In a few months, I’ll be able to once again hold a newborn in my arms. This time, a sweet little boy. I’m looking forward to the moment I get to meet him. But being the planner I am, I needed to make sure I felt prepared for what that meant. I knew how to be a dad for a girl, but could I do so for a boy?

As someone who’s taken a deep dive into feminist issues to be more conscious of how to raise our daughter, I felt a little intimidated by what it would mean to raise a boy. 

When I bring that up, everyone tells me raising a boy is easier or it should come so much easier for me to father a boy than a girl. A 2018 Gallup poll of Americans even said 2-to-1 that they thought raising a boy is easier. But if that were the case, would men’s mental health issues be as prevalent as they are today? Doesn’t the way society dictates gender norms have a lot to do with the commonality all men feel in our resistance to sharing our true emotions? 

I know how much impact toxic masculinity can have on a child. I know its effects can stay long through adulthood. I’ve worked on my own traumas relating to that in order to make me better for my family. But how can I prevent my child from being damaged by this and repeating a cycle? 

I don’t know the answer yet. I suspect the reason this is even an issue is we are quick to box what we expect from each gender at such an early age. I’m doing it now, but I am trying to learn to parent without expectations of who my children will be. We have to let kids be.

We need to be careful not to persuade them to like certain things simply because they are male or female. As responsible parents, we must give them the environment to explore whether it’s playing in the dirt or with dolls. Kids like what they like (I tried preventing my daughter from liking princesses, for example, but she’s all about it now).

Also, I know that the learnings I’ve had regarding feminism and raising my daughter should only be amplified for my son. Raising a child on empathy and respect should be a priority, regardless.

Finally, I know that there’s so much more to learn. I’ll need to keep up my self-education. By learning more about men’s health, feminism, gender identity issues, and doing more self-work, I hope that I can continuously be better, for both my son and my daughter. 

A version of ‘Raising a Boy’ first appeared on Being Papa. Photo: © kieferpix / Adobe Stock.

I challenged myself to go a full year without social media in March 2021.

At the time, I was recovering from the brutality of the first full pandemic year with all the polarization and fear it brought from doomscrolling through newsfeeds. I found myself constantly consuming content I wasn’t seeking; scrolling endlessly throughout many moments of my day for something to spike my dopamine levels enough to evoke an emotion.

Then I watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix. It’s an enlightening documentary about how social media is designed to hook and manipulate us. This made me contemplate all the effects it had on me. That’s when I knew I needed to take action. 

Risks, benefits of going cold turkey

However, as someone who has been active on social media since the days of Myspace and who needs to stay updated on platforms for my career’s sake, I kept finding excuses to avoid limiting my social media use.

Finally, I decided — I’d go cold turkey. For a year.

I was expecting FOMO — Fear of Missing Out. I readied myself for anxiety from being away from constantly updating feeds. But I knew in the long run, it would be good for me.

And it was.

Stopping my social media consumption gave me back so much time for myself. It made me feel liberated. And, I can’t believe how much better it made me for my family’s sake.

During the first week, I noticed how my fingers would automatically click on the folder where my apps once were on my phone, only to not find any. Similarly, I found myself typing in facebook.com on my browser throughout many times of the day. I soon realized I didn’t know how to properly be bored anymore. Any chance I got, I was spending it on consuming content.

Sleep, independence, clear-headedness

Over time, I began to do more of the little things I enjoyed. I started doodling a lot more, reading in-depth articles on things I truly enjoyed and reading more books because I would scroll less in the mornings. My sleep is better probably due to the lack of blue light from my phone. I was enjoying and controlling more of my own time.  

Another benefit for me was my sense of independence. Maybe it was the lack of unsolicited news content or an echo chamber of like-minded thinking, or even an urgency to send out virtue signaling, but I have never felt like such an independent thinker. I no longer feel aligned with any party or thought process. The decisions I made for myself and my family were truly mine. I felt free to have my own opinion, and since I can’t post, I don’t have to worry about sharing it with people that I otherwise wouldn’t be talking to on a day-to-day basis.

The adage that “ignorance is bliss” did play true here and, honestly, I really like this bubble I’ve created. It’s free of external judgment and I no longer seek virtual validation of my opinions. 

