If “Born in the USA” has taught us anything, it’s that people will cheerfully blare any song with a catchy beat regardless of the incongruously depressing lyrics. These days every store you walk into is legally required to play Andy Williams’ “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” at least once an hour. Tucked into that ditty about holiday cheer is this little chestnut:

There’ll be scary ghost stories
and tales of the glories
Of Christmases long, long ago

Wait – what?

Scary ghost stories? Scary Christmas ghost stories!?

On the surface, it seems like a lyric a few months past its Halloween expiration date. But scratch the tinseled surface and Christmas has some weird undertones.

What’s so jolly about a young, panicked woman giving birth in a filthy stable in the dead of night? Or an immortal being who breaks into houses and whose omnipresent gaze is fixed on your every move? Watching. Judging.

Life’s ghosts don’t take a Christmas vacation, and hardships don’t plan around your holiday calendar. So as I sat with my mother in hospice, two days before Christmas a few years back, it was hard not to notice the almost purgatorial nature of her room. At the nurse’s station outside, people flitted by – chatting next to holiday décor. In her room, it was dark and still. There was no longer the need for the expensive machines she had been hooked to for the past 10 months. No beeping or dinging. Just her shallow breath and closed eyes.

Ours had always been a difficult relationship. She was what some would describe as a “formidable woman.” Her superpower was bending reality to justify her actions. On the rare occasion where she owned up to being in the wrong, she would happily tell you why it was really someone else’s fault. Likely yours.

Becoming a father put into relief how differently we were wired. My journey into parenthood has taught me the value of self-reflection – examining why I am where I am, what I’m feeling, and what lessons I have learned. And how am I going to impart that to the two malleable humans who are always learning from me, whether I want them to or not? It’s a rich and rewarding road, but the tradeoff is it doesn’t end until you do. There’s no finish line. And you never get to fold your arms and say, “So there. Checkmate.” Reflection versus justification. My mother and I simply had different approaches to life.

But, oh, how she was loyal. I knew she would pitch a tent and just live in that room if the tables were turned. If half of life is showing up, she showed up – even if you didn’t realize you needed someone there. That’s also how she was wired. I admired that. I wanted to be that kind of person. And she brought me into this world. She deserved someone to stand sentry as her body prepared to leave it. The someone should be me.

Hours later, my thoughts turned to another family. The one I chose to build with the woman I love. A year of managing my mother’s illness had taken me away from them so often – missing moments big and small. They deserved my showing up as well, especially at Christmas. In the dark, I gathered my things and stood over her and said the last words I hoped she would hear. “I love you. … Goodbye.” And I left

The next morning my phone rang. It was the hospice. At 7:30 a.m. On Christmas Eve. They weren’t calling to discuss paperwork.

Christmas Day, my wife and I had to sit down our 6-year-old and tell her grandma died. She had known pets who had passed on, and over the year I kept her up to date as best I could on what was going on with her grandmother, even though she might not make it. All this she handled with surprising grace. But the end hit her hard. Amid the debris of wrapping paper and toys, I held my crying daughter and told her all the things I had researched to say. I spoke honestly about how special their relationship was. We would make a memory book of all the fun times they shared. I also could see her telling a future therapist, “I think it all started when I was 6 and my dad interrupted Christmas to tell me THAT MY FRIGGIN’ GRANDMOTHER WAS DEAD.”

I’ll give my mother this much, she had a flair for the dramatic. Every Christmas Eve from now on I’ll be haunted by her ghost, like Jacob Marley visiting Scrooge. As for my daughter, well, we’ve all changed in this last year. Kids are strong and resilient all right, but you can’t just say that with a shrug and go get a snack. There’ll be checking in, talking, listening, observing. As I said, no finish line.

If you want Christmas “tales of the glories,” you’ll have to take the Christmas “ghost stories.” That’s what relationships leave you with – even at this time of year. Especially at this time of year. Whenever we can celebrate the holidays with people and music again, you’re likely to be visited by a ghost or two as everyone is swaying to a favorite seasonal tune – be it traditional or hip. And if someone is wondering why you aren’t moved like they are, just give them this sage response: “Well, because, I’m listening to the words.”

Christmas ghost stories of photo by © RK1919 / Adobe Stock.

Remember when you were a kid and every year on Thanksgiving your family would …

And on every July 4th you would …

Can you fill in the blanks?

