Skipping meals. Forcing themselves to throw up. Obsessively exercising until total exhaustion. This is the scary reality for many teenagers, especially young females, struggling with body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

Research shows that almost 10 in every 100 teenage girls suffer from an eating disorder of some variety. Many of these girls feel pressure from the media, friends or classmates to look a certain way or fit a particular mold. Too often, girls as well as boys are led to believe their value relies more on appearance than their character or their abilities. This thinking can lead to a dangerous infatuation with their bodies, dysmorphia and, subsequently, an eating disorder.

Often times, parents fail to recognize these disorders. Sometimes people even misread the situation and praise teens for losing weight or becoming “healthier” even though they may be practicing habits that are very bad for their physical and emotional well-being.

Fortunately, more discussion occurs these days about how and why these conditions burden so many young people. However, not a lot of material out there has been designed to help parents talk to their teenagers about this topic. It’s important to educate your child on the dangers of these disorders just as you would warn them about drunk driving or smoking. Anyone is susceptible, and could potentially face serious physical and emotional consequences.

Defining body dysmorphia, eating disorders

The term dysmorphia may sound intimidating or unfamiliar. However, it’s important to understand what it means in order to understand eating disorders.

Body dysmorphia refers to a person having an inaccurate image of their own body and the negative mental effects that occur for that person as a result. The person sees their own body as different than it actually is, or believes one particular element of their body is far beyond normal proportions and therefore something they should be very concerned about.

This can lead to several different kinds of eating disorders. The most common are:

• Bulimia is a condition in which body dysmorphia leads an individual to feel depressed and overeat, then force themselves to throw up or fast for an extended period to avoid gaining weight.
• Anorexia is characterized by dangerously low weight as a result of refusing to eat or excessive exercise.

Both disorders are extremely serious, can cause lifelong damage to one’s body, be life threatening.

Another common disorder not discussed as often is binge eating disorder. Similar to bulimia in it involves eating large amounts, but it differs in that it does not involve throwing up or fasting. It may seem odd for an individual who believes they are too large to overeat and gain a lot of weight. However, often times eating disorders are inextricably linked to low self-esteem. Those who feel they are overweight may experience depression and cope by eating lots of food and gaining more weight. This can lead to a hard to break cycle of self-sabotage.

Prevent the problem

One way you can start preventing these issues early on is by creating a positive home environment where your child doesn’t feel excessive pressure to conform to a perfect body type. By cooking balanced meals and not scrutinizing your child’s weight, you can help them develop a positive relationship with their body. If you value their accomplishments and celebrate their abilities, they will understand their body is not all that makes them valuable. Making sure they understand their worth is not tied to their appearance helps prevent a problematic relationship with food and body weight.

Eating meals together helps create a healthy relationship with food within your family. Sitting down to eat as a group helps children develop consistent eating habits, and demonstrates to them the importance of eating regularly. Another helpful measure is making sure food in your home is balanced and healthy. This sets a good example of what it’s like to treat your body with care and respect.

As we’ve said, it’s important to make sure your child eats healthy so they can be strong and happy. However, some teens fail to consider their own personal nutrition, and may have bad habits like only indulging in junk food or refusing to be active. How do you draw the line between guilting them over this and helping them set healthy boundaries?

Start by not creating so much pressure or emphasis on diet and exercise that your child believes it’s the only or most important thing. Aim for language targeting the bad food as the issue, not your child. For example:

“Hey, Greg. I noticed you’ve been drinking a lot of soda recently. I’m a little concerned. Soda is very high in sugar and certain chemicals. It’s not very good for you, even though it may taste good. I want you to be healthy and take good care of yourself, so I’m asking you to limit yourself to one every few days.”

Start a conversation

Education is one of the best methods of prevention. By addressing the topic of eating disorders before it potentially becomes an issue, you help your children recognize when they are adopting unhealthy habits. It never hurts to guide them to increase their awareness because messages from outside sources can really affect their perceptions of their own body.

To educate your children on the dangers of body dysmorphia, try beginning with a heart to heart about body image. Don’t be afraid to sit down and talk to them honestly about these topics. Try something like this:

“I love you and I want to make sure you love yourself, too. Do you ever wish you looked like someone else or feel insecure about your appearance? Have you ever taken measures to combat that insecurity outside of normal diet and exercise? I won’t be angry with you; I just want to be sure you’re OK.”

Being proactive to help teens understand what eating disorders are and how they could potentially be affected is important. By addressing these topics and creating a safe space to discuss them, you build a safety net for your teen. This helps if they ever feel they are slipping down a dark path regarding body image and self-esteem.

Struggling with body dysmorphia

Have you noticed your teenager dealing with issues surrounding their weight or body image? Maybe its a dramatic weight loss or another behavior that sends a signal of concern.

If you’re not sure what to look for, first pay attention to how much and what your child is eating within 24 hours. Make sure they are eating about three balanced meals a day. Also note how much time they spend exercising to see if they are stretching their body to an unhealthy extent.

It can be hard to confront your teen about a highly personal issue like an eating disorder. You may feel overwhelmed or scared you’ll say the wrong thing. The best approach: assume nothing and to be clear that your goal is to help them, not make them feel shame or guilt. Remind them that your biggest concern is their health and well-being.

Resources

Where can you go and who can you talk to when you know your teenager is suffering from an eating disorder?

• First, talk to a doctor to find out if your child’s disorder has caused any issues that need immediate attention.
• Then, reach out to a mental health professional for a proper diagnosis. Potential treatment, such as medication, regular therapy, and single or group counseling, could follow.
• You may need to monitor your child’s nutritional activities to ensure that they are staying healthy and taking care of themselves for some time after.

If diagnosed with body dysmorphia or an eating disorder, your child may have some trouble processing it. Be patient with them. Remind them you want to help them heal and grow from the experience. Perhaps call a family meeting to make sure all members of the house are on the same page. Your teenager needs a safe space where they can get better, so it’s important to make sure they are not facing any triggering actions from the rest of the family.

Next steps

Even if you don’t think your child might be suffering from dysmorphia or an eating disorder, show love and support. To prevent the development of these issues, remind your child they are valued for their accomplishments, personality and skills, not just their appearance.

If you can, educate your child as much as possible on the media’s perception of body image and the possible signs and risks of eating disorders. Be patient with any teen struggling to overcome the serious physical and emotional side effects of these conditions. Overall, show all the love and support you can to help your teenager get through this challenging time.

About the author

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Body image photo: ©Siniehina / Adobe Stock.

Dr. Jane Nelsen self-published her book, Positive Discipline, in the 1980s, and its effect on the world of parenting and teaching children has been substantial. The techniques she outlines have been further developed in the decades since the book’s publication, and it’s agreed that positive discipline works across the spectrum to help foster confident, well-behaved and supported teens.

A quick web search will reveal positive discipline is a widely used concept, but essentially, it’s the parenting (and teaching) approach used to describe encouraging kids for positive behaviors without punishing them for negative behaviors. Being a positive discipline parent doesn’t mean being overly permissive, but it does mean going a step beyond typical punishment methods to help kids grow in other ways. Here’s a quick breakdown of the technique, along with my top reasons for parents of teens to give it a try.

Positive Discipline in a Nutshell

Positive discipline maintains that there are no bad kids, only bad decisions, and those decisions are made because of underlying reasons. Think of it like an iceberg: The fact your kid took the car without permission is only the tip, and their reasons for doing so remain unseen. Positive discipline works to make kids feel like they can open up about their underlying emotions and motivations, thus becoming closer to their mentors. In turn, this makes it easier for mentors (parents, tutors, coaches, and the like) to understand where kids are coming from and work to make positive change.

This technique focuses on being kind and firm at the same time. This helps kids feel like they truly belong, instills long-term lessons and life skills, and encourages them to recognize their potential. All of these goals are realized without verbal, physical or psychological punishments. Instead, they’re met by techniques like using positive language, offering alternatives instead of limiting choices, teaching emotions, and open communication. It’s a child-first approach to parenting that still disciplines unwanted behaviors without instilling mistrust, anger or resentment. Here are my top three reasons why parents should consider trying positive discipline for teens.

1. Teens Feel Supported

When positive discipline is done right, teenagers will feel like they’re truly being encouraged to pursue their passions. Supporting teenagers with positive language, like praising their efforts instead of lamenting their failures, will make them feel like they’ve always got someone in their corner. In turn, this will make them feel more confident and strive to reach their maximum potential instead of playing it safe.

2. Curbs Unwanted Behaviors

While positive discipline might seem a little soft to some parents, it’s actually an incredibly efficient way to get rid of your teen’s nastier behaviors. If you aren’t having any luck grounding them, taking away privileges or loading them up with extra chores, don’t immediately look for the closest teen boot camp. Chances are, your teen is acting out because of the punishments you’re using. If they can get a reaction out of you, they’ll be more likely to rebel and break the rules of your home. Harsh punishments also diminish the trust between parents and teens. This will make teens feel less guilty about breaking rules, and more likely to do so.

By focusing on rewarding positive behaviors and searching for the roots of negative behaviors, positive discipline is actually very effective in curbing some teens’ unwanted behaviors. If your teen is consistently acting out, consider rewarding them for the good they’re doing instead of punishing them for the bad. It might be just the kind of support they need to make a lasting change!

3. Positive Discipline Doesn’t Hurt Parent-Teen Relationships

This is one of the wonders of positive discipline for teens. Parents often feel bad or awkward about punishing their teen, especially considering harsh punishments can have lasting negative effects on the relationship parents and teenagers have. Grounding a teenager for a long period of time, not allowing them to see certain friends or keeping them from attending a big event like prom might teach teens a lesson, but it might also backfire by seriously hurting the relationship between teens and their parents.

Positive discipline works to eliminate this. Since it isn’t a punishment-first approach to parenting, it  actually focuses on building the relationship between parents and teens rather than wearing it down. Parents who use this technique work together with their teens to face problems and find solutions, rather than acting as a know-all dictator.

If you’re worried about the long-term consequences of punishing your teen, you should definitely give positive discipline a try!

About the author

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Hug photo: © motortion / Adobe Stock.

Does getting your kid to study feel like pulling teeth? Do you bite your tongue to stop yourself from admitting they’re right when they scream “It’s boring” and “I don’t want to do it!” Studying is simply no fun. But if they want to pass their tests and earn better grades you know they’re capable of, they have to do it.

If you have a child who has all the potential in the world but struggles with test taking, it probably has nothing to do with their intelligence. It might be that they never learned the right strategies for studying effectively. So here are six of the best studying tips for preparing your kid for the big test.

Six Studying Tips for Your Kid

1. Go Over Their Notes
This may seem self-explanatory but reviewing notes before beginning any assignment is extremely important. Have your child do a thorough re-read of all their notes to make sure they understand a concept before starting an assignment. If they are working on an essay, review the prompt together. Make sure they know how long the essay needs to be and what concepts need to be included. This prevents your child from making silly mistakes, like writing about the wrong chapters or forgetting the word count.

2. Plan a Study Schedule
When preparing for a test, you may think the main priority should be reviewing the concepts they struggle with the most. But if they focus too much on this, they might forget to review everything else. To avoid this, have your child draw out a study schedule. Make sure it gives them added time to focus on the most challenging concepts but still allows them time to review the rest of the material. Of our studying tips, this one ensures your child is prepared for everything and won’t be caught off guard by a test question about a concept they forgot.

If your kid has three and a half hours to review for a Spanish test, and they struggle the most with verb conjugation, here’s a plan they could use:

• Present Tense Verbs: 30 minutes
• Verb Conjugation: 50 minutes
• Singular and Plural Adjectives: 35 minutes
• Indefinite Articles: 20 minutes
• Pronouns: 30 minutes
• Re-review Verb Conjugation: 45 minutes

3. Create Essay Outlines
When writing a paper, it’s easy for your kid to feel confused about where to start. Having multiple concepts to cover and a high word count is daunting enough to make them avoid the task altogether. While you can’t write the essay for them, you can help them gather their ideas in an outline. Creating an outline helps organize the information essential to their essay and determine where it all needs to go. Break down the information into related groups and sort them into introductory, body, and conclusion paragraphs. Help them come up with strong topic sentences, recurring themes, and transitions to link all their ideas together. Now that you’ve given your kid some direction with these studying tips, all they need to do is piece it together with words. Try the program Scribbr to show your kid how to write the perfect outline.

4. Make Practice Tests
Before test day, make sure your kid is in the right headspace. To do this, have them craft weekly quizzes that’ll help them review the subjects they’ve been learning. Review your kids notes with them and help them identify the main concepts that are going to be on the test. Then write up a multiple choice test on the computer and have them practice taking it. You can also use websites like Complete Test Preparation to find sample tests for science, math and more.

5. Manage their Distractions
If your student devoted as much time to studying as to their phone, they’d be acing all their tests. Of course you understand how easy it is to get distracted by Instagram and TikTok, but it’s frustrating to see how much it’s impacting their grades. When they are constantly disrupting study time to check texts and apps, it feels like the only solution is taking away their phone altogether. However, preventing them from taking breaks or checking their phone is not the answer. Instead, create a reward system. For every hour and a half of studying they complete, reward them with a 10-minute break to do whatever they want. This’ll give them an incentive to buckle down and hit the books.

6. Get Help From the Teacher
It’s good to encourage your kid to ask questions during class. It ensures they’re getting the answers they need when they don’t understand a subject. However, it’s important to encourage them not to take too much of their teachers time in class. When they habitually ask long questions in class, they might be taking time away from others kids who also need help. It’s important to teach your kids to be considerate of other students and not monopolize their teachers ability to help all students. Instead, encourage them to talk to their teacher after class and determine times when they can get one-on-one help.

If your child’s teacher can tutor your kid, make time in your schedule to accompany your student. This shows your child that you and their teacher want them to succeed. Additionally, it allows you to get a firmer grasp on their learning style so you can better help them study at home.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of TalkingToTeens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Best studying tips photo: © Odua Images / Adobe Stock.

We are constantly fed conflicting messages about how to be a man. and these mixed messages can be confusing and harmful to children. If you let the media teach masculinity to your son, he might be drawing on a plethora of bad examples of “manliness”: Men not caring what others say, using anger to get their way, or thinking that the world owes them something simply for existing.

However, modeling healthy masculinity at home can help your son get a real grip on what being a good person looks like, and show your daughter how a well-behaved man should act. Here are five traits of healthy masculinity and how you can teach masculinity by modeling them at home:

1. Fairness

What it is: One of the most important aspects of positive masculinity is the idea of being just. To be just means being fair and doing the right thing even when nobody else is around. If you’re reading this article, you’re probably a dad who wants your child to be a good presence in the world and being just leaves a great impression.

Top traits:

1. Looks out for others
2. Makes sure everyone is treated fairly
3. Holds other people accountable.

Teaching it: We can teach masculinity through just actions by being judicial at home. If your child does or says something inappropriate, kindly and calmly let them know that their actions and words have power and consequences. When we’re just, we work actively toward making the world a more equal and fair place.

2. Integrity

What it is: Acting with integrity can take many forms, ranging from being honest to doing hard work. Either way, all forms of integrity demonstrate a trustworthy competency. When we act with integrity, we show others they can open up to us and rely on us.

Top traits:

1. Keeps his word
2. Admits when he’s wrong, how he can grow
3. Tells the truth

Teaching it: It can be hard for us to admit our faults, but it’s so necessary. Showing our children how to be trustworthy and maintain our word is crucial, and you can do it from home. Make sure your son knows he can always tell you the truth, that you appreciate him, and that you are honest with him. Being able to admit when you’re wrong, change your mind, and thoroughly listen to others’ words can show your child it’s OK to make mistakes and let others take the lead.

3. Emotional Openness

What it is: Men tend to freeze up when it comes to showing emotion because it has been framed as “weak” or “feminine.” However, being able to show and manage our emotions is as important for health as a good workout.

Top traits:

1. Channels his anger properly
2. Shows affection to those around him
3. Isn’t afraid to let others know his feelings

Teaching it: Emotions are often labeled as feminine things, so lacking feelings is thought to be more masculine. This false perception creates a damaging precedent. It tells young men not to show love or ask for help — two of the most important things all humans need.

At home, your child can greatly benefit from seeing you when you’re hurting, when you’re proud of them, or even how much you love them. You teach masculinity in a positive way whenever you let your child know feelings are nothing to be ashamed of.

4. Confidence

What it is: How many times have you let other people’s opinions define you? One of the most important aspects of being a good man is to be confident in yourself and to embrace who you are. It’s great for children to see their dads let their personality shine, so they don’t feel embarrassed of their own identities.

Another defining feature of confidence is approaching situations and saying, “I can handle this.” Whether it’s a father-daughter dance, fixing a car, or disarming a bomb, confident men know they’re up to the task. But they also know how to say “I need help,” as over-confidence can be a vice instead of a virtue.

Top traits:

1. Says “I think I can do this.”
2. Allows himself to be happy and likes his interests.
3. Knows that he deserves a place in the world.

Teaching it: To demonstrate confidence at home, practice giving your child pep talks or reveal your own self-motivation strategies. Encourage them to surround themselves with friends who accept them for who they are. Also, try to remind your child that sometimes even the most prepared person can be in over their head.

5. Leading by Example

What it is: You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? A big part of how to teach masculinity in a positive way is leading by example, showing your child what “doing right” looks like! They’re going to look to you for guidance so don’t be scared to show off. When your child sees you take initiative, they will see the value of tackling problems and acting selflessly.

Top traits:

1. Being curious about the world
2. Asking “What can I do to help?”
3. Doing the hard work that needs to be done

Teaching it: To show how setting a good example is a masculine trait from home, show your child what good behavior looks like. Yard needs mowing? We get out there and mow it! Need to stop at the store? We surprise our partners with flowers! Pick up that piece of trash, say thank you, and do what needs to be done.

Teach masculinity step-by-step starting today

Now, some of you might be reading this article and saying “Wow, that sounds like a lot,” but these are all abilities you already possess!

As a dad, it can be tough to know how to raise a son to be a great person. Modeling healthy masculinity helps you raise your son into the good man you want him to be. While these five actions are only pieces to a healthy model, they’re a great place to start!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of Talking to Teens, a ghostwriter at Write It Great, and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Teach masculinity photo: ©Monkey Business / Adobe Stock.

We live in a world where everyone voluntarily carries a powerful location tracking device with us everywhere we go — a cell phone. Most of us wouldn’t dream of giving it up. We love that “getting lost” has become a thing of the past. We enjoy being able to tag our location in travel photos with a single tap. We’ve gotten used to the luxury of taking an Uber any time of the day or night.

There’s no doubt being able to track your child’s whereabouts has incredible benefits. But in the realm of parenting, it can also create tension, resentment, depression, and some downright nasty arguments. Teenagers can feel controlled, spied on and manipulated when parents use cell phone GPS to check in.

Here are four typical mistakes parents can make when deciding to use location tracking via cell phone on their teens.

1. Secretly Tracking Your Teen’s Location

The first big mistake parents can make is starting to track their teen’s location without talking with their child ahead of time. I get it. Like the sex talk, this also isn’t an easy conversation. You pay for the phone so you feel entitled to use it however you want. There’s a strong urge to check in clandestinely and see whether your teen is being truthful about their whereabouts. But tracking your teen’s location without telling them is a recipe for disaster.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

There are two big reasons why this isn’t a good idea. First, it’s not going to stay a secret for long. Trust me, the cat will get out of the bag sooner than you think. Studies show that over 96% of teens lie to their parents about where they are and who they are with. Most of the time it’s nothing to worry about; they just want privacy and don’t feel like explaining every detail of their schedule. You’re opening Pandora’s Box if you start tracking them without their knowledge.

Second, it’s a serious violation of trust. It will damage your relationship with your teen. Research indicates that parent-teen conflict increases significantly when teens feel their privacy has been invaded. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t want your spouse doing it to you, don’t do it to your teenager.

What To Do Instead

Try saying something like, “This is not about spying on you. It’s about keeping you safe. I’m activating location tracking but I’m only going to use it if I’m worried about you or need to find you in an emergency.”

Let them know the boundaries and expectations for the tracking software so they don’t feel like you’re constantly looking over their shoulder. Your teen will be more open to the idea if you explain how it’s useful for your job as a parent. Use this opportunity to initiate an open dialogue and decide on something that seems fair to both of you. Be transparent and let them know every time you use it.

2. Checking Obsessively Where Your Child Is

You don’t want to be that parent who is constantly checking his phone, wondering, “Is my kid in danger?” It’s nerve-wracking and unhealthy. Once you start tracking your teen, it can easily turn into another obsessive habit to add to checking your email inbox, text messages and social media notifications. Don’t let that happen.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

The more your monitor your teen‘s location, the fewer opportunities your teen will have to make their own decisions for their own reasons. Remember, your teen is transitioning to being an independent adult. It is good for both of you to allow your teen to experiment with their independence — even if this means your teen isn’t always 100% honest with you.

What To Do Instead

It’s a good idea to set up clear rules in advance with your teen about when it is appropriate to monitor their location and when it isn’t. For instance, you could say something like, “If you come home safely before your curfew and communicate with me ahead of time about your whereabouts, I will NEVER track your location.” Then you could explain that you reserve the right to check in on them if they are out past their curfew or if they don’t respond to your calls or texts in more than 60 minutes.

3. Using Cell Phone Tracking Over Communication

If you don’t know where your teenager is, it’s always better to ask first instead of immediately checking their location. When teens know they are going to be tracked no matter what they do, they could get in the habit of going out without permission. You might both start to treat the app like some sort of safety net that overrides the need to communicate.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

This can be dangerous. Teens quickly learn how to game the system. For instance, they’ll start planting their cell phones at home or at school, knowing you won’t ask questions if you see they are in a “safe” place. Your teen can take advantage of you and easily work around the technology if that’s your only line of communication. Problematic teens may avoid the process of asking for permission, preferring to ask for forgiveness or deal with the consequences later. Don’t let location tracking inadvertently promote this pattern

What To Do Instead

Try giving your teen some control over whether they get tracked. Let them know that by practicing good communication and coming home when they say they will that they avoid getting spied on. Enforce this rule a few times and, almost as if by magic, your teen will become exceptionally punctual and will turn into an impeccable communicator.

4. Tracking Their Location Indefinitely

If you start to rely on location tracking of your kids’ cell phones as a crutch, it’s hard to know when to stop. This can lead to a situation where teens leave for college and parents continue to check in on what they are doing every few hours. That’s not healthy for either of you.

Why I Don’t Recommend It

Your job as a parent is to get your teen ready for the adult world. When they leave home at 18, they should be completely independent and prepared for college, a gap year, or the job market. Studies show that “helicopter parenting” is detrimental to your teen’s development. Also, it’s stressful for you. Let go!

What To Do Instead

Consider cell phone location tracking of your kids as training wheels. When you tell your teen that you are going to be setting up parental controls on their phone, be sure to outline exactly how long you intend to use the location tracking feature. Explain to your teenager what criteria you want them to meet before it’s safe for them to roam free of location services. They will be much more receptive to taking responsibility if you can outline concrete steps to growing more independent.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

Girls on cell phone photo: ©Farknot Architect / Adobe Stock.

It’s critical for dads to have the sex talk with their children early and to get it right. It’s not OK to leave the big talk to Mom or to assume the teachers at school will take care of it. Think about it this way: the teenage brain is hard-wired to care about sex, so when you talk about it your teen will listen closely to anything you say. Don’t miss that opportunity!

I’ve noticed a few things dads get wrong when they try to have a sex talk with their teenagers. Are you making any of these common mistakes?

1. Avoiding Your Own Sex Life

It can be awkward to talk to your teenager about your own sexual history. Dads often avoid discussing their personal lives when they are having the sex talk. However, vulnerability is actually a good thing. When you share something personal it will show your teen it’s safe to open up, too. Plus, “The Talk” is better understood when you have personal advice to touch on. Don’t be afraid to discuss your first time or instances when sex wasn’t the best idea. This can be useful and highly memorable advice.

2. Skipping the Practice Run

When talking about sex, you have to be clear and specific so the lesson will stick. Nervous fathers are often too vague when addressing topics like anatomy and STDs because they don’t like going into these details with their children. This is a form of stage fright, and the best way to shake stage fright is to practice. Become very familiar and confident with awkward words and concepts. Practice saying the most awkward things over and over 100 times each before you sit down with your teen.

3. Treating it Like a One-Time Event

Chats about reproduction and sexuality should be ongoing, starting from a young age. When a father breaches the subject for the first time, he should let his child know that the door is always open. As your teen encounters new questions or ideas around sex, you want to be there to continue the conversation. Studies show that teenagers often make bad decisions when they don’t get help from a trusted adult. Checking in regularly and demystifying the taboo around sex will teach your teen that it’s OK to come to you for advice.

4. Making the Sex Talk a Surprise

Don’t spring “The Talk” on your teen. Make sure to set the tone by warning your teen about the topic before you sit down for the conversation. Without a heads-up, your teen can feel trapped or blindsided by a sudden exchange about a very personal subject. To give your teen time to prepare, try saying something like, “I’d like to talk about puberty and sex. It won’t take any longer than 30 minutes. Would you rather do it at 6 or 8?” Offering a small choice is good so your teen doesn’t feel powerless.

5. Taking Yourself Too Seriously

Yes, this talk will be awkward for both of you. But don’t deliver a stern or boring lecture. If you do, your teen will block out everything you say and disengage from the conversation. On the other hand, a little bit of lightness goes a long way. Be upbeat, make the talk pleasant, and adopt an easygoing manner so your teen knows that talking about sex is nothing they have to worry about. It’s OK to laugh at yourself and at the awkwardness of it all!

6. Waiting Too Long to Give “The Talk”

The earlier, the better. Dads today need to compete with social media, school gossip and the natural sexual urges that arise in a teenager. Messages from peers are already shaping your teen’s opinions about sex, whether you like it or not. Get ahead of the curve and be proactive by talking to your children about sex early and often. If you’re wondering whether or not it’s too early to start having sex talks, then it’s time already. Start today!

Final Thoughts

The most important thing you can do as a parent is just to talk often about sex. You’re not going to get “everything” right, but don’t worry about that. On the other hand, you’ll never get anything right if you don’t try at all.

Yes, it’s going to be awkward. Yes, your teen is going to resist. Yes, you’ll want to stop. And yes, you still have to do it. It’s that important.

Good luck!

About the author

Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.

The sex talk photo: ©New Africa / Adobe Stock.