Fathers are incompetent man-children who may be able to keep their kids alive (in a pinch), but not much else.

Mothers are incessant nags who wouldn’t know a good time if it tickled their collective behinds, but they do know to take care of business … around the house, anyway.

WTF!?!

It seems impossibly outdated, yet somehow this view of parenthood as a battle between the sexes rather than a partnership persists.

Give me a friggin’ break.

I know my situation is different than the norm. I’m a stay-at-home dad. When my children go to my wife for help, do they look around and ask, “Where is Dad?” No. They ask her for what they need. When we’re both home, do we magically revert to old stereotypes, that she knows everything and I’m just a dumb lug who scratches himself all day? No! We have a partnership in this whole parenting thing.

I’ve seen the memes about helpless dads countless times. For each one, there are a host of women commenting “oh, yeah!” and “preach it, girl!” I usually just roll my eyes and make a mental note of which of my friends is an idiot that day (or who is getting really annoyed at this silly B.S., which can also be amusing).

Parenting partnership is no joke

These moms are probably mostly joking or venting, maybe thinking back to particular instances when their men could have done more … or maybe these moms just weren’t thinking at all. Totally understandable. I’ve encountered my share of arguably sexist memes and, for an instant, saw a grain of truth in them or just wanted to empathize or bond with the dude who posted it. Then I think about the message I’d be sending to the world – about my wife and women – and I keep scrolling. There are better things to like on the internet. But I’m not mad at the women who click “like” and leave messages of support for this view. I feel sorry for them. Their “partners” are not holding up their end of the implicit parental bargain.

However, I’m willing to bet that most parents recognize how valuable their significant other is. If not, something is wrong in that dynamic. It’s possible that dad is slacking and needs to get his act together. Maybe mom is stressed because dad feels his role as a parent is to provide for his family, and not much else. It’s also possible that mom won’t let him participate as much as he’d like to because he doesn’t fold the laundry the “right way” or cook a “perfectly balanced” meal the way she would. A parenting partnership requires some give and take, particularly the giving up and taking of control.

As a stay-at-home parent, I absolutely depend on my wife. Just like she could not put in long hours at work if I didn’t stay home with the kids, I could not take care of the kids all day if she didn’t share those responsibilities when she was home. I would lose my damn mind!

By the time we pick my wife up at the train station, I am ready to hand over the reins. I am all too happy to take on some of those household responsibilities I shirked during the day. After a long day at the office, every minute with the kids is precious for her. Yes, she’s exhausted, but in a different way. What is something of a break for her is the very thing that threatens every day to break me: those crazy kids and all their questions!

Upon further reflection, maybe those memes aren’t as far off as I originally thought. If the moms who liked it are anything like me, they’re probably hiding in the kitchen once their spouses get home. The kids aren’t asking dad where mom is because dad is a useless idiot, they’re asking because there are times when mom doesn’t want to be found! It’s a good thing that, like me, she has a husband in this whole parenting partnership thing who is ready, willing, and able to take on whatever questions, requests, and demands are thrown his way.

Parenting partnership first ran in 2104 and has since been update. Photo by Katie E from Pexels

When my first kid was born, I was terrified someone would take her from me. It was as if a little Rumpelstiltskin would show up and say, “Give me your firstborn!” Then he would run away with my kid to a sauerkraut factory. He’s a greasy little man in my visions.

What really worried me is that the moment my kid started crying, fusing or just existing, a mom or grandma would swoop in and take her away from me. I’m a dad, and dads are not built for caring for children. We all know he is an idiot that doesn’t know a onesie from a jumper. And the baby is crying because the baby doesn’t like Dad. Who the hell is the chump anyway? He smells like meat and sauerkraut.

That was my real fear. Not only would I not be good enough in others’ eyes, but I wouldn’t be good enough in my child’s eyes. I would be second best. Someone else would be her rock.

