Get there early, waste time in the school pickup line waiting, get your kid first.

Get there late, waste time waiting in school pickup line, get your kid last.

Whichever path you choose, you’re stuck. Waiting. The pickup line at our preschool is kind of like a traffic jam you voluntarily put yourself into each day.

When I’m sitting in the line, I’m most likely on my phone, reading the news, listening to NPR, checking things out on FB or Twitter … stuff like that. But recently I’ve found something more interesting to do with my time: watch other people while THEY wait. The past couple of weeks I’ve noticed several types of people in the pickup line.

The Overextended Mom

I’m not sure how this parent keeps her sanity, clearly getting no break from children all day long. Even though she’s picking up a kid or two, she has at least three others that are too young for preschool in her 15 passenger van.

The Excessive Groomer

Every day it’s something: nail clipping, pimple popping, makeup applying, etc.

The Socializer 

This person is always out of his or her car, talking to everyone, every day, and usually oblivious when the pickup line actually starts moving.

The Phone Talker

This parent is on the phone while pulling into the lot, waiting for pickup, while the teacher brings kid to the car, while the teacher tries to talk about the child’s day, and when driving away.

The Organizer

I thought I’d seen it all, until this person opened her sliding van door and I peered inside. It was perfect. No junk or clutter anywhere. There was a small plastic carousel organizer full of neatly arranged crayons. What? I’d never seen anything like it. And in the backs of seats where my kids’ stuff all their trash, hers was full of coloring books, regular books, normal kid stuff. It was amazing. Maybe I should hire her.

Photo by Stan from Pexels

Slow down, New York City drivers! The new public school year starts Thursday and the city’s speed camera program is at full, expanded capability to try to improve street safety.

The school zone speed camera program in NYC, on the brink of extinction a year ago, has been increased almost 10-fold since 2018. It now includes more than 2,000 cameras in 750 locations, up from 140 last summer, within a quarter mile of a school building entrance or exit. According to The New York Times, this gives New York City the largest urban network of automated speed cameras in the United States.

The cameras will be operating between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. on weekdays, a much longer time than in the past when they only worked during school hours. Drivers exceeding the speed limit during operation will be mailed a ticket for $50 fine.

NYC school zone speed cameras were turned back on for the start of the 2018-19 academic year after the state Senate initially failed to renew a law to keep them operational months earlier, a move that shocked parents, school officials and lawmakers alike.

Since being put in place in 2014, speed cameras have helped slow down traffic on streets around schools and made them safer, according to a report from the New York City’s Department of Transportation. The collected data shows a 55 percent decline in all fatalities in New York City school zones fitted with speed cameras and a 63 percent decrease in overall speeding in these areas there when schools are is in session.

“Injury crashes have dropped over 14 percent after the camera is activated, during all hours of the day, despite the fact that the cameras are deactivated during most of the year,” the DOT report also noted.

A New York City DOT found that more than 132,000 drivers violated the posted speed limit in the first two weeks after the speed camera legislation expired in 2018, and that number has likely only grown since.

The school zone speed camera program in NYC, once on the brink of extinction, will soon dramatically expand to cover every elementary and most middle and highs schools in the city.

A new bill passed by New York State legislators last week will add more than 600 new school zone speed cameras to 140 already in place. The cameras must be turned on between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. on weekdays, a much broader time frame than the previous requirement of being operational only during school hours.

The bill defines a school zone as a radius about a quarter mile from a school building, entrance or exit.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, who agreed to sign the bill into law, had originally called for the state to double the school zone speed camera program but the NY legislators’ bill greatly exceeds that proposal.

NYC school zone speed cameras were turned back on for the 2018-19 academic year after the state Senate initially failed to renew a law to keep them operational months earlier, a move that shocked parents, school officials and lawmakers alike.

Since being put in place in 2014, speed cameras have helped made city streets around schools safer, according to a report from the New York City’s Department of Transportation. The collected data shows a 55 percent decline in all fatalities in New York City school zones fitted with speed cameras and a 63 percent decrease in overall speeding in these areas there when schools are is in session.

