At times I would just stare at the clock and wonder why the day was going so slowly. I had already dealt with five major meltdowns from my 2-year-old since my wife had left for work, and the baby wasn’t following her usual schedule either.

The “me” time I would spend in the morning at our local YMCA suddenly seemed impossible and I often knew that there would be days when I would never leave the house. Dealing with a child in the “terrible twos” is a daunting task. I would think to myself, “If only I can fast forward to the threes, then we will be out of the woods.”

Well, that wasn’t true either. I discovered that the term “threenager” was coined for a specific reason. The time between your child’s second and fourth birthdays is the most daunting for a stay-at-home parent because kids start to realize that they have some free will.

The terrible two and threes is when your children will start to rebel. They may freak out because you cut up their sandwich wrong, the sippy cup you usually give them is the wrong color, or they really wanted pancakes and you gave them waffles instead. They will make you feel like the lowest of the low and they will get mad at you when they can’t tell you what they want because they think that you should be able to read their minds. This is the age when they often don’t have the words to explain what they want or are conflicted but can’t express themselves well.

Here is what you will need to:

Survive the terrible twos and threenagers in your life

1. Consequences

Consequences need to be established that are appropriate for your child’s age. If you want to correct a behavior you need to set an expectation. The main thing is you MUST FOLLOW THROUGH with a consequence. Don’t threaten if you don’t think you will follow through. Don’t count to three. Make it immediately clear that whatever they are doing is not appropriate in your eyes.

If your child exhibits a bad behavior, give them a consequence like a timeout. A time out of a minute for each year old your child is makes sense. Taking away their iPad time is only going to punish you later if you need quiet time. Follow through to the end and then release them. 

If it happens again, go through the process all over again. It will take A LOT of patience to get this done. Don’t try to reason with them. They are young, immature and don’t understand. My son used to run to the street all the time regardless of my explaining that it was dangerous. Consistent timeouts was the only thing that worked.

2. Consistency

This goes for all things, but let’s stuck with consistent timeouts. If they don’t follow your directions, put them on a step or chair that you deem a time-out chair. Tell them they have to stay in the chair for one minute for every year old they are. Set a timer. If they get out, don’t engage with them, just quietly put them back until they stay. When the time is up, get down to their level, and calmly explain why they were in a timeout. Explain that they need to say they are sorry. Hug it out. Then they can go back to playing.

3. Routine

Kids need structure. Make a schedule that fits with your day. Make snack times consistent (there’s that word again), the amount of time spent watching TV, one on one activities outside, errands to the store, and nap times. If kids don’t want to sleep, tell them they must have quiet time in their room. If they end up playing alone quietly, they are learning that there will be some times when they will just need to be on their own. At this age, they usually don’t recognize other children in play anyway and are in their own worlds.

Overstimulation at night can lead to restless nights. What is happening right before bed? Are they watching TV? Are you reading books to them? We would watch one soothing show on PBS Sprout, then read three books every night. Toddlers need a routine. It’s the reason that pre-schools consistently do the same thing EVERY DAY until they get it. Stick to that routine as best you can everywhere you go, and they will sleep more soundly.

If you travel, keeping your routine is harder. Being away from home is difficult for everyone — even I have trouble sleeping in a strange bed. The noises are different. It doesn’t feel the same. But try to make it as similar as it is at home. When my kids were young, I would put soothing music on at bedtime to help them fall asleep. On the road, I would play it on my phone and just let it run until they fell asleep.

4. Patience

Many dads have a tendency to get angry. Hitting is NEVER the answer. If you grew up in a house where spanking and regular beatings were commonplace and you think that you turned out OK just know this: physical violence teaches them that when faced with adversity, lashing out is the only way to deal with it. At a young age, they don’t know what they want so cut them a break. It’s going to be so frustrating and you may want to go into a room and scream into a pillow often.

Be patient. I know it’s hard. I have three kids who are now 12, 10 and 6 and I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for the last 10 years. People who believe in beatings don’t realize that they are not only physically hurting their kids but potentially damaging them emotionally as well. In real life, if you don’t do your job, people don’t beat you until you understand something. Consistent punishment in time outs, following through on behavioral consequences, and staying calm will teach your kids that it is okay to make mistakes and that you will love them through it all.

A version of this first appeared on DadNCharge. Survive the Terrible Twos photo by mdanys via Foter.com / CC BY.

Everyone has a friend for whom they’re constantly making excuses.

“He’s not normally like this” or “He’s cool once you get to know him” or “He’s got a weird sense of humor.”

After a while, it becomes apparent that that’s an awful lot of caveats, and maybe it’s time for your pal to start taking some of the blame for his own bad behavior.

Of late, that’s how I feel about my son.

At first, if we were out and he started acting like a monster, I’d get embarrassed and quickly qualify his bad behavior:

• “He didn’t get his nap today.”
• “He’s teething.”
• “He’s hungry.”
• “He doesn’t like the bright lights.”
• “We fed him after midnight. Big mistake.”

But nowadays, I find myself just outright blaming him.

One day, I was at a bar with some friends. My wife arrived a little later, our son by her side. Soon he started screaming every time someone so much as glanced in his direction. As a hardened veteran of these outbursts, and one who is quite sick of this phase of my son’s life, I stopped sugar-coating things. Instead of offering some half-assed explanation for my kid’s bad attitude, I just told everyone he was an asshole.

“Don’t mind him,” I said. “Screaming is his default mode these days. It’s nothing personal, he’s just being a dick.”

Bad behavior: The American Way

Now that he’s almost 3, I think it’s time he started taking some personal responsibility. Not everything he does is a result of something mommy or daddy has done wrong. He’s an individual, he makes his own choices. This is America! Right now, he’s choosing to be a massive pain in the ass, and I’m going to let him dig his own grave.

“Yeah, I’m his dad, but he’s his own man,” I’ll say. “He’s the one who threw the menu at you, so spit in his food, not mine.”

Of course, there’s a difference between no longer making excuses for my son’s bad behavior and letting that behavior go unchecked, and I’m certainly not advocating the latter. We still discipline, and we’ll still take a fair amount of responsibility for the person he eventually becomes, but the terrible twos are different. It’s something every parent goes through, regardless of how lenient or strict they are, and we just need to weather the storm. And while we do, we’re going to stop letting him off the hook when his behavior is going off the chain. In a bad way.

It’s his own reputation he’s ruining and, if he keeps this up, he’ll be persona non grata at every watering hole in town!

— A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.

If I had a dollar for every time I said, was told or thought “don’t worry, it’s just a phase” about my children (or when reassuring friends about theirs), my wife could quit working. Then we could both stay home full-time. We’d be rich! 

The bulk of that money, of course, would come from the voice inside my head repeating “itsjustaphaseitsjustaphaseitsjustaphase” while taking deep breaths and willing my brain not to explode.

My kids are 6 and 3 and, so far, the times between so-called phases have been shorter than the phases themselves. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all bullshit. There’s no such thing as “terrible twos” or “threenagers” or whatever pithy nicknames have been given to various stages of life. As children get older, they remain impossible to deal with rationally. Children are people. Sometimes people are assholes, other times they’re not. When kids are assholes, they don’t even pretend to be nice. They don’t have the common courtesy to remain courteous.

But it’s not like your kid is a total dick for the entirety of his second year. His dickishness just kind of comes in bunches. So, yes, it’s a phase. And another one is right around the corner, so get fucking used to it.

Just a phase … or am I just in hell?

My daughter, Penny, hit the “terrible twos” when she was 18 months old. She was so advanced! But 2 was actually a pretty good year for her. Three on the other hand … yowza.

Now she’s 6. As she becomes more educated, both formally and through her limited life experience, she’s become an expert. On everything. Sometimes she’s kind of right or I’m just too tired to explain why she’s wrong. “Because I said so” is the phrase of a lazy parent and one I have uttered all too often.

She’s also gone through periods of time that we couldn’t have been more in sync. These phases don’t seem to last as long, but that’s probably because I don’t really notice them until they’re gone. And with two kids, I’m always dealing with someone being an asshole. If it’s before I’ve had enough coffee, it’s probably me.

Related to phases, in my mind, are milestones, be they behavioral or educational. At a certain point in your children’s lives, it will actually matter who is more advanced and who is falling behind. But not yet. With very few exceptions, all kids will all learn to crawl, then walk, speak, use the toilet, read, tie their shoes, tell time and, god willing, make you a pot of coffee. So what’s it matter if your kid is ahead or behind by a few months? In the grand scheme of your child’s life, it doesn’t.

Chill out, moms and dads

I decided early in my parenting career not to get too hung up on how my children compared to their friends. It’s tough and sometimes I am completely hung up on how my children compare to their friends. When you have kids, you hang out with people who have kids, and the thing you have in common is kids, so you tend to talk about your kids. It’s hard not to brag. Impossible, really. And then there’s Facebook. If your friends’ kids aren’t totally wiping the floor with yours, they’ll share a story or video about some little fucker who is.

Even if you are somehow able to ignore all that (good luck!), you have the handy-dandy What to Expect book and its ilk making you feel lousy about your child not hitting all of her age-appropriate milestones right on cue.

So much noise! So much nonsense.

Whether it’s a good phase or bad, or your child is ahead or behind his peers, it is important to remember: this too shall pass. Something different is waiting around the bend. Maybe it’ll give you a well deserved breather or maybe it’ll make you long for those, in retrospect, not-so-terrible terrible twos. Parenting is a see-saw attached to a roller coaster. It’s fun, it’s scary and there are gonna be times you just want the sweet relief of vomiting your guts out. As soon as you’re enjoying the scenery, just know, shit’s about to go down. But, for some evolutionary biologically masochistic reason, you never want the ride to end.

Enjoy it while you can. Your kids will only be this age once and their childhood is just a phase.

A version of Just a Phase first appeared on Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad.