While stuck in typical Los Angeles traffic the other day, I wondered if my kids would ever learn to drive.

Then I thought, “Maybe I should ask, ‘Will my kids ever need to drive?'”

I know several people who never learned to drive and will never need to. In certain cities, such as New York with its extensive mass transportation system, it’s not a big deal. In other cities, such as my Los Angeles, it is absolutely necessary (as the song goes, nobody walks in L.A.). But technology has been advancing at such a rapid pace that in 10 years instead of getting a driver’s license or having a casual conversation with the Uber or Lyft driver, my boys will probably call an automated car through an AI device installed in everyone’s house. If they ever own a car, it will probably be self-driving.

This past summer, a group of us dads spent some time at a friend’s cabin. We all had different technology with us — smartphones, laptops, gaming consoles and more — and it became a game exchanging and playing with new equipment. Then our host said something I find myself thinking about a lot.

“Do you remember who was at your sixth birthday party?” he asked,

I replied, “No way, that was like 40 years ago!”

“Any pictures from any of your birthdays?” he asked.

“A few I suppose.”

He put his virtual reality (VR) goggles on me and said, “This is how our kids are going to remember their birthdays.”

There it was – his 6-year-old daughter’s birthday party in full immersive virtual reality.

What will technology be like in another 40 years, I constantly wonder. What about in another 20 years … even another five?

My kids will have plenty of pictures and videos from their childhood, thanks to our ever-present smartphones. I wonder what their own kids will say about being able to experience, not just hear about, those days and years before they were born. The sheer difference is mind-boggling.

But at what point does technology surpass science fiction and imagination, consuming all our time and focus? Or has that happened already?

Since one of the things I dislike most is driving, I am fascinated by all these new options for getting around. Technology is where dreams can arise from. But it’s also where nightmares can come from. I am both excited and scared for my kids’ future.

Regardless of what comes, I still believe driving a stick shift is a good life skill so I’ll be imparting my old-school ways on them.

I can just hear me now, “In my day …”.

+ + +

This blog post, which first ran on our L.A. Dads Group blog in 2017 and has since been updated, is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo by Pixabay via Pexels.

One of the ongoing debates among parents is how to regulate a child’s screen time, often with moms, dads and “experts” lending their ideas on what restrictions to set. This gets evermore tricky with the increasing number of available devices (televisions, computers, tablets, cell phones) and their mobility allowing them to be viewed not only at home but almost everywhere at any time.

The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages most screen time for children under age 6 and, after that, it calls for encouraging “healthy habits” that include limits on when and where screens can be used. The problem is, as The Mayo Clinic notes, “As your child grows, a one-size-fits-all approach doesn’t work as well. You’ll need to decide how much media to let your child use each day and what’s appropriate.”

Clearly, no right or wrong answer exists. Parents must do what they feel is best for their child in a given circumstance. In our house we’ve adopted a perspective that somewhat goes against the norm: We have no restrictions on our children’s screen time.

Our reasons for unlimited screen time

Here are some of the main reasons we use this approach, and some of our personal results:

1. We believe rationing a child’s screen time leads to dependency, even a sort of addiction. Living in a state of constant fear or anxiety that something we enjoy could be taken away often leads to an all-consuming obsession with that thing whenever we have it.
2. We don’t put devices on a pedestal. As they’re constantly and readily available for our children, our kids don’t view devices as anything special. More often than not, our two children will choose to play with toys, color or read a book over using their tablets. Since they’ve grown accustomed to them always being there, there’s never been a need to have them at all times.
3. We don’t allow an entirely free range of use when it comes to devices. Both our children’s tablets are governed by parental controls (they’re Android, and we utilize the Family Link app). We also moderate the content they’re allowed to watch so that anything they might see has already been pre-approved.

Admittedly, this approach hasn’t been entirely without issues. However, in talking to multiple other parents with a more “traditional” approach, I realized our family has had fewer arguments and complaints about devices and those we have had have been much less severe.