“Injury crashes have dropped over 14 percent after the camera is activated, during all hours of the day, despite the fact that the cameras are deactivated during most of the year,” the DOT report also noted.

A New York City DOT found that more than 132,000 drivers violated the posted speed limit in the first two weeks after the speed camera legislation expired in 2018, and that number has likely only grown since.

NYC school zone speeders caught on camera face a $50 fine.

New York City public schools are back in session tomorrow, so if you plan on being behind the wheel remember this: slow down in school zones to save lives and save you from being fined.

School zone speed cameras will be turned back on around all 140 NYC schools thanks to a deal worked out among Governor Andrew Cuomo, City Speaker Corey Johnson and NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio.

Cuomo signed an executive order August 27 declaring a public safety emergency to reinstate the NYC speed camera law by giving the NY Department of Motor Vehicles the power to share the cameras’ information with the City Council. The council then approved legislation this week to create its own speed camera program that de Blasio promptly signed into law.

School zone speeders caught on camera will be levied a $50 fine, the same penalty as in the earlier law.

The speed cameras went off earlier this year after the state Senate failed to renew a law to keep them operational, which shocked parents, school officials and lawmakers alike. The speed cameras, in place 2014, have helped made city streets around schools safer, according to a report from the New York City’s Department of Transportation. The collected data shows a 55 percent decline in all fatalities in New York City school zones fitted with speed cameras and a 63 percent decrease in overall speeding in these areas there when schools are is in session.

“Injury crashes have dropped over 14 percent after the camera is activated, during all hours of the day, despite the fact that the cameras are deactivated during most of the year,” the DOT report also noted.

A New York City DOT found that more than 132,000 drivers violated the posted speed limit in the first two weeks after the speed camera legislation expired, and that number has likely only grown since.

These days, on the now rare occasions I’m walking the streets by myself, if I see tractors, trucks or trains, my first thought is to wish my son was with me because he would think it’s awesome.

Unsurprisingly, my little boy loves tractors, trucks and trains. We may live in New York City, where wonders lie around every corner, but nothing rates next to, say, one of those Kings County cement mixers decorated with the American flag.

Celebrities can’t break him away from the objects of his affection. We’ve had the opportunity to meet Michael Strahan on three separate occasions, and Liam screamed at him to go away each time. He did the same to Ben Affleck. We were at the filming of Good Morning America, you see, but the TV lights and glamour couldn’t compare to the trucks and buses going by, and Michael and Ben were blocking the view.

Once, Jennifer Lawrence tried to strike up a conversation with him in Murray’s Bagels. But Liam was seated at the window and couldn’t care less about the Hunger Games star. He was too busy watching the backhoe across the street.

He doesn’t just ignore celebrities either, he tunes family out as well. He regularly interrupts conversations at home and on the street about any random truck that rattles by, and if it’s a fire truck, well, all bets are off! Fire trucks are the real celebrities to Liam.

Tractors, trucks and trains are all he ever talks about; all he wants to watch on TV; all he wants to read about; and all he wants to play with. His favorite clothes have these vehicles on them, and that’s all he ever wants to wear. He was a Choo Choo Train for Halloween. A local bakery had a train display in their window over the holidays, and I had to take him to see it every day, no matter how sick I was. We need to go to Grand Central Terminal once a week while the Holiday Train Display is featured there. It does not end.

For a while, I worried about him. Was this obsession healthy? There are other things in the world, would he ever pay attention to anything else?

This was before he entered pre-school. And while he’s clearly more interested in big vehicles than other children, it really isn’t by much. And once he began interacting with other children on the playground, it was always a toy truck or tractor that broke the ice and got them playing with each other.

Once a little more thought was put into it, I had to admit that Liam comes by it honestly. I loved tractors, trucks and trains just as much as when I was a boy. Some of my very first memories are of my old Tonka truck, that big metal monstrosity.

I used to go nowhere, and I mean nowhere, without a suitcase full of Hot Wheels, Matchbox and Corgi cars. As I got older, model railroading became the big thing. I devoured magazines dedicated to the hobby and obsessively pored over the diorama I was building and laying track upon.

Somewhere along the line, I lost that love. I don’t really know why. I moved on to action figures, to sports, to girls and trying to impress my friends. University and career took over shortly thereafter. And then I was an adult. Sorta.

Don’t get me wrong, I hung on to mementos from my childhood as much as I could. Anyone who’s met me has probably seen me wearing a superhero shirt. Up until my forties, I still regularly collected comic books and superhero paraphernalia. I still kinda do, they just go to Liam now.

So while the superhero shirts and toys do make us both happy, the pure joy that tractors, trucks and trains bring to Liam not only surpasses that but also has reawakened my own love for them. Just take a good look at the next tractor you see; the next crane towering above you; regard the raw power of that train pulling into the station; and wow, those Kings County cement mixers really do look cool!

And I’m not the only one susceptible to Liam’s infectious joy when he sees the objects of his affection. If a truck is parked on our street he must go and see it, exclaiming the whole time how cool it is. People passing by can’t help but smile, and if the driver is there, that’s who Liam treats like a celebrity.

Also, it doesn’t hurt that his unbridled enthusiasm for the vehicle gets him invited to sit in it.

I mean how could you deny this? Look how happy he is. He’s smiling, I’m smiling, the truck driver is smiling, and passersby are all smiling. His love for tractors, trucks and trains doesn’t just make him feel good but makes everyone around him feel good too.

Look, the world is an unsteady place right now. America is divided sharply by uncertainty and obstinance. Discrimination is threatening to become law. The hateful and bigoted are crowing about running the country while massive protests line the streets against the current administration. “Alternative facts” are trying to whitewash brazen lies, and the low rumble of war has started from nations like China.

In times like these, filled with anger and dread, joy becomes more precious than ever. So who am I to deny my son the joy he finds in these vehicles? He loves them, and they bring him joy. Not only that, but his joy infects everyone else, so who am I to deny those people joy as well?

A parent’s duty is to raise a happy child. He loves them, I love him, and so I will love tractors, trucks and trains once again.

All photos contributed by Chad R. MacDonald

My father carries my son in front of the Brooklyn Bridge. Very much of the Earth has moved to make this photo possible. Very much. And almost everything leading up to taking it was near disastrous.

He’d called us from the airport, about an hour after he’d landed. Texts and calls weren’t working from my phone to his, or from his to mine before that moment. Perhaps it was because he was coming from Canada, perhaps it was because of atmospheric interference, perhaps it could have been anything. It was that kind of day. Everything was going wrong.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We’d been looking forward to hosting my father for some time. Events had conspired over the past few years to keep him in Nova Scotia and us in New York. There was a cancer scare for him. There was an early December move for us, canceling a holiday trip to see him.

We’d kept my father in my son’s life thanks to technology. Skype let Liam grow up with weekly chats from his smiling Papa. He and Nana were not strangers to my son. They’re part of our life in every way except for physically. But that was all about to change, they would finally be reunited for Thanksgiving.

And then we just couldn’t get to the damn airport.

Under the river and through the boroughs

Navigating the streets of New York in the best of times can be a tricky proposition but this night would prove to be a test of everyone’s patience. We’d managed to avoid the snarl of slow moving cars trying to get through the Lincoln Tunnel but had patted ourselves on the back too soon. Trying to get across town to the Midtown Tunnel proved to be maddening, and it was only after a close-to-an-hour wait in traffic that we were informed it was closed, and we’d need to take the 59th Street Bridge instead. We’d turned a 20-minute drive into an hour and a half.

It was an amateur mistake on our part and the cost was leaving my father and Nana waiting in the airport for over an hour after they’d landed.

Everything was fine once we got there, right? All was forgiven, we were together now, and that’s what was important, yes? Well, yeah, for a moment, that’s what the general feeling was.

Then Liam threw up all over my father.

He’d never done anything like that before. But then, we hadn’t left him strapped in a child safety seat for 90 minutes while we sat in traffic. A mad scramble led to an improvised garbage bag and about a pack and half of baby wipes later, the majority of the mess was cleaned up. You know, except for the smell.

Welcome to New York, Dad.

But things settled as things do. We had a laugh about it, told each other this would be a great story for later down the road, and things were only bound to get better from there. So naturally, that’s when we realized we’d made a wrong turn and were heading deeper into Queens instead of back to Manhattan.

To make a long story short, it took us another 90 minutes to get home. When traffic is snarled in New York, it stays snarled these days. Sixth Avenue was closed off for a street fair. Fifth Avenue was closed off because everybody hates Donald Trump.

There was nothing for it but to make small talk as we crawled across town. My father made pithy remarks about the woman who had kept pace with us, walking on the sidewalk from Madison to 10th Avenue.

Finally, we were at our building. I loaded all the luggage and Liam’s car seat while my father picked up my now sleeping son to carry him to our apartment. We were finally home, a family, three generations for the holidays, persevering through every test New York’s traffic could throw at us.

Which is when Liam peed all over my father.

You know, we say things like “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.” Or “I could have died of embarrassment.” Or “Fuck me gently with a rusty chainsaw.” But those platitudes don’t really cover the mortification and sense of failure that came over me at that moment. We’d been looking so forward to this. And while all we could do was laugh at how absurdly terrible my father’s welcome had been, that sense that I’d failed him was inescapable.

It did fade, of course. All embarrassments do. This wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was just, to borrow a famous children’s title, a series of unfortunate events. My father placed no blame, and repeatedly made it clear how happy he was to just be here.

Brooklyn Bridge crossing

The next morning was a whirlwind. My wife was running a race and it was going to be up to me to get my father, Nana, Liam and me, to Central Park first thing in the morning to see her cross the finish line. Then a trip to Chinatown for dim sum, and a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge.

But that sense of disappointment from the night before lingered. I rushed them out the door to the race, feeling like nothing more like a sled dog driver, whipping his charges to “Mush!” We stood around the Golden Unicorn waiting on a table for 45 minutes, desperately trying to keep the 3-year-old entertained, as it felt more to me like testing Nana and Papa’s patience rather than Liam’s.

By the time we crossed the Brooklyn Bridge, the cold and the wind had picked up. Instead of a scenic stroll, and enjoying a classic way to take in the Big Apple, we huddled against the sudden biting cold, practically sprinting our way to DUMBO.

I’d begun to panic. This was supposed to be a joyful reunion for my father and my son. Instead, this was a disaster. My stress level rose, my temper shortened, and even through the icy air, the inside of my head felt heated and scrambled. I felt myself spinning into a panic. This wasn’t perfect at all. This wasn’t going according to plan. This was an absolute fucking disaster.

That’s when my wife gently tapped my arm. I looked blearily up to see her smile and point.

“Get picture,” she said.

My father and my son had wandered off to see the East River. Liam loves boats and Dad was pointing out the big ship steaming toward the harbor, a red and white tanker called Alara. Liam squealed with delight and tore away off down the boardwalk toward it, my father gamely giving chase.

They played on the Brooklyn shore together for a long time. Nana, my wife, and I would intermittently join them, but this moment was all about my father and my son, together at last. They ran, they laughed, they played, and they were happy to be with each other.

Everything that had been bothering me melted away. This was the moment I’d been waiting for, and it came regardless of the traffic, the puke, the pee, or the cold weather. I wasn’t the only one who’d been looking forward to this moment, we all had. My father, my wife, Nana, and my son.

My father carries my son in front of the Brooklyn Bridge. Very much of the Earth had moved to make this picture possible. Very much. And no, not all of it was perfect.

Everything with his visit was going to be fine. Everything always was going to be. The picture with the Brooklyn Bridge was proof of this. It will stay in my mind forever.

Can I travel by taxi with a baby in New York City if I don’t have a car seat?

Of the eight million stories there are to tell about our hometown, the answer to that question about cabbing it with children around NYC is one that brings a dozen or so people to our site every day. And why not? While NYC may have one the greatest underground rail systems in the world, if a subway rat can carry a hefty slice of New York pizza down the stairs, what’s stopping one from dragging Junior down onto the third rail, amiright? So above-ground travel is a definite option for many.

Aside from taxis and buses, there is another transportation you can consider if you have a young one in tow and you do not own a car: Uber Car Seat.

Open the Uber app and after selecting the basic UberX service option, tap the “Car Seat” button and for an extra $10 surcharge, your vehicle comes equipped with a car seat. (If you enter the promo code CARSEATNYC10 in the Uber app, your first surcharge is waived.)

Uber Car Seat provides a user with a forward-facing IMMI Go car seat, pre-installed by a driver trained in installing it. According to its website, the seat works for a child who is at least 12 months old, weighs at least 22 pounds and is 31 inches tall. Children who weigh more than 48 pounds or exceed 52 inches are too big for the seat. More details on the seat and use of the seat are available on the Uber Car Seat FAQ page.

Uber offers this service in several major U.S. cities, including Orlando, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., and a few international cities.

If you try or have tried Uber car Seat, let us know what you think.

Now that school is back in full swing throughout our tri-state area, let me say this: Drivers — you are officially on notice. 

Put down the cell phone. Slow down in a school zone. And do not even THINK about making that illegal turn.

I offer this advice because once again I will be serving as security detail for my children as they walk to and from our home to their designated institution of learning. 

And now a warning for Ye Who Fails to Obey the Rules of the Road in School Zones: I will be armed.

This was not my original plan, but it became necessary a few summers ago when the city we live in decided it could no longer afford the $11 an hour it paid each of the crossing guards who manned the two intersections along my kids’ route to school.

I say “the city” because I have been unable to determine exactly who in that city pulled the plug on Fred and Ethel, the two elderly guards who patrolled our walkways and whose real names were not nearly as comical. 

When I called the city’s Department of Education to protest, the person who answered the phone said I really needed to take this up with the Police Department. 

The police told me I should bring the matter to the city Board of Representatives. 

The reps sent me back to the schools.

They all lead me straight to the bottle. Pepto: rinse, repeat.

Cost-cutting aside, these officials did offer some logic (before passing the buck) as to why our route was now a local version of the unsecured Iraqi Red Zone:

• An off-duty police officer, paid by a private school along the way, usually manned one of the same intersections as the guards. 
• The other intersection had a pedestrian crossing light that could, in theory, halt all traffic.
• School-zone speed limit signs with flashing lights and radar readings to get drivers to slow down had also just been installed. 
• Finally, I was told, there just weren’t enough schoolchildren who walked that route to merit the roughly $95 a day paid to the two guards.

This all looks good on paper to the powers that be, but then again, on paper Bernie Madoff made many people look like millionaires. 

Here’s how the morning jaunts to school will most likely play out in real life: 

At least half of the electronic school-zone signs will be off or malfunctioning because they have rarely worked properly since being installed. (I’ve seen older versions of the same signs functioning correctly in other parts of town. Did my hometown get a deal on upgrading to Windows 8 when it should have stuck with XP?)

The police officer won’t be there because the private school doesn’t start classes for another week. Even so, he only works mornings, not the afternoon walk home.

And while the pedestrian crossing signal works just fine at the other intersection, chances are at least one southbound driver will fail to heed the “No Turn on Red” sign and make a hasty, blind turn into that crosswalk — just like the woman in the SUV who was yakking on her cell phone did a few years ago on the day I first walked to school with my kids.

She missed me by about 6 inches that day. But next time, I won’t miss her.

This is because, on these walks, I now bring our dog. Our dog, I should note, tends to unburden his intestines right before that intersection.

So, school zone scofflaws, this year if I witness you failing to obey traffic regulations at that intersection, check your vehicle roofs when you reach your destination. In a plastic bag, tied by a single granny knot, you will find a meaningful reminder of your ignorance.

A version of this school zone humor previously appeared on Always Home and Uncool.

I know classes just started. I know it’s an exciting time for you and for your small child. But please, please, pretty fucking please, stay in your proper school pick-up line.

I know it’s tough … I’m sympathetic to your pain. I’m in the line, too.

Thing is, we’re all in line. So get your ass where it needs to be and inch forward like everyone else. Thumbs up emoji!

Here’s a suggestion: Tonight, talk to your family about which line you’re in and how you get into it. We were all supplied a diagram of the two lines: the drop-off and the pick-up lines. People love diagrams. Draw a new diagram for your family if you need to. Especially for the grandparents. In fact, you should tape up a diagram inside their car, because they’re ancient and forgetful. I’m just looking out for you here.

NEVER back up in the school pick-up line

Because tomorrow, no matter how many of us are on the same page, someone is going to drive their happy ass against the traffic down the ONE bit of parking lot that we’re not supposed to drive through. It will cause chaos. People will start backing up. And if you’ve ever seen people back up while in a line, it panics everyone. People start waving each other on, reverse lights go on and off, cars do that OMG BRAKE thing that gives you instant whiplash. I don’t want instant whiplash.

If you reverse while in line, you are going to hit me. I will sit there and continue to play Marvel Puzzle Quest on my phone as my car folds around me. Your car is worth more than my 2012 Nissan Versa. This will not end well for your insurance. I will wear a neck brace in court. And I’ve practiced crying on command.

So please, don’t be the one that starts the domino effect, and don’t be the one that ends it by shredding through my car.

Face it — you are wrong

If you see a line of cars and you’re driving in the other direction, you’re in the wrong. The 40 people in the school pick-up line aren’t wrong – you are wrong. We know you have to get back to work. We know you don’t want to wait. We know that your little snowflake is more special than our little snowflakes. We got the memo in print and via e-mail.

Also, while I got you here, you should know that — yes — we all see the line of parking spots directly in front of the school pick-up line. DO NOT PARK IN THOSE SPOTS, GENIUS. YOU WILL BE BOXED IN.

Again, we all understand that your daughter has a dentist’s appointment (WOW — does she need it). You just want to “get in and get out,” and these eight parking spots look so tempting. But this isn’t going to end well. It’s faster in the line if we all respect the line.

Respect the school pick-up line and it will respect you. Grow up. It’s time to stop raging against the machine. We are the fucking machine. We are our parents, so sit in line and let that sink in a little. This is our lives for the next eight to 12 years, ending one car length at a time.

Signed,

A Concerned Parent

A version of this school pick-up line article first appeared on 8BitDad.

Car seat safety is essential but there’s a good chance your child may be one of the three out of four kids not properly secured in a vehicle because their car seats are not correctly installed. This is a big reason why motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for kids ages one through 12 years old.

With Child Passenger Safety Week upon us, we want to emphasis the need to improve those frightening numbers. Sarah Tilton, child passenger safety advocacy manager (aka The Car Seat Whisperer) for our good friends at stroller and car seat manufacturer Britax, offers these important tips:

Select a car seat that fits your baby and your vehicle(s). Also, be sure that you can use it correctly each and every time.

• Be sure your car seat fits your growing child. Seated shoulder height is often overlooked.
• Belt-positioning boosters seats are for bigger kids. Don’t transition out of a 5-point harness prematurely.
• When using LATCH (Lower Anchors and Tethers for Children), be aware that your vehicle’s lower anchors have weigh limits. You must switch to vehicle seat belt installation when the weight of the car seat and the child exceed 65 lbs.
• A snug harness strap should not allow any slack. If you’re able to pinch the strap, the harness is too loose. You should not be able to pinch any excess webbing.
• For children 12 years of age and under, remember — the backseat is always the safest place for them to ride. Be sure to check your child seat and vehicle user guides for available seating positions.
• Britax recommends that the use of a child seat be discontinued if it has been in a moderate to severe crash. Also, never purchase a used car seat if you don’t know its history.
• Car seats have expiration dates. Double check the manufacturer’s tag to be sure your seat is still safe.
• Never leave your child in a vehicle unattended, especially during hot weather.
• Be sure your child’s harness is tight enough, especially in the winter months when children are bundled up in thick layers and bulky outerwear.
• After buying a car seat, be sure to register your product either by visiting the manufacturer’s website, mailing the registration card or by calling their customer service department. That way you can be contacted in the event of a recall.
• Always refer to your child restraint user guide or call your car seat’s customer service about installation and proper use questions you might have.
• If you still feel unsure about your car seat installation, have a certified technician check your installation.