With all these changes, my mind was also clearer. I was more intentional, and with that, a better person for my family. No longer did I ignore a beautiful moment when my daughter is dancing in front of me because I was busy reading an article or editing a picture. I took incredible in-the-moment pictures because I wasn’t worrying about how it would look when I posted them. My conversations with my wife were so much more creative, aspirational and exciting as we moved away from discussing current events and topical news. I felt much more present.

Stay without social media or return to the apps?

Even though I originally felt I wasn’t THAT MUCH engrained in social media, removing myself from it showed me just how much it was seeping its way through my life. 

So what are my next steps? As much as I have enjoyed this journey, I don’t know if it’s sustainable for me.

One key thing that was missing was the sense of connection I felt with some people. Although much of the “social” part of social media has been lost, some people I connected with on social media were not people I could just call or text with. As much as I could say I didn’t need surface-level connections with people in that way, it wasn’t the case. I found myself wanting to know what was going on in their lives, their families and their adventures. I missed out on celebrating major life moments for others. Ironically, the motivation for self-improvement I received from some really inspiring people was also now missing in my life. 

So now the hard part has come:

• How can I go back to social media without losing all the benefits I gained without it?
• How can I use it for the true social aspect without consuming it like I did before? Is that even possible?
• I loved how I have felt this past year, so have I really weighed the pros and cons of returning?
• In my field of work, it could be dangerous to not understand the social environments I can market in and how they evolve if I am not a consumer of them. But is that enough of a compelling reason to return?

It’s difficult. I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. Because of that, I’m figuring out just how I will return and to what extent. One thing I do know, though. I need to find the tools and put the parameters in place now to allow me to use these platforms differently than I had before.

Or maybe I’ll just stick to this blissful bubble. I kind of can’t wait until I run into someone I haven’t seen in years and really mean it when I say, “Let’s catch up. 

Photo: ©dusanpetkovic1 / Adobe Stock.

EDITOR’S NOTE: City Dads Group is working with longtime partner Dove Men+Care to create “how to” videos for the grooming products company’s “Dads Care” campaign. We will be featuring the videos and scripts our members appear in. This one features Marlon Gutierrez of our Orlando Dads Group talking about how to support your pregnant partner.

My wife is nine months pregnant and she’s due at any time now with our second baby. It’s been a very stressful time to say the least. There’s a lot of things that have happened (like COVID-19, my suffering a dislocated shoulder and more) that we could have never planned for. While there’s nothing we dads can do to take away all the stress and anxiety that comes with this very difficult time, there are some things that we can do to provide better support for our pregnant partner or spouse.

Get educated on pregnancy (and more)

It’s important for you to not only get educated on what pregnancy is all about but also on the labor, the delivery and also what happens postpartum. It may seem overwhelming to find a lot of this information, but thankfully there’s a lot of resources that you can tap into. There’s books written by other dads for you to get a clear picture of what’s going on. There’s also some courses you can take, with or without your partner, online or in person.  We found doing ones together really helped prepare us and put us in the right mindset for everything coming our way. It helped us feel like we had a little bit more control about the whole situation.

Prepare your home for baby

Put some time into a creative outlet like building the nursery and gather baby supplies so everything is ready when your child arrives. Order things early just in case there’s a shipping delay so your not scrambling at the last minute. Create a nursery environment that’s going to feel very safe and nurturing. After we created ours, we found it to be a place we could both go to break away from all the stress. Make it a place you can go to disconnect from the news of the world and just think about your baby and the hopes and aspirations you have for him or her.

Give physical support to your pregnant partner

Ask your partner if there’s anything you can take off her plate: if there’s a big decision that needs to be made or things around the house to get done so there is one less thing she needs to worry about. With the pregnancy, there comes a lot of hormonal imbalances and other things that create stress. Your being present and helpful are great ways to help with those things.

Offer emotional support, too

You have to be a friend. Make sure you’re open and you’re flexible to hearing anything your partner may say without having to react to it. Right now your partner just needs a support person they can talk to about whatever fears and apprehensions she may have.

Take care of yourself

If you’re gonna be the person that your partner needs and the dad you want to be, you have to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself. With everything going on in your home and the world, there’s a lot of stress and anxiety you are feeling. There’s a lot of things that you probably don’t share with your partner because you don’t want to add on to her stress. One thing I have found really helps me is to connect with other dads. Whether it is through an online group or in person, it has worked really well.

Support your pregnant partner photo: © Rido / Adobe Stock.

EDITOR’S NOTE: City Dads Group is working with longtime partner Dove Men+Care to create “how to” videos for the grooming products company’s “Dads Care” campaign. We will be featuring the videos and scripts our members appear in. This one features Marlon Gutierrez of our Orlando Dads Group, with a little help from his daughter, Isabella, in photo above, talking about how to keep kids occupied while you are working from home.

I’m not an expert, but both my wife and I have been working remote for the last five years: three-and-half of those years where we had this little munchkin around with us. 

How have we survived? How do we keep her entertained all day?

Before we get to that, the first thing you’ve got to tackle is your mindset. Remember, you’re no longer in the office. You’ll never be able to replicate that structure, so: be flexible, be kind to yourself and remember that every change is hard at first. Also good to know that every kid is different, but you’ll eventually find what works for you. 

For us, these five things really work to help keep kids occupied while you work from home: 

1. Rotate toys. If you give your kids access to all their toys, they’ll tire of them quickly. We put away some of her toys and bring out older ones so she has something fresh to play with. That way, it keeps her more engaged. 
2. Give them their own work station. At this age, they want to be just like us. That’ll eventually change, but for now take advantage of that and let them feel like they have to go to work, too. We have a little desk setup for her where she does educational activities like books, arts and crafts, and her education apps. 
3. Be strategic on screen time. We limit it so that it doesn’t lose it’s magic. We do educational apps on a tablet, or pop in a movie only when we need some time for either a call or some work. Keep it strategic and it’ll be like a treat for her. 
4. Give them more complex projects. Not ones that are too hard because they’ll give up. Instead you want something that’ll take some time for them to complete. You can pull out the watercolors, an empty box that they can convert into a house, or pull out the Legos if your kids are into those.
5. Have them work with you. As you already know, kids crave your attention the most when they feel you just can’t give it. So when you have a slow day, or just need to work on something light, Pop ’em on your lap and have them color or watch you work. This way, they don’t associate work with you being away from them. And many times they’ll get bored and leave anyway.

Blissful. That’s pretty much how it felt to hold my baby son in my arms after such a stressful 37 weeks of a pandemic pregnancy.

He is here, healthy and strong, and my wife, Stef, is doing well after having a beautiful labor experience in the comfort of our own home. His birth was a sigh of relief from so much anguish and worry that kept me from exhaling for so long.

We went through so many challenges during this pandemic pregnancy. First, we thought our baby wasn’t going to make it full-term. What started as weird pregnancy symptoms eventually became a medical concern for pre-term labor. Coupled with my wife’s lupus, we thought perhaps he wasn’t going to be able to make it.

We started the second trimester with my wife on medical-ordered bed rest. It was a moment in my life where I was really struggling to be OK amidst everything going on. I needed to be there not only for my wife, our unborn child, and our preschooler daughter, but also for myself and my responsibilities. Many times I questioned the timing of everything.

We went through other sad moments during this time, like the death of two people close to our family. And the struggles of mental health, as I was learning to cope with generalized anxiety and seeking therapy for what I had noticed become unhealthy behaviors in my thinking and increasing patterns of worrying. Then amidst a move to a new house and a job change for me, we got hit with the pandemic.

A pandemic pregnancy. Reports from China showed that COVID-19 affected pregnant women by causing pre-term labor, something Stef was already at-risk for. Then when the virus was ravaging through New York, we were so uncomfortable with the stories of mothers having to labor alone – or worse; having to be separated from their children because they were born with the virus.

Stress, anxiety, a dislocated shoulder

We had just bought a house and I had started a new job that now didn’t seem guaranteed. Our rental properties had tenants who were getting laid off and couldn’t pay rent. We chose to have an extensive self-quarantine. No grocery trips. No visitations. We had midwives come to check up on the baby instead of going to a clinic for appointments. And in the span of 13 weeks of self-quarantine, we had to learn how to be OK in a home that we couldn’t finish furnishing and with a preschooler that has always enjoyed socializing and being anywhere BUT home now having to do online classes at age 3. I became obsessed with the virus, at one point worrying if I was to catch it from just being outside in our yard.

But alas. 37 weeks. That’s the magic number they give for a pregnancy to be considered full-term and for it to be legally OK in Florida to have a baby at home. Then, the day after we get the all-clear, I dislocated my shoulder during an at-home workout. I had such a fear of the hospital that we first tried to pop it back using YouTube videos to teach me how. I ended up having to go to the ER, where I thought I would for sure I’f be bringing back the infection and possibly miss out on my son’s birth.

But something happened in that ER. I was there alone. Not only did it ease my fear of exposure to the virus, but it also reminded me that there was a world outside our home. That soon it was my job to raise a little boy in a way he deserved.

I thought of conversations I had with my wife regarding the mental impact this must be having on our daughter – and that soon she was about to go through a major change in her life as she became one of two kids. I don’t know what it was, but it clicked for me that I just needed to enjoy whatever was in front of me, regardless of a situation I couldn’t control. Being this affected hadn’t allowed me to enjoy the moment. My wife had hit 37 weeks. Both she and the baby were healthy. My daughter was happy and an incredible being. And that in itself should have been enough. I got my shoulder popped back in, with good wishes from the amazing medical staff who together had given me more social interaction than I had in months.

From then on, my outlook changed on everything. We left our house for the first time. We decided to go to a plant nursery and see what it was like to go to a place with other patrons. We became OK with walking on a golf course in our neighborhood. We recorded our first TikTok video, which was a great deal of fun and got us enjoying the beauty that was my wife being pregnant. Each day was the last we could be as a family of three, and we were milking it.

Pandemic pregnancy to beautiful birth

Just five days after my shoulder injury, our little boy made his debut to the world in a crazy short two-hour labor. The labor was beautiful. Stef woke up to strong contractions around 1:30 on the morning of May 24. I called the labor team of two midwives, our doula, and a doula-photographer who were going to be making their way over from all parts of Orlando.

At 3:32 a.m., I had the opportunity to catch him as he made his way to the world. The oxytocin that must’ve formed after seeing my wife lovingly breathe our baby out could have been why my shoulder and arm seem to work fine and all I could feel at that moment was the silence of the world as I laid eyes with my son.

I had not enjoyed this pregnancy the same way as I did our first. I didn’t bond with my baby in utero as I did with my daughter. I was worried most of the time, in fear of missing out on the moment of being able to ever hold him. And here he was, all 6.4 lbs of human in my hands. It was one of those moments where everything stops and the meaning of life gets just so simple. The world stops spinning amidst things happening right in front of you, but instead of the past flashing before your eyes, it’s little glimpses of all your dreams of the future, bundled in a physical manifestation of love.

None of the worries I had seemed to matter. Not the quarantine, not the effects of labor, or the stresses of the pregnancy. It was bliss. A moment of perfection where everything just seems to be right.

And now here we are – still in a chaotic, non-ideal planet for so many reasons, but in a state of happiness with our boy. We’re getting ready to reintegrate into society once more. And while we don’t know how that looks like yet, we are enjoying this little bundle of joy, seeing my daughter take on her role of big sister, and experiencing everything that comes forth as I become a dad once more to another living being. Another little miracle. One with the potential to leave his own mark on the world.

A version of this pandemic pregnancy story first appeared on Being Papa. All photos contributed by Marlon Gutierrez.

As I set up my workspace in the new house our family just moved into, I started thinking about all my friends who are now working from home for the first time because of coronavirus closings and quarantines. I remember being overwhelmed when I started remote work five years ago. I felt there was no way I could be productive. After a week or two, though, I realized remote work from home would let me capitalize my productivity on my own terms. Now I’m pretty sure I will never be going back to working in an office.

Here are some tips I’ve learned about being the most productive remote worker and work-at-home parent you can be. Any statistics cited come from the website Buffer and this year’s State of Remote Report:

Set boundaries between remote work, home life

The biggest struggle for remote workers (22%) is unplugging after work. Set boundaries for yourself and disconnect from work when you need to. Set up different computer accounts for work and personal, so that you can turn off the work one when you’re done. Don’t answer emails on your personal time. Remember that now you won’t have to do all your work between the hours of 9 and 5 so feel free to capitalize on your productivity and do your work when you know you’re most productive. Limit access to social media to keep yourself from falling into a trap.

Connect with friends

The second-largest struggle for remote workers (18%) is social isolation. Through remote work, you have more flexibility to take a call from a friend or text anyone throughout the day in moments when you may be less busy. Leverage that and use it as an opportunity to connect with others in your life outside of just co-workers.

Get the right work-at-home tools

Several apps and programs help remote work structures. Zoom is my favorite for video calls and I couldn’t really live without Slack as my main method of communication. I have also found success with many agile methodologies like Scrum and tools that help with project management like Jira, Trello or Clubhouse. For hardware, get a second monitor if you do a lot of data or are used to a second screen. For calls, audio and video, you’ll need a pair of headphones that feel good when you wear them long-term. Finally, work from a desk, not from a couch or bed or a folding table.

Limit distractions

Ah, yes, it’s an easy time to catch up on some Netflix shows. But put a limit on these kinds of long breaks or background noises. It’s fine if you’re doing execution work that is mundane and semi-automatic, but if you need to think through things, these will keep you from finishing. Cut ’em out.

Pick your home office location

You need a place with plenty of light. If you have video conferences, you’ll look better if you have a window or light behind the camera. (Trust me, I’ve had meetings at 4 a.m. where that trick has come in handy). Oh, and whatever room you choose has to be one that you like.

Dress for your goal

This is probably psychological, but — dang — does it help me. If I need to finish something quickly, I put on my sneakers and need to be in a sitting position. For me, just putting sneakers on makes me feel more agile. If you’re working barefoot, it may feel too relaxing — which is fine if you’re doing some easy tasks or listening in on calls. If you want to deliver a good presentation, put on a jacket; pants, however, are optional (just don’t stand up while the camera is on).

Take breaks

Do this often. Whenever you’re feeling burnt out, just get up and walk around. Mingle with your family or check up on your friends. Walk outside, if you have access, so you get some sun. It’s better than wasting time and talking smack around the water cooler, I promise.

Drink plenty of liquids

Keep hydrated. It keeps you from going through brain fog. If you’re a caffeine junkie, try including some teas throughout the day so it increases your water intake without overloading the caffeine.

Communicate your work-at-home schedule

Let your family know what your upcoming day looks like. I let my wife know whether it’s a “meeting day,” “strategy day,” “easy day,” etc. It’s important that everyone in the house knows what your day is like so they know how to navigate around it as well.

Time for play

The biggest benefit of remote work is the time you’re given back. No commuting, no wasteful water cooler talk, no losing time in unproductive office games. Use the time you gain to do something for yourself that you’ve always wanted to do. Learn. For me, it’s a chance to enjoy the extra time with my family: getting to squeeze my little one every time I take a break, and getting to enjoy a little break for a quick cuddle with my wife. Make the time yours.

A version of this post first appeared on Being Papa. Photo: Marlon Gutierrez.

The stress and commotion of the workplace can attach to you like a leech. By the time you get home from another long work day, any desire you had to do anything with your family can suddenly become the lowest of priorities. You kick your feet up and reach for the remote, but …

You know dang well that your kid and family need you. They want you to play, help with things around the house, and plan for the future.

But you are just so exhausted.

So how does one find the “life” in work-life balance?

I’ve been on a constant search for that during the past few years. I look to determine what I can do to light a flame, get a second (or third) wind, and make myself more emotionally available to my wife and daughter. One of the major changes I made was to start working from home, but that’s not an option for everyone. As such, I’ve gathered the best advice I have heard or received that has allowed me to be a better partner, father and person by achieving work-life balance:

Seek flexible work-life schedules

Work-life balance starts at the workplace. In the same way a good employee should be loyal, take on tough assignments and make decisions that are good for the company, a good employer should do the same for a valued employee.

Don’t be afraid to ask your employer for arrangements that make things easier for you. Can you work from home one day a week? Could you leave early on certain days to pick the kids up from school? You’ll be surprised at how many companies are willing to do this to keep their best people. All you have to do is ask.

If you feel this may come with repercussions from your peers or bosses, think about your role as a father. You probably already have the mindset that you need to provide for your family, so use that. Realize that your responsibility is to provide in all ways — not just financially, but also with time. Pressure your employers to value you or find a company that will. The ThirdPath Institute helps people do just this and can be a great work-life resource to tap into.

Structure life as you do work

I better understood what needed to be done around my home by organizing tasks in the same way I did at the office. My job uses several productivity tools and programs to track what needs to be done. We decided to adopt one for our home! We use Trello to create and update our to-do lists in the same way that I do for work.

This helps you can start treating home tasks as extensions of your job because, ultimately, your day job is only one to fulfill your responsibilities as a father. It’s going to feel good to get items off your checklist and doing it in an environment that you understand will help you achieve those quicker.

Dress for the success

For work, you gotta dress for the part, right? Do the same at home. For me, if I dress too comfortably, I equate it to relaxation and I don’t want to do anything. My daughter, just as any toddler, requires a lot of energy, so the best way to dress to keep up with her is by throwing on my running shoes and workout clothes. Wearing my running shoes just  psychologically makes me more agile and keeps me from just laying around.

Learn, obey your sleep patterns

What really helped me use my time more efficiently was understanding my sleep patterns, particularly when it’s impossible to get a full eight hours of sleep.

Basically, a sleep cycle lasts 90 minutes and goes through five different stages. Within those stages, there are shallow/light periods of sleep and deep/heavy ones. The secret is waking up when you’re in light, shallow sleep. If you do, you won’t feel so groggy and you’ll wake up in a much better mood. This means you can feel more refreshed even when waking up earlier if you do it while you’re in a light sleep period. You can use that to extra time for either yourself or to get things done so you have less to do later.

A bunch of fancy tools can help you map your sleep cycles, many found within fitness wearables. If you want to use any of these, an app called Sleep Time can help you via your smartphone.

Once you figure out your optimal sleep times, you can make it a routine to go to sleep and wake at the same time. I use a light-emitting alarm clock that mimics the sun rising over a 30 minute period. I lets me naturally wake up during light sleep without those obnoxious alarm clock sounds that pierce right through your soul.

Cleanse from time-drainers

This one is hard because it takes sacrifice. If your family struggles for time with you, then time-drainers shouldn’t be given any priority. I’m talking about TV, sports, video games, Netflix, social media … you know, those things that suck up your time but you always somehow make excuses for.

You don’t have to stop these things altogether, but you should really focus on decreasing your time with them. We think these are things make us who we are, but as soon as you get rid of them you’ll realize how much you don’t need really need them. I have a hard time with binge-watching TV shows. Whenever I get started, it’s hard for me to stop so I try my best to avoid getting sucked into a new one.

Don’t be discouraged if you fall into a wave-like pattern of alternating good and bad periods. The important thing is recognizing the valleys and then trying to correct course.

Give time to yourself

Finally, carve out “me” time where you can. This could be going to the gym or a taking a break to consciously enjoy a time-drainer. Talk to your partner so they understand you need to occasionally decompress, but limit these breaks so they happen either when your time isn’t needed by your family/job (such as early in the morning before work), or perhaps on certain days you feel like you may need them most (Monday Night Football, anyone?). Setting up this time will keep you also looking out for yourself and I assume can do well for mental health.

Try these work-life balance tips out and see if they work for you. Be that super dad you know you’re capable of being and make time work in your favor.

Work-life balance achieved photo by Val Vesa on Unsplash.

Even before becoming a dad, I always thought my role as a father was to be the family’s provider. I grew up in an environment where undoubtedly that was the case, and it was reinforced by the corporate environment where I started my career because the culture there highly valued money over time. Therefore, it’s no surprise that I grew fascinated with focusing on my career and making as much money as I could, even at the expense of my personal time.

Then — boom.

My wife and I had to deal with a series of health issues. First, it was mine: a serious case of shingles that evolved into neuralgia caused by the stress of working in a toxic environment. Some time after that, my wife had a serious flare-up of lupus, an autoimmune disease triggered by stress.

While my wife was ill, I still went to the office while she went to doctor’s appointments and dealt with the pain by herself. It was a rough period for us. As a man, I had so much pride that I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. Not family, friends, not co-workers. The investment properties we managed got neglected and we lost money every month. I became frustrated and anxious. Yet I didn’t want to give up my job for fear of not being able to provide.

After seeing less than minimal improvements in my wife’s health for about two months, I realized I wasn’t providing for my family in the way that really mattered. Was the priority of the household of the moment to focus on money? We had bills, of course, but there’s so much more to life than living to work. I should’ve been giving time — my time — instead.

Not giving time an unrecoverable loss

Many of us men have this perplexing thought in which we assume that just by being at work we are doing a service to our family. In reality, we can make a living in so many other ways that also allow you to be home so you can enjoy and help the people you love most.

So we made big decisions. We moved from Miami to Orlando to leave the stressful lifestyle we associated with the city and take advantage of the equity we had gained on a home we had purchased near there. I gathered the courage to quit my job only for my employer to be offer me an opportunity to hold on to it while working remotely.

I quickly began to realize how much time is wasted at an office.

My newly discovered free time helped relieve stresses for both of us. I worked when I was most productive, and I embraced things that I didn’t have time for before. I became more active in the household, and my wife and I focused on health by eating better, working out and trying to lead a less stressful lifestyle. After just a few months of focusing on ourselves and not our jobs, her lupus went into remission.

The lessons I learned from that period of my life still influence my decisions years later. Before having my daughter, I took a different job with a company where everyone worked remotely and offered better paternity leave. I started seeing my job as just a paycheck but, surprisingly, I was also doing well in it. Since my daughter’s birth, I’ve had titles such as senior marketing manager, VP of marketing and now “Head of Growth.” But when people ask what I do, first and foremost, I talk about being a dad. Then I’ll talk about our real estate investments and then, if I feel like it, I’ll talk about my job. I no longer tie my identity to my career, and it’s allowed me to break free from making decisions that only benefit a toxic patriarchal fantasy as opposed to doing what’s truly best for myself and my family.

Sometimes I fall into these periods where I find myself leaning toward working more hours than I should for my job only to be reminded that the best job I’ve ever had is being a father. At those moments, I close the computer, play with my kid and worry about getting stuff done later. The more I do this, the more productive I become in the time I do dedicate for work. And as loyal as I am to the companies that allow me to deliver results in this structure, I’ll happily walk away from a role, title or salary the second they take away from my job as a father. We can always downgrade our lifestyle and figure out ways to cut costs if need be, but I’ll never get back the time I didn’t give my family.

And now, as my wife and I embrace the lifestyle of work-from-home parents, we have our own chaos to manage in figuring out how to keep a house going and get jobs done with a high-energy, 2-year-old toddler. But while I do, I’ve got a happy little girl to smile at and a sexy, smart work-wife who also doubles as my real wife who also keeps me going with great conversations all day. Hours and minutes are currency I trade in now because I’ve found giving time is the best way to provide for my family.

Giving time photo by Foter.com.

My daughter is Isabella Gutierrez Marcelino. My last name is Gutierrez – but that’s actually my daughter’s middle name. We gave her my wife’s last name – Marcelino.

I’m not ashamed of my family’s name. I’m proud to be a Gutierrez. The name is always a reminder of my dad, my hero, who still works day and night to ensure the people he loves are always taken care of.

As Stef and I started family planning, I was at a crossroads. Why is it that we value one last name over the other? When I knew we were having a girl, I began to think about why my daughter should automatically just come labeled with my family name. Why is it that as a society we do that? I’m so proud of my wife and all she has been able to accomplish – why couldn’t my daughter carry on her mother’s last name? I surely know my wife will be the prime example of what I want her to be grow up as.

I went on a dive to search for validity. I came across a few blog posts from men who had done this – many in the name of feminism, which I highly respect. Others did it because they hated their own family history, which I didn’t necessarily agree with.

But then it hit me – I’m going to have a daughter. I want her to be the best damn person she ever could be. And with that, would I ever want her pressured into giving up her own identity in order to be a wife and a mother to her kids? I don’t, and that’s what women have to go through every time they get married and take their husband’s last name. I want her to reach her potential in ways I cannot even grasp, and to do that, I have to be a living example to her that I’m willing to defy convention and show her that in life, she’ll always have an ability to choose what she wants to do and be; even if it’s different than what society expects her to do.

Giving her my wife’s last name puts her in only 4 percent of families, and that’s mainly couples who have kids out of wedlock, many times with fathers that aren’t as involved in their children’s lives. But at the other extreme, we’ve had royal families for years take on whatever moniker is more convenient for them to distinguish themselves as royalty – we see it now with Prince Phillip, who took his mother’s last name when he turned 21, and all the rest of the current British Royal Family, who all claim the Queen’s. Why the hell can they defy all these societal rules and we’re expected not to?

By choosing to give my daughter her mother’s name, I am instilling in her the notion that even if society sets an expectation, she can take whatever direction she wants to take; and it’ll only make her papa proud.

I chose to defy the patriarchal culture to show my daughter that she doesn’t have to take the path that’s already carved and I hope she makes decisions that show that. If she does, then it’ll more than likely carry on in her prosperity – and that means that no matter what, they’ll carry on my legacy; and that’s of more value to me than any last name.

Name tag photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash.