the question that is asked, if one ever is, is this: Why are all fathers like this?

That’s where I want to push back.

Dads need support, inspiring examples

Richard Reeves of the American Institute of Boys and Men has written much about the issues our gender faces. (His Substack is fascinating. He also wrote the book Of Boys and Men which is also a great read.) One of his many concerns is the lack of environments where boys can exist and learn from each other. But not as some “old boys’ network” of the past, but as a new way forward. Somewhere young males can develop their emotional intelligence and build friendships. Sounds great, right?

Another upcoming book, BoyMom by Ruth Whippman, is another great read about the issues facing our sons. She is one of the first to actually go into the “manosphere” and talk to incels or “involuntary celibate” males. One of her major research findings is the lack of good examples of masculinity. But after reading it, I also noticed — once again — a lack of good examples of fatherhood.

Society seems primarily to want fathers who are stoic men of action. These are the dads who “man up,” ignoring their own problems while fixing the world for everyone else. Other times, it wants dads who can cook a 12-course meal, make $200,000 a year, and do so without so much as a thank you. What it doesn’t show are examples of a dad who simply exists in the same space as his children and peers, parenting the best he can without feeling like he is letting someone else down. Why? It’s not dramatic. It has no diabolical twists and turns. It’s a straightforward tale of a man who works hard to fulfill his paternal responsibilities and shows up. Every. Single. Day.

Positive fatherhood role models are out there — right out in the open — and everyone seems to miss them. For some reason, at-home dads are rarely held up as the example of what fatherhood and masculinity could be at their best. Instead of showing these fathers (and other good ones who are not at-home dads) caring for their family, giving out hugs like it’s a beer share, or spending countless nights sleeping next to a crib, we inevitably hear, “Why aren’t dads doing more?”

We are. But it’s not very dramatic and, thus, rarely headline-worthy.

The silent story of fatherhood

I recently wrote about football player Jason Kelce’s retirement announcement. In that article, I used the phrase “silent story of fatherhood.” It served as a nod to Jason’s description of his dad, Ed, who supported him every step of the way from childhood. No fanfare. No awards. No recognition. And that is fine. But this is a story I think is way more common than the clickbait articles that allegedly “speak for fathers.”

To me, this is what at-home dads are. It’s what single fathers are. It’s what married fathers who work 60 hours a week and come home and still find the energy to let a toddler crawl all over them are. None of us want condescending credit or hollow compliments. We just want to spend time with our kids, and we’d appreciate it if we got some support along the way. We would love to be part of a world that recognizes our difficulties without turning them into a competition with other parents. And, we would like to turn on our computers and TVs and see a better example of fatherhood — one that speaks more clearly and personally to our reality.

Using these fathers as springboards, we should be able to change the story of fatherhood. We can develop narratives that show what we do well, what obstacles we face, and how we try to overcome them. We will still need to call out the bad fathers who leave their kids and never come back or who refuse to change a diaper but because they don’t deserve our respect they will serve far fewer words in our story let alone headlines.

Fathers DO have their own support groups: either online or in real life. Some are even specific types of fathers: at-home dads, dads with daughters, and so on. In these places, men can come together, simply exist and support each other like Dr. Reeves recommends. We can talk about the latest sports news and, just as confidently, tell another dad, “Hey, I don’t think I’m doing so well.” It’s where we can be vulnerable and further develop our emotional intelligence, just as Ruth Whippman wishes for her sons. It’s a place where we can be whole human beings, not the fraction of ones that much of the world has taught us to be. We should hold these men up as examples of and role models of fathers working to be, if not acting like, strong, competent and caring parents. I know they are because I see them every day.

And we need to do all this in a way that does not demean women and mothers. They need to be celebrated for their sacrifices as much as we need to be recognized for ours. Parenting isn’t a competition, so we should stop treating it that way especially when we speak and write about it.

So come to a dads’ group gathering sometime. Talk to the single dad who is an expert at French braids and who can also build you a deck. Find the at-home dad who gave up his career for playdates, doctors’ appointments and volunteering behind the scenes at his child’s school plays. Listen to the divorced father who would rather have a tea party with his child than a tee time at the links.

We exist. You just have to look and listen.

Fatherhood story photo by Pavel Danilyuk via Pexels.

Clear your calendar and line up some childcare for early May! You’re invited to attend the Mom 2.0 Summit parenting conference in Scottdale, Ariz.

Mom 2.0, scheduled for May 7-9, 2023, brings together influencers who create content online and on air in parenting, entertainment, food, politics, business, marketing, technology, social change, travel and design. City Dads Group is a media partner for the conference.

Despite the name, the Mom 2.0 Summit is not exclusively for women. Since its start in 2008, the annual conference has brought together like-minded parents passionate about creating content online, digital entrepreneurship, and writing.

 “We have partnered with the Mom 2.0 team in a variety of ways since our inception, and we know this will be a valuable experience for parent content creators and entrepreneurs,” said City Dads Group co-founder Matt Schneider.