This approach has also allowed us to effectively “steer into the skid” in terms of how technology is being used for educational purposes. Our son is in kindergarten and like many kids, his school assigned him an iPad for classwork. Utilizing technology will become more and more prevalent as the years go by, and as parents, we want to make sure we’ve done everything possible to nurture a positive and healthy relationship between our children and their devices.

No restrictions on screen time photo: © Brocreative / Adobe Stock.

If you are a parent of a teen (or a soon-to-be teen), your child’s relationship with screens and social media probably worries you. But should it?

Two Harvard researchers who have extensively studied teens and their use of technology will discuss their findings and how parents can offer better support and guidance on the subject during a talk in Brooklyn next week.

City Dads Group co-founder Matt Schneider will lead the discussion, titled Screens, Teens & Rattled Parents. It will explore this digital generation gap, unfounded assumptions about the evils and benefits of social media, and a “reset” for adults.

The talk is scheduled for 6:30 to 8 p.m., Tuesday, Sept .13, at the Center for Brooklyn History, 128 Pierrepont St., in Brooklyn.

Emily Weinstein and Carrie James recently published Behind Their Screens: What Teens are Facing (and Adults are Missing). The book explores the complex digital universe that teens inhabit and the often misguided efforts of adults to intervene. Based on a multiyear project surveying more than 3,500 teens, their findings look at social media phenomena that prompt concern if not outright panic on the part of well-intentioned grownups. These include sexting, “comparison quicksand,” and “digital pacifying.”

Weinstein is a research director at Project Zero at Harvard, which has a mission to understand and nurture human potential. She is also a lecturer at Harvard’s Graduate School of Education. James is a sociologist and principle investigator at Project Zero. Major publications, including Time, The Boston Globe, The Washington Post and The Atlantic, have discussed their work.

Reservations are required for Screens, Teens & Rattled Parents. They can be made online. Guests must provide proof of vaccination and are encouraged to wear masks while onsite at all times. In-person capacity is limited and seating is on a first-come, first-served basis.

“I want to apologize for my generation and the world we have created for you.”

A mentor of one of my teen daughters made this statement a few years back. When my daughter first told me about it I understood his mindset. His apology was well-intended. It had been an especially crazy media week featuring stories of environmental disaster, civil strife and political rancor.

But then I thought again: No! Don’t model such pessimism for the next generation! That just makes us part of the problem. If adults can’t envision a better future, how can we expect children to have hope?

Finally, a larger question emerged: How did we get to this defeatist point?

Neverending news cycle wears us down

No doubt one culprit is the media saturation many of us have allowed our families to experience. On the national level, the onslaught of the 24/7 news cycle is hard to tame. On the personal level, the onslaught of social media, texts, e-mails, snaps, posts, tweets, etc. is also hard to tether — especially for teens. In a sense, many of us are becoming human media outlets stuck in a forever “breaking” news cycle of our own lives. Even new brain metaphors like “my mind doesn’t have the bandwidth for that” and “my mental batteries need recharging” show the technological seepage.

The result? We end up living way too much in the present, with no time for reflecting on the past or envisioning the future. Hence the anxiety of my daughter’s well-intentioned mentor.

So what can today’s parents do? I discovered some answers in Madeline Levine’s recent book, Ready or Not: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing World.

Levine notes “it is the velocity of change that we find truly head-spinning” in today’s media-dominated culture. Consequently, anxiety “is now the number one mental health disorder for both adults and children.”

“Old” solutions to the media saturation problem

For Levine, one road to a better, less anxious future for children leads to the past. “For most kids, having something resembling an old-fashioned childhood — playing outside, meeting challenges without constant parental interference, being bored, having chores, taking some risks — is far more likely to build the kinds of competencies kids have always needed and that will be particularly important in the future,” she writes.

Another way of thinking about such “old-fashioned” remedies for media saturation is to divide them into body and mind strategies. Physically, parents can try to foster more non-tech, slowed-down family time. These strategies include:

• age-appropriate chores
• projects
• volunteering
• nature walks
• arts and sports.

Granted, technology has many beneficial uses at home. However, children need boundaries. Boundaries help their physical development beyond looking at screens.