So, I took my kid and hid with her in the middle of the night. We watched Star Trek and the only judgement I got was from Captain Kirk. We boldly went to strange new worlds, exploring life together as I fed her, and my wife slept. This wasn’t a “favor” I was doing for my wife. This was for me. This was to ensure that no greedy hands would prevent me from being my daughter’s father in every way possible.

And it was there, with the Enterprise 1701, that I realized my kid didn’t prefer mom over me. The kid didn’t care at all. I was her dad, and that’s all that mattered. We are told that moms are more nurturing. It is explained to us that we don’t have that special gene that babies respond to more. We can’t ever know that bond.

What a load of crap.

Dads are meant for caring

“Babies are biologically programmed to engage with and be responsive to any and all adults who regularly provide care for them.”

That quote is from the book Myths and Lies about Dads by Dr. Linda Nielsen of Wake Forest University. Read that quote again and let that sink in. Truly.

How many times have we been told as fathers that we are JV team? Oh no, we can’t take the baby. Only moms know how to do that. And how many dads have used that excuse to get out of caring for their children? Man, that last one bothers me because you are robbing yourself of bonding experiences that can’t be recovered. It’s those late nights when our kids truly look at us and think, You know what, this guy is all right.

Those are the moments when we become a father, and we are often robbed of those opportunities. And that grand theft continues throughout their childhood as we are sidelined and gatekept by the well-meaning but misinformed.

Look, I know lots of dads who shun their duties. But I also know many of us had to fight to be involved, and even now we are ridiculed for it. We’ve all heard the stories of being yelled at while at the park or ignored during story time. We’ve all had our masculinity questioned because we stay home with our kids. Both fathers who shirk their responsibilities and fathers who are the primary caregivers can exist in the same universe. We shouldn’t be treated the same. Our kids shouldn’t be plucked out of our hands by small little people.

Dads are also born at children’s birth

“When a father holds his baby against this bare chest, his prolactin increases while his testosterone, blood pressure, and heart rate decrease.”

Well, look at that. Dads actually change biologically when our kids are born. We become calmer and less aggressive. We get ready to assume the role of caregiver. This is another fact from Dr. Nielsen’s book. We should all take note.

This week I helped an at-home dad. He was brand spanking new to it and felt like a failure. He had tied his worth to a paycheck and didn’t realize that when we dads care for our kids, that is our job. That it has as much value as when a mom does it. We change, we adapt, and we teach them the Vulcan death grip. No, we don’t do it like moms, and that is fine. Let moms be moms and dads be dads.

I hope he listened to me when I told him all this. I hope that he gets all the benefits of being Johnny on the spot. Dads are literally built to take care of our kids. Don’t let any little troll tell you otherwise.

Photo: © Halfpoint / Adobe Stock.

Editor’s Note: Back in 2014, City Dads Group co-founders Matt Schneider and Lance Somerfeld were asked to write about what they thought moms, bosses, and others should know about modern dads. Their words, which first appeared in New York Family magazine, still hold true today.

Modern dads can hack it

Generally, we as a society still haven’t quite come around to the idea that dads are also parents. If a dad takes his child on public transportation, goes grocery shopping, or bakes cupcakes for the school fundraiser, he’s a rock star. We’re over-praised by strangers for displaying even the most basic level of involvement in our children’s lives. Recently, on a crowded crosstown bus, Lance was reading a picture book with his son when a lady complimented him for being a “great dad.” What about all of the other moms and caregivers riding the bus with their children? Were they “great” parents too? The bar is still set extremely low for fathers, and we’re asking society to elevate their parenting expectations for us. We can deliver. Just give us the chance.

Today’s fathers love talking about parenting

There’s a mystique and misconception that modern dads keep their feelings inside when it comes to important topics like parenting and relationships. At NYC Dads Group, we have hosted parenting workshops about potty training, happy/healthy sleep habits, admission to preschool, becoming a new dad, and child passenger safety. We have heated conversations during these workshops. Dads were champing at the bit to share their opinions surrounding all topics of parenting. Modern dads want to share best practices for wiping their daughters after a poop, what to do when their kid refuses to nap, or what app they can use to log feedings during the first few months. They also want to vent their many frustrations. There’s the lack of changing stations in public restrooms, the lost spontaneity that comes with strict nap and feeding schedules, and not having enough personal time to pursue hobbies, see friends, or exercise. Today’s dads want to talk parenting — they just need the right forum.

