When my daughter was born, my paternity leave consisted of whatever paid and unpaid time off from work I could bank before the big due date. It took me almost two years, but I saved a month’s worth of vacation, sick and personal days. During that month, I changed diapers, helped my wife recover from a C-section, and bonded with my child.  

At the end of my paternity leave, which was still an oddity then, I returned to work. I had no choice. My wife’s maternity leave was at reduced or no pay at all and my family needed my health insurance and paycheck. Things were fine until they were not.

My wife had to have gallbladder surgery during her maternity leave. She also popped a stitch carrying our newborn down the stairs and was in a lot of pain. I wanted to be there but couldn’t. I felt helpless.

What prevents men from being engaged fathers?

It is no secret mothers carry most of the mental load of parenting. There is a demand, and rightly so, for fathers to be more engaged. However, after the argument for better paternity leave policies, there is no path for this to happen. Many men are prevented from becoming engaged fathers.

To put it bluntly, many fathers can’t afford to spend more time with their kids. It’s the exact same situation I found myself in 17 years ago.

According to a 2023 Pew Research Center study, 55% of marriages “have a husband who is the primary or sole breadwinner, and 16% have a breadwinner wife.” The study also reports 29% of marriages where both spouses earn the same amount. While that last number is encouraging, the onus for providing an income for a family still falls primarily on men.

Now add in the average annual cost for childcare (a little over $10,000) and health insurance ($23,000). An average American family is already 33 grand in the hole the minute they have a child. This is before we get to the rising cost of diapers and formula, the housing market, or general inflation. Working parents everywhere are struggling just to survive. The term “side hustle” has now become part of a parent’s lexicon.

As a stay-at-home dad, I have seen the struggles my wife has endured as our financial caregiver. This goes beyond missing baseball games or not helping with laundry. She has fought back against misogyny and sexism to keep our health insurance. I point this out because being the primary breadwinner keeps one of the parents from being as engaged as they would want to be. And this cuts that way for most fathers.

Finally, societal and grassroots support systems in place for fathers are lacking. There is very little mentorship, acceptance or consistent quality advice available for fathers. A simple but telling sign: there are still men’s bathrooms in this day and age without changing tables. It’s such a simple fix that would help fathers and mothers everywhere.

My own experiences have shown me that fathers in the everyday parenting world are either treated as a potential threat or lavished with false praise for doing the simplest parenting job. When I go out with my dads’ group and their kids, especially early on when we had six dads with strollers, we’ve been stopped and asked to pose for pictures. I know of one father who was told to sit quietly during a playgroup with moms and not to speak unless someone approached him. And although that is a dramatic example, it still points to the problem.

What’s the solution to creating more engaged fathers?

To have more engaged fathers, ones that take on the mental load and are allowed to participate fully in family life, we have to make it possible for them to do so.

The burden of financial caregiving needs to be lessened. This includes affordable health insurance not tied to your employment and reasonable childcare. This is more difficult. In 2022, The Inflation Reduction Act was passed but cut out provisions for pre-kindergarten funding, lower childcare costs and enhanced tax credits, among others. This is disastrous for not just fathers. Not only did we not ease the financial difficulties for parents; we made it worse.

When legislation like this is passed, it’s mostly discussed on how it affects women and children. Fathers are often forgotten about in governmental policies and programs, which only adds to the dad as a “less than” parent association. For example, look at the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children, or WIC for short. Even though fathers can access the program, it’s not exactly inviting. Caregiving is genderless. Luckily, in this case, The National Fatherhood Initiative, one of the largest non-profit fatherhood-focused organizations, works with “human service organizations to be intentionally and proactively father-inclusive.”

To correct this thinking, we all need to treat fathers as parenting equals and expect them to be engaged. That means parenting spaces need to be more welcoming. When I go to story time with my children, I don’t need to ask why no one wants to sit next to me. I don’t need to be stopped for pictures with my dads, and please don’t applaud me for going to the grocery store with three kids. I’ve been doing it for 16 years, it’s normal.

And as it is normal, there continues to be a need for more fatherhood organizations that encourage the everyday involvement of fathers. These have been growing over the last decade such as Fathering Together, Movember for men’s mental health, and many others. There has also been more fatherhood advice that reaches dads where they are such as podcasts like The Dad Time Out Show and the Dadass Podcast, which recently worked with the Columbus City Council to install 130 changing tables. This is the kind of societal change that will go a long way to show that fathers are welcome, needed, and valued.

Becoming an engaged father doesn’t end with paternity leave. It’s the beginning and the first step to a future that is better for all parents.

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Photo: Takako Harkness Photography courtesy New York Baby Show

When our family’s child care situation proved unworkable last year, we knew we had to make a major lifestyle change. For us, it was bringing an au pair into our home to help care for our two children.

Au pair comes from the French, meaning “on par” or “equal to.” Agencies we talked to repeatedly stressed this concept. Unlike a live-in nanny, an au pair is expected to be treated more like a family member than a salaried employee.

What is an au pair?

Au pairs in the United States come from a foreign nation to live in your house for one year. They have J-1 student visas which require them to take courses during their time in the States. Host families set their schedules with certain labor law limitations and requirements (up to 45 hours a week, no more than 10 hours a day, paid vacation). Their duties often include watching and teaching the kids, changing diapers, giving baths and bottles, doing the kids’ laundry, and cleaning playrooms. Other responsibilities are up to the family. These may include school pickup or driving them to appointments, tutoring, or preparing meals for the broader house. The key in all of these arrangements is the “equal to” mentality. They’re paid, but not as servants — more like a cousin who’s living with you for a year. 

Finding an au pair was an interesting experience in itself. Many au pair agencies exist and, once you sign on with one, the experience becomes similar to the online dating systems my wife and I used to meet one another years ago. We created a profile and looked at candidates through a search portal online. We scrolled through profiles, read compatibility tests, and eventually conducted video interviews. Our candidate pool was a bit unique and limited. As a vegan house, we didn’t want to ask a non-vegetarian to live with us. Yet, we still had many people to consider.

Costs to consider

At this point, you hit the biggest con of the program: the cost.

An au pair costs roughly $10,000. (We found a similar price among the many agencies and programs we investigated.) This money goes to the program itself. It pays for the search, flights to bring your au pair to the States, training, visas and insurance. Beyond that, by law, the family pays the au pair a minimum weekly $200 stipend.

Then come the additional costs. You are responsible for room and in-house boarding. If your au pair drives, your auto insurance will rise. Most host families also cover their helper’s phone. If you plan to travel with your au pair, expect more expenses. You must pay for flights, separate hotel rooms, meals, entertainment tickets, etc. It adds up fast. 

Yet, even with all the above, the costs can come out well worth it. A single au pair cares for all your children. If you send two or three kids to daycare, an au pair may be far cheaper.

Our experience so far

Our au pair, Stefanin, arrived from southern Brazil eight months ago. It took a few months for my wife and I, as well as our two kids, to get used to the arrangement. Another person suddenly always being in the house is an adjustment. At times it felt like we’d adopted an older teenager. At other times it felt like we had Mary Poppins, minus the British accent. Note: Many au pairs do not speak English as a first language, which is one reason they join the program — to improve those skills. 

The biggest pros for us are the consistency and the flexibility. We set Ste’s schedule before each month, but if something happens, like a child getting sick, we don’t have to cancel having a sitter. Just last week, my wife was out of town. My 4-year-old daughter fell and injured her head. I called an ambulance and rushed her to the hospital, but was able to leave my son home, knowing he was fine with Ste. Having that extra adult there made a huge difference for my peace of mind. 

I am glad my children get to interact with someone who can teach them a bit about Brazil and South America. I’m glad for the flexibility and reliability in child care she’s provided, allowing my wife and I to take fairly regular date days. I’m also grateful for the help she’s given when we have traveled with her, whether just for a day or for longer trips. 

Is an au pair right for your family? It’s a different way to spend a year, and a different option to consider. Not every match works well. Yet, many matches go on to be part of the family forever. The program changed how I parent and live. It helped my kids, too. If it works for you financially, it’s something to consider.

For more information:

• How to hire an au pair (BabyList)
• Pros and cons (Fatherly)
• Pocket money, working hours, contracts (AuPairWorld)
• How to find the right au pair (Cultural Care Au Pair)

Photo by Kampus Production via Pexels

Editor’s Note: If you’ve ever considered attending HomeDadCon, the annual fatherhood conference held by The National At-Home Dad Network, then this might help make up your mind. It was originally published here in 2014.

When I became a stay-at-home dad in 2008, I was terrified.

My wife and I had just moved from Chicago, where I had lived for 33 years, to upstate New York. I had resigned as a public school teacher after 10 years to stay in our new home and raise our kids, who at the time were 21 months old and 3. I left family, friends, babysitters I knew and trusted, and a community I loved. It meant resetting everything about my life.

The first week was rough. Our son broke his collarbone. Here I was, in a strange city where I was unfamiliar with where the hospital was and I couldn’t get a hold of my wife or her parents who lived in the area for help. I felt lost. I questioned if I really could do this.

A few weeks later, once I got the lay of the land, I sought other dads like me but without luck. I kept seeing the same moms at the gym and at pickup for their kids. Most accepted me as a parent but I still needed guys to share my experiences with.

Then, at church one day, my wife and I met a couple who had kids of similar ages.

“What do you do for a living?” the husband asked.

“I am a stay-at-home dad,” I said, dreading his response.

“No kidding!” he said. “So am I.”

What resulted was a friendship with me, him and his brother-in-law, also a stay-at-home dad. We regularly met on Fridays, which we named “Dads and Subs.” One guy would bring the Wegmans’ sandwiches and the kids would have an instant playgroup while we got to talk to one another about our week.

An at-home dad conference? Really?

In August 2011, my wife received an offer to relocate again, this time to Philadelphia. We couldn’t pass up the opportunity. This was the first city, however, where we knew no one and the first city where we couldn’t rely on family to bail us out of a jam with the kids.

I looked for dads’ groups after we got settled but kept coming up empty. I found plenty of groups for stay-at-home moms of little ones, but nothing for dads. Once, I even tried to join a moms’ group but was quickly rejected because “they didn’t feel comfortable with a man there.” I was on an island with really nowhere to turn.

Then I came across The National At-Home Dad Network’s conference, an event for stay- and work-at-home fathers who embrace parenting as their most important job. It was billed as a chance to meet other active and involved dads, learn from experts about various parenting and social issues, and take a brief respite from parenting duties.

I made plans to go to their convention in Washington, D.C., that next year. My wife and I worked out a schedule with her parents to come while I was gone and watch the kids. I piled into the car by myself and drove to D.C., not knowing what to expect.

It turns out these guys — a fraction of the tens of thousands of at-home fathers in the United States — were just like me.

Focus on being great parents, bonding

The dads came from all over. They stayed home with their kids because it was what was best for their families. They focused on trying to be the best dads they could be.

At the conference, we listened to people who had written books on parenting, a psychologist studying the rise of male caregivers in our society, and a person who had a website devoted to helping male military spouses who were at home.

In break-out sessions, we had honest discussions without judgment. We could share and be heard while dads helped other dads. Panels discussed popular issues with other men just like me. Guys talked about isolation and everything from discipline to diapers and bottles to breastfeeding.

Being around your peers in any field will give you that sense of self-worth. You see that you aren’t the only one dealing with a kid who won’t eat or how your teenage daughter won’t talk to you. I never laughed so much in my life and, at its end, I cried. I didn’t want this feeling of acceptance to end. Finally, I found my people — all in one place, no longer scattered but uniformly united by fatherhood.

The shared moments with them socially and the sessions on parenting were just what I needed. When I returned home my wife saw a change in me. I was dedicated and rejuvenated ready to be back with my kids and be the best dad I could be. It inspired me to start my own dads’ group, which eventually became the Philly Dads Group.

The men I met at the dad conference and of the At-Home Dad Network, an all-volunteer organization working toward the betterment and acceptance of stay-at-home dads everywhere, helped me when I needed it most. These guys became my friends online and in real life. They lifted me higher than I could have imagined.

If you are an at-home dad on the fence about going to the convention, I say take a chance. You never know where it will lead. The National At-Home Dad Network saved me, and it can save you too.

A version of this post first appeared on DadNCharge.

Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. This one comes from 2014.

Parents have more stuff than ever to make their lives easier, but some common-sense parenting tools still need to be invented … soon!

Sure some of this stuff might be as likely as hoverboards to come along soon, or it might not pass all the safety tests, but it would restore sanity to busy parents’ lives. Something must be done, so here is my list. Borrow it, steal it, share it, whatever you do — just invent one thing off here and you will go down in parenting folklore as a hero.

Parenting Tools You Can Really Use

Shirts With Spit-Proof Shoulders

How many times have you left the house with spit-up, food, or saliva stains on your shoulder?! I now judge the cleanliness of my shirts just based on the collection of spots on the shoulders. C’mon, fashion designers, can’t we make some baby-proof Teflon fabric already?

Diapers That Actually Work

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t trap poop in a diaper? I feel as though there is a hidden tunnel in there specifically to channel poop up my baby’s back. How do babies pull off the trick of getting it up to their armpits without much landing inside the diaper anyway? Sure, your kid looks cute but transfer them to solid food and you might need a hose in the nursery to wash that crib down.

Pacifier Adhesive

There have been times I have looked longingly at duct tape and thought it would solve all of my pacifier problems. Can’t we have just a little nontoxic pacifier glue? I know, I know, there are all kinds of problems with this but an exhausted parent can dream, right?

Kid-Sized Hamster Feeder Water Bottle

I guarantee with a kid-sized hamster feeder water bottle, bedtime will be 300 percent more enjoyable. Does the kid need water? They just reach up to the wall-mounted gigantic upside-down water bottle and all is right with the world. Sure it would look ridiculous, but just think how much more entertaining Instagram would be with all those pictures.

Velcro Onesies

Another no-brainer in the parenting tools world. Onesies with snaps were designed by the devil himself. They should be illegal in all 50 states. I think being a zipper and Velcro-only country would stop half of all parent meltdowns. Point me in the direction of the store that sells these first and I will spend whatever it takes. They could even have a “Snaps Onesie” exchange program where you can trade in your vile snaps for the ease of Velcro. I might just cry tears of joy instead of tears of frustration.

Pants with Kid-Proof Knees

Engineers can design bulletproof vests but it’s impossible to make jeans that make it through an afternoon of my son at the playground. I firmly believe that we can upgrade our pants technology after keeping it status quo for hundreds of years. Sure there are more pressing issues in the world, but we all know little kids should grow out of their clothes before wearing them out. Kid-proof pants knees, I want them by Christmas.

Seatbelt for Eating at the Dining Room Table

What do you do when your child is too old for the booster seat but is allergic to sitting down at dinner? It’s like it is physically impossible for them to stay seated for longer than three bites of food. The dinnertime seat belt saves meals and lives!

Freeze-Frame

How many arguments have you been in the middle of and you just needed a short breather? Exactly. Saved By The Bell was ahead of its time when it introduced Zach Morris calling “timeout” in the middle of a scene. We need this among our parenting tools ASAP. Think about it. Everything freezes and you go eat a bowl of ice cream, then go back and solve the fight over what kid gets what book. You might even be able to finish cleaning the house before the first room you cleaned gets messed up again.

Instant Toddler Hug

As a dad, there is not much that brightens my day more than my son coming over and giving me a big hug. Why not get that feeling all day long? I don’t know how to do it but bottle toddler hugs and they would fly off the shelf. The world would just be a better place.

A version of Parenting Tools previously ran on Lunchbox Dad. Photo: © Syda Productions / Adobe Stock.

A meme poking fun at parents who had to balance the holidays with throwing parties for their kids who had mid-to-late December birthdays recently floated around the internet. As soon as I saw it, I had to chuckle because, in the middle of trying to make sure everything was in order for Christmas, I had to think to myself, “What about Eden’s birthday?” Sure, the Amazon orders for my son’s gifts from Santa had already been placed, and my wife was taken care of, but what were we going to do on the 27th, my daughter’s birthday?

Back in mid-2021, my wife learned she was pregnant with Baby No. 2. At that time, we were finally finding our footing as parents of a 2-year-old. We were sleeping pretty well and were in that sweet spot before the “terrible twos” really started to show their ugly face. Nonetheless, it was exciting for us to soon grow from a family of three to four.

I did the math in my head and guessed we were likely looking at a December baby. When we went to the OBGYN for our first appointment, they confirmed that Baby Girl Hudson would be due on Christmas Day! Throughout that year, I was back and forth on where I stood on having a Christmas baby. On one hand, I thought it would be really cool. I have some friends and family who are Christmas babies and they love it. And besides, it would be the easiest birthday to remember. On the other hand, I thought about how difficult it could potentially be to try and balance a child’s birthday with everything that comes with Christmas. I thought about how my child would possibly never be able to have a “real” birthday party because her friends would always be with their families and loved ones on Christmas.

Fast forward to December 2021. Christmas eventually came and went with no baby. Our precious Eden ended up coming two days later on Dec. 27. Although it is still the holiday season, she’ll have a day just for her.

As we approached her first birthday a few weeks ago, it was a joy to be able to celebrate with our extended family who we were with for Christmas. It made me realize that balancing the holidays with your child’s birthday isn’t a bad thing at all. We ended up singing “Happy Birthday” and having cake the night of Christmas. It was the perfect end to a beautiful, albeit long, day. Just as I did when my son turned one, I took some time to reflect on my first year as a girl dad and father of two. Three things (among many others) have stood out:

Experience matters

When our son came along, I had no idea what I was doing. I’d never changed a diaper before he was born. It was trial by fire until we sort of figured out what we were doing. When Eden came along, I was three years in the game as a dad. A seasoned vet. I was a more confident dad this go-’round. There was really nothing that surprised me during her first year. From how to deal with the early sleepless nights, to going to the pediatrician, to being able to read and understand my wife in her postpartum state, having “been there before” made this past year much smoother.

Children can fill lifelong voids

As an only child, I’ve always wondered what it was like to grow up with a sibling. I never really dwelled on it because it was just the way life ended up for me. However, now as a dad of two, I catch myself in awe of their interactions on a daily basis. While things got off to a rocky start with Emory being jealous at first, now that we’re a year in, they are inseparable. They go to school together, play together, and show each other affection. It has allowed me to experience something as a dad, I didn’t know I needed. It’s amazing to watch – even when it gets a little testy between the two.

Little girls will melt your heart

My friends told me to get ready. Those guys who were already girl dads warned me that there would be nothing like it. That my little girl would have me wrapped around her finger. I didn’t believe it would be like that. Boy, was I wrong. I love my son unconditionally. We have a father-son bond that I pray lasts forever. But a daughter’s love is different. This past year, I’ve been softened by her presence. Her smile eases the pain of a rough day. She has given me another reason to be the best dad I can be, and even more of a reason to look forward to the holiday season each year.

Photo: © yanlev / Adobe Stock.

The best thing my wife ever did for me after my son was born was nothing.

Let me explain.

Babies were a mystery to me when my son was born. Lamaze classes are great, but once you’re holding that squirming and peeing baby, everything goes out the window. The only thing I was confident doing when my son was born was changing diapers. I used to work with developmentally disabled adults and had changed thousands of diapers, so I had diapering down.

Everything else? Clueless.

Clueless, but fearless. I was completely confident that I was going to “get it.” And I was determined to do so.

My wife was equally confident I would be able to understand how to go about taking care of a baby. She would leave me alone with our new baby without worry.

Within days of our baby’s birth, I was alone with a crying little guy who I had no idea how to quiet. I walked around, danced, bobbed, did everything I could to help calm him, but time and again I failed. I tried to give him a bottle, but that also didn’t work. He was unhappy and I didn’t know how to hold him.

So there we were: two guys who didn’t know one another.

But my wife left us alone, and we figured it out.

My wife never yanked him from my arms and said, “Hold him this way.”

She never yelled, “You’re doing it wrong!”

She let me figure it out on my own.

My wife understands how I learn things. I’m like a lot of guys, I learn from being in the moment. I learn by doing things with my hands. Looking back, it must have been frustrating for her to watch the two of us struggle, but those struggles were important so that we could understand one another.

All too often I hear from new dads whose wives make them feel incompetent. This makes them not want to bond with the baby, let alone be unable to bond. Constantly fearing you’re doing it wrong and you’ll be scolded for doing so is not the way to start a parenting partnership. I don’t know if my wife consciously did this for me or if it was simply the result of being exhausted from delivering and breastfeeding.

Whatever the reason was, what she did was good for me.

A version of this first appeared on One Good Dad. Photo: Contributed by Greene Family.

City Dads Group recently pitched in to bolster a campaign to add changing tables to public bathrooms in central Ohio.

Our Cincinnati and Columbus chapters held successful diaper drives this month in support of “Dadvocate for Change,” an effort by two Columbus area parenting podcasters and a local fatherhood community group.

The hosts of The Dadass Podcast and CBUS Dads announced the campaign earlier this year. Their goal: adding changing tables to men’s and general-neutral bathrooms in the Columbus area. These additions would give caregivers, especially male ones, a clean, safe and comfortable place to change a baby’s diaper.

Pluie, makers of a self-sanitizing changing table for public bathrooms, is a major partner in the campaign. They installed the first Dadvocate for Change table at the North High Brewing brewpub in Dublin, Ohio, this month.

Our groups’ contributions were among more than 3,200 diapers and 720 wipes collected to kickoff the campaign, according to the Dadass Podcast website. It estimated that more than 125 families would be helped by the donation made to a local diaper bank.

Podcasters Matt Lofy and Shaun Ditty contacted our Cincinnati and Columbus groups this spring seeking help with the Dadvocate for Change launch. In response, Cincinnati Dads co-organizer Brock Lusch hosted a meetup/drive for his dads at a local brewery on May 7; Columbus Dads co-organizer Aaron Sheldon hosted one at a local doughnut shop and nearby playground the next weekend. The two leaders represented City Dads the campaign’s main event on May 14.

A history of helping keep babies clean, dry

The battle for equal access to changing tables is a familiar one for City Dads Group.

NYC and City Dads Group garnered attention for the cause in 2016. An Upworthy video interview of co-founder Lance Somerfeld on the subject, showing him needing to change his daughter’s diaper on a park bench, went viral.

In 2019, City Dads assisted diaper maker Pampers meeting a commitment to install 5,000 changing tables in men’s restrooms throughout the United States and Canada. City Dads members and followers nominated businesses and public spaces in need of changing tables.

City Dads has also worked to raise awareness of U.S. families struggling to have enough diapers and baby wipes for their children. That 2017 campaign was in coordination with the National Diaper Bank Network and its founding sponsor, Huggies diapers.

“OK, dad, do you need my help?” the polite medical assistant asked.

I assured her I was fine.

“Oh, ummm, do you want me to help with her pants?” she asked this time.

Once more, I assured the kind woman I was fine.

She would ask if I needed help two more times. By the final question, I was clenching my fist as hard as I could, hoping it would keep me from saying something ridiculous.

For the record, I’m always at risk of saying something ridiculous.

It’s not the medical assistant’s fault. She was trying to help a seemingly hapless dad handle a 2-year-old. A 2-year-old who really, really had zero interest in being at the doctor’s office. A 2-year-old who felt duty bound to wage a war of not-so-quiet resistance against each and every request made – no matter how politely asked.

This moment was a challenge for me, of course. It’s never easy to force your kid into doing something, but I was getting it done. I’m a professional father at this point, after all! This tiny, unruly, curly haired resistance fighter is my third child. I’ve got this. In fact, any time I’m in charge of just one kid, I’m having an easy day.

So no, I don’t need your damn help!

Gender roles and stereotypes

There are many societal forces at play when it comes to parsing out the origins of gender roles. I dare not dip my toes into that ever-expanding quagmire, but whether I like it or not, as a house husband, I am on the leading edge of redefining what it means to be a male caretaker of kids and home.

Despite this reality, it’s no surprise when a woman in a pediatrician’s office spots a dad alone with a kid, she naturally assumes something has gone horribly wrong: Poor ol’ dad is stuck taking the kid to an appointment! He likely has no idea what he’s doing. He definitely needs help. With EVERYTHING!

I admit, at one point in my life, I believed the trope. Maybe the slew of useless sitcom dads that populated my childhood evening TV time influenced my thinking. Those TV dads ALWAYS screwed things up. They were chronically unsure of how to handle young kids. Diapers? Comedy gold. Alone time with their kids was called “babysitting.” And, in general, they seemed completely unable to handle a pregnant woman. Household chores were a mystery. Without a female partner’s guiding hand, only bedlam followed.

Full confession: Sometimes I do need help. This isn’t the angry rant of a prideful male feeling emasculated by the woke mob. I’m simply suggesting the default response to a father out with his kids shouldn’t be to assume he is in over his head. Fathers aren’t babysitters. Fathers alone with their children are just parents parenting.

It’s not babysitting; it’s parenting

Once, I was at the zoo. At the time, I only had two kids. I had them in a stroller. I was wearing a backpack, and the stroller was kitted out with all the survival equipment one needs to endure an outing with tiny monsters. This was during the work week, so the other parents — equally kitted out, equally with their hands full — were mostly women.

I had dozens of people look at me and say, “Wow, you’ve got YOUR hands full!” Each time, I smiled and made increasingly smart-ass replies (remember, always about to say something ridiculous).

I noticed the same comments were not being made to the equally encumbered women around me. They had their hands full, too. However, only the bumbling dad needed encouragement.

I accept that the previous generation of men bare some burden for the bumbling dad archetype. Some may call the past generations the “greatest,” or behave as if they were somehow part of a time when the United States was “better,” but many fathers back then dropped the ball. A lot of absent dads discarded their children, either to chase careers or other women with whom they could procreate. So maybe men earned this judgment on their own. Whatever the cause, whatever the reason, I think it’s time society stop assuming that a dad alone with his child is in over his head.

Equal roles require equal help

I’m genuinely glad good people desire to do good things. It’s one of humanity’s most endearing qualities, but our broad assumptions need to become more enlightened. We need to start seeing a father as sharing parenting duties equally with a mother. (Well, OK — dads can’t grow humans, eject those humans, and feed same humans with our bodies, so, you now, there’s that.)

A father’s parenting duties isn’t limited to ball fields and arenas. It’s not just the garage and the backyard. A father can take his kid to the doctor, to ballet, and anywhere else his kids need him. It’s not punishment. It’s not a scheduling fail. People — it is called parenting, and dads do it, too.

And now I’m not sure exactly how to end this. I sure could use your help.

Just kidding. I got this.

Photo: © Jacob Lund / Adobe Stock.

Three years ago, my wife told me the news: we were expecting our second child. We were thrilled. We also knew exactly what to expect. After all, we’d been down this road before.

The famous book What to Expect When You’re Expecting is a classic guide for new parents. It answers all those big questions about pregnancy and the early months. We didn’t need to review it, though. We already had one kid, we knew exactly what to expect. In fact, we were quite convinced Kid No. 2 was going to be simple compared to Kid No. 1.

We couldn’t have been more wrong.

Every child is unique. It took time to adapt to my son’s unique interests and acknowledge that he wasn’t, in fact, a Mini-Me. Yet, the things that make him unique are worth cherishing. In a similar vein, my daughter is not Kid No. 2. She’s not a book we’re re-reading or the second season of a show we’ve already started. She definitely isn’t her big brother. She’s her own unique self, with her own joys and challenges. She is not what we expected. The entire act of parenting multiple children is different than we expected as well.

Different right from the start

When kids are born, they are blobs capable of three things: eating, going in their diapers, and sleeping. Don’t get me wrong, they’re adorable little blobs. To their sleep-deprived, often-struggling parents, those blobs are pure perfection. But again, we knew exactly what to expect with our second one … or did we?

My son was easy to feed, but impossible to get to sleep. I fed him bottles in the middle of the night, and he downed them. I’d also drive him for hours in circles hoping the car would lull him into slumber. My daughter, however, was a great sleeper. She laid down and slept. But feeding … Well, for the first six months of her life my daughter wanted nothing to do with me. To use a quote from the old show Dinosaurs, I was “not-the-Mama.” Never mind that I was the stay-at-home parent, and in charge of feedings and keeping her happy. If I was around there were tears and yells. No bottles. Ever. Especially from that bearded non-the-Mama guy.

Fast forward a bit, and the differences continue. Every time we think we know what’s next, we’re wrong. My son was an early speaker. He was forming entire sentences and stories before age 2. He wasn’t as physically curious, however, especially with things like climbing. My daughter is a climber and a daredevil. She sees a ledge and she instantly jumps. Daddy — who is tolerable now, I’m happy to say, though still apparently less fun than Mom — will catch her. That’s the belief. Sometimes she leaps with eyes closed, saying “Dad.” Just a literal leap of faith. They’re quite terrifying. She sees a ledge and jumps. She spies something small and completely inedible — into the mouth it goes. Why are toddlers so darned self-destructive? On the other hand, she’s only just talking now, at nearly 3. Completely unlike my son. Doctors told us there’s nothing wrong with this at all, she just developed differently.

There’s another dynamic to the entire “what to expect when we clearly don’t know what the heck we’re expecting” phase of our life. We spent months preparing our son for his sister’s arrival. We may have watched the show Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood a bit too much. There’s a season about the arrival of Daniel’s baby sister and how he copes with it emotionally. Of course, by the time we were ready to go to the hospital, my son told me how excited he was to meet the new baby tiger our family was having. We did explain that his sister would, in fact, be human.

Unique unto themselves but bonded together

The sibling dynamic is unpredictable and remains so in my family. My daughter idolizes her big brother. Even in her not-fond-of-me-the-Dad phase, she worshiped her brother. She imitates him and laughs when he’s around and always wants to be near him. As for my son, it goes in waves. Sometimes she’s OK, sometimes a friend, but often she’s an obstacle. Jealousy and even cruelty towards her appear from time to time, and they create challenges all their own. Even now, we’re never 100 percent sure what to expect on a day-to-day basis, although we always hope that it’ll be a day when the kids get along. When they do get along, it’s the best. There’s no greater image than the two kids hugging and smiling.

If I had a time machine, and could go back to try and explain to myself what to expect with my second child, I’d start by saying: lose all your expectations. I’d tell myself it’s going to be different than it was the first time. My daughter is unique. She’s an individual, and that’s a wonder in itself. I’d also emphasize to past-me that parenting two is different than parenting one, and a heck of a lot more tiring. There’s more to learn, just when you think you’re finally starting to “get” this parenting deal.

A few weeks ago, I finally broke out of the not-the-Mama phase. My daughter wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a big kiss on my cheek. She told me she loved me. And my son ran over and hugged us both. One thing I knew to expect, and was right — the good times can be twice as good, and filled with twice the love.

Photo: © Evrymmnt / Adobe Stock.

The news seems to be filled with tragic stories about one natural disaster after another these days. So are you prepared with an emergency family “go bag”?

A go bag goes by many names. It can be a “ready bag,” “bug out bag,” “disaster survival kit,” or an “emergency preparedness kit.” Whatever the name, every family should have one even if you don’t live in an area prone to wildfires, tornados or floods. When an emergency strikes, you do not want to be scrambling to gather essentials. You want them at the ready to keep you and your children safe and healthy if you need to make a quick get away from home for a few days.

What should be in your family go bag? First, it doesn’t have to be a bag though those are handy. Bins and boxes are also good. Second, it doesn’t all have a single bag, box or bin. Smaller containers that each family member can grab and go will work.

Now, let’s see what the experts in disaster preparedness recommend to pack.

Essentials for every family go bag

The Federal Emergency Management Agency, or FEMA, and American Red Cross each have recommendations for a basic emergency survival kit. Here’s the essentials for several days worth of bug out supplies:

• Water. Obviously, not easy to carry at the recommended amounts of one gallon of water per person per day. Keep some cases of bottled water or gallon jugs handy to toss in your car. Pack a resealable, reusable bottle for each family member, too.
• Non-perishable food. Packed cans? Don’t forget a manual can opener. Protein or granola bars, though, are more portable.
• Battery-powered or hand crank radio. Preferably get one with NOAA Weather Radio channels and an alert for severe weather bulletins. My own experience, living in hurricane zones all my life, is that battery powered radios tend to be more powerful and reliable as long as you pack …
• Extra batteries
• Flashlights
• Basic first aid kit. Various sized adhesive bandages, gauze, medical tape, antibacterial ointment, hydrocortisone are essential. Add an antihistamine (like Benadryl), ibuprofen and acetaminophen.
• Chargers and backup battery bank for cell phones
• Masks. These were initially recommended to help filter air contaminated from smoke or dust. Of course, COVID-19 has changed that some. Keep some N95 or KN95 masks handy as those can serve a dual purpose.
• Moist towelettes, soap, hand sanitizer
• Toiletries.
• Garbage bags and plastic ties (for sanitation)
• An all-purpose multitool. Get one with various knife blades, screwdriver heads, pliers, etc. I always keep one in my car’s glove compartment. It comes in handy in a pinch if not a crisis.
• Duct tape and super glue. Because, as every dad knows, if these can’t fix it …
• Local maps. Your phone’s mapping apps are useless if cell service is down.
• Cash. Power goes down, so do credit card machines.

Some other things to consider, depending on your location and time of year:

• insect repellant
• sunscreen
• blankets
• rain ponchos
• matches/lighter

Of course, a change of clothes and footwear for each person is also helpful.

Don’t forget personalization, pets

So much for the general items for every emergency go bag. Now let’s pay attention to the specific needs of your family members.

FEMA and the American Red Cross recommend a family go bag also contain:

• Personal medications and medical items. If you have a family member with a medical condition or need, such as insulin and syringes for a diabetic, extra batteries for hearing aids, reading glasses, etc.
• Baby supplies. Bottles, formula, baby food, diapers, wipes, pacifiers and a baby carrier are all vital.
• Pet supplies. Collar, leash, ID, food, carrier, bowl, meds, etc.
• Copies of personal documents. In a waterproof container, place medication lists and pertinent medical information, proof of home address, deed/lease to home, passports, birth certificates, insurance policies and so on. If paper copies are too bulky, put the documents on a USB thumb drive.
• Family emergency contact info. Keep a paper copy in a waterproof bag or container for handy reference.
• Extra set of car keys and house keys
• Games and activities for children. Keep in a separate bags the kids can carry on their own. For younger children, a stuffed animal or other security blanket item is a nice touch.

Ready? Grab you bag and go when told

A family go bag is only good if you take it with you in an emergency. Keep it in a handy location. Make sure all your family members are aware of where it is. And when authorities tell you to evacuate or leave, heed their call.

Photo: © SpeedShutter / Adobe Stock.