I hate giving my kid a bath.

To start with, baths are nasty.

Women may find them relaxing, but the things that make a bath relaxing – i.e. candles; bubbles; not having a penis floating limply in front of you – are not typically things men enjoy. For us, there are no candles or bubbles; it’s just you in a shallow, lukewarm pool of filth staring at your slowly shrinking penis.

Which is why I take showers.

Unfortunately for my 2-year-old son, showering is not an option. Aside from the fact that most toddlers would slip and fall while wearing cleats on a football field, standing one barefoot on a slick surface as water bombards his face is not the ideal way to get these kids clean. So instead you fill the tub a little bit, set him down amidst a smorgasbord of distractions like toy boats and plastic sharks and styrofoamy things that stick to the wall, and watch as the only thing he actually wants to play with is an empty cup he can use to throw water all over the floor/all over you while you kneel beside him, knees on the painful tile, and attempt to trick him into looking up at the ceiling so the soap and water don’t get in his eyes.

I’ve heard rumors about babies being washed in the kitchen sink, which, sure. The keyword being “babies.” My kid is 2, and what was once the soft, innocent, porcelain skin of a newborn is now the rancid, reeking epidermis of a slowly developing biped with dried shit caked on his buttocks. So yeah, I’ll be keeping the beast away from my food-preparation area.

Regardless, I like to think I clean the kid pretty well. After two years of diaper changing I’m no longer bothered by the presence of his feces so while he can get himself pretty dirty, poop is about the filth-ceiling. Plus, since I’ve yet to encounter a BM in the bathtub, I remain totally nonplussed by that side of things. It’s the other side of things that plusses me.

Dude, it’s just a bath

Obviously this is my kid we’re talking about. Nothing inappropriate about a father giving his son a bath. There are no Tarzan outfits or cameos from Gordon Jump. But cleaning someone else’s privates is not an easy thing to get used to, especially a child’s. I’m uncomfortable even writing about this. It reminds me of that scene from Big Daddy, wherein Adam Sandler steals an idiot child and proceeds to destroy any hope for said child’s development. At one point Sandler is giving the kid a bath but makes sure he wears a bathing suit because “[He doesn’t] know the rules.” That’s how I feel.

Somehow I manage to soldier through my son’s bath time, because god forbid he becomes the neighborhood Pig Pen. He doesn’t mind taking a one, which means I’m usually able to get the job done with little fuss. I wash his hair, I clean between his folds and his fingers and toes, and behind his ears; it’s all very routine. Then I splash water in and around my son’s crotch without looking or touching, just to cover all the bases, before getting him out and wrapping him up in his monkey towel, which is when it all pays off.

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried. Bath time photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

DISCLOSURE: This post is sponsored by Clorox®.

Imagination knows no bounds. You give a kid a box, and the possibilities are endless. You give a child a toy, and you’ve just put their imagination in high definition (HD).

During the summer, that HD imagination usually involves some outdoor terrain. Tree branches become forests. Mud becomes molten lava. And dirt becomes, well, it’s usually just dirt, but dirt by itself is fun for most children.

And there is your summer dilemma: Who are you, as a parent, to say “no” to the inclusion of natural elements in your child’s story? I know my parents didn’t, and I’m thankful.

As a younger sibling, I traveled to many of my older sister’s softball games when I was little. You know what kept me occupied during those long hours? Just a few toys, a pile of dirt and my imagination. I would find the biggest mounds to climb and suddenly the stories in my head would race into reality. I buried action figures, poured water to make swimming pools, then poured pop to make lakes of acid rain, and even built fortresses out of mud. My playtime was filthy.

As a parent, I encourage my kids to do the same kind of imaginative play to keep boredom away. In fact, it’s been rumored I occasionally get in on the mess myself. I mean, someone has to show them an adventure with dinosaurs cannot be the same without the mud lava. And how can they know just how heroic their heroes are if they don’t allow them to be buried alive in the sand? After all, did a story really happen or a child really play if his or her toys aren’t inundated with all the dirt, grime and – well, icky-ness — of the outdoors?

I think not.

Imagination is not real but germs are

Imagination, combined with the great outdoors, is a dirty sport, and our children’s toys often bear the brunt of that creativity. Playthings require a cleaning afterward because germs, like villains, should never get away clean – they should just get away when you clean. And for our disinfecting and cleaning, we use Clorox® Regular-Bleach₂ with CLOROMAX®.

Want to see how it’s done? Check out this video about how Clorox can keep those hard, nonporous toys clean, germ-free and ready for repeat performances:

To review, it’s as easy as this to clean and disinfect toys:

Start by wiping excessive gunk off the item with a wet sponge. Then, pour 1/2 cup of Clorox^® Regular Bleach₂ with CLOROMAX^® into one gallon of water. Once you have your bleach solution, thoroughly wet the toy’s surface with solution or let it soak in the solution. Then, allow the item to stay in contact with the solution for five minutes. After the soak, rinse with clean water and let air dry. Then let the imaginative play begin … again!

Other great outdoor cleaning, disinfecting tips

And don’t forget outdoor play equipment, like plastic jungle gyms and slides, too! To remove heavy stains and soiling, like bird poop, from these items, try Clorox^® Clean-Up^® Cleaner + Bleach: Just hold the bottle about four to six inches from the mess, spray until thoroughly wet, let stand for 30 seconds and rinse or wipe clean. Poof – clean and disinfected!

Even a child’s wading pool (or is this your kid’s roaring ocean?) could use a dose of Clorox clean – just add 5 teaspoons of Clorox® Regular-Bleach₂ with CLOROMAX® per 100 gallons of water to help sanitize before the splashing starts. Remember, empty the pools daily and then refill and repeat your chlorination.

While some of this might seem only to be appeasing our parental paranoia about germs, the bigger part of the equation is this: clean toys and play equipment invites more play. It opens the door to future creativity. Maybe the toy encounters the same challenge, or maybe, just maybe, the story shifts and a new setting is selected — this time to a muddy swamp instead of a dusty desert. Either way, Clorox’s cleaning power and disinfecting ease has you covered.

Whatever the case may be, know that you can watch endless episodes of these shows without the worry that their stories will be canceled because of icky, germy toys. What comes next is everything.

DISCLOSURE: This post is sponsored by Clorox®.

Summer gets a lot of press. It’s full of sunshine and backyard shenanigans, days at the beach and family vacations. There are more songs written about summer than all the other seasons combined (give or take). Summer is doing OK for itself, I’d say or — better yet —  write.

However, when you live in Southern California, which I do, summer is often times more of a lifestyle than a specific stretch of calendar. For example, according to the internet, people in some regions of the country actually store their patio furniture for the winter (it’s true!), whereas our tables and chairs stay outdoors year round. That isn’t to say that we use them during those months, but they’re there. We can see them through the window, a steady invitation slowly covered by twigs, cobwebs and the assorted winter visitors who drop by.

The visitors are bird and they often drop by with their droppings. Yuck.

It turns out, the longer we stay away from the patio furniture the more inviting it becomes to our fine, feathered friends, not to mention lizards, squirrels and all the creepy-crawlies of the rainbow.

I like to think, generally speaking, that I run a tidy patio, weather permitting. But weather is a funny thing here and it wasn’t that long ago that we had a sudden weekend of sweltering heat interrupt our regularly scheduled sweater session (during which time the patio furniture was still being rented out as roost along popular migratory lines). It was also the weekend that we had house guests, the kind of people that don’t see the sun for months at a time in their respective homelands of the Pacific Northwest, and, as such, they saw a sliver of golden warmth and longed to bask in it. Their kids were in our backyard before mine were even awake.

I admit, I was embarrassed. I hadn’t really given the patio a lot of thought, what with the sightseeing and the season, but there it was, mocking me. Also, a kid’s elbow was dangerously close to fowl territory. I quickly assembled the group for a spontaneous hiking trip, and checked the weather to make sure there wouldn’t be any future surprises. It was cold again the next morning, and the furniture moved down several spots on the to-do list. All the spots, if I’m being honest.

Clean patio furniture with Clorox power, ease

So when that time of the year when I more or less ignore the patio furniture fades and cleaning becomes a part of my custodial chores, I reach for Clorox® Regular-Bleach₂ with CLOROMAX®. Also, a hose.

Check out this video on how to clean patio furniture with Clorox confidence:

In a nutshell (but never on a nutshell), here’s the secret formula:

• Just mix 1/2 cup of Clorox® Regular Bleach₂ with CLOROMAX® in 1 gallon of water.
• Thoroughly wet the surface with the solution. Allow it to remain on the surface for five minutes to kill all those nasty germs.
• Rinse with clean water and air dry. That simple.
• Finally, sit on the now-clean surface and yell inside for someone to bring you a beverage, repeat as needed.

Some might complain about having to clean an extra space, but sitting outside on a weekend morning, listening to nature hum, buzz and tweet around me while drinking coffee, reading the paper or watching the kids chase the dog around — that’s worth any bit of elbow grease (which, thanks to the power and ease of Clorox, isn’t much).

However.

HOWEVER.

If one was searching for a downside to this tranquil life outside, it would be that a nice clean patio lends itself to friends hanging out (that’s not the downside), and those friends, eventually will have to go inside to use the facilities (see Step 4 above). When you have two boys, that inside stinks. It stinks really bad.

Luckily, Clorox works there, too. In the video below you’ll find a great way to keep the stink-bowl clean, but for the counters, doorknobs and other areas they might touch on the way to and fro, I prefer to keep Clorox® Clean-Up® Cleaner + Bleach on hand. It’s the fastest, easiest way to keep surfaces as clean humanly possible (although I’m not sure the stench of said bathroom could be quantified as human). Seriously, what’s the deal, guys?

Just watch this how-to video for creating a sparkling clean toilet bowl:

When I think of summer I image blue, sunny skies and clean, crisp scents. I think of bare feet in the grass and smiles on the faces of my children. And then we sit a spell and let the days get away from us. Our now clean patio furniture shines with anticipation, and down the hall our bathroom is spotless, at least for the moment.

If your situation is anything like mine, soon your kids will be home from school for Christmas break. That means days of being home all day with three children who are overly excited, trapped indoors because of freezing cold temperatures, constantly needing a snack, and — even when they are having fun playing together — they still sound like they are fighting.

You might be wondering how I will survive this ordeal and, if you’re in this situation, how you will do the same. This year, I came up with a five-part plan to survive Christmas break. Feel free to use, modify, share or ignore.

1. Do as much as possible before Christmas break starts

Since I’ve ordered most of their gifts already, I plan to wrap all presents this week. This way, when the kids are home for Christmas break I won’t have to lock myself in my bedroom to wrap presents. This allows me the option of locking myself in my bedroom simply to get away from my kids.

This week I’m also hoping to meal plan and grocery shop for many, if not all, of the break meals. It’s been some time since I’ve had to take all three kids to the grocery store, and I’d like to keep that streak alive if possible.

2.  Use Santa and Elf on the Shelf to your advantage

“Kids, if you’re borderline between being on the Naughty List vs. being on the Nice List, cleaning your rooms may just tip the scales in your favor.”

3. Speaking of cleaning, get rid of old toys

I’ll probably tell my kids matter-of-factly that we don’t have any room left in our house for new toys UNLESS we get rid of some of our old ones. This could also be used as an opportunity for kids to learn a lesson about charities that accept gently used toys. The alphabet learning set with only 14 letters, though, just needs to go in the trash.

4. Multiple trips to the public library over winter vacation

• It’s warm.
• It will get us out of the house.
• They have daily activities for kids.
• It’s free.

Do you really need any more reasons?

5. Misery loves company during Christmas break

Invite one of your friends over who is home with his or her kids, too. If your kids are like mine, after a few days of just being around each other, they will jump at the opportunity to have a different person in the house to play and pick fights with.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Wish me luck. And best of luck to you as well this Christmas break.

A version of this first appeared on Indy’s Child.

