“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Those words from President Franklin Delano Roosevelt served as an encouraging rallying cry for Americans navigating the Great Depression. But to an 8-year-old who got pegged in the helmet by a “fastball” in his first at-bat of the new recreational baseball season, they mean nothing.

Sports bring out the best and worst in us, whether we’re fans watching our favorite team (go Knicks!) or participants on our church softball team. That’s a lot for parents to handle because much of our life seems to revolve around watching our children play sports, organized or otherwise, as soon as they can walk. For example, all three of my kids play on rec teams. This means two games a week for each child. Then add on one of two practices — again, for EACH CHILD. Then add that to all three kids’ other extracurricular activities. It is, to put it mildly, a busy life. For me.

This brings me back to FDR’s quote about fear. 

When I checked on my son, Jackson, after he got hit with that pitch, I could see his desire to play baseball had left him at that very moment. It was a brand-new experience for him. Two years ago he hit off a tee in games. Last year was coach pitch, so fathers lobbed slow pitches he could crush to the outfield. He had always been one of the best players on his teams up until that fateful at-bat. I loved watching him play and believed he could be a special player for many years. 

But after taking that less-than-fast one on the helmet, even though was OK physically, he was not OK emotionally. His not wanting to play for the rest of the game hit me in a way I was not expecting.

It got worse after the game. That’s when Jackson told me he didn’t want to play baseball anymore.

I was mad.

‘Fun’ comes first in ‘fundamentals’

Something felt like it was taken away from ME. I had spent time getting him ready, taking him to practice, doing pitching drills, and many other things to prepare him for another great season. The moment became about me, my time and my feelings rather than about my son and his state of mind.

Baseball soon became a struggle between the two of us. Two games later into the season, Jackson was still apprehensive about playing. I would spend an hour getting him dressed for games and practices. We’d argue the entire time about why he had — NEEDED — to go and couldn’t just not show. I was getting frustrated and so was he. I could see he was getting further and further from wanting to pick up a bat again.

Then, one day before practice, I was talking with another dad who coaches the team.  He didn’t blame Jackson for not wanting to play. He even admitted he would be scared to get back into the batter’s box after an experience like that too. While Jackson warmed up with his teammates in the outfield, the dad reminded me of a simple fact.

“They’re only 8,” he said. “This should be about learning the fundamentals of baseball but also having fun. If they aren’t having fun, then why are they doing it?”

That’s when I realized my duty as a father was not only to provide for my family. It was also my duty to listen to them. I wasn’t listening to Jackson about his genuine fear of getting hit by the ball, a fear anyone might have. It is no different than being afraid to get behind the wheel of a car after a traffic accident. Trauma affects everyone differently, and as parents, we must learn to recognize it in our children and address it.

With youth sports, we parents sometimes get caught up in the fantasy. We hear about all the benefits beyond physical health — friendship, teamwork, discipline, etc. — and expect results on Day One. Often it becomes about our kids living the athletic dreams we wanted to come true for ourselves. Maybe we even indulge in thoughts about the riches (or at least the college scholarships) it provides only a select few. We make it about ourselves and think our kids should tough it out. 

Youth sports parents: Listen, learn, enjoy

But these are just children. Some just want to hang with their friends, sing a few fun and clever rallying cries, and then get a hot dog and slushy from the snack stand after the game. Youth sports parents must remember to frequently ask their kids one very simple question, “Are you having fun?”

If you know they are having fun, it makes the long road trips, the late-night games, and the rain-soaked practices worth it. If your kid is not having fun, then you as a parent are definitely not having fun. So what’s the point?

As parents, we want our children to be active, but we must have the wisdom to step in when necessary be it youth sports or violin lessons. We should not let them become overscheduled. We need to be sure they are having fun while building healthy relationships and habits they will carry off the field.

As of this writing, Jackson is halfway through the season. He still isn’t swinging the bat much, but he is playing and his confidence appears to be returning. I make sure before every game to tell him the coaches and the other sports parents are there to ensure he has fun while prioritizing that he doesn’t get hurt. I remind him that getting hit is a part of the game of baseball, but it doesn’t happen very often. And I tell him after every game that I am proud of him getting back out there and facing his fear. 

When I see him out there making plays, catching a fly ball or two, I remind him of all he would have missed if had let his fear keep him from playing baseball. However, I let the coaches do their jobs and coach. Sometimes hearing things, especially instructions, from an authority figure who is not your parent, gets through to a child better.

So if this turns out to be his last season of baseball at the ripe old age of 8 going on 9, I am OK with that. If he’s not having fun playing a game, then why should he? He will have plenty of time to do “not fun” things when he is an adult. 

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash.