Psychologically, Levine recommends parents revisit a tool from the past.

“While it may sound profoundly old-fashioned, never underestimate teaching your kids the value of a good attitude,” she writes. “That means teaching and appreciating optimism, empathy, gratitude, self-reflection, humility, and enthusiasm around challenges and diverse points of view.”

She calls for parents to model an optimistic “explanatory style,” or “the manner in which we habitually explain to ourselves why things happen and what they mean.”

In addition to expressing optimism, parents should provide context. This helps “reframe” media narratives for children to provide more balanced perspectives. For example, in our house we have talked about the eventual endings of the 1918 flu pandemic and the 1960s nuclear gamesmanship as ways to cope with recent scary headlines. Reflecting on historical traumas that eventually passed helps lessen everyone’s anxiety about the present and future.

The “new” power of increasingly involved fathers

Late in her book, Levine models optimism for the future by noting the positive impacts of increasingly involved fathers. The continued redefinition and expansion of modern fatherhood — whether working or at-home — bodes well for all families.

“In a popular quip, the scientist Alan Kay said, ‘The best way to predict the future is to invent it,’” Levine notes. This quote reminded me of years ago when I attended the Annual At-Home Dads Convention, which I highly recommend. At the conference, one of the presenters joked that full-time at-home dads are like “fathers from the future.”

It’s ironic that Levine offers some old-fashioned advice to “future-proof” today’s families. But in a statement that contrasts with my daughter’s well-meaning mentor, she practices the “good attitude” she preaches.

“We want our children to run toward adulthood eagerly, not cringe from it or burrow down in our spare room for years,” Levine writes. “We want to reassure them that, even in our unpredictable era, there’s always a way forward to a fulfilling life.”

In other words, “the future isn’t a tide that’s going to crush us, it’s a wave we’re a part of.” Don’t let media saturation make your family forget that.

Media saturation photo: ©photoschmidt/ Adobe Stock.

I challenged myself to go a full year without social media in March 2021.

At the time, I was recovering from the brutality of the first full pandemic year with all the polarization and fear it brought from doomscrolling through newsfeeds. I found myself constantly consuming content I wasn’t seeking; scrolling endlessly throughout many moments of my day for something to spike my dopamine levels enough to evoke an emotion.

Then I watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix. It’s an enlightening documentary about how social media is designed to hook and manipulate us. This made me contemplate all the effects it had on me. That’s when I knew I needed to take action. 

Risks, benefits of going cold turkey

However, as someone who has been active on social media since the days of Myspace and who needs to stay updated on platforms for my career’s sake, I kept finding excuses to avoid limiting my social media use.

Finally, I decided — I’d go cold turkey. For a year.

I was expecting FOMO — Fear of Missing Out. I readied myself for anxiety from being away from constantly updating feeds. But I knew in the long run, it would be good for me.

And it was.

Stopping my social media consumption gave me back so much time for myself. It made me feel liberated. And, I can’t believe how much better it made me for my family’s sake.

During the first week, I noticed how my fingers would automatically click on the folder where my apps once were on my phone, only to not find any. Similarly, I found myself typing in facebook.com on my browser throughout many times of the day. I soon realized I didn’t know how to properly be bored anymore. Any chance I got, I was spending it on consuming content.

Sleep, independence, clear-headedness

Over time, I began to do more of the little things I enjoyed. I started doodling a lot more, reading in-depth articles on things I truly enjoyed and reading more books because I would scroll less in the mornings. My sleep is better probably due to the lack of blue light from my phone. I was enjoying and controlling more of my own time.  

Another benefit for me was my sense of independence. Maybe it was the lack of unsolicited news content or an echo chamber of like-minded thinking, or even an urgency to send out virtue signaling, but I have never felt like such an independent thinker. I no longer feel aligned with any party or thought process. The decisions I made for myself and my family were truly mine. I felt free to have my own opinion, and since I can’t post, I don’t have to worry about sharing it with people that I otherwise wouldn’t be talking to on a day-to-day basis.

The adage that “ignorance is bliss” did play true here and, honestly, I really like this bubble I’ve created. It’s free of external judgment and I no longer seek virtual validation of my opinions. 

With all these changes, my mind was also clearer. I was more intentional, and with that, a better person for my family. No longer did I ignore a beautiful moment when my daughter is dancing in front of me because I was busy reading an article or editing a picture. I took incredible in-the-moment pictures because I wasn’t worrying about how it would look when I posted them. My conversations with my wife were so much more creative, aspirational and exciting as we moved away from discussing current events and topical news. I felt much more present.

Stay without social media or return to the apps?

Even though I originally felt I wasn’t THAT MUCH engrained in social media, removing myself from it showed me just how much it was seeping its way through my life. 

So what are my next steps? As much as I have enjoyed this journey, I don’t know if it’s sustainable for me.

One key thing that was missing was the sense of connection I felt with some people. Although much of the “social” part of social media has been lost, some people I connected with on social media were not people I could just call or text with. As much as I could say I didn’t need surface-level connections with people in that way, it wasn’t the case. I found myself wanting to know what was going on in their lives, their families and their adventures. I missed out on celebrating major life moments for others. Ironically, the motivation for self-improvement I received from some really inspiring people was also now missing in my life. 

So now the hard part has come:

• How can I go back to social media without losing all the benefits I gained without it?
• How can I use it for the true social aspect without consuming it like I did before? Is that even possible?
• I loved how I have felt this past year, so have I really weighed the pros and cons of returning?
• In my field of work, it could be dangerous to not understand the social environments I can market in and how they evolve if I am not a consumer of them. But is that enough of a compelling reason to return?

It’s difficult. I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. Because of that, I’m figuring out just how I will return and to what extent. One thing I do know, though. I need to find the tools and put the parameters in place now to allow me to use these platforms differently than I had before.

Or maybe I’ll just stick to this blissful bubble. I kind of can’t wait until I run into someone I haven’t seen in years and really mean it when I say, “Let’s catch up. 

Photo: ©dusanpetkovic1 / Adobe Stock.

My daughter is crying, tears coming from each eye like it’s a race to her chin. She hiccups a little when she tries to catch her breath. As a father, I feel that I have sufficiently done my job. I’m a good dad.

Little Hoss has her first cell phone.

Is 11 too young? I don’t know. I’ve been fighting this for at least two years. There was a time I was of the opinion that “You aren’t getting a phone until you are at least 16 and engaged to a nice young boy who requires no dowry.” My wife thought that was too harsh. So fine, I switched my opinion. We could marry her to the church.

“Honey, you are not religious. Like, at all.”

“Quiet woman! I’m making fatherly decisions!”

Those were some pretty rough conversations. She’s 11 though! I mean 11! She’s at that age where she still likes to snuggle with me on the couch. Little Hoss will occasionally play with Barbies if no one is looking and her toddler brother is with her. She still calls me “Daddy.” Not “Dad” – “Daddy.” 

She’s a little girl, my sweet pea, my destroyer of everything quiet. A phone is crazy talk, the thoughts of a loose father with loose morals. A man willing to thrust his daughter out into the world without any preparation at all.

But she’s a little girl who requires training bras. She goes to Girl Scouts and volleyball practice. She goes into the store and uses my debit card to grab a gallon of milk. 

My sweet pea, my little girl who doesn’t snuggle with me on the couch as much as she used to. Little Hoss has built herself a life outside of me. She is starting to gain independence.

Fuck. She’s not a little girl anymore.

This all started when we were finally able — thank you, Jesus (see, I pray!) — to break away from our cell phone provider and switch to another carrier. When we did, because of a great deal they were having, Little Hoss got her very own phone. It was free and, like every responsible father, I could not turn down a good deal. Nor can I turn back time.

We gave her that first cell phone and she immediately left me.

The string between us cut with a text. She jumped on the couch and her fingers began moving faster than a court stenographer’s. She would send me a text: “Dad, what’s Aunt Shell’s number?” I would text back. “Dad, do you have my cousins’ numbers?” I would send them to her. She is out in the world, the cold fucking world that preys on kids.

First off, how the hell does she even know how to work a cell phone? How does she know how to text?

“All my friends have phones, Dad. So do all my cousins.”

Fuck.

Thinking about putting my daughter into a convent has blinded me. I should have prepared her better to be out there. She has Google on her phone. There is internet on that thing. There are chat rooms and in one of them lurks Chris Hanson.

So my wife and I sat my daughter down that night and had “The Talk.” It used to be that having The Talk was just going over sex. Dad puts his pee pee in Mommy’s hoo-ha. They wrestle a bit and eventually your mother thanks God and it’s over. A baby eventually comes around.

But now, so much different than my own childhood, The Talk has to encompass a whole shitload of issues that I never had to. We have to go over inappropriate texts – both the bullying kind and the dick pic kind. We have to go over people in chat rooms, how some may not be the people they claim to be. That she should never go into chat rooms at all and, to be honest, I’m not sure they even still exist. But just in case, we have banned them.

We talked to her about digital predators in digital white vans promising treats and love if only she would meet them somewhere. My mind reeled. It ran from one nightmare scenario to another. And I laid it all at her feet.

I invited my wife to tell my daughter about some of the inappropriate things people have said to her. It’s a world where I have no experience. It’s rare that as a young teen anyone would say anything to me other than my dad telling me that masturbating should only be done in the bedroom, so put your junk away son. That was our talk. Uncomfortable but, hey, at least it was quick. (HA). Hearing my wife’s stories, I now have a whole list of people I have to track down and beat up. So Mr. Old Man from 1988 – I’m coming for you. We got a score to settle.

Catcalling, conniving, false promises, predators. All of it.

“Does that really happen, Dad?” she said. She called me Dad.

“Damn right. Not if you were in a convent, but it looks like that’s not an option for us. So, yes, that happens. Sometimes it happens a lot.” My tone was serious, more serious than I think she is used to from me. That’s when the sniffles started.

And to drive the point home, in my overprotective father mode, I pulled up Reddit. I went to a subreddit called /r/creepypms – which is not what I thought it was when I first saw the name of it. This is a place where women of many ages post all the creepy shit that people send them. I didn’t let my daughter read them of course. I just showed her how many there are, page after page after page.

That’s when the tears started.

So my daughter has her first cell phone. There are rules, of course. No texts without me knowing and only to people I know. No apps unless I know what they are and give approval. My wife and I have complete and total access to the phone whenever we deem it appropriate. All that and more so that at least we are sending her out into the world padded and with a safety net. And of course, if anyone from 20/20 ever contacts her, she should immediately come to me.

At the end of the talk, I sat down on the couch. Tired, exhausted, nightmares fresh behind my eyes. She came and sat next to me. She leaned over and put her head on my chest, I put my arm around her.

“People are weird, Daddy.”

“I know, sweet pea. Now show me what a Bitmoji is.”

A version of First Cell Phone appeared on Hossman At-Home. Photo: ©kmiragaya/ Adobe Stock.

Did your family make a New Year’s resolution this month? Probably not, since we tend to think of resolutions as individual endeavors. But that may be the reason so many resolutions fail, as Charles Duhigg explains in his bestselling The Power of Habit.

To change a bad family habit or reinforce a good one, we first need to know how habits operate. Duhigg writes “habits emerge because the brain is constantly looking for ways to save effort … without habit loops, our brains would shut down, overwhelmed by the minutiae of daily life.”

In fact, nearly half the actions we perform each day are not decisions, but habits that have become automatic — e.g., brushing one’s teeth or driving a car. That is why it’s so important to learn those habits in healthy ways before they become rooted.

Significantly, an individual is often more successful at changing a bad habit (or reinforcing a good habit) when he or she is part of a group. Duhigg explains: “If you want to change a habit, you must find an alternative routine, and your odds of success go up dramatically when you commit to changing as part of a group. Belief is essential, and it grows out of a communal experience, even if that community is only as large as two people.”

On a large group scale, examples of successful habit changes include the rise of seat belt users, designated drivers and nonsmokers. On a smaller group scale, habit changers like Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous come to mind. On an even smaller group scale, the family can serve as an effective habit changer or reinforcer.