Nothing screams “we have way too much stuff in our house” like preparing to move to a new place. It’s a wakeup call to declutter and get organized.

When my wife and I moved to New York City from Florida, we downsized from a large two-bedroom apartment to a studio. You want to get an idea for how to live with less? Try squeezing your entire life into a tiny 500-square-foot Manhattan apartment.

Then we had a kid. And the junk piled up once more.

Random toys and crap. Boxes of diapers and wipes. Baby toys. Pictures books. Strollers. Cribs. Baby clothes. Baby blankets. All of it squeezed into our one-bedroom New York City apartment.

It’s important to find the right balance between stuff and your own sanity in order to survive. Simply put,  we end up being prisoners of our stuff and it takes control of our lives. Here’s how to start your declutter:

Take inventory

Go through everything and set up a traffic light system: Green items can stay, red items are junk and can go, yellow items you may want to revisit once you’re done going through everything in case you discover there’s a reason for keeping it or junking it.

For a challenge, just stick to green vs. red. And don’t trick yourself into thinking that you need everything. Once we start learning to live with a little less, we actually start to realize how much stuff we already have.

Again, the key is to start small so as not to overwhelm. But once you get into a rhythm, it all starts flowing. Go through the kids’ closets and dresser drawers and under the beds. Find the kitchen appliances you aren’t using and determine if you’ll ever actually use them.

Start small to build a declutter habit

When we first start exercising, our muscles need to adapt. We likely feel the delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS) kick in a few days after that first session. If that DOMS is so bad we don’t have the ability to get back in the gym again for another week, chances are, the good habit of a consistent workout will have already been broken. That’s the case here, too.

Dedicate a few minutes over a weekend to start getting the feel of the declutter process. Start with the stack of papers that has been sitting on your desk for far too long, for example. Don’t overwhelm yourself so much that you won’t want to return the next day to continue the adventure.

Five minutes certainly won’t be enough to clear the entire household. But it’s a start. Celebrate that. Then get back at it again tomorrow with another five minutes. And then the next day. And the next.

Toy with your emotions

Kids have way too much crap. Buy a bin or two, fill both up with the best and most used toys and then dump the rest. Give those old toys to charity for a double win that declutters and teaches a valuable lesson to kids about giving back.

Want to gift your kid with something? Not a problem, just encourage your child to first give up a toy or two to make room.

Buy less stuff

Curb the desire to constantly bring in new material items into the home and try to find that appreciation for what you already have.

Of course, if you’re still wearing some nasty ass underwear that’s got a ton of holes in it and some questionable track mark stains, it’s definitely time to make a purchase. Or if you’re toaster burns bagels to the point where the fire department is on speed dial, by all means, buy a new toaster.

Just try to learn to live life with a little less.

Clothes it out

If a piece of clothing is collecting dust, it’s time to get rid of it. Here’s a challenge: open up the drawer or closet right now and find 10 items that you can give away. Practice doing this every quarter or every six months at minimum to open up a vast new world of space and comfort.

The key is not to run to the store to replace those clothes once you’ve cleared the space.

Wash the dishes

Letting items pile up in the sink leads to massive clutter that spills over into other areas. Suddenly it’s OK to leave a few papers on the kitchen counter because you’ll straighten it up when you wash the dishes. Then, papers end up on the dining room table, and the family is eating on the couch.

Don’t let that happen. Washing dishes as you go. It takes less than a minute to scrub a bowl and a spoon and put it away. Don’t be lazy.

Leave room

There’s a reason why we sometimes shy away from putting up our coats or clothes in their respective spaces. Our homes are so slammed with objects that it’s a hassle to put everything away!

When you declutter the house, be sure to leave some extra room to make things a little more manageable for re-entry.

Encourage decluttering habits

Our family puts away all toys before eating any meals and at the end of the night. We should be eating dinner as a family in a comfortable, junk-free setting and not needing to remove a G.I. Joe from dad’s butt.

Designated a time each day for clothes and toys to be put away. Then take an extra step to add in a 30-minute cleaning ritual every weekend that teaches the entire family the importance of chipping in to keep the living space clean.

Declutter your home regularly

From new toys to seasonal clothing to school paperwork, families collect a bunch of crap. It’s important to stay on top of this with regular check-ins. Schedule a monthly purge of old junk and declutter the house to ensure you don’t ever fall behind and end up right back at square one.

It’ll open up a whole new world of space, mental clarity and perhaps provide some additional calming sanity to your life.

A version of this first appeared on Daddy Mind Tricks.

You could always buy a Valentine card at the drugstore for your spouse, but that’s so impersonal.

I am a stay-at-home dad of two young boys. My wife is a flight attendant and leaves me on my own with our boys for days at a time while she travels the friendly skies. My boys and I greatly appreciate the sacrifice she makes every time she goes to work, so that we can have a parent at home with our children.

This Valentine’s Day, my wife will be working in the morning, but will be able to make it home for a special dinner with me. I want to do something special for my Valentine and do something to make the day go a little quicker until she arrived back home. Since my wife loves two things — humor and cleanliness — along with me and the kids, I decided to combine those two favorites into this special digital Valentine in hopes of enticing her into a frenzy before she arrives home.

A version of this first appeared on Just a Dad 247. 

My son’s room is a perpetual mess. Hey, he’s 7, I don’t blame him. My office is a mess, too. And I’m 7.29 times older than he is!

But last week, when I could no longer find the covers on his bed because of the layers of stuff strewn across it, I felt enough was enough. (My office is almost at that point, but not quite.) I resolved that we had to clean it up.

So we spent his pre-bedtime activities (usually spent reading) by clearing his bed, putting toys away, throwing away broken toys, shoving Legos into boxes. We are in frenzied activity mode .. well, I was. I was pulling everything off of the bed, trying to put it in piles, threatening to throw stuff away. My son, however, seemed perfectly content to move one book at a time and then lovingly place each book with tender care into its proper place.

During this time, I found a bunch of what I thought were failed attempts at paper airplanes. Crumpled up and half folded pieces of white paper, very few with writing on them, that have been lying on the bed for weeks. I repeatedly ask, “Are these trash?” To which my son doesn’t respond. “I assume that means yes,” I said, mostly for my own benefit, then I threw them in the trash.

Amazingly, we manage to do everything we need to do, clearing off the bed and making it mostly presentable about five minutes before bedtime. About three hours later, as I am going to bed, I feel a sense of accomplishment, and a small self-loathing for not having had him do five minutes every day before he goes to bed.

The next morning, my son gets up in plenty of time for school and starts getting dressed. Suddenly I hear a wailing.

He comes into the kitchen, actual tears in his eyes and a couple of crumpled pieces of paper in his hand, saying, “You threw away my airplanes. You threw away Frogger!”

I tried to explain, but he would not listen. He’s wailing and crying, and saying, “I need Mom. You are the worst dad ever!” I gather him in my arms to comfort him and he starts kicking me. I told him that we could rebuild them. He said, “I’ll NEVER BE ABLE TO RECREATE THEM! WAAAHHHH!”

Apparently within all those crumpled pieces of paper were some experimental airplanes that he had worked on weeks before, and my tossing them away clearly was a capital offense.

I managed to calm him down, and get him to school, just barely. By the end of the day, there was still some residual anger, and by the next day he was back to his normal loving self.

I completely understand his anger, but at the same time I see it as completely irrational. I told him I didn’t mind him getting crazy upset about something important. But these are not important. (If I had been the worst father in the world, I probably would have destroyed the rest of his airplanes. But I resisted that urge. I am not a monster.)

I’m upset that he kicked me, which should never be the right response to anything, irrational or not.

But I forgive him. As I said up in the first paragraph, he’s 7. I don’t blame him.

A version of this “worst dad ever” tale first appeared on Dadapalooza.

DISCLOSURE: This is a sponsored post from Swiffer for its #SwifferDad campaign.

Cleaning is a chore most of us can do without. For me, I grew up having to do several chores, including washing my clothes and vacuuming. If Swiffer products existed back then, cleaning would have been not only tolerable but dare I say enjoyable. That’s how much I actually like Swiffer.

My family has used these products for years. They are easy to use, easy to find and very effective. I feel as if I have accomplished something when I use a Swiffer to get to those hard-to-reach dust bunnies.

Swiffer is certainly a family-friendly product. That’s why I was so excited for its  #SwifferDad campaign in which it partnered with one of America’s favorite TV dads, Anthony Anderson from the ABC sitcom black-ish, to try to change the perception that fathers don’t (or can’t) handle the “dirty work” in their homes.

“As a working dad and husband myself – and one who cleans floors and drives the carpool – this is a story I can relate to and am excited to help tell,” said Anderson, the creative adviser of the campaign, said. “We cook! We clean! We do housework! What I love about the #SwifferDad campaign is that it’s about celebrating the hands-on role that most of us play – it portrays who we really are as modern dads. And the best part is that this shift to shared responsibility for chores is having a positive effect on our kids.”

Swiffer knows that dads are doing more house cleaning than ever before. I couldn’t be more pleased that they are supporting modern dads. Dads today are pitching in nearly two times more than their dads did, according to information provided by the Swiffer Cleaning Index. In fact, the roles have shifted. Half of today’s dads say they do most of the household cleaning and the divvy up chores with their significant others, according to Swiffer.

For me, my fatherly housework started even before my daughter’s birth with cleaning an old bedroom to prepare it for her arrival. To be honest, that room had become something out of that show Hoarders. To say it needed cleaning was an understatement. What it needed was a second chance.

I went to work on removing items, massive purging, and cleaning and dusting. I am proud of the work I put into that room to make it a comfortable and clean environment for my daughter. I have vowed to never again let dirt and clutter get the better of me.

One of the reasons why I feel it is important to do my part is because I want my daughter to see me as clean. I want her to know that men clean and her dad cleans. I don’t make it look like a chore, so she often wants to help. Yes, my daughter will use a Swiffer to dust the bookshelf or clean under the couch. I believe my willingness to clean in front of her is why she is willing to help. Some people may still believe in that sexist idea that cleaning is only women’s work, but my daughter will know better because Swiffer and I are keeping it real.

Swiffer recently sent me a “big green box” with a Swiffer Wet Jet and accessories. Ten years ago, I would not have been remotely excited about this. However, I know just how easy Swiffer products are to use, so I smiled and giggled like a child opening a birthday gift. I knew that this Wet Jet was going to help my family and me keep our new home clean. The biggest asset is the speed at which I can clean with a Wet Jet. Thanks to Swiffer, I have more time to save the world from supervillains with my daughter.

Since I was given a second “big green box,” I had to decide which fellow father would receive the Wet Jet. It was an easy decision. I had to give it to one of my best friends, Erik, a true modern dad. He is an active and dedicated father who can easily handle any task in his household. Erik was excited to receive the box and even said he had wanted a Wet Jet and would put it to use immediately.

With my schedule changing, I decided to take on more cleaning chores. Swiffer and the Wet Jet will be essential tools in my cleaning. And lots of music. What? You don’t listen to tunes when you clean? You don’t know what you’re missing. Get a Wet Jet and other Swiffer products, turn on some of your favorite tunes and join the rest of us #SwifferDads. Dads clean, too!

DISCLOSURE: The writer received compensation, including the products mentioned above, in exchange for this post. The opinions expressed are completely his.

Today in my house, we learned a lesson. If you don’t want to clean that shit up, don’t do that shit.

We have a set of plastic bins from Target to help with cleaning up and organizing. Don’t mean to brag. We have a set of colorful plastic bins from Target in which a lot of the kids’ smaller toys are stored. Blocks, dolls, fake food and plates, old pay-as-you-go cell phones, poker chips, empty cigarette boxes, bottle caps, three-penny nails, mercury. You know.

I heard the sound of thousands of tiny plastic pieces hitting a hardwood floor.

“Are you dumping out the bins?” I asked rhetorically.

“Complete Silence!” they answered.

I asked again. “Yeah but, we’re using them for some lunatic pre-schooler made-up game reason!” they replied.

“OK,” I said, “but if you empty out all the bins, that means you are going to be doing a lot of cleaning up later. OK?”

“OK,” they replied with confidence.

I drove my point home annoying-parent style. I went around the corner, got them looking at me, and repeated myself in a voice that was still at the same volume it had been when I was a room away. With an added threat: “You guys will have to clean it up all yourselves.”

“OK,” they answered brusquely.

They were a little annoyed now because some loud moron kept moving closer and closer to them, repeating himself as he went. I don’t blame them.

“All right,” I answered with all the arrogance of someone who knows he’s about to be right and can’t wait to get there. Parents really do suck.

Cleaning up is hell

And so it happened. I gave them a 15-minute warning for cleaning up. Ten. Five. 2. One and a half minutes. 47 seconds. 31. 19. 11. You can tell I’m getting mad when I slip into prime numbers

They were shocked when I started yelling. Shocked. But to their credit, they dug in and tried not to get the job done.

I helped, of course. I put the bins back in the rack, and put a few toys in each so they would have an idea of what went there. Had their hands replaced with rakes. To little avail.

When it’s time to clean up around here, you have two choices. Clean up and win first prize: 15 minutes of TV or a treat, maybe both on a good day. Second prize is, you’re fired. There are no steak knives.

So clean up or go to time-out and if you continue to fuck around, you go to bed.

My son, The P-Man, never had a chance. There was a carpet of foot-hurting, over-priced, beloved pieces of plastic from one end of the room to the other. Probably thousands of pieces. He tried for a little while. He failed. Time-out, back up from the time-out, five minutes of cleaning, bedtime. He cried for about five minutes and then passed out. Couldn’t. Handle. The Clean-up.

The Peanut, my daughter, continued. Alone against a sea of junk. I let her go for a bit by herself. Then I pitched in. We finished up and went off to collect her prizes. She was so proud of herself. “I did it all by myself, Daddy!”

“Bullshit!” I did not reply.

But I could’ve. I was well within my rights. It was cool how proud of herself she was for cleaning up her own mess. It was a gargantuan task. I just hope that feeling of pride doesn’t backfire when she gets older.

“Yeah, D-d-daddy, I was shitfaced and I hit this guy dead on. But instead of driving away, I stopped, collected the body and took it home. A Skilsaw and some lime later, and boom, no more body! I cleaned it up all by myself!”

Of course, I’d still be proud of her.

A version of this first appeared on Musings from the Big Pink. Photo by Carson Arias on Unsplash.

I no longer have an excuse to avoid doing arts and crafts projects at home with my son Jake.

I still don’t like to paint, color, and glue things. I never even liked doing that stuff even when I was his age. My wife has been pressuring me to use some of the many craft kits we own but my response has always been the same: I just don’t want to make a mess.

Swiffer has nullified my immature excuse.

The Make Meaning shop on Manhattan’s Upper East Side was all abuzz with camera-men, reporters and bloggers when I got there last week to represent the NYC Dads Group at the celebratory launch of the new Swiffer Sweep & Trap.  Not because they were excited about their futures in arts and crafts, though. Singer, songwriter, and now, parent, Jewel appeared to lend her name and voice to the event. She even played her new take on the popular “Clean-Up Song” in front of some lucky kids there to help demonstrate the cleaning power of the latest addition to the Swiffer line.

To my disappointment, it’s a great product.

The Sweep & Trap picks up larger particles such as glitter, crumbs and craft remnants and, unlike its predecessors, keeps them trapped by utilizing a specially designed bin for disposal. It can clean virtually anywhere because of its 360-degree swivel head. But there is one added bonus that appeals to me in particular.

Jake, who is 3, is extremely sensitive to loud noises so vacuum cleaners scare him. With the Swiffer Sweep & Trap, I won’t have to worry about Jake falling apart. It’s as quiet as can be and Jewel had no problem demonstrating its ability to clean the mess created by crafty children.

“It’s efficient and easy, leaving me with more time and energy to play with my son,” Jewel told the audience.

And that’s why I wanted to be a full-time dad in the first place, so I could spend more time with Jake.