parenting equality Archives - City Dads Group https://citydadsgroup.com/tag/parenting-equality/ Navigating Fatherhood Together Wed, 01 May 2024 15:56:04 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7.1 https://i0.wp.com/citydadsgroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/CityDads_Favicon.jpg?fit=32%2C32&ssl=1 parenting equality Archives - City Dads Group https://citydadsgroup.com/tag/parenting-equality/ 32 32 105029198 Gender Gap Closure, Increased Parenting Equality Dad Goals for Shut-In https://citydadsgroup.com/gender-gap-housework-parenting-coronavirus/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=gender-gap-housework-parenting-coronavirus https://citydadsgroup.com/gender-gap-housework-parenting-coronavirus/#respond Wed, 15 Apr 2020 11:30:26 +0000 https://citydadsgroup.com/?p=786809
dad teaches son to wash dishings gender gap closure

Shame on all dads if this COVID-19 shut-in doesn’t forever close the gender gap with our wives in the battle for household-related equity.

Let’s admit it: While today’s dads help far more around the house than our fathers did – nearly three times as much — most still are not doing their fair share. Women in the United States spend on average of 72 minutes more a day than men doing housework and performing childcare tasks, according to the most recent U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistic data. On any given day, 22% of men reported doing housework, such as cleaning or laundry, whereas 50% of women reported doing the same; days when 43% of men did food preparation or cleanup activities, 70 percent of women also did.

Pulling even, however, is not only about performing more of these routine chores we should already be doing. I can best illustrate what I mean by describing my pre-pandemic morning routine.

Each weekday during the school year, I’d help get the kids’ breakfast together before unceremoniously exiting just as my five children reach a fevered pitch of gathering books and papers while snarfing their Cheerios. With a quick glance and a confident, “Welp, gotta go! Have a great day, all,” I’d leave, and turn off my dad switch for the next eight hours or so.

My wife, on the other hand, has no such shut-off switch. Even though she holds down a part-time job while attending graduate school, she does not convince herself that once she physically sends the kids on their way that she can mentally do the same. This subconscious difference, this ability to compartmentalize, is a major reason dads and moms don’t always perform an equal share of familial burdens.

Children bear witness to parental gender gap

The kids see me leave before their mom for work each day. Why wouldn’t they automatically assume that my job must be more valuable, more important and less interruptible than mom’s work?

I’m also gone from home for a longer period of time most days. As a result, my children instinctually ask their mother to help them with homework, chaperone a class field trip or to take them to the next assembly — even if I am there and available to lend a hand.

Topping it off, my five little ones have heard me outwardly relish the escape going to the office provides me. “Sitting in gridlock beats listening to this middle-school bickering any day!” I might say. How can they take me seriously as an equal household/parenting partner if I charge out the door snickering about my rank in the pecking order?

As seen each day through the eyes of my kids, my work is a more important piece of my life and ours as a family than their mother’s is. This coronavirus pandemic can change that – and it must.

Parents in dual-income families like mine are now on equally clumsy footing. Together, we struggle to homeschool our kids while juggling our professional responsibilities. Gone is the daily respite of leaving for the office. I’m at home indefinitely with my family, my dad switch locked in the “on” position. I have no choice but to be up to the challenge or risk forever losing credibility in the eyes of my kids as being on the same level as their mom when it comes to being a true caregiver.

But our dad switches must also stay steadfastly on when this awful, disruptive virus finally relents. That is when the rubber will indeed hit the road.

This is the same rubber we dads should be telling our teens to use during our “birds and bees” sex discussion.

It’s the same road in front of our homes that should serve as a makeshift baseball diamond where we play catch with our sons and daughters whenever we can.

It’s attending the next PTA meeting where a dad’s perspective should be welcomed and appreciated.

It’s taking home our newborns without the worry about having to hurry back to work the following day.

Pulling even is bigger than just doing so in my household or yours. It’s a global need to close the gender gap on issue of parenting equality. It means overcoming decades of conscious efforts and subconscious thinking that make people believe fathers are inferior as caregivers. This will allow us to garner the credibility needed to tackle bigger issues at the root of household gender equity — issues like requiring men’s restrooms to be equipped to allow us to change our infant’s diapers; guaranteed universal, paid paternal leave; and ensuring a fair balance on the legal scales of custodial courts.

