Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. This one about broken friendships comes from 2016.

To excited first-time parents-to-be, I would offer encouragement and well wishes, but a bit of sobering advice as well: Be prepared to lose some friends. Most experienced parents know of this phenomenon of broken friendships. I think this effect is felt even more acutely by gay parents.

Fact: I have lost more friends becoming a gay parent than I have coming out as gay in the first place.

I have always been a bit of a nerd. In grade school, I wasn’t a popular kid, but I mingled with a group of similarly studious friends. Two of my best friends, “Rich” and “Nick” remained tight with me even after we all went to different colleges. When I came out of the closet in college, I was pleased both were accepting of me and remained close friends well into adulthood.

Rich and Nick were in turn friendly when I introduced them to my partner, Josh. Even though the three of us lived in different places, when we visited we would all hang out together like old times. Nick would share his girlfriend problems. Rich invited Josh and me to celebrate his engagement and his wedding to his wife. It was around this time that Josh and I started talking about having children in earnest.

Just like Rich and Nick shared their major life events with us, Josh and I were excited to share about this endeavor with them. Rich was clearly in a happy place in his life and was happy for us when we shared the news. I remember calling Nick to giddily tell him how Josh and I were going to California to look into gestational surrogacy.

My heart sank when he responded by saying, “Why are you telling me this?”

Change in status, change in attitude

It became clear Nick did not understand why we would ever want to have children. He was not particularly happy for us. I ended the rapidly deteriorating conversation and hung up before it became an argument.

We exchanged superficial pleasantries at Rich’s wedding, and then we did not speak for about two years. Around the time that we were planning our children’s first birthday party, I received an email from Nick. He asked, “Whatever happened between us?” As if he was oblivious to how my feelings were deeply hurt.

I responded angrily. He knew very well what happened.

Nick responded, stating openly what I knew to be the truth all along: He disagreed with two men raising children. He thought it would adversely affect children to be raised in a non-traditional household.

In retrospect, I believe Nick was fine with the novelty of having gay friends who hung out in gay bars doing stereotypically gay things. However, as soon as his gay friends decided to be real people and live their lives outside of a socially acceptable second-class box, he became disapproving.

After our children were born, many good friends, most of them gay, faded away more slowly. In our first few years living in Florida, Josh and I had amassed a large group of gay friends. Most had no interest in having children, but they were all happy for us when we announced we were expecting.

After AJ and JJ were born, I appreciated that these friends continued to invite us to events. Because we were busy with twin babies, though, we would either pass or send one of us out to have fun while the other stayed with the kids. Inevitably, the invitations became fewer and far between. More broken friendships, but unlike with Nick, no hard feelings were involved, so I don’t fault these friends in the slightest. Our unusual situation as gay guys with kids just didn’t fit into their social calendars neatly. That’s OK.

Losing so many friends over the years both gay and straight, either suddenly or slowly over the years, I have only a touch of sadness. In place of these friends, I have a large beautiful family.  These four children bring me unlimited and enduring joy and fulfillment.

About the author

David Hu, left, is a proud father of multiple multiples. He and his partner twice went through the gestational surrogacy process, creating a family with two sets of twins. This post was originally published on David’s blog, Rock And Ledge, and on City Dads Group via our partnership with The Handsome Father. Main photo: © ROBERT/ Adobe Stock.

Editor’s Note: City Dads Group is proud to occasionally feature writing from members of The Handsome Father, a support community that helps connect, prepare and inspire gay fathers. In this piece, Patrick Roth writes about the Christmas wishes he has for his children.

Always strive to see the good in the world.

It’s easy to read the headlines of the day and see only darkness. There is hatred, intolerance, corruption and destruction all around us. But there is also love, acceptance, honesty and creation. The good outweighs the bad in big and little ways every day. Neighbors offer their hands to those in need. Nations offer their wealth to those in crisis. More often than not, mankind moves forward, not backward. It may be hard at times to see, but the good is always there for those who look.

Work to BE the good in our world.

We lead best when we lead by example. If you have Christmas wishes for a better world to live in, then be that example. Focus on what is good in others. Ask how you can help. Know that you are fortunate and want to share that fortune with your fellow man. Something as simple as looking someone in the eye and saying hello can sometimes be the difference between life and death. We are all connected. Strive to make those connections good ones because you never know how the smallest gesture, good or bad, will resonate with others. 

