I recently saw an iconic sign of summer’s approach: a parent teaching a child how to ride a bike. For parents, like me, who taught their children how to ride long ago, such an image triggers torrents of nostalgia.

I remember exactly where we were when my oldest daughter, Lauren, and I performed the rite of passage. In my version of trying to bubble-wrap my first kid, I insisted she learn on a paved path with grass on both sides (to absorb any falls) in a local park. As I jogged alongside her bike with the training wheels removed, I held the back of her seat to keep her steady. While she implored me “don’t let go,” of course I was letting go intermittently until she finally mastered her balance and conquered gravity. And there it was: the joy and pride of independent riding with no guiding hand necessary.

A few years ago, Lauren and I revisited her early bike-riding days via a surprising format: our “home movies.” I was in the process of converting old video files to DVDs for posterity, which I highly recommend to fellow parents to avoid digital oblivion of precious family history. When a video appeared of young, wobbly Lauren zigzagging down a sidewalk on her bike, we both laughed at the memory.

“Dad, that must have been hard for you to watch back then,” Lauren said.

“It was,” I said, acknowledging that while I was proud to record her first bike ride at that time, I also feared a wicked wipeout and had to fight the urge to intervene. (After all, back when the modern bicycle was invented and developed in the 1800s, it was known as the “boneshaker” due to its bumpy, dangerous rides.)

Another reason I laughed was that teen Lauren could finally perceive the amount of patience and non-intervention parenting requires. While it may be physically possible for a hurried, well-intentioned parent to tie a shoe or clean a room for a child, it is not physically possible for a parent to learn how to ride a bike for his or her child. That can only be achieved by the child.

You never forget your child’s first bike ride

In hindsight, the necessity of non-intervention by parents as children learn to ride a bike may be the reason for its iconic staying power. A parent’s hand letting go of the back of the child’s bicycle seat is symbolic of so many weanings that take place throughout a child’s upbringing. A child’s first independent bike ride is also one of those moving-away-from-parents milestones that begin with crawling across your floor and end with driving away from your home. In each case, both parents and children have to let go of their fears and have faith in the universe.

The image of a hand letting go of a seat can be bittersweet, but if parents do their job well, their children will always feel the “invisible hand” of their parents ready to steady them whenever needed. If children’s lives get wobbly, out-of-balance or “boneshaking,” they will know they can still ask for an invisible hand from their aging parents. Ideally, such a stabilizing hand becomes unnecessary in adulthood, but it’s certainly comforting for aging children to know that it is always at the ready.

Broadly speaking, it’s good we teach kids a few basics of safety. Not every parent is equipped to responsibly handle potentially dangerous situations. So we create very general guidelines that apply to most. That’s cool.

And kids should be learning about things like unwanted touches from others. Though there was a discussion at the preschool drop-off about getting everybody onboard with using the same body part names as used in the school lessons. But we all handle these things a little differently.

However, when the school sent home the “Never-Never Rules” that they’ll be studying soon I cringed a bit. Here they are:

• Never ride on wheels without wearing a helmet.
• Never cross the street without checking all ways for traffic.
• Never play with fire.
• Never touch a dog without asking the person in charge.
• Never use a sharp tool without an older person’s help.
• Never touch guns.
• Never ride in a car without wearing a seat belt.
• Never go in water without an older person watching.

As I cycling advocate, I object to the first item on this list of rules being “wear a helmet.” Really?! You’re going to put something as innocent and mundane as bicycle riding on the same list as “never touch guns?” OK. Fine. As a person hoping to eventually improve our bike culture to the point where we no longer need helmets (a la the Dutch), I get the need to balance the immediate risks with sending a larger advocacy message that biking should be fun and so safe that no helmet is necessary.

I could make the same argument for a number of items on this list though. Parents teaching their kids to use tools responsibly. Outdoor education that involves learning to properly start and put out a campfire. The exceptions are obvious. Yes, there are even some folks out there teaching their young kids to responsibly handle a gun.

For most families, we’d probably rather have the Never-Never Rules drilled into our children’s heads and give them with the freedom to “unlearn” them than allow unsuspecting kids to stumble into injury or death. But I can’t help but look at the Never-Never List and wonder when childhood got so … milquetoast.

Would I let my kids ride in a car without a seat belt? No. I won’t even let my kids cross the street by themselves because we live in an urban area. However, I’m not sure that riding around on the sidewalk in front of our house on a scooter belongs on a list of otherwise potentially deadly actions.