In one of the many memorable scenes in John Hughes’ movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Ferris, his girlfriend Sloane, and best friend Cameron join a group of young children looking at the masterpieces in the Art Institute of Chicago. At one point, the very melancholy and anxious Cameron becomes captivated by Georges Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.” 

The more he stares at the painting, the more the little girl at the center of the piece seems to stare back at him. Cameron zooms in on her to the point where she soon becomes a bunch of undefined splotches of paint. Maybe, in this moment, Cameron sees himself: a muddle of paint with no real beginning or end. Maybe he isn’t sure what he is looking at. Perhaps he’s lost in his thoughts about where he is in life and what his life will become.

I think we have all had encounters like this in a museum with a particular piece. This happened to me recently when our family visited the Whitney Museum of American Art in New York City to view an amazing gallery by Henry Taylor, a black California-based artist known for portraits depicting a variety of scenes from black life using mixed media.

One piece that caught my eye was Screaming Head. It is an acrylic painting of a black man sitting on a bench. His hands are clenched behind his head but somehow he is screaming out of the top of his head. Like his brain is screaming out because his mouth cannot. Or maybe this particular man feels like crying out but doesn’t want to because social norms dictate he has to be strong and keep it bottled up inside. Maybe he doesn’t have the freedom to say what is really on his mind. It felt like it was speaking to me.

I believe men often suffer in silence when it comes to issues we face. We want to stick to the old-school machismo: men don’t cry, men don’t complain, men aren’t supposed to be anything that makes us less of a man. We aren’t often given room to just scream out when facing any number of obstacles life throws our way. Not having that release valve can often lead to tragic results.  

But I believe we need room to scream. 

Men need room to cry. 

We also need a shoulder to lean on when life seems overwhelming. 

If we can be allowed to release our frustration and anger in a constructive and healthy way, we can be better men, fathers, brothers and leaders.

But how?

It means taking time for self-care. Like going to a movie by yourself or spending a few hours on a hobby. Maybe it’s eating some takeout from your favorite fast-food restaurant in your car without having to share your fries. Or maybe, it’s asking your partner to take the kids to school so you get an extra hour of sleep.

Sometimes just posting anonymously in a Facebook group of other dads who understand your strains and stresses can become your safe space. Letting others know you feel alone helps you realize an important fact: you are not alone. Someone out there is dealing with loss, with bills, with children who don’t want to listen, and so on.   

Whatever your outlet for self-care is, it doesn’t mean abandoning your duties. It means taking a break from them for a little bit to get our heads straight. This is no different from moms giving themselves spa days or a night out with the girls.

As for me, in these last few years, I have transitioned. I’ve become less of a stay-at-home dad by taking on other roles. Being a father isn’t all that defines me anymore. I am also an author, a teacher, a husband, a friend, a son, a son-in-law, a heck of a cook and so much more. 

I am defined, but the definition of me is always changing and I truly believe the same can be said about you.­

You are defined. 

You have depth and emotion. 

You are loved.

Even if you feel like you don’t see it, know that others see it in you.

And never let yourself get to the point of feeling like an undefined muddle of paint splotches on a canvas. And like the Henry Taylor painting, don’t keep your screams bottled up because that can often lead to an explosive result.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio via Pexels.

A few weeks before our family left for a weeklong Disney World adventure, I posted a meme. It read, “Vacationing with kids is just parenting in another city.” Now, a couple of months removed from our Florida trip, I began thinking back on a few things I learned along the way. My hope is these theme park hacks might save you some money and frustration during your next family trip.

Maybe skip the rental car

Most of us are programmed to rent a car when we travel simply for convenience. We experienced multiple issues on our trip with two different rental car companies. One was literally the subject of a Seinfeld episode (holding the reservation is the most important part of a reservation!). Then there was the dead car battery four days into our vacation. And, finally, the dead key fob that resulted in us being stranded in a Disney World parking lot for three hours. 

My main takeaway from these incidents: maybe we didn’t need a rental car at all. 

We spent most days swimming at our resort or visiting with family staying at their nearby hotels. On the other days, we went from our resort to the theme parks and back. The rental was basically parked most of the day in an overpriced Disney lot for $25 to $50 a day. That’s on top of the rental car fee that included 10 different taxes and fees not to mention fluctuating gas prices and tolls. In contrast, an Uber from our hotel to the parks was $15 to 20 one way.

So for around $40 a day, we could have been hassle-free. And we would still have our neck pillows which were trapped in our dead car and then lost by the rental company.

