At the start of Beauty and the Beast, maybe 15 minutes in, Princess Belle is dancing in a meadow. She breaks into song as one does. What I see, as a father, is not the story of a woman who falls in love with an abuser. Well, I do see that. But what I see as a suburban father (and homeowner) is a field full of weeds. Oh, I’m sure others may call them “wildflowers” or “set design.” However, to the highly trained dad brain, I call them “shit that ruins my yard.”

Princess Belle needs to lay down some weed and feed. A whole crap ton, actually. She would probably be better suited to just going down to the local gardening store and getting a sprayer and a truck delivery. Seriously, she needs to buy it in bulk.

And I’m a little miffed at the Beauty and Beast village. No father figure in town has stepped up with his weed spreader to take care of the problem. If you don’t nip it in the bud now, at the source, it’s only going to spread. Then you are going to have the HOA coming down on your ass. Who needs that?

This is what fatherhood and its consequence — dad brain — has done to my movie watching. I constantly get pulled out of the story because I can no longer ignore some things that I see. I try to, but I can’t. The movie will be going along fine until I see something, that as a suburban father, makes me cringe.

Turn out the damn lights!

Take Blade Runner, both the old and the new movie. They are both very dark movies and I don’t just mean the subject manner. Hey, I’m all down for the robot love of the future. Apparently, all this robot love takes place at night. Which means a lot of lights. But here’s the thing, even with all those lights — neon and colorful — it’s still very dark. My dad brain starts to wonder: how much electricity they are wasting?

I know that shit isn’t free in the future. Is there some Blade Runner dad going around turning off all those lights when no one needs them? And if he is, he’s probably dying inside because it’s obvious they are using the wrong wattage. That light isn’t bright enough. This means they probably aren’t using the good energy-saving LED kinds. With so many lights to change, it’s probably the cheap knockoff shit which means they burn out a lot. How often do they have to replace those bulbs? Whoever runs that city is just making more work for dad. I would totally watch a movie where utility bills don’t exist. It would be some post-apocalyptic thriller where a dad has to scrounge around for the proper wattage light bulb and eat people on occasion.

Stop messing with my property values!

Marvel superhero movies send my inner rage out of control.

When Hulk smashes into a building, what I see is property taxes going up. Oh, sure, the buildings probably have insurance. But that means they are going to have to make a claim, which means rents are going up. Don’t Millennials have enough to worry about? Rents are already out of control.

And we all know that debris is going to ruin sidewalks and that’s the real rub, where the real consumer is going to get hit. Sales tax will have to go up to repair those streets. I don’t see Captain America out there with a hard hat laying asphalt. And let’s be clear, I can’t welcome all those Millennials into the suburbs. That will make my taxes go up, with all their demands for affordable housing.

Then the Avengers will follow and — bam — my sidewalks get jacked up. What happens if they break a water line? Who’s going to pay for that shit? If it’s on my property, me, that’s who. I’m going to have to sit out in the front of my house with my water hose, spraying down aliens and Iron Man while screaming “Get. Off. My. Lawn!”  And, I’ll mean it. Suburban dads have lawyers. I’m going to sue.

Killer little plastic bricks!

Every Lego movie makes me cringe. Sure, they are clever and action-packed. However, when there’s an explosion in a Lego movie, I see a thousand tiny parts going everywhere. Those tiny little Lego bricks hurt like a son of a bitch when you step on them in the middle of the night. It’s like I have PTSD from Lego injuries. The center of my foot gets sore just thinking about it.

And they jack up the vacuum cleaner, especially those clear ones that I can’t see. That’s a half hour just to fix the vacuum cleaner. Then you’ve got a busted scene and someone has got to put it back together. Yeah, that’s going to be dad. Three hours of work just so that I can do it all over again when Batman comes screeching through.

Finally, dad brain teaches a good lesson

Seriously, watching movies is exhausting with dad brain.

Aliens came on recently, the second one, the one that’s really good. Ripley was getting ready to beat some mother queen ass.

“Little Hoss!” I screamed. “Get in here!”

“What?” she asked.

“Come here and watch this movie.”

She sat and together we enjoyed Ripley running around trying to save Newt. The little girl gets taken, the mother Queen lays some gross-looking eggs, Ripley saves the day and they escape.

Little Hoss buried her head into my shoulder, right at the good part where Ripley doesn’t know that the Queen smuggled herself on board. Little Hoss knows something is coming. She can feel the tension of the scene.

“Look, baby, you need to watch this,” I said.

“Is it scary?”

“Yeah, totally. Watch.”

Sometimes being a father means facing those fears together.

The Queen rips Bishop in half. Little Hoss screams. Ripley runs away, leaving the little girl.

“She can’t leave! She can’t leave Newt!” Little Hoss yells at the screen. “Be brave, Rip!”

And then Ripley shows up in a front-loader robot to kick some alien ass. Little Hoss cheers. I cheer, even though I have seen this movie a hundred times. The fight is on.

“Get her! Get the Queen!” Little Hoss says. She’s jumping up and down.

“See that honey!” I said to my daughter. “That, that is what I wanted you to see. When you grow up, be Ripley. That’s who you have to be!”

A dad’s brain never turns off, I don’t think it can. That doesn’t mean that it always sees the bad things, though.  Sometimes it sees the awesome and takes the opportunity to show his daughter how to jump in some heavy equipment to throw monsters out of the airlocks.

But yeah, when I see an airlock, what I think is “Close that thing, you are letting all the cool air out. Do you have any idea how high our electric bill is? Were you raised in a barn?”

A version of this first appeared on The Hossman Chronicles. Dad brain photo: © AntonioDiaz / Adobe Stock.

Warning: The following contains some minor spoilers for “Avengers: Endgame” and other films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU).

It all started with a son.

Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), who would become Iron Man, the leader of the Avengers and subsequent father figure to Spider-Man/Peter Parker (Tom Holland), was so driven by the ghost of his own father that the elder Stark’s specter cast a shadow over the entire MCU.

Tony Stark, over a series of 22 total films, was joined by others on either side of the dad divide:

• Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Loki (Tom Hiddleston), both vying for the affections of their father, Odin (Anthony Hopkins)
• Hawkeye/Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner), who protected his family like a secret identity
• Ant-Man/Scott Lang (Paul Rudd), maker of questionable decisions in an effort to spend more time with his daughter
• Wasp (Evangeline Lilly) who shared a contentious/on the cusp of tender relationship with her dad, Henry Pym (Michael Douglas)
• Black Panther/T’Challa (Chadwick Boseman), spurred into action by the murder and secrets of his father
• the collective Guardians of the Galaxy, who run the gauntlet on dad-related issues

That isn’t to say that all the fatherhood story-arcs have been negative. There have been several gems of redemption, love and sacrifice throughout the respective films, many of which have led us here, to the endgame.

My boys are 15 and 13. They have grown with the Marvel movies the way I grew with Star Wars — which certainly adds several layers of memory and nostalgia to the mix. But unlike the pop culture of my own childhood, which was only appreciated by my parents from a distance, our entire family has bonded over the Marvel films (and Star Wars, of course). My wife and I, not to mention most other parents we know, are as equally enamored with the MCU as our children. Our shared fandom has blossomed into quality family time, sparking endless hours of conversation, speculation, and in the case of the last two Avengers films, sobbing.

Ours is a generation that grew up holding on to the magic of pop culture and its effects on society, which made it inevitable that our own children wield it with equal passion.

However, I suppose it only natural that the shifting of our seasons, the aging and adulting we all go through, should provide an evolution of perspective with regard to story. Where once I may have been lost in the wow of spandex and superpowers, I am now intrigued by the connections between the characters. That is, I may love the smash and awe of an Avengers battle, but it is the look on a dusty Peter Parker’s face that puts tears on mine.

Fortunately for everyone, Avengers: Endgame has plenty of both. It is layers upon layers of carefully crafted story and relationships coming together, adapting to conflict and challenging the forces of evil. After all, we are trusting it, a decade’s investment, to create even more memories, even more conversations that we can carry forever.

