As soldiers of the Dad Army, one of our missions is to become an expert at bottle feeding. No problem, right? It’s part of one of the most important functions of our parenting duties — keeping the kid alive!

When my wife and I had our second child, I knew it was time once again for me to enter the fray. It had been nearly two years since bottle feeding my first child, but you know — the whole “riding the bike” thing. However, the battle lines were drawn rather quickly. 

The first few times went smoothly. My newborn daughter took to the bottle fairly easily. However, last week my wife was out for the day and this daddy was left in charge of his nearly three-month-old. It was a bigger disaster than when Napoleon tried to invade Russia.

My daughter wouldn’t take the bottle at all. She fought me tooth and nail. I fought back with agitation and frustration as she tugged on the frayed ends of my sanity. We were both getting upset. The day ended with an exhausted and hungry baby and an angst-filled father who was ready to grab his own bottle of whatever he could find, down it in an instant, and then for good measure, perhaps smash it over his head.

Why did this happen? Let me use an analogy. Let’s say you were planning to go out with some friends for a delicious steak dinner. You had two options for your meal:

• Option A: A Michelin-star steakhouse with a menu of mouth-watering main courses and sides that puts a rumble in the stomach just thinking about it.
• Option B: A hole-in-the-wall joint between the train station and a crack den where you play Russian roulette with E.coli just by looking in the window.

There’s no question where you would go to dine, right? 

Breast is best, but …

Breastfeeding is the best and most comforting thing for newborns. They get to eat. They are cozy and warm. They are as close to their mother as humanly possible. Breastfeeding releases oxytocin. According to a popular breastfeeding website, La Leche League International, “oxytocin’s role in breastfeeding includes causing nipple erection, increasing blood flow to the breast and to the mother’s skin (to keep the baby warm), enhancing the expression of instinctual behaviors (in mother and baby), contributing to the flow of nutrients from the blood into the mother’s milk, giving the mother a feeling of calmness, increasing tolerance of pain, and enhancing wound healing. Because of the feelings of calmness and emotional connection oxytocin generates in the nursing mother, it is often called ‘the mothering hormone.'” 

When they are first born, children are not privy to the difference between a bottle and the breast. However, at around the 2-month mark, it is quite common for the baby to reject the bottle. There is no substitution for nursing and babies certainly don’t want to downgrade to some artificial nipple substitute. How on earth can we achieve this zen-like state when replacing the real thing with silicone?

I needed to come up with a meaningful plan. 

Through some diligent research on the internet by my wife and my own “aha” findings, I came up with what I like to call “Six Pointers to Keep Calm and Bottle Feed Your Baby”. (Sponsorship from Six Point Brewery is pending).

1. Set the mood

Find a calm place to give your baby the bottle. Look for a place in the house where it’s quiet and dimly lit with a comfortable chair/couch for you to sit on. You want it to be a different place from where your partner or wife usually breastfeeds. Babies have an uncanny sense of things and if you try and give a bottle in the chair they usually breastfeed in it might throw them off. 

Have everything you need handy before you sit down. Burp cloth and bibs for baby, and water and a snack for yourself. Turn off your phone. You don’t want any distractions during this time. (This includes your partner/wife asking you, “How’s it going?”) If you have another child in the house, find something to keep them occupied as well. A calm place for bottle feeding is imperative to success.

2. Calm your mind and body

If you are stressed or in a poor mindset, you’re setting yourself up for imminent failure. Take a few deep breaths before you sit down with your baby. Put on some calming music. Do whatever you need to do to relax yourself. 

3. Smile and have fun

When you finally sit down and get situated, look at your baby and smile. This is a wonderful bonding moment and shouldn’t be a stressful war. Sing a quiet song or a silly nursery rhyme or limerick. This will put your baby at ease and make it enjoyable for both of you. Talk to your baby and let them know that this bottle they are about to have is going to be the best thing ever. Positivity goes a long way and your baby will sense it (like a Jedi does the force).

4. Be positively persistent

Your baby may reject your initial attempts to give the bottle. Be prepared for this and don’t freak out. Persist. Hold the bottle gently, but firmly, to your baby’s lips even when they shake their head and arch away. If it doesn’t work after a few minutes, put the bottle down and move it out of sight. Take this time to regroup yourself, keep calm, and remind yourself that it’s not your fault. After a few minutes, return, cuddle with your baby, tell them a joke or even make a funny fart sound. Then, again happily offer the bottle. It may take an hour for your baby to drink four ounces of milk the first time, but it will get better over time.

