blogs Archives - City Dads Group

Fundraiser to Help NYC Dad Lopez Recover from Brain Injury

Kevin McKeever — Mon, 27 Jun 2022 07:01:00 +0000

James Lopez, a co-organizer for NYC Dads Group, and his three sons at a NYC Dads Group movie outing in July 2021. (Photo: Lopez family)

Friends of a NYC Dads Group co-organizer are rallying to help defray costs for his recovery from a severe injury.

James Lopez, 42, who coordinates events on Staten Island, underwent successful brain surgery in April for a non-cancerous growth, according to his wife, Kim. While recovering later in the month, Lopez fell and suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI) to his thalamus, she told SILive.com. He has been in a coma since.

The thalamus is thought to act as a relay station between most incoming sensory and motor information to the brain’s cerebral cortex, or gray matter. It may also play a role in sleep, consciousness, alertness, learning and memory.

The father of three boys, ages 5 to 15, “will need intensive rehab and medical treatment which will be costly even with insurance,” she wrote on a GoFundMe page she set up. “This is not the reason or method that James would have ever chosen to raise funds but this is what is needed at this time.”

This week Lopez is scheduled to be transferred from a Staten Island hospital to a rehab facility in Manhattan, SILive.com reported.

+ Donate to James Lopez / #FatherhoodIsLit fund +

Lopez runs the website Cool4Dads and promotes his efforts under “Fatherhood Is Lit” or its hashtag on social media. A focus of his work is advocating for fathers of color.

“My dear friend, James Lopez, was the first person to open his heart to me in the fatherhood community,” wrote Sergio Rosario Diaz, founder of Soy Super Papá, an online community for Spanish speaking dads. “Always proud of his Puertorrican heritage, he made me feel at home everywhere we went. His perspective on fatherhood made me realize that it’s the simple things in life that matter.”

Lopez joined NYC Dads Group in 2015. He soon started organizing popular father/child events, such as crafts workshops at Home Depot and hip-hop graffiti tagging art lessons. He became a group co-organizer in 2018.

“James is one of City Dads Group’s biggest cheerleaders,” said Matt Schneider, co-founder of the organization. “He continues to be a source of wisdom, inspiration and friendship, not only for me, but for our group organizers all over the country.”

One of Lopez’s key messages in his work is “presence over presents,” a motto he often hashtagged. He attributed this philosophy of dads being actively involved with their children’s lives beyond being a provider to how his father raised him in the South Bronx.

“My dad spoiled me rotten. … But the one thing he gave me the most, which I didn’t appreciate until I was older, was his time,” he wrote in an article published on the NYC Dads blog in 2017. “His presence made a huge difference in my life. The toys, the gifts, all that, were just a quick fix. A gift loses value over time … If we are going to raise the bar every time then it has to be through our experiences and time together.”

James Lopez of NYC Dads Group, in hat, and his children present his dad with a Dove Men+Care gift package on Grandparents’ Day 2017. (Contributed photo)

‘One of the most passionate dads I know’

Colleagues in the fatherhood advocacy community quickly offered support and praise for Lopez, his message, his passion and his generosity.

“James Lopez has a larger-than-life smile, huge heart and magnetic personality. He’s one of the most passionate dads I know,” said City Dads Group co-founder Lance Somerfeld. “Beyond his contributions to City Dads Group and our fatherhood circles, James is a friend. He’s the man that’s always there for a bro hug, favor, or straight talk.”

Danny Reyes, creator of the SwaggerDad men’s parenting resource, first meet Lopez about nine years ago at a NYC Dads Group event. They “clicked right away,” he wrote.

“Once you get to know James he will take his shirt off his back to give it to someone who needs it. James is all about business but he takes pride in being a great father, that’s what brought us together, our passion for being great dads,” Reyes wrote.

RGV Dads founder Jesus T. Pena wrote Lopez’s work, among the first fatherhood resources he found online years ago, inspired him to start his Rio Grande Valley, Texas, group.

“I consider James to be a trailblazer in the dad community and a friend,” Pena wrote. “I related with James because he looks like me and has a similar taste in music!”

Mike Dorsey, creator of the Black Fathers, NOW! podcast, wrote, “James has always prioritized his presence in the life of his family and set an example for all of us to follow. At this moment, I always want James to realize that he is actually also a ‘present’ for us fathers, too.”

