When my daughter was born, my paternity leave consisted of whatever paid and unpaid time off from work I could bank before the big due date. It took me almost two years, but I saved a month’s worth of vacation, sick and personal days. During that month, I changed diapers, helped my wife recover from a C-section, and bonded with my child.  

At the end of my paternity leave, which was still an oddity then, I returned to work. I had no choice. My wife’s maternity leave was at reduced or no pay at all and my family needed my health insurance and paycheck. Things were fine until they were not.

My wife had to have gallbladder surgery during her maternity leave. She also popped a stitch carrying our newborn down the stairs and was in a lot of pain. I wanted to be there but couldn’t. I felt helpless.

What prevents men from being engaged fathers?

It is no secret mothers carry most of the mental load of parenting. There is a demand, and rightly so, for fathers to be more engaged. However, after the argument for better paternity leave policies, there is no path for this to happen. Many men are prevented from becoming engaged fathers.

To put it bluntly, many fathers can’t afford to spend more time with their kids. It’s the exact same situation I found myself in 17 years ago.

According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, 55% of marriages “have a husband who is the primary or sole breadwinner, and 16% have a breadwinner wife.” The study also reports 29% of marriages where both spouses earn the same amount. While that last number is encouraging, the onus for providing an income for a family still falls primarily on men.

Now add in the average annual cost for childcare (a little over $10,000) and health insurance ($23,000). An average American family is already 33 grand in the hole the minute they have a child. This is before we get to the rising cost of diapers and formula, the housing market, or general inflation. Working parents everywhere are struggling just to survive. The term “side hustle” has now become part of a parent’s lexicon.

As a stay-at-home dad, I have seen the struggles my wife has endured as our financial caregiver. This goes beyond missing baseball games or not helping with laundry. She has fought back against misogyny and sexism to keep our health insurance. I point this out because being the primary breadwinner keeps one of the parents from being as engaged as they would want to be. And this cuts that way for most fathers.

Finally, societal and grassroots support systems in place for fathers are lacking. There is very little mentorship, acceptance or consistent quality advice available for fathers. A simple but telling sign: there are still men’s bathrooms in this day and age without changing tables. It’s such a simple fix that would help fathers and mothers everywhere.

My own experiences have shown me that fathers in the everyday parenting world are either treated as a potential threat or lavished with false praise for doing the simplest parenting job. When I go out with my dads’ group and their kids, especially early on when we had six dads with strollers, we’ve been stopped and asked to pose for pictures. I know of one father who was told to sit quietly during a playgroup with moms and not to speak unless someone approached him. And although that is a dramatic example, it still points to the problem.

What’s the solution to creating more engaged fathers?

To have more engaged fathers, ones that take on the mental load and are allowed to participate fully in family life, we have to make it possible for them to do so.

The burden of financial caregiving needs to be lessened. This includes affordable health insurance not tied to your employment and reasonable childcare. This is more difficult. In 2022, The Inflation Reduction Act was passed but cut out provisions for pre-kindergarten funding, lower childcare costs and enhanced tax credits, among others. This is disastrous for not just fathers. Not only did we not ease the financial difficulties for parents; we made it worse.

When legislation like this is passed, it’s mostly discussed on how it affects women and children. Fathers are often forgotten about in governmental policies and programs, which only adds to the dad as a “less than” parent association. For example, look at the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children, or WIC for short. Even though fathers can access the program, it’s not exactly inviting. Caregiving is genderless. Luckily, in this case, The National Fatherhood Initiative, one of the largest non-profit fatherhood-focused organizations, works with “human service organizations to be intentionally and proactively father-inclusive.”

To correct this thinking, we all need to treat fathers as parenting equals and expect them to be engaged. That means parenting spaces need to be more welcoming. When I go to story time with my children, I don’t need to ask why no one wants to sit next to me. I don’t need to be stopped for pictures with my dads, and please don’t applaud me for going to the grocery store with three kids. I’ve been doing it for 16 years, it’s normal.

And as it is normal, there continues to be a need for more fatherhood organizations that encourage the everyday involvement of fathers. These have been growing over the last decade such as Fathering Together, Movember for men’s mental health, and many others. There has also been more fatherhood advice that reaches dads where they are such as podcasts like The Dad Time Out Show and the Dadass Podcast, which recently worked with the Columbus City Council to install 130 changing tables. This is the kind of societal change that will go a long way to show that fathers are welcome, needed, and valued.

Becoming an engaged father doesn’t end with paternity leave. It’s the beginning and the first step to a future that is better for all parents.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo: Takako Harkness Photography courtesy New York Baby Show

September is National Infant Mortality Awareness Month. It focuses on children who lose their lives before their first birthday and the causes of those deaths. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the infant mortality rate in the United States is 5.4 deaths per every 1,000 live births. In 2020, that amounted to just under 20,000 infant deaths.

Twenty thousand.

Twenty thousand who will never speak their first words, walk their first steps or make their first friends. Children who will never go to school, form families of their own, work, play or experience the trials and joys that make up our world.

Here are some more startling facts:

• The U.S. infant mortality rate ranks among the worst among wealthy nations.
• Maternal mortality rates in the United States, defined as the death of a mother during pregnancy, delivery, or the first 42 days following delivery/termination, are also among the worst globally.
• Black women in the United States are three times as likely to die from pregnancy-related causes as white women. 

In simple terms, it’s more dangerous to give birth in the United States than in many other nations. It’s also more dangerous to be a baby. And it’s even more dangerous to be a mother or child if you’re a person of color.

But what can dads do about it?

On a broad level, it starts with policies.

Paid family leave helps babies, parents, families

One major reason behind these sobering statistics is the lack of paid leave for working parents. America lags behind just about every other nation in terms of paid family and medical leave. Researchers at the National Institutes of Health note: “Mothers’ and fathers’ leave-taking may improve child health by decreasing postpartum depression among mothers, improving maternal mental health, increasing the time spent with a child, and increasing the likelihood of child medical checkup.”

Paid family leave gives parents time to bond as a family as well as care for an infant and each other during those intense, early times. When I became a first-time father, my teaching job offered just three days of paid leave. That wasn’t nearly enough time to help my new son or my wife or to become a family. It’s a big reason I chose to become an at-home dad. Some states have started implementing paid leave policies, but we have a long way to go. Advocating for paid leave policies is a big first step.

And perhaps paid family leave should start before birth. During the COVID-19 lockdowns, an interesting thing happened globally. Premature births, the second leading cause of infant mortality in the United States, declined dramatically. Is it possible that being home before birth helped lower stress and create healthier births? Research from the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that paid leave before birth may decrease the number of premature births in women.

Paid leave is a no-brainer. It is a significant step forward to decrease infant mortality and maternal mortality, not to mention a step toward economic, racial, and gender justice.

Support new mothers from the start

However, dads can do more than just advocating for leave, or take all the leave available to them. Supporting mothers during those early weeks and months is vital.

For example, breastfeeding is one of the best ways to increase a child’s health. However, it isn’t easy for many mothers and isn’t possible for some. Do you know how to make a good oatmeal that supports breastfeeding? I do. I made it for my wife almost every morning after she gave birth to our son.

However, being there for mothers is about more than just physically being around. Take time to listen to your partner. Know how her postpartum healing is supposed to progress and help monitor it. Learn the warning signs of postpartum depression. Check in with your partner often about how they’re feeling and if something seems off, make sure they get to a doctor.

Thousands of babies and mothers are dying. We need to do better for them.

We need policies in America to change this situation.

And we need dads to support and nurture their partners and families.

Yes, being a dad is a life-saving activity.

And a life-altering one.

And still the best job there is.

Infant mortality photo: © Prostock-studio / Adobe Stock.

“Dads don’t take sick days.” We’ve all heard the line, most famously in a series of NyQuil ads. But the lighthearted comment and commercials hide a darker reality about paid leave for working parents in the United States.

Six years ago, my wife and I wanted to have our first child. I was a successful public high school teacher in one of the nation’s largest and wealthiest school districts. I had worked hard to get through grad school and earn a solid middle-class career. When I asked my supervisor how much paid paternal leave I’d receive for my son’s birth, I was shocked.

Three days.

Considering we were in the hospital for two days, if we’d had him during the school year (we didn’t, for this reason) I would have received one paid day off when we got him homes. One day to bond, adapt to late night feedings, support my wife, and say goodbye before I had to be back in the classroom the next day. Even worse, I was told I was welcome to take far more time off — as much unpaid time off as I desired, but I shouldn’t expect a job when I return.

Unfortunately, my situation was not unique. Actually, it was more generous than many other working American parents receive.

U.S. dead last when it comes to paid leave

The United States is one of the only industrialized nation that offers no national paid family leave at all. No maternity, no paternity, no paid time to take care of sick or dying relatives, and absolutely no time to take care of ourselves. No paid leave for working parents — period. The one guarantee most working parents in America have comes from the federal Family and Medical Leave Act, which states employers with 50 or more workers must allow parents 12 weeks of job-protected leave annually to care for a newborn — in many cases the leave is unpaid.

Suddenly, the line “Dads don’t get sick days” sounded a lot more insidious. (And for the record, moms don’t get sick days either).

I ended up doing OK when our son was born. We planned carefully, had him over the summer, and I didn’t work my normal summer job. But it’s just one example of how tricky a situation can become. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Compensation Survey, nearly three in four workers do not have paid family leave through their jobs, and three in five lack access to paid medical leave through their employer. While a few states and some employees do offer paid leave for parents, they are an exception not the rule. What’s more, this problem is truly American. Only the United States and Papua New Guinea, out of every industrialized nation on Earth, offer no weeks of paid leave. There’s an excellent documentary called Zero Weeks available to stream that highlights this issue.

Now it is more important than ever to change that disappointing statistic. We’re living through the worst public health crisis in a millennium. Every time I stand in the long lines for the state-sponsored COVID-19 tests I have the same panicked thoughts. I don’t care about being sick or feeling discomfort. I just worry about my kids. Even if it’s a mild case, who will watch them? Who will help take care of them? Will my wife be able to take leave?

Making the case for paid family leave

According to data pooled by the Kaiser Family Foundation, the temporary paid leave policies in The Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security Act (CARES Act), signed into law March 27, 2020, directly impacted workplace health and seemed to correspond to large drops in COVID cases. However, these provisions expired in September. Once again, there’s zero paid leave. If you’re sick, you have to hope your employer offers some type of paid leave for working parents, but there’s a good chance they don’t.

Admittedly, many U.S. employers are starting to notice the issue. However, many small employers cannot afford to offer paid leave, and many larger corporations tightly restrict and limit what they do provide. In every other nation, this problem is subsidized by their government and public-private relations that ensure paid leave for all be it for personal illness, caring for a newborn or loved one, or handling a death in the family.

A month ago, I called my two U.S. senators. I’ve never done something like that. I vote, but I’m not very political. Yet, here I was on the phone with my senators (it’s quite easy to find their numbers), telling them what I was thinking. Paid leave for working parents is something both parties are discussing. I told them the story about those three days I was offered. I told them about the tears and frustration my wife, and I shared figuring out what to do. And I told them I was sick of seeing America listed as the only industrialized country without paid leave for its workers. That’s how you make change in this country. Not by jumping into fights on Facebook or Twitter, but by talking to your elected representatives.

We’re dads. We don’t get sick days.

But we should.

Everyone should.   

Photo: ©Vitalii Vodolazskyi / Adobe Stock.

In preparing for the arrival of his first child, my brother-in-law mentioned that he planned to take advantage his company’s paternity leave program for the first six weeks of his infant’s life.

“That’s great,” I assured him. Then I suggested an alternative.

“I’d take a couple of days at first and some more time when your baby is doing more – like in six months, ” I said.

My brother-in-law was dumbfounded, likely the same reaction you might be having as you think, Is this dad really saying paternity leave is shortsighted? 

I said this because I’ve come to realize this: Paternity leave, while valuable, provides precious time to care for and bond with our infants, however, it fails to guarantee us more time with them as they grew.

The business world’s sponsorship of fatherhood cannot end after 12 weeks of doing what is truly our most important job – raising great children. The statistics about dads and paternity leave are lackluster – showing that 80% of new dads spent less than 10 days at home under the federal Family Medical and Leave Act. Key to this under-utilization are two facts: (a) the time is often unpaid and (b) men feel stigmatized for taking leave and rushed to return given heavy workloads.

With these statistics in mind, employers have little incentive to support paternity leave programs — men have not proven they will use them! A company offering a program they know few will use (and use only sparingly) is a nothing more than a hallow pat on the head. So much for corporations driving a better work-life balance among male employees.

It is time to get serious.

It is time to think bigger and longer term.

It is time to expand the idea of parenting past the first few weeks of our kids’ lives.

It is time for dads to pivot, shifting our focus from advocating for paternity leave to demanding a no-questions-asked policy of allowing parents to work from home more often. This pivot could be, in fact, the legacy for post-COVID-19 fatherhood.

The novel coronavirus has forced most working dads to be work-at-home dads. Shuffling between class lessons and conference calls can be frustrating, sure. I cannot escape, though, the certain aspects of my quarantine life that I will truly miss when I have to return to the office, such as:

• Helping my children get ready for school.
• Eating lunch together.
• Watching my 4-year-old independently play with her dolls.
• Avoiding my daughter’s daily requests to make a TikTok with her.

The list, of things big and small, that I will miss on a normal day by returning to work away from home could continue endlessly. I have come to realize that I am a better, more attentive partner to my wife and father to my children when I can work from home. I know the “return to the office” bell will soon toll. That thought depresses me.

Ideally, dads should be have the ability to take paternity leave AND the ability to work around their kid’s schedules from home. Realistically, though, dads will probably have to give up the former to achieve the latter. I would make that trade any day.

This pivot, though, does not mean advocating for the unquestioned ability to work from home would yield meaningless the hard work done by paternity leave advocates. In fact, the relative failure of men to fully utilize paternity leave for more than the first 10 days of their kids’ lives can provide a blueprint for other items important to working dads that need addressing, like:

• Continuing to earn a paycheck while tending to our children.
• The continued importance of being perceived as the family’s “bread-winner.”
• Keeping up with work responsibilities while parenting.

The improved ability to work from home checks all these boxes that matter to dads.

Paternity leave is about detaching from professional life for a very short, intense period. Pushing for a great flexibility to work from home is the opposite – it has a long-term goal of proving a father can maintain a productive career while simultaneously taking the kids to school or attending a noon hour PTA meeting.

The time to pivot away from pushing for paternity leave is now, while the wounds of COVID-19 remain open and the legacy of American ingenuity generated from the living room couch is fresh in the minds of our superiors.

While the abandonment of paternity leave as a mission for dads seems to fly in the face of popular opinion, I’d ask all fathers to ask themselves a simple question:

Would you rather be given the first ten days of your child’s life off, or spent the next decade picking them up from school?

I would choose the latter. Why?

Because I have learned so much during this pandemic lockdown. Aside from the refresher on elementary math and middle school biology I’ve gleaned from helping my kids with distance learning, I’ve realized that I won’t be the same dad if I am forced to return to a full work week away from them.

I love seeing my kids’ smiles for more than in passing moments of daily busyness.

I want more.

Dads deserve more than 10 unpaid days with a newborn.

I would much rather work from home.

Photo: © Vadim Pastuh / Adobe Stock.

Men in New York took advantage of the state’s recently added paid family leave law in record numbers, according to a state agency overseeing worker compensation issues.

In 2018, the first year of the four-year-long phase-in for the law, more than 26,000 fathers in the Empire State took leave within the first 12 months of their child’s birth, adoption or foster placement. Compared to the first year of similar laws that have gone into effect in other states, New York had the highest overall participation rate and the highest percentage of men who used the benefit to bond with their children, according to the New York State Workers’ Compensation Board.

In its first year, the state paid family leave law covered more than 8.5 million working New Yorkers, and more than 128,000 people used the benefit.

“NY paid family leave has not only alleviated my financial fears and hardships but has allowed me to give my daughter the full care she deserves when she needs me the most,” said Brian W. of Williamstown, in a quote provided by the workers’ comp board. “I cannot say thank you enough for this life-changing program.”

In 2019, the law allows working New Yorkers to take off up to 10 weeks, without fear of losing their job, while receiving 55 percent of their average weekly wage, up to 55 percent of the Statewide Average Weekly Wage. Starting this January, the benefits increase to 60 percent of their average weekly wage with a maximum weekly benefit of $840.70. The phase-in ends in 2021 when employees will be eligible to take up to 12 weeks off at 67 percent of their average weekly wage, up to a cap of 67 percent of the Statewide Average Weekly Wage.

When New York’s paid family leave law first went into effect in 2018, only three other U.S. states had similar programs. The number has grown:

• New York, New Jersey, California, Rhode Island, and Washington have laws in effect
• Washington, D.C., has laws taking effect in 2020
• Connecticut starts in 2021
• Oregon begins in 2023

At least 21 states have considered paid family leave laws in the past two years, according to the Society for Human Resources Management, and the movement for federal legislation has been growing. Dove Men+Care, a longtime partner of City Dads Group, has been focused on the issue for the past year,  calling for people to sign a pledge for paid paternity leave and offering grants to fathers who don’t have paid paternity leave as an available option.

“Paid family leave shouldn’t be a luxury given to precious few! I am grateful to live in NY state,” said Tyler M. of Queens in a quote provided by the NY workers’ comp board.

Caring for and bonding with a new child isn’t the only life-changing event New York’s paid family leave law covers. It also provides paid time off and job protection for workers when a spouse, domestic partner, child or parent is called to active military service abroad or a family member needs care because of a serious health condition. Employees taking the time off are ensured they will have the same job (or a comparable one) when they return to work and also get to keep their health insurance while on leave, on the same terms as if they continued working.

Most employees who work in New York State for private employers are eligible to take paid family leave. Public employees may be covered if their employers opt-in to provide the benefit. Covered employees who work a regular schedule of 20 hours or more per week are eligible after 26 consecutive weeks of work with the same employer. Employees who work a regular schedule of fewer than 20 hours per week are eligible after working for their employer for 175 days, which do not have to be consecutive. Citizenship and immigration status are never factors in eligibility.

New York Paid Family Leave is insurance that is fully funded by employees through payroll deductions. The contribution rate is set each year by the state’s Department of Financial Services to match the cost of coverage. In 2020, the contribution will be 0.270% of an employee’s gross wages each pay period. The maximum annual contribution is $196.72.

More information on New York Paid Family Leave is available at https://paidfamilyleave.ny.gov/.

Photo: © anoushkatoronto / Adobe Stock.

City Dads Group members took to social media Tuesday to support efforts in Washington, D.C., to convince U.S. lawmakers of the importance of paid family leave and erasing the stigma of fathers taking time off to care for their children.

Nearly 50 of our dads and other fatherly friends used #Dadvocates, #PaidFamilyLeave and #PaternityLeavePledge on Twitter and Instagram to tell their stories about the need for parents to receive paid time off from work to care for their children, especially in those critical early weeks.

The online onslaught backed “Dads Day of Action,” an effort by longtime City Dads partner Dove Men+Care and PL+US (Paid Leave for the United States), a national organization campaigning for nationwide paid family leave laws by 2022. PL+US had been asking for people to share their family leave stories to strengthen its case for change.

“Dads Day of Action” saw a group of more than 40 fathers and other “Dadvocates” from across the country on Capitol Hill Tuesday lobbying key members of Congress on the issue. Many of these dads talked at length about their struggles to take time off when their families needed them and the challenges they faced balancing home and work life as new parents.

The group, led by advocate Alexis Ohanian — a co-founder of Reddit and husband of tennis superstar Serena Williams, held more than 20 meetings throughout the day, including ones with: U.S. Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand, D-N.Y., Marco Rubio, R-Fla., Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y. and Majority House Whip U.S. Rep. James Clyburn, D-S.C., representatives from several Democratic presidential candidates, and others to push for action.

Ohanian became committed to the paid paternity leave movement following his experience caring for his daughter following her 2017 birth and the many health complications his tennis star wife experienced following it, including being confined to bed for six weeks after her Cesarean section. He admits to being fortunate to being able to take advantage of Reddit’s 16-week paid family leave at the time.

The group’s work spreading the word received high praise on social media from celebrities like model Christy Turlington and prominent people such as philanthropist Melinda Gates.

In February, DM+C began a campaign pushing for paid paternity leave across the United States. It included asking individuals and businesses sign a Paternity Leave Pledge encouraging the creation and use of paid time off policies for new fathers. About 36,000 people signed that petition, which was presented at the Capitol on Tuesday.

The men’s grooming products company also:

• Created a Paternity Leave Fund that offers $5,000 grants to new fathers so they can spend time with their children without the financial worry of being away from work. The company plans to distribute $1 million in grants over two years.
• Launched Advocates for Paternity Leave, a closed Facebook group, for people wanting to help change federal laws. The group has more than 1,100 members.

Only 15 percent of U.S. men have access to paid paternity leave benefits and, according to the U.S. Department of Labor, most new dads don’t take their full time off — paid or unpaid. Recent studies by DM+C and others show that almost two-thirds of fathers surveyed said they have quit or would consider changing jobs to be more involved in caring for a newborn or adopted child during those critical early days, weeks and months.

My husband, Matthew, and I chose the surrogacy path to fatherhood. When we started our journey in November 2014, my employer provided six weeks of paternity leave to primary caregivers; Matthew’s only provided one day for the birth of a child.

Fast forward to January 2017. My employer, American Express, extended parental and paternity leave to 20 weeks to all care givers! In addition, it was paid paternity leave — at 100% pay — and your job remains protected for the duration — well beyond the protected, unpaid 12 weeks of leave made available to parents through the federal Family and Medical Leave Act.

I was very open about my plan to take the full 20 weeks when our son, Cole, was expected to arrive in January 2018. My colleagues, including those I reported to, were very supportive of my decision. In fact, I came across many dads — in and out of my workplace — who wished they had such an opportunity to take any paternity leave when their kids were born.   

Taking that time off to care and bond with Cole during those early months of his young life was important to us, especially since my husband had to return to work soon after the birth. While on leave, I used the time to introduce Cole to music through classes offered at a local studios. We also had fun attending “Daddy and Me” classes at a nearby children’s education center. The time away from work provided me with the opportunity to be the father to Cole that I never had growing up.  

I cherished this opportunity to be a pioneer and a leader to encourage other fathers-to-be to push for and take greater advantage of any paternity leave offered by their employer. I’m happy to report that more dads at my company are doing just that to maximize this precious time with their newborns.   

I believe that every dad should be provided a similar opportunity. As a member of NYC Dads Group, I learned about Dove Men+Care’s effort to make paid paternity leave available to all new dads. I encourage you to help by signing Dove Men+Care’s Pledge for Paternity Leave and joining the Advocates for Paternity Leave Facebook group.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Michael Andersen-Leavey, a member of the NYC Dads Group, is a human resources executive in New York City.

Disclosure: Dove Men+Care is a longtime partner of City Dads Group.

With Father’s Day nearing, Dove Men+Care wants to cultivate advocates for paid paternity leave through a newly created forum on social media.

The grooming products company, a longtime outreach partner with City Dads Group, has launched Advocates for Paternity Leave, a closed Facebook group. In this digital space, DM+C hopes expectant dads, families and other individual and business allies will find inspiration to help change federal laws regarding paid family leave, engage with other like-minded activists, and learn how to advocate for the cause, according to company spokespeople.

As part of this most recent component of the paternity leave campaign, members of City Dads Group chapters around the county will be asking people — via social media — to join the Facebook group and sign the Paternity Leave Pledge. (You can find these by searching for #PaternityLeavePledge on Twitter and Facebook.)

+ + Join ‘Advocates for Paternity Leave’ + +

Dove Men+Care hopes this forum, moderated by experts in family leave issues, will create a community of changemakers and activists armed with the tools to change the federal law. DM+C plans to bring in leading business executives to address the economic benefits and barriers related to the implementation of paid paternity leave benefits.

This move follows the Pledge for Paternity Leave drive Dove Men+Care began in February. The company asked for individuals and businesses to take a Paternity Leave Pledge to encourage the creation and use of paid time off policies for new fathers. More than 30,000 pledges have been collected in three months, according to company spokespeople.

+ + Sign the pledge + +

New research from Promundo, a leading global organization in promoting gender justice, shows that while men want to be involved caregivers they don’t always get to even when they have federal protection to do so:

• On average, 85 percent of fathers around the world say they would do anything to be more involved following the birth/adoption of their child.
• Even in the half of global countries offer paid leave, only a third of dads actually took their full entitlement.

The United States is the only industrialized nation without a federally mandated family leave policy. Seven states — California, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Jersey,  New York, Rhode Island, Washington — and the District of Columbia have passed paid family leave laws.

Only 15 percent of U.S. men have access to paid paternity leave benefits, and according to the U.S. Department of Labor, most new dads don’t take their full time off — paid or unpaid. Recent studies by DM+C and others show that almost two-thirds of fathers surveyed said they have quit or would consider changing jobs to be more involved in caring for a newborn or adopted child during those critical early days, weeks and months.

Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash

Even before becoming a dad, I always thought my role as a father was to be the family’s provider. I grew up in an environment where undoubtedly that was the case, and it was reinforced by the corporate environment where I started my career because the culture there highly valued money over time. Therefore, it’s no surprise that I grew fascinated with focusing on my career and making as much money as I could, even at the expense of my personal time.

Then — boom.

My wife and I had to deal with a series of health issues. First, it was mine: a serious case of shingles that evolved into neuralgia caused by the stress of working in a toxic environment. Some time after that, my wife had a serious flare-up of lupus, an autoimmune disease triggered by stress.

While my wife was ill, I still went to the office while she went to doctor’s appointments and dealt with the pain by herself. It was a rough period for us. As a man, I had so much pride that I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. Not family, friends, not co-workers. The investment properties we managed got neglected and we lost money every month. I became frustrated and anxious. Yet I didn’t want to give up my job for fear of not being able to provide.

After seeing less than minimal improvements in my wife’s health for about two months, I realized I wasn’t providing for my family in the way that really mattered. Was the priority of the household of the moment to focus on money? We had bills, of course, but there’s so much more to life than living to work. I should’ve been giving time — my time — instead.

Not giving time an unrecoverable loss

Many of us men have this perplexing thought in which we assume that just by being at work we are doing a service to our family. In reality, we can make a living in so many other ways that also allow you to be home so you can enjoy and help the people you love most.

So we made big decisions. We moved from Miami to Orlando to leave the stressful lifestyle we associated with the city and take advantage of the equity we had gained on a home we had purchased near there. I gathered the courage to quit my job only for my employer to be offer me an opportunity to hold on to it while working remotely.

I quickly began to realize how much time is wasted at an office.

My newly discovered free time helped relieve stresses for both of us. I worked when I was most productive, and I embraced things that I didn’t have time for before. I became more active in the household, and my wife and I focused on health by eating better, working out and trying to lead a less stressful lifestyle. After just a few months of focusing on ourselves and not our jobs, her lupus went into remission.

The lessons I learned from that period of my life still influence my decisions years later. Before having my daughter, I took a different job with a company where everyone worked remotely and offered better paternity leave. I started seeing my job as just a paycheck but, surprisingly, I was also doing well in it. Since my daughter’s birth, I’ve had titles such as senior marketing manager, VP of marketing and now “Head of Growth.” But when people ask what I do, first and foremost, I talk about being a dad. Then I’ll talk about our real estate investments and then, if I feel like it, I’ll talk about my job. I no longer tie my identity to my career, and it’s allowed me to break free from making decisions that only benefit a toxic patriarchal fantasy as opposed to doing what’s truly best for myself and my family.

Sometimes I fall into these periods where I find myself leaning toward working more hours than I should for my job only to be reminded that the best job I’ve ever had is being a father. At those moments, I close the computer, play with my kid and worry about getting stuff done later. The more I do this, the more productive I become in the time I do dedicate for work. And as loyal as I am to the companies that allow me to deliver results in this structure, I’ll happily walk away from a role, title or salary the second they take away from my job as a father. We can always downgrade our lifestyle and figure out ways to cut costs if need be, but I’ll never get back the time I didn’t give my family.

And now, as my wife and I embrace the lifestyle of work-from-home parents, we have our own chaos to manage in figuring out how to keep a house going and get jobs done with a high-energy, 2-year-old toddler. But while I do, I’ve got a happy little girl to smile at and a sexy, smart work-wife who also doubles as my real wife who also keeps me going with great conversations all day. Hours and minutes are currency I trade in now because I’ve found giving time is the best way to provide for my family.

Giving time photo by Foter.com.

Disclosure: City Dads Group received compensation from Dove Men+Care.

Paid parental leave is a major cause for City Dads Group, in particular, paid paternity leave for new fathers. Despite some progress in recent years, many men still face ridicule and diminished career prospects whenever they chose family over work even for something as momentous as the birth and upbringing of a baby.

Our longtime partner Dove Men+Care aims to push the conversation forward with a new campaign asking for individuals and businesses to take a Paternity Leave Pledge to encourage the creation and use of paid time off policies for new fathers.

The men’s grooming products company also put money where its heart is on this issue. It has created a Paternity Leave Fund that will offer $5,000 grants to new fathers so they can spend time with their children without the financial worry of being away from work.

+ + Sign the Paid Paternity Leave pledge + +

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“Since we launched in 2010, the Dove Men+Care brand has communicated that modern masculinity is defined by the way men care,” Nick Soukas, vice president of skin cleansing and baby care for DM+C parent company Unilever, said in a news release. “By supporting this important initiative, our goal is to increase utilization rates of paid paternity leave for those men who have access to it and encourage other companies to come together and offer men paid paternity leave so they can take the time to care for their families.”

Only 15 percent of U.S. men have access to paid paternity leave benefits and, according to the U.S. Department of Labor, most new dads don’t take their full time off — paid or unpaid. Recent studies by DM+C and others show that almost two-thirds of fathers surveyed said they have quit or would consider changing jobs to be more involved in caring for a newborn or adopted child during those critical early days, weeks and months. 

Some progress has been made, especially in the past year. Starbucks, Lowe’s, CVS and Walmart are some of the major companies that have expanded or created new family leave policies, many of which focus on fathers.

City Dads faces of paid paternity leave promotion

As part of the campaign, several members of City Dads Group chapters around the county have been posting photos on social media and telling their paternity leave stories.  They are also asking others to sign the Paternity Leave Pledge and spreading the word about the new grant program offered by Dove Men+Care. (You can find these by searching for #PaternityLeavePledge on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.)

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Two members of our chapters and their children have also become the literal faces of the campaign. As shown in the photo at the top of this post, Brandon Billinger, bottom left, of the Kansas City Dads Group and Darren W. Carter, bottom right, organizer of our Cleveland Dads Group, appear in Dove Men+Care promotional materials. Their images appear on the DM+C  website and have shown up in articles on the websites for People magazine and CNN among others.

Paternity Leave grants soon available

Dove Men+Care, which first launched its push for paternity leave in June 2018, started its Paternity Leave Fund recently with a commitment to raise at least $1 million for U.S. dads over the next two years. The fund will offer $5,000 grants to fathers who do not have access to paid paternity leave so they can be home to spend time with their new children.

“Working dads shouldn’t have to choose between their children and a paycheck — because when they take paternity leave, it benefits families, workplaces and communities,” DM+C states on its website.

+ + Apply for a $5,000 Paternity Leave grant + +

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