Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. This one comes from 2014.

Parents have more stuff than ever to make their lives easier, but some common-sense parenting tools still need to be invented … soon!

Sure some of this stuff might be as likely as hoverboards to come along soon, or it might not pass all the safety tests, but it would restore sanity to busy parents’ lives. Something must be done, so here is my list. Borrow it, steal it, share it, whatever you do — just invent one thing off here and you will go down in parenting folklore as a hero.

Parenting Tools You Can Really Use

Shirts With Spit-Proof Shoulders

How many times have you left the house with spit-up, food, or saliva stains on your shoulder?! I now judge the cleanliness of my shirts just based on the collection of spots on the shoulders. C’mon, fashion designers, can’t we make some baby-proof Teflon fabric already?

Diapers That Actually Work

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t trap poop in a diaper? I feel as though there is a hidden tunnel in there specifically to channel poop up my baby’s back. How do babies pull off the trick of getting it up to their armpits without much landing inside the diaper anyway? Sure, your kid looks cute but transfer them to solid food and you might need a hose in the nursery to wash that crib down.

Pacifier Adhesive

There have been times I have looked longingly at duct tape and thought it would solve all of my pacifier problems. Can’t we have just a little nontoxic pacifier glue? I know, I know, there are all kinds of problems with this but an exhausted parent can dream, right?

Kid-Sized Hamster Feeder Water Bottle

I guarantee with a kid-sized hamster feeder water bottle, bedtime will be 300 percent more enjoyable. Does the kid need water? They just reach up to the wall-mounted gigantic upside-down water bottle and all is right with the world. Sure it would look ridiculous, but just think how much more entertaining Instagram would be with all those pictures.

Velcro Onesies

Another no-brainer in the parenting tools world. Onesies with snaps were designed by the devil himself. They should be illegal in all 50 states. I think being a zipper and Velcro-only country would stop half of all parent meltdowns. Point me in the direction of the store that sells these first and I will spend whatever it takes. They could even have a “Snaps Onesie” exchange program where you can trade in your vile snaps for the ease of Velcro. I might just cry tears of joy instead of tears of frustration.

Pants with Kid-Proof Knees

Engineers can design bulletproof vests but it’s impossible to make jeans that make it through an afternoon of my son at the playground. I firmly believe that we can upgrade our pants technology after keeping it status quo for hundreds of years. Sure there are more pressing issues in the world, but we all know little kids should grow out of their clothes before wearing them out. Kid-proof pants knees, I want them by Christmas.

Seatbelt for Eating at the Dining Room Table

What do you do when your child is too old for the booster seat but is allergic to sitting down at dinner? It’s like it is physically impossible for them to stay seated for longer than three bites of food. The dinnertime seat belt saves meals and lives!

Freeze-Frame

How many arguments have you been in the middle of and you just needed a short breather? Exactly. Saved By The Bell was ahead of its time when it introduced Zach Morris calling “timeout” in the middle of a scene. We need this among our parenting tools ASAP. Think about it. Everything freezes and you go eat a bowl of ice cream, then go back and solve the fight over what kid gets what book. You might even be able to finish cleaning the house before the first room you cleaned gets messed up again.

Instant Toddler Hug

As a dad, there is not much that brightens my day more than my son coming over and giving me a big hug. Why not get that feeling all day long? I don’t know how to do it but bottle toddler hugs and they would fly off the shelf. The world would just be a better place.

A version of Parenting Tools previously ran on Lunchbox Dad. Photo: © Syda Productions / Adobe Stock.

Being a long-distance parent takes the parenting difficulty level up to 11. I only recently discovered this.

My wife and I didn’t get a divorce, but I did take a job halfway across the country. My family is living back in California while I get life ready for all of us here in Oklahoma. This distance is only temporary, but I am smack in the middle of being separated from my family for five weeks.

For some of you that might not be a big deal, but for me it is heart wrenching.

I feel like half of me is still in California with them. Some of these feelings might come from my parents’ divorce when I was 12. My dad moved out and suddenly my world turned upside down. But that taught me some lessons, and I have learned others on my own these past few weeks, about what it means to be a long-distance parent.

