February is Black History Month, the perfect time to add to your kids’ knowledge about the contributions and experiences of Black Americans through some great children’s books. You might even learn a few things in the process.

Here are some recommendations for those with pre-schoolers to tweens:

Henry’s Freedom Box: A True Story from the Underground Railroad may have only been published in 2007, but it is already considered a classic. The tale, about a young slave boy who gains freedom by mailing himself in a crate to Philadelphia, has won numerous awards and praise. Its words, by Elaine Levine, and illustrations, by Coretta Scott King Award-winning artist Kadir Nelson, pack an emotional punch. It introduces young children to the cruelty and hardships of slavery without causing bedtime nightmares. (For ages 4 through 9.)

We’ve been big fans of prolific best-selling author Brad Metzler for years. His “Ordinary People Change The World” series of inspiring and fun biographies, while not focused on Black History Month subjects, offers several children’s books that are perfect to share this February or any time of the year. These are I Am Jackie Robinson, I Am Rosa Parks, I Am Martin Luther King Jr., I Am Harriet Tubman, I Am Oprah Winfrey, I Am Muhammad Ali and I Am John Lewis. (For ages 5 through 8.)

Like Metzler’s books, the “A Biography Book for New Readers” series aims to introduce children to inspiring people. Several volumes in this 40-plus book series focus on Black Americans. Yes, you’ll find long-revered civil rights figures such as King, Underground Railroad “conductor” Harriett Tubman and school integration pioneer Ruby Bridges. However, you’ll also find more contemporary heroes such as gymnast Simone Biles, ballerina Misty Copeland, singer Ella Fitzgerald and NASA scientist Katherine Johnson. (For ages 6 through 9.)

So Tall Within: Sojourner Truth’s Long Walk Toward Freedom may be classified as a “picture book” but its beautiful art by painter/illustrator Daniel Minter and lyrical words by Newbery-winning author Gary D. Schmidt will inspire you and your child. It tells the story of Truth, born into slavery to later be freed and become an important fighter not only for abolition and the rights of Black Americans but also for women’s rights. (For ages 4 through 8.)

The 1619 Project: Born on the Water uses the framing of a school assignment about tracing one’s family roots to go back in time to show African life before enslavers robbed people of their freedom. Co-authors Nikole Hannah-Jones, the journalist who wrote the Pulitzer Prize-winning Black history articles for The New York Times Magazine that inform this tale, and Newbery honor-winning author Renée Watson take readers through the generational struggles against slavery, for civil rights and finally, for respect and justice. (For ages 7 through 10)

A two-day massacre in Tulsa, Okla., in 1921 destroyed one of the wealthiest Black communities in the United States. But this horrific episode garnered little notice in history until the late 20th century.

Unspeakable: The Tulsa Race Massacre may be a short picture book but it is powerful. Using verse, authors Carole Boston Weatherford and Floyd Cooper expose readers to a Black community filled with pride taken down in terrifying tragedy. Their 2021 work won many accolades and honors including the 2022 Coretta Scott King Book Awards for Author and Illustrator. (Ages 8 through 12.)

Years ago, when my children were young and I was frustrated with them at a park, an older mother of teens said to me dismissively: “Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.”

I have a request: don’t be that parent!

First, it doesn’t help the parent of young children. Second, each family is unique and may or may not experience more problems during the teen years, or “teenhood.” Third, such statements contribute to the unfair mythology about teenagers that Kenneth Ginsburg outlines in his new book, Congrats —You’re Having a Teen! Strengthen Your Family and Raise a Good Person.   

Ginsburg laments that so many books about how to raise a good teen are pitched as “survival guides.” This combination of dour books and “uninvited ‘wisdom’ offered from bystanders” means “far too many parents approach these years with dread,” he writes. In turn, “too many adolescents learn their stage of life is worthy of an eye roll and, worse yet, that they are disappointing their parents just by growing — a process they couldn’t stop if they wanted to.”

While Ginsburg acknowledges that parenting a teen can be challenging, he provides three ways for parents to approach their children’s teenhood with a healthier mindset:

1. Teenhood: Simply another stage of development

In many ways, teenhood is like toddlerhood. It’s a natural phase of child development in which the words “no” and “why?” return. But while toddlers test our patience, we tend to understand their antics as part of their development. So why don’t we apply the same understanding to our teens?

As Ginsburg explains, “It is an active decision — and one that preserves our relationships — to choose to place certain challenging aspects of our parent-teen relationships in the context of development.” For example, moodiness is part of a teen’s development of empathy and sensitivity. Challenging authority is “a critical step in their control over choices.” Their occasional rejection of their parents is also part of their growing independence and, as much as possible, should not be taken personally.

2. Parent teens with a long view

Parents should remember their children will be adults for far longer than they are teens. Ginsburg states: “When you are caught in the moments of parenting, it is easy to forget that you will eventually have an adult-adult relationship with your child for longer than you have an adult-child relationship with your teen.” So you want to focus more on values and personal qualities than on individual performances and grades.

He recommends parenting for the type of “35-year-old” you envision your child to become or for the “second job” your young adult might apply for in the future. As he explains, “once you realize you’re raising your teen to have the skill sets needed to land that second job, you’ll let out a deep breath of relief and begin parenting about the things you care about: social and collaborative skills. Love of learning. Curiosity.”

3. Express unconditional love for your teen

Even though teens can behave in ways that make parents wince, it’s important for parents to believe in their children’s “best selves.” Ginsburg explains that “when young people become more adult-sized, we stop appreciating the miracles of development or mistakenly believe teens need our feedback less.” But he recommends parents “continue to see their strengths” and notice acts of kindness and idealism.

One way for teens to nurture their “best selves” is through volunteering opportunities. Ginsburg notes that “adolescents who learn that they can make a difference in others’ lives or in the well-being of their communities gain a motivating sense of purpose. They receive reinforcing thank-yous instead of the low expectations too many teens endure. As they experience how good it feels to give, they’ll have less shame when they need to receive, because they’ll have learned that the giver does so not out of pity but out of purpose.”

Late in his book, Ginsburg highlights the two-way nature of teen development. As parents nurture their teens’ growth, the parents continue to grow as well, which can be deeply satisfying for everyone involved. He notes: “Teens want to know they are adding to your life. If you focus only on grades and good behaviors, then many teens apply too much pressure on themselves to fit into a mold of your making. When, on the other hand, you genuinely cherish watching them develop their interests and hone their values, they’ll know they please you by being their best selves. When you appreciate their sense of wonder and the rapid pace at which they are learning, you can allow them to be your teacher. They will relish knowing they are contributing to your growth.”

In other words, “big kids, big development” for the whole family. 

Raise a good teen photo: © LIGHTFIELD STUDIOS / Adobe Stock.

A new parenting book for dads uses a successful business philosophy as the basis for creating more engaged and loving fathers and partners.

Fathering Together: Living a Connected Dad Life, written by Brian Anderson, a co-founder of the Fathering Together nonprofit organization, preaches a new narrative for fatherhood based on “servant leadership.” Based on the writings of Robert Greenleaf, servant leadership espouses that corporate leaders should put the needs of employees ahead of all else. By helping employees grow and develop, they (and the company) perform better and thrive. In turn, the employees want to serve others even as they grow into leadership roles themselves.

DISCLOSURE: City Dads Group has previously teamed with Fathering Together on various projects.

Anderson’s book — available in e-format and print — captures the stories of dozens of dads who are striving for healthier and stronger relationships. For it, he interviewed scores of the more than 125,000 followers of his organization’s Facebook groups and found many dads use servant-leadership teachings in their parenting without even realizing it.

In the book, Anderson provides personal stories and practical skills weaved into the main tenants of servant-leadership to provide dads with a new pathway. He challenges all fathers to create a dad-first mindset. Anderson encourages them to be present, express their emotions, cultivate lifelong learning, and advocate for social change among many other things. He refers to the book as ” a love letter to my fellow dads because I believe in our capacity to change and our capacity to build,” Anderson wrote in the introduction.

Brian Anderson, who serves as the executive director of Fathering Together, is raising two elementary-school-aged daughters in his marriage of more than a decade. An ordained minister, he has also been a farmer, social worker, community organizer, university chaplain, interfaith leadership consultant and certified spiritual director.

Ever wonder what American parents could learn from the cultures of non-Western hunter-gatherer communities? Scientist Michaeleen Doucleff did. She reports her findings in her recent book, Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans.

Significantly, instead of just studying these cultures, Doucleff and her 3-year-old daughter lived among them. “None of these cultures are ancient relics, frozen in time,” she notes. They are still contemporary families with cellphones and televisions, but they do have “deeply rooted parenting traditions.”

Ancient wisdom from north of the Arctic Circle

From Inuit families above the Arctic Circle, Doucleff learns how to foster young children’s emotional regulation during temper tantrums and misbehavior. The key for parents? Stay calm and quiet as much as possible.

Doucleff describes Inuit parents in these situations in near-robotic terms. “Whenever children are upset — crying and screaming — the parents say very few words (words are stimulating). They make very few movements (movement is stimulating). And they show very little expression on their faces (again, emotion is stimulating),” she writes. “Parents aren’t timid or fearful. They still have a confidence about them. But they approach the child the way you might approach a butterfly on your shoulder: Gently. Slowly. Softly.”

When parents respond with calmness and quiet, “we give the child the opportunity to find that response in themselves,” Doucleff writes. “Over time, this practice teaches the child to regulate their emotions and respond to problems in a calm, productive way.”

When I first read these lines, I thought “no way”! How does a parent remain calm in the storm of an upset child? Doucleff acknowledges it takes much practice, but the long-term result will be worth it.

For example, during a child’s tantrum, “in the calmest, lowest-energy state possible, simply stand near the child, silently, and show them that you are close by, supporting them,” she writes. Upon a child’s misbehavior, try to “keep your expression flat. … look into the horizon above the child’s head or to their side.” As long as there is no imminent danger, try to “stay neutral and show them that you have zero interest in that behavior.”

In metaphoric terms, when parents respond to an angry child with calmness, they refuse to pick up the tug-of-war rope. Rather than yells breeding yells, calm breeds calm, eventually. To model emotional regulation and lower the energy of the situation, Doucleff recommends using imagery in your mind or humming a favorite song.

After calmness returns, the parent and child will be much more able to address the problems causing stress. This “wait-to-fix strategy” might result in a variety of resolutions. Doucleff borrows one idea from psychologist Larry Cohen in which problems are brought “into the play zone.” For example, “you and the child act out, in a lighthearted way, what happens when she won’t go to bed and you get angry or upset.”

Emotional regulation fosters helpfulness, autonomy

Two other ancient cultures Doucleff learns from are Maya families in Mexico and Hadzabe families in Tanzania.

Doucleff notes Maya children are known for their helpfulness, especially regarding household chores. She learned Mayas value toddlers as participants in family life. They invite young children to join them in their work around the house. As she notes, “toddlers everywhere are eager to be helpful — very eager.”

A toddler helping with chores like cleaning, sweeping, and folding laundry can slow parents down and create a mess. However, Mayas view the mess as an investment. “By encouraging the incompetent toddler who really wants to do the dishes now, then over time, they’ll turn into the competent nine-year-old who still wants to help,” she writes.

The children’s participation in meaningful, family-oriented chores makes them feel a sense of belonging. If children are kept from participating, they learn “their role is to play or move out of the way.” They also “will come to learn that helping is not their responsibility.”

The parenting lesson Doucleff learns from the Hadzabe families echoes the ancient Inuit advice: stay quiet as much as possible. Strive for minimal interference with children’s natural development.

Doucleff explains the Hadzabe “parent from a different vantage: they believe children know best how to learn and grow. Anything a parent says — the vast majority of the time — will only get in the child’s way.” She learned that as a parent she needed to “‘wait-a-bit’ before you instruct, direct, or issue a command.” (In fact, in playful fashion, the Hadzabe nicknamed her “Wait-a-bit.”)

Doucleff suggests an experiment for today’s parents: “Take out your phone and set it to record for twenty minutes. Count how many questions, comments, and demands you make to your child during that time.” You may be surprised. Also, try hard to develop children’s autonomy by letting them “order at restaurants, set up after-school activities, settle disputes with friends and, when possible, talk with teachers, coaches, and instructors about successes and mistakes.” If we embrace such a less-is-more, “low-talk parenting style,” we can “join the millions of parents around the world—and across history—who step behind the child, wait-a-bit, and let the child make their own decisions . . . and their own mistakes.”  

Photo: © Odua Images / Adobe Stock.

Did you know that what we call the “fall colors” of leaves are actually their glorious “true” colors? The leaves don’t change to new colors in autumn but instead revert to their original colors. I learned this years ago when my oldest daughter asked why the leaves change color.

As a way to bond (and hide my ignorance), I suggested we search the internet together for information. We found that, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, “the four primary pigments that produce color within a leaf are chlorophyll (green); xanthophylls (yellow); carotenoids (orange); and anthocyanins (reds and purples). During the warmer growing seasons, leaves produce chlorophyll to help plants create energy from light. The green pigment becomes dominant and masks the other pigments. … As days get shorter and nights become longer … the fading green allows a leaf’s true colors to emerge, producing the dazzling array of orange, yellow, red and purple pigments we refer to as fall foliage.”

Equipped with this knowledge, we annually observe the emergence of fall colors differently. It’s a richer, more wonder-filled experience for our family. I thought of this phenomenon and its relationship to parenting while reading Alexandra Horowitz’s recent book, On Looking: A Walker’s Guide to the Art of Observation.

In the book, Horowitz takes 11 neighborhood walks with different experts to experience the same scenes with different eyes. The results are remarkable. Horowitz realizes “I had become a sleepwalker on the sidewalk. What I saw and attended to was exactly what I expected to see” and nothing else.

From a geologist, she learns “limestone, a popular building material, is full of the shells, remains, and other traces of ancient animals. … Taking this in, my view of the street was entirely changed: no longer was it passive rock; it was a sea graveyard.” From a field naturalist, she learns “even when you see no bugs before you, even when the ground looks still and the air looks clear, they are there.”

Learn through how children observe the world

Most relevant to parenting is what Horowitz learns about observation from her 19-month-old son. For him, a walk is “an investigatory exercise that begins with energy and ends when (and only when) exhausted.” An infant “has no expectations, so he is not closed off from experiencing something anew.” Also, the relative absence of language enables very young children to “sense the world at a different granularity, attending to parts of the visual world we gloss over; to sounds we have dismissed as irrelevant.”

Horowitz views a child’s acquisition of language in paradoxical terms. She acknowledges that language is key to a child’s development and navigation of the world. Hence, language could be compared to the necessary green pigment that fosters growth on leaves. But Horowitz also laments that the naming of objects in a child’s environment gradually limits his or her ability to observe and perceive additional aspects — or what might be called the environment’s true (and masked) colors — more fully.

She notes the bittersweet onset of language for her growing toddler. “I knew I did not have long before words, enablers of thoughts but also stealers of idiosyncrasies, muted his theatricality. And so our family had together created a fluid vocabulary of expressions, facial and bodily, that could be applied to a new situation,” she writes.

This poignant passage no doubt triggers every parent’s memories of those infant-to-toddler days when sounds were not yet words. One of my daughters at that age would repeat the sound “ta-doo” in varying tones. For weeks the family tried to discern the meaning of the sound. Then, one day, an older cousin simply said: “Maybe it just means ‘ta-doo.’” Somehow that settled the debate.

Improve your observational skills  

Every parent also remembers entertaining formulations from their children’s early language days. My older daughter once told me: “Dad, I’m a little bit big and a little bit little.” My younger daughter once wrote in her journal: “My dad has hair on both sides of his head and nothing in the middle.” That last one burned a little bit.

Selective attention is necessary for life, but parents should try not to narrow their attention too rigidly. Follow the example of very young children before language development. Try to maintain an open mind that does not allow habit and expectation to become blinders that restrict understanding.

A great way to embody this message might be a family nature walk this fall. Slow down and inspect the surroundings together. Keep a sense of wonder about all that reveals itself — like those “true colors” in the trees that the pandemic cannot cancel. Try to keep seeing the world with fresh, unmasked eyes.

Observe autumn photo: © Volodymyr / Adobe Stock.

Need a break from the summer swelter? How about a little Christmas in July? Give a listen to a special audio version of I’m Dreaming of a Brown Christmas, a children’s book released last year by City Dads Group contributor Vernon D. Gibbs II.

People who supported the Kickstarter campaign to help Gibbs publish the book received a link recently to a reading of Brown Christmas by Emmy Award-winning actor and notable voiceover actor Keith David. David’s extensive acting resume includes Greenleaf on the OWN Network, TV and streaming’s Community, Armageddon, The Princess and the Frog, and the upcoming Jordan Peele movie Nope.  

The recording was produced for the Tell Me a Bedtime Story podcast, hosted by Dr. Lori James of the James M. Dixon Foundation for Alzheimer’s Research.

Gibbs’ father suggested his son send the book to David. The two had recently had a chance meeting through some business ventures, according to Gibbs.

“Keith recommended it for the podcast because he liked it so much,” Gibbs wrote in a text interview with City Dads. “He already had a connection with the foundation and they had been looking for him to do some readings for them and he really liked this book and its message.”

I’m Dreaming of a Brown Christmas, a full-color picture book, is inspired by the classic song “White Christmas.” The story focuses on the holiday from the point of view of a young African-American boy.

Brown Christmas is Gibbs’ second children’s book. The northern New Jersey-based at-home father of three also wrote When Good Fruit Goes Bad in 2020. That book recounts a rebellion of past-its-prime fruit at a grocery store for a tale about healthy food choices and finding one’s inner worth.

Gibbs produced both books with his cousin, illustrator Steve Gray. Gray composed and performed the music in the audio version of Brown Christmas.

Every child is a delight, a joy, a perfect diamond. They are perfect in every way from the moment of their birth until the moment they leave the nest, and even after.

Except when they’re not.

A few months ago, I sat in the car line waiting to pick up my 5-year-old son from kindergarten. My phone buzzed with a message from his teacher. And then another. And another.

My son had thrown blocks at a student. When confronted by the teacher, he yelled at her. Eventually, it escalated all the way into him punching one of the other students.

There are many messages parents dread. Our children’s safety is always the chief fear. School shootings are an unfortunate constant in American life. We worry that someone might bully our child. Had I received that call, that message would’ve been far easier for me to digest than this one. After all, I’d been bullied through much of school, and my son is like me, right?

I read the messages again. My son wasn’t bullied. He was the bully.

A sense of emptiness settled into my stomach. Not pure anger or sadness, but something between the two, coupled with a deep, deep sense of disappointment. 

The first D-word I had feared as a parent. Yes, I admit I felt disappointed.

And the only way to deal with it was the second D-word, one I’ve always struggled with: discipline.

All kids need discipline, of course. They need to be taught the rules and norms of society. They have to function in school, and not throw blocks or hit. My wife and I don’t believe in spanking. There are plenty of studies that prove — despite what earlier generations have done — striking children does not modify their behavior. We also found minimal success with timeouts and other traditional forms of discipline.

What then? What could we do?

Nurtured Heart Approach changes his life

The incident mentioned wasn’t isolated. In fact, we started hearing from his teacher at least once a week. We had meetings with the principal. We began to suspect the root of his problem was boredom. My son would practice multiplication, division, and even simple exponents in the car, before hopping out to a class whose full-year math curriculum involved counting to a hundred. But knowing the cause didn’t excuse the behavior. Again, that disappointment sank in. My son is brilliant, kind and such a wonderful person. How could we encourage him to choose kindness and compassion? How could we discipline him and avoid disappointment?

My aunt introduced us to “The Nurtured Heart Approach,” a radically different method of behavior modification. Developed by Howard Glasser, and codified in the book Transforming the Difficult Child, the Nurtured Heart Approach relies on three “stands.” The first stand is to not give any energy at all to negative behavior. Timeouts and other discipline often fail to truly transform highly energetic kids because they thrive on negative attention. The second stand awards TONS of positive energy to good behavior. This, even more than the first stand, was transformational for us.

I started noticing interactions between my son and daughter. They’d be happy and content until one would start to bug the other. At that moment, I’d intervene, throwing my energy into trying to resolve the conflict. Nurtured Heart Approach reversed this approach. I started praising the good interactions between my kids and joining them more thoroughly while they were content.

Then, when something went amiss, all I needed was the third stand: the “reset.”

At its heart, the reset is essentially a five-second timeout. It’s a pause where the energy is redirected. Think of Daniel Tiger’s song “Give a squeeze, nice and slow, take a deep breath … and let it go …” Same idea. Tell the kid who’s breaking a rule to reset, and pull all your attention away. That’s it. If they don’t reset, say it again. Might take a hundred resets, but that’s it — no punishments, no lectures about what they did wrong (dumping energy into the behavior you’re modifying). Instead, send energy back into what they’re doing right as soon as they start acting right again.

The above description of Nurtured Heart Approach is a boiled-down oversimplification, of course. It’s worth checking out the book, but be warned — it’s not easy. Not at all. Yet now, months later, the notes we get from the teacher are filled with praise for his behavior. The way he acts with his sister makes me smile.

We still have rough moments. These are the times when he needs to reset. And then we move forward. Because our son has learned that empathy and kindness and compassion are far more important to life than rule-breaking or aggression.

It’s OK, as a parent, to feel those moments of disappointment. It’s OK to recognize that discipline is part of parenting. Let that emotion sink into you and allow yourself to reset your own expectations.

Remember, your kid is still a delight, a joy, a perfect diamond. They are perfect in every way from the moment of their birth until the moment they leave the nest, and even after.

Because even diamonds need polishing. And that’s what parents are for.

Nurtured Heart Approach photo: © natali_mis /  Adobe Stock.

“You’re OK,” utter many parents instinctively when a young child falls or bumps his or her knee. Typically, the child is unsure at first whether an actual injury has occurred. But the parent’s assumption that all is fine, combined with a lack of evidence (like blood), magically keeps the child from distress. Instead of crying or fretting, the child often follows the parent’s cue and moves on.

Now picture a child seemingly misbehaving. The typical parent’s first utterance is not “You’re OK!” Rather, it tends to be a way of conveying “you are not OK” morally — e.g., “Bad boy (or girl)! There goes my (insert unhealthy label) child!”

This is where it’s helpful to consider one of the best parenting mantras I’ve ever read.

When a child appears to misbehave, “attribute to the child the best possible motive consistent with the facts.” This quote comes from Alfie Kohn’s 2006 book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. (Kohn notes he learned the mantra from feminist and philosopher Nel Noddings.

Create auspicious cycles, not vicious ones

In those first moments of a child’s apparent misbehavior, Kohn say parents should refrain from catastrophizing, labeling or overreacting. For at first, “we usually don’t know for sure why a child acted the way he did.” Reasons beyond just “badness” may be at play. These could include immaturity, a lack of skill or an innocent desire to explore.

Another reason to attribute the best possible motive: parents’ beliefs about the child can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. As Kohn writes, “Children construct a theory about their own motives based in part on our assumptions about their motives, and then they act accordingly: ‘You think I’m just plain bad and need to be controlled all the time? Fine. Watch me act as though you’re right.’”

Rather than the vicious cycle of bad behavior that labels can foster, Kohn says assuming your child’s best motives from a young age can develop an “auspicious cycle” of moral development. He adds: “We can help kids to develop good values by treating them as though they were already motivated by those values. They thereby come to believe what’s best about themselves and live up to our trust in them.”

Because I’m a former English professor, Kohn’s parenting mantra reminded me of a similar formulation from the world of poetry.

‘First thought, best self’ parenting

The Beat Generation’s Allen Ginsberg believed in the poetic phrase “first thought, best thought.” For Ginsberg, the first thought humans have about a subject is usually the most truthful, authentic perception. His poetic philosophy championed spontaneous, uncensored lines as a way to describe reality most purely.

Granted, parenting is much different than writing poetry. And many parents’ first thoughts probably should be censored for the sake of our children. But a related, more fruitful revision of Ginsberg’s formulation for parents might be “first thought, best self.”

“First thought, best self” parenting would practice what Kohn preaches about always assuming a child’s best motives. It would also foster the growth of a child’s “best self” by fueling the “auspicious” cycle of self-esteem. In the process, we would be parenting with our “best selves” as well.

Of course, “first thought, best self” parenting is easier said than done. It is very challenging to slow our instincts, revise our assumptions and shift a mindset. But what if the facts do not end up being consistent with a child’s healthy motives? Then the misbehavior must be addressed.

But that initial moment of a parent’s reaction to children’s behavior is very important to their future morality and self-esteem. Just as we reassured children they were physically “OK” when they were little, as they grow we should also reassure them they are morally “OK.”

A final benefit of assuming a child’s best motives when they seemingly misbehave: as they grow older, they learn to attribute the same good motives to the people in their lives. For example, when their friends or even parents do things they don’t like, agree with or understand, they learn to consider possible reasons for such behavior rather than assume the worst before more facts are known. Our modeling can nudge children toward fairmindedness that fuel even more auspicious cycles. Ideally, we can help children learn to make their first thought with their best self.

Photo: © Miljan Živković /Adobe Stock.

EDITOR’S NOTE: For more helpful tips on helping teens handle stress, visit The Center for Parent and Teen Communication’s special Managing Stress section.

Let’s scoreboard what my teenagers have been through in the last couple of years.

Pandemic. Virtual schooling. Dating. About 500 emails from the school telling them they’ve been exposed to COVID. Quarantine. PSATs. Three separate school-wide walkouts to protest slurs. And college recruiters asking them about their future.

Oh, and they get no more snow days. That last one just seems mean.

As an adult, that is enough to stress me out daily. But how about my teenagers? How does a teen today deal with a world that is chaotic, loud and confusing?

How to spot teen stress

When I’m stressed, I get angry and want to confront the source of the stress. When my stress contributes to my anxiety, I write snarky articles blaming the everyone in the world for being giant jerks. I also swear a lot. However, that’s not the way stress and anxiety present in a teen.

Dads are often advised to watch for their teenagers pulling away or getting frustrated. Advice like that makes me think the people who wrote it have never dealt with a teenager. To spot stress in your teen, it requires a bit more work.

“You have to engage,” Dr. Jeffery Bernstein, author of The Stress Survival Guide for Teens and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, said in an interview with me. “Create a safe space where they feel comfortable talking to you.” 

For me, that brings up visions of cat cafés and chai tea — both things I’d rather not do. I’m more of a dog person.

But I get what he is saying and have practiced it with my own two teenagers. I’ve ditched the “big fatherly talk” where I sit in a regal Victorian chair and have on a dad sweater. Instead, every day I take some time to engage with my teens on their level.

A safe space for talking, listening, observing

My son loves gaming, so I take the time to play with him. Yes, he mops the floor with me, but the point is that I’m there in his environment. This is where we can talk without any extra pressure. With my 15-year-old daughter, it’s scary movies. That time is devoted to her talking about her life.

Conversations come easy when they have the backdrop of something they like, and it gives me a chance to see if they are more withdrawn than usual. My teenagers are more open, forthcoming and honest in these moments.

Often, a teen under stress will verbalize their thoughts in these environments. They don’t know how to deal with the stressors in their lives or that they could even use help. When I am engaged in my kids’ spaces, it opens up those lines of communication. This is what Dr. Bernstein means by creating a safe space.

It’s not just one Ward Cleaver type of moment, but a series of small interactions during the month that last anywhere from 10 minutes to two hours. It’s there that I can help them verbalize rather than to internalize. I like that phrase enough that I’m going to turn it into a bumper sticker now.

Let’s talk coping strategies

Once I know they are stressed, that’s where I struggle as a father. Instinctively, I want to fight their battles.

“Don’t come into it with a fix-it mindset. Lead with empathy,” Bernstein said. “And then use modeling to show them how to cope.”

We need to empower our kids and teach them problem-solving and coping skills. That begins with you. Don’t fight their battles, let them figure out the solution with your guidance. Point them in the right direction of a solution and let them arrive there through their efforts. This will give them ownership of the skill. That ownership will stick with them longer than a lecture.

Sometimes that means that I share their anger and stress. That boy broke your heart? He’s a jerk. That test was hard? Oomph, tell me about it. That then allows me to provide them guidance and perspective based on my experiences. For example, if choosing a college is difficult, then I begin planning small steps with them.

We also have to model better with our own behaviors. When I’m stressed, I swear a lot more. That’s not the best example. A better example would be exercise, eating better, and sticking to a sleep schedule — three things parents the world over are terrible at. But it goes further than that basic cliché advice.

Model your stress management to your teen

We need to share with our children when we are stressed and make it relatable. This is where a lot of fathers fail, including me.

We have it in our heads that as dad, we should be indestructible. We want them to see us the same way they did when they were 3: perfect. They don’t need perfect right now. Our teenagers need reality.

That’s not to mean that we dump a series of adult stresses on them. Instead, Dr. Bernstein states that we should take a coaching approach.

I’ll let my daughter and my son know when I have a deadline coming up that makes me stressed. I’ll usually throw in a joke, but I’ll also let them see my actions. I’m proactive in my solutions. I’ll set a time to get the task done, reward myself when it is done, and then make a plan for the next step.

My kids also see me practice mindfulness. I take 20 minutes a day and run through a program on our VR headset. It helps clear my thoughts and focus on the here and now. As I practice these coping strategies, I’ve talked to my kids about why I’m doing them. That’s how I coach them, and they have begun to adopt some of these strategies.

Keep calm and carry on

Finally, we need help controlling our anger. No one can push our buttons like our teenagers.

“Remove your ego out of the conversation. See it as if you’re watching it from above. Don’t escalate the situation or take it personally,” Bernstein said in our interview.

Easier said than done. But when I speak calmly, I notice my children respond better. And if that’s not working, we all put ourselves into timeout. Timeouts as an adult are awesome.

And if none of the strategies above are working, then it might be time to seek out professional help. Having a third party to talk to may give your teenagers a chance to open up in a way that they can’t with you.

Yes, the world can be a stressful place for adults, and as fathers we need to be aware that our kids share in that stress. Teaching them coping skills is something that they will use for the rest of their life.

And if all else fails, then teach them to swear with the best of them. Don’t put that on me though, I’m stressed enough as it is.

Teen stress photo: ©Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This post first appeared on the NYC Dads Group blog in 2012. It has been updated for 2023.

Several months ago, after countless hours of Dora the Explorer on Netflix, I turned on one of my favorite cartoons from my youth, Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. To my delight and surprise, it is now my daughter’s favorite show.

Recently, we went to a superhero-themed birthday party and she went as Firestar, her favorite from the show. Other kids were Spider-Man and Superman, but she was the only one dressed as an obscure character from a 30-year-old TV show. I think it’s pretty awesome that she is so into something I loved as a kid. Heck, she brought her Iceman figure to a Korean barbeque restaurant the other day.

And on the first Saturday of May, we will venture to a local comic book store to celebrate Free Comic Book Day.

Comic books can build a love of reading

As much as comic books are often derided, they can be a great tool for getting children reading. Younger kids will like the pictures and want you to read the stories, which encourages them to want to learn to read on their own. For kids who can read, especially reluctant readers, comic books are an accessible way to get into reading. I know many educators who use comics in the classroom as a way to get kids reading. And as a dad, I think it is a source of new stories to read. After all, how many times can you tell the story of Little Red Riding Hood?

Another thing that is great about comics is they appeal to a wide audience. Boys and girls, kids and adults can find something they love about comics. With character licensing being the way it is, children know who all the major superheroes are as the person from their friend’s backpack or T-shirt. So why not expose them to the source material and open a new world for them?

So what is Free Comic Book Day?

Free Comic Book Day is usually the first Saturday of May. Participating comic book specialty shops across North America and around the world give away certain comic books absolutely free to anyone who comes into their shops. Since the inception of the program in 2002, tens of millions of free comic books have been given away. 

What is cool about Free Comic Book Day? It can help turn you on to something you have never read before and find a new favorite. You’ll be sure to find some with well-known superheroes, like the Avengers, but you’ll also discover many others. You’ll also be able to pick up more grown-up comics, including graphic novels. For example, I found a Valiant Comics sampler featuring X-O Manowar and a Buffy the Vampire meets The Guild crossover.

The first year I went with my child, the selection of free comics included very kid-friendly fare: Yo Gabba Gabba, Donald Duck, and The Smurfs. So there really is something for everyone!

The last time I went to Free Comic Book Day I ended up with a stack of freebies and I end up buying another stack for myself, which is good because it helped support an independent comic book store.

Find a participating store near you

Need help finding a comic book store near you? Check the store locator on The Free Comic Book Day website.

Photo: © bizoo_n /Adobe Stock.