It doesn’t disappoint.

On the drive home, we talked about our favorite parts. My leg was still sore from where my wife clinched it during a particularly empowered battle scene. The boys couldn’t stop talking about “America’s butt,” and my dad bod received an electrifying endorsement. But there were other moments, like how we all cried before the opening credits rolled and then the many times that followed.

We talked about family, fatherhood specifically, and the bookends of it. Fatherhood has been the fuel driving the MCU machine, whether igniting on so many fumes or making us turn this movie around. It’s been a hell of a ride, and in the end it took us exactly where we were going.

It got a great parking spot.

Scene above from “Avengers: Endgame”: Hawkeye/Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner) and daughter Lila (Sophia Russo). Photo: Film Frame/©Marvel Studios 2019

In discussing “Ant-Man and the Wasp,” I’ve gone to great lengths to avoid spoilers; however, there may be spoilers for “Avengers: Infinity War.” Additionally, this piece is written with the assumption that most readers will have an understanding of the overall Marvel Cinematic Universe storyline. And yes, I know I keep writing about bugs. It’s a summertime thing. — Whit

In 2015 the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) introduced audiences to the superhero Ant-Man (Paul Rudd) in a film by the same name, and in doing so finally laid to rest any argument (or hope) that size doesn’t matter.

It also had an awesome indie soundtrack:

Ant-Man, aka Scott Lang (also Paul Rudd), has the ability to shrink out of sight or grow bigger than the horizon, but what really sets the character apart from the majority of other heroes in the MCU is his being a dad. The relationship he shares with his young daughter Cassie (Abby Ryder Fortson) is the cause and effect of his everything.

In fact, while the relationships between heroes and their fathers have played heavily in other Marvel films, only Ant-Man and Hawkeye have had their respective fatherhood examined (although one could make a case for Rocket’s role as a father-figure to Groot Jr.). Conversely, on the villain side, Thanos has had his parenting skills put under the microscope, which, admittedly, increased his chance for Dad of the Year by about 50 percent, give or take.

Ant-Man and the Wasp

Recently, the sequel Ant-Man and the Wasp opened, and in it we bear witness to the evolution of Lang’s relationship with his daughter. No longer is he an ex-con without visitation rights, but rather a bona fide hero. He’s also under house arrest.

His house arrest was part of a deal made in the aftermath of Ant-Man’s participation in Captain America: Civil War. Apparently the U.S. government didn’t want him in that movie, or Germany, or something. Anyway, he’s spent two years confined to his home, which may seem like a terrible option to most, but for Lang it provided the perfect opportunity to spend tons of quality time with Cassie. Also, it allowed him to create the greatest cardboard fort to ever grace the silver screen.

Scott Lang gets it.

It helps that his ex-wife Maggie (Judy Greer) and her husband Paxton (Bobby Cannavale), who were once (a movie ago) less than helpful in allowing Scott and Cassie time together, are now fully and enthusiastically on board. After all, it takes a colony.

Meanwhile, the Wasp (Evangeline Lilly), aka Hope Pym (also Evangeline Lilly) and her father Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) have made great strides in their own strained relationship, which is nice. Also on the mend: the relationship between Hope and Scott.

It is that relationship that first casts a shadow of doubt for Cassie, when she begins to comprehend that despite evidence (and a couple of paragraphs) to the contrary, she is not the only one her dad cares about. Luckily, Cassie cares about other people, too, and through her empathy she is able to help her dad make a hard decision: do the right thing, regardless of consequence.

Cassie Lang gets it.

Ant-Man and the Wasp is a family film, for families and about families. The movie is full of love and comedy, action and adventure, scares and worries. It is a film about growth, and lots of it.

And, it is about fatherhood, in an ant suit.

“I am Groot,” is what I should have said, but that’s his line. Instead, I said it in my native tongue. And this time with feeling.

“You’re being a jackass.”

And he was.

Still, calling my son names in a fit of anger hadn’t been on my Sunday morning itinerary. Rather, I had planned for it to open like every Sunday does: Nina Simone playing over cups of coffee, me in an apron, and something on the griddle dangerously close to burning.

