When my daughter was born, my paternity leave consisted of whatever paid and unpaid time off from work I could bank before the big due date. It took me almost two years, but I saved a month’s worth of vacation, sick and personal days. During that month, I changed diapers, helped my wife recover from a C-section, and bonded with my child.  

At the end of my paternity leave, which was still an oddity then, I returned to work. I had no choice. My wife’s maternity leave was at reduced or no pay at all and my family needed my health insurance and paycheck. Things were fine until they were not.

My wife had to have gallbladder surgery during her maternity leave. She also popped a stitch carrying our newborn down the stairs and was in a lot of pain. I wanted to be there but couldn’t. I felt helpless.

What prevents men from being engaged fathers?

It is no secret mothers carry most of the mental load of parenting. There is a demand, and rightly so, for fathers to be more engaged. However, after the argument for better paternity leave policies, there is no path for this to happen. Many men are prevented from becoming engaged fathers.

To put it bluntly, many fathers can’t afford to spend more time with their kids. It’s the exact same situation I found myself in 17 years ago.

According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, 55% of marriages “have a husband who is the primary or sole breadwinner, and 16% have a breadwinner wife.” The study also reports 29% of marriages where both spouses earn the same amount. While that last number is encouraging, the onus for providing an income for a family still falls primarily on men.

Now add in the average annual cost for childcare (a little over $10,000) and health insurance ($23,000). An average American family is already 33 grand in the hole the minute they have a child. This is before we get to the rising cost of diapers and formula, the housing market, or general inflation. Working parents everywhere are struggling just to survive. The term “side hustle” has now become part of a parent’s lexicon.

As a stay-at-home dad, I have seen the struggles my wife has endured as our financial caregiver. This goes beyond missing baseball games or not helping with laundry. She has fought back against misogyny and sexism to keep our health insurance. I point this out because being the primary breadwinner keeps one of the parents from being as engaged as they would want to be. And this cuts that way for most fathers.

Finally, societal and grassroots support systems in place for fathers are lacking. There is very little mentorship, acceptance or consistent quality advice available for fathers. A simple but telling sign: there are still men’s bathrooms in this day and age without changing tables. It’s such a simple fix that would help fathers and mothers everywhere.

My own experiences have shown me that fathers in the everyday parenting world are either treated as a potential threat or lavished with false praise for doing the simplest parenting job. When I go out with my dads’ group and their kids, especially early on when we had six dads with strollers, we’ve been stopped and asked to pose for pictures. I know of one father who was told to sit quietly during a playgroup with moms and not to speak unless someone approached him. And although that is a dramatic example, it still points to the problem.

What’s the solution to creating more engaged fathers?

To have more engaged fathers, ones that take on the mental load and are allowed to participate fully in family life, we have to make it possible for them to do so.

The burden of financial caregiving needs to be lessened. This includes affordable health insurance not tied to your employment and reasonable childcare. This is more difficult. In 2022, The Inflation Reduction Act was passed but cut out provisions for pre-kindergarten funding, lower childcare costs and enhanced tax credits, among others. This is disastrous for not just fathers. Not only did we not ease the financial difficulties for parents; we made it worse.

When legislation like this is passed, it’s mostly discussed on how it affects women and children. Fathers are often forgotten about in governmental policies and programs, which only adds to the dad as a “less than” parent association. For example, look at the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children, or WIC for short. Even though fathers can access the program, it’s not exactly inviting. Caregiving is genderless. Luckily, in this case, The National Fatherhood Initiative, one of the largest non-profit fatherhood-focused organizations, works with “human service organizations to be intentionally and proactively father-inclusive.”

To correct this thinking, we all need to treat fathers as parenting equals and expect them to be engaged. That means parenting spaces need to be more welcoming. When I go to story time with my children, I don’t need to ask why no one wants to sit next to me. I don’t need to be stopped for pictures with my dads, and please don’t applaud me for going to the grocery store with three kids. I’ve been doing it for 16 years, it’s normal.

