How is it that I get on my own nerves?

In my case, I’m socially awkward. As a child, I’d always be the quiet one, not sure how or when to interact with others. Seventy percent of my interactions with people were, to my estimation, “weird.” Then, I’d spend the day or week thinking of how I could have been wittier, or more responsive. Better listener, responder, etc. I have these memories going back to elementary school.

It took me many years to come to grips with this and accept I had a closed personality. Many more years to learn compensating techniques. And awkwardness is still prevalent when I am not confident of my role in a social situation.

If we’re meeting for social purposes, it’s OK. However, if it’s professional, I need to know what it is. If it’s a brief, chance interaction, I’ve developed enough “small talk” to get me through a few minutes. If it’s a blend of fun and professional, or small talk lasts more than those few minutes, or none of the above, I’m lost. I’m awkward. I usually shut down, not knowing what to do.

Introvert or awkward?

Basically, if I have an interaction I’m not mentally prepared for, and I “botch” it — like shaking someone’s hand while I’m sitting down when I knew I should always stand, or saying the wrong thing — I’ll replay it in my head repeatedly and plan how to be better next time. I’m always striving for continual improvement in life, to figure out how can I win at everything all the time. (Side note: This mindset leads to a lot of disappointment and feelings of loss, as you may expect. Try it at your own mental health risk. But for some reason, it doesn’t stop me from trying.).

My fear is that my son may be following my footsteps. He’s quite intelligent, capable, learns easily, active, good-natured, loves to ride his bike and laugh. However, he seems to like to take his time and assess situations before he opens up. Similar to me.

Being a part of the Anchorage Dads Group, going to our events and seeing everyone else’s kids immediately running and playing while I’m holding my kid until he gets the lay of the land is sometimes worrisome.

Why isn’t he doing the same? Why does he need to be held for 20 minutes first? What am I doing wrong to socialize him? Am I unwittingly damaging him through my awkward parenting style and personal deficiencies? The self-doubt runs rampant in my head as I’m hanging out with the guys who’s kids are having the time of their lives.

However, a watershed moment happened the other day.

Our group went to meet at a playground, like we usually do on Mondays. My son is in my arms, watching everyone else. We go to the woods that surround the playground to get a stick, suddenly, he practically jumps down and starts running around the trails and trees having fun. Then other kids go into the woods and he’s leading some other kids on a “trail run.” WOW!

Child finds his own path

It dawned on my cloudy mind that maybe I’ve falsely thinking that my son needs to be like everyone else. Maybe my kid just doesn’t like the playground? Hahahaha – such a relief.

My wife and I take him to the woods and trails about five times a week. Playing in the trees, running the trails, bushwhacking, mountain biking, throwing rocks into the creek, playing stickball with sticks and rocks. We’ve been taking him on walks through the forest since he was born, telling him that the woods are a place to recharge, breathe the clean air, look at the trees, listen to the wind. The forest is his home away from home. He’s just more than comfortable in the wild.

Maybe the playground to him is like swimming to me or after-work softball to my wife? People love swimming and softball, but we have minimal interest in the respective activities. I’d be more than happy to go hang out with people and socialize, but I’m not going in the water above my mid-thigh. My wife will play softball if she absolutely has to, but is extremely pleased to not have to participate.

Why did I write this giant explanation of myself to come to the realization that my “awkward” kid just doesn’t like the playground and he might be like me?

The thought process.

The journey of discovery.

The mountain I made of a molehill. The highs and lows of parenting and worry for the child. He’s 3 and doesn’t really know the words to articulate, “While I don’t dislike the playground, I’d prefer if we did something else. I might play with the others, I may not. I would rather just go to hang out and see the other kids.”

While talking through this issue with another member of our dads group, he said something to the effect of “I don’t think anything will cause deeper personal introspection than parenting.”

What if my son does turn out like me and is somewhat socially awkward? Lucky for him, his mother and I are there to coach him through these things. Probably half the world is in the same boat.

My lesson learned from all this? RELAX! He’ll be fine. Unbelievable how many times I need to relearn the same thing.

Awkward reflection Photo: © Kirill Grekov / Adobe Stock.

It should be the easiest thing in the world for me to do. As an at-home dad, you’d think all I did was hang out with my kid, right? Yes and no. It’s complicated.

While my 2-year-old son comes first, I do work. Real estate doesn’t sell itself (well, kinda, but that’s not the point). I also oversee events, social media and more for the Anchorage Dads Group; I’m on the board of a nonprofit, and I have to jam in time for my wife as well. Life is busy.

Caring for my son consumes a lot of time and takes priority over everything during the day. Everything revolves around his eating and sleeping schedule. Even a lot of my work is about him.

