Starting school was difficult for our family last year. Every morning for the first month my son Jake would seemingly break down when he got to the classroom, begging me not to leave. It broke my heart.

His teachers finally approached me and suggested he might do better if he had a consistent school-morning routine. At the time, we didn’t have one. Getting him ready for school was chaotic. So I developed a plan. He would wake up and go potty then have breakfast, get dressed and watch TV for a bit while we waited to walk out the door. Surely it would work.

It did for a while. Soon it turned back into chaos. Unfortunately, as a person with Tourette syndrome, I easily get frustrated. When facing an unexpected challenge, I can go from peaceful to rage in 2.4 seconds. And as always, frustration at home translated to a hard day at school for my son. I worried.

Finally, my wife reminded me of the unique connection I share with my son. We feed off each other’s moods. If I push, he pushes harder. If I were to loosen up and not be so rigid with his school morning routine, things might change for the better. Remain firm, yet flexible.

She was right. When I loosened the reins I found mornings became easier. When my son insisted on watching TV instead of getting dressed and having breakfast, I struck a bargain with him. Instead of forcing him into his room to get dressed before TV time, he could watch TV if he cooperates and gets dressed at the same time.

It also helped me to enter the school morning routine aware that he is not even yet 4 years old. It’s his job to push my buttons and I have to make sure he doesn’t get me riled up. His day at school depends on mornings with me being calm and peaceful. Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo: © Sidekick / Adobe Stock. This post first appeared on the NYC Dads Group blog in 2014.

To celebrate my son Jake’s sixth birthday, my wife and I took him to Manhattan to see Pip’s Island, a highly interactive “immersive” children’s adventure playing here.

We had as much fun as our son did as we watched him become one of a new breed of super explorers. Their hour-long mission: To find their inner “spark” and help their leader, Pip save the island from of the powerful forces of the villainous Joules Volter. I’ve never seen my son so engaged in an activity the way he was today.

Almost immediately, Jake and 30 or so other kids were immersed in the story as they bravely strapped on their tan “Explorers’ Vests” and were introduced to heroes Pip, Finn and Pebble. As our young heroes prepared for their mission they met the island’s guardian, Dr. Amperes Wattson, who commissioned Pip, Finn and Pebble to stop the villainous Volter. As it turns out, Volter is Dr. Wattson’s twin brother and wants to keep the power of the island’s “sparks” for himself.

As the Pip’s Island narrative moved from room to room, we followed our son as he traveled through a maze of lush multi-sensorial environments. Along the way, he and the other kids learned to build and use crazy gadgets and gizmos, and interacted with the island’s strange and mysterious creatures until they collected the five powerful sparks and earned their “Spark Badges.”

The Pip’s Island adventure itself from an adult perspective was kind of silly but watching Jake having a blast with all the other kids and being involved in the action was anything but. It was only last year I stood in Jake’s school’s gymnasium watching him sit down on his mat, uninterested while the rest of his classmates demonstrated for their parents, the Capoeira martial arts poses they learned in gym class.

Ironically, as part of their training, with Pip, the team had to master five sets of martial-arts-style poses or “skills.” These magical skills would help them navigate the different environments they encountered. This time Jake was completely engaged in the adventure. Compared to the Capoeira demonstration at school, it was a complete turnaround. It was so sweet watching him play and have fun, our hearts were filled with pride for our big boy, Jake who is quickly growing up right before our eyes.

Join the adventure with your children at Pip’s Island. Its originality and charm will have them believing in the power of the Sparks and wanting to do it again.

How do I help my son forge his own identity?

How can I teach him what it means to be a leader?

What should I do so he develops a set of ethical values?

Reading Ten Conversations You Must Have with Your Son by Dr. Timothy Hawkes is a good way to prepare yourself for the difficult task of helping your son, especially a teenage boy, grow into a man.

Hawkes, a father and Australian boarding school headmaster, writes that we have to let our sons know they are loved. But there is a fine line between saying “I love you” and showing your love. Showing your love gives him a sense of security, belonging and self-esteem. But how do we show our love for our sons? One action, Dr. Hawkes writes, might be as simple as making time to give them our undivided attention.

As an example, he recalls turning down his son’s request to spend time with him one day, citing a pile of paperwork he had to finish. Fortunately, his wife changed his mind for him and the results were rewarding. That night, before bed, his son thanked him for finally pulling away from his work to play with him earlier. It was his way of saying, “I know you love me, Dad. I love you too.”

Hawkes also talks about identity, character building, leadership and “choosing a moral code to live by.” I found this a bit corny at first but, on further reflection, I know that I would want my son to choose the right path in a time of crisis even if other men are doing the opposite.

Hawkes on the sex talk

Then it’s the dreaded “birds and bees” discussion. Hawkes says it’s not enough, however, to just cover the technical aspects of sex. A teenager’s sense of masculinity and expectations of sex is confusing. So much is predicated around what they see on TV, in the movies, which of his friends has done it first and whose penis is bigger.

“They need to be encouraged that it isn’t size that matters … it’s what they do with it,” Hawkes writes.

We must also teach them to avoid high-risk behavior, he writes, and how to treat the women in their lives. Teenage boys need to know that pressuring or coercing a woman into doing something she isn’t ready for is wrong and can land them in jail. We have to set the example.

Ultimately, we are responsible for guiding our sons as they approach manhood. Hawkes wrote Ten Conversations You Must Have with Your Sonas a guide so we can talk to our sons about these hard-to-explain life lessons. And while my son is only 6, I know that as he gets older, I will be referring back to en Conversations You Must Have with Your Son for guidance.

Dear Jake,

You are about to be a first grader, and I am so proud of you and how far you have come. You are one of the brightest people I know and in my opinion you’re a prodigy. You are sweet, affectionate, loving, mind-bogglingly handsome and so darned smart I am having a hard time putting it to words.

You are the most important thing in my life. I love getting up in the morning to wake you. I love taking you to school and picking you up. And while I’ve struggled at times with my emotions and patience, I have loved every moment I’ve been lucky enough to spend with you.

I will always remember the times we spent together alone at home playing with toys and watching your crazy cartoons and the times we ate at restaurants and Starbucks. To be honest, taking you places to hang out together was a selfish act on my part. I love you so much, I just wanted to show you off to everyone and say, “This is my boy.”

I have always been amazed at your intellect. You learn so quickly that I often struggle to comprehend it. Yet, I am no longer amazed by your kindness, your mathematical skills or your ability to read from such an early age. One of your teachers has told me several times that you are a “mensch”. Sometimes I lack confidence in myself but then I am sure that I’ve done something right because of the boy you are and the person you are becoming. I’m so proud of that.

I just take it for granted now. Just the other day one of your camp bus counselors asked me, “Are you aware that your son Jake knows the directions the bus driver takes to camp and back every day?” I simply said to him “Yeah, so?” Your mother and I laughed about that and we call you The Human GPS.

You are so much different from me in many ways. Yet just like me, you want people to like you and sometimes have a hard time showing it. That’s a good trait to have because a kind heart never goes out of style.

Your joy for life and sense of humor brings me to the brink of laughing myself to death. Sometimes I can’t control my urge to tickle you because of the sweet giggling fits it produces. Sometimes I enjoy making you laugh too much though when I hear you using some of the colorful words and inappropriate jokes I tell you. You soak it up like a sponge and laugh and laugh and laugh despite the fact that you have no idea what they mean. I guess I’m lucky for that too.

It’s also difficult for me sometimes to accept how much you truly love me. Yet I’m so grateful that you do. I am not the perfect father and I sometimes wear my personal insecurities on my sleeve. But you are always there to stick your face in mine and smile and cheer me up. Not a lot of men are fortunate enough to have a child who displays such unconditional love for them as you do for me. You are truly an amazing boy to have had such a profound impact on everyone you have met in such a short time.  I can’t wait to see wonderful things you have in store for us in your still young life.

So, now you are about to start first grade and I’m excited for you. I remember when I started first grade, Pop Pop Dov called me from work to wish me luck and to tell me how proud he was of me. I’ve never forgotten that and I want you to never forget that I am so proud of you and how much I love you too.

As you said at your kindergarten graduation “’N’ is for next year. First grade, here we come.” All I can think is next year is almost here and first grade, here comes my boy, Jake.

To Dad, From Kelly is a poignant collection of love letters from first-time memoirist Kelly Lytle to his deceased father, College Football Hall of Famer Rob Lytle. It’s not every kid who can say his dad was a running back in the NFL and won a Super Bowl Championship ring with John Elway and the Denver Broncos but Kelly Lytle can. Rob Lytle was his son’s hero. But the author seems to make it clear from the start that his father was not his hero for his exploits on the playing field. “This book is my attempt to remember the father who shaped me through his unique blend of humor, kindness and self-deprecation,” he writes.

While his father was indeed active and a major part of his son’s life, Kelly also remembers him as the type who practiced a policy of tough love. Nowhere is this more evident in To Dad, From Kelly than in the piece titled “Please Make It Stop” where the author humorously reminisces about a high school leg injury that left him terrified that he’d never play again. He was 17 years old and Kelly explains how he recruited his dad to guide him through his physical therapy. His dad agreed but made his Kelly pledge to take his sessions in the weight room seriously. One morning Kelly came home drunk and had a hangover. He wanted to just sleep. Dad though had other plans.

“In my house, if you made a commitment – especially to something sports related, you stuck to it no matter what,” his father is quoted as saying.

His dad made sure to keep Kelly to his word. Not only did he make his son did the right thing and stick to the workout plan, dad made sure to give him an intensified workout to teach him that he should not have been partying that night. The scene is quite funny as Kelly practically falls flat on his face, but we also see how serious the father was about his son not shirking his responsibilities.

Every story in To Dad, From Kelly shows Rob Lytle as responsible and loving and funny and tough. We can quickly see how much he meant to his son and family. Read this book whether you are a football fan or not. To Dad, From Kelly is an easy read, warm and touching and I’m sure any parent would want their kids to remember them with such fondness, and admiration.

How to Raise an Adult, the new book by Julie Lythcott-Haims, discusses the many pitfalls and consequences of overparenting.

A former undergraduate dean at Stanford University, Lythcott-Haims recounts stories of young adults who have been left devoid of the basic life skills that are crucial to surviving in a dangerous unforgiving world because of their overprotective mothers and fathers.

She writes, for example, that many parents today are hesitant to give their children the freedom to play alone outdoors or in the playground the way they were allowed when they were children. Lythcott-Haims blames a pervasive fear of child abduction born in the media in the 1970s and early 1980s with such high profile kidnappings as that of Adam Walsh.

As she writes, “We perceive that our nation is a more dangerous place, yet the data show that the rates of child abduction are no higher, and by many measures are lower than ever before.”

In the process, Lythcott-Haims says, parents who fear for their children’s safety and escort them everywhere they go are creating adults who are afraid to fend for themselves. Other parents, she says, are so afraid to let their young children succeed or fail on their own merits that it is almost considered common practice for students to hand in assignments that were clearly done by their parents while the teachers look the other way.

How to Raise an Adult goes into one outrageous case of overprotective parenting where a mother criminally intrudes in her son’s career. The young man, Richard, had graduated from an Ivy League college and worked his tail off at his job for two years in New York City hoping to get ahead. His mother who felt he was working too hard and not having a social life decided to call his boss directly to tell him to ease up on her son. According to Lythcott-Haims:

 “When Richard came back to work on Monday, instead of being permitted to enter the bank of elevators that soar to the skyscraper’s top, the security guard handed him a cardboard box containing the personal items from his desk. On top of the box was the note: Ask your mother.”

How to Raise an Adult is packed with true stories of parents who in trying to protect their children, instead have done them grave dis-service. But it is also packed with solutions for preparing your children for independence while letting them know that you love them and want to be included in their lives now that they are adults.

How to Raise an Adult will resonate for all parents who want the best for their children. It is truly of value as we try to give our young children two important gifts … roots and wings.

Detroit has become the 18th and latest metropolitan area to join the City Dads Group network of social and support groups for fathers of all walks of life.

At the helm of our Motor City outpost are area residents Brian Manninen and Nick Edwards.

Matt Schneider, co-founder of City Dads Group, said, “Many dads have inquired about a group in the Detroit/Ann Arbor area, so I’m glad we have some guys who have stepped up. Nick and Brian are going to make a great team as they create a diverse community of dads, online and off.”

Find the Detroit Dads Group on:

• Meetup (go here to join)
• Facebook
• Twitter
• Instagram

Manninen, 35, a father of two boys ages 3 and 6, comes from a family of educators. “I’m a teacher and the extended time off was a factor when choosing my career so I could be an active dad …  when my ‘hoped for children’ would be off for their school vacations,” he said.

“I’ve spent enough summers isolated from other adults so a few months ago I took serious action to see what I could plan ahead for. All of that research lead me to City Dads,” Manninen said, adding he looked  forward to connecting with other dads who have similar extended time with their children during the summer weekdays.

Edwards, 31, is father to two daughters ages 2 and 8 months. He a full-time controls engineer who uses his blog The Dadcade to review editorials and new offerings from the gaming and tech industry from a father’s perspective.

“We have (focused on gaming issues) like screen time, what video games can teach you, and violence and misogyny,” Edwards said.

City Dads Group is a dynamic and diverse community of fathers redefining, by example, what it means to be a dad in the 21st century. The year-old organization has group based in and around 18 major metropolitan U.S. cities including New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Cleveland, Dallas and San Francisco.

Founded in November 2008 in New York City as a way a handful of fathers could arrange playdates and outings with their children, the organization went national in 2014. City Dads Group nearly 4,000 members who bond over their children and a desire to change the face of modern fatherhood through word, deed, and example.

I recently had a misunderstanding with a member of my family over blogging, something I wrote about my son and posted online in particular. I tried to convince this relative that it was pure satire, tongue-in-cheek, like “A Modest Proposal” but with Star Wars references peppered throughout. Needless to say, the conversation turned ugly and things were said that we both regret. But, in retrospect, he had a point.

This relative was furious that I would post anything negative about my son or that I would make it appear I resented my own child or would seek to harm him in any way. I meant no harm to my 4-year-old, but at least one person out there thought different. What if others made the same mistake?

What if one of them was my son?

If something tragic happened to me today and, years down the line, my son found online some of the stories I had written about him, would he also misunderstand my references without me around to explain or defend what I wrote? What would my son think of me? How would he remember me from that point on?

In the grand scheme of things, what I wrote was not that terrible but I have read other bloggers and parents on Facebook who often employ foul language and satirical humor in “complaints” directed at their children or spouses. Some of it is not very pretty. Sometimes I ask myself: Why would anyone tell such potentially embarrassing stories or make such comments about the people they love?

As an American, I deplore most kinds of censorship. I believe creative thought should never be squelched. However, I would hate for my wife or son to read my posts and interpret them as anything but humorous or tongue-in-cheek. I came to wonder if telling the whole blogging world everything that goes on in my child’s life might come to embarrass him some day. Maybe he wouldn’t want all of those stories to be spread outside of our home.

So what do I do? While I wouldn’t want others to censor my writing, in this case it’s my family and I have to think about their feelings. While some of my potential writings about my family would make for great stories, I feel I have to be more selective in choosing what I write. I have to stop and think how it may be interpreted by others before writing it, let alone before hitting the “publish” button­ because I don’t want my son to think I resent him. I love him.

So this time, I went back to that post and hit “delete.”

Mark Greene’s new book Remaking Manhood is a must-read for all dads. A collection of Greene’s most powerful essays from The Good Men Project website, where he is executive editor, this book is a glimpse into the consequences of our American culture’s false image of what it means to be a man and a father.

The prevalent theme throughout the book is that fathers — and all men for that matter — are not just there to provide the genetic material and teach their sons sports. The true nature of manhood is more complex. Men are sensitive. Male sensitivity is not a flaw. And we, as men, have paid a price for these misconceptions.

I loved his story of pretending to be tough in school for fear of exposing his sensitive side. He even recalls not being ready for a girlfriend but dating one girl because it was expected. Many of us have done the same and what we learn is that having to conform to the school crowd’s paradigm of manhood has a negative impact on his interpersonal relationships growing up:

“The degree to which men are ready to suppress the intimate sides of ourselves as automatically warranting disapproval is a staggering testament to the power of shame in our lives. Our culture’s voracious appetite for condemning difference leaves men little flexibility in how they live their lives,” Greene writes.

I also enjoyed reading Greene’s opinions on marriage, divorce and child custody. He pleads that divorce courts need to recognize that men are fully capable of loving and nurturing their children. He says fathers are unfairly deprived of active involvement because of the prevalent male stereotypes. Consequently, the entire family is left broken rather than simply changed.

“We can choose to show our children that their families have not ended, just changed and that truth will be central to their sense of security and safety. A central part of encouraging vital co-parenting agreements includes giving men equal legal rights to remain engaged parents,” Greene writes in one essay.

But of all the issues discussed in this book, I am most glad Greene gave attention to women’s unfair complaint that a sensitive man is hard to find. As he put it: “As much as these sensitive guys are being promoted as better husband material, there is still the ongoing subtext that women want a sensitive guy at home while they go party with the bad boys.”

Read this book, but don’t mistake it as a defense of men. Remaking Manhood is going to be considered a go-to piece of literature on the new “Male Revolution.”

“Argh, Aaargh, Mmmh.”

“Daddy, what is that?” I remember the sweet voice of my almost 4-year-old son in the back seat of the car last week. It was the first time he verbally responded to my vocal tics.

“Oh … nothing”, I said.

Nothing. Is Tourette syndrome nothing? Not to me it isn’t. The years of torment from schoolmates and perfect strangers who misunderstood my tics weren’t “nothing.” The years of having to make an announcement whenever my vocal tics appeared in public weren’t “nothing.”

“Please don’t mind that everyone. I have Tourette’s.”

I should be used to it by now. I was diagnosed at the age of 11 and I’m now, what … 42? The memories never fade or get easier to cope with. I’d better tell him.

“I will have to tell him eventually,” I whispered to my wife, who was driving seat. “Do I tell him now?”

“Be rational,” she said. “You’re going to explain Tourette’s to a 4-year-old little boy?”

She was right. At least it gives me some time to figure out how to explain it to him, what to say. How to break the news to my son that Tourette’s is hereditary and that if he doesn’t have it, his kids probably will? He’ll resent me.

“Fuck!” I shouted. Yet I couldn’t blame it on my Tourette syndrome this time. My particular case doesn’t give me the compulsion to shout obscenities. That was me being angry.

“Language,” she chided. “He’s still hears you.”

Explaining Tourette syndrome to a child

“When do I tell him?” I asked.

“He’ll be old enough to understand on a basic level in a couple of years,” she replied. “But don’t worry, he’ll be fine with it.”

“Do you think he’ll be embarrassed to have his friends meet me when he’s older?”

“You’re overthinking it, sweetheart, he’ll love you. Nothing will change.”

“How will I explain it to him though? I know I can’t say, “Daddy has a genetic neurological condition called Tourette’s syndrome that causes him to make involuntary muscle twitches and vocalizations called tics.”

“You’ve done it before.”

“When did I tell him?”

“Not our son, you goofball. Carly, my god-daughter. How did you explain it to her?”

That’s right. Four years ago my wife’s god-daughter noticed my tics at brunch in New York City. It was the first time I have ever had to explain Tourette’s to any child. She was 6 years old at the time and asked why I made “those noises.”

I remember asking her, “Can you stop yourself from sneezing?”

“No,” she responded.

“Well, sometimes I make sounds or twitches and I can’t stop it. Just like a sneeze.”

“Oh,” She said. “Does it hurt?”

“No. Not really,” I reassured her. “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Are we all together now?” my wife asked her.

“Yes.”

“Are we all having a good time?”

“Yes.”

“Does Jason seem different now that you know this about him?”

“No.”

“Well. You’re right. I’m not different,” I remembered saying proudly.

“I’m still the same. You’re still my friend and I am yours.”

I remember feeling relieved. I’ll tell my son the same way I told her and he will still love me. The fact that I have Tourette syndrome won’t change our relationship a bit. And the possibility he might have it? Well, that won’t change a thing either. He loves me and he knows I love him. As it should be.

Resources for parents and children with Tourette Syndrome available via the Tourette Association of America.