Drop everything when your kids call

This might seem like a no-brainer but I sometimes have an internal struggle with this. If I am not diligent about this I find myself typing on my keyboard while also trying to pay attention to them. It’s easy to rationalize, but your children deserve all your attention. Every single bit of it. They love you, they miss you, and it’s not their fault you aren’t there. Unless it’s an emergency or vitally important meeting just drop everything else. Your kids are worth it.

Don’t complain or take things personally

Your partner, spouse, ex, or whoever is shouldering the lion’s share of the load with the kids has way more to deal with than you. As a long-distance parent, you don’t get to complain when your kids have had a bad day and don’t want to talk to you. You don’t get to whine when your day seems stressful. You don’t get to take it personally when your children spend the night at a friend’s house and don’t Skype you on your schedule. Whatever you are feeling, the person who is full-time with your kids has had to deal with school, sports, throw up, diapers, explaining why their dad isn’t there and little sleep with zero break. You man-up, deal with it, and do whatever you can to help the situation. Never add to the problems.

If you are divorced, never complain about your ex to the kids

I don’t care whether he or she are the worst human being alive. You are an adult. Hold your tongue and smile. If you need someone to vent to, find a friend. Any complaints in the presence of your children will always drive them away. Trust me, I know because 20 years ago I was the kid in that situation.

Do everything asked of you without question

So your spouse wants you to fill out a load of paperwork? Do it with a smile. They need you to spend your day off running errands? You ask what else you can do. If you are wondering why, see the second point above.

Work longer hours when your kids aren’t there so you can take more time away when they are

Putting in longer hours when you don’t have to sucks. Sometimes you’re tired and you can’t look at another spreadsheet, go to any more meetings, or deal with your co-worker for one minute more. However, extra time with your kids is worth every single minute of overtime you put in. Parents rarely look back at their life and say, “I wish I would have worked more and spent less time with my family.” Usually the opposite is true. Get to the office early, stay late, and when you and your children finally reunite, enjoy every second you get to spend together.

Hopefully this helps if you have to be a long-distance parent. Give it your all, make mistakes, learn from them, and lastly never end a conversation without telling each and every child that you love them like crazy and miss them with all that you are. Being a dad is a privilege. Live up to the incredible calling you have been given no matter how many miles come between you and your family.

A version of this first appeared on Lunchbox Dad.

Photo credit: Vanishing Point via photopin (license)

Editor’s Note: San Francisco Dads Group co-organizer Beau Coffron, aka Lunchbox Dad, has become an Internet and media sensation for the beautiful, creative and fun meals he sends with his kid to school. This means many parents think he is a rock star/god … while a whole mess of others think he is an over-parenter with too much spare time. They are both wrong. He’s human and just fine with that.

So this is today’s lunch.

Why? Life happened.

After this last week of the TV breaking, the car battery going out, thinking the DVD player broke, and waging the war against lice in my house, this is what I had time and energy for. Not to mention we finally had the chance to celebrate my wife’s birthday.

I think it was the lice that broke me. Those little bugs might be the most infuriating parasites I have ever had to deal with. Hate it is a strong word, but I hate those little things.

Anyway, I had exactly 2.34 minutes of time and energy to put together this lunch. We had leftover pizza, mandarin oranges that needed to be eaten, blackberries, and a granola bar. I did have time to put in a handy little Lunchbox Love note though.

You know what I’m thankful for? I can feed my kids. If parents can do that, whether it’s a fun-shaped lunch or not, I think they are doing pretty good.

Got a kid who is a picky eater or just a handful at mealtimes? Here’s are 51 easy steps to help get your child to eat at your next dinner:

1. Start cooking a healthy dinner for your family.

2. Remember your child refuses to come within five feet of one ingredient you used in the dinner and child will use their special abilities to sense that ingredient.

3. Throw chicken nuggets in the microwave for your child to eat instead.

4. Call your family to dinner.

5. Call your child to dinner.

6. Put food on the table.

7. Call your child to dinner.

8. Ask your child where his pants are and tell him he can’t come to the dinner table with no pants on.

9. Tell your child to go wash his hands.

10. Dish up plates being careful not to let any food even give the appearance as if it has touched any other food.

11. Bite your tongue when your child says he doesn’t like dinner before he actually know what it is.

12. Sit down with your family to eat.

13. Tell your child to go wash his hands with soap this time.

14. Tell your child to sit down and eat.

15. Go get your child the “correct” superhero cup to drink out of.

16. Say a silent prayer begging for your child to actually eat dinner this time.

17. Think about taking your first bite of food.

18. Tell your child to sit down and eat.

19. Go get washcloth to clean up spill on the table.

20. Tell your child he can’t have seconds until he eats his vegetables.

21. Go get dog to clean up vegetables on the floor.

22. Think about taking your first bite of food again.

23. Tell your children to stop touching each other.

24. Remind your child that he ate the same vegetable two days ago and loved it.

25. Threaten to show your child video evidence of him eating the same vegetable two days ago and loving it.

26. Take first bite of lukewarm food.

27. Tell your child that he isn’t done with dinner after three bites and may not be excused.

28. Tell your child to sit down and eat.

29. Ask your family what their favorite part of the day was.

30. Tell your child that stealing the toy from his sister doesn’t count.

31. Reassure your child that the microscopic spot on the vegetables is not poisonous.

32. Go heat up your food in the microwave.

33. Tell your child that he won’t get dessert if he doesn’t finish his dinner.

34. When your child asks what is for dessert, respond that it’s a surprise.

35. Search around for something resembling a dessert that you hadn’t planned on serving.

36. Find hidden stash of leftover Halloween candy from 2012 for dessert.

37. Tell yourself that your dinner is just as good cold as it would have been hot.

38. Open vegetable negotiations with your child.

39. Make mental note to Google “how to register for debate classes at local college.”

40. Wipe away tears on face from intense negotiations.

41. Wipe child’s face as well.

42. Decide your child must eat four out of seven pieces of vegetables.

43. Go get candy and put it on a plate by your child as motivation.

44. Go to mental happy place when child starts gagging.

45. Resort to feeding your child like a baby with airplane noises included.

46. After three pieces of vegetables, realize it will take approximately 2 hours and 47 minutes for them to eat the last bite.

47. Let your child have half the dessert, convince yourself it’s a victory for you, and have him get ready for bed.

48. Eat the other half of dessert yourself.

49. Tell yourself you will have more willpower tomorrow.

50. Open up a bottle of wine and pour yourself a glass.

51. Put glass aside and drink straight from the bottle instead.

There you have it. Dinnertime is so much easier now, right? Just remember, “This too shall pass.” Or so people who don’t have small children at meals like to tell you. Which steps did I forget? Let me know in the comments below!

A version of this first appeared on Lunchbox Dad.

Photo credit: PublicDomainPictures.net

Maybe some of you have a picky eater in the house. My daughter will try most things, but my 4-year-old son has a new reason every day for why he won’t eat. To borrow a line from the movie A Christmas Story, “My son works in reasons why he won’t eat the way other artists might work in oils or clay. He’s a true master.”

Here are 39 reasons why my son won’t eat dinner:

1. I don’t want a baby spoon.
2. This spoon is too big.
3. Mommy makes it better.
4. Oranges are scary.
5. Pasta is scary.
6. I want a big boy cup.
7. I spilled my drink.
8. Water is scary.
9. Daddy makes it better.
10. Cantaloupe makes my lips tingle.
11. This plain pasta with butter is too spicy.
12. I’m tired, can I be done?
13. I only like blue carrots.
14. I’m not tired anymore I just want dessert!
15. I’m not hungry for dinner, can I have a snack?
16. I don’t like salad (said if any microscopic speck of green anything is spotted on his food).
17. Oops! The dog ate my dinner!
18. I gave the dog my fruit, he looked hungry.
19. I gave the floor my food, it looked hungry.
20. She looked at me.
21. He looked at me.
22. It’s too cold.
23. It’s too hot.
24. The dog looked at me.
25. I don’t like yellow scrambled eggs.
26. Sister touched me.
27. Sister won’t sit next to me.
28. I’m a chocolatarian, I only eat chocolate (OK, I made this one up but I’m positive it’s coming soon).
29. I want strawberries.
30. I don’t like “THOSE” strawberries.
31. What are you making? Whatever it is I don’t like that.
32. Can I have milk in my cereal?
33. Why did you put milk in my cereal?
34. How come she gets more? I want more … I’m full, I don’t want my food.
35. I liked tomatoes yesterday, not today.
36. I don’t like this plate.
37. I only want the one bowl in the house that is impossible to find right now.
38. I just want cherries! (said a day after he would rather be thrown into solitary confinement rather than touch a cherry)
39. This food came within one inch of touching another food. The whole plate is now yucky.

Editor’s Note: A version of this article first appeared on Lunchbox Dad.

I just spent part of tonight beating my 7-year-old daughter at Chutes and Ladders. OK, it was only one game, but it was hard fought and I pulled it out at the end. It might sound like I enjoyed it, but c’mon, it’s Chutes and Ladders: no adult ever really enjoys that game.

But I did care who won and who lost.

In fact, whenever my wife and I play board games, sports, card games or hopscotch with our kids, we don’t let them win. We never have. Yes, I know, we are terrible parents, right?

Listen, we don’t pull out every trick in the book or use grand master strategy to destroy them. I don’t get up and do a happy dance or throw it back in their face when they lose. However, sometimes they do win and it is fun for everyone. The thing is games aren’t always just about fun, sometimes they can teach us about life.

What kind of horribly competitive parents would do this? We are the kind of parents who love our kids and who actually want them to learn something about winning AND losing as they grow up. Somewhere along the line, our culture came to the conclusion that our kids must win at everything. Every participant gets a trophy and we don’t use red marks on school papers. Well, sorry, kids — that doesn’t fly in our house and we will never “let” you beat us.

In his incredibly insightful book Oh the Places You’ll Go, Dr. Seuss has a few lines that have rooted themselves in my parental thought process. The good doctor says:

“Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don’t
Because, sometimes, you won’t.”

As parents, we forget this. We shield our kids from the disappointments and losing in life. Sometimes it’s because we love them so much we never want them to experience defeat. Sometimes it’s because our own identity is tied up in them winning and it’s our own ego that gets in the way. No matter what it is, it’s not helping our children.

I remember playing Little League baseball and seeing a few of my teammates getting trophies at the end of the season. I wanted one so bad that it drove me to be better. I practiced harder so that one day, I might get that trophy. If everyone got one would it have cheapened it? Absolutely. I want my kids to know the hunger that drives you to be the best and the exhilaration of accomplishing that. I also want them to know what it feels like to be humbled because someone is better than you. Because there is always someone better. It’s just a matter of time before you meet them.

It’s not that we don’t want them to win. It’s that losing “well” is just as important as winning “well.” My kids hate to lose. Honestly, there are times when they’ve cried after losing a game. These moments of emotional distress turn into teachable moments to talk to them about how you can’t and won’t always come out on top, and that’s OK. Losing sucks, there’s no way around it. However, losing can show us how we can improve and how to maturely let someone else have the limelight. I love teaching my kids strategy about the game as we are playing it. When they get beat because of it, they see firsthand how to get better. If I let them win, I would deprive them of all these things. I also want our kids to know that they don’t always have to win to make us proud and they don’t have to win to get our love. They have that no matter what.

We are proud of them when they are in the front holding the 1st place ribbon, and we are proud of them when they play the best they can and still lose. In fact, I will hate when they are old enough to be on a team where everyone gets a trophy. Not only is it something else to clutter our house with, but it also hinders the drive to get better.

I hope all three of my kids find where their talents are and beat the snot out of the competition. I will be there to cheer them on when they win. I will also be there to hold them when they lose. I hope they will do each with grace and maturity.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to beating my son at Star Wars Chess.

A version of this first appeared on Lunchbox Dad.

Photo: © madhourse / Adobe Stock.