A version of this first appeared on Newfangled Dad. Photo by Whit Honea.

My daughter learned to ride her bike when she was 5 – on her birthday — and then decided to retire from bike riding. Now, almost two years later, she has decided to take up cycling again.

Step 1: Have a bike. 

Despite the misconception that many people have, you can’t just pick any old bike. Size matters. You need to make sure that the bike is the right size for your child.

Step 2: Show your kid the brakes.

It’s a great feeling to ride fast and have the wind rip through your scalp hair. It’s not such a great feeling when you realize that you can’t stop without smashing it into an immovable object. Blunt force trauma is not a good option for stopping. This is a physics lesson that your child should learn in a classroom not physically.

Step 3: Wear a helmet!

It is non-negotiable in our home. Again, size matters – make sure the helmet fits the head securely. If it slides, it won’t protect. If you are paranoid, like I am, then go ahead and purchase some elbow and knee pads as well, but the helmet is paramount.

And, this may seem confusing, but I am only advocating the use of a helmet by the child not the adult. For dads, uncles or other male teachers, I suggest the use of a cup, pads and gloves, but that’s not what this tutorial is about. Before the bike moves, there should be a helmet on that child’s head. This is the bicycle equivalent of a seat belt.

Step 4: Let her fall.

This is an important step. In professional wrestling, and stunt school, one of the first lessons that they teach you is how to fall. This is to minimize injury. In the case of the child, not only is it meant to reduce the risk of injury, but it also provides an opportunity for the child to see that they will survive a fall. Now, I’m not talking about letting them fall while traveling at a high speed, but at some point you have to let go of the bike so they can learn to balance. As they learn the lesson of balance, sometimes gravity wins, and that is OK. Be prepared with bandages and Popsicles. Learning to fall properly is an important lesson.

Step 5: Cheer.

Whether your kid pedals on the first attempt, or falls with each try: cheer. This is an important life lesson for them. Not only are they learning to ride a bike, they are learning to figuratively picked themselves up when they fail. They aren’t going to be perfect in cycling or life. Reinforce that failure is okay – it’s how we learn. Keep in mind that this type of failure could potentially be painful, however.

Step 6: Remind her to watch the road.

There are all sorts of obstacles – rocks, cars, sticks, little brothers, etc. Make sure your rider knows to keep her head up and to watch where she is going. When she pedals successfully for the first time she will want to turn and smile and shout at you. Tell her to go ahead and smile and shout, but keep her eyes on the road. Where the head goes the bike goes.

Step 7: Give her space.

Like it or not, your child has just accomplished something. An ability to transport herself without your assistance. Let her enjoy it. Remind her of the dangers, but not to scare her, and also remind her of the fun. Then take a minute, step back, and watch that ear to ear smile as she rides. Also realize that this is one step closer to driving a car. We will get to those lessons later though – much later.

A version of this first appeared on Tales From the Poop Deck.

One of my favorite NYC events and experiences every year is the TD Bank Five Boro Bike Tour. This is an invigorating ride filled with amazing scenery – zipping on the loop in Central Park, heading south along the East River on the FDR, cruising on the Gowanus Expressway, and navigating the monstrous Verrazano Narrows Bridge into a Fort in Staten Island … all car-free!

This 42-mile ride is obviously a big draw – about 30,000 cyclists participate. But, it is not a race and that is what makes it such a great experience.

You get to ride at your own pace & take it all in! I have participated in this event for the past several years & suggest you explore this opportunity as well. Registration opened February 1st. If it sounds interesting to you, sign up now, because this Bike Tour always sells out well before the May 2nd event date. Tickets are $60. Check out the site for all details including a map of the course. Do you bike? It would be cool to ride among a group of NYC Dads …

One of my favorite NYC events and experiences every year is the TD Bank Five Boro Bike Tour. This is an invigorating ride filled with amazing scenery – zipping on the loop in Central Park, heading south along the East River on the FDR, cruising on the Gowanus Expressway, and navigating the monstrous Verrazano Narrows Bridge into a Fort in Staten Island … all car-free!

This 42-mile ride is obviously a big draw – about 30,000 cyclists participate. But, it is not a race and that is what makes it such a great experience.

You get to ride at your own pace & take it all in! I have participated in this event for the past several years & suggest you explore this opportunity as well. Registration opened February 1st. If it sounds interesting to you, sign up now, because this Bike Tour always sells out well before the May 2nd event date. Tickets are $60. Check out the site for all details including a map of the course. Do you bike? It would be cool to ride among a group of NYC Dads …