Get the “fast pass”

If you are doing Disney or any theme park thing, just go all in. Buying the “fast pass” (or the park’s equivalent) is well worth the extra cost per ticket (the Walt Disney World Genie+ fast pass costs $15 per person). It allows you to skip waits for several rides throughout the day. We used ours to focus on the rides that usually have the longest lines. Then you can save your actual waiting for other less popular rides with shorter or more reasonable lines. 

Buy souvenirs before you get there

I have three kids, and I knew they would want souvenirs at Disney. So, we hit up a nearby Target and let them go nuts (not too nuts but enough to be happy). They got a branded water bottle from the $1 section at the very front of the store and then I let each of them pick three T-shirts (one for each park we were visiting). Buying nine T-shirts with their favorite characters on them for under $12.99 each saved us a bundle when shirts at the parks were $20 and up.

Pro theme park hacks: We also promised we would buy them their own “laser swords” on Amazon so they would be less inclined to want to build their own light saber in the Star Wars park at $150 per person. Not to mention, the more bought when you travel, the more to figure out how to bring back home.

Eat affordably

Breakfast, lunch and dinner add up quickly. One way to save is to stay at a hotel that includes a free hot breakfast. (“Hot” usually means a waffle maker and a tray of scrambled eggs versus cold cereal and fruit). For lunch, many parks let you bring food in, so we hit a supermarket for cold cuts and snacks.

If you want to splurge, save it for dinner. While we would have saved more by eating outside of Disney, having a reservation for one of the themed on-site restaurants proved a fun experience. It also offered a nice time to recharge since those restaurants tended to be less busy and crowded than the walk-up restaurants. 

If your hotel room has a kitchen, making a simple meal for one or two nights can really save you. Think pasta or hot dogs.

Pro theme park hacks: Bring a refillable water bottle! Many parks today have water fountains or refill stations. For example, concession stands at Disney World let you refill with ice and water for free. 

Remember to have fun

You’ll have spent a lot of money just getting to your destination. You’ll spend even more when you get there. But don’t get so caught up in what you have spent that you forget why you are there: to make good memories with your family.

Make sure not only that kids are having fun but also that they are not so tired by day’s end that they won’t want to ever go to another theme park. At Disney World, for example, the parks are huge, and for much of the year, Florida is hot. And, don’t forget, kids love to complain. Be ready for that and be adaptable because kids will be kids.

Pro theme park hacks: Take the opportunity to teach your kids a bit about the value of a dollar. When they ask for some overpriced trinket, see how much they still want it when you tell them to use their allowance. That’s how you raise a smart consumer.

Theme park hacks photo: © Rawpixel.com / Adobe Stock.

I recently turned 44. Getting older makes me nostalgic. It gets me thinking about my younger days when I had less of need for ibuprofen just from sleeping in the wrong position. But this year, as wonderful as my birthday was, I found myself thinking about a dad other than myself.

A dad named James Lopez.

I did not know James very well before we roomed together at the October 2021 HomeDadCon conference for at-home fathers. I knew of him from other fatherhood conferences we both attended. He was the guy who always wore a “#FatherhoodisLit” T-shirt and hat (and I mean always). He was usually surrounded by people laughing and joking around with him. But just as often as I saw the smiles, those same people would be listening intently as he spoke. Most likely, he was dropping gems regarding fatherhood.

When I was asked to speak at HomeDadCon about book publishing, I was totally surprised that they wanted me to room with James, who is also a co-organizer for the NYC Dads Group. I assumed someone of his level had his own suite, to be honest. However, after spending just a few minutes with him, all the superstar status I had applied to him faded away. I immediately knew what he was all about: being a great dad.

As important as his brand is to him, he wasn’t about selling a million T-shirts or getting lucrative endorsement deals. A father of three boys, James, I learned, was about creating awareness of the greatness of being a dad. He liked to shine a light on other dads he thought were doing a great job showcasing the awesomeness of fatherhood. He didn’t care whether you had 2 million followers or just two. If he thought you were great dad, he wanted everyone he knows to know it, too. For example, he once appeared in PBS television spot. Without even asking me, he chose my book to be the one he was reading to his son on camera. That is the kind of guy he is. 

One of the things James frequently talks about is “presence over presents.” We get too caught up in spending money for our kids to have the latest toy or video game, he believes. Instead, we should focus on spending time with them. I thought of this over Father’s Day weekend while attending my cousin’s wedding.

The best man’s speech quoted a rap lyric about how false the idea of “time is money” really is. You can make more money, yes, but you cannot make more time. The next morning, Father’s Day, about 10 of us went out for breakfast. We celebrated the wonderful wedding we had attended, the fathers in attendance at the meal, the amazing bacon we were eating; but most importantly, we celebrated being able to spend time with each other. The 8-hour roundtrip drive to North Carolina for me, with increasing gas prices added to everything else spent on the weekend, was worth the money because of the time I got to spend with relatives I don’t see as often as I should. I earn that money back, but I can’t get back time missed.

