“Dad where are my swimsuit bottoms with the ruffles?” my 7-year-old, Emersyn, screams as she turns over her dresser drawers in frustration.

I laugh and help her locate the errant swimsuit: a long-sleeved rash guard with matching pink ruffles on the butt.

Breaking my concentration, a new voice suddenly beckons from across the room, “Dad, can you help tie up my top?”

My 13-year-old, Viviana, approaches me with her arms crossed, holding up her little, pink bikini top as its strings drape over her shoulders. She stands virtually eye-to-eye to me now. I dutifully tie a tight bow before she walks off in a two-piece bathing suit that I can only describe as an intersection of a dad’s nightmare and teenage boy’s dream. 

I’m thankful for summer, but not for the dad dread of my young daughters in swimsuits. 

When our daughters are small, the suits are cute – adorned with ruffled butts and cartoon character bellies. There is little worry of adequate coverage from the sun (or a creepy old guy). Emersyn, in fact, could not care less about what she is wearing in the pool as long as the suit does not interfere with her ability to dive for the pennies I toss to her in the shallow end. 

A swimsuit style change is a gonna come

Something changes, though, during the middle school years – between 11 and 14-years-old. 

Our kids’ swimsuits begin to show more skin, with far less fabric and more pieces, sold in “look at me” colors, purchased with the direct thought of what others might think when they see them at the beach, pool, or on their Insta story. 

No dad can prepare for the inevitable day when this happens. Just as our daughters graduate from ruffles and Minnie Mouse to bright pink and visible cleavage, we dads must evolve. And, as we come around to the forced idea that our little princesses are now little women, we will have to help them protect themselves while simultaneously improving their own body image. 

This is hard work.    

When I saw Viviana’s first such smallish swimsuit a few years ago, I immediately recoiled, “OH MY GOD. Did Mom say that was OK to buy? That seems a little mature.”

That was not the best of reactions.

It is easy to stomp your feet and throw down mandates as it relates to what your kid is allowed to wear. In doing so, though, dads may be walking ourselves into an inevitable rebellion. Moreover, we have a responsibility to help our children carry a positive body image. 

Maybe the confidence required to wear a bikini to the beach is cause for celebration. Viviana’s strong. She is empowered. She feels comfortable in her own skin (although too much skin for my liking). Look at my young girl go!

Sigh.

Reacting to her itsy bitsy teenie weenie bikini

Or maybe I can take the opportunity to provide Viviana with a guy’s perspective of her minimal-ish swimsuit. This approach is complicated.

First, I should not be cringy. I would if I commended her confidence and told her she is beautiful. Next, though, I would try to explain that boys will certainly be checking her out – potentially oversexualizing her appearance as their hormones rage. Further, I would assure her that despite these young men fighting pubescent immaturity, there is no excuse for being objectified or disrespected for what she is wearing.

Rest assured, I will worry about her all the while kicking around the thought that I should have just told her no.    

But, when Viviana asks me to tie her bikini top, I will smile and help while internally puckering. I will want to react but will fight the urge to impose my prejudiced machismo on her influential body image and self-esteem. Viviana will walk off with half a butt cheek showing and I will shake my head and stay silent. I want to yell, “Get back in the house and cover up!”

And, just when I wallow in the thought that my little girl is no longer, Emersyn’s ruffled butt dives into the water and splashes me back to this moment. 

I throw the penny near her. As Emersyn returns to the surface with her arms in the air triumphantly and a gooey string of snot dripping from her 8-year-old nose, she exclaims, “Daddy, found the penny again!” 

Raising daughters for dads is great and hard. Emersyn is a joy. So is her sister. Even when our girl’s swimsuit butt ruffles give way to virtually nothing at all.

Photo: © Monkey Business /Adobe Stock.

“You’re OK,” utter many parents instinctively when a young child falls or bumps his or her knee. Typically, the child is unsure at first whether an actual injury has occurred. But the parent’s assumption that all is fine, combined with a lack of evidence (like blood), magically keeps the child from distress. Instead of crying or fretting, the child often follows the parent’s cue and moves on.

Now picture a child seemingly misbehaving. The typical parent’s first utterance is not “You’re OK!” Rather, it tends to be a way of conveying “you are not OK” morally — e.g., “Bad boy (or girl)! There goes my (insert unhealthy label) child!”

This is where it’s helpful to consider one of the best parenting mantras I’ve ever read.

When a child appears to misbehave, “attribute to the child the best possible motive consistent with the facts.” This quote comes from Alfie Kohn’s 2006 book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. (Kohn notes he learned the mantra from feminist and philosopher Nel Noddings.

Create auspicious cycles, not vicious ones

In those first moments of a child’s apparent misbehavior, Kohn say parents should refrain from catastrophizing, labeling or overreacting. For at first, “we usually don’t know for sure why a child acted the way he did.” Reasons beyond just “badness” may be at play. These could include immaturity, a lack of skill or an innocent desire to explore.

Another reason to attribute the best possible motive: parents’ beliefs about the child can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. As Kohn writes, “Children construct a theory about their own motives based in part on our assumptions about their motives, and then they act accordingly: ‘You think I’m just plain bad and need to be controlled all the time? Fine. Watch me act as though you’re right.’”

Rather than the vicious cycle of bad behavior that labels can foster, Kohn says assuming your child’s best motives from a young age can develop an “auspicious cycle” of moral development. He adds: “We can help kids to develop good values by treating them as though they were already motivated by those values. They thereby come to believe what’s best about themselves and live up to our trust in them.”

Because I’m a former English professor, Kohn’s parenting mantra reminded me of a similar formulation from the world of poetry.

‘First thought, best self’ parenting

The Beat Generation’s Allen Ginsberg believed in the poetic phrase “first thought, best thought.” For Ginsberg, the first thought humans have about a subject is usually the most truthful, authentic perception. His poetic philosophy championed spontaneous, uncensored lines as a way to describe reality most purely.

Granted, parenting is much different than writing poetry. And many parents’ first thoughts probably should be censored for the sake of our children. But a related, more fruitful revision of Ginsberg’s formulation for parents might be “first thought, best self.”

“First thought, best self” parenting would practice what Kohn preaches about always assuming a child’s best motives. It would also foster the growth of a child’s “best self” by fueling the “auspicious” cycle of self-esteem. In the process, we would be parenting with our “best selves” as well.

Of course, “first thought, best self” parenting is easier said than done. It is very challenging to slow our instincts, revise our assumptions and shift a mindset. But what if the facts do not end up being consistent with a child’s healthy motives? Then the misbehavior must be addressed.

But that initial moment of a parent’s reaction to children’s behavior is very important to their future morality and self-esteem. Just as we reassured children they were physically “OK” when they were little, as they grow we should also reassure them they are morally “OK.”

A final benefit of assuming a child’s best motives when they seemingly misbehave: as they grow older, they learn to attribute the same good motives to the people in their lives. For example, when their friends or even parents do things they don’t like, agree with or understand, they learn to consider possible reasons for such behavior rather than assume the worst before more facts are known. Our modeling can nudge children toward fairmindedness that fuel even more auspicious cycles. Ideally, we can help children learn to make their first thought with their best self.

Photo: © Miljan Živković /Adobe Stock.