Organizers have loaded the 2023 Mom 2.0 Summit with information from experienced creators and industry professionals. Slated discussions include:

• Turning your content into cash
• Building a successful online writing community, newsletter, or TikTok feed
• Becoming a local influencer
• Prioritizing, organizing and simplifying your life
• Working with brands and using affiliate links

+ + Get more info on 2023 Mom 2.0 Summit + +

Scheduled keynote speakers include:

• Jen Hatmaker. A New York Times bestselling author and podcaster. Her books include For the Love, Of Mess and Moxie and Fierce, Free and Full of Fire. She also hosts the award-winning For the Love podcast and leads an online community that reaches millions of people each week.
• Attica Locke. An award-winning author and writer/producer for television and film. A former writer and producer of the hit TV show Empire, Locke is also a New York Times best-selling author. Her novels include Heaven, My Home and Bluebird.
• Tembi Locke. Actor, screenwriter, TV producer, and like her sister, Attica, a New York Times best-selling author. Her memoir From Scratch: A Memoir of Love, Sicily, and Finding Home was adapted by Attica into the Netflix series From Scratch. The show earned six NAACP Image Award nods and a Los Angeles Film Italy award. 
• Austin Channing Brown. The CEO of Herself Media is a media producer, author, and speaker focused on racial justice in America. She is also the New York Times bestselling author of I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness. 

Along with scheduled speakers, panels and workshops, attendees will have ample time to network and connect with brands that work with online creators.

Mom 2.0 is to be held May 7-9, 2023, at the JW Marriott Scottsdale Camelback Inn Resort & Spa in Scottsdale, Ariz. Tickets cost $599.

Photo: Courtesy Mom 2.0 Summit.

I know most of the people who read this blog are involved fathers … BUT, maybe there are a few dads out there struggling with the decision of whether they should jump into the role of at-home dad … or maybe the role was forced upon them.

Like most job or career decisions, you might sit down and create a chart weighing your options carefully — the pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages, etc. The Pros and Cons of Being a Stay-At-Home-Dad: Should I Stay or Should I Go by I.J. Schecter on the Pregnancy Today website, is an article I was able to relate to and would recommend to dads considering taking on this rewarding role. Schecter’s list is below:

PROS

• You’re your own boss
• You’ll witness the big moments
• You’ll ease the pressure on your other half
• You’ll become your child’s best friend
• Guilt-free guy time on nights and weekends

CONS

• Shrinking vocabulary syndrome
• There’s no formal reward-and-recognition program like “good job dad!”
• Personal time? What personal time?
• Separation anxiety
• You’re going to be tired

We can certainly add to this list to make it even more comprehensive and give parents the information they need to make an informed decision. I would add that another pro is the opportunity to meet and connect with other parents who share sound advice and best practices to support and help you along the way. These are people I probably would never have become friends with, but as a result, I am a better person and parent because of them. I would add a con of the loneliness you can feel sometimes (a sense of isolation), especially being trapped inside on a cold day or when your child is sick.

Dads – what Pros and/or Cons would you add to this list?

Photo: © micromonkey / Adobe Stock.

Parenting.com published an article not too long ago, Mad At Dad: We love our husbands — so why are we so angry at them, so often? by Martha Brockenbrough. I really enjoyed this article for several reasons.

First, as an involved father, with many friends who are involved fathers, I found the statistics below surprising. Second, I live in a household where parenting in many ways is shared so I am curious to ask my wife if she is “mad” at this dad. Lastly, I would be interested to see the results of the survey if it were reversed, and 1,000 dads were asked the same questions.

The premise of the article is based on “Parenting‘s nationally representative survey of more than 1,000 mothers on MomConnection, an online panel of moms, the majority of us confess to feeling anger at surprising levels. We love our husbands — but we’re mad that we spend more mental energy on the details of parenting. We’re mad that having children has turned our lives upside down much more than theirs. We’re mad that these guys, who can manage businesses or keep track of thousands of pieces of sports trivia, can be clueless when it comes to what our kids are eating and what supplies they need for school. And more than anything else, we’re mad that they get more time to themselves than we do.”

I recommend reading the entire article, but I will highlight some of the statistics included:

• 46% of moms get irate with their husbands once a week or more.

• 44% are peeved that dads often don’t notice what needs to be done around the house or with the kids (it jumps to 54% for moms with three-plus children).

• Lots of moms — 40% — are also angry that their husbands seem clueless about the best way to take care of kids.

• 40% of moms are mad that dads can’t multitask.

• 31% of moms say their husbands don’t help with the chores — in fact, they generate more.

• 33% of moms say their husbands aren’t shouldering equal responsibility and are less concerned than they are about their children’s basic needs, like nutrition and clothing.

• one in four moms feels like she spends more mental energy on parenting than dads do.

• 50% of moms tell us their husbands get more time for themselves.

• 60% of moms don’t tell their friends what they’re going through, or they make light of it.

So, involved fathers and at-home dads, what is your response to the survey findings?

Photo: © Kaspars Grinvalds / Adobe Stock.