And as it is normal, there continues to be a need for more fatherhood organizations that encourage the everyday involvement of fathers. These have been growing over the last decade such as Fathering Together, Movember for men’s mental health, and many others. There has also been more fatherhood advice that reaches dads where they are such as podcasts like The Dad Time Out Show and the Dadass Podcast, which recently worked with the Columbus City Council to install 130 changing tables. This is the kind of societal change that will go a long way to show that fathers are welcome, needed, and valued.

Becoming an engaged father doesn’t end with paternity leave. It’s the beginning and the first step to a future that is better for all parents.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo: Takako Harkness Photography courtesy New York Baby Show

When our family’s child care situation proved unworkable last year, we knew we had to make a major lifestyle change. For us, it was bringing an au pair into our home to help care for our two children.

Au pair comes from the French, meaning “on par” or “equal to.” Agencies we talked to repeatedly stressed this concept. Unlike a live-in nanny, an au pair is expected to be treated more like a family member than a salaried employee.

What is an au pair?

Au pairs in the United States come from a foreign nation to live in your house for one year. They have J-1 student visas which require them to take courses during their time in the States. Host families set their schedules with certain labor law limitations and requirements (up to 45 hours a week, no more than 10 hours a day, paid vacation). Their duties often include watching and teaching the kids, changing diapers, giving baths and bottles, doing the kids’ laundry, and cleaning playrooms. Other responsibilities are up to the family. These may include school pickup or driving them to appointments, tutoring, or preparing meals for the broader house. The key in all of these arrangements is the “equal to” mentality. They’re paid, but not as servants — more like a cousin who’s living with you for a year. 

Finding an au pair was an interesting experience in itself. Many au pair agencies exist and, once you sign on with one, the experience becomes similar to the online dating systems my wife and I used to meet one another years ago. We created a profile and looked at candidates through a search portal online. We scrolled through profiles, read compatibility tests, and eventually conducted video interviews. Our candidate pool was a bit unique and limited. As a vegan house, we didn’t want to ask a non-vegetarian to live with us. Yet, we still had many people to consider.

Costs to consider

At this point, you hit the biggest con of the program: the cost.

An au pair costs roughly $10,000. (We found a similar price among the many agencies and programs we investigated.) This money goes to the program itself. It pays for the search, flights to bring your au pair to the States, training, visas and insurance. Beyond that, by law, the family pays the au pair a minimum weekly $200 stipend.

Then come the additional costs. You are responsible for room and in-house boarding. If your au pair drives, your auto insurance will rise. Most host families also cover their helper’s phone. If you plan to travel with your au pair, expect more expenses. You must pay for flights, separate hotel rooms, meals, entertainment tickets, etc. It adds up fast. 

Yet, even with all the above, the costs can come out well worth it. A single au pair cares for all your children. If you send two or three kids to daycare, an au pair may be far cheaper.

Our experience so far

Our au pair, Stefanin, arrived from southern Brazil eight months ago. It took a few months for my wife and I, as well as our two kids, to get used to the arrangement. Another person suddenly always being in the house is an adjustment. At times it felt like we’d adopted an older teenager. At other times it felt like we had Mary Poppins, minus the British accent. Note: Many au pairs do not speak English as a first language, which is one reason they join the program — to improve those skills. 

The biggest pros for us are the consistency and the flexibility. We set Ste’s schedule before each month, but if something happens, like a child getting sick, we don’t have to cancel having a sitter. Just last week, my wife was out of town. My 4-year-old daughter fell and injured her head. I called an ambulance and rushed her to the hospital, but was able to leave my son home, knowing he was fine with Ste. Having that extra adult there made a huge difference for my peace of mind. 

I am glad my children get to interact with someone who can teach them a bit about Brazil and South America. I’m glad for the flexibility and reliability in child care she’s provided, allowing my wife and I to take fairly regular date days. I’m also grateful for the help she’s given when we have traveled with her, whether just for a day or for longer trips. 

Is an au pair right for your family? It’s a different way to spend a year, and a different option to consider. Not every match works well. Yet, many matches go on to be part of the family forever. The program changed how I parent and live. It helped my kids, too. If it works for you financially, it’s something to consider.