New dads want it all

New and expectant dads are worried about how to be successful at work and successful at home. These dads share their fears and concerns about long hours, business travel, lack of paid family leave and/or flexible benefits, and rigid corporate culture. Not surprisingly, studies show that most dads want to be successful both in their careers and as fathers. We encourage dads to figure out what benefits they have and use them. They need to be transparent with supervisors so their bosses and coworkers know that being a parent is important. After that, we encourage working dads to carve out special time each week to tune in and do something they enjoy with their children.

Modern dads want to be on the team

Parenting is challenging work whether it’s mom or dad in charge. We believe in the idea that dads can be just as nurturing, capable, and confident as moms. Our children need to be fed, cared for, brought to school, assisted with homework, and shuttled to practice. Domestic chores like laundry, cleaning the home, and paying bills need to be tackled, and we’ve drawn the conclusion that it’s so much easier as a high-performance tag team of two. Today’s dads need ample opportunities early and often to learn. Too frequently, moms feel as if they’re the only ones who can properly care for their children, and dads are pushed aside. Please let us fail miserably, pull ourselves up, and learn from our mistakes so we can be capable partners.

Today’s fathers are different

Research shows fathers are more physical with their children. We might push them to take more risks. We also might do less housework, be the “fun” parent, and be more strict disciplinarians.

Frankly, we see plenty of dads on all sides of the spectrum — from the dad who totes around a paring knife and cutting board so fruits and vegetables are prepared at the ready to the dad who doesn’t cook at all and is fine with store-bought snacks. We see the handy dad who turns a milk carton and popsicle sticks into a birdhouse, and dads who pay their building’s super to put together the new toy kitchen. We see the dads who hover over their children as they move from one rung to the next on the monkey bars and dads who encourage their children to scale a 10-foot-high park fence. In our experience, modern dads don’t care about these misconceptions about whether we do it the same or different.

Bottom line? Children benefit from being exposed to various parenting styles. Feel free to find your rhythm, go with your gut, and embrace your differences.

Photo: © opolja / Adobe Stock.

The best thing my wife ever did for me after my son was born was nothing.

Let me explain.

Babies were a mystery to me when my son was born. Lamaze classes are great, but once you’re holding that squirming and peeing baby, everything goes out the window. The only thing I was confident doing when my son was born was changing diapers. I used to work with developmentally disabled adults and had changed thousands of diapers, so I had diapering down.

Everything else? Clueless.

Clueless, but fearless. I was completely confident that I was going to “get it.” And I was determined to do so.

My wife was equally confident I would be able to understand how to go about taking care of a baby. She would leave me alone with our new baby without worry.

Within days of our baby’s birth, I was alone with a crying little guy who I had no idea how to quiet. I walked around, danced, bobbed, did everything I could to help calm him, but time and again I failed. I tried to give him a bottle, but that also didn’t work. He was unhappy and I didn’t know how to hold him.

So there we were: two guys who didn’t know one another.

But my wife left us alone, and we figured it out.

My wife never yanked him from my arms and said, “Hold him this way.”

She never yelled, “You’re doing it wrong!”

She let me figure it out on my own.

My wife understands how I learn things. I’m like a lot of guys, I learn from being in the moment. I learn by doing things with my hands. Looking back, it must have been frustrating for her to watch the two of us struggle, but those struggles were important so that we could understand one another.

All too often I hear from new dads whose wives make them feel incompetent. This makes them not want to bond with the baby, let alone be unable to bond. Constantly fearing you’re doing it wrong and you’ll be scolded for doing so is not the way to start a parenting partnership. I don’t know if my wife consciously did this for me or if it was simply the result of being exhausted from delivering and breastfeeding.

Whatever the reason was, what she did was good for me.

A version of this first appeared on One Good Dad. Photo: Contributed by Greene Family.

The title intrigued me: The Happiest Mommy You Know.

I live with one mom (my wife) and two possible future moms (my teenage daughters), so I read Genevieve Shaw Brown’s new book with them in mind. Brown’s mantra is that mothers should treat themselves as well as they instinctively treat their children.

The Happiest Mommy You Know originated from a popular Good Morning America television segment about “The Baby Diet.” Brown explains that after preparing organic feasts for her young children, she would often eat fast food in yoga pants. But when she started eating the healthier foods (on the healthier schedule) that her kids ate, she lost weight and felt better. Gradually, she extended what she calls this “revolutionary” self-care idea — exercising and sleeping more, dressing better, and making more time for friends and her partner. The result? A much happier mom.

Though dads are not her intended audience, I found myself agreeing with most of her self-care ideas. She also incorporates helpful research, anecdotes, and humor. When I was in the throes of early at-home parenthood, her chapter on maintaining fashion would have been especially useful. (That was me in the baseball cap and milk-stained sweatshirt.)

Maternal gatekeeping, stereotyping shuts door on dads

But this identification with her ideas leads to my problem with The Happiest Mommy You Know. Brown declares that she and her husband, Ryan, are “true partners in every sense of the word” who share domestic labor as two working parents. Gradually, however, she reveals a mindset of maternal gatekeeping that I would argue contributes to unhappiness and exhaustion.

For example, she selects the kids’ clothes before bed every night “so that if, for whatever reason, Ryan gets to them before I do in the morning, there is zero chance of an unacceptable outfit being chosen, resulting in a clothing change and wasted time.” This sounds like “old girls’ club” talk; a dad is capable of picking out reasonable clothes for his children.

The book also contains some unhealthy generalizations about dads. Brown states:

• “Moms are actually ‘on’ all night, too. A child wakes up from a nightmare … and there’s only one person they want to fix it: Mom.”
• Regarding family travel, “Mom’s the one packing the beach bag, lathering everyone up with sunscreen … planning every meal, executing every activity.”
• And she claims a thank-you note “is exactly the kind of thing moms do that dads just … literally never think of.”

These statements are more reactionary than “revolutionary.” They are also false in many homes, especially mine. Part of a mom’s (or dad’s) self-care should be an awareness of how conventional gender roles can sabotage their happiness. To be fair, Genevieve Shaw Brown eventually reflects that some of her unhappiness has stemmed from her own choices, or self-imposed burdens, and desire for control. And she is right to acknowledge the historical “weight of parenthood” for women, which unfairly leaves mothers feeling they do both too much and not enough.

But I would challenge her assessment that “perhaps there will be a time in the future when [the weight of parenthood] will come down more on Ryan. Maybe not.” I say yes, the future is now!

Don’t succumb to a lack of imagination; dads are more capable and involved — and under more pressure from the weight of parenthood — than ever. Moms can help sustain the momentum by expecting and enabling more from their husbands, rejecting generalizations and gatekeeping in the process. To use Brown’s formulation, the self-care practice of “letting our needs be known” seems like the best way to share the burdens of parenthood equally, and the key to happiness for both moms and dads.

Parents suck. Honestly, politicians are probably the worst. And other people’s kids suck pretty bad, too. So do Nazis.

In fact, I changed my mind. I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Nazis are really the worst.

But parents still suck pretty bad. I knew it before I had a kid and it’s become even more apparent since I joined their ranks.

Here are some of the reasons why.

11 reasons parents suck

1. Their kids.
2. Their constant complaining about their ungrateful, undisciplined, un-sleeping, whiny, tantrum-throwing kids.
3. Their constant bragging about their incredibly smart kids, incredibly athletic kids or incredibly cute kids. Guess what? I was smart and athletic and cute once, too. Then I hit puberty.
4. Their constant posting on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest about their kids. There’s a reason I avoid you in real life, stop making me avoid you in fake life, too.
5. The griping about how expensive babysitters are. You know what’s not expensive? CONDOMS.
6. The constant discussions about children’s TV, music, movies and books. I used to watch that junk, too. When I was in college (read: wasted), I didn’t hold nonstop conversations about it. At least not conversations I can remember. I wish I couldn’t remember the last time you brought up how much you hate Caillou.
7. We get it: you’re tired. News flash: Everyone’s tired. It’s called 5-Hour Energy. Quit being a martyr.
8. Their breathless worrying about video games and social media and twerking and sex and violence and alcohol and concussions and peanut allergies and we’re out of hand sanitizer! I heard about this crazy thing the other day, it’s called 200,000 YEARS OF HUMAN SURVIVAL. So take it down a notch, Chicken Little. Your kids will be fine.
9. Their tax break
10. “I can’t! I have to: pick up my kid/hang out with my kid/read to my kid/feed my kid/not drink because of my kid/pretend I care all about my kid’s recital or baseball game or doctor’s appointment/use my kid as an excuse to not have fun because I’m super lame now.”
11. “I can never go to the movies! Waaaah!” You know who can go to the movies? CONDOMS.

Bonus: Their ridiculous, obnoxious, self-righteous, totally unsupportable belief that they’re a better parent than you.

A version of “Parents Suck” first appeared on Dad and Buried. Photo: 6658 Tired via photopin (license)

I have written a lot about parental gatekeeping, and even used myself as an example of a gatekeeper that both deprives myself of the opportunity to have a partner in the endless job of parenting and deprives my wife of the opportunity to be the kind of mother she wants to be, and the kind of mother she wants our boys to see.

Donald Unger, a good friend to the NYC Dads Group and author of Men Can, continues this line of thinking in a recent piece for Genders Across Borders called “None of Us Can Have It All, It’s Too Much to Carry.” Unger, a keen observer of the relationship between parents, suggests that it is time for women to both allow and insist that their parenting partners have the opportunity to be equal parents by yielding ground at home. According to Unger:

“As women began to move into the professional sphere in the 1960s and 1970s, we began to reconfigure what American workplaces looked like and how they operated. That process is ongoing and imperfect and – for many women and men – often painful. Feminist theorists like Carol Gilligan argued that inclusion was not enough, that bringing women into domains that had previously been all-male meant something more than simply expanding the workspace, bringing in new people. It meant, as well, adjusting to, accommodating, incorporating and often benefiting from the ways in which women do things differently from men.

That’s what has to happen in the domestic sphere as well. Men aren’t going to act exactly as women do when it comes to cooking, cleaning and – perhaps especially – kids. And men who didn’t grow up being socialized as caregivers – biology isn’t the crux of the matter – are sometimes going to get things wrong, in some of the very same ways that women who aren’t socialized to be caregivers get things wrong. We learn how to be parents – all of us. It’s a tough and ever-changing job.”

Much has been written about the perils of having it all, but not enough is written about the impossibility of “being it all.” Neither men nor women can “be it all” at home and in the workplace, and the only way to even consider “having it all” is to negotiate a parenting partnership that is satisfying for both partners.

Thanks to Matt S. for continually steering us in the right direction on some amazing local parenting articles.  In Matt’s words, this one is “outstanding.”  I believe it to be some of the most relevant content regarding fatherhood and I am excited to share it with others as well.

As an at-home dad and very involved parent, I embrace parenting concepts like Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules For a New Generation of Parents by Marc & Amy Vachon.  Equally Shared Parenting enables my wife and I to both “dig” into parenting so we reap it’s countless rewards (and scary challenges).  We are teammates!  

Attention all parents! You MUST read Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode Post, Parents as Teammates.  For one, it is a guest post written by Amy & Marc Vachon.  Two, it is powerful, easy to relate to, and full of truth.  One of those articles you read, where you catch yourself continually nodding your head in agreement.  Lastly, the Vachon’s offer very practical advice that most parents can try out (even though it will be a challenging task for many families).  Yep, they gently nudge the mom’s to start supporting dad as equal status and poke the dads to start digging into fatherhood.  For dad: “This means getting busy getting competent. Here we have the same principle that works everywhere else in life — at work, in sports, in the bedroom: success and enjoyment come not from faking one’s way through the motions, but from knowledge, skills development, and experience.”

Satisfaction doesn’t happen if he takes the easy way out when the going gets tough — when the kids scream to bring back Mom at bath time, when Mom seems so much “better” at packing a toddler-friendly lunch or handling a tantrum or when faced with a whole weekend of solo parenting. It won’t work to simply mimic how others act either; he needs to develop his own sustainable style of relating to his kids. Hiding behind apathy or incompetence is a lonely way of life. Getting good at anything worthwhile makes anyone feel great — because it is authentic.

Sure, this advice may be easier for dads in my position who are already the primary caregiver, but all dads should read this with an open mind.  You will be glad you did…

As an at-home dad and primary caregiver to our two year old son, I am confident and enjoy being in control of the parenting as well as the ebb and flow of the schedule for him on a daily basis. Consequently, sometimes I “get caught in the minutia” and don’t recognize the big picture when watching my wife parent. Her style is so completely different than mine and I often have difficulty letting go and relinquishing control. Reflecting, I should recognize the importance that her different parenting style is extremely healthy for our son to be exposed to, and I need to loosen the reigns a bit. After all, he needs variety. Always the diplomat in life, has parenting turned me into a dictator or the “Gate Keeper?” I know I just need to be more relaxed when passing the torch to my wife for a while, but it will take some work on my emotional competencies. She is wonderful with him…dare I say it, maybe even better than me.

These reflective thoughts arose as I read a relevant article in the May issue of Crib Notes – Can Stay-at-home Moms and their Working Husbands Get Along? by Laurie Puhn:

My friend told me that she loves her husband, but she can’t stand him when he offers opinions on raising their young children. 

“When my husband has parenting suggestions I get annoyed, even though he certainly has the right as the daddy to be a part of the decision-making process.”

Despite her admission of his fatherly rights, the emotional tug of “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” is too much of a draw and they get into unnecessary fights.  After all, she doesn’t tell her husband what to do at work, so why should he interfere with her job at home?

Now, this is an extreme case (“can’t stand him”), but it makes you stop and think for a minute about how you process and respond to your partner’s parenting advice/suggestions.

The New York Times enlightens me again! Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers) By LAURIE TARKAN was published in the NY Times Health Section this week. I found the article so thought-provoking about how I approach parenting with my wife that I had to read it several times.

Many of the articles and research published lately points toward having dad more involved & engaged in parenting. These reports state that having fathers more involved in parenting decreases the chances for your child to suffer from depression, hyperactivity, or acting out.

This particular article describes a different type of parenting research focusing more on the happiness of the couple. “In the last 20 years, everyone’s been talking about how important it is for fathers to be involved,” said Sara S. McLanahan, a professor of sociology and public affairs at Princeton. “But now the idea is that the better the couple gets along (willingness to compromise, expressing affection or love for their partner, encouraging or helping partners to do things that were important to them, and having an absence of insults and criticism), the better it is for the child.”

The article also describes the concept of a turf battle where the moms act as “gatekeepers” toward parenting. “As much as mothers want their partners to be involved with their children, experts say they often unintentionally discourage men from doing so. Because mothering is their realm, some women micromanage fathers and expect them to do things their way, said Marsha Kline Pruett, a professor at the Smith College School for Social Work at Smith College and a co-author of the new book “Partnership Parenting,” with her husband, the child psychiatrist Dr. Kyle Pruett (Da Capo Press). This gatekeeper concept was discussed even further by Lisa Belkin interviewing Kline & Kyle Pruett in a separate article and podcast on Lisa’s awesome Motherlode Blog, in a posting titled, Making Room for Dad.

After reading this article, I am aware that it is important for me to focus on my child, but equally, as if not more important, to focus on being a great husband & maintaining a solid relationship with my wife. Getting that babysitter for date night is of paramount importance. However, I must admit my shortcomings – I need to hone my skills in being an active listener and better communicator of my feelings.