Resolutions. I love them. Love to make them, write them down, and commit to them loudly with bravado at New Year’s Eve parties (“I’m SO gonna do Tough Mudder this year! AND go gluten-free. WHO’S WITH ME?!!”) even while knowing all that big talk will likely evaporate by February. I just like this time of year when we all attempt to take a few steps toward becoming better humans, at least for a little while.

For me, resolutions fall into two categories:

• Outward Accomplishments — get more writing done, make more money, be the first bald man ever to grow a new head of hair by determination and straining alone
• Inward Improvements — be nicer, be less judgmental, be a tiny bit less hypocritical by not yelling at other drivers just before cutting someone else off myself

To have some nice father-daughter bonding time recently, I sat down with my 14-year-old daughter to talk about making our New Year’s resolutions, particularly in the category of Inward Improvements.

Spoiler Alert: she doesn’t have any.

That is, she doesn’t have any resolutions for herself. Turns out, however, she had several resolutions for me.

Like, a list.

That she’d already written down.

For me.

Ways that I, her father, can improve.

It was a super-productive discussion.

These are the resolutions my daughter told me I should embrace, straight from the 14-year-old’s mouth:

1. No more knocking on my door and asking if I want to, like, hang out all the time. If I want to hang out, I’ll come find you.

Me: But you never want to hang out.

Her: That’s not true. We hung out for an hour yesterday.

Me: That was Christmas. You hung out with me because I was giving you presents.

Her: Well, let’s do more of that kind of hanging out then.

2. You know that thing where you try to use cool slang in front of my friends? Stop doing that. No one actually says “OMG” out loud. It’s not a thing.

Me: Are you sure? Because kids on TV say it all the time.

Her: No! Bad dad.

3. Stop repeating yourself all the time. For example, you don’t need to tell me to wash the dishes FIVE TIMES after every night.

Me:  But you never respond after the first four times. If you did, I would stop —

Her: You don’t give me a chance! Sometimes it just takes me a while to, you know, process what you’re saying.

4. Stop talking about Star Wars, like, all the time.

Me: No.

5. Ease up on my grades. Sometimes a B+ is just fine.

Me: But what if it’s in a class where I know you can get an A?

Her: If I could get an A in a class, I’d already have one. A B+ is still above average, you know.

Me: I’d like to think we can set our goals higher than –

Her: BAD DAD!

6. Stop trying to make me do boring grown-up things all the time.

Me: You mean like laundry?

Her: Very funny.

7. Stop worrying so much about whether I have enough feminine hygiene products in the bathroom.

Me: I just don’t want you to run out of … girl stuff

Her: Dad, you buy “girl stuff” every time you go to the store. I’ll literally never run out for the next 20 years.

Me: Parental responsibility. Listen, someday when you’re an adult you’re going to run out of … stuff, and you’ll look back on what a responsible father I was. And how awkward it was to buy the … stuff.

8. Stop worrying about my screen time. I’m not looking at anything gross online. I’m basically just talking with my friends or drawing on my iPad.

Me: OK. Just promise me you won’t give out any personal information to some stranger claiming to be a 14-year-old named Katy. It might be a 65-year-old guy named Cleetus living in a trailer somewhere.

Her: Dad, I’m not stupid.

Me: Not the point.

9. Stop worrying so much about me in general. I’m totally fine.

Me: Sorry, kid. I’ll never be able to keep that one. Oh, and you should probably know that I’ve made my own set of resolutions that are the exact opposite of everything you just said.

This was originally published in 2016 and later updated. Photo credit: Resolutions and goals via photopin (license)

We’re only a few days from February: How many of you are still keeping to your resolutions? How many of you made resolutions? How many of you know what a resolution means?

Dictionary.com lists one definition of “resolution” as a decision or determination. So what decision did we make for this year? To save more money? Eat better? Finally start using the treadmill gathering cobwebs in the basement corner?

For whatever reason, we often think a resolution has to be this grandiose idea we must let everyone know on social media. We think that if we put it out there others will hold us accountable and we’ll have to stick to it. Friends, that is not the case. The resolutions we make are for ourselves and not for others.

I used to make big resolutions like the ones above, but things changed when I became a parent. I realized this: While it’s good to be healthier and wiser with your money, the main thing you need to do every year is be better than you were the year before. You do not have to change much about yourself if you just try to do a little better.

That is my resolution every year: Do better.

And what does this mean?

To me it means to be there more for my children — every day. For example, one year I started working two jobs, leaving me pretty tired during the week. However, instead of focusing on being tired, I refocused the energy I did have toward my children. Whether it meant reading a few books with them or just being silly with them in the house until we fall down from laughing too hard. I want their memories of their dad to be good ones, not “dad was always too tired to play with us.”

I also need to do better with the world around me. While I know I cannot change every problem in the world right now, I can change what is going on around me. I can smile more to the people I pass on the street as I walk to work. That one smile could change a person’s day. Try it out sometimes. Just smile. And say hello to people, too.

We have to remember we are our children’s role models. As their parents, we must set a good example for them. If our children see us trying a little harder every day to improve the world around us, it will encourage them to have that mentality in life. I would love if my children never stopped doing better their entire lives and always strive to be better than they were the day before.

Just imagine how much our children can accomplish if we showed them how to do better.

So if your New Year’s diet plan hasn’t been working out like you hoped, instead try focusing on what you can do better for yourself and others. And try doing that a little more of that each day.

Photo: © Natallia / Adobe Stock.

It is time again for making resolutions. After downing eggnog and Santa shaped cookies for a month straight, the most common ones for the New Year are usually declared after we look into the mirror and realize, “Yeah, I might need to lose some weight and exercise more.” Now those are some worthy healthy habits!

Millions of people every year decide to face this challenge head on, often by signing up for a membership at their local gyms. Sadly, this is where they typically end their journey. A gym membership is great, but how do you keep from becoming part of that high statistic of people who quit going to the gym after February rolls around?

Success starts with reasonable goals, plans

When signing up for the gym, do you envision yourself going every day after work and hitting the treadmill for two hours? Do you picture yourself at the weight rack seven days a week, hammer curling a couple of 75-pound dumbbells until your biceps rip your shirt to shreds from your massive gains?

Wake up.

The No. 1 reason people quit going to the gym is because they start with unrealisticly high goals. They set themselves up for failure before they even start.

I always advise people to make reasonable goals along with feasible plans to meet them. You want to work out five days a week? Start with a goal of two days a week. When you hit those two days consistently without problem, add a third day.

Baby steps will always get you where you want to go, just be willing to take the time to get there. Remember, no one lies around for a year then jumps off the couch and runs a marathon. You work your way up to a 5K, build up to half marathon and continue to train to finish a full 26.2 miles.

Healthy habits require routines, time to form

The conventional wisdom is that it takes at least 21 days of regularly doing something for it become automatic, or a habit. Your mileage may vary — requiring less or even much more repetition and time.

I know I am a morning person and I have certain days of the week when my mornings are free. So I make my gym/workout sessions the same time in the early part of the day and on the same days of every week. For example, I know that Monday at 8:45 a.m., every week, is my leg workout day/time. It part of my routine just like brushing my teeth is.

Having a schedule you know you can stick to (thanks to having reasonable and manageable goals) makes you more likely to follow through rather than using the “when I have the time” method. If you have a schedule that changes often, try to find or create a “slot” rather than time/day to workout. Change your drive to or from work or dropping the kids off so you go past the gym — it will make it easier for you to stop in and get that workout in. The important thing is to be consistent, and make working out a predictable part of your week.

The dreaded D-word: DIET

When making resolutions, the other area where people tend to go overboard is dieting. They think “I will eat nothing but carrots and gluten-free cardboard,” and after a week — at most — they are gorging on Little Debbie snack cakes.

First, I hate the word diet. You should never do anything that makes you die. I prefer to call it a “live-t” because it needs to be something that you can live with. The real key to healthy “liveting” is tracking what you eat. You might be surprised to find you are eating more than you realized!

There are many great free and paid food-tracking apps you can find for you phones/computers to help. You don’t have to give up the foods you love, you just have to be more aware of the foods you are eating. I personally lost almost 200 pounds doing a program where I still ate the meals I wanted, I just learned to find the right portions and tracked what I ate.

If you think it might be to hard to track your food, I suggest committing to just tracking one day. If that goes well, try for a second day. Pretty soon you will find that you have built a healthy habit!

I hope you were able to find some new ideas to help you on your journey. Remember these three key things:

• Make reasonable goals and plans to meet them.
• Make those goals a consistent part of your life.
• It’s OK to take baby steps toward your dreams.

Put these ideas together and pretty soon you will find that you have gone from making resolutions to having built a healthy habits.

Making resolutions / healthy habits photo: ©AdriaVidal / Adobe Stock.

Did your family make a New Year’s resolution this month? Probably not, since we tend to think of resolutions as individual endeavors. But that may be the reason so many resolutions fail, as Charles Duhigg explains in his bestselling The Power of Habit.

To change a bad family habit or reinforce a good one, we first need to know how habits operate. Duhigg writes “habits emerge because the brain is constantly looking for ways to save effort … without habit loops, our brains would shut down, overwhelmed by the minutiae of daily life.”

In fact, nearly half the actions we perform each day are not decisions, but habits that have become automatic — e.g., brushing one’s teeth or driving a car. That is why it’s so important to learn those habits in healthy ways before they become rooted.

Significantly, an individual is often more successful at changing a bad habit (or reinforcing a good habit) when he or she is part of a group. Duhigg explains: “If you want to change a habit, you must find an alternative routine, and your odds of success go up dramatically when you commit to changing as part of a group. Belief is essential, and it grows out of a communal experience, even if that community is only as large as two people.”

On a large group scale, examples of successful habit changes include the rise of seat belt users, designated drivers and nonsmokers. On a smaller group scale, habit changers like Weight Watchers and Alcoholics Anonymous come to mind. On an even smaller group scale, the family can serve as an effective habit changer or reinforcer.

Change of family habits done easier together

To illustrate, I will apply some of Duhigg’s observations to one of my own family habits, especially since my two children are now teenagers. Hopefully my story can encourage parents of younger children who may be in the throes of trying to establish good family habits.

While our family certainly has some bad habits, one of our good habits is that our daughters sleep in their bedrooms without their cell phones. When my older daughter started college and lived away from home for the first time, she was thankful that it was easy to continue ignoring her phone after bedtime, using an alarm clock for waking, and protecting her sleep every night. But that family habit — and the whole family’s belief in its value — did not come easy.

The first important decision for parents about cell phones involves what age they feel is appropriate for kids to have one. We decided on age 12, though each family has different circumstances. Next, it’s important to establish cell phone rules on day one. Some can be negotiable, but my two main ones were no phones at meals or in the bedrooms during sleeping hours.

In those early days, you might say my wife and I were the only “believers” in such phone habits and the importance of a good night’s sleep. I certainly had to enforce a rule sometimes, but there were also moments when I learned to empathize with my daughters. For example, one morning I picked up one of my daughters’ phones and saw a surprising amount of notifications sent at all hours of the night! That showed me the peer pressure she was enduring, and after that I understood why she spent so much time on her phone in the morning “catching up” on all she had missed.

In addition to fostering a healthy habit from the start, parents need to be ready for future challenges to a habit. As Duhigg states, “what you need is a plan.” One of our biggest challenges came during sleepovers, when my daughters’ friends often had a range of family phone policies. Gradually, we negotiated a compromise in which everyone could keep their phones up to a specific time, but then my wife or I would collect and store the phones until morning.

This policy was not always well-received. But years later one of my daughters’ friends told us she actually looked forward to that habitual phone-confiscation because then everyone focused on hanging out in-person rather than online. Paired with my daughter’s grateful comment about college, her sentiment made all the work on (and gradual belief in) our family cell phone habit worth it.

Duhigg explains that such a habit is sometimes called a “keystone” habit, or one that is so foundational that it often leads to other habits. So in the new year, think about what your family’s “keystone” habits might be — both the good and the bad. Then consider making a family resolution to work as a group to change a bad one, or maybe better yet, reinforce a good one.

Photo: © NDABCREATIVITY  / Adobe Stock.

If a near-death experience goes unnoticed, did it even happen?

Yes, I can confirm, and for that we should always be grateful. I can explain.

Recently, as I drove around my oldest daughter’s college campus, my mind returned to one of the best — but what could have been one of the worst — days of my life.

It was just over 20 years ago, a few years before my wife and I started a family and I became a stay-at-home dad. At the time, I was excited about my new job teaching English at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.

Another comfort I enjoyed that day was our new leased car: a forest-green Ford Escort ZX2. Although not a sports car, it did have a small spoiler on the back, which I didn’t realize would be the only spoiler I’d experience before the minivan years just down the road. So there I was: clad in my new professorial garb, happily gliding around my new campus in my new quasi-sports car.

Then, it happened.

As I sped down one of the narrow campus streets with parked cars on both sides, a student suddenly walked out from between two cars right in front of me. He was walking in the same direction I was driving, so he did not even see me coming. As I looked at the back of his head, I slammed on the brakes with all my being.

In what seemed like super-slow motion, my green car came to a stop within a hair of the back of this guy’s legs. My face nearly pressed against the windshield; my wide eyes devoured the scene. Then, I fell back into my seat, and my heart resumed beating. But what happened next defied belief.

As I watched the student’s back, he kept walking down the street, gradually crossed it, and disappeared between two other parked cars. He didn’t even know he had just missed being killed by a car!

The reason for his oblivion? Earphones.

At the time, I did not know this incident would contribute to my parenting — and safe driving — philosophies. I believe all humans have moments when they have almost died unbeknownst to them, like this student who went on his way. Consider them “far-death experiences” that remain blissfully beyond our consciousness. I sometimes call this “living in the bonus.” Whether you are religious, spiritual or otherwise, trying to lead each day with a grateful attitude is an especially healthy way to live — and by extension, to parent.

Grateful mindset from outer space or inner space

A related way to cultivate a grateful mindset is through astronomy. Astronomists have documented how fortunate we are that molecules have combined in such complex ways through space and time to enable human life to develop on Earth. In other words, our planet has had many of its own far-death experiences for which we can all feel grateful, regardless of how we explain what makes life possible.

In a surprise display of astronomical gratitude, my youngest daughter once showed her love of our planet by wearing a key chain on her pants that included a little plastic globe. When her 4-year-old cousin saw this fashion piece, she said matter-of-factly: “Nice Earth.” As I witnessed their interaction, I couldn’t agree more.

Similar to contemplating distant death in outer space, focusing on inner space often leads to gratitude as well. All those complicated processes going on inside our bodies to keep us alive at every moment of every day of every year are awe-inspiring. Every human body probably has countless near-misses that we never realize.

Assuming he’s still alive, that college student from many years ago is well into his forties, though he is unaware that he is living in the bonus, and therefore not thankful about it. But we can choose to live with constant gratitude that all those undetected little green cars out there — whether asteroid or embolism — have not crashed into our world so far.

Grateful Photo: © Andrey Popov / Adobe Stock.

I admit, I’ve never really understood the concept of resolutions. Treating a new year like it’s a second (or 46th) chance, or spitting upon the grave of its predecessor like our burdens might fade along with it through layers of worm and ash makes little sense. (Although, it would be fine if this past year were to receive an asterisk in that regard).

However, in most cases nothing is new but the calendar, whether it is an abrupt switch from dogs dressed as people to babies dressed as flowers, beefcake to hot rods, or a word of the day recommenced. I prefer to hold my hopes till spring when they do their thing eternal.

This isn’t to imply that change isn’t on my horizon, especially for my children. The calendar, though, is just public record of it: a billboard growth chart pinned for our amusement. As parents we must remember, it isn’t our official timeline that guides our children’s progress so much as their own personalized version, an internal app that’s password protected with alerts turned to 11. There will be milestones, heartaches, wins, losses, adolescent angst and tender moments we can’t leave alone. They will have grown through two shoe sizes come summer. The resolution is theirs for the making. We are the old acquaintances, unforgotten, who make sure the cups stay filled with kindness.

All of which is to say that goals are a good thing. After all, I need to go to the gym as much as anyone. But why hinge the betterment of ourselves, of society, upon the phases of the moon when tomorrow the sun will rise and the day is sure to follow?

If anything, delaying goals until dates printed upon the calendar only prolongs our excuses not to meet them. The future may be inevitable, but improvement is the whim of fancy. Should things need to be done, we should do them as soon as possible.

Everyone in our family maintains a list for later: the stuff we would like to do now, but seems to remain for want of some free time. It includes languages to learn, hobbies to take up, and assorted boxes to check. They are undertakings not dependent upon the new year, but rather our own want and determination. No instant gratification here, just occasional moments of clarity found when objects of desire are realized as obtainable, should one work hard enough to make it happen. The work is on each of us.

On the eve of this new year, as the old was going anything but gentle into that good night, I noticed the boys each had their respective lists in hand. It was a culling, an assessment, a time to tweak and update the plans in motion.

“I think it’s important to be more positive,” said one. “To put more good into the world.”

“I think we already do that,” said the other.

“But writing it down makes it official,” was the reply. “It holds us all accountable.”

And we hung the lists back in their place upon the board against the wall in the kitchen. Beneath the bullet points of surfing and Swedish, there was one new message, simple as a sunrise: Keep getting better.

It was an idea that began long ago. It’s one they will carry forward forever, regardless of the day or season. I plan on doing likewise.

My daughter and I were talking about the past 12 months, and we agreed (AGREED!) that we need a better year come New Year’s.

“Oh, my God. This year totally sucked. I HATE it,” she said as we ate breakfast.

I couldn’t disagree. The year did suck in many ways. My family and I watched with sinking hearts as the political landscape was fractured with volcanic eruptions we never saw coming. The level of public discourse seemed to sink to subterranean levels. People in this country were actually arguing about whether black lives matter. News stories about shootings started to feel commonplace. David Bowie and Prince died.

Still, I wasn’t sure how to respond.

I’d been pretty depressed myself for the last several months. Even though I wanted 2017 to be a better year, I didn’t want to enable my daughter’s own glass-half-empty perspective. (Which she definitely gets from me.)

“Well,” I said semi-brightly, “there were some challenging parts of the year, for sure. But it wasn’t all bad, right? I mean, some good things happened.”

She lowered her half-eaten toast to her plate and gave me her patented one-eyebrow-raise. “Really? Like what, exactly?”

Shit. I should’ve known she’d call my bluff. I tried to think quickly about what was good about this year. I’d read that unemployment was down. Homophobia was on the decline in several parts of the country. Gilmore Girls was back.

But before any of that occurred to me, I decided to swing for the fences.

“Well … I mean, it was a pretty exciting year in politics, right? This was the first time you started really watching the news, and it was interesting. Plus, a woman came very close to being the president. I mean, that idea alone is pretty cool.”

“The news was awful and depressing. And hello? Trump.“

“I know.  But –“

“TRUMP, Dad. He’s going to be the PRESIDENT. He’s sexist and he’s racist and he’s a hypocrite and totally selfish and mean.”

“Well, you know, there have been other presidents who people were wary of at first who turned out to be not so ba–“

“WHAT are you doing? Are you defending Trump?”

I sighed. “Of course not.”

“It’s like, 2016 was totally historic in a totally BAD way because of the election.”

“I know.”

“The rest of the world is going to think we’re idiots because of him.”

“I know.”

“And people who voted for him totally ignored things like global warming.”

“I know.”

“And civil rights for people.”

“I know.”

“And sexism is totally everywhere.”

“I know.”

“And also my math teacher hates me.”

“I know.”

“So tell me what was so great about 2016.”

____

We can crawl into bed and pull the covers over our heads OR we can get active and own the new year. I don’t care who the president is. We’re still in charge of doing the right thing.
___

Truly, I didn’t know what to say. I myself have been walking around feeling like I couldn’t wait for this year to end fast enough. Some of the most important issues we face today — global warming, poor education, race-based violence, the end of civilized discourse in politics, the threat to fundamental equality, the protection of the lower and middle classes — now seem to be in the crosshairs as we head into the new year.

And between you and me, I’m also not a huge fan of my daughter’s math teacher.

“Kiddo,” I said slowly, “you’re not wrong. I sort of feel like 2016 sucked, too.”

“I told you. Everything is totally shitty.”

“Well, no. That’s not true. Not everything is shitty.”

“Oh, yeah? Name one thing that’s not shitty about 2016. I dare you.”

“I got one. My family has been healthy and safe all year.”

She frowned. “That doesn’t count.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s a cop-out. We should be happy and grateful about stuff like that every year.”

“Hmm. Then I guess you’re not going to like my second one about how we had food to eat and a roof over our heads for all the year, too.”

She raised her eyebrow at me again. “Dad. I’m not saying we should forget about stuff like that, and you know it. But just admit that this year was bad.”

Time to choose a new direction.

“Listen,” I said firmly. “I know what you mean about this being a rough year. I feel it, too. But you know what we have to do to feel better, right?”

“Crawl into bed and hide?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“If we want to get the demons out, we just have to make sure that this next year. KICKS. ASS.”

“How?”

“You know how. Do you want to protect the rights of other people?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s join the Human Rights Campaign. Let’s look for equality demonstrations where we can make a statement. Do you want to make sure people without money are still cared for, regardless of what Trump does or doesn’t do?”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s get ourselves over to Goodwill and donate some stuff. And there are two homeless shelters in town that need volunteers all the time. Do you want to make sure people of all colors receive fair treatment and don’t get targeted by racist jerks?” I heard my own voice rising.

“Yes.”

“Then if you see someone at school being bullied, STAND UP and say something. Tell a teacher, and be loud about it. Kid, if this year pissed us off, then we have to do something to put it in its grave and nail the coffin shut. I totally get the need to complain and gripe about stuff, believe me. But if that’s all we do, then the new year will be just as bad as the past one, it’s our own fault. We can crawl into bed and pull the covers over our heads OR we can get active and own 2017. I don’t care who the president is. We’re still in charge of doing the right thing. And remember: in four years, you’re going to be old enough to vote. So start getting informed now, and be ready.”

She looked me in the eye. “Want to hear something you never get to hear me say?”

“Lay it on me, Offspring.”

“You’re right.”

And me without a recording device handy.

I smiled at my kid, who has always been passionate about justice, and about equality, even on her most pessimistic day. “Damn right, I’m right. So let’s make a list of what we’re going to do to make a better year in 2017 for everyone.”

“My dad, the Human Bumper Sticker. But yeah. I’m in.”

And that’s how we’ll be kicking the past 12 months to the curb here at our house.  See you in the new, better year, folks.

+ + +

Better year in the new year photo: robinsan One word resolutions station via photopin (license)