COVID-19 can help change fatherhood forever if dads make it so. Shame on us if we don’t.

Photo: © micromonkey / Adobe Stock.

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Email Amazon CEO to Change ‘Amazon Mom’ Name https://citydadsgroup.com/email-jeff-bezos-to-change-amazon-mom-family/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=email-jeff-bezos-to-change-amazon-mom-family https://citydadsgroup.com/email-jeff-bezos-to-change-amazon-mom-family/#respond Tue, 10 Mar 2015 14:30:06 +0000 http://citydadsgrpstg.wpengine.com/?p=49917

contact jeff bezos Amazon Mom

For the past week, hundreds of members of the dad blogging community, their friends and their families have been using social media to petition online retailer Amazon to change the name of its “Amazon Mom” program in the United States to the more inclusive “Amazon Family.” The program, which offers discounts on child care products, already goes by this name in the United Kingdom, France, Japan and Germany among others. It is unclear why the program doesn’t use this name in the United States.

Despite the thousands of tweets, blog posts and Facebook posts and numerous reports by major media outlets, Amazon has yet to comment – not even with a “no comment.”

Here’s some of the coverage, which features several City Dads Group members

You can help the campaign to make “Amazon Family” a reality in these ways:

Amazon Mom Jeff Bezos innovate quotes

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Lies about Dads – Here are 14 Major Fatherhood Offenders https://citydadsgroup.com/14-lies-about-dads/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=14-lies-about-dads https://citydadsgroup.com/14-lies-about-dads/#comments Wed, 18 Feb 2015 14:30:25 +0000 http://citydadsgrpstg.wpengine.com/?p=34763
signs of lying or truth telling lies about dads

Lies About Dads

1. Dads are bumbling idiots

Dads have, as a group, never really been the bumbling idiots they’ve been portrayed to be in outdated advertising and lowest-common-denominator sitcoms — even if some men have found playing the buffoon is a good way to get out of what they saw as less-than-pleasant responsibilities. But the rest of us got the message a long time ago. We know we can do better than that, and we ARE better than that.

(Note: Dad being a goofball sometimes? Not the same. We can laugh at ourselves and not take ourselves too seriously, without being presented as some sort of drooling man-child.)

2. Dads are not naturally nurturing and capable with infants

One of the worst lies about dads. While women enter parenting with the benefit of an influx of hormones that may make them more naturally nurturing or help them bond with the baby quicker, most of what makes moms seemingly better at the whole parenting thing is years and years of conditioning.

Your average new mom had been encouraged as a young girl to play with dolls. This woman has been taught to care for babies and children. She has pursued babysitting jobs in expectation that someday she’ll have kids of her own. She has probably had friends give birth and spent time with their newborns. Then, when her own pregnancy hit, she was flooded with advice and books and classes and baby showers and people from every corner of her life telling her “You can do this! You are going to be so great!” and fielding any and every question she could ever have. By the time the baby is born, she is as ready as possible and confident (even if terrified) that she was made for this.

Dad, on the other hand, has likely spent most of his life not being expected to have anything to do with babies. Chances are his newborn is the first baby he has ever held, never mind been responsible for keeping fed, cleaned, and alive.

So yes, a learning curve exists for dads that may initially be steeper than that of new moms. But if the dad is engaged and allowed to learn, he will quickly make up that ground.

3. Dads can’t be trusted around children (especially other people’s children)

Don’t fall for the most sexist of lies about dads. Dads, and men in general, are as safe as caregivers for both their own kids and other people’s kids. The suggestion that a child in the care of a dad puts them at risk is completely false. It’s also extremely damaging to that child’s perceptions about men. If you choose not to leave your child in the care of a man, let it be because he has given you a reason other than because he is not a mom.

4. Dads should stick to their main parenting role: providing money

Of all the lies about dads, this one has been taken for granted for generations. Certainly, there was a time when society was structured so that only men could make a living wage that could support a family. It made sense that being the breadwinner was a role a husband and father had to take on. But times have changed. Women are equally as capable of finding success in the workplace and making an income that supports a family. Besides, there are far, far more important things that a dad “provides” for his family than money. Dads are not wage slaves just because they have XY chromosomes. Their worth is not counted by the dollars they make. What they provide in time, engagement, love, care, instruction, example, and encouragement are all exceedingly more important than their income.

5. Dads who show the slightest competence at childcare are “Super Dads”

For all that I do, I am not a Super Dad, even if I am often mistaken for one. Neither is the guy you see shopping at Costco with those adorable twins. Neither is that dad you saw at the restaurant who volunteered to take his toddler to the potty or change the baby’s diaper. Those are just dads, doing what dads are supposed to do: be active and involved parents.

As a society, we’re slowly learning that the bar for Super Mom is ridiculously, impossibly, stupidly high. We’re also getting quite good at letting moms give themselves a break for not being just like that impossible ideal. And yet we seem to be keeping that bar for Super Dad ridiculously, stupidly low. Let’s raise the bar a little, shall we?

6. Dads don’t belong in the delivery room

Let’s not continue this charade that the only thing dads will ever be is “in the way.” I was my wife’s birth coach, and more importantly her advocate, every step of the way during the birth of both of our sons. I got to hold her hand, and her leg, and on witnessing the arrival of our boys it was my reassurance that they were amazing and perfect that put her mind at ease. Seeing what my wife did made me more proud of her than I have ever been of another human. Most of the dads I know played similar roles. If it’s possible, let Dad be there, and be involved. It will change his life and heart forever.

7. Dads only want sons

One of the more common lies about dads. I do only have sons and don’t have even a smidgen of regret about that. I can promise you that I would have adored raising a daughter or two. The days of men requiring sons to pass on their name, or their title, or their Valyrian sword, are either long gone, a tradition rather than a societal necessity, or were fictional to begin with. Dads who love Star Wars or comic books or building projects in the workshop are not limited in their ability to share those joys with daughters. I will gladly point you to dozens of dads who live every day enraptured with the joy of being a girl dad.

8. Dads are a safe target for ridicule

Insulting stereotypes — some of which are discussed throughout the rest of this article — about dads and men, in general, have continued long past the time when similarly insulting stereotypes about other groups were laid to rest. Are there still sexist, racist, and homophobic stereotypes in popular culture? You bet. But those who call them out are more likely to be seen as advocates or much-needed watchdogs, whereas dads who call out negative stereotypes are still likely to be seen as whiners (at best) who can’t take a joke.

Often the worst culprits have been advertisers, who have traditionally excused it by saying their target audience is women. Besides the fact this is specious reasoning (after all, it is rightly no longer OK to target an audience of men to sell, say, tires, by making fun of women as dangerous or incompetent drivers) it’s also increasingly becoming clear that women are tired of seeing men portrayed as buffoons. This is especially when it comes to parenting-related ads, is very drawn to images of men as nurturing, competent dads. It’s time to take the Doofus Dad right out of the advertiser’s toolkit once and for all.

9. Dads don’t care about parenting stuff

In concert with the above, it’s time we put aside this silly idea that moms are the only ones with any opinions, likes, or dislikes when it comes to parenting decisions. If you need more proof that dads have something to say about the whole parenting thing, ask yourself who made the blog you’re reading, or any of the hundreds of other “dad blogs” out there. Dads are writing, thinking, discussing, debating, and even attending conventions and summits, all the with purpose of being better dads.

10. Dads don’t need paternity leave

Speaking of paternity leave, let’s call the idea that dads don’t need and shouldn’t make use of paternity leave what it is: a big fat stinkin’ lie. A dad having access to a fair paternity leave policy is not only valuable as an opportunity to bond with his newborn child, but also in many cases is vital so he can support his partner after a serious medical procedure. We need to make paternity leave more easily available and to stop punishing dads who make use of it. Paternity leave is not a vacation!

11. Dads “babysit”

A dad taking care of his own kid is “parenting.”  He’s being a dad. You cannot babysit your own child!

12. Dads who stay home to raise the kids only do it when forced by unemployment and are miserable

Certainly, there are lots of dads who lost their jobs and stepped it up at home — as they should — but the majority of men who are in the role of “stay-at-home dad” are doing it because it was the best arrangement for their family, and most men discover that they absolutely love doing it.

13. Dads who are involved, competent, and confident with parenting responsibilities are rare and have sacrificed their masculinity to be that way.