For more information:

• How to hire an au pair (BabyList)
• Pros and cons (Fatherly)
• Pocket money, working hours, contracts (AuPairWorld)
• How to find the right au pair (Cultural Care Au Pair)

Photo by Kampus Production via Pexels

You have chosen a daycare for your child. Now the time has come for your child to start daycare! From experience, the transition isn’t easy — for you or your little one.

I’ve made the transition to daycare with two kids now. Many emotions run through you as you leave your child with people you barely know. For the most part, nerves take over.

You wonder how your child will react to when you leave him to start daycare with this strange person for an entire day. Will he cry all day? You wonder if your boss is going to think you are an emotional wreck, especially if you are returning to work that day for the first time in weeks, maybe months.

Daycare providers work with new parents all the time to help make it easier, for you and your child. Remember you aren’t the first parent to drop off a child off at daycare. But if you are still uncertain about this new part of your child’s life, here are some things that can help make the transition to easier for you and more comfortable for your child.

Prepare the night before you start daycare

Have all the paperwork completed and ready to turn in if you still have any outstanding. Gather everything your child needs to succeed in their new setting. Your daycare provider should provide a list of what its needs to take care of your child, such as diapers, wipes, extra changes of clothes, a blanket, breast milk or formula, etc. You can always ask if there is something to extra bring that helps ease the first day for the child.

Expect tears — yours and your child’s

Your child’s first day of daycare is a big moment for your child and you. Sometimes the only way a small child can show his emotions, desires and needs is to cry. It might not happen on the first day, but it will happen at some point when dropping your child off.

The best way to handle this might seem the cruelest: you just have to drop the child off and leave. Lingering to help soothe your child is going to make it worse when you do leave. Make sure you let your provider know that you are not trying to be mean but trying to make it easier for him or her.

However — don’t do this on the first day! Instead, let your child know he is going to be OK and give extra hugs and kisses so he knows everything will be fine.

Help your child take ownership

If your child is older, let him know him is going to be starting somewhere new. Build it up and let him know about the great friends he will make and the many thing he will learns. Let him explain his feelings about that first day to help him overcome any fears.

Also, help your child understand that daycare is something he can call her own. Let the child pick what clothes to wear on the first day, what blankets to bring, and what stuffed animals to help at nap time.

Calm your child with familiarity

As you drive or walk to the center to start daycare, point out landmarks and things familiar to your child. We started our oldest at a new daycare at about age 4, and his dropoffs were a lot better when my wife or I pointed out things that he could always recognize.

Remember: Children are resilient

If you are a new parent, you’ll quickly learn your child has an amazing ability to bounce back from whatever comes his way. You” sometimes think your child will never stop crying at drop-off but eventually he will get over it and have fun in his new environment. If drop-off becomes too big an issue for too long, talk to your provider for suggestions. Eventually, it won’t be a big deal and you are going to wonder why you were worried about it all in the first place.

A version of this first appeared on The Rookie Dad. “Start Daycare Right” photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

Unless you or your partner plan to be a stay-at-home-parent, you need to pick the best daycare option possible for your child. It will be one of the most significant decisions you will make as a parent: who will be taking care of your child when you are at work. That’s often 40-plus hours a week of a stranger raising your child.

From my experience, as we looked for daycare for two children, several factors should be considered.

Start looking for best daycare option NOW!

The reality is, depending on where you live, there could a waiting list longer than 10 months to get into a daycare facility. Yeah, that’s right — a wait longer than the actual pregnancy. It might seem you have to get yourself on a waiting list before your child is even conceived and, in many cases, that could be. My wife and I waited close to a year for an opening at the center our youngest goes to now.

Look down and around

When choosing the best daycare provider for your family, you should visit the center or the home of a care-taking prospect. While there, you will more than likely be focused on the conversation with the provider.

However, by looking down, you will see how the provider interacts with the children. You see the toys the kids have to play with and the amount of room they will have to run around in when they eventually start walking.

This is where a good team approach comes in handy. Before walking into a potential provider’s workplace, make sure you and your partner understand you need to look all around and see what the provider has to offer for their child. You could come away seeing things differently and that could ultimately make or break your decision.

Check on daycare security and safety

Besides wanting a feeling that your child will be safe with the provider, you are going to want to make sure that the facility itself is secure. Be it a home or at a center, look around to see how difficult it would be for someone who doesn’t belong to get into areas where the children are.

Some places just buzz you in without knowing why you want to come inside (that is if they could not see you at the front door through a window or camera). Others make you enter a code to unlock the door. Our current center uses fingerprints to check our child in and out as well as to open the door.

While this once might have seemed a bit overboard, these days you certainly should make sure your child is safe whoever your daycare provider is.

Ask about programming, schedules

You are going to want to know what your child is doing all day. Are they just going to be playing with toys and crawling around, or will there be provider interaction to  stimulate their minds? Is there a set schedule your child will follow throughout the day? Is there time set aside to help them develop and learn?

Centers and in-home providers should send you home with a copy of their daily schedule to give you an idea of what your child will be doing while you are working away to afford for their care.

Be prepare to pay to best daycare

This is a big one, especially depending on your location.

We are currently spending more than our current mortgage payment to send our youngest to the center he is at. On a monthly basis, when the tuition hits our bank account, we take a hit. And it hurts.

But there is one thing to remember: this cost is short-lived relative to the life of your child.

The first few years of your child’s life is crucial to their development, and you are going to want the best for them, even if that means you have to live paycheck to paycheck until your little one hits a school age.

Get recommendations, read reviews

First, ask other parents you know for recommendations or their experiences. They already went through the process of trying to pick the best daycare, so find out how they made a choice and why.

Next, hit the internet. Check Facebook, Yelp, Google and so on … but you will want to take these with a grain of salt.

While one bad review can ruin your thoughts of a center, you will have to bear in mind that whatever the reason for the bad review was, it could have been an extenuating circumstance that caused it. There could have been a misunderstanding between the provider and the parent that caused the parent to speak out.

Regardless, you will want to hear what other parents say, and if you don’t know many people in the area, the internet is an excellent resource.

Your gut may pick the best daycare for you

A lot can be said for your gut. Did you feel right at home when you walked in? Did you feel comfortable with the people who would be taking care of your child? Was there something that thing that concerned you?

Whether you pick a daycare center or in-home provider for daycare, it can be a lot like picking out a new home: when you know, you just know. While there was one thing that concerned my wife and me with the center our youngest is now in, we were able to look past it, and it has become a non-issue.

Be open to change

Sometimes even the best daycare situation you find initially could bad or not work. You or your child may have a bad experience. Or a life event, like a job change, may happen and you may need to look for something that is a better financial, geographical or education fit for your family. Providers and centers change as well, and a change in management or a center’s policy could change your thinking about your provider.

While you may love a place, it is essential to understand that things change, and sometimes you and your child are not a fit for your current daycare situation.

A version of this “Pick the Best Daycare” first appeared on The Rookie Dad. Photo: Jelleke Vanooteghem on Unsplash

For new parents, the thought of handing over their infant to a total stranger for eight hours every day is downright terrifying. But, busy moms and dads are expected to do just that when they initiate daycare for their kids.

A recent study through Pew Research shows nearly half of all two-parent households include a mother and father who work full-time. With the ongoing uptick in the workforce, there’s a related need for a childcare solution during the day for children who are not quite of school age.

How to go about finding the best daycare for your child

While finding the best daycare program can be exhausting and downright frustrating, these tips should help alleviate some of that pain:

1. Start the early

The demand for daycare is high and will likely continue to trend upward. And with high demand comes a lengthy waiting list for the programs of choice. As a result, it’s a good idea to actually begin the search for the best daycare once you are expecting and as soon as you’ve made the decision to use a daycare. Seriously, some of the most “exclusive” centers will have wait lists that can last as long as a year. So start your research as soon as possible.

2. Research the best daycare programs in your area

Google and Yelp are certainly your friends in this epic search, but nothing beats word of mouth and the honest review of fellow parents. Ask friends and coworkers for recommendations on the best daycare centers in your area. Ask that program for references. When given the opportunity to speak with a parent whose child attends a specific daycare center, ask about the positives and negatives and everything in between. If they don’t like the center, ask why; if their child is no longer attending that specific program, ask why.