I say all this because James has had some setbacks recently. In April, he underwent successful brain surgery for a non-cancerous growth. He mostly kept it secret because he didn’t want sympathy. James was seemingly on the road to recovery, but then later that month he re-injured himself. He is back in the hospital, in a coma. His family set up GoFundMe to help with this new round of expenses.

+ Donate to help James Lopez’s family +

As I I saw the update on his health, I started to think about the great time we had at HomeDadCon. We talked about everything from basketball to sneakers to fatherhood to Wu-Tang. That time with him was more valuable than the cost of the Uber to and from the airport. Or the plane ticket. Or all the other expenses that came with that conference. 

We can’t make up for lost time. It won’t ever come back. But, but we can try to make sure the time we have is filled. We can fill it with memories and laughs and moments that make us forget about monetary cost. Even if the time we get to share is only a few minutes, it can help us understand the value family and friends truly bring to our lives. That is presence over presents.

Whether you are a dad who is doing great, doing poorly or just kind of going thru the motions, remember #FatherhoodisLit and “presence over presents.” There is no time better than right now to try to be the best dad you can be. 

Silhouette photo: ©Ivan Karpov / Adobe Stock.

The string of celebrity deaths that started this year affected me, as a parent, more than they usually do. 

The seemingly ageless Betty White, weeks from her 100^th birthday.

Less than a week later, we lost legendary and groundbreaking screen actor Sidney Poitier.

Then came beloved TV dad and standup legend Bob Saget.

I always mourn the loss of life no matter what the person’s age. However, these three in particular made me very introspective about my own mortality and life.

I only saw a handful of movies by Sidney Poitier, but I knew he was pioneer for Black actors. He paved the way for many people of color in an industry that had long regulated them to roles like servants or uneducated punch lines. Poitier did so by taking on roles where he showed himself to be smart, eloquent and as fierce as they come. The ambitious son in A Raisin in the Sun. The compassionate but no-nonsense teacher in To Sir, With Love. So many more. He will always be considered one of the greatest actors ever. 

And I can tell you, with all honesty, that being Black and having the last name Gibbs, I often re-wrote his famous quote from In The Heat of The Night to my own benefit. However, the impact of introducing myself by authoritatively saying, “THEY CALL ME, MR. GIBBS!” goes directly over the heads of elementary school children I substitute teach.

Prime time parenting lessons learned

Betty White and Bob Saget were different. I watched them weekly growing up as part of my Friday and Saturday evening TV routine with my parents. Those nights included watching many now classic feel-good family shows like Family Matters, Amen, 227, Perfect Strangers and Empty Nest. Those prime time family shows shaped my youth. Several showed strong Black families with educated and hardworking parents like mine. Seeing those people on screen, as well as IRL in my home, let me know I too could achieve that.

But those prime time memories of being on the couch watching Golden Girls and Full House remain my fondest. I remember laughing with my mom at the crazy stories of Betty White’s “Rose” told about her hometown of St. Olaf. I clearly recall the goofy-yet-knowing smile creeping across the face of Bob Saget’s loveable “Danny Tanner” as he taught his girls right from wrong. (Later in life, I gained a newfound appreciation for Saget’s acting skills. This was when he revealed himself to be closer to the raunchy Redd Foxx than squeaky clean Jim Gaffigan in his standup act and post-Full House movie appearances.)

This is all to note that we no longer live in that age. “Must See TV” night and appointment television are gone. We can binge-watch an entire season of a show in a less than a day then move onto another. And, as parents with increasing responsibilities, it easier to plop your kids alone in front of the TV so you can take a break time rather than share family time. 

But I would challenge you to do something a bit different next time your kids want to watch The Thundermans or Family Reunion or even SpongeBob SquarePants:  WATCH IT WITH THEM.

Make TV time a learning time

You may think these shows are for kids and harmless. However, every once in a while, sit down and watch in right along with them. You may roll your eyes at the predictable stories line, overacting and terrible jokes (not all the different from shows of our youth, am I right), but put them in context. Adults write these shows. Many have adult concepts and mature themes slipped in that your kids might have questions about. They may also promote bad habits that are often dismissed by well-placed laugh track.

This is not to say that these shows are sinister, but they also should not be seen as babysitters. Make more attempts to watch your kids’ shows with them and when the credits start to roll, ask questions.

What happened in the show? What themes and lessons emerged? Do they have questions about what they where watching? Did anything words or actions need explaining? While binge watching can be fun, taking time in between shows to find some tangible takeaways they can grown on can be valuable.