Now that’s just one of the more stupid lies about dads. Almost a third of dads spend significant amounts of regular time as the primary caregivers of their small children, and you can bet that those who don’t often have to go it alone sometimes and manage to do it just fine. There’s no doubt there are far, far too many homes with absent fathers today. But in a home where dad is present, he is almost always as involved and active a parenting partner as possible, often despite being treated like a secondary parent.

As to the idea that a man is emasculated by being competent at changing a diaper? I guess it depends on the man. But for most of us, nothing makes us feel like more of a man than when we serve our family. Period.

14. Dads who are primary caregivers for their children are being moms

I am not a “Mr. Mom,” any more than my wife is a “Mrs. Dad” just because she makes the majority of our family’s income working outside the home. My kids have a mom, and I am not her. Every time a stay-at-home dad is called “Mr. Mom” or is hilariously wished “Happy Mother’s Day” because of what he does for his family, it sends a message that caring for kids and the home is properly a job for women only, which pretty much insults everyone. Let’s end that now.

A version of 14 Lies about Dads first appeared on The Daddy Doctrines.

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Dad is a “Limo Driver” For His Three Kids https://citydadsgroup.com/dad-is-a-limo-driver-for-his-three-kids/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=dad-is-a-limo-driver-for-his-three-kids https://citydadsgroup.com/dad-is-a-limo-driver-for-his-three-kids/#comments Thu, 17 Feb 2011 06:53:00 +0000 http://citydadsgroup.com/nyc/2011/02/17/dad-is-a-limo-driver-for-his-three-kids/

Being in New York, it’s hard to not get caught up in the celebrity hoopla and sports star sightings.  I find it interesting when some of these people that we admire so much on-screen or on the field/ice, share some of their personal parenting stories on how they stay “tuned” into and involved in the lives of their children.  Recently, I came across an article featured in Long Island Parent: “for, by, and about LI Moms & Dads” that had a spotlight on hockey star, Doug Weight: A Father Figure On and Off the Ice.  As an aside, nice to see a parenting magazine spotlight a father on their cover during a month that is not June!

Doug Weight, captain of the New York Islanders, has three kids- Ryan, 11, Danny, 9, and Addison, 6, that keep him busy.  As a professional hockey player, Weight has summers off (similar to teachers) and chooses to spend significant time with his children when they are off as well.  Additionally, Weight appears to be a positive role model (aka father figure) to the younger players and rookies on the team.

“I’m the limo driver. It comes with the territory,” he said. “Now that they’re older, they’re involved in all these activities. Ryan is involved in basketball and soccer and school things, and my son loves hockey and lacrosse. So Allison (his wife) and I run around a lot. Usually I have breakfast with the kids and then drop them off at school, then go to practice.”  On practice days he picks the kids up from school and in the typical scheduling juggling act of many Long Island parents, he and Allison split who is shuttling whom where and at what time.

I know this is not the most groundbreaking material here, but certainly nice to hear how a professional hockey dad gets engaged in the lives of his children.

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Time for Women to Yield Some Ground https://citydadsgroup.com/time-for-women-to-yield-some-ground/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=time-for-women-to-yield-some-ground https://citydadsgroup.com/time-for-women-to-yield-some-ground/#comments Wed, 19 Jan 2011 20:39:00 +0000 http://citydadsgroup.com/nyc/2011/01/19/time-for-women-to-yield-some-ground/

I have written a lot about parental gatekeeping, and even used myself as an example of a gatekeeper that both deprives myself of the opportunity to have a partner in the endless job of parenting and deprives my wife of the opportunity to be the kind of mother she wants to be, and the kind of mother she wants our boys to see.

Donald Unger, a good friend to the NYC Dads Group and author of Men Can, continues this line of thinking in a recent piece for Genders Across Borders called “None of Us Can Have It All, It’s Too Much to Carry.” Unger, a keen observer of the relationship between parents, suggests that it is time for women to both allow and insist that their parenting partners have the opportunity to be equal parents by yielding ground at home. According to Unger:

“As women began to move into the professional sphere in the 1960s and 1970s, we began to reconfigure what American workplaces looked like and how they operated. That process is ongoing and imperfect and – for many women and men – often painful. Feminist theorists like Carol Gilligan argued that inclusion was not enough, that bringing women into domains that had previously been all-male meant something more than simply expanding the workspace, bringing in new people. It meant, as well, adjusting to, accommodating, incorporating and often benefiting from the ways in which women do things differently from men.

That’s what has to happen in the domestic sphere as well. Men aren’t going to act exactly as women do when it comes to cooking, cleaning and – perhaps especially – kids. And men who didn’t grow up being socialized as caregivers – biology isn’t the crux of the matter – are sometimes going to get things wrong, in some of the very same ways that women who aren’t socialized to be caregivers get things wrong. We learn how to be parents – all of us. It’s a tough and ever-changing job.”

Much has been written about the perils of having it all, but not enough is written about the impossibility of “being it all.” Neither men nor women can “be it all” at home and in the workplace, and the only way to even consider “having it all” is to negotiate a parenting partnership that is satisfying for both partners.

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NY Times: Calling Mr. Mom? https://citydadsgroup.com/ny-times-calling-mr-mom/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=ny-times-calling-mr-mom https://citydadsgroup.com/ny-times-calling-mr-mom/#respond Mon, 25 Oct 2010 20:22:00 +0000 http://citydadsgroup.com/nyc/2010/10/25/ny-times-calling-mr-mom/

The powerful parenting journalist, Lisa Belkin, certainly caught my eye over the weekend with her latest piece titled, Calling Mr. Mom, published in the NY Times Magazine.  After reading the article, which I thoroughly enjoyed, I found it to be an odd title for the piece…but, it is the title that hooked me in the first place. 

I expected an article to unfold about the changing roles of traditional families and all that surrounds stay-at-home dads.  Fooled, but pleasantly surprised.  Instead, the article focused its time & energy on the “revelation” that American women will not achieve equality until men do.  Expectations for men as fathers must change.  I understand the path that Belkin has described, and I agree with her philosophy.  Fortunately, her point is starting to gain traction which is why so many more articles, blogs, and other media are focusing on the “hot topic” of work-family-life balance from so many different perspectives. Additionally, it’s positive to see more countries abroad like Sweden paving the way on the dad front so we have more role models in which we may try to emulate in the future…or sit disgruntled, and whine “why can’t we be more like them?”

Some thought-provoking points from the article:

Empowering American women can no longer focus only on women — on leveling playing fields or offering mothers “on-ramps” and “offramps” or shattering ceilings one at a time. All those efforts must continue, yes. But none will succeed if we don’t change our expectations for men. Or, more accurately, men’s expectations for themselves.

Men today are at the turning point women reached several decades ago, when the joint demands of work and home first intensified. In her new book, “Reshaping the Work-Family Debate: Why Men and Class Matter,” Joan C. Williams describes how men find themselves caught between meeting cultural expectations and a growing dissatisfaction with the constricted roles shaped by those expectations. “You have to ask why, if women are asking men to change, and if men say they want change, it hasn’t happened,” she says. “Either they are all lazy, or they are under tremendous gender pressures of their own.”

Sure, you can peg me as lazy sometimes, but I think you’ll agree with Belkin (and Joan Williams) that more of the reason for the very slow change is the continued gender pressures.

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Book Review: Men Can, The Changing Image and Reality of Fatherhood in America https://citydadsgroup.com/book-review-men-can-the-changing-image-and-reality-of-fatherhood-in-america/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=book-review-men-can-the-changing-image-and-reality-of-fatherhood-in-america https://citydadsgroup.com/book-review-men-can-the-changing-image-and-reality-of-fatherhood-in-america/#respond Wed, 13 Oct 2010 14:00:00 +0000 http://citydadsgroup.com/nyc/2010/10/13/book-review-men-can-the-changing-image-and-reality-of-fatherhood-in-america/

In his book, Men Can: The Changing Image and Reality of Fatherhood in America, Donald Unger uses stories of real families to expose inconsistencies in our language, our politics, and our culture that are holding men and women back from succeeding at work and at home. Unger doesn’t seek to define a family formula that works, but instead “favors flexible arrangements and a society that respects personal choices and individual differences, crediting and supporting functional families.” For me, in this media world that runs towards extremes to increase readership/viewership, Unger serves as a voice of reason to help the reader sift through the nonsense to show how families are actually living.

One inconsistency Unger highlights is a resistance to acknowledge the change that has happened to real families. In conservative circles, the message goes that if a man were to publicly admit to sharing domestic labor, it would be an “admission of emasculation on two counts,” first a failure to earn sufficient money to allow his wife to stay home, and second for doing “women’s work.” For a woman in the same circles, admitting she works means she has failed to take care of her home and children and she has “usurped the prerogatives of the ‘”proper head of household.'” In many real families, especially middle class and blue-collar families, Unger points out a strong aversion to daycare, citing a “betrayal of family values.” Given that most mothers and fathers in these families need to work, evidence shows that these Moms and Dads are in fact sharing responsibilities at home to some degree.

From liberal circles, on the other hand, Unger points to a resistance to acknowledging progress because it might blunt further progress. Basically, men may help more than they used to, but they don’t help enough. These thinkers have suggested that portraying family and childcare issues as fathers’ issues fails to recognize the struggle that women have felt and still feel as they fight for “equality.” Unger suggests that issues around fathers shouldn’t be taken as competition for attention, but rather that mothers and fathers share many of the same concerns, and we are “more powerful when we stand together as parents than when we set ourselves up as fathers against mothers or vice versa.”

Unger looks to a “much more open definition of family and of caregiving generally, opening up and broadening what is possible, or perhaps more accurately what is acceptable, for a man to do with his life.” Another way to look at it, “we may see the home open up to men in the same way that the workplace began to open up to women in the 1970s.”

Unger goes on to point out other inconsistencies as well. In our language, for example, Unger asks us to think about the difference between the verbs, “to mother” and “to father.” In TV commercials, Unger wonders if portraying fathers as bumbling idiots serves to sell more cellphones or to barricade the domestic sphere. Unger also considers various TV shows and movies and the way that fathers have been portrayed over time. I especially enjoyed Unger’s discussion of Mary Poppins, and the realization that the character that changes the most in the movie in the father!

Overall, Unger’s book is an enjoyable read and what I like call a “head-nodder,” a book that considers different perspectives and distinguishes what makes sense and what serves to hold us back.

Join Donald Unger at the Forest Hills Library on Saturday, Oct. 16 at 2PM to hear him discuss TV commercials and the evolving image of American fathers.

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Parenting as Teammates Benefits Moms, Dads, Kids https://citydadsgroup.com/digging-into-fatherhood/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=digging-into-fatherhood https://citydadsgroup.com/digging-into-fatherhood/#respond Wed, 28 Jul 2010 11:35:00 +0000 http://citydadsgroup.com/nyc/2010/07/28/digging-into-fatherhood/

Thanks to Matt S. for continually steering us in the right direction on some amazing local parenting articles.  In Matt’s words, this one is “outstanding.”  I believe it to be some of the most relevant content regarding fatherhood and I am excited to share it with others as well.

As an at-home dad and very involved parent, I embrace parenting concepts like Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules For a New Generation of Parents by Marc & Amy Vachon.  Equally Shared Parenting enables my wife and I to both “dig” into parenting so we reap it’s countless rewards (and scary challenges).  We are teammates!  

Attention all parents! You MUST read Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode Post, Parents as Teammates.  For one, it is a guest post written by Amy & Marc Vachon.  Two, it is powerful, easy to relate to, and full of truth.  One of those articles you read, where you catch yourself continually nodding your head in agreement.  Lastly, the Vachon’s offer very practical advice that most parents can try out (even though it will be a challenging task for many families).  Yep, they gently nudge the mom’s to start supporting dad as equal status and poke the dads to start digging into fatherhood.  For dad: “This means getting busy getting competent. Here we have the same principle that works everywhere else in life — at work, in sports, in the bedroom: success and enjoyment come not from faking one’s way through the motions, but from knowledge, skills development, and experience.”

Satisfaction doesn’t happen if he takes the easy way out when the going gets tough — when the kids scream to bring back Mom at bath time, when Mom seems so much “better” at packing a toddler-friendly lunch or handling a tantrum or when faced with a whole weekend of solo parenting. It won’t work to simply mimic how others act either; he needs to develop his own sustainable style of relating to his kids. Hiding behind apathy or incompetence is a lonely way of life. Getting good at anything worthwhile makes anyone feel great — because it is authentic.

