As soldiers of the Dad Army, one of our missions is to become an expert at bottle feeding. No problem, right? It’s part of one of the most important functions of our parenting duties — keeping the kid alive!

When my wife and I had our second child, I knew it was time once again for me to enter the fray. It had been nearly two years since bottle feeding my first child, but you know — the whole “riding the bike” thing. However, the battle lines were drawn rather quickly. 

The first few times went smoothly. My newborn daughter took to the bottle fairly easily. However, last week my wife was out for the day and this daddy was left in charge of his nearly three-month-old. It was a bigger disaster than when Napoleon tried to invade Russia.

My daughter wouldn’t take the bottle at all. She fought me tooth and nail. I fought back with agitation and frustration as she tugged on the frayed ends of my sanity. We were both getting upset. The day ended with an exhausted and hungry baby and an angst-filled father who was ready to grab his own bottle of whatever he could find, down it in an instant, and then for good measure, perhaps smash it over his head.

Why did this happen? Let me use an analogy. Let’s say you were planning to go out with some friends for a delicious steak dinner. You had two options for your meal:

• Option A: A Michelin-star steakhouse with a menu of mouth-watering main courses and sides that puts a rumble in the stomach just thinking about it.
• Option B: A hole-in-the-wall joint between the train station and a crack den where you play Russian roulette with E.coli just by looking in the window.

There’s no question where you would go to dine, right? 

Breast is best, but …

Breastfeeding is the best and most comforting thing for newborns. They get to eat. They are cozy and warm. They are as close to their mother as humanly possible. Breastfeeding releases oxytocin. According to a popular breastfeeding website, La Leche League International, “oxytocin’s role in breastfeeding includes causing nipple erection, increasing blood flow to the breast and to the mother’s skin (to keep the baby warm), enhancing the expression of instinctual behaviors (in mother and baby), contributing to the flow of nutrients from the blood into the mother’s milk, giving the mother a feeling of calmness, increasing tolerance of pain, and enhancing wound healing. Because of the feelings of calmness and emotional connection oxytocin generates in the nursing mother, it is often called ‘the mothering hormone.'” 

When they are first born, children are not privy to the difference between a bottle and the breast. However, at around the 2-month mark, it is quite common for the baby to reject the bottle. There is no substitution for nursing and babies certainly don’t want to downgrade to some artificial nipple substitute. How on earth can we achieve this zen-like state when replacing the real thing with silicone?

I needed to come up with a meaningful plan. 

Through some diligent research on the internet by my wife and my own “aha” findings, I came up with what I like to call “Six Pointers to Keep Calm and Bottle Feed Your Baby”. (Sponsorship from Six Point Brewery is pending).

1. Set the mood

Find a calm place to give your baby the bottle. Look for a place in the house where it’s quiet and dimly lit with a comfortable chair/couch for you to sit on. You want it to be a different place from where your partner or wife usually breastfeeds. Babies have an uncanny sense of things and if you try and give a bottle in the chair they usually breastfeed in it might throw them off. 

Have everything you need handy before you sit down. Burp cloth and bibs for baby, and water and a snack for yourself. Turn off your phone. You don’t want any distractions during this time. (This includes your partner/wife asking you, “How’s it going?”) If you have another child in the house, find something to keep them occupied as well. A calm place for bottle feeding is imperative to success.

2. Calm your mind and body

If you are stressed or in a poor mindset, you’re setting yourself up for imminent failure. Take a few deep breaths before you sit down with your baby. Put on some calming music. Do whatever you need to do to relax yourself. 

3. Smile and have fun

When you finally sit down and get situated, look at your baby and smile. This is a wonderful bonding moment and shouldn’t be a stressful war. Sing a quiet song or a silly nursery rhyme or limerick. This will put your baby at ease and make it enjoyable for both of you. Talk to your baby and let them know that this bottle they are about to have is going to be the best thing ever. Positivity goes a long way and your baby will sense it (like a Jedi does the force).

4. Be positively persistent

Your baby may reject your initial attempts to give the bottle. Be prepared for this and don’t freak out. Persist. Hold the bottle gently, but firmly, to your baby’s lips even when they shake their head and arch away. If it doesn’t work after a few minutes, put the bottle down and move it out of sight. Take this time to regroup yourself, keep calm, and remind yourself that it’s not your fault. After a few minutes, return, cuddle with your baby, tell them a joke or even make a funny fart sound. Then, again happily offer the bottle. It may take an hour for your baby to drink four ounces of milk the first time, but it will get better over time.

5. Stick to your guns

There are more brands and types of bottles on the market than there are parodies of the latest teeny-bopper hit. The key is to continue with the same bottle once you find one that works! Be consistent, and stick with it. Don’t get frustrated and start changing through bottles like Lady Gaga does outfits! 