3. Check your budget

The average cost of daycare in the United States is just under $12,000 per year, according to the National Association of Child Care Resource & Referral Agencies. That’s just the average! In cities like New York, monthly prices can hit the $2,000 mark. Plan accordingly and decide if this is something your household can even afford to begin with; some families find it more financially efficient for one parent to stay at home full-time rather than take on the burden of another huge monthly bill.

4. Visit, ask questions & take notes

The best daycare programs will have an open house or at least provide an opportunity to tour the facilities ahead of making the final decision. This is a great time to observe the providers in action. Ideally, you’ll want a ratio of one caregiver for every three babies in the room. Check for the cleanliness of the facilities and the routine of the caregivers: Do they wash their hands regularly? How do they interact with the children? Does the center itself have an emergency plan in case of fire, flood, tornado, etc., and are first aid kits readily available? What is the holiday schedule?

5. Make sure this daycare is a match

During the interview process, be sure the provider follows similar parenting and care-giving styles to what your child experiences at home. Find out about discipline (scoldings, timeouts, etc.) and what kinds of technologies are used throughout the day (TV, radio, tablets, etc.). The key is for your child to be as comfortable as possible while at the daycare center and for as much consistency as possible.

6. Stay involved & make surprise visits

Once you’ve found the best daycare program for your child, the job is still not done. It’s important to be involved early and often. Communicate with your child’s care provider regularly and get constant feedback on the behavior of your child, feeding habits, number of diapers per day, etc. When possible, stop in at a random time, unannounced, to see just how the day-to-day is going with your child and ensure everything is up to par.

Finding the best daycare for your child is a daunting task, but following a well-thought-out plan will ease that tension and help ensure a smooth transition for both you and your child.

Photo credit: Ali Knight Starfish 158 via photopin (license)

With trepidation and uneasiness, I re-entered the “office” workforce yesterday. Let me expand …

Well, for the past two years I have been doing the most important work of my life – at-home daddying with my son, Jake. I was an elementary school teacher who chose to take a child-care leave to become a full-time stay-at-home dad to reap one of life’s greatest rewards – being a parent.  For the past few months, I have wrestled with the idea that I love being an at-home dad so much, why should I do anything else? I spend quality time with my child, I network with & socialize with other dads in our NYC Dads Group, we have playdates, adventures, travel, and beat to our drum…oh yeah, and I get to see all of the progress my son makes (the little milestones), we crack up together about silly stuff, and I get to calm him during his frequent tantrums.

Let me be clear: Being an-home dad is real work! Hard work! Exhausting work! Rewarding work! Unappreciated work by many others out in the “office” workforce.  I use the term “office” lightly to refer to people who work everyday that are not at-home parents.

Why would I want to go back to “office” work?  Two main reasons.  First, I am selfish.  I got to the point where I was wondering “will I ever work again?”, or “if I take off for 5 years won’t I be rusty?”, and “I miss the adult interaction in the workplace.”  Second, about 75% of my day with my child was spent just the two of us.  Sure, we are social – playdates, parks/playgrounds, parent & me classes – but, it is mainly just us.  I wanted to offer him the opportunity to be in a small group for longer periods of time.

With all of this in mind, I was not ready to jump out of at-home daddying = my internal Compromise.  I am returning to teaching, but only three days per week.  With this flexible schedule, I am hoping my return to “office” work will offer me everything I desire so I juggle and balance my work, my family, and my personal space.  I look at it this way: I am home four days/week with Jake.  I still get the benefits and camaraderie of our amazing NYC Dads Group -planning future events and participating in the fun.  I get the adult interaction and enjoyment of teaching children, something I love to do.  It also helps knowing that the school year enables me to be home all summer with my son as well as enjoy the numerous holidays during the school year.  When someone asks me what I do, I will continue to be confident and proud stating that I stay home with my son most of the time and work a few days a week…I am transitioning from full-time at-home dad to part-time at-home dad.

I am nervous as I am relinquishing control 3 days/week of care to a daycare.  I am also nervous to return to work. Will this transition be harder on me or my son or my wife (who was always comfortable at work knowing it was me in charge)?  I am sure this next chapter in my life will become a topic of conversation for the blog…