Change of family habits done easier together

To illustrate, I will apply some of Duhigg’s observations to one of my own family habits, especially since my two children are now teenagers. Hopefully my story can encourage parents of younger children who may be in the throes of trying to establish good family habits.

While our family certainly has some bad habits, one of our good habits is that our daughters sleep in their bedrooms without their cell phones. When my older daughter started college and lived away from home for the first time, she was thankful that it was easy to continue ignoring her phone after bedtime, using an alarm clock for waking, and protecting her sleep every night. But that family habit — and the whole family’s belief in its value — did not come easy.

The first important decision for parents about cell phones involves what age they feel is appropriate for kids to have one. We decided on age 12, though each family has different circumstances. Next, it’s important to establish cell phone rules on day one. Some can be negotiable, but my two main ones were no phones at meals or in the bedrooms during sleeping hours.

In those early days, you might say my wife and I were the only “believers” in such phone habits and the importance of a good night’s sleep. I certainly had to enforce a rule sometimes, but there were also moments when I learned to empathize with my daughters. For example, one morning I picked up one of my daughters’ phones and saw a surprising amount of notifications sent at all hours of the night! That showed me the peer pressure she was enduring, and after that I understood why she spent so much time on her phone in the morning “catching up” on all she had missed.

In addition to fostering a healthy habit from the start, parents need to be ready for future challenges to a habit. As Duhigg states, “what you need is a plan.” One of our biggest challenges came during sleepovers, when my daughters’ friends often had a range of family phone policies. Gradually, we negotiated a compromise in which everyone could keep their phones up to a specific time, but then my wife or I would collect and store the phones until morning.

This policy was not always well-received. But years later one of my daughters’ friends told us she actually looked forward to that habitual phone-confiscation because then everyone focused on hanging out in-person rather than online. Paired with my daughter’s grateful comment about college, her sentiment made all the work on (and gradual belief in) our family cell phone habit worth it.

Duhigg explains that such a habit is sometimes called a “keystone” habit, or one that is so foundational that it often leads to other habits. So in the new year, think about what your family’s “keystone” habits might be — both the good and the bad. Then consider making a family resolution to work as a group to change a bad one, or maybe better yet, reinforce a good one.

Photo: © NDABCREATIVITY  / Adobe Stock.

We live in a world where everyone voluntarily carries a powerful location tracking device with us everywhere we go — a cell phone. Most of us wouldn’t dream of giving it up. We love that “getting lost” has become a thing of the past. We enjoy being able to tag our location in travel photos with a single tap. We’ve gotten used to the luxury of taking an Uber any time of the day or night.

There’s no doubt being able to track your child’s whereabouts has incredible benefits. But in the realm of parenting, it can also create tension, resentment, depression, and some downright nasty arguments. Teenagers can feel controlled, spied on and manipulated when parents use cell phone GPS to check in.

Here are four typical mistakes parents can make when deciding to use location tracking via cell phone on their teens.

1. Secretly Tracking Your Teen’s Location

The first big mistake parents can make is starting to track their teen’s location without talking with their child ahead of time. I get it. Like the sex talk, this also isn’t an easy conversation. You pay for the phone so you feel entitled to use it however you want. There’s a strong urge to check in clandestinely and see whether your teen is being truthful about their whereabouts. But tracking your teen’s location without telling them is a recipe for disaster.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

There are two big reasons why this isn’t a good idea. First, it’s not going to stay a secret for long. Trust me, the cat will get out of the bag sooner than you think. Studies show that over 96% of teens lie to their parents about where they are and who they are with. Most of the time it’s nothing to worry about; they just want privacy and don’t feel like explaining every detail of their schedule. You’re opening Pandora’s Box if you start tracking them without their knowledge.

Second, it’s a serious violation of trust. It will damage your relationship with your teen. Research indicates that parent-teen conflict increases significantly when teens feel their privacy has been invaded. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t want your spouse doing it to you, don’t do it to your teenager.