These can be something as simple as how to be nicer to your siblings. These could be more complex, such as how to deal with the death of a loved one. Watching Golden Girls as a child really helped me see the value in long-lasting friendships (and how amazing cheesecake can be). Amen, for example, showed me the power of faith, a trend continued in the Family Reunion on Netflix. Full House showed a single dad trying to be a great example to his kids. 

So, make that TV time with your kids impactful and active. Your kids will be better for it because you showed interest in something they like. It might be a somewhat out of your comfort zone, but you will be a better parent because you will get what make your kids laugh, what makes them cry and maybe a little bit more about makes them tick.

Prime time parenting photo: ©Prostock-studio / Adobe Stock.

It is hard for me to believe November 2021 marks my sixth year as a stay-at-home dad. My journey began when my wife and I learned were going to have twins. Well, she was going to have the twins. I would spend most of the time binge watching as many series as I could on Netflix when not attending to her every need while she adhered to the bedrest she so rightly deserved.

This was our second time readying for twins. The stress of our loss of twins at 19 weeks in 2011 made us ever vigilant to get to the finish line this time. We were better prepared to do everything necessary to see our bundles of joy, Jackson and Sophia, arrive right on time in September.

The pending arrival of twins is the main reason we even discussed me becoming a stay-at-home dad. It made sense financially since my entire salary would likely be going to a nanny or daycare. And in the end, who better to be home with my kids than me (my wife will tell you plainly the stay-at-home lifestyle is NOT for her). 

Finding a detour along lonely road

But, my first few weeks by myself with the kids, I felt very alone. I knew about “mommy groups” and often saw gatherings of mothers at the neighborhood playground. Very rarely, though, did I see any dads. 

I am a very social person by nature, and while many moms I encountered on playgrounds or at library story times were friendly, I felt my journey as a dad was very different than theirs. Not being the main breadwinner and doing many of the tasks traditionally handled by the mother made me wonder: Am I the only man out here in this role?  

So I did some Googling. A few searches and emails later led me to The National At-Home Dad Network, an amazing organization at-home fathers who support each other and offer resources to help make them the best parents and partners they can be.  And somehow, in a sea of amazing dads who outshine my accomplishments in any number of ways, I was honored enough to be selected as a panelist at this past month’s HomeDadCon, the group’s annual conference.

Seeing all these dads, from various walks of life, who came armed with a number of questions on subjects from camping to mental health to gender and beyond, my most important take away of the weekends was this: Find your tribe.

How to find your tribe

It is so important to know that no matter where you are in life, it is likely there are many others out there who are in the exact same place. Once you accept this and that many of these people have the same struggles, the next step is to find them:

• Look online. Try a random Interest search or using a social platform like Facebook, Meetup or NextDoor. It’s easier than every to find your tribe be they fellow at-home fathers, hobby enthusiasts, musicians or what have you.
• Get to know your neighbors. Sometimes help and comradery is just outside your own front door.
• Get involved. It can be at your place of worship, your local school or a youth center. Volunteering is a fulfilling way to contribute to your community and meet others with common interests and issues.

While you find your tribe, don’t concentrate on finding your own twin. Not everyone should blindly support or echo your way of thinking, your feelings and — worse — your own bad behavior. You can’t grow as a parent if your only reinforce the habits you already have, some of which may not be best to practice.

As parents, we should look to find others who can challenge our way of thinking or give us a new perspective on how raising our children. Maybe they will shine a light on where you truly excel; maybe they’ll help you find where you can improve. Taking a step out of your comfort zone will help you learn more about who you really are, where you really stand, and where you really belong.    

Photo: © william87 /  Adobe Stock.

When my wife and I arrived with our youngest for his first tee ball practice, we noticed the parents all huddled in a circle. No kids were on the baseball field. They were enjoying themselves on the nearby playground.

“We can’t practice,” the team’s coach told us. “Practice is canceled.” She was unsure when practice would be rescheduled.

That was March 18, 2020 – the day COVID-19 got real in my small New Jersey town a few minutes outside of New York City.

Being a stay-at-home dad for almost six years, I felt better prepared than most when the pandemic shut everything down soon after. However, nothing really prepared me for having three kids home all day on devices trying to do remote learning for most of the next 18 months. One of the things I had been looking forward to, starting in September 2020, was finally having a single drop-off for all three kids at the same place for a FULL day of school. Ah, to dream …

That finally came true a few weeks ago when the 2021-22 school year started with all in-person instruction. When I dropped all three kids off for elementary school at 8:15 a.m. sharp, knowing I did not have to pick them up until 3 that afternoon, my heart was overjoyed. Over six hours to myself!

But part of me felt guilty. Should I feel bad about being so elated to have the day to myself?

Those feelings of doubt were quickly overridden by a simple fact: physically being in school was where my kids needed to be. School is where you make childhood friends, some of whom you might even have for life. It is the center of your most formative years and is crucial for healthy development into a well-adjusted adult (or some version of that). And, these days, if we can keep them in the classroom safely, I am all for it.   

When you prioritize your wellness, others benefit

But I also realized that I need at least some of that time alone for myself. As parents, we try to put our kids’ well-being first, but how can we be good parents if we are not in a good place ourselves? So often, we get caught up in the daily duties of parenting and household management – from making meals to doing laundry to getting the car fixed and any number of tasks in between — that we forget about our own physical and mental health. If we are overwhelmed or stressed, we can easily pass those feelings onto our kids and family members.

We parents all need a break now and then. That doesn’t mean you should let your house get completely out of order, but the importance of prioritizing self-care — doing something for yourself and only yourself to rest, relax and rejuvenate – is vital to our ability to care for others in our lives.

For some, that means escaping to a quiet room to read a good book for a few hours. For other, it may be binge-watching a show for an afternoon or hitting the golf course or just taking a nap. We shouldn’t feel guilty about that. Sometimes that little break, that little recharge, can make all the difference in how the rest of your day will go and how you interact with your kids and partner.

So this is how I celebrated myself for surviving as those homeschooling months. As a huge Marvel fan I knew I had to see Shang Chi and the Legend of the 10 Rings in the actual movie theater as it also stars Simu Liu, one of my favorite actors from TV’s Kim’s Convenience. And, I had not seen a movie in person in FOREVER. I told my wife I wanted to catch a matinee (or How to Save Money 101). We hit on the idea of instead of me just going out on my own, we’d turn it into a family outing with my wife letting me enjoy my Marvel movie alone while she took the kids to see the new Paw Patrol flick. Win, win! Somehow, prioritizing my joy and need for a mental break by seeing a popcorn movie ended in being a memorable family day because back home after the movie we found ourselves eating hot dogs on blankets in our yard and playing Nerf wars the backyard.

I have come to realize sometimes it is OK to prioritize yourself from time to time, though never at the expense of others. Doing so might seem small or insignificant at the time, but sometimes, when you prioritize wellness through self-care, you end up prioritizing your family’s well-being without even knowing it.

Tips for better self-care
By Kevin McKeever

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to occasionally prioritize your wellness for the sake your family and loved ones. Here are some things to try:

• Do at least one thing a day just for yourself. Whether it’s carving out 30 minutes to exercise, read, call a friend or take a solo walk around the neighborhood.
• Listen to your favorite music. Turn it on when prepping meals, cleaning or anytime you have another task at hand.
• Step away from the screens. When you have a spare minute or two, take a deep breath and take in all your see, hear and smell around you rather than rapidly scrolling through Instagram.
• Get more sleep. This is a key to health in general. Aim for seven hours.

Prioritize wellness photo: © EVERST / Adobe Stock.

While working as an elementary school substitute teacher early last year, a student spilled water on the floor during snack time. Of course, neither a napkin nor a paper towel could be found in the classroom.

I called the front desk and asked if the custodian could bring a fresh supply. Minutes later, he appeared and did a bit of a double take.

“Are you the sub today?” the custodian asked politely.

I had only subbed at this school a few times before. While he sees me occasionally when I drop off my son there in the mornings, it’s likely he just did not recognize me.

“Yeah,” I said. 

What he did next truly surprised me.

He extended his arm and gave me a hearty handshake. “That’s great,” he said. “I never see a male sub. Thanks so much for being here.”

I was shocked.

I chose substitute teaching to make a positive impact on children, but I had instead affected another adult. It was one of several positive interactions I had that day, but that particular encounter made me realize the power of being present.

My years as a stay-at-home dad opened my eyes to how effective I could be at teaching. I enjoy being around kids because, by nature, I am silly. I enjoy helping them learn and laugh at the same time. So, I started substitute teaching at my twins’ day care center and my son’s elementary school. (Numerous times, I’d dress up to teach science lessons as Dr. Professor with his puppet sidekick, Captain Vernon.) But in a field filled with many wonderful, loving, caring and nurturing female teachers, I have come across very few male teachers.

Supportive presence makes for memorable moments

My subbing gave those kids the opportunity, even if only briefly, to see a man as a schoolteacher. Maybe it even gave some kids something to talk about when they went home. And, as a man of color, I try to be involved positively in the lives of my children as much as possible. I work on a daily basis to break the stereotypes often associated with Black men. My being present in the classroom gives children a chance to take a new view of teaching. Some might even see it as a future career to aspire to.

We as parents, especially fathers, unknowingly wield immense power by just being physically present. Be it in a classroom, at a dance recital or at school drop-offs — places some would say traditionally are the domain of mothers — we can alter the narrative of masculinity and parenting. 

The power our presence has on children, ours and others, and the adults who see us in these moments can change preconceived views of fathers. We are more than just breadwinners or disciplinarians or, in some situations, not present at all. While earning a steady income to support your family is valuable, being there in moments big and small, must also be applauded.

I’m not the best candidate to be a soccer coach, for example. Instead, I do my best to cheer on my son and his teammates at their games. In these moments, my son can see and feel my support. At the same time, fellow parents see the way I support him. I am also not a PTA board member, but I attend meetings when I can. I stay involved so I can be aware not only of what is going on in his school, but also and more importantly, to create a good visual for others who see me there. It could have a positive ripple effect for fatherhood long after the meeting has concluded. Our presence holds emotional value for our children, for our spouses, for ourselves and for those in our community who might be watching. And you can’t get those lost moments back.

So give your child a quiet shoulder to cry on after a disappointing baseball loss. Be the only dad sitting on an undersized chair during story time at the library. Push a cart full of groceries at the supermarket while your toddler play in the child seat. While we can’t get back moments we already missed, we can make new ones that we — and our children — won’t ever forget.

Photo: © Jacob Lund / Adobe Stock.

My 7-year-old son has been copying more of what I’m doing lately, major and minor things. He’s been wanting to learn how to cook. He’s started display his action figures the same way I do with my collection. He’s also started beating me at checkers.

I think its because he spends a lot more time than usual  with me at home because of the coronavirus pandemic along with him being at an age where he observes and analyzes a lot more of what I do. In that way, it’s a good thing. He is gaining a keen insight into the exciting world of being a stay-at-home dad.

The drama. The intrigue. The laundry.

Way back in normal times (January 2020 seems like a lifetime ago at this point), the 3:15 p.m. end of his school day only marked the beginning of his second shift. Tee ball, swim class at the Y and other activities kept him moving from one place to the next at an almost breakneck speed. Then came the weekends filled with ball games, birthday parties and any number of other events that made Saturdays and Sundays anything but restful for either of us. The pandemic slowed that all down and that has translated into a lot more IRL face time as opposed to the iPhone kind with our little ones.

As a result, many of us are seeing our kids in a new light. We are seeing what their teachers, coaches and instructors did at all those times our children were away from us. This is also true from our kids’ point of view. Since we are spending so much more time in front of our children we need stay aware that our children’s eyes are always on us.

Take what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was in the kitchen preparing lunch for my son and his younger twin siblings. As I was getting some seasoning out of the cabinet, my oldest said to me, “Can I make you lunch?”

He caught me a little off guard. He had never asked anything like that before. As I carefully weighed my response, I noticed out of the corner of my eye the Play-Doh tools he had carefully set out on the living room floor. “Sure,” I said. “That would be great.

I figured that would be the end of it. Instead, he asked, “What would you like?”

I was not really ready for a follow up. “I would like a hamburger, Caesar salad, carrot sticks, a pepperoni pizza with anchovies and molten lava cake.” Ten minutes later, I would have each of those items handmade for me by my very talented and industrious son.

All this might seem like a common occurrence: kids making “play food” for their parents to “eat.” But how often does this happen in homes where no cooking goes on? Is pretend food preparation a normal activity kids do just because they are kids or was my son mimicking what he sees me and his mother doing regularly?

They always watching, imitating

You’ve probably heard the saying. “Dance like nobody is watching.” The thing is children watch everything we do. Everything. As parents, we need to be more conscious of not only what we say, but what we do. Even the most mundane action can shape and mold how our kids see the world and how they will respond to it. A simple act like seeing me folding laundry reinforces that there are no outdated gender roles in our home. A dad can cook, a dad can clean, just like a mom can fix the car or shovel the driveway after a snowstorm.

Sometimes, in this messy hectic world of parenting, we have the most influence on our kids in the times we think they aren’t paying attention to us: Grooving to a song from our past when it comes on the radio, making a meal in the kitchen, asking your daughter hand you tools as “fix” the dishwasher. They all leave impressions about who we are and what being an adult is, even if the impression isn’t always 100 percent or true to life (hint — my daughter may think I’m a mechanical genius but that dishwasher certain doesn’t). Even the things we say around our kids has an impact. How often have you had a conversation with one of your children and they break out a phrase or wording you recognize as your own?

We may not see these imprints immediately. Growing up, my mom did 99 percent of the food preparation in our house, but she always made sure to explain to me how she was doing it because she never wanted me eating cereal for dinner or depending on anyone else (besides her, of course) for my food. Now here I am today, cooking for my family just as she did for hers.

None of us are perfect as parents, but the eyes and ears of our little ones are always absorbing all they see and hear around them. We must set the example we want them to model for their kids. Whether it’s seasoning a piece of meat or folding the laundry, even the small, most seemingly frivolous moments can all be teachable moments that go a long way toward building the character of our kids.

Set example photo: © iQoncept / Adobe Stock.

I thought 2020 had run out of curveballs to toss by the holiday season. So around Thanksgiving our family decided to tackle a home renovation project: updating our basement.

While the bad lighting, 1970s carpet and tombstone gray wall panels had served us fine for our first three years in this house, we needed a change. A contractor friend helped us with the plans and, by mid-December, the renovations were going pretty well.

One evening after the workers had left, I started making one of my favorite dinners for the family: smash burgers! Cooking them tends create a smoky house so, as that predictably happened, I turned on the hallway fan to pull some of the smoke out of the house. But as dinner preparations wrapped up, an alarm went off. Not the smoke alarm as expected, but the carbon monoxide alarm. That can also happen with smoky cooking; however, after several minutes of opening doors and windows, the CO alarm continued ringing.

My wife and I decided to call the gas company, moving dinner with the kids to out in the car until they arrived. About 10 minutes later, as we gobbled our burgers and air fryer potato wedges in our minivan, a gas rep showed up. He examined our 25-year-old boiler which we had hoped had one more winter in it, and measured the levels of CO it emitted. He then asked me what level of CO was considered safe. I told him zero. He agreed, noting that up to five parts per million (ppm) is acceptable but it still should be at zero.

Our boiler was emitting 4,000 ppm. Had the CO alarm not gone off, my family and I would not have seen the next morning.

After some failed attempts at repairs the next day, the boiler was replaced, an expense we did not foresee having to deal with.

A damp vantage point of view

A few days after the boiler incident, Christmas Eve came to our New Jersey town along with some of the strongest winds I have ever heard. The house felt like it was going to be pulled right off of its foundation. After a harrowing night of weather, the house was intact; Santa still managed to deliver, but from my point of view our backyard fence looked like an elephant had sat on it.

After a call to our insurance company, some backyard cleaning and the opening of presents, my wife decided to take care on the seemingly never-ending laundry. Near the end of the wash cycle, she headed to the garage for something and she was greeted with half an inch of water creeping across the floor. One of the pipes from the washer had dislodged. Instead of water exiting through the plumbing, it spilled out directly on to the floor and into the garage.

All this while we were still trying to finish packing for a ski trip to New Hampshire that required us leaving our seemingly cursed home for almost a week.

But were we cursed? Was it bad mojo? Would our travels end with a broken leg or a flat tire?

My mind and my wife’s raced with these kinds of thoughts as we mopped the garage and soaked up what we could with our precious supply of paper towels. We even thought about canceling our plans to go on our well-needed vacation with our good friends.

But, that “woe is me” attitude only lasted a few minutes. Our point of view changed because our minds quickly began to contemplate all the outcomes of these scenarios that could have been.

Perspective is everything

The boiler broke and was emitting CO, but our multiple alarms SAVED OUR LIVES.  Literally. We have seen it happen on the news time and time again when people don’t have alarms at all, or never change the batteries. The inconvenience of the broken boiler for a few days pales to the tragedy that could have happened.

Our fence fell down, but our home was still standing. We have insurance to help with the cost of repair. How many times have we seen tornados or fires lay waste to entire towns with families only escaping with their lives while an entire lifetime of memories are gone in a flash?

What is a minor garage flood compared to seeing entire homes underwater when riverbanks overflow in hurricanes, forcing people to their rooftops in hope of rescue from the rising water.

Now, it is OK to be upset by your circumstances. You can be angry. You can feel like your world is caving in. You’re allowed to think the elements are out to get you. Not bottling them those feelings is important because not facing those emotions can often make matters worse.

I always try to put things in perspective when it comes to my life and remember how blessed I truly am. As bad as things seem to be at any given time, sometimes the alternative could be worse. If you use the power of perspective to examine where you are in life, where you want to be and where you could be, it will greatly shape how you approach what life throws your way. And, hopefully, it will shed light on a positive way to deal with it.

Life will constantly throw curveballs your way and you won’t hit a home run every time. It’s going to be a lot of base hits and a lot strikeouts. A. LOT. But if you learn from those experience and grow, your chances of hitting it out of the park your next time at the plate might be that much easier.

Point of view photo: © patpitchaya / Adobe Stock.