Plan B, apparently, was standing in the doorway of my sons’ shared bedroom, repeating myself in competition with electronics that they weren’t supposed to be on, and getting syllables laced in sass thrown back in my general direction.

“You’re being a jackass” was an unplanned reaction, a reflex of frustration aimed at my oldest. It hit us both sharply in the chest, just slightly left of middle.

If you have seen Avengers: Infinity War then you are familiar with Groot. He is the teenage tree creature, who appears to have an electronic device (Defender!) growing out of his hand like the beeping bud of a digital spring. And if you haven’t seen Avengers: Infinity War, then I don’t even know who you are anymore.

Anyway, Groot spends much of his time playing on his device, despite being told not to, and bouncing shade and sass off every forehead that faces him. The similarities between Groot’s behavior and that of my eldest son were not lost on anyone in our family, even — and perhaps to his credit — him. And still, as soon as his phone is ordered back in his pocket it is out again, seemingly involuntary, all apps set to attitude.

The thing about Groot is that everything he says, assuming he can bother to look up from his game, sounds like “I am Groot” to those that don’t speak his language (some school districts offer it as an elective, just not on Earth). We, the audience (consisting mainly of Earthlings), have to rely on the reactions of other characters in the film to know what was said. Tone and translation are universal tools.

The only real difference between my teenage son and Groot is my kid wears pants, at least when he leaves the house. The similarities, however, are many. For instance, they are each pubescent saplings, armed in body spray and eye rolls.

Fortunately, like seasons to foliage, it is only a phase. Just as Groot finds the right moments to set down his device and rise to the occasion, so too does my son surprise me with random acts of kindness and responsibility, his deep empathy and doing the right thing, unconnected.

It is a phase we must get through together. My fighting apathy with anger is not the solution.

Breakfast was served in smoke and silence, save Nina Simone softly singing.

“I am Groot,” I said in tones of honest sincerity, meaning every bit of it.

“I am sorry,” was all he heard.

Members of the NYC Dads Group recently left New York City entirely … to travel to the Marvel Universe Live. And what a tremendously fun trip it was.

Marvel Universe Live, coming Feb. 22-25 to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn and nearby locations in March, is a show about Marvel superheroes such as The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America — only one of the hottest and most well-known comic book properties ever. Our evening included a behind-the-scenes look at the show. We met the performers, learned how they did their amazing moves, and participated in all kinds of awesome activities. What’s more, our dads and their children were given a chance to fight alongside their favorite heroes.

A selfie station with props, including Iron Man’s gauntlets, Thor’s mighty hammer and Star Lord’s mask, proved popular with all. You also could get an up close and personal look ar Dr. Strange’s Cloak of Levitation and many other costumes from the show, or learn how to manipulate a flaming globe on a rope, and more.

The performers were friendly and approachable, and helped the children learn various fight moves. One by one, every boy and girl got to strut their stuff in hand-to-hand combat, and even learned how to duel with swords!

Kids would see that they could be superheroes too, and finally know what it’s like to toss around the bad guys, and save the day with heroic feats of derring-do, no matter how small they might be.

They even put on a parkour display, flipping and tumbling over objects like superheroes do. Parkour, or “free running,” if you haven’t seen it, is an amazing way to move your body, and this writer has long wondered why superhero films don’t hire parkour professionals to portray Spider-Man, Daredevil or Captain America as they leap and tumble on the rooftops of New York City, or as they battle their way across an alien landscape.

Full disclosure: This writer tried his hand in the acting field a long time ago, and a lot of the reason I wanted to be an actor was for the action sequences, fighting the bad guys, running and jumping through dangerous environments, and so on and so on. I was certified in Stage Combat, and did minor stunt work, too. I figured I’d see nothing here that I couldn’t do.

Welp. I’ve been wrong before, and I’ll be wrong again, so it wasn’t a surprise I was wrong about this. These performers were miles beyond anything I’d ever been capable of.

