It has been said that when children are born, instructions are not included with them. I, however, have evidence to the contrary.

In the months since the birth of our daughter, we have accumulated enough manuals and instruction booklets to keep a small team from Ikea busy assembling and running safety checks until she starts kindergarten.

We have three strollers, each with a set of instructions save one. That stroller came with four separate manuals.

Our car seat, which came essentially fully assembled, still included a 66-page instruction book. This car seat is so durable that you can strap a watermelon inside, drop it from a skyscraper and your fruit would still hit the ground fully intact.

We have several contraptions to hold our baby at different angles and heights. Instructions are not NOT included with any of them. Thank God because these devices have multiple settings and options so they sing, swing, soothe, rock, turn, swivel and tilt in various combinations and speeds. Our early favorite, a rocker, included all of the aforementioned. We call it “The Flying Saucer.” You place it under a sunny window and your baby rocks to a soothing beat until they drift off for hours of uninterrupted nap time. The instructions for this item mimic a kid’s “choose your own adventure” coloring book because of the many options for the rocker’s final use. Other seats simply sit and hold your child in one place just above ground level. Those multipage-instruction books all boil down to one simple demand: “Place seatbelt on the child.”

We have four baby carriers/slings: two for outside travels and two for in-house use. One outside option I use to take our daughter to the park daily. This baby carrier also comes with a sleeping bag attachment to keep her warm in the severe weather; those instructions are drawn in pictures on the tag. The other outdoor baby carrier is so structured and has so much storage space that I could take my child and a week’s worth of survival gear up through the Himalayas. The manuals for that, oddly, are fairly basic and straightforward.

We have attained three high chair/table seating devices. One is an ordinary A-frame type that we use next to our dinner table. Another is a travel unit that connects to any table. The third one is a “sturdier” (according to my wife) travel unit that she assures me we will need at some point. When we reach that point is anyone’s guess. These items are a bit more in-depth with instructions on how to secure your children and attach them to fixed furniture. Well, you do eat more often than you hike through Nepal.

We also have two night-sleeping units. The master crib, adorned with all of her stuffed animals hanging from each corner, was put together in the early days of pregnancy. The instructions were many, yet straightforward enough to understand the different stages of converting it from a crib to a bed as she grows. We have a co-sleeper unit that, I’m guessing by its name, aids your child in sleeping dependent on the parents. Our daughter slept in it one evening, next to our bed, until my wife decided it was easier just to lay her in our bed. So that may be the end of that. I’m thankful. Should we ever need to explore the different height settings of this co-sleeper unit, the manual and its photos indicate I might need to go back to school for a different degree.

As the seasons have changed and the blooms kick in we have had to utilize the nose suction device that pulls the runny snot from inside your nostrils. Fun for the whole family! This is not a favorite of our little girl but it’s effective. And the pictures in the instruction book are worth a thousand words!

There are, of course, many other useful items — toys, first aid, soothers, and clothing, to name a few — that we regularly use. All are accompanied by pages and pages of words that I keep in a specific drawer. And while I prided myself on never reading instructions on home goods before her birth, I am now certain to follow all manuals to the letter when assuring the safety of our little one.

They keep us all sleeping soundly! Well, most of us …

About the author

Robert Brawley is a West Coast kid who moved out to NYC. He and his wife are the proud parents of a beautiful girl.

“Instructions Not Included” was first published in 2013. Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko via Pexels.

It’s been said that the best way to learn a foreign language is to immerse yourself in the culture.

So two months into this fatherhood thing and I’ve fully immersed myself into this really screwed up world called the language of parenting.

Never before in my life have I spent so much damn time talking about poop. Not shit. Because, babies don’t do that. They “poop” or “go poopy.”

Newborns aren’t throwing up or vomiting … they are “spitting up.”

And my daughter doesn’t drool. Well, actually, apparently she does drool because, this is the term we choose to use as a crossover from both worlds. Either way, it’s still gross.

No. It is not fucking cute. It is still gross. No matter how many cute words we apply to excrement, it will always be shit. My baby shat herself last night and it was messy.

But I digress.

Along with the language of parenting comes this entirely new world of marketing to parents. It’s a scary, deceitful business, my friends. You will literally be smacked upside the head with every single marketing tactic in the playbook to try and lure you into this web of spending on utter bullshit.

From diaper wipe warmers to chairs that electronically swing themselves to apps that monitor your child’s bodily functions, there is something for everything and for everyone. For example, I can control the motion of my daughter’s nap chair from my iPhone and toss on some background tunes to the sound of rain while the seat rotates to mask the rhythm of an ocean wave. All while I chill out on the reclining “glider.” Note: It’s not a rocking chair … it’s a glider, because we have to add a crafty little marketing title so we can force you to pay another $200-300. Because, eff you.

In fact, as I write this post, I’m looking across the room at my daughter as she rotates on her MamaRoo chair. The best part? She’s totally not entertained by the actual built-in mobile that hangs over her head while she rocks. She’s more interested in her hands that she recently started to discover.

And that is actually the dirty little secret: the babies don’t know any better and don’t need all of that technology to have a good time.

My in-laws came to visit recently and were stunned at all the gadgets and stuff we have furnished in our teeny-tiny little closet-sized apartment here in Manhattan. Matter of fact, until about a week ago, my daughter hated everything anyway.

We’ve got a specially designed floor mat with a hanging decoration (ugh, “mobile”) and built-in walls that entrap your tot like a felon at Clinton Max. It’s all adorned in colors and cute animals, so you know … it’s not really like a prison. It’s cute. But not at first to my daughter. It might as well have actually been the clink.

Same with that damn MamaRoo. We tried that bad boy on day one from the hospital. It took a daily dedication and vigilance for us to finally get the offspring to enjoy that thing … six weeks later.

Meanwhile a few notes on this contraption: First off – screw that name, because you know, dads apparently don’t give a shit if the baby is chillin’. Second – how someone hasn’t made this thing in an adult version for grown-ass men is a total fail. Imagine watching football while sitting in this rocking chair, errr — glider, on steroids? I’m looking at you, Apple. Make up for the iWatch.

Here’s the big takeaway: avoid the marketing hype. For my first-time fathers out there, you are going to run into a million and one baby books and friends and family members and coworkers and advertisements and social media posts and all sorts of crap in between begging you and pulling at you and imploring you to buy [blank] because “your baby will love it” or because “you NEED this to survive parenting.” False.

Stay strong, my friends.

You do need some very basic things to get by; because how the hell do you think your child will be able to survive without a diaper wipe warmer, bro? (Editor’s note: His two kids did.) But, don’t be that dude that loads up on product after product because it looks shiny. Your kid won’t know the difference. You’ll just clutter up your house. And you could actually probably end up saving money in the long run.

A version of this first appeared on Daddy Mind Tricks.

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap – as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down – can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overly tired toddler, so sometimes the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of parenting are reminiscent of prison. Complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

10 Ways Parenting a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

• You can’t do anything without constant supervision
• Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up
• You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower
• You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night
• Meal time is fraught with tension
• Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom
• You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering
• You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon
• Contraband – like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment – must be smuggled in and consumed in secret
• Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison

• Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

The biggest similarity between prison and parenting? There is NO ESCAPE. In fact, you often crawl through miles of shit-smelling foulness without any payoff at all.

And parole ain’t for 18 years.

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.

Photo: Brujita via photopin (license)

As a parent of a child who has recently mastered the art of climbing in and out of his crib and made napping an extreme challenge, I was not surprised to learn that about 10,000 infants and toddlers are hurt in crib, play pen, and pack n’ play accidents each year.  I came across this interesting Associated Press Health & Science announcement by Lindsey Tanner based on the first nationwide analysis of emergency room treatment for these injuries.

I know one dad that said his two year old son stays in his crib all night, but when he gets up a little too early in the morning on occasion and asks for “daddy”…the father shouts for the boy to climb out and hop into bed with him.  After sharing this recent research study, this concerned dad said he would change his tune based on the danger of climbing out.  Especially, based on this 19 year study (1990 – 2008), “Most injuries were from falls in toddlers between ages 1 and 2 – generally old enough to attempt climbing out of a crib or playpen.”

The article suggests a few key points to reduce crib related injuries:

The study’s Smith said parents can help prevent injuries by lowering the crib’s mattress when children grow tall enough to lean over the rails, or, with drop-side cribs, not leaving children unattended when the side is lowered. Children should be moved to toddler beds when they reach 35 inches tall, he said.  But Smith stressed that sturdy cribs are the safest place to sleep for smaller infants and toddlers. They should be placed on their backs, with no padding or pillows.

To read more about this research study, check out the medical journal article in Pediatrics.

Here is to wishing that none of our readers have had a child affected by a crib related injury and providing you with a recent research study that might scare you enough to be a little more careful when it comes to your child’s crib….

Climbing out of the crib is a sign of a major turning point in your child’s life and yours.

+  +  +

For the past two years, my wife and I have been enjoying our sleep because our son was well sleep trained and spent most nights sound asleep in his crib from 8 p.m. to 7 a.m. We did not consider what would happen when our son outgrows his crib and is no longer “quarantined” to a confined space ….

The scene: I put my son, Jake, down to sleep at 8 Wednesday night, which is our normal bedtime routine. The little guy sleeps in his own room down the hall from our bedroom. He is a solid sleeper and enjoys sleeping in his crib. My wife and I are not the parents who did co-sleeping in our bedroom or allow our son to sleep in our bed.  So, you can imagine my surprise, when someone was tapping me out of a deep sleep at 2 in the morning, and it wasn’t my wife. Jake was holding an empty box of tissues from our bathroom and telling me that we “need new box of tissues.” Instead of explaining to Jake that I don’t need a tissue, nor do I have to refill the box at 2 a.m., I scooped him up and quietly placed him back into his crib. As some parents know, the game was over for having our toddler contained in his crib every night.

Fortunately, Jake decided to spend the rest of the night in his crib (I still didn’t sleep a wink as I was half expecting him to come back later for another visit or imagined him scampering around the apartment unsupervised). When he awoke in the morning, he decided climbing out of the crib was best, did so and visited me while I was in the shower. As an active father who takes napping, sleeping and schedules pretty seriously, I realized things were not going to fare well for his afternoon nap. The scene here was almost comical: I put our son down for his afternoon nap and watched via the video monitor him climbing in and out of the crib at will … it was a game to him. To avoid injury, I popped the little guy into his stroller, and he fell asleep as soon as we hit the great outdoors.

I was exhausted and fed up that things were slowly going to spiral out of control. We went to Planet Kidz, a local and overpriced one-stop shop for everything baby/toddler. I bought a pressurized gate for my son’s room and a bed rail to keep him inside what would become his “Big Boy Bed” as soon as we got home. I was determined to get back on track with the sleep routine!

I pulled off the front side of the crib and converted it into a “big boy bed.” The next step was to discuss some of my challenges with a friendly and knowledgeable sleep expert, Dr. Whitney Roban of Sleep-EEZ-Kidz. Sure, the door gate made common sense for safety, but I was treading in uncharted territory, and wanted to ensure I was navigating on the right path. Dr. Roban suggested:

• a reward system similar to that of a potty training process to incentivize my son to stay in his bed instead of roaming free in his room all night.
• NOT to put a comfy duvet cover on the floor in case my son rolls off (my intended plan) so his new bed becomes his ONLY sleep option.

How are things going?

Most importantly, Jake’s night sleep seems to be a fairly smooth transition. He sleeps in his big boy bed through the night and goes down relatively quickly. The main difference is in the morning.  When he hears my wife getting ready for work, he knows he can pop out of bed independently, so he is up a bit earlier and stands by his door calling for us ready to start the day.

Unfortunately, my son’s nap is an utter disaster since the transition to the toddler day bed. We use the same routine in the past of lunch, books, nap time … only, as soon as I close his door, he pops out of his bed and starts playing with everything in sight.

Day 1: I watched him in the monitor throwing his balls all over the place and then neatly place all 20 of them in his bed = no nap.

Day 2: I tried again to nap him in his room – no such luck! After watching him climb on his toddler guard rail and jump down several times as well as throwing the balls around the room — I scooped him up for a stroller nap — he napped for 90 minutes in the stroller.

Day 3: I tried again to nap him in his room without the balls or the toys he usually plays with — no such luck! He found some other stuff that was entertaining – like his books and stuffed animals. After watching him climb onto his toddler guard rail and use that as a chance to climb over the gate on his door, I threw down the towel.  I scooped him up for a stroller nap – he napped for 90 minutes in the stroller.

I have learned a lot through this extremely frustrating nap process. First, my son in still in need of an afternoon nap. Second, psychologically, even though he is exhausted, the freedom of his room during a daytime nap, trumps sleep. Third, I need my son to take his nap so I can have some downtime.  Fourth, the stroller works, but what happens in the event of rain or snow: S.O.L? Fifth, I refuse to try to nap my son in his room anymore so he does not learn any negative behaviors that could translate to night sleep. Finally, these nap challenges that I am facing and whining about are not major issues. Most importantly, for the most part, our son is a healthy and happy toddler … and that is what really counts for our family.  This phase will end at some point, but I would be fibbing to you if I din’t say it is driving me bonkers.

Please feel free to share your best practices or infinite wisdom on how to get my son to be successful at napping at home again.

Photo: IMG_2315 via photopin (license)

If you have been paying attention, there has been a lot of recent activity at the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), with new rules on baby cribs, walkers, bath seats, etc. Do parents still have faith in what they buy for their kids, after so many recalls? Does some of the new moves by federal officials help to restore your trust in the things you buy for your kids?

At the heart of these new regulations, are the need to address major hazards with drop-side cribs and crib mattresses.  Safety Regulators Have New Urgency Over Baby Products by Liz Szabo, USA Today, was published today to heighten awareness among more parents.  Szabo is a great journalist and has a knack for exploring important parenting issues with depth and interesting angles.  I imagine many of us are parents with young children that sleep in drop-size cribs, so there is a sense of genuine urgency and concern here.

“It would be nice to know that these products are evaluated ahead of time, before something goes wrong,” Lin says.

Congress passed the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act in 2008 partly to break the cycle of recalls. The law requires the safety commission to set new safety standards for cribs and other nursery staples.
“Thirty-two families have lost children (in the past nine years) because of these drop-sides,” Tenenbaum (of the CPSC) says. “Waiting until there is an injury or accident is not the most effective way to ensure safety.”

The article does mention that certain retailers (i.e. Babies R’ Us) have already stopped selling drop-size cribs even though the new regulations are not scheduled to take effect until next Summer.  Also, worth checking out, are Szabo’s notes about using safer products like cordless blinds, and avoiding sweatshirts with drawstrings,.

Also, worth noting about the article, is an interesting observation made by Matt S.  John Lin, featured in the story, is an example of an active father. Matt said, “I’m really happy that we (dads) are being included in this kind of piece that doesn’t differentiate between fatherhood and motherhood.”  Surely, USA Today could have featured a mom in the piece and we wouldn’t have thought twice about it.  Special mention for John Lin’s contribution here… and that he is one of our NYC Dads Group members!

In NYC, the “transfer” of your child from car to crib might be more challenging than in the suburbs. Let me explain…

The other night we came back late from Long Island. We did the usual bedtime routine in Long Island & our son fell asleep in his car seat on the way back to NYC. We pull up in the car next to our building at 8:30 pm on Sunday night. First, I need to unstrap my sleeping son and sling him over my shoulder (no problem). As I exit the car, another car pulls up behind us & it happens to be my friend Rick. Obstacle #1: He shouts over to me, “Are you guys coming back from the beach?” I shoot him the look of death with my eyes that says “don’t wake my little guy or else.” Obstacle #2: I walk into our bustling building that is lit up bright as day. My little guy remains asleep.

Next, we travel through the spacious lobby toward the elevator bank. Obstacle #3: All elevators are currently in transit so I wait IMPATIENTLY for that darn elevator to arrive. Sure enough, several people come over to the elevator bank to wait as well. Now, there is a small army waiting and chatting by the elevator. It finally arrives & my son wakes up. Darn!

We are going up in the elevator packed like sardines. My son is still slung over my shoulder, but he is looking all around to check out the action and conversations. I am making shushing sounds to keep him calm, but he starts to get excited as some of the passengers ‘coo’ and make eyes with him. Internal thinking: “Don’t you all understand – my son should be sleeping now so stop trying to get him excited.” Not only was I thinking this, but my facial expressions towards the others was far from friendly. We stop on what feels like every floor. Finally, we arrive at our door and our son is now wide awake…so much for a successful transfer.

Sure, we would not have to deal with many of these obstacles if we lived out in the suburbs. BUT, I am not ready to give up the city life just yet.