What will parents of the next generation think is crazy that we did as parents?

You know, in the same way that I can’t believe I never wore a seatbelt when I was a kid? And not only did I not wear a seatbelt, on long car trips, I would sit on the floorboards of the backseat for fun.

I also rode in cars with people who smoked … with the windows up. I mean, seriously — come on! What the hell? Windows up? I remember on more than one occasion, running to the store and buying cigarettes for my grandpa. At the time, I was 6.

I don’t see future moms and dads reversing some parenting trends. Such as them suddenly caring less about their kids wearing bike helmets. Certain things will always keep trending in a safer, more bubble-wrapped direction.

Still, future parents will be saying the same things about our parenting, I have no doubt. But what will the complaints be?

So long, sunscreen … and other fading parenting trends 

Screen time and technology will likely play a HUGE role in all of it. Will parents in the year 2030 be appalled we let our kids use iPads as a way of distraction while sitting in a restaurant or in the doctor’s office waiting room?

What about playgrounds? I’m picturing playgrounds of the future having nothing higher than about three feet off the ground. No more swings and slides either, those — like the now almost extinct seesaw — are much too dangerous.

This summer, I heard of people concerned about the safety of sunscreen. Maybe future generations will think we were crazy for slathering our kids up before they went to the pool. Who knows, maybe in 15 years, simply avoiding the sun is the only answer to not getting a sunburn.

I could see the potential for kids being in car seats until a later and later age. My question is, how do you stuff a 12-year-old into a rear-facing car seat?

Smoking is already in way fewer places than it was 30 years ago, my guess is, in another 15 years, there will be very few places people are allowed to smoke or vape. I’m thinking a smoker will only be allowed to smoke in his or her home and car.

Food. Food will likely be out of control. Half of each grocery store will likely be food designed, marketed and created just for kids. Not one of the items will have artificial ingredients or contain nuts either.

Ultimately, who knows what the future will hold in terms of parenting trends? In the end, as long as parents are hugging their kids, talking to them, reading to them and, in general, treating them right, I suppose all the other stuff ultimately doesn’t matter so much.

A version of this first appeared on Indy’s Child. Photo: © Gutu / Adobe Stock.

It’s fun to make predictions secure in the knowledge that no one will call you on your bullshit. Well, screw you, Daily Parent. I found your Parenting Trends to Watch for in 2015 and WOW — WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!

The author started off slow, hoping we wouldn’t notice, with mindful consumption and mindful parenting. Basically, it’s two ways of saying the same thing: “Put your damn phone down and pay attention to your kid!” Looking around the playground, as well as in the mirror (or at least the shiny reflection from my phone), I’m going to go out on a limb and say this trend did not catch on. As parents, we tried, we failed, we downloaded a new app.

Sharing kids. At first, I thought the author was going to predict  our kids would share more in 2015. Ha! That definitely didn’t happen. She actually meant sharing your children. Basically, dropping your kids off at a loved one’s house who doesn’t have their own bundles of endless joy. That’s called “babysitting” and it’s a not a trend.

Vanity birth selfies. “Some popular birth clothing items include bikini tops paired with complementary earrings and necklaces to ensure the ultimate postpost-delivery selfie and/or labor video … even … Botox and blow-dries immediately after birth.” I’m sure new mothers want to look their best in those first pictures with their precious newborn, but I can’t imagine them caring more about multiple outfit changes and low-level cosmetic surgery than having JUST EXPERIENCED NATURE’S GREATEST DAMN MIRACLE.

Cake smashing. People with too much money were clearly trendy in 2015. Aren’t they always? The prediction here is that parents would hire a professional photographer for their child’s first birthday. The penultimate shot, where this alleged trend gets its name, is your little angel in his Sunday finest smashing his cake like the destructive little asshole he apparently really is. The birthday party/photo shoot culminates in your baby screaming in the bubble bath, as the lens zooms in, the camera snaps away, and your guests wait downstairs wondering why they’re friends with you.

Sip-and-See parties. “Keep nosy neighbors, well-meaning in-laws and other extended family members and friends from landing on your doorstep to see the baby unannounced by sending invites or e-vites to your child’s social debut.” As if anyone actually gives a shit! If people are stopping by it’s to be a friend and help you out. If you don’t want them there, grow a pair and tell them to get out of your house. This passive-aggressive party, somehow, did not become all the rage.

And, finally, baby sprinkles. This is like the baby shower you had for your first child, but way less special and your friends will definitely resent you. They were barely hanging on after the cake smashing party. If you’re thinking of throwing a baby sprinkle, throw some cold water on that idea. They weren’t a trend in 2015 and they never will be. By the time you have more kids, your friends have kids of their own. No one is buying anyone any more new shit. If your second child is a different gender than your first, someone will give you the stuff their kid grew out of. They’ll be happy to get rid of it and you’ll be happy to take it. And the best part is: no one has to sit through another damn baby shower. No one likes baby showers! If anything, not having one will be a trend in 2018. You heard it here first!

Try again next year, Daily Parent!

(Please note: I don’t actually have a clue if any of these predicted trends caught on. But they all seem pretty stupid, so I sincerely hope not.)

A version of this first appeared on Amatuer Idiot/Professional Dad.