6. Cut your losses 

There may be a point where your baby will not take the bottle despite all of your loving attempts. If the baby doesn’t want the bottle then, leave it be. I would recommend trying at least three times for at least 10 minutes each time to get the baby to take the bottle. Now, if your partner or wife is around, DO NOT give the baby to them to breastfeed immediately after a failed bottle feeding. This pretty much tells your baby that you’re waving the white flag and they have won. The best thing to do is to do something else for about 10 to 15 minutes. You can do tummy time, read a book or even bathe your baby. This break in the feeding action will disassociate the bottle from the breast.

There you have it Dad Army. I certainly hope this helps.

This article was first published in 2013 and recently updated. Father bottle feeding baby photo: © o_lypa / Adobe Stock.

The first month of the year is not just January – it’s also Veganuary. The idea is simple: don’t eat any foods derived from animals for 31 days.

What began as an idea from a British husband and wife in 2014 has grown into an annual international phenomenon. During 2022, an estimated 620,000 people participated, and the United Kingdom-based Veganuary charity hopes to grow its participation each year.

Why am I telling you this? I’m a vegan dad raising vegan children. And Veganuary is the perfect time to explain why it’s a lifestyle worth considering.

Eleven and half years ago, I was on a first date with a sexy redhead. I was enjoying a bacon cheeseburger. When she only ordered a salad, I flirted by saying she didn’t need to stick to salad as she was so slim. Well, it turned out she was vegan. I was embarrassed, to say the least, though the date wasn’t blown … in fact, I ended up marrying her a year and a half later.

My wife, Rachel, never pressured me to change my diet. She did, however, explain why she was vegan herself. It broke down into three main topics.

Veganism can mean better health

Veganism, when properly planned to incorporate a diverse variety of plant and fortified foods, is healthier. There are many misconceptions about it, though. One of the most common is that vegans suffer from protein deficiency. High protein can be found in many plant sources including beans, soy, whole wheat and nuts. It’s all a matter of regularly incorporating them into your diet.

Another misconception centers around “fake meats” which have grown more common every year. I’ll be blunt. That stuff is delicious, but no one says it’s healthy. It’s essentially vegan junk food. While a Beyond burger may possibly be better for the environment, I’m still only eating those ultra-processed foods on rare occasions. In general, I stick to what’s called a “whole foods plant-based diet,” which is more diverse in food choices, far healthier and more sustainable long-term.

No animals are harmed

This is the original impetus for many people who go vegan. Obviously, if you care about animals, it is better to not eat them, wear them or otherwise profit from their deaths. Dairy and eggs might seem less harmful at first glance, but the animals are often kept in factory-like conditions, force-fed and artificially inseminated repeatedly to keep those products flowing. The more you start to wrap your head around where the animal products you consume come from, the more uncomfortable it feels.

Better for the environment

This is an important part of veganism for many. One study, from Oxford University, claims that going vegan is the “single biggest way” to reduce a person’s carbon footprint. The study argues that carbon use decreases by nearly three-quarters when living a vegan lifestyle since every step of the omnivore process emits greenhouse gasses: Forests are cleared for animals, food is transported to feed them, refrigeration is used to store meat, and so on. The Washington Post recently investigated the destruction of the Amazon rainforest and cites American demand for beef as the chief catalyst of the deforestation there.

Why try Veganuary?

Now you understand some of the reasons for trying veganism. But why now? How can you start? And what should you watch out for?

Veganuary is the perfect opportunity to try veganism. And switching to a plant-based diet has never been easier. You can order vegan options beyond just salads at many restaurants, including fast-food chains. Many supermarkets have plant-based sections with alternatives to meat, cheese and milk. And frankly, those vegan versions have never been tastier. I’ve been vegan for eight years, and am astounded at how fast the industry has changed, both in terms of quality and quantity available.

Yet, pitfalls also exist. The simplest way to go vegan is to switch all your current meals for vegan versions, but that’s not always the best choice. If you eat a lot of meat and chicken, for example, switching to plant-based processed alternatives won’t necessarily be your healthiest move. These versions sometimes have as many, if not more, calories, saturated fat and sodium as their animal counterparts. Plus, you’ll probably get tired of them after a month. Now, don’t deny yourself a few good “fake” burgers or nuggets, but move past them. Mix up your meals and your proteins. Look up some recipes. Try a chili with only beans, corn, tomatoes and spices. Cook up a curry with tofu. Barbeque some tempeh.

Rising vegan children

Parenting a vegan child has its own challenges, and we are raising two of them. I fully admit my own kids eat way more vegan nuggets and protein bars than I’d prefer, but we do what works. They’re healthy and happy kids.

The hardest part is birthday parties, traveling, and other parents. My best advice: Bring your food with you. Also, use the app HappyCow to search out vegan options on the road and at restaurants. Make sure your children get a selection of fruits, carbs, veggies and protein sources every day.

We still get odd looks and occasional jokes from neighbors, but I’m proud to be a vegan dad. And I encourage others to try it.

Photo: © Mara Zemgaliete / Adobe Stock.

My daughter has never eaten a hamburger. Or pizza. Or chicken nuggets. In fact, she’s never had a smorgasbord of foods most 8-year-olds devour with abandon: grilled cheese, hot dogs, spaghetti, mac and cheese, and — my personal favorite — tacos. Who doesn’t love a good taco?

Oh sure, she may sniff, touch, and occasionally lick these foods. But to actually bite, chew, and swallow it? Well, that’s just asking too much.

My daughter is more than just a picky eater. She’s what feeding experts call a “resistant eater.” This means she eats just 10 to 15 foods (or fewer), limits her food groups (to mostly carbs), and often expresses disapproval, sometimes with a harrumph, over the presence of a new food on her plate.

This food fussiness stems from my daughter’s autism, which makes her uncomfortable with changes in routine. Adding to it is a sensory processing disorder (SPD), a neurological condition that causes difficulties with processing information from the five senses: taste, sight, touch, smell and hearing.

The SPD manifests as a preference for snacks with a crunchy texture and bold flavor. For her, these are smoked Gouda Triscuits, barbeque quinoa chips, cheddar Pringles, and, her mainstay, white cheddar popcorn. The autism appears as a need for certain foods to always be the same brand. I once bought my daughter SkinnyPop white cheddar popcorn instead of the usual Smartfood brand because it was on sale. When I pulled the popcorn from the grocery bag, she took one look at the unfamiliar green and white packaging and uttered, “No, Daddy.”

Fussy eating appears during solid food introduction

While there are no reliable statistics on the feeding and eating problems of autistic children, one widely reported study found they are five times more likely to face mealtime challenges — from narrow food selection to rigid eating behaviors — than their typically developing peers.

When my daughter was diagnosed as autistic in 2017, shortly before her third birthday, I focused less on what went into her mouth and more on what was coming out of it — hardly any discernible words. I didn’t know much about the connection between autism and eating habits.

My daughter’s unique palette and pickiness began to emerge at 6 months old. This was when my wife first introduced her to solid food: yogurt, apple sauce, assorted baby foods, cereal, pears (which always ended up on the floor), and even pico de gallo (she apparently liked the light kick of jalapeño).

There was the occasional bite of a pork chop here, a forkful of blueberry pancake there. But, as our daughter grew older, she never really took to eating a broad variety of foods. At 13 months she consistently drank milk from a sippy cup, and that was only after my wife successfully transitioned her from formula in a bottle — a change our daughter mightily resisted.

To ensure our daughter got the proper helping of nutrients, my wife started mixing the milk with varieties of Naked Juice, a brand of fruit and vegetable smoothies. That eventually evolved into a blend of Naked Juice and Greek yogurt (packed with protein and probiotics) for her school lunches. I jokingly refer to these smoothie blends as the “Elixir of Life” because without them I’m certain our daughter wouldn’t be thriving or hitting her growth and weight targets. In my daughter’s words, “Smoothies are very tasty at lunch and recess.”

Still, getting your child to eat shouldn’t be this complicated.

Strategies for combating a resistant eater

Doctors confirmed our daughter didn’t have swallowing or gastrointestinal issues, but that didn’t relieve my constant worry about her nutritional intake. Can she continue to thrive on such a limited diet? Am I packing enough food in her lunch box to last the school day? Will she ever outgrow these food aversions?

I reached out to my daughter’s therapists for tips and advice. Through them, I learned just how complicated the act of eating is. It involves 26 muscles, eight sensory systems, six cranial nerves to chew and swallow, and engages every organ in your body. As speech-language pathologist Judy McCrary Koeppen notes in The Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism: “Eating is a multisensory experience. Each mouthful brings the possibility of a variety of flavors, textures, and temperatures.”

Whatever you do, they said, never withhold food or physically force a child to eat. That will only make things worse for a resistant eater, a picky eater or any child.

So we began with “food chaining.” You start with a child’s preferred food and gradually “chain” together similar foods with slight changes or variations until you get to the new food. For example, go from chips to crackers to crackers with a sweet topping to chocolate pudding. We did the best we could. Our lack of time and patience, though, caused us to abandon this tactic.

Then we tried bribery. Our daughter could earn iPad screen time if she tried a new food. It worked for a few weeks (I recall her taking bites of broccoli and salmon), but her motivation waned.

We knew consistency would be key to overcoming the limitations of our resistant eater. We worked with our daughter’s behavioral therapist to add a feeding component to her therapy sessions. Three times a week my wife and I pack a new (or less preferred) food for the therapist to try with our daughter. Eating is the goal, but touching and licking the food also counts as success.

Every time the therapist reports our daughter actually ate something new, I do a happy dance. So far she’s taken a liking to baby carrots, apple slices, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When you’re the parent of a resistant eater, you celebrate every victory, no matter how small.

Sharing a meal socially helps

My wife and I build on our daughter’s progress at home by offering her the same food we’re eating, even if we think she’ll refuse it.

My Italian sausage lasagna? Nope.

My wife’s savory beef chili? Declined.

One day my wife offered her rice with salted butter. She ate it and asked for it again later that month. The week before that, our daughter requested orange juice. My wife and I looked at each other with an expression that read, “Who’s child is this?”

With each bite of new food, our daughter is maturing as an eater. Just as some people are social drinkers, we’re learning our daughter is a social eater. She’s a bubbly chatterbox now and loves participating in occasions that involve food — birthday parties, holiday dinners, family outings. She just happens to bring her own smoothies and snacks to the table.

Last autumn a friend invited us over for dinner with his family. I warned him my daughter may not eat what was served. When the chicken lettuce wraps arrived at the table, to my amazement, she grabbed one and took a few bites before retreating to her snack tote. Months earlier, at a dinner party, she casually snacked on tortilla chips and mixed nuts like it was no big deal. But indeed, it was.

I used to think my daughter, as a resistant eater, was missing out on moments because she was missing out on the food. That’s because my own childhood memories are intertwined with the scents and tastes of dishes prepared with love. The gooey and decadent German chocolate cake my mother made. The tangy sweet peach cobbler with the gloriously buttery crust baked by my grandmother. My great-grandmother’s New Year’s Day meal of collard greens, black-eyed peas, and cornbread for good luck in the new year.

I’m realizing that as long as my daughter is connecting with the people around the table, she’ll never miss out on love, joy, and laughter even if she is munching from a different menu.

She’ll join in when she’s ready.

Skipping meals. Forcing themselves to throw up. Obsessively exercising until total exhaustion. This is the scary reality for many teenagers, especially young females, struggling with body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

Research shows that almost 10 in every 100 teenage girls suffer from an eating disorder of some variety. Many of these girls feel pressure from the media, friends or classmates to look a certain way or fit a particular mold. Too often, girls as well as boys are led to believe their value relies more on appearance than their character or their abilities. This thinking can lead to a dangerous infatuation with their bodies, dysmorphia and, subsequently, an eating disorder.

Often times, parents fail to recognize these disorders. Sometimes people even misread the situation and praise teens for losing weight or becoming “healthier” even though they may be practicing habits that are very bad for their physical and emotional well-being.

Fortunately, more discussion occurs these days about how and why these conditions burden so many young people. However, not a lot of material out there has been designed to help parents talk to their teenagers about this topic. It’s important to educate your child on the dangers of these disorders just as you would warn them about drunk driving or smoking. Anyone is susceptible, and could potentially face serious physical and emotional consequences.

Defining body dysmorphia, eating disorders

The term dysmorphia may sound intimidating or unfamiliar. However, it’s important to understand what it means in order to understand eating disorders.

Body dysmorphia refers to a person having an inaccurate image of their own body and the negative mental effects that occur for that person as a result. The person sees their own body as different than it actually is, or believes one particular element of their body is far beyond normal proportions and therefore something they should be very concerned about.

This can lead to several different kinds of eating disorders. The most common are:

• Bulimia is a condition in which body dysmorphia leads an individual to feel depressed and overeat, then force themselves to throw up or fast for an extended period to avoid gaining weight.
• Anorexia is characterized by dangerously low weight as a result of refusing to eat or excessive exercise.

Both disorders are extremely serious, can cause lifelong damage to one’s body, be life threatening.

Another common disorder not discussed as often is binge eating disorder. Similar to bulimia in it involves eating large amounts, but it differs in that it does not involve throwing up or fasting. It may seem odd for an individual who believes they are too large to overeat and gain a lot of weight. However, often times eating disorders are inextricably linked to low self-esteem. Those who feel they are overweight may experience depression and cope by eating lots of food and gaining more weight. This can lead to a hard to break cycle of self-sabotage.

Prevent the problem

One way you can start preventing these issues early on is by creating a positive home environment where your child doesn’t feel excessive pressure to conform to a perfect body type. By cooking balanced meals and not scrutinizing your child’s weight, you can help them develop a positive relationship with their body. If you value their accomplishments and celebrate their abilities, they will understand their body is not all that makes them valuable. Making sure they understand their worth is not tied to their appearance helps prevent a problematic relationship with food and body weight.

Eating meals together helps create a healthy relationship with food within your family. Sitting down to eat as a group helps children develop consistent eating habits, and demonstrates to them the importance of eating regularly. Another helpful measure is making sure food in your home is balanced and healthy. This sets a good example of what it’s like to treat your body with care and respect.

As we’ve said, it’s important to make sure your child eats healthy so they can be strong and happy. However, some teens fail to consider their own personal nutrition, and may have bad habits like only indulging in junk food or refusing to be active. How do you draw the line between guilting them over this and helping them set healthy boundaries?

Start by not creating so much pressure or emphasis on diet and exercise that your child believes it’s the only or most important thing. Aim for language targeting the bad food as the issue, not your child. For example:

“Hey, Greg. I noticed you’ve been drinking a lot of soda recently. I’m a little concerned. Soda is very high in sugar and certain chemicals. It’s not very good for you, even though it may taste good. I want you to be healthy and take good care of yourself, so I’m asking you to limit yourself to one every few days.”

Start a conversation

Education is one of the best methods of prevention. By addressing the topic of eating disorders before it potentially becomes an issue, you help your children recognize when they are adopting unhealthy habits. It never hurts to guide them to increase their awareness because messages from outside sources can really affect their perceptions of their own body.

To educate your children on the dangers of body dysmorphia, try beginning with a heart to heart about body image. Don’t be afraid to sit down and talk to them honestly about these topics. Try something like this:

“I love you and I want to make sure you love yourself, too. Do you ever wish you looked like someone else or feel insecure about your appearance? Have you ever taken measures to combat that insecurity outside of normal diet and exercise? I won’t be angry with you; I just want to be sure you’re OK.”

Being proactive to help teens understand what eating disorders are and how they could potentially be affected is important. By addressing these topics and creating a safe space to discuss them, you build a safety net for your teen. This helps if they ever feel they are slipping down a dark path regarding body image and self-esteem.

Struggling with body dysmorphia

Have you noticed your teenager dealing with issues surrounding their weight or body image? Maybe its a dramatic weight loss or another behavior that sends a signal of concern.

If you’re not sure what to look for, first pay attention to how much and what your child is eating within 24 hours. Make sure they are eating about three balanced meals a day. Also note how much time they spend exercising to see if they are stretching their body to an unhealthy extent.

It can be hard to confront your teen about a highly personal issue like an eating disorder. You may feel overwhelmed or scared you’ll say the wrong thing. The best approach: assume nothing and to be clear that your goal is to help them, not make them feel shame or guilt. Remind them that your biggest concern is their health and well-being.

Resources

Where can you go and who can you talk to when you know your teenager is suffering from an eating disorder?

• First, talk to a doctor to find out if your child’s disorder has caused any issues that need immediate attention.
• Then, reach out to a mental health professional for a proper diagnosis. Potential treatment, such as medication, regular therapy, and single or group counseling, could follow.
• You may need to monitor your child’s nutritional activities to ensure that they are staying healthy and taking care of themselves for some time after.

If diagnosed with body dysmorphia or an eating disorder, your child may have some trouble processing it. Be patient with them. Remind them you want to help them heal and grow from the experience. Perhaps call a family meeting to make sure all members of the house are on the same page. Your teenager needs a safe space where they can get better, so it’s important to make sure they are not facing any triggering actions from the rest of the family.

Next steps

Even if you don’t think your child might be suffering from dysmorphia or an eating disorder, show love and support. To prevent the development of these issues, remind your child they are valued for their accomplishments, personality and skills, not just their appearance.

If you can, educate your child as much as possible on the media’s perception of body image and the possible signs and risks of eating disorders. Be patient with any teen struggling to overcome the serious physical and emotional side effects of these conditions. Overall, show all the love and support you can to help your teenager get through this challenging time.

About the author

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Body image photo: ©Siniehina / Adobe Stock.

One bad banana in the bunch started Vernon D. Gibbs II on his journey to become a children’s author.

The New Jersey stay-at-home father of three, who is a contributor to our City Dads Group blog, said his son, Justin, was getting ready to toss out a bruised and overripe banana several years ago. Gibbs interceded, showing him that the brown and dented fruit would be a perfect addition to a smoothie — which Justin simply ate up.

“From there, a story grew about eating healthy, creating less waste and how we all sometimes struggle or don’t bother to try to find value in ourselves and each other,” Gibbs said. “In a time when more and more kids and adults are struggling with self-doubt and hopelessness, this message of hope and rooting for the underdog is needed.”

Gibbs, working with his cousin Steven T. Gray, turned his idea into When Good Fruit Goes Bad. The 36-page illustrated adventure focuses on grocer Hank Huckleberry, who loves to sell fresh fruits and veggies. When some of his past-its-prime fruit rebel and take over his store, Hank needs to find a way to make all right again.

While the book, on the surface, is about broadening one’s healthy food options, Gibbs notes it is also about looking beyond what one sees to find inner worth. “Despite some bumps and bruises that might keep you from looking and feeling ‘perfect,’ you have value,” said Gibbs who also writes the blog, Cool Minivan Dad. “You just may have to work a bit harder to find it in yourself and others.”

Gibbs hopes When Good Fruit Goes Bad can be used by adults to start discussions with children around wellness of body and mind, speaking up for yourself, caring about the health of others, and much more. He and Gray even put together a downloadable guide to help adults use the book to spark such lessons.

Online reviews for When Good Fruit Goes Bad have been very positive, including one person who wrote on Amazon: “Black superhero? Healthy eating? Messages about not judging based on looks? This book checks all the boxes. This is a fun book your kids will love that teaches good eating habits and acceptance even for folks who look a little different, using rebellious fruit as the example.”

