The year 2020 has thrown a lot on our plates.

COVID-19. Social and political unrest. Economic uncertainty. Some of us are also dealing with health issues or the loss of loved ones, which may or may not be related to those issues. Through it all, we must constantly remember: It’s not necessarily what happens to us, it’s how we respond to it.

Think hard about what’s going on, and you’ll find many scenarios literally out of our control. But what’s always in our control is how we approach life. So ask yourself this: Am I about life enhancement or am I just waiting for the next shoe to drop?

One of the best things that can come out of experiencing loss or going through some traumatic or terrible situation is realizing that we should focus our energy on making life better while we have it. Not just our own lives but the lives of those around us: our kids, our spouse or partner, our neighbors and friends, our extended family, and our communities. Our lives here are legitimately too short to focus on things that don’t revolve around improvement or enhancement. If what I do is not about that in some capacity, I truly believe that I’m wasting my time — precious time.

Think about what is important to you. In my life, for example, relationships are. My health and wellness is important to me but also to those all who rely on me. The environment my wife and I create in our home and lives is critical for us and for our children’s present and future. Now ask yourself: How am I enhancing those aspects of life? How am I building up the strengths and improving on them? When you do that, you begin to realize that everything that you do on a daily basis needs to be focused on life enhancement and being intentional or purposeful about it.

So fellas, I’m challenging you today. Take the BS and throw it to the side and commit yourself to being about the business of “Life Enhancement.” COVID-19 and all the other day-to-day challenges facing us and our society are further reminders why this should be a focus of yours. We have only a finite number of years here and because of that, we don’t need to waste it. If you have an opportunity to enhance some aspect of your life, to educate yourself, to show somebody some love, to do something nice for somebody — DO IT! When you focus on enhancing life — whether it’s yours or someone else’s — there’s a benefit that comes to all. Be the change you desire to see in the world, as a dad and as a human, and be about the business of “Life Enhancement.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mike Dorsey, known as “Mike D” by many, is an author, business entrepreneur, community organizer, speaker and podcaster. He hosts the Black Fathers, NOW! podcast and founded the apparel company Black Family Apparel. He has author two books: Dynamic Black Fatherhood Manifesto and ABE: Always Be Engaged — The 7 Keys to Living a Fit Urban Life. He can be reached via Instagram, Facebook or email.

Life enhancement photo: ©kieferpix / Adobe Stock.

School’s out! It’s time to set some summer goals and get into yourself and the kids into a routine.

I’ve set a few rules for the summer while I’m home with my kids full-time, so these summer goals are now ours:

Screen time

Time spent on devices is always a tricky subject in our household. I like the idea of allowing them time to use screens each day for a limited time, but in the past that screen time bleeds into longer and longer periods. Our family usually does better with screens on Friday afternoons and weekends only, which is what we did all school year. We will likely stick to this plan. Although ask me again in a few weeks, things may change.

Bedrooms

If we keep our screen days the same as last school year, it’s easy to make sure the kids have their rooms cleaned each week before they are allowed to use their devices.

Meals

I’m thinking I can get my kids to plan and cook one dinner each week. They could search cookbooks, write out the grocery list, prep the ingredients and cook. It will be fun for them and a break from the usual routine for me.

Laundry

In addition to getting my kids to cook, I’m thinking this might be a good year to get my kids to fold and sort their own laundry. My kids already put their own clothes away, but currently, I wash, fold and sort for them. Having them do this work seems like the next logical step since a major goal my wife and I have for our kids is for them not to live under our roof forever.

Sleep

I cannot force my kids to sleep in, but I can make them stay in their rooms until a reasonable time in the morning. What I don’t want is six bored brown eyes staring at me at 6 a.m. Monday, asking me what the plans are for the day. In the past, we’ve also had “quiet time” for 40 minutes after lunch. It’s a good way for my kids to get a break from me and one another. I just need to once again convince them it’s not a punishment.

Fun

Summer won’t be all work and no play. I plan to go to as many Indy Indians games as time and weather will permit. It’s truly a place where I get as much enjoyment being there as my kids do. We will also swim ourselves exhausted as much as possible. I am hopeful that BB will learn to ride her bike this summer as well. We took the training wheels off a while back, but have yet to get past the “me running holding on to her seat while she keeps her balance for three feet” stage. I hope she gets the concept of bike riding in time for us to go on a family bike ride or two this summer.

As with all goals, I’m sure we will exceed some of these summer goals and fall short on others. What summer goals does your family have for this summer?

A version of this first appeared on Indy’s Child. Photo by Jude Beck on Unsplash

Success often comes at the tail end of hard work and overcoming setbacks.  Have you ever heard someone say:

If at first you don’t succeed…

When I was younger I studied/taught martial arts.  When I was discouraged my teacher would use a metaphor to illustrate that my failures were part of the path to success. He did this by illustrating how a samurai’s sword was formed. You see steel becomes stronger as you fold it with other materials to create layers that build strength and flexibility in the blade. Folded, fired, and hammered up to 16 times a samurai’s blade was formed through a difficult and stressful process by a master craftsman. Ultimately what is formed is a strong blade able to meet any challenge and conquer them successfully.  When I began to teach (and when I had kids) I often like sharing this metaphor because it is a great object lesson about how to use life’s difficult moments to make us stronger.

Those who are willing and accepting of their mistakes are better equipped to learn from them.

As a father that is my job to make my kids stronger for the world that is out there waiting for them. This is my chance to help them understand the value of this forging process. It starts with knowing that you are not perfect, you will fail, and you can’t avoid it. Like the blade in the metaphor the first pass is not enough.  You need to try again, be folded, fired, and reformed again and again. Until you are strong and flexible and ready to face the challenges that await.

So let’s take a look at  7 ways we can be a stronger person:

1.  Make Mistakes – I can’t emphasize this enough.  Be willing to make mistakes, whether you are willing to or not you will make them.  Those who are willing and accepting of their mistakes are better equipped to learn from them.  They will treat them accordingly and will likely succeed sooner.
2. Comparisons Lack Real Value – Too often we compare ourselves to others. That is wasting time that we could be putting in, to develop ourselves.  We don’t know all the factors and all the steps they took to be as good as they are.  Whether it is natural skill or hours of practice, the time we spend on the comparison steals time we could be developing our skills.
3. Believe in Yourself – Be willing to stand up for yourself and what you believe in.  This is easy when there is a large group that is with you, but it is more important when you are unpopular.  Confidence can only be won in these challenging scenarios.  When you have to stand up for your child against a school administration, a hospital, an insurance company, or many other challenging adversaries you’ll be glad you learned how to fight tough battles.
4. Embrace Your Weaknesses – You have weaknesses, embrace them.  You can’t minimize the effect of your weaknesses if you don’t know that you have them.  So you need to understand them, be open about them, and treat them as much a part of you as your strengths.
5. Look for Solutions – With rare exceptions, you are not the first person to deal with problems like yours.  Which is good news! It means that someone else has been in your shoes. Someone else has figured out a solution to the problem you face.  So instead of wallowing in self pity, look around to others you know.  Ask for help, find the solutions, move on to new successes.
6. Build a Network of Support – You need people.  Nobody is an island, people that are the most successful have a group of people around them that want to help them succeed.  These are people who will encourage you when times get tough, but will give you critique and correct you when you veer away from reaching your potential.  It is important to have these people in your corner, it is also important to be this type of person for others as well.
7. Learn From Your Past – You have lived a lot of life, your experiences have taught you lessons, don’t let them go to waste.  Treat your past like a user manual for the future.  Don’t remake mistakes from your past, you have figured those out. Go make new mistakes as you strive for your success.

Don’t remake mistakes from your past, you have figured those out. Go make new mistakes as you strive for your success.

Building the strength and flexibility necessary to be strong enough to face the world’s challenges is no easy task.  You must be dedicated to yourself and your success.  Don’t let the moment of struggle you are in prevent you from becoming the person you want to be.  You must bravely be the steel in the hand of a master craftsman. Be ready and willing to be formed into a powerful blade beautiful strong and true.

I blew it with my kids the one night a little over a year ago…

The worst part about it is that I didn’t realize it until after I had started to get mad at them for a situation that I have helped create… hindsight can be a bitch…

My kids have noticed that when my wife and I get together with other adults we tend to talk… that conversation is the adult form of “playing at a friend’s house”.  My kids have been fascinated by this because they haven’t understood how conversation could in fact be fun, as it is so much less like a game, Lego bricks, or Nerf battle regalia.

Unfortunately, I have failed to notice their interest in actually participating in our conversations. Too often it seems that I have dismissed them to go play with their friends… or to go play with their toys… or to just go….

In return, they have tried even harder to insert themselves in our adult conversations, and here is where I blew it…

Instead of recognizing their attempts to be part of the conversation and teaching them proper conversational skills, I dismissed their behavior as kids being obnoxious. So, after a brief visit with a new neighbor, during which I finally sent them to put on their pajamas so that my neighbor and I could get a word in edgewise, I laid into them.

“My response to them was described by my oldest as akin to stabbing him in the heart, at which point a very deflated pair of boys began to deliver a slice of humble pie as only karma can provide.”

I went on and on about how unimpressed I was with their behavior. I elaborated on how I have raised them to behave better. I made sure it was clear how I was embarrassed that our new neighbor had to see them act that way.

My response to them was described by my oldest as akin to stabbing him in the heart. It was at this point that a very deflated pair of boys began to serve the father a slice of humble pie as only karma can provide.  They  told me how they thought that we had been having a good time and that they had been enjoying being in the conversation.

When I tried to tell them that they need to make space for others in the conversation, they said, “but you never make space for us…”

(Ouch… )

They went on to point out that if they didn’t try to interrupt that they would just sit on the couch and it would be very boring for them.

“These are two kids that love meeting new people, that love being social, and I had just sucked the wind right out of their sails…”

I felt like such an ass for not recognizing their interest and not realizing that I had put them between a rock and a hard place. These are two kids that love meeting new people, that love being social, and I had just sucked the wind right out of their sails…

Fortunately having made this realization I had a chance to try and correct course.

We talked for a bit about how conversations work. We talked about how you have to take turns in a conversation. We talked about how sometimes you may not get to share a good point you have because by the time it is your turn the conversation has moved to a new topic.  We talked about polite ways for you to let others know you’d like to contribute. Finally, we talked about how you need to contribute what you want to say within a reasonable amount of time and then stop and give the floor back to the others in the conversation.

We ended by making a deal with each other:

1. They would make an effort to politely let me know when they want to contribute.
2. I will recognize those attempts and make sure to give them time in our conversations to contribute.
3. We will work together to help them develop good conversation skills.

So far it is working out well and their contributions to our conversations are getting better.

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(This post originally appeared on The Good Men Project )