Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. This one on setting limits with your child comes from 2010.

A friend of mine recently said parenting really starts when your baby becomes a toddler and starts to turn against you: resisting going to bed, testing what happens when they throw that very healthy food on the floor, and walking independently becomes climbing on the sofa, the coffee table, or the kitchen counter. (Check out our post on positive discipline.) I completely agree!

I attended an informative parenting discussion at the 92nd Street Y Parenting Center in Manhattan to educate and equip myself with more tools to face these challenges. Overall, I enjoyed listening to other parents vent their frustrations as well as share successes with limit setting. The key for me is to understand where to draw the line versus where to let things go. I don’t want to fight every battle and I don’t want to say “no” to too many things. As with teaching and learning, if we get things right in the early years, won’t it be easier to set limits later on?

There were so many key points shared throughout the night. The 92nd Y summarized many of them in their “suggestions to help with toddler behavior and setting limits.” Some are common sense, but together they form a nice roadmap to follow. Please take them more as food for thought than as rules to live by.

Setting limits for child behavior

• Think of discipline as guidance that helps toddlers in their ongoing behavior.

• Because they are changing and growing so rapidly, toddlers need rituals, routines, and regularity — they find this reassuring.

• Let them do things that they can do, even if it takes longer.

• Toddlers need limits to feel safe and cared for.

• Hitting and spanking doesn’t work. It shows kids that it is OK to hit and hurt people. Children will learn more from what you do than from what you say (actions speak louder than words).

• Reinforce positive behavior and try to ignore or discourage unsuitable behavior. “DISTRACT & REDIRECT” — offer substitutions and distractions in a positive way when possible.

• The limits you set should be clear, consistent and as few as possible.

• Make your environment as child-friendly as possible so you don’t have to say “no” all of the time.

• Toddlers don’t like big and abrupt changes. Give some advance notice when you will be changing an activity. Try to motivate them to the next activity by talking to them as you begin: “We’re leaving the park in a few minutes'” and then, “Let’s see what we can have for dinner.”

• Praise them when they follow your limits and encourage their progress.

• Keep bribes to a minimum. Sure, you may use the strategy on occasion, but the pattern can get out of hand.

• Don’t call children “bad” or “naughty.” It may hurt their self-confidence and they may learn to believe they are really “bad.”

• Toddlers learn a little bit at a time and need constant reminders.

• Tantrums are to be expected! Try to stay calm, consistent, reassuring and wait it out.

• Save “time outs” for rare occasions. Some parents don’t use them at all!

• KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR! In the heat of the moment, this one may be hard to keep in mind, but it is so important.

Photo: © luismolinero / Adobe Stock.

I had the privilege recently of getting my feet wet in the infamous New York City preschool selection process. That’s not including watching the documentary Nursery University, which I highly recommend.

I attended a 92nd Street Y’s workshop, lead by its parenting center director, Sally Tannen, on “Planning Your Child’s Early School Years: Learn the appropriate age your child can begin preschool, which programs are available, and how to observe a preschool.” Overall, it was a very positive and non-threatening experience. There was a lot to digest about the preschool selection process here in NYC, but I will try to highlight some of the key points:

• The terms “preschool” and “nursery school” are synonymous but they are not the same as daycare, which usually for younger children.
• Every preschool program has a different age cutoff date so make sure you check the date of the schools you are interested in (for example, some programs start at age 2.6 = your child MUST be 2 1/2 years old)
• Most nursery schools don’t expect your child to be in a “twos” program or to have learned the separation process beforehand – in fact, separation is one objective of nursery school
• NYC, Washington, Boston and San Francisco are among some of the major cities with an extremely competitive preschool selection process.

What is the purpose of nursery school? So many things, but Tannen pointed out that it is to:

• learn to be a part of a group,
• learn to be able to tolerate frustration,
• have a place to play,
• experience a feel-safe environment that is not home,
• to have a place to take risks, and
• learn from mistakes while building self-esteem

What are the important factors (in no particular order of importance) when considering a particular a facility during the preschool selection process?