Recognize the value of you.

Our culture often puts too much importance on looks or fame or wealth. None of that matters. Being you, being here, makes you just as valuable as ANYONE else in this world. Never feel you have to look a certain way, hold a certain title, or have a particular amount of money to be relevant. The spark that is inside of you is here for a reason, and the fact that you are here is reason enough to matter. Live, love, and be. There is great value in simply that.

Never be afraid to stop and breathe.

Life can be crazy and hectic and sometimes overwhelming. If you spend all your time rushing to the next event or goal or moment, you can’t truly appreciate the one you’re in. There is beauty and peace in nature, music, and even silence. Know that you can close your eyes, take a deep breath, and commit to the moment. Whether it is to regroup and settle and your thoughts or to validate and enjoy the moment you’re in, simply stopping has great value. Take the time to live the life you’ve been given.

Know that you are loved. 

Most importantly, and because it fuels so much of what I wish for you above, know that you are loved beyond words. Relationships can be difficult and anger may arise, but the core of what I feel for you is always love. I want you to be healthy. I want you to be happy. I want you just to be. The privilege of being your father is an enormous gift, and I am thankful for it every day of my life. Never, for a single moment, doubt that I love you and that I always will.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Patrick Roth became a father in 1998. He lives in Austin with his family — husband Wade, daughter Julia and son Cephren.

Christmas wishes photo: Philippe_ via photopin (license)

Editor’s Note: City Dads Group is proud to occasionally feature writing from members of The Handsome Father, a support community that helps connect, prepare and inspire gay fathers. In this piece, Patrick Roth writes about letting his new husband into his daughter’s life.

I was a single parent during my daughter’s preschool years. It was a period of transition for us. We moved from the West Coast to the Midwest, contracted to build our first house and learned to live with the new dynamic of single dad and his little girl. I can remember tucking her in, reading bedtime stories and kissing her goodnight, only to wake the next morning to find a head of curly blonde hair on the pillow next to me. She would sneak in, ninja-like, in the middle of the night to crawl in bed with Daddy.

During that time, I was so focused on being a father that I didn’t give much thought to having a partner. I had learned to be content being single, was thrilled being a dad and totally absorbed in our daily routine. As these things tend to happen, I found THE guy when I wasn’t looking. He wasn’t looking for a partner either, and certainly not for an instant family, so naturally we fell for each other.

He knew I had a daughter from the beginning, but he didn’t meet her until he and I started to get close. I was very careful who I allowed in my child’s life. When they did meet, he was introduced as “Daddy’s friend.” She actually called him “Friend” for the first year or so. I knew he had potential because of how much they adored each other right away. Still, he didn’t spend the night until she asked if he wanted to come for a sleepover.

When we met, I had my own home and he had his. We were each established, stable and content with our lives. Neither of us wanted a “let’s live together” relationship and I wasn’t about to move someone in and let my daughter get attached to them unless I thought it was forever. We agreed that if we were to live together, it would only be if we decided to get married and commit our lives to each other. This was around the time that Canada legalized same-sex marriage. We married in a park in Vancouver with our adorable little flower girl at our side.

Pops enters the picture

Still, for the first few years together, she was MY daughter. While he was a fully committed and involved stepfather, all major decisions about her where mine to make. Even after she began calling him Pops, I had her long-term happiness and stability to think about. In my will, she would go and live with my mother if anything happened to me. At the time, she had known Grandma all her life, but Pops for only a couple of years. We knew that eventually it would be better for her to stay with him, but there were no set guidelines for when that would be.

After several years as a family, Pops asked to adopt her and officially be her parent. Coincidentally, the court date was set for the same day as our wedding anniversary. I remember him looking at me and saying “you realize this means you’ll have to start letting me make decisions for her too, right?” He’d tell you I still struggle with that.

We are 12 years into Pops being in our daughter’s life, more than twice as long she was alive before they met. We are completely and legally a family. He has all the same rights and responsibilities of a father as I do, but if I’m being completely honest, I will always think of her as my daughter. The time spent when it was just the two of us left a permanent and particular mark on my heart. I can never fully let go of that.