I’m sure if you can’t for those holidays, there are others where you had a standing family tradition. You looked forward to it, and the holiday was not complete without it. Then you went through a stage in your teens where you rolled your eyes at this tradition.

As you look back on your childhood, it’s those traditions you remember. It’s those traditions that make you smile and form the picture in your mind when the holiday comes up. It’s those traditions you talk about with anyone who will listen.

There’s no secret formula to forming those traditions – at least none I’m aware of. Sure, repetition seems like a needed ingredient. Sprinkle in some loved ones and fun. And well, I think you have a tradition.

I believe our Thanksgiving tradition will remain memorable for my children. My wife has made dinner for her family ever since her father’s last Thanksgiving, and he passed away nearly 30 years ago. It’s the one holiday that we know where we’ll be and who we will be spending it with.

The family has another Thanksgiving tradition: naming the turkey. That’s right: while eating the bird, everyone is given a slip of paper and a pen. They write a name on the paper, fold it up, and drop it into a hat (when someone has not been able to make Thanksgiving dinner, they’ve texted). The names are read aloud, and a winner is selected based on crowd reaction. Last year’s winner was Num Num, named by our great niece (those were her only words at the time).

My wife spends Thanksgiving morning cooking and watching March of the Wooden Soldiers, and the boys and I go to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. This will be my oldest son’s seventh year of attendance and his brother’s third. We’ll point out our favorite floats, complain about the cold, and wish we were taller to get a better view.

But they love being in New York City.

They love taking the bus and train.

They love the snacks.

One day, my boys will be getting ready for Thanksgiving. Maybe they’ll be getting together for the holiday, like their mom and her sister. Maybe they’ll just be calling each other sometime during the day and sharing memories of naming the turkey, or trip to New York City. Either way, I’m happy and proud that we gave them this Thanksgiving tradition.

A version of this first appeared on Me, Myself and Kids. Photo: mgstanton via Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND

I love to travel with my kids. But while relaxing moments can happen on a trip with young children, the overall experience is often far more taxing. Here are some of my top family travel tips on surviving and thriving during your next adventure with the littles:

Be early

Everything takes longer with kids in tow. Some little hiccup always seems to occur, be it extra fuss about a toy, an emergency visit to the restroom or something else. I’m a bit of a punctuality nut, but just two weeks ago our family nearly missed our flight to Disney World. We ended up being the last people seated on the plane — first for me. So remember, with kids, always leave and arrive earlier than you think you need to.

Bring distractions

Of my family travel tips, this one is essential on longer journeys. Pack the tablets and headphones, obviously. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with giving kids iPads or the like on a multi-hour plane ride no matter what some say. Looking out the window gets a bit dull even for me, and I love to fly. Also, if your trip includes long waits in lines, like during our family’s recent trip to Disney World, tablets can be a plus. But don’t rely on just those. Mid-trip for us, one tablet broke (full-screen smash). Our 5-year-old daughter needed something else, and even our 8-year-old son wanted something other than his tablet. Break out the coloring books (Crayola Color Wonder are particularly helpful), the fidget spinners and other similar toys you can keep in your pocket. And don’t forget those easily portable snacks. You will need them all!

Pack light, but pack smart

You don’t need to bring everything to enjoy a trip with kids. Yet, some of the most important items are often overlooked. A reporter at Consumer Reports recently asked me for the most indispensable item for a diaper bag that no one remembers — my response, without hesitation, was toenail clippers. They’re compact, easily pass through airport security, and come in handy for the many times we suddenly need to cut something be it a travel packet of Tylenol or the packaging for a toy the kids are begging to play with right now. Yeah, pack smart.

Patience, patience, patience

It’s so easy to get swept up in the sights, sounds and new experiences on a family trip that you might not realize your kids are struggling a bit. When we traveled to Ireland last summer, we drove a lot from place to place, and moved almost as much from hotel to hotel. We didn’t build in enough downtime, and — boy — did the kids let us know. When you’re on the road, there are different stimuli, different foods, different beds and more. Everyone’s going to have their rough moments. Being patient is critical.

Don’t forget yourself

This might seem opposed to the last one, but it’s not. Parents traveling with kids need to remember that these trips are for moms and dads too. Some trips have built-in breaks, maybe a childcare center on a cruise ship or a family member traveling with you who can give you a break. Even if you don’t, find time for yourself. If there’s something you want to do, don’t sacrifice it because the kids are being grumpy. This can be a juggling act, but remember you’re the one paying for this trip, so the kids shouldn’t have all the fun.

Laugh at the crises

This final one of my family travel tips is the hardest to follow, but it honestly helps a lot. Some bad stuff, more than likely, is going to happen. On our Disney trip, we brought along our au pair. This was only her second-time ever on a plane. We all had only carry-ons with us, and put them in the overhead bins. When we arrived at the Orlando airport, someone got off the plane with her bag. Crisis! We reported the bag and talked to the airline, but in the end, we finally just left. What could we do? My wife and I felt awful, but also assured our au pair she’d have lots of extra shopping time to replenish the clothes she’d lost. Then, lo and behold, the airline called and the bag was returned! It’s not always that simple, but if a crisis happens, try to step back a bit and shrug. It sucks, but you’re still on vacation. And vacations are adventures, after all.

What family travel tips do you have?

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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.

Family travel tips photo by Hanson Lu on Unsplash.

Families will find a Halloween Paradise in Hershey, Pa.! Our family recently went to Hersheypark Halloween for a spooky-filled weekend at “Dark Nights” and it was a spook-tacular experience that exceeded all expectations!

#DarkNights features five haunted houses, three frightening scare zones, rollercoasters in the dark, loads of festive treats, and priceless family fun!

Hersheypark kept all the amazing things you loved about their Dark Nights experiences from last year. And added much more!

Admission tickets to Hersheypark Halloween now include all the Dark Nights haunted houses. This is fantastic that you only pay one price and get all the Dark Nights attractions included!

The scare zones have increased in scale, jaw-dropping immersive features, and have added loads more scare actors. Plus, the pyrotechnic features are a marvel.

The awesome Chocolatier Restaurant Bar + Patio transformed its patio into “Spirits Rooftop” Bar with its own unique, spooktacular menu. We stopped in for a meal and deemed their food to be the best on the property. Can you say Chocolate Martini?

Stay at one of the official resorts of Hersheypark to make the most of your haunted holiday. We stayed at Hershey Lodge and it was as amazing as ever. It allowed our family to make a weekend trip out of our visit from New York City. It also added lots of VIP benefits. These include front gate shuttle service to the park, character meet and greets, and Hershey Chocolate bars for the family at check in. Staying so close to Hersheypark means a short commute to our comfortable beds after staying out late in the thrill park.

A new haunted house, Estate of Evil, is insanity! It features so many rooms (unlucky 13 of them), jump scares, and frightening creativity infused at every turn. We had to go four times during our weekend visit!

Treatville’s Trick-or-Treat Trail is still a star attraction distributing your favorite treats and open until 8:30pm each night. Adults don’t get candy, but you can still “steal” a few favorites from your kids like I did!

NEW THIS YEAR: “Avenue of the Afterlife” scare-free path in the water park featuring a DJ dance party, Dark Nights Character Meet & Greets and street performers. This is the perfect opportunity to meet up-close-and-personal with your favorite Decayed Brigade sliders and snap some selfies.

Experiencing “dark ride” rollercoasters at Hersheypark Halloween when it’s after dark and the lights are turned off was out of this world. It’s a game changer for all coaster fans. Additionally, the light packages on display at some of the rides like Lightening Racer and the Ferris Wheel were truly mesmerizing. If you think Wildcat’s Revenge Rollercoaster was spectacular and thrilling before … try it as a dark ride after the sun goes down! Plus, Laff Trakk is in the pitch-black all day long!

NEW THIS YEAR: ENTERTAINMENT! Performances featuring all of your favorite Hershey characters dressed in Halloween costumes happen at the Music Box Theater several times each day. The infamous Decayed Brigade sliders have their own highlight show with nightly performances. Additionally, there’s an all new “Battle for Spring Creek” Pyrotechnics Show happening by the bridge in Darkstone’s Hollow each night.

Hersheypark Halloween and Dark Nights happen on weekends from now through Nov. 3, starting at 6 p.m. The closing hour varies by day.

We loved our adventure to Hersheypark for their autumn-themed Halloween festivities as much as we love visiting during the summer. The majority of our favorite rides were open with the added thrill of the Dark Nights attractions, making it a