• Exact age of your child and does it match the cut-off of the school.
• Location — the closer, the more convenient.
• Length of “school” day
• Number of days per week
• Cost
• Separation phase-in process when your child begins

Preschool selection process broken down

Introduction

• Make a comprehensive list of preschools that interest you (using resources such as The Toddler Book by Parents League of NY or The Manhattan Directory of Private Nursery Schools by Victoria Goldman and Marcy Braun)
• Go through the important factors list (displayed above) including birthday cut-off dates for each of them to whittle down your lengthy list
• Call each nursery school or visit their website to determine their application process (for most, it starts the day after Labor Day)
• Get prepared for a lengthy process that includes calling for an application, completing the application, going for a tour, a personal school visit (the interview), and the waiting game. This last part usually lasts from September (the day after Labor Day) until early March (when acceptance letters are mailed & received)

1. The Day after Labor Day – you call each school you are very interested in to request an application or schedule your tour (don’t be upset, but the number of applications distributed to prospective parents are limited so you may get shut out from a few schools).

2. How many schools should you apply to? “This is a tough question,” Tannen said. “Realize it is a big disruption to your child to go on so many school interviews.” Inferring from the discussion, it sounds like applying to only two schools is too little and ten schools may be too much. Demand is high in NYC because of the limited amount of bigger nursery schools, significant number of applicants, and because siblings get priority.

3. Going on the school tour — realize that these nursery schools want to minimize distractions for their current students so tours may be scheduled in the late afternoon or even on a Saturday. If it occurs during the normal school day, then it probably won’t happen until late October or November once the school session has settled in.

4. Arranging for a personal school visit (most schools do not use the term interview) – Some schools use the term “play date” because it is a small group of four to six kids playing together on one side of the classroom while the parents are in a discussion with the director on the other side of the room.

5. What is the school looking for during this personal visit? Does your child follow directions, does your child clean-up after an activity, and how does the parent interact with their child (if the opportunity presents itself). these play dates are short, only 20 – 30 minutes, so it is difficult to learn a lot from them.

6. “Getting in” – Around March 1, the schools send out their acceptance letters. Chances are you will get wait listed to many of the schools that you apply. If you get accepted to a school, you have about 10 days to make your final decision so the schools can start working on their wait list. Think about this: Let’s say a family sends in applications to 8 schools and their child gets into 3 of them. Well, they can only select one school, so two of the schools are going to have to use their waitlist. Basically, these wait lists are “for real!”

A few last notes as food for thought…

• if the nursery school application provides four lines and it says “tell us about your child” – use only those four lines to describe your child (“do what they ask on the application, not what they don’t ask.”)
• Dress your child like they are getting ready to play, when going to the personal school visit, not like they are going to a wedding
• there is no specific protocol about sending than you letters after the school visit – they are NOT expected

Photo:  Jerry Wang on Unsplash

I am a big fan of the 92nd Street Y – let me explain:

• Their director, Sally Tannen, holds weekly parenting discussions every Wednesday from 10:30am – noon, covering a range of topics – eating solids, childcare, gender expectations, baby temperament, etc. These weekly discussion last about an hour and are filled with about 20 – 25 new moms and me. Lately, there have been a few dads attending as well. I love going because it only costs $10, my son loves to play on the rug with the other babies, and it is interesting to hear the range of opinions from all of the parents in the group. I can’t believe that more stay at home dads don’t attend! Maybe it’s because not enough dads know about it (the reason for this posting) or they are intimidated by a large group of new moms. Either way, the 92nd Street Y always makes us feel welcome.
• The 92nd Street Y is one of the only places that I am aware of that recognizes new dads and actually has a class designed specifically for new dads with kids from 0 – 1 year old. Their class takes place on Sunday mornings and is facilitated by a guy who holds a PsyD. The good: it is only for 5 sessions lasting an hour each, loosely structured and covers a range of topics, quality bonding time with your baby, you meet some great guys (I know because I participated in this class last Fall and still meet up with a lot of the guys for Sunday Brunch). The bad: the group consists of mainly working dads (I did not meet any other stay at home dads), and takes away some valuable weekend time with your wife.
• The 92nd Street Y has tons of programs for parents to be as well as new parents including “rock & roll Baby” for 5 – 9 month old kids which Jake and I just finished. They also had the author of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child – Marc Weissbluth – speak to parents one evening in March. Our NYC Dads Group is partnering with the Y at the end of the month when Dr. Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain and Understanding Your Son’s Development, and psychologist, speaks to us about being a dad in tough economic times and the joys/challenges of being a stay at home dad.

I know I sound like a 92nd Street Y infomercial! What I am trying to say is that the Y offers top notch programs, so more Dads and Stay At Home Dads should take advantage of their resources…and then I won’t be the only stay at home dad participating in all of these classes by myself!

If some of you dads out there are taking classes somewhere that has classes specifically designed for dad’s or you are participating in a Parent & Me class that is so good you want to share it with the rest of us, please share and add a comment.