Doug French, co-founder of Dad 2.0, wrote Lopez’s tenacity will help see him through his recovery.

“James is one of the most dynamic and focused people I know. He knows what he wants and works hard for it, and he’ll work harder than ever through this,” he said. “If history is any judge, he’ll turn his TBI into telekinesis before he’s done.”

It’s Not a Dad War, but We Can All Learn Something

Guest Contributor — Tue, 15 May 2012 22:40:00 +0000

Editor’s Note: Josh’s post yesterday caught fire. If you haven’t read it, please read it and make sure you scan the comments. Very interesting discourse. Personally, I think too much has been made about the “Dad War,” we’re all adults and THEYCALLMECODY seems to be fine. These are important conversations to be had, and we appreciate Josh’s original post and this follow up.

So this thing happened. A person new to blogging wrote a blog post on a decently trafficked website. The post was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek, self-deprecating tribute to his wife. Slap a title on that puppy, and you’re done. A funny thing happened on the way to the publication. In a decision his wife later said she disagreed with, he made the post title about all fathers, not just himself.

So another thing happened. A bunch of involved dads, including some that you all know, got their hackles up. Missives, as both responses and other blog posts, went flying around the intertubes. You probably saw the one here. Hyperbole and more tongue-in-cheekiness abounded. Exaggerations were made and names were called.

The sidelines went crazy. A facebook post by the original website had tons of comments about how horrible men are. Comments came fast and furious from both sides, recruited via twitter and other social media. “Ringers” were brought in, both pro and con. Mr. Burns was somewhere yelling at Mattingly to shave his sideburns.

Deeeeeeeeep breaths people.

And here’s where we’re left: A response from the author, explaining himself. One that will satisfy his supporters, and likely disappoint many of his detractors– me for one. I’m sure there’ll be others.

Cody is left thinking that he tried to pay tribute to his wife and get a few page views, and it turned out to cause an all out assault on him and his family by a group he wasn’t sure existed. A group he was disappointed in, because they had never given such a response to any of his other work. He’s also disappointed about the level of discourse.

The opposite side is thinking that he tried to pay tribute to his wife and get a few page views, and that he did so by using inflammatory language that, while inadvertent, managed to insult a lot of dads. A group that was disappointed in him, because he’s been given a pedestal from which he can do great good for parents, male and female. The dads are also disappointed about the level of discourse.

So that’s where we’re left. Both sides disagree about a lot, but seem to agree that words should be chosen carefully, and with the audience in view. Cody doesn’t want to see himself (or his family) attacked personally, even in jest, and the dads on the other side want the same. Sweeping generalizations about groups made for comical reasons and page views often backfire. Calling someone a douchebag, even in jest, can hurt their feelings too. If we all want to raise the level of discourse, then it’s up to us ALL to do so.

Live and learn.

(Although I’m not hugging it out with that one dude. That’s kinda creepy)

Josh Kross is an at home dad to his three kids. When not putting his MBA in operations management to use making sure his kids get where they need to be, he is the Upper West Side event coordinator for the NYC Dads Group. Follow his blog, The Angry SAHD.

Another Dad Blogger Screws Up the Conversation about Fatherhood

Guest Contributor — Mon, 14 May 2012 17:08:00 +0000

Photo credit: angelina_koh via Foter.com / CC BY-NC

Editor’s Note: It’s not always easy, but I like to get NYC Dads Group member and The Angry SAHD, Josh Kross, to comment on the particularly egregious noise in the world of fatherhood and parenting. Enjoy this guest as he slams another dad blogger that doesn’t get it.

Here we go again. Just when I thought we’d started to really turn the corner and recognize that any parent, male or female, can be great at any aspect of parenting, a “daddy blogger” goes in again for the easy “bad daddy” jokes about why women are better. The last time I got pissed off about this, it led to a lot of great discussion, and I hope some attitudes even changed.

Here’s the thing: whenever someone goes and makes sweeping generalizations about EITHER gender, it does all parents a disservice. We wind up with society thinking women HAVE to be the parents because all men are boorish dirty idiots without the brain power or focus necessitated for child rearing. That dads are just not as good as moms at doing the day in and out of child care.

Each time someone writes that women are better at X, or men are bad at Y, it reinforces the idea that it’s ok to just accept incompetence.

Which brings me to THEYCALLMECODY’s post on Babble from last week, “Top 10 Things Mothers do Better than Fathers.” Ok, I get it was a pre-Mother’s Day fluff piece. I get that the title is to catch eyeballs. Really, had he entitled it “10 things my wife is better than me at” it would be almost reasonable. However, reinforcing stupid stereotypes is, well, stupid. Here’s his list, succinctly.

1. Hugging

2. Injuries

3. Changing diapers

4. Preparing healthy food

5. Keeping Kids Clean

6. Snuggling

7. Cooking

8. Going Out and About

9. Expressing Emotion

10. Making sick kids feel better

For starters, it is at least encouraging that he was so strapped for 10 items, that he actually repeated some, as 1 and 6, 2 and 10, 3 and 5, and 4 and 7 are essentially the same things. That said, let’s look at these a little closer.

First let’s take those that are just straight up BS, 1,2,3,4,6,7, and 10. Unless breasts are a requirement for a good hug or touch, there is literally nothing that inherently makes a woman a better hugger or snuggler. He uses anecdotal examples that are effectively meaningless. Maybe he’s just crappy to hug. Sick or injured kids can be completely cared for by a dad. My wife passes out at the sight of blood. Does that make her less of a mom? Does the fact that I don’t get all emotional, but calmly clean up the child and treat them while soothing them make me less of a man? Really, if you are a guy and still saying “rub some dirt on it,” you are a douchebag, not a dad.

Changing diapers is something I pride myself in. Recently, at a family event, I changed a foul diaper one handed while carrying on a conversation with several other people. I wasn’t even looking at the butt. All the women in the room clapped when I was done. I even got to flex. But it was just changing a diaper. I got credit because I was expected to be bad at it, and I wasn’t. Nice for me, but maybe those expectations should change. As for cooking, I find it stunning that given the proliferation of celebrity chefs of both gender, anyone could make an argument for gender basis of culinary skills. That’s just dumb. There are a lot of guys who can’t cook. There are a lot of women who can’t cook. Maybe Cody is just one of them.

This guy is clearly an adult version of Pigpen. In the section on keeping kids clean, he writes, “I’m pretty sure I have mentioned that I once forgot to have the eldest daughter bathe for an entire week while Casey was gone recently.” Really? Hope you are kidding or you’re going to wind up with a visit from child services if she ever goes away for two weeks. This section is more than just reinforcing gender stereotypes though. It’s parenting philosophy. I WANT my kids dirty. I want them to go out and get filthy. I will, without a doubt, clean them up afterwards, but the experience of learning what makes messes is all part of being a child. As an added bonus, he throws in the “boys are just dirty as kids” line. I have a 7 year old that begs to differ.

His going out and about section reinforces for me that he’s either so incompetent that we should be applauding him for managing to tie his shoes, or that he’s disorganized because his wife covers for him. “I don’t know how many times I have taken the kids to the store only to realize I forgot the diaper bag or that I had forgotten to pack the diaper bag.” His penis didn’t forget to bring it, his laziness did. I guarantee that if his wife rode him a bit about it, he’d start to make it part of his routine.

Finally, he’s all anecdotal about how robotic he is emotionally, while his wife is great at it. Maybe his father was distant. Maybe he just buys in to the idea that showing emotion makes you a “wuss.” Maybe he’s Mitt Romney (I keed, I keed). As a dad, you need to show your kids how you feel to teach them it’s ok to feel and set an example of how to express those feelings positively.

This guy is probably a fine parent, exaggerating for comedic effect. That said, if you or your partner is a bad parent, that’s on you. Anyone who tolerates their partner’s crappiness at parenting is also a crappy parent. This isn’t the 50s anymore and child-rearing is a shared responsibility. If you allow your partner to get away with being bad, you’re also short-changing your child. Straight or gay, modern parenting is about creating a balance where both of you work to use your strengths. Defining those strengths explicitly along gender lines is clearly just stupid.

In some ways, gay couples have an advantage. Since there are two members of one gender, they inherently have to go and define their roles explicitly. Discussing what strengths and weakness they have, and decide what’s best for the child, free from the slots people try to put us in. Heterosexual couples have implicit roles, enforced by silly ideas as presented in this article, that actually does the children and their relationship a disservice.

A Pat on the Back (High Five) from Guide to Online Schools

City Dads Group — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 02:16:00 +0000

Today, I received this positive note about our blog site:
Hi Lance at NYC Dads Group,

I am writing to inform you that NYC Dads Group has been featured on Guide to Online Schools’ list of the Top 50 Dad Blogs. We hand-picked a list of our favorites and outlined the unique reasons why we love them.

Sincerely,
Cate Newton
Guide to Online Schools

Below is the introduction from the Guide to Online Schools’ list of top 50 dad blogs:

What’s the one job where you get to be a top chef, taxi driver, baggage carrier, and Superman all in the same day? A dad, of course! Dads are an integral part of a child’s life and development and they hold very special roles in the family structure.
If you have ever wanted to venture into the life or thoughts of a dad, you’ve come to the right place. Each of the blogs on the list below was written by a dad. These blogs were chosen because they demonstrate passion and personal experience, are updated frequently, and are interesting to read. No two dads are the same, however, and you’re sure to get a variety of paternal perspectives.

Well, we did not crack the top 5 of this unscientific survey of dads blogs – those honors went to The Busy Dad Blog, Daddy Dialectic, Daddy Forever, Daddy Types, & Fishing With Dad. However, it is nice to be recognized and for that we are truly grateful!

See the list is no longer online but they suggest you check out this site.

A Few Things At-Home Dads Want Moms To Know

Lance Somerfeld — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 11:17:00 +0000

As an at-home dad, I often find myself significantly outnumbered – on the playground, in a parent & me class, or just strolling about town during the day. In our multiple parent & me classes every week where it is usually my son & I with a dozen other moms or nannies + their kids, it is very noticeable. I am an outgoing guy and usually make some mom friends wherever I go…most of the moms are friendly and approachable. That said, there are several moms who make lunch plans or a playdate after class and leave me out.

I have my own list of bullet points I would want moms to know about an at-home dad. Nothing major, just the usual stuff
– we go through a lot of the same highs and lows as parents
– as primary caregiver, I am knowledgeable about relevant topics such as children’s nap schedules, preschools, tantrums, babysitters, etc.
– my way of parenting may be different than yours, but it does not mean that it’s not effective
– If you think you feel isolated, how do you think I feel sometimes
– Why do so many venues only use the language “mommy & me” even though I attend this class with my son every week?

The brief list above is inspired by a thoughtful and enjoyable post on Daddy Dialectic: What a Stay at Home Dad Wants Moms To Know, In Fourteen Points (posted by Chicago Pop). Chicago Pop’s #1 thing a mom should know: “I don’t want to sleep with you. So can we please just chill about that.” Thanks to Angry Sahd for forcing my hand to read this.

Why stop at fourteen points? I am sure other at-home dads can comment or weigh in on their personal #1 thing a mom should know about us….Or Moms, feel free to add your two cents on what we should know.

What Does It Mean To Be A Good Man?

Lance Somerfeld — Thu, 13 May 2010 16:55:00 +0000

What Does It Mean To Be A Good Man? This is the essential question addressed in a recent anthology, a group of essays, in The Good Men Project: Real stories from the front lines of modern manhood. I just finished reading this fascinating and powerful book.

Basically, The Good Men Project, is a forum for modern men of all stripes to share honest & gripping stories about their greatest challenges, struggles, losses, and triumphs. Even though this book revolves around the core of what it means to be a good man – the project pioneers that created this anthology (James Houghton, Larry Bean, and Tom Matlack) make sure to not provide an answer to this overarching question. No, they leave it to the reader to extrapolate pieces from the stories combined with self-reflection in their own lives to come to a conclusion. What sold me on this project is the depth, candid-ness, and graphic nature of the stories that the different men share.

Who are the men, the voices, telling these stories? They are fathers, sons, husbands, and workers. Some are wealthy and some are poor, some are white and some are from ethnic backgrounds, some are from urban areas and some from the burbs. “From Pulitzer winners and Poet Laureates to ex-cons, Pro Football Hall of Famers, a soldier, and just regular guys.”

There is even a story from Charlie LeDuff, describing his role as a stay-at-home dad, in the group of over thirty essays within this project. Here is an excerpt from LeDuff, to get a flavor for the honesty of his essay:

Now, I another creature altogether. I am a stay-at-home-dad. Allow me a qualification here. It is a blessing to watch your baby’s eyes – those fluttering little half-moons – slowly transform from slate to brown. the eyebrows grow in later, in case you did not know. Thre is the moment when your little beast has figured out how to stand on her wobbly legs with the help of a chair. these are the good parts.

But, I am a man, and a man at home alone with an infant is up the hill without a rope. Confusion reigns. How much to feed? How much sleep? When? The baby does not know. You do not know. Those baby books are confusing, long-winded, and in need of some good editing. The little thing holws, flushes crimson, gasps for air. You grow frightened. Fear gives way to weariness. Then, like a heel, you close the door an walk away.

My go-to-work wife returns home after i’ve endured nine hours of this, nine hours of my cleaning toilets, and ruining clothes, and washing Claudette’s diapers, and mopping floors. When my go-to0work wife walks in the door thirty minutes late, I’m there to ask where her priorities are. It’s the stuff of daytime talk shows.

I was intrigued by how this dad shared his perspective in such a visual way by painting a picture with his words. In another part of his essay, he describes the challenge he faced when taking his child to a “Mommy & Me” yoga class, and was told that the class was “closed (to him) because he was not a mommy”…and”they might not feel comfortable if you were in there.” It was admirable (not what I would have done) on how he handled it by leaving without incident.

In the age of discovering more content & resources out there for men as well as fathers, The Good Men Project, certainly fits the bill.

We Miss You, Rebel Dad — Come Back to Us, Brian Reid

Lance Somerfeld — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 23:23:00 +0000

I began my journey as an at-home dad in NYC about 18 months ago. There was little in the form of resources geared toward involved dads – in parenting books, websites, and local parenting classes or support groups. When I first reached out to the internet in my new role, I found humor and engaging content on reading Rebel Dad. The founder of Rebel Dad, Brian Reid is “a former at-home dad who remains interested in the question of how modern fathers can maximize their connection to family.”

Some of you might have noticed that the “well” of blog entries on the Rebel Dad site have started to dry up. Blog entries on that site used to come out frequently, with fresh content, honest perspective, and covered an array of relevant topics on fatherhood. No entries for over a month on his site. What happened to Rebel Dad?

Rebel Dad has been keeping busy. He has been writing daily posts for “On Parenting” at The Washington Post. If you didn’t get the memo about his new gig, you should really tune in sometime. The writing from his perch at On Parenting has certainly cast a wider net than just focusing on involved fathers. I have been enjoying his take on parenting topics ranging from having a holiday card with your kids on it (I am sure your mailbox has been flooded with them), whether you should lie to your kids about Santa, or if allowing dads in the delivery room is a bad idea. Sure, I am a bit selfish, and would like more content from Rebel Dad on at-home dads & involved fathers…but, why shouldn’t all parents benefit from his writing. Brian Reid has enabled me to reflect and take heed, that many of the topics that I am most interested in as an involved parent are not just topics “for dads.” Thanks Brian for broadening my lens on parenting!

How to Make it in Your Neighborhood as a New “Mother”

Lance Somerfeld — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 12:38:00 +0000

A year ago, I tacked up a few signs on the bulletin board in our building’s laundry room:

STAY-AT-HOME DAD
LOOKING TO CREATE A
DAD’s PLAYGROUP!

· I have a 3-month-old son
· Interested in meeting new dads
· Prefer to meet on weekdays during the day, but flexible

No responses ever resulted from the posting.

I was reminiscent of that failed experience this week when I read the article New Mom in a Strange Land: How to Make it in your Neighborhood as a New Mother by Jennifer Noble Colgan in the October issue of Parent Guide News.

The article mentions that “When you become a new mom or move to a new neighborhood, the isolation that results can be devastating. My experience taught me that most other moms feel the same way, but either they don’t know where to find other parents in their situation or they’re too timid to say hello. So, take a deep breath, get ready to say hi and try one of these avenues to start making friends.”

Colgan shares these six steps she used to make it in her own neighborhood as a new “mother”:
1. Go Out and Play – meet other parents at a local park or playground
2. Go Back to School (or Daycare) – use the common bond with other parents because your kids are in the same class
3. Join the Club – join a moms group…dads group…or parenting group
4. Start Your Own Group
5. Make Some Noise – meet other parents in a parenting class like music, gym, or swim
6. Post a WANTED Sign – did not apply well to this at-home-dad

If the article were titled “How to Make it in Your Neighborhood as a New & Involved FATHER,” I am wondering how the steps would remain the same, change, or be modified.

Tips for Stay-At-Home Dads from Across the Atlantic

City Dads Group — Mon, 04 May 2009 18:34:00 +0000

Recently, I was thinking about what type of advice or tips for stay-at-home dads would provide to other SAHDs to remain confident and be successful in their role. Then, over the past rainy weekend, I discovered a good website from the United Kingdom with just those kinds of tips for stay-at-home dads!

Paul Smith has been a stay-at-home dad over there for more than five years so he has a pretty good grasp about how to be successful. He already developed a more comprehensive list than I was thinking about, so instead of recreating the wheel, I would like to share Smith’s list below. To check out his list of “top tips for stay-at-home dads” and much more, visit Stay at Home Dads.co.uk.

Top Tips For Stay-At-Home Dads

Being a SAHD is hard work and is not like any other normal job. So it is good for all stay at home dads to get whatever help and advice they can from those that have experience in doing it. What follows is my advice and top tips for surviving and thriving as a modern stay at home dad.

1.) Consistency. Children need routine and consistency. You have to be consistent in the way you behave, the way you discipline and the way you do things day-to-day. If children don’t know what is happening or what to expect they will get very confused and upset. This will lead to bad behavior, irritable tempers and very frustrated children.

By having a regular routine and definite rules your children will understand what is going on and will know what is expected of them. Of course the routine is not set in stone and doesn’t need to be exact to the minute, but you do need a general schedule for each day and to keep certain things like meal times, bath times and bedtimes at roughly the same time every day.

2.) Get Out. Being stuck in the house with children all day every day is enough to make you go stir-crazy, so try to get out of the house as much as you can. Kids love getting outside and there are loads of places you can take them to such as parks, play centers, shops, libraries, museums, swimming pools, toddler groups, children’s gyms, farms and zoos.

The benefits of getting out are great, it means some exercise for you and the children, lots of stimulation, learning new things, having new experiences and meeting and interacting with people. Also children will learn how to behave in the outside world and will watch how others behave. The other big advantage of going out is that there is a lot less mess in the house to clear up when you get back.

3.) Socialize. As well as getting out of the house it is also important to meet and socialize with other people as well. Children like to play with other kids and they also learn a lot about how to behave within a group, how to share, how to make friends and how to look after themselves.

It is also good for you to get some adult company and to talk to people who are having the same experiences and problems. Although it can be quite daunting to go into a predominantly female environment, such as a parents and tots group, you may find yourself pleasantly surprised. Attitudes are changing and many groups are very welcoming to dads. If you just be yourself and show that you are dedicated and can take care of your children then you will probably soon find yourself accepted by the majority of the moms. At the end of the day you are all just parents who are trying to do the right thing and raise your children to the best of your abilities.

4.) Get A Hobby. Okay it doesn’t have to be a hobby but it is very important for you to have your own interests that don’t relate to your children.

This means that you can still retain some sense of identity, rather than just being ‘dad’ all the time, and it gives you something else to focus on. A common problem of being with young children all the time is the lack of adult stimulation and challenges, which can result in ‘mushy brain syndrome’.
By having your own interests you will keep your mind active, retain your identity, and it also means that you will have something else to talk about with friends other than your children. Furthermore it is good for your children to see that you have your own life and interests and that you are not just their daddy but a person in your own rights too.

5.) Enjoy Your Time. Being a stay at home dad is tough, tiring, demanding work. It is also very rewarding and fulfilling but often those feelings can be overwhelmed by the long days and nights of constant caring and seeing to your children’s needs. So it is important to try and have some fun and appreciate the time that you spend with your kids. They grow up very fast and you don’t want to regret not making the most of the time you had with them.

Things are changing and more and more of us men are taking on the role of full-time dad so it is vital that advice and information is available for us. I hope that you found this advice useful and that all you other stay at home dads out there are enjoying being with your children.

Photo by Picsea on Unsplash