Nik Nieves, the show’s fight captain, told me that he holds several degrees and certifications in martial arts, just to start. He is also required, as many of the actors are, to play the roles of many characters in the show. He could be Dr. Strange one night, and Iron Man the next, he said, so he and every performer had to learn the choreography for pretty much all the characters to be ready for what came next.

As for the performers’ training regimen, to say it’s superheroic would be an understatement. We regular mortals would not be able to keep up, although it’s assured to make you lose your dad bod.

To put the show together and running smoothly, James Hadley, director of Marvel Universe Live, assembled an “Action Team” featuring a fight director, a stunt director. and an aerial choreographer.

“We worked closely with Marvel to make sure that characters who had only recently debuted in the films and shows, or had movies coming up, were featured in the show, so Black Panther has a big part, Iron Fist appears, and The Wasp shows up as well,” he said. “The other exciting thing is that we’ve put together both The Avengers and the Guardians of the Galaxy … We use the voices from the cartoon shows, so the characters all sound very familiar to the fans, kids and adults alike.”

Marvel Universe Live is more than just a “fight show,” said Hadley, who used his background with Cirque de Soleil to incorporate plenty of aerial work and acrobatics into the performance.

“I was looking for specialists who could do aerial work, stunt work, martial artists, and then we needed to cross train them, because an aerialist might not be trained in martial arts, so we took them to our Marvel Boot Camp in Florida where they learned different types of fighting, stunt work, and even fire manipulation, and they came out with all of these different skills,” he said.

Marvel Universe Live plays Feb. 22-25 at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn with tickets starting at $30, a train ride away in Bridgeport, Conn., on March 1-4, and at Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, N.Y., on March 22-April 1. The show runs about an hour and 45 minutes with an intermission in between for when the kids start getting itchy, which is ideal for most parents. You can click HERE for tickets.

One more full disclosure – it’s no secret to anyone that my son and I are giant superhero fans, but it should be clear that Marvel Universe Live is for everyone, not just superhero aficionados. So if you’re looking for a fun and exciting show to take the family to, look no further than Marvel Universe Live.

The Dads in the Chicago Dads Group love taking in a good movie, a large portion of our Dad’s Night Out meetups are held at Chicago-area movie theaters.  This week a bunch of our Dads had the opportunity to see the heavily anticipated Thor: Ragnarok.  If their reactions are any signal this is one you won’t want to miss.

Here’s what our guys had to say:

David C. – This is a fun-filled action roller coaster with monsters dragons beasts heroes and villains.  I loved the setting of a planet that reveres The Hulk like no one else could and Chris Hemsworth was channeling his inner Starlord with his witty use of comedy.  The music was like another actor in the film, making you feel like the action is running through you nor just in front of you.  This film rivals all the other Marvel films as the most re-watchable one in the franchise.

John L. – Great movie! I thoroughly enjoyed it From the CGI enhanced action scenes to the ample humor applied throughout, making the movie that much more lighthearted and enjoyable.

Stone A.- It was an enjoyable movie and a fun night.  With my heritage, I’ve always been interested Nordic mythology and thought the interpretation was creative and well done. The actors were great and the action was a lot of fun to watch on the IMAX screen.  The dialogue was witty and the end was unpredictable which I liked!

We are always doing outings like this it is a great way to get involved with other Dads just like you.  If you would like to join us join our group here (it is free).

We’d also love to know what you thought about the movie leave your review in the comments below!

Wondering whether bringing kids to comic con is a good idea? Of course, it is!

I took my children to their first “comic con” event when they were 4 and 2. I knew they wouldn’t remember much, but I certainly wanted them to have fun. Here are some tips you will find helpful, especially if you have little children, that I learned about during that first one (and note: the same basic tips can be carried over to a baseball card show or any other fan conference you take kids to):

Research comic con in advance

Before bringing kids to comic con, look up the schedule and vendor list. Just a little bit of homework in advance or your trip will make it more fun and productive, regardless of why you’re going. Find out who is attending so that you know if there is anyone that you want to sign something. Had I known artist Neal Adams was signing I would’ve brought more Batman comics. There were also lots of cool companies including some folks from Action Lab Comics who let us into some great new kid’s releases coming out.

Pay attention

If you’re bringing kids to comic con, pay particular attention to the vendors and surroundings for two key reasons.

• The horror genre. Some of those masks, books or cosplayers might be too scary or sexy for children.  Just look a couple of booths ahead at all times and avoid the ones that might scare the kids. Also, be sure to talk to them before going that all of this is pretend. If you’re in doubt about how your child will perceive anyone in costume then you might want to wait a year to take your child.
• Some of those items are valuable. Be it a baseball card, comic book, figurine or toy: that item could be worth hundreds of dollars. Our kids reached toward a couple of expensive comics in their grasp and touched them. I stopped them, but just as the vendor politely said not to touch anything.   Push did not come to shove, but I suspect that those vendors have a you break it you bought it policy.

To cosplay or not to cosplay

Cosplay, of course! Having your children wear their favorite jersey or a superhero costume to a comic con event makes for awesome photos and lets the others know that they’re here to play and have fun.

Even if they don’t opt to wear a costume, the folks who are in costume are more than willing to stop for photos.

Bring your kids to comic con … and your wallet

I knew there would be thousands upon thousands of comics for sale. What was surprising: many graphic novels for sale at 25 percent off their retail. A big thick Hulk or Thor graphic novel was only $5. Figure that each one has four to six normal comic stories and that is one heck of a deal.

A version of ‘Bringing Kids to Comic Con’ first appeared on Daddy Mojo.

Over the summer, two parents I respect told me they took their 6-year-old children to see the Avengers Movie – Age of Ultron. I was a little surprised as I’ve made ALL of the Marvel movies off limits for my 6-year-old, much to his dismay. He is a big Marvel/Avengers fan from Disney Infinity, and has seen a bunch of the old Spider-Man cartoons where some Avengers make an appearance.

I’m a Marvel fan as well (long time reader, nearly 2000 comic books still collected) and while I’m excited to see his interest, and want to share it with him, I’m also concerned. The clips I’ve seen don’t seem to show a movie age appropriate for him.

My source for answers on all these movie age appropriate disputes, Common Sense Media, says Age of Ultron is for teens age 13+ (although the user contributed reviews say 11 — and in a rare sense of solidarity, both kids and parents agree on the age.)

Here’s what they say:

The biggest issue, of course, is the explosive, comic book-style violence, which includes nonstop destruction, fighting, weapons, flipping cars, imploding buildings, citywide devastation, and massive civilian casualties implied. There’s also one sad death, as well as some kissing/ flirting/ innuendo/ cleavage, swearing (“s–t,” “son of a bitch,” etc.), and celebratory drinking.

So what gives? Why would a normally reasonable parent let their younger kid see something that’s not really inappropriate?

I have a few theories about this:

OLDER SIBLINGS

In both cases, the younger kid had an older sibling who would be within striking distance of the age range. It’s hard to limit a younger kid, especially when the older kid should be able to see something, and logistically, it would be difficult or patently unfair to separate the two kids. Letting your kid see a potentially bad movie could seem the lesser of two evils than paying $50 for a babysitter so you can take the older kid by himself.

PARENTS AS FANS

When a parent is a fan, you want to share the thing you love with your kids, even if it might not be 100 percent appropriate. Seeing the movie with your child might seem to ameliorate the problem, and the fact that the parent will be there to answer any questions/soothe any fears might also make it seem okay.

OVER-THE-HEAD SYNDROME

I think that parents might think that the bad stuff will go over the head of their younger child. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t.

MY KID IS VERY MATURE

Parents could think their kid could handle it.

We’re not perfect, but like any good superhero, we need to choose our battles. We’ve use most of these rationalizations in the past (using older cousins instead of older siblings.)

While Avengers are out for us (much to my son’s dismay), we let him play Terraria, which Common Sense Media says is also for 10-year-olds. (While there is some violence, I think that the category of building games is generally a safe one for kids, especially if you can’t interact with unknown people.)We’re also reading the Harry Potter books, although he’s not allowed to watch the movies.  Not yet, anyway. Ultimately, I feel its the parents choice, and it’s a judgement call.

Parents are some of the biggest, most resilient superheroes around. Think about it, moms and dads, you have a mission – you are sworn to protect and develop your children and yet there are forces out there attempting to thwart your endeavors.

So consider this your dossier on some of the biggest archenemies in the fight against parenthood. Beware — they can get ugly, but be strong, parents. Be strong.

Pets

Pets are deceiving. They are loving and furry and all that jazz, but beware these machines of destruction can do more than pee on the carpet. Some are so destructive that they are known to chew toys, gobble food off of tables, and even leave hair on beloved blankets. Not all of these animals are evil, but don’t underestimate their abilities.

The Public Potty

It is indeed a necessary evil. Given the opportunity, it can be transformed into a cornucopia of pure evil. Toilet paper is innocent, but small idle hands can find joy in ripping it into small pieces, or attempting to flush an entire roll down the urinary water slide. Also be warned the dangers that can occur when the seat has been left up. Entire children have been known to disappear momentarily in The Bowl of Terror only to reemerge drenched in a filth that not even a hundred showers can remedy. Also, be aware of visiting public potties at large venues; while hand dryers are green and help to reduce litter and germs, their high-pitched screams send many children wet handed into the warm embrace of a parent.

Face painting

Any parent who has visited an event where face painting is offered knows the inherent danger of this colorful frivolity. Yes, kids love it. Yes, it looks great. However, the line it causes often grinds your experience to a halt. Parents and children must both exhibit extreme patience – especially when your child’s beloved design isn’t available. Be forewarned: On hot days these temporary expressions of personality may melt or get wiped away with sweat. This causes tears. Children have also been known to attempt to avoid bathing because of these facial adornments. Approach with caution.

The Claw

Whomever invented this device is well trained in the art of torture. Beware these Prisons of Prizes are composed simply of disappointment. They are, at best, a mirage. The worst thing you could ever do is play one of these games … and actually win. They are not only a pit of prizes, but a detention home to your dollars. You will spend at least 400 times the value of ANYTHING you could hope to free from these vaults. Yes, it looks easy, but it is the most basic of all deceptions. When you see The Claw, run. But be sure to take your offspring with you because once they see it, they will go into a trance that you can’t break for less than $10.

Commercials

They will become the bane of your existence. When your children are small, they can be entertained with images of things that don’t belong to them. However, once they are able to voice their appreciation and undying want of a thing, commercials may become your most ardent enemy. They promise happiness (but no batteries – those aren’t included) and satisfaction, but they are merely the stepping stone to more clutter and unfulfillment in your home. If you let the commercials play, your floor will become filled with trophies that pay tribute as testaments to your inability to say “no.” Commercials may be the biggest threat to your children, home, and pocketbook.

Batteries

Batteries are traitors. They offer power and give life to various toys, electronics and (most importantly) remotes. Batteries are treacherous because they go unseen and unheard, and, therefore, often forgotten – until they don’t work. They offer a false sense of security – the lie of everlasting life. They make you believe that every time you flip that switch, or hit that button, your toy, device, TV will come to life and be at your beck and call. Be warned: batteries have no master. When they have had enough they will quit with no warning, leaving you in the presence of a sobbing child who repeatedly presses a button (the child version of toy CPR) believing their toy will come back to life. Always keep backups of these traitors on hand, and if you have the capacity, try to fill their ranks with rechargeable batteries. This can help prevent emergency runs at 2 am for that “monster” flashlight that helps your child sleep.

The Ice Cream Man

He needs no introduction and his reputation precedes him like the harmonic tunes that fill the neighborhood before his truck arrives. Use caution. The ICM is powerful. This Pied Piper of Pint-size Pleasure is no rookie. He has haunted our parents, their parents, and the grown people that proceeded them. If he had been around, ice cream may have supplanted the apple as the symbol of temptation. When Mr. Softee comes to town, your best bet is to use ear plugs and to lock your doors, but chances are it will be to late once you hear the first note.

A version of this first appeared on Tales From the Poopdeck.