Now our family is even bigger. Pops and I jointly adopted a son last year. Even though I look back at my time as a single parent with warm memories of special times spent with Daddy’s little girl, I can’t imagine how I could have made it through the last 12 years without her Pops. I would certainly not have a son if not for him. His strength, compassion and commitment have been lifesavers for me and our daughter in so many ways.

That’s a funny thing about the human heart. No matter how full of love it is, there is always room for more. Me and my daughter became us and our daughter. Then it became us and our children.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Patrick Roth became a father in 1998. He lives in Austin with his family — husband Wade, daughter Julia and son Cephren.

City Dads Group, a national support and social network that helps men navigate fatherhood, and The Handsome Father, a support community that helps connect, prepare and inspire gay fathers, have agreed to work together in their joint mission to modernize people’s view of fatherhood.

“Our two organizations share a passion for supporting dads who play an active role in their children’s lives and challenging stereotypes about fatherhood,” Handsome Father co-founders Andy Miller and Brian Stephens said in a written statement. “What makes City Dads Group the perfect partner for The Handsome Father is that they are committed to ensuring their in-person meet-up groups are welcoming and accepting of all fathers, including gay fathers.”

City Dads Group co-founder Matt Schneider said, “From the moment I met Andy and Brian, I knew they were building a unique and special community with important resources for gay dads and gay dads-to-be. We are very supportive of The Handsome Father’s mission, and we are proud that they are trusting City Dads Group and its diverse membership to be a resource for the community they have built.”

By working with City Dads Group and its national network of outposts in 17 major U.S. metropolitan areas, The Handsome Father will be able to give its community more options to connect locally with other modern dads for support and social activities. City Dads Group — which has large chapters in New York City, Denver, Chicago, Philadelphia and Los Angeles — broadens its membership and support resources by working with The Handsome Father.

“We know firsthand as gay dads that it can be extremely difficult to find other families like ours,” Miller and Stephens said. “As dads who are also primary caregivers, it can also be difficult to not get lost in a sea of moms. So, we realize the power of sharing experiences and having the support of other fathers. City Dads Group offers dads of all stripes support, not just online but also in real life, making them a perfect match for us.”

City Dads organizes group play dates and events, “Dads’ Nights Out,” parental educational workshops and much more for its members. The flagship New York City group also offers “New Dad Boot Camp” to teach new and soon-to-be fathers how to care for the child and be better parenting partners.

City Dads Group is a dynamic and diverse community of fathers redefining, by example, what it means to be a dad in the 21st century. Founded in November 2008 in New York City as a way a handful of fathers could arrange playdates and outings with their children, the organization went national in spring 2014. City Dads Group has 4,000 members who bond over their children and a desire to change the face of modern fatherhood through word, deed, and example.

The Handsome Father, officially launched in April 2014 as the culmination of seven years of work and preparation, aims to build a community of support for gay fathers no matter their path to fatherhood: foster care, adoption, surrogacy, co-parenting with a woman, or biological children from a heterosexual relationship.

Caring for the kids, doing chores around the home, and working hard to provide financially for the family – today’s fathers must do it all.

City Dads Group and A Better Balance, a work and family advocacy center, offer help doing so in the latest Modern Dads Podcast – “The Modern Dads’ Juggle.” 

This podcast, the audio of our recent webinar of the same name, has a panel of pros dispensing advice on:

• using employer policies and the law to support men considering starting a family
• paternity leave
• flexible work schedules
• caring for sick kids while holding a job.

The Working Dad’s Survival Guide author Scott Behson is among the speakers offers tips and resources to help dads be their our own best advocates in the workplace. He is a professor of management at Fairleigh Dickinson University, national expert in work and family issues, and was a featured speaker at the White House Summit on Working Families and at the United Nations International Day of the Family. He  founded and runs the popular blog, Fathers, Work, and Family, dedicated to helping working fathers and encouraging more supportive workplaces. He writes regularly for the Harvard Business Review, Huffington Post and Good Men Project, and has also been published in TIME, Success, Fast Company and The Wall Street Journal.     

A Better Balance leverages the power of the law to ensure that no worker has to make the impossible choice between their job and their family. We lead the charge for policies that help families, including paid sick leave and family leave, flexible work, pay equity, and policies that combat discrimination based on pregnancy and family status. Our efforts help people who work outside and inside the home achieve a better balance between providing for their families and caring for them. We believe that when all working parents and caregivers have a fair shot in the workplace, our families, our communities, and our nation are healthier and stronger.

Listen to The Modern Dads’ Juggle, the latest episode of our Modern Dads Podcast.

Download the presentations notes to the Modern Dad’s Juggle Webinar.

Special thanks to our friends at The Handsome Father, Dad 2.0 Summit and Life of Dad for co-sponsoring this webinar.

Editor’s Note: To celebrate Mother’s Day, we asked our friends in the dad-o-sphere and beyond what was the greatest lesson their mom taught them that they apply to their own children. Here’s the first wave of responses. Come back tomorrow for more. – KMcK.

Amateur expert
My mom taught me to play soccer. My mom didn’t know anything about soccer other than that it involved a ball people kick with their feet for some reason, but that was enough for her to spend hours every day kicking the ball around with me. And that was enough to give me a lifelong love of soccer and a lifelong appreciation of my mom’s dedication.

My mom taught me you don’t have to be an expert at anything to be a good parent. You want your kids to love playing music? Get them a cheap guitar and show them the two chords you barely know. You want them to love science? Show them the one easy experiment you saw on YouTube. You want your kids to love writing? Sit down with them, make up a story and write it down. Your kids’ passions won’t come from seeing you excel, but from seeing you get involved.

– Oren Miller, blogger – A Blogger and a Father; @bloggerfather

Dedication and imagination
My mother taught me enough dedication and imagination for a two-parent family. She raised me and my brother by herself. My sons are the beneficiaries of so much more love as the result of her parenting and my experience as a father, so far, couldn’t have been as full and embracive without her influence. My mother helped teach me to be a loving father.

– Charlie Capen;
actor, blogger – HowToBeADad.com;
@howtobeadad

Be available
My mom was the one in the neighborhood who always was available to drive to and from any activity, and she insisted on taking anyone home who did not have a ride. She worked full-time as an elementary school teacher but always managed to make the time, be there for anything and everything, and show sincere interest. She was also welcome at all sporting events until the day she walked on a wrestling mat to tell the referee how to do his job. After that she was banned – LOL. Because of her example of always being available, I am the one my girls look to whenever they need a ride anywhere, even Philadelphia and Boston to visit camp friends … if I am in town, they can count on me driving.

– Ted Rubin, social marketing strategist,
brand evangelist – TedRubin.com, acting CMO of Brand Innovators;@TedRubin

The power of speech
One of the things I remember clearly from my childhood is how my mother spoke to me. As early as I can remember, my mother spoke to me in a way that treated me less like a baby and more like a developing young man. We were certainly not peers, so let’s be clear about that. But, my mother wanted me to develop my language skills and expand my vocabulary, so that I might be able to express my thoughts and feelings clearly.

My wife and I have since applied this philosophy into our parenting. Our 3-year-old daughter articulates her thoughts clearly, listens well and is advanced verbally for her age. I believe this is due in large part to how we have spoken to her since birth. Thank you, Mom, for showing me that this is a sound and impactful parenting style. Your granddaughter thanks you, too!

– Christopher Persley; English teacher, educational consultant,
blogger – The Brown Gothamite, member – NYC Dads Group; @BrownGothamite

Give them space to grow
One of the most valuable lessons I learned from my mother was to give your kids space to develop their own interests, and once they do, you do whatever you can to support them in the pursuit of it. I was read to from a very early age and quickly became enamored with comic books once I could read myself. From there my interests expanded to include drawing and art. I remember my mom carting me all over town to convenience stores and flea markets find comics and searching art supply stores for the right paper and pencils. I would run home and retreat to my room for hours reading and drawing.

I am sure my mom would have rather me hang out with the rest of the family and be social, but she saw how passionate I was about drawing and supported me unconditionally. I am keeping a close eye on our son to see what he becomes passionate about, but it’s hard when kids today get scheduled to do so much. I often wonder, “Is this something he really wants to be doing or is the schedule keeping him from discovering his passion?”

– Andy Miller; father to Clark, husband to Brian,
co-founder of The Handsome Father

Acceptance
My mom taught me that it was OK to be who I was. If I’m a good person and do the right thing it doesn’t matter what other people think. I try to take that lesson with me in my interactions and relationships today. Accepting people for who they are.

– Daniel T. Monk Pelfrey;
blogger – Post Post Modern Dad; @ppmdad