5. Stick to your guns

There are more brands and types of bottles on the market than there are parodies of the latest teeny-bopper hit. The key is to continue with the same bottle once you find one that works! Be consistent, and stick with it. Don’t get frustrated and start changing through bottles like Lady Gaga does outfits! 

6. Cut your losses 

There may be a point where your baby will not take the bottle despite all of your loving attempts. If the baby doesn’t want the bottle then, leave it be. I would recommend trying at least three times for at least 10 minutes each time to get the baby to take the bottle. Now, if your partner or wife is around, DO NOT give the baby to them to breastfeed immediately after a failed bottle feeding. This pretty much tells your baby that you’re waving the white flag and they have won. The best thing to do is to do something else for about 10 to 15 minutes. You can do tummy time, read a book or even bathe your baby. This break in the feeding action will disassociate the bottle from the breast.

There you have it Dad Army. I certainly hope this helps.

This article was first published in 2013 and recently updated. Father bottle feeding baby photo: © o_lypa / Adobe Stock.

September is National Infant Mortality Awareness Month. It focuses on children who lose their lives before their first birthday and the causes of those deaths. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the infant mortality rate in the United States is 5.4 deaths per every 1,000 live births. In 2020, that amounted to just under 20,000 infant deaths.

Twenty thousand.

Twenty thousand who will never speak their first words, walk their first steps or make their first friends. Children who will never go to school, form families of their own, work, play or experience the trials and joys that make up our world.

Here are some more startling facts:

• The U.S. infant mortality rate ranks among the worst among wealthy nations.
• Maternal mortality rates in the United States, defined as the death of a mother during pregnancy, delivery, or the first 42 days following delivery/termination, are also among the worst globally.
• Black women in the United States are three times as likely to die from pregnancy-related causes as white women. 

In simple terms, it’s more dangerous to give birth in the United States than in many other nations. It’s also more dangerous to be a baby. And it’s even more dangerous to be a mother or child if you’re a person of color.

But what can dads do about it?

On a broad level, it starts with policies.

Paid family leave helps babies, parents, families

One major reason behind these sobering statistics is the lack of paid leave for working parents. America lags behind just about every other nation in terms of paid family and medical leave. Researchers at the National Institutes of Health note: “Mothers’ and fathers’ leave-taking may improve child health by decreasing postpartum depression among mothers, improving maternal mental health, increasing the time spent with a child, and increasing the likelihood of child medical checkup.”

Paid family leave gives parents time to bond as a family as well as care for an infant and each other during those intense, early times. When I became a first-time father, my teaching job offered just three days of paid leave. That wasn’t nearly enough time to help my new son or my wife or to become a family. It’s a big reason I chose to become an at-home dad. Some states have started implementing paid leave policies, but we have a long way to go. Advocating for paid leave policies is a big first step.

And perhaps paid family leave should start before birth. During the COVID-19 lockdowns, an interesting thing happened globally. Premature births, the second leading cause of infant mortality in the United States, declined dramatically. Is it possible that being home before birth helped lower stress and create healthier births? Research from the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that paid leave before birth may decrease the number of premature births in women.

Paid leave is a no-brainer. It is a significant step forward to decrease infant mortality and maternal mortality, not to mention a step toward economic, racial, and gender justice.

Support new mothers from the start

However, dads can do more than just advocating for leave, or take all the leave available to them. Supporting mothers during those early weeks and months is vital.

For example, breastfeeding is one of the best ways to increase a child’s health. However, it isn’t easy for many mothers and isn’t possible for some. Do you know how to make a good oatmeal that supports breastfeeding? I do. I made it for my wife almost every morning after she gave birth to our son.

However, being there for mothers is about more than just physically being around. Take time to listen to your partner. Know how her postpartum healing is supposed to progress and help monitor it. Learn the warning signs of postpartum depression. Check in with your partner often about how they’re feeling and if something seems off, make sure they get to a doctor.

Thousands of babies and mothers are dying. We need to do better for them.

We need policies in America to change this situation.

And we need dads to support and nurture their partners and families.

Yes, being a dad is a life-saving activity.

And a life-altering one.