One of the many universal struggles we parents go through with our kids is getting them to eat diverse and healthy meals. Life, after all, has more and better things to offer than just chicken nuggets and boxed mac and cheese.

Help is here for many moms and dads with the arrival of The Adventurous Eaters Club: Mastering the Art of Family Mealtime, a new family cookbook by actor Misha Collins of TV’s Supernatural and his wife, Vicki.

The book, available starting today, tells the Collins’ story of struggling to get their firstborn to eat more than than the usual heavily processed, pre-packaged foods most of us default to when we are in a hurry and or children become stubborn about what they will and won’t eat. That all changed, they write, when they decided to play into a child’s natural curiosity and eagerness to play and explore.

“When my wife and I first became parents, feeding our kids was a struggle. Every meal was a battle — and we usually lost. It was all about convenience. We were exhausted, overwhelmed parents in survival mode,” Collins says. “But when our toddler hid some unauthorized, unusual groceries in our shopping cart and we let him cook us dinner with these ingredients, it opened our eyes to another path — one that reinvented our family’s relationship with food forever. This cookbook is the story of that transformation and how healthy food became a source of joy, adventure, laughter, and connection.”

This new attitude made making meals and snacks an adventure in the supermarket and kitchen with their child in the starring roles. This, the Collins write, led their children to broaden their palate and view food not only as a something to fill their bellies but as something to truly enjoy and celebrate.

The Adventurous Eaters Club combines personal anecdotes and tips with more than 100 creative recipes that even small children can prepare on their own or with a little assistance. The cookbook aims to make family mealtime fun and nutritious away from convenience foods and into a wide variety of items they will be excited to try and return to.

“Let it go,” my wife instructs whenever she catches me in front of the mirror of our bathroom vanity, pinching my jiggly love handles. I’m staring at the reflection of a body in transition.

I’d heard about the softer side of fatherhood – the research that links declines in testosterone and muscle mass to becoming a father – but I never thought adding one word to my identity (dad) would introduce a two-word certainty: dad bod.

You may recall the term’s explosion into pop culture in 2015. Clemson University sophomore Mackenzie Pearson published an article that went viral, titled “Why Girls Love the Dad Bod,” in which she claimed women are more attracted to men whose physiques are “a nice balance between a beer gut and working out” than gents with washboard abs. (Step aside, Joe Six-Pack.)

But as I approach the age of 45, I’m realizing dad bods are less about what women want and more about how a man sees himself in relation to what he once was and what he aspires to be.

Dad bod creeps in

The first signs of my dad bod appeared in the fall of 2014, shortly after the birth of my daughter, Emarie. The preferred notch on my belt seemed snugger than usual, thanks to a bit of squish around the waist that I chalked up to the sleep deprivation and questionable meal choices that mark the rite of passage for legions of new parents. I also had just turned 40, a milestone age that is known to mess with many a metabolism.

Life went on, but I refused to accept that me and dad bod were becoming a thing.

I ran charity 5Ks. I experimented with intermittent fasting. I lifted weights. But with each passing year of fatherhood and marriage, the outline of my abs slowly morphed into a miniature muffin top.

By the time Emarie was 2 years old, she had taken to resting her head on the pillow-like softness of my belly. She loved the fluffiness of it all. Me? Not so much. As a dad, I wanted to look and feel like a protector, a parental Guardian of the Galaxy. Fatherly flab was not part of my mental picture.

Then shortly before my 44th birthday, a small fold of fatty flesh developed under my chin. Sort of a gently sloping sag resembling a hammock between trees. I noticed my post-workout body aches and stiffness lingered longer than usual. And unruly gray hairs started appearing with regularity in new or unexpected places: my eyebrows, my nose, my chin, my temples, the crown of my head, and even my neck. For the first time, in a physically tangible way, I could see and feel myself aging.

More around the middle, mid-life

It seemed no coincidence these physical changes mirrored the dramatic shifts unfolding in my mid-life. My wife and I bought our first single-family home, concluding a gauntlet of paperwork, anxiety and excitement. I quit my job as a vice president at a public relations firm and started a new gig with a global company. And after a year of navigating the health insurance labyrinth, we secured autism therapy for our daughter only to face a challenge common to parents of special needs children: transitioning to new routines.

Through it all, my body changed and adapted to the season of life I found myself in. It did so in sickness and health, in good times and in bad, through poor sleep and deep worry, without complaint or reservation as revealed by the clean bills of health that came after annual physical exams. A sense of gratitude grew within me about the resiliency of my body in the face of life’s challenges.

It dawned on me that my strive to be fit is neither a desperate clinging to fleeting youth nor an attachment to a beach body aesthetic. It’s a rejection of the “dad bod” trope as reflected in this irreverent definition in Urban Dictionary: “The type of physique a man ‘earns’ when the increasing pressures of work life, married life, and especially fatherhood no longer allow him the time or drive to maintain a hard, toned figure. As a result, what was once a sculpted, chiseled frame digresses into a soft, flabby heaping pile of I Don’t Give A Sh*t Anymore.”

To be sure, I don’t expect to return to the lean runner’s body of my college days or the svelte waistline of my 30s. I just rebuff the idea that I’ve let myself go.

I still give a sh*t.

Dad bod assessment and acceptance

For me, dad bod is now about shedding societal ideals of manhood and physical virility – visible abs, thick chest, broad back, muscular arms and legs – so that I can make room for the man I am becoming, one who understands, to quote Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s The Little Prince, that “what is essential is invisible to the eye”: love, trust, faith, friendship, empathy, honor.

I don’t appear to be alone. A 2018 nationally representative survey commissioned by the gym chain Planet Fitness found that “sixty-two percent of men with dad bods feel that having one has improved their lives. These men feel less concerned with their appearance (43 percent), are more accepting of themselves (42 percent) and are more confident (25 percent).”

It’s body positivity at its finest.

My friends in public health may caution against embracing dad bod as the new male norm, pointing to research that shows excess abdominal fat increases the risk of death from heart disease. It’s an important, sobering point that has all the sway of an old-school “The More You Know” public service announcement. It needs an update.

As I see it, saying yes to dad bod means saying yes to self-care, the kind of care men especially don’t do enough, the sort that can help prevent disease because it encourages making time each day for your body – and mind. That could be time to hit the gym, to rest, to eat healthier, to take a long drive, to be with those you love, to play a sport, to get a massage, to practice meditation or even make that long-delayed medical appointment – whatever it is that helps you be the best version of yourself. That version may have a few extra pounds. It may not run as fast as it once did or be as strong. But it’s here. And being here for ourselves and our families is the essence of Dad Bod.

“Chase me! Chase me! Please! Pretty pleeeeease!” my daughter Emarie, now 4, screams excitedly. The ritual is always the same. I stand up, raise my hands, curl my fingers into claws, and growl like a bear (she likes that part). Then off we go. Running through the kitchen, over the living room sofa, down the steps of our split level, and finally to the family room futon where she tries to evade my tickles by hiding headfirst under a blanket. She doesn’t care how I look, just as long as I’m there.

Dad bod photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

New York City is a food lover’s paradise. From pizza to cronuts to craft beers and every amazing foodie dream in between, it’s quite easy to ruin your healthy eating habits if we aren’t careful. And, let’s be honest, for every health benefit the city provides, the Big Apple hits us with countless options to find dietary pitfalls.

One of my biggest goals as a nutrition coach is helping busy moms and dads navigate the challenges of everyday life with kids and work to find the right balance for achieving goals. The most important part of my programming is the nutritional side. This is how I break things down for my clients. Healthy eating habits can include having some cake and actually eating it and enjoying it from time to time.

It all starts with understanding the simple science of weight loss. No matter the pattern of dieting, style of eating or timing of when you eat, the key to losing weight is rooted in the ability to burn more calories than your body consumes.

This bears repeating.

If you eat in a caloric deficit, you will lose weight. Period. The science is 100 percent undefeated on this one.

Armed with this nugget of eternal wisdom, we can figure in an occasional moment of gluttony and determine how to avoid the obstacles of big city living to still make progress on our fat-loss goals.

Plan ahead to maintain healthy eating habits

If you know a big lunch meeting is planned for a certain restaurant in SoHo, scout ahead and look up the menu ahead of time. Find a few dishes that will work for your diet. When all options are on the fattening side, do your best to piece something together, or just know the rest of your day will need lower calorie options to compensate for the bigger meal.

Stick to the good dietary basics

Sometimes last-minute things come up and you have to navigate on the fly. In this case, damage control is the best option. Stick with the most basic of concepts for healthier eating. Lean meats and vegetables will see you through. Avoid the appetizers, which tend to carry ridiculous amounts of calories. Skip the bread and the chips and salsa.

Live a little now and then

Sometimes, there’s no amount of planning ahead or any healthier option available for you to avoid the inevitable dietary cheat. That’s OK. You can cut loose for one night and just consume all the calories. Seriously. One period of extended foodie glory will not derail all of your efforts.

Skip a meal

Intermittent fasting (IF) is all the rage right now. It’s not some magical method that mysteriously burns calories. Instead, IF is just a strategy of timing that allows for larger meals. If you’re dieting on 2,000 calories per day and skip your breakfast, that means 2,000 calories spread over lunch and dinner. You can enjoy more options while still hitting your goals.

For this situation, if you have a big dinner coming up and know there won’t be anything healthy on the menu, take a page from the IF lifestyle and skip breakfast or lunch (or even both) so you can enjoy the big dinner without the guilt. Word of advice: work your way into longer fasts, start with 10-12 hours (ex: stop eating after dinner at 7 p.m. and don’t break your fast until at least 7-8 a.m. the following day). It’ll help you mentally prepare for longer periods of fasting.

Stop at just one 

If all else fails and you just feel like letting your freak flag fly by downing an entire plate of Pad Thai and capping the night with some edible cookie dough, just enjoy yourself with no guilt. Seriously.

When this happens, the key is to not let this one night turn into two. That’s what separates the long-term successful dieters from the cyclical dad bod enthusiasts still hoping to drop a spare tire on New Year’s Eve, year after year.

When dieters hit a plan too hard, it can lead to this rigid approach to eating and life that lends no room for wiggling. That’s simply not sustainable long term. It’s a recipe for dietary failure.

Every once in a while, it’s fine to get in there, mix it up and eat like a fat kid at a pie eating contest. Know that your weight will likely bounce up a tad as a result of excess water storage and glycogen replenishment (this is what happens when we eat an abundance of carbs, the body’s fuel source). But, it will all flush away quickly –– as long as you get right back on your plan starting with the very next meal.

No punishments with extra miles on the treadmill. No starvation strategies by fasting for a week straight. No silly carb cutting to try and make up for the damage. Just live your life and get back on the game plan of maintaining healthy eating habits.

Photo by Adam Smotkin on Unsplash

I remember when I started hating the scale.

I was at the pediatrician’s office completing a routine physical before entering fifth grade. We were nearing the end of the exam when my relationship with the scale, and my weight, changed forever.

My pediatrician closed his clipboard and, in a serious tone, began, “OK, there is only one thing left to talk about. Toby, let’s talk about your weight. You need some help.”

I fought back tears as the well-intentioned doc explained a program to help me drop some pounds. At the time, I weighed more than 100 pounds and only stood 50 inches tall.

I knew I was overweight, but hearing someone else tell me so was devastating. Even today, nearly 30 years removed from that day, writing about it brings back so much sadness and shame.

That experience created some lifelong baggage for me. In fact, this experience resurfaced recently as I began to worry about my daughter, Vivi.

My daughter loves to eat

Vivi is a gorgeous, social, bubbly 8-year-old who will enter third grade this year with tenacity and vigor that makes me ridiculously proud. I’d never change her in any way, but I worry about her relationship with food.

Not only does Vivi like to eat, but she also thinks about food often, talks about food constantly and looks forward to her next meal.

At breakfast, she might ask: “Dad, what’s for lunch?” or “Are we going out to eat tonight?” On Sunday, in fact, Vivi returned from a birthday party — saying nothing about the overnight tomfoolery with her classmates. Instead, she spoke only about the cake-filled sugar cones and Skittles she ate.

Without a doubt, my daughter loves to eat and, I’m afraid, I’ve now come full circle. I’m a 40-year-old man with deep-seated issues, now tormented about what to do with a daughter who seems to be just like the elementary-school me. Having battled my own weight issues for many years, I know that I don’t want to send her down my same path:

• I don’t want my daughter to be dominated by food. I’d rather Vivi not look forward to the next meal, but I don’t want to give her a complex so she believes it’s wrong, gross or disgusting.
• I don’t want my daughter to have a diminished self-concept. I’ve tried to disconnect Vivi’s self-esteem from her physical appearance – but, the world may not be so kind.
• I don’t want my daughter to miss out. I want Vivi to feel free to grab a cupcake at a party or a second slice of pizza. I want her to be a worry-free kid.

The difficulty, though, comes when pairing the “I don’ts” above to what “I knows” of today.

• I know my daughter needs nudging. If left alone, Vivi would be a couch potato – watching Netflix and anxiously waiting for lunch to be served.
• I know the activities she prefers don’t provide a high level of exertion. The level of physical effort associated with the grade-school level tumbling class she loves pales in comparison to an hour of soccer or swimming practice that she’d rather avoid.
• I know, if given a choice, my daughter will select higher-calorie, junk foods. I hope Vivi makes mostly good food choices, but she’s an 8-year-old — there is nothing strange about picking French fries for a side.

Solutions that hold weight

When I think of the best way forward, for me, I come up with two parenting solutions:

1. Covert control

I can control what is in the fridge, what my kids are reaching for during snack time and the dishes that appear on our household dinner menu – that is an enormous advantage. I can influence their decisions without my kids having any idea – therefore not singling out any one of them.

2. Stop talking about weight, start talking about health

If I can talk to my kids about being healthy – eating wholesome foods in appropriate serving sizes, getting lots of daily, physical activity and finding their passions – there will be no need to address the numbers reported on the bathroom scale. There will be no “diets” in my home anymore. I will, instead, try to create a healthy lifestyle. And, by the way, one that can allow for French fries when it makes sense.

As with most of the parenting issues I think about, though, addressing your child’s health is not easy – and there is no right time.

The subject is complicated and the impacts are lasting. This is especially true if, like me, you’ve had the same personal struggles you’re trying to help your kid avoid. But, I’m choosing to let my baggage stay my own.

That doesn’t mean I won’t try to bat away an emerging issue with my daughter. It does, however, mean I’ll do so differently and more subtly.

All the while, like my parents some 30 years ago, I’ll wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Only time will tell if my parenting strategy is really worth the “weight.”