What To Do Instead

Try saying something like, “This is not about spying on you. It’s about keeping you safe. I’m activating location tracking but I’m only going to use it if I’m worried about you or need to find you in an emergency.”

Let them know the boundaries and expectations for the tracking software so they don’t feel like you’re constantly looking over their shoulder. Your teen will be more open to the idea if you explain how it’s useful for your job as a parent. Use this opportunity to initiate an open dialogue and decide on something that seems fair to both of you. Be transparent and let them know every time you use it.

2. Checking Obsessively Where Your Child Is

You don’t want to be that parent who is constantly checking his phone, wondering, “Is my kid in danger?” It’s nerve-wracking and unhealthy. Once you start tracking your teen, it can easily turn into another obsessive habit to add to checking your email inbox, text messages and social media notifications. Don’t let that happen.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

The more your monitor your teen‘s location, the fewer opportunities your teen will have to make their own decisions for their own reasons. Remember, your teen is transitioning to being an independent adult. It is good for both of you to allow your teen to experiment with their independence — even if this means your teen isn’t always 100% honest with you.

What To Do Instead

It’s a good idea to set up clear rules in advance with your teen about when it is appropriate to monitor their location and when it isn’t. For instance, you could say something like, “If you come home safely before your curfew and communicate with me ahead of time about your whereabouts, I will NEVER track your location.” Then you could explain that you reserve the right to check in on them if they are out past their curfew or if they don’t respond to your calls or texts in more than 60 minutes.

3. Using Cell Phone Tracking Over Communication

If you don’t know where your teenager is, it’s always better to ask first instead of immediately checking their location. When teens know they are going to be tracked no matter what they do, they could get in the habit of going out without permission. You might both start to treat the app like some sort of safety net that overrides the need to communicate.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

This can be dangerous. Teens quickly learn how to game the system. For instance, they’ll start planting their cell phones at home or at school, knowing you won’t ask questions if you see they are in a “safe” place. Your teen can take advantage of you and easily work around the technology if that’s your only line of communication. Problematic teens may avoid the process of asking for permission, preferring to ask for forgiveness or deal with the consequences later. Don’t let location tracking inadvertently promote this pattern

What To Do Instead

Try giving your teen some control over whether they get tracked. Let them know that by practicing good communication and coming home when they say they will that they avoid getting spied on. Enforce this rule a few times and, almost as if by magic, your teen will become exceptionally punctual and will turn into an impeccable communicator.

4. Tracking Their Location Indefinitely

If you start to rely on location tracking of your kids’ cell phones as a crutch, it’s hard to know when to stop. This can lead to a situation where teens leave for college and parents continue to check in on what they are doing every few hours. That’s not healthy for either of you.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

Your job as a parent is to get your teen ready for the adult world. When they leave home at 18, they should be completely independent and prepared for college, a gap year, or the job market. Studies show that “helicopter parenting” is detrimental to your teen’s development. Also, it’s stressful for you. Let go!

What To Do Instead

Consider cell phone location tracking of your kids as training wheels. When you tell your teen that you are going to be setting up parental controls on their phone, be sure to outline exactly how long you intend to use the location tracking feature. Explain to your teenager what criteria you want them to meet before it’s safe for them to roam free of location services. They will be much more receptive to taking responsibility if you can outline concrete steps to growing more independent.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Girls on cell phone photo: ©Farknot Architect / Adobe Stock.

A recent obituary hit me surprisingly hard: “Paint-by-Numbers Maestro Dan Robbins Dies at 93.” The mere mention of the paint-by-numbers inventor transported me back to my childhood dining room table where I would sit for hours engrossed in my latest “masterpiece.” You could say I was addicted to that low-tech pursuit.

I thought of that addiction while reading Adam Alter’s recent book, Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked. Thirty years from now, whose obituary might send today’s kids back to a passion or hobby in our current homes? Some kind of social media or game developer is the most likely candidate.

That fact is not an inherently bad thing. In some ways, it simply reflects our cultural moment. But perhaps the defining challenge of today’s parenting is how to manage the accelerating — and often unavoidable — role that technology plays in family life.

Alter’s book raises red flags that might help families achieve a greater tech-life balance. The first step is to understand the subtle ways that technology’s addictive qualities are growing stronger. For example, computers — especially smartphones — continue to become faster, more mobile and more accessible. Gaming used to require a slow-loading laptop or console and lots of free time; now it can be played quickly by anyone (and with anyone) on any phone for any amount of time. Alter makes the chilling observation: “Just as drugs have become more powerful over time, so has the thrill of behavioral feedback. Product designers are smarter than ever.”

It’s also important to realize that many of today’s technological “hooks” for both parents and children include “bottomless” forms of social media, gaming, online shopping, binge viewing, e-mail notifications, exercise metrics, etc. As much as possible, show your children how to resist the tech-induced, sleep-depriving urge for just one more “like,” follower, high score, episode, step and read e-mail. You will never reach the end of those “feeds,” and neither will your kids.

Tips to achieve tech-life balance

When possible, turn off e-mail notifications during family time. Consider having children use an alarm clock for waking instead of having their phones in their bedroom. Overall, strive to “demetricate” life, since as Alter says, “numbers pave the road to obsession.”

When we allow new forms of technology into our homes without considering their addictive potential, we neglect what Alter calls our “stopping rules.”

Netflix provides an example of new, unexamined technology leading to behavioral addiction. He explains that “in August 2012, Netflix introduced a subtle new feature called ‘post-play.’ … Before August 2012 you had to decide to watch the next episode of a series; now you had to decide to NOT watch the next episode.” This simple change of a default in the home environment has greatly contributed to addictive television viewing, greatly altering the tech-life balance of individuals and families.

What else can parents do to resist such technology? Alter urges us to become “smart behavioral architects” whose home fosters “sustainable” technology use. Spend more time discussing with your children the pros and cons of using new technology in your home. In the process, you will model how to slow life down for your children to make better, more informed decisions and achieve greater self-regulation. Finally, try to replace some family tech time with offline alternatives like sports, nature hikes, hobbies, reading, art, tech-free meals and care of pets.

In hindsight, I’m so grateful that paint-by-numbers ignited my passion during childhood, bolstered my self-esteem, and led to interests in drawing and photography. Most importantly, that hobby had a built-in “stopping point” or “bottom” enforced by my parents — i.e., they would only provide so many kits at a time. (My only regret is that I no longer possess any of my “masterpieces.”)

Granted, it’s fine — and often necessary — for today’s families to use technology. But without the right tech-life balance and attention to its addictive qualities, technology also has potential to abuse family life. Don’t let it do a number on your family.

Tech-life balance photo at top: Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

At the end of this past summer, my wife and I bought our sixth grader a cell phone.

Right now, many of you are groaning. You’re probably thinking, “A sixth grader? Really?!?”

Yep, we did, but, here’s the good news.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

We bought our daughter a cell phone for a few different reasons…

1. Because I’m no longer a full-time stay-at-home dad, there will be occasions where she will be a latchkey kid. It won’t happen often, but when it does, it will be nice for her to call us (side note we don’t have a landline … remember those?)
2. She got her Safe Sitter certification and began babysitting. Since fewer and fewer families, like us, have landlines in their homes, we felt it was necessary for her to have a way to contact the parents of the kids she’s watching. Would you leave your sitter without a phone? Me neither.
3. She’ll end up with a phone eventually so we’re hoping by giving it to her at this age, with our help, she’ll learn to use it responsibly. She isn’t allowed (and doesn’t want) social media. She can text her friends but we have the feature to send pictures turned off. So, for the most part, when she is home the phone stays on the charger.

So why did I feel the need to mention this has nothing to do with you? Because it doesn’t. I’m not saying ALL sixth graders should have phones, just that ours should. We’ve made it clear to our other kids this doesn’t meant they automatically get phones at age 11 either. They’ll need to show they are ready for one.

Next time you see a tween with a phone, don’t instantly groan and roll your eyes. The parents of that child didn’t give him or her a phone to pressure you into getting one for your child. They got one for their child because it was the right thing for their family.

A version of this first appeared on Indy’s Child. Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash