It’s another small victory for parent-kind.

The New York Times‘ parenting site has changed names from “Motherlode” to “Well Family,” in part to recognize fathers and all family members who participate in the raising of child, according to the site’s manager and lead columnist KJ Dell’Antonia. She made the announcement in a March 3 article on the Times’ website.

“When The New York Times started Motherlode in 2008, the name was a play on words that marked our entry into the world of parenting blogs. But like many readers, I questioned the name of a parenting report that, by definition, seemed to exclude half of all parents,” she wrote.

“Over the past few years, our vision of what it means to be a family has changed, and it has also become clear that the name Motherlode is more than a little at odds with the larger conversation, which includes mothers, fathers, step parents, grandparents, children, siblings, friends, pets and every possible variation on family,” Dell’Antonia wrote, also adding that the site had long “challenged the notion that parenting is a women’s issue.”

We couldn’t agree more.

This is the second major name change in recent months that reflects the evolving mainstream perception of a father’s role in parenting. In December, online retailer Amazon’s discount U.S. child-care discount program from “Amazon Mom” to “Amazon Family”.

In recent years, the media and entertainment worlds have playing catch with the real world when it comes to fathers being active participants in their children’s lives. Dads are no longer routinely portrayed in advertising, movies or TV as clueless as to how to care for a child. Instead, men are regularly shown as hands-on participants in the day-to-day upbringing their kids.

Nearly seven years ago, I started my tenure as an at-home dad. Early on, I felt fairly isolated, but was comforted knowing that I wasn’t alone when I found websites like Jeremy Adam Smith’s Daddy Dialectic, and Brian Reid‘s now defunct Rebeldad. I often sent Brian articles about dads that I found, and more often than not, a few days later he posted his unique take on the dad news of the day.

Lance and I are now very lucky to be in the position of having people send us the news that they are finding about dads, and we’ve never received more e-mails and social media pings than we did for the revelation by Motherlode blogger, KJ Dell’Antonia, that the Federal Census Bureau counts moms as the “designated parent”, and dads as a “child-care arrangement.” 

I was hoping that it was merely an oversite that no one had bothered to change the labels to reflect the fact that families have changed since the 1950s, and recognize that dads are taking an increasingly active parenting role. Unfortunately, the laziness is not limited to a bureaucratic glitch, but rather the antiquated mindset of the bureaucrat in charge of the study. As KJ Dell-Antonia reports:

“Regardless of how much families have changed over the last 50 years women are still primarily responsible for work in the home,” said Lynda Laughlin of the Census Bureau’s Fertility and Family Statistics Branch. “We try to look at child care as more of a form of work support.” A mother, said Ms. Laughlin, is “not only caring for the child only while Dad works. She’s probably caring for the child 24 hours and so Dad is able to go to work regardless.” (emphasis mine)

and goes on to report:

Ms. Laughlin assured me that the Census Bureau is just trying to collect accurate data on how “designated parents” arrange care for their children while they’re at school or at work based on “gender norms. 

As you can imagine, this has raised a few eyebrows from moms and dads that like to think that the parenting responsibility is held by moms AND dads. The good folks at Daddyshome, Inc., a non-profit advocacy group, has come up with a way to encourage the Census Bureau to update their report (and their mindset). As Al Watts, President of Daddyshome, said in an e-mail to dads around the country:

The Board of Daddyshome strongly disagrees with these assumptions and believes it is time for the Census to change them. Culturally, this assumption that dads are a “child care arrangement,” similar to babysitters, does not adequately define the dramatic increase in involved fatherhood in the 21st century. Methodologically, this assumption fails to provide an accurate picture of how families are navigating child care and financial responsibilities. 

They have created an online petition that will be sent to the Census Bureau and Congress that allows moms and dads to voice their encouragement for change. We hope you will consider signing and sharing the petition found here: http://www.change.org/petitions/dads-dont-babysit

Thanks to Matt S. for continually steering us in the right direction on some amazing local parenting articles.  In Matt’s words, this one is “outstanding.”  I believe it to be some of the most relevant content regarding fatherhood and I am excited to share it with others as well.

As an at-home dad and very involved parent, I embrace parenting concepts like Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules For a New Generation of Parents by Marc & Amy Vachon.  Equally Shared Parenting enables my wife and I to both “dig” into parenting so we reap it’s countless rewards (and scary challenges).  We are teammates!  

Attention all parents! You MUST read Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode Post, Parents as Teammates.  For one, it is a guest post written by Amy & Marc Vachon.  Two, it is powerful, easy to relate to, and full of truth.  One of those articles you read, where you catch yourself continually nodding your head in agreement.  Lastly, the Vachon’s offer very practical advice that most parents can try out (even though it will be a challenging task for many families).  Yep, they gently nudge the mom’s to start supporting dad as equal status and poke the dads to start digging into fatherhood.  For dad: “This means getting busy getting competent. Here we have the same principle that works everywhere else in life — at work, in sports, in the bedroom: success and enjoyment come not from faking one’s way through the motions, but from knowledge, skills development, and experience.”

Satisfaction doesn’t happen if he takes the easy way out when the going gets tough — when the kids scream to bring back Mom at bath time, when Mom seems so much “better” at packing a toddler-friendly lunch or handling a tantrum or when faced with a whole weekend of solo parenting. It won’t work to simply mimic how others act either; he needs to develop his own sustainable style of relating to his kids. Hiding behind apathy or incompetence is a lonely way of life. Getting good at anything worthwhile makes anyone feel great — because it is authentic.

Sure, this advice may be easier for dads in my position who are already the primary caregiver, but all dads should read this with an open mind.  You will be glad you did…

Hanging out frequently with a group of dads results in interesting conversations about the language used in referring to fatherhood. Quite simply, most of the guys enjoy the respect they receive for being involved fathers. It’s not their motivation behind daddying – they really embrace the quality and valuable time spent with their children. That said, they are not always pleased with the language that surrounds fatherhood.

The language debate: the overused term “Mr. Mom” or “Daddy Daycare”, referring to a dad who is the primary caregiver for their child is frequently used because many people don’t know what the proper term to use is. At least, that is the answer I get when I ask these people why they use those terms rather than “modern man” or “involved dad” or “at-home-dad.” I don’t get angry or blame most of these people because they are spewing terms over-utilized by the media. Sometimes it is not even the language used, it is “the look” or expression of shock and awe as six dads enter together into a crowded playground.

Another ‘language’ topic of discussion: Walking by most children’s venues, you will observe flyers advertising their “mommy & me” classes often ignoring the word dad or the term “parent & me.” Again, not laying complete blame for many of these venues because the majority of people who participate in their classes are moms or female nannies. If more venues started supporting dads in the language that they use, most likely, they will see an increase in fathers feeling more welcome and participating. This slow shift is starting to occur and will take many years to become more balanced.

About a year ago there was an article published on Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode Blog, that speaks very well to this topic about changing the language of fatherhood – it was a guest post aptly named Daddy & Me by Paul Hankes Drielsma.

This riddle was used at the conclusion of the article:

A child walks into an ice cream shop with one of her parents. After handing the girl her ice cream cone, the person behind the counter turns to the parent with a smile and asks, “Babysitting today?”
Which parent is with the girl?

Some people get very upset with the “misused” terms regarding fatherhood. Others don’t care what people say. Where do you stand? Do you get irked when referred to as “Mr. Mom” or it’s assumed that you are just “babysitting today?” Have you noticed a positive change in the language used toward fatherhood?

The New York Times enlightens me again! Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers) By LAURIE TARKAN was published in the NY Times Health Section this week. I found the article so thought-provoking about how I approach parenting with my wife that I had to read it several times.

Many of the articles and research published lately points toward having dad more involved & engaged in parenting. These reports state that having fathers more involved in parenting decreases the chances for your child to suffer from depression, hyperactivity, or acting out.

This particular article describes a different type of parenting research focusing more on the happiness of the couple. “In the last 20 years, everyone’s been talking about how important it is for fathers to be involved,” said Sara S. McLanahan, a professor of sociology and public affairs at Princeton. “But now the idea is that the better the couple gets along (willingness to compromise, expressing affection or love for their partner, encouraging or helping partners to do things that were important to them, and having an absence of insults and criticism), the better it is for the child.”

The article also describes the concept of a turf battle where the moms act as “gatekeepers” toward parenting. “As much as mothers want their partners to be involved with their children, experts say they often unintentionally discourage men from doing so. Because mothering is their realm, some women micromanage fathers and expect them to do things their way, said Marsha Kline Pruett, a professor at the Smith College School for Social Work at Smith College and a co-author of the new book “Partnership Parenting,” with her husband, the child psychiatrist Dr. Kyle Pruett (Da Capo Press). This gatekeeper concept was discussed even further by Lisa Belkin interviewing Kline & Kyle Pruett in a separate article and podcast on Lisa’s awesome Motherlode Blog, in a posting titled, Making Room for Dad.

After reading this article, I am aware that it is important for me to focus on my child, but equally, as if not more important, to focus on being a great husband & maintaining a solid relationship with my wife. Getting that babysitter for date night is of paramount importance. However, I must admit my shortcomings – I need to hone my skills in being an active listener and better communicator of my feelings.