And still the best job there is.

Infant mortality photo: © Prostock-studio / Adobe Stock.

Our family’s most memorable summer road trip occurred when our two daughters were quite young — and quite needy, as it turns out. My wife and I were taking the family to our hometown, a three-hour drive away.

The first two hours went smoothly. My 3-month-old drifted between sleep and blank stares, and my 3-year-old napped before starting to watch a movie. We had recently indulged in a minivan with a DVD player, which was unthinkable a few years previous but I admit was wonderful for family trips. Granted, I had explained to my daughter that the mysterious video machine only worked when we traveled long distances, not during the daily three-minute ride to the grocery store. Somehow, she accepted my logic.

My daughter was watching, on this hot summer day, Ron Howard’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas, starring Jim Carrey. Just before the third hour of our trip, I was thinking about the movie’s decibel level. How could Richie Cunningham direct such an obnoxious Christmas remake? But my musings were harshly interrupted by the words every traveling parent dreads: “Gotta go pee-pee! Gotta go pee-pee!” This chant was immediately compounded by an eruption of screams from my infant daughter that seemed to indicate she had not been fed for a week.

Enter panic. I kicked myself for not stopping at the rest area we had just passed. I tried to calculate how much time my daughter’s bladder could buy us, but her tone conveyed imminent urination. So I resigned myself to the prospect of a soaked car seat and an extremely uncomfortable toddler, followed by a lot of work at the next exit.

Then, a small miracle: my wife remembered we had an inflated port-a-potty in the trunk. But we would need to pull over to set it up. Reluctantly, I agreed, and we pulled over and put on our hazard lights.

After some struggle, I managed to set up the potty in the back of the van for my oldest while my wife began breastfeeding the baby. My 3-year-old actually became excited now, since going to the bathroom had become a new adventure. It was hard for me to laugh, though, because just three feet away tractor trailers roared by. As I quickly put a twist-tie around the bag of urine and got back in the van, I just wanted to resume driving.

That’s when the state trooper pulled up behind us.

Enter a new series of anxious questions:

• Can we get a ticket for this?
• Did I remember to bring my new insurance card?
• Might this simply be a hidden-camera headache commercial?
• Does “gotta go pee-pee” qualify as an emergency?
• Which emergency — a toddler’s need to urinate or a baby’s need for breastfeeding — is the better excuse to give the officer?

This last question I asked my wife as the officer approached, and she answered: “Definitely tell him we had to breastfeed the baby.” I was a little puzzled by her confidence, but I took her advice.

“What seems to be the problem?” he asked upon reaching my window.

“Our baby was screaming so we stopped to breastfeed her,” I said meekly, feeling he might scold us for being pushovers. Instead, he simply mumbled “OK” and walked back to his car.

I turned to my wife: “That’s weird. He kept looking down the road as he talked to me. It’s like he didn’t even care why we were stopped.”

“Do you want to know why?” she asked with a smile. “Because I had my breast out and was holding the baby when he was at the window. Men usually look anywhere else but at a breastfeeding woman. I wasn’t even feeding the baby at the time!”

I didn’t know whether to be appalled or impressed. Either way, the rest of the trip was uneventful, though it was awkward to arrive at my father-in-law’s with a bag of urine dangling from my hand.

Every so often celebrities bravely campaign to “normalize” breastfeeding by doing it in public. The idea: movie stars, models and whatever the hell Kardashians are can help remove the stigma around breastfeeding in public.

Despite breastfeeding being as normal and natural as it gets, this movement to remove the shame some women feel about feeding their children is actually necessary. Whole bunches of people can’t stomach the sight of a woman breastfeeding in public!

Who are these folks making women feel shame over feeding their kids? I guarantee you, most of them have behaved far worse in public. We all have.

First, context matters. Whether you’re a Bible Belt prude who thinks it’s indecent or a misogynistic man-child who only likes to see grown men sucking on boobs, take a step back and think about what’s actually happening. Even if you somehow think it’s gross on a visceral level (to which I say: GROW UP), the act itself – a parent nourishing their child in the most basic, biological way – is anything but. It’s pretty much a miracle that it’s even possible.

Second, each and every one of us witnesses acts far more objectionable than breastfeeding in public on a daily basis (as if breastfeeding were objectionable at all). And none of those have the benefit of keeping babies alive.

Common Public Activities Worse Than Breastfeeding in Public

• Nose-picking: Not only is it gross to see, the person caught doing it is ashamed to be caught in the act; as they should be! Whereas even if you think breastfeeding is gross (GROW UP), there is certainly no shame in it, but digging into your nose in public is childish behavior that should stop in the third grade.
  BENEFIT: Convenience and comfort, I guess? Saving money on tissues? I suppose you could eat it, but holy shit please don’t!
• Crotch-adjusting/scratching – Keep it on the baseball field, guys. You know, where there are cameras everywhere and we can all leer.
  BENEFIT: Comfort and … “comfort” ifyouknowwhatI’msaying.
• Fingernail clipping – This boggles my mind. It’s nasty. Just the sound of it is disturbing. And babies can’t even eat fingernails. They’ll probably try because babies are IDIOTS, but there’s just no protein!
  BENEFIT: I can’t even think of an upside to doing this in full view of other people. Letting them know you’re not a vampire?
• Spitting – There aren’t many bodily fluids I want to see you expel in public, and even though spit is probably one of the least offensive (please, don’t make me list the rest), watching your saliva hit the ground is much worse than seeing a woman feed her child.
  BENEFIT: Relief from phlegm? And it’s a handy way to communicate contempt when you can’t think of a clever comeback.
• Smoking – It smells. It kills you. It can kill those you expose to it. If you don’t like dealing with other people’s children, you certainly don’t want to deal with other people’s cancer.
  BENEFIT: Lightheadedness. Eventually sounding like Vin Diesel. Looking super cool. I won’t be sarcastic and say lung cancer. I won’t. (Throat cancer.)
• Eating fast food – This is like the opposite of breastfeeding a child. Instead of keeping someone alive with natural, beneficial ingredients, you’re killing yourself with toxic ingredients. And it’s all over your face. Seriously. There’s special sauce in your chin-strap, bro. And on your shirt. And your pants. There’s just no elegant way to eat this stuff. We truly shouldn’t be allowed to do it out in the open.
  BENEFIT: Convenience. Multitasking (it’s also a laxative). And you’ve actually motivated me to never go into another McDonald’s again. So, thanks?
• Urinating – Sure, most of us don’t whip it out or squat in the middle of a restaurant, but we men definitely line up at urinals and/or troughs (been to Fenway Park recently?) to do the deed. You’re telling me seeing someone breastfeed a tiny, helpless human being is more objectionable than rubbing shoulders with someone who’s spraying piss into a bucket?
  BENEFIT: Convenience. Comfort. Writing in the snow.
• Twerking – Is this craze over yet? Seriously, stop shaking your ass in my face.
  BENEFIT: I don’t have the slightest fucking clue. Exercise?

By way of contrast:

• Breastfeeding – This partial exposure of one of the most sought-after parts of the human body seems to infuriate and offend countless idiots. It’s neither indecent exposure nor something anyone flaunts. You can’t see much of anything unless you’re looking, either because most women cover with purposely with a blankie or incidentally with the child’s head/body. It’s a means to an end. Oh, and that end?
  BENEFIT: Keeping a helpless human being alive.

Have a little perspective, people. The only thing that needs to be normalized is the behavior of anyone who feels the need to give a nursing mother grief.

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.

Photo: 38/366 – out at dinner via photopin (license)

Editor’s Note: We’d like to thank BabyNes for partnering with us to arrange this interview to discuss childhood nutrition with Dr. Tanya Altmann, a UCLA-trained pediatrician practicing in southern California. Altmann is also the associate medical editor of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ best-selling parenting book Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5 and author of Mommy Calls: Dr. Tanya Answers Parents’ Top 101 Questions About Babies and Toddlers.

Breast milk

NYC Dads Group: One of the first questions many parents ask regarding feeding their newborn baby is whether to breastfeed or use formula. For a while now, breast milk has been considered the “best.” Why?

Dr. Tanya Altmann: Breast milk has always been considered the best for baby because it is. Breast milk provides a baby with immunity against bacteria and viruses. It is easy to digest. And, it is uncommon for baby to be allergic to. From day one, the nutrition in breast milk (protein, carbohydrates, healthy fat and other nutrients) is exactly what a baby needs. It continually changes over time as a baby’s nutritional needs change for proper growth and development.

NYCDG: For some families, breastfeeding is not possible for physical or health reasons or because their baby is adopted. Some of these families buy breast milk from a willing and able mother. How does breast milk from a non-biological mother compare? Are there any concerns people should consider?

Altmann: Donor breast milk is an option for families who do not have their own breast milk. All breast milk contains important antibodies to help protect a baby from infections as well as the nutritional benefits that breast milk contains. The risk of donor breast milk, if it is not purchased from a certified breast milk bank that thoroughly tests and treats the breast milk, is the risk of infection or contamination. There have been cases of “breast milk” being sold over the Internet where it wasn’t even breast milk, or the breast milk was diluted — both dangerous situations. This can be avoided by using a reputable milk bank. (For more information, visit the Human Milk Banking of North America at www.hmbana.org.)

In addition, for those who are unable to produce breast milk, formula feeding is a very viable option. The BabyNes Advanced Nutrition System, for example, was created to closely emulate the varying nutrients, proteins and carbohydrates found in breast milk.

Baby formula

NYCDG: How do today’s baby formulas compare? Are some formulas better than others?

Altmann: All major baby formula manufacturers are using technology and science to try to make their formula closer to breast milk, which is good for infant nutrition. Some formula companies are adding important nutrients, such as DHA and ARA and probiotics. More recently, formula companies are making “staged formula.” This more closely mimics the evolution of breast milk over time as a baby grows and matures. The BabyNes Advanced Nutrition System most precisely stages their formula so that the protein, carbohydrate, fat and nutrient composition changes over time, similar to the way breast milk evolves as a baby grows.

NYCDG: We have both had the opportunity to work with the team behind the new Gerber® BabyNes® system. Why do you as a pediatrician recommend this system?

Altmann: This is the first time that a formula company has staged a formula as precisely so the fat, protein and calorie content changes throughout six stages as your baby grows to more closely mimic the evolution of breast milk. Each stage comes in capsules that are inserted into the BabyNes machine, mix with water and out comes precisely measured nutrition for your baby at the temperature you desire all under one minute. There are no messy powders to deal with. It’s also Wi-Fi enabled. This helps parents who desire to keep track of the number of ounces their baby drinks or know when it’s time to reorder more formula pods.

NYCDG: If parents are using formula, at what age do you recommend a switch to cow’s milk (or some other type of milk)?

Altmann: After age 1, there are options! Parents can continue formula designed specifically for toddlers over age 1. They can start whole milk or 2 percent milk. Or use any combination those. Toddlers don’t need more than 24 ounces a day of formula or milk combined. Some parents may offer formula at home, but order milk when out or vice versa. Talk to your pediatrician. Depending on your toddler’s diet and growth, he or she may have a preference as to the beverages your toddler drinks. Either way, make sure you also offer plenty of plain water and avoid juice and other sweet tasting beverages.

Healthy eating

NYCDG: You have a new book coming out this month. Tell us about it.

Altmann: My book is called What to Feed Your Baby: A Pediatrician’s Guide to the 11 Essential Foods to Guarantee Veggie-Loving, No-Fuss, Healthy-Eating Kids. It is my formula for feeding babies from birth and beyond.

As a pediatrician and mother of three boys, I know firsthand that good nutrition is essential for healthy kids. However, parents today are bombarded with confusing and sometimes harmful information.

In What to Feed Your Baby, I cut through the noise with a simple program that follows the safest, best practices for feeding babies and young children. I begin with my foundation foods critical to brain development. These are: eggs, prunes, avocado, fish, yogurt/cheese/ milk, nut butters/nuts, chicken/beans, fruit, green veggies, whole grains, and water. Those should be the basis of every child’s diet in their early life. I also offer guidance for introducing them into a daily diet with delicious, dietician-developed recipes that will help train young taste buds to enjoy non-processed foods.

NYCDG: You are a practicing pediatrician in Calabasas, California. Have you seen a shift in the engagement of dads in raising their kids?

Altmann: Definitely! It takes a village and many dads in my practice are just as involved as moms when it comes to caring for and raising their children. I also have families with single dads, two dads, and very involved grandpas. They all seem to enjoy spending time with their kids and it’s important for young children to have a variety of loving adults to care for them.

My husband and I both try our best to integrate family and work into our day. Some days are more hectic than others, but I couldn’t do everything that I do without his help and dedication to our family.