Sure, this advice may be easier for dads in my position who are already the primary caregiver, but all dads should read this with an open mind.  You will be glad you did…

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Balancing Act on the Home Front https://citydadsgroup.com/balancing-act-on-the-home-front/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=balancing-act-on-the-home-front https://citydadsgroup.com/balancing-act-on-the-home-front/#respond Tue, 27 Jul 2010 10:55:00 +0000 http://citydadsgroup.com/nyc/2010/07/27/balancing-act-on-the-home-front/

It’s reassuring to see more headlines about the growing trend where wives (or women) are earning more about their husbands…since this is the situation in our household.  I have been comfortable with it from day one, but it is even better to see that there are so many families in a similar situation.  USA Today’s Weekend edition (thanks Bruce) took on this topic head on offering specific advice for men, for women, and for the couple in situations When Wives Earn More.  Finding A New Balance: A growing percentage of wives earn more than their spouse, and their families are doing just fine, by Jean Chatzky.

I thought the article offered some sound advice for families (like ours) in this situation, such as accepting your spouse’s parenting skills and banking online to even the money/power playing field in the home.

Accept your spouse’s parenting skills.

Even as she amped up her work hours, Tara Dai had trouble letting go of some child-related tasks that mothers were “supposed” to do, such as taking the kids to the pediatrician and helping them with their homework.  In fact, Meers says, it’s in these areas that entertaining a new perspective can be the most enlightening. “The style differences can be really helpful,” she says. “When one parent is about to go bananas because a child won’t eat or something, the other parent will have another way of dealing with it.”


Bank online.
Research has shown that for two-thirds of people, money represents power. The more you share this belief, the better the likelihood that changing income dynamics will wreak havoc at home. Why? Because it puts the higher earner in charge — and marriages work best when power is balanced.  To even the playing field, take a step back from the paycheck. Have it direct-deposited into a bank account that you both can access online so you both can keep track of your money in real time.  If you maintain individual accounts as well (more below on why this is a good idea), decide together how much money will be transferred from the main joint account into those accounts and how often such transfers will be made. Finally, have those transfers executed automatically every time you get paid.

If you found the advice in the article to be trivial or nothing special, please feel free to share your helpful tip for families where the wife is the breadwinner…

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Language Used Referring to Fatherhood https://citydadsgroup.com/language-used-referring-to-fatherhood/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=language-used-referring-to-fatherhood https://citydadsgroup.com/language-used-referring-to-fatherhood/#respond Mon, 19 Apr 2010 11:15:00 +0000 http://citydadsgroup.com/nyc/2010/04/19/language-used-referring-to-fatherhood/

Hanging out frequently with a group of dads results in interesting conversations about the language used in referring to fatherhood. Quite simply, most of the guys enjoy the respect they receive for being involved fathers. It’s not their motivation behind daddying – they really embrace the quality and valuable time spent with their children. That said, they are not always pleased with the language that surrounds fatherhood.

The language debate: the overused term “Mr. Mom” or “Daddy Daycare”, referring to a dad who is the primary caregiver for their child is frequently used because many people don’t know what the proper term to use is. At least, that is the answer I get when I ask these people why they use those terms rather than “modern man” or “involved dad” or “at-home-dad.” I don’t get angry or blame most of these people because they are spewing terms over-utilized by the media. Sometimes it is not even the language used, it is “the look” or expression of shock and awe as six dads enter together into a crowded playground.

Another ‘language’ topic of discussion: Walking by most children’s venues, you will observe flyers advertising their “mommy & me” classes often ignoring the word dad or the term “parent & me.” Again, not laying complete blame for many of these venues because the majority of people who participate in their classes are moms or female nannies. If more venues started supporting dads in the language that they use, most likely, they will see an increase in fathers feeling more welcome and participating. This slow shift is starting to occur and will take many years to become more balanced.

About a year ago there was an article published on Lisa Belkin’s Motherlode Blog, that speaks very well to this topic about changing the language of fatherhood – it was a guest post aptly named Daddy & Me by Paul Hankes Drielsma.

This riddle was used at the conclusion of the article:

A child walks into an ice cream shop with one of her parents. After handing the girl her ice cream cone, the person behind the counter turns to the parent with a smile and asks, “Babysitting today?”
Which parent is with the girl?


Some people get very upset with the “misused” terms regarding fatherhood. Others don’t care what people say. Where do you stand? Do you get irked when referred to as “Mr. Mom” or it’s assumed that you are just “babysitting today?” Have you noticed a positive change in the language used toward fatherhood?

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