However, on a Monday morning, I found myself where I am frequently — rushing while time flies past. Rushing to get breakfast made; rushing to get the kid fed, cleaned and dressed; rushing to get lunch packed and us on the road in an hour or less. This is our routine almost every weekday.

“Am I really taking all this time we have together, filling it with hustle and bustle, fighting to get him into the car seat, and relegating my role from father to that of chauffeur and chef?” I wondered.

Yes.

“Am I missing out on developing his mind in favor of imprinting upon him that getting everything done in the morning as fast as you can is the most important thing?”

Yes.

“Am I going to regret not taking one measly morning or two a week to stay at home with him, cook a complicated and involved breakfast, read together, and maybe listen to music with him?”

Yes.

Good parenting beyond what the books say

I’m doing so many things right as this time flies by. Excellently good, in fact.

My professional education and experience has made me fairly knowledgeable about the philosophies of parenting. My kid NEVER get processed food. Never gets sugary food or drinks. His first two birthday “cakes” were a banana with a candle in it. He is on the cusp of reading already. At age 2! He can draw several letters. He can count to 20. He gets basic mathematics teaching at least once a week. He can hit a ball pitched to him AND run to first base, dribble a soccer ball down the field to score a goal and shoot a hoop with good form. He has a solid group of friends (with great dads) he looks forward to seeing frequently.

My role in all this has been the hustling chauffeur, chef and coach/instructor. Simple and basic “play time” is missing. It’s hard to remember the last time we had just regular ol’ horseplay. His “unstructured playtime,” as prescribed by professionals, is by himself while I do my work.

My mom made a comment on her last visit to the effect of “ages 2 to 5 are the best ages because that’s when kids are the most fun.” Really? Where’s my fun with him? It’s hard to remember the last time. He has fun scheduled all the time, but I’m a secondary part of it. What’s our “thing,” other than me bundling him up and shoving him into a car seat to go to the next thing on our list?

Evening reading time and play is primarily saved for his mom and their time of the day.

Seeing a picture of me just a year ago, where I was lifting him upside down by his legs, really got me missing a less busy life. It made me regret over-scheduling ourselves.

Such an easy solution is within my ability – cancel unimportant things. I can make everything necessary fit, but I need to shut down those activities that aren’t important so I can just be present.

Back to what’s “our” thing. I’m going to make “our thing” exercise. Just a couple of days ago he surprisingly did push-ups, squats and leg lifts with me. We followed that up with the introduction to premium wrestling moves: body slams, DDTs, power slams, and then the Boston Crab (very lightly!).

Maybe I’ll throw learning into “our thing”? Get him fully reading at age 3? Adding and subtracting at age 4? He can already count to 20, maybe we can hit 50 this year? He can recognize the word “cat,” maybe I can get him to write his name?

All it’s going to take from me is to slow down and focus on spending time — our time — together.

Time flies photo: © peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.

City Dads Group has broken out of the United States — the contiguous United States, that is.

The most populous city in Alaska recently started its own chapter of our expanding fatherhood social and support network — so please welcome, the Anchorage Dads Group.

Anchorage, situated on the south central coastline of the largest state in the union, contains around 300,000 residents — more than 40 percent of the state’s entire population. When the entire metropolitan area is taken into account, the 400,000 residents make up more than half of the Alaska’s population. All this makes Anchorage the perfect location for City Dads Group to open for business.

Michael Jenks, a married stay-at-home father of one boy, will lead the Anchorage Dads Group. He said he hopes to offer area fathers activities that won’t leave newcomers and the introvert “locked into an awkward social situation.”

“You don’t have to do anything but show up and have fun,” he said.

Jenks speaks from an experience common to most at-home dads. After leaving a full-time job in October 2016 to take care of his son, Franklin, now 2, he’d go out to parent-child activities and find only women there with children.

“Women have a tremendous ability to develop new social networks based on life circumstances, where men tend to use existing networks, whether it be childhood friends, or work friends,” he said. “I met a lot of men, but we had no real organization due to the limited number of us compared to women.”

When he meet other at-home dads, he said he found most of them were like him — professional men who made a temporary career sacrifice for the good of their family.

As a result, Jenks said the goals of Anchorage Dads Group are to:

• Provide fun activities specifically designed for dads and kids.
• Provide opportunities for kids to socialize and learn.
• Provide opportunities for dads to talk about their “job” and learn ways to manage their children.

Jenks worked for 10 years at an award-winning healthcare organization, some of which he spent in maternal-child health management and improvement. “I was exposed to many studies that showed how much of an impact a father has in a child’s life. A positive male role model — father or father-figure and preferably both — is a great predictor of how well the child does throughout life,” he said.

Anchorage Dads Group on social media

• Meetup (go here to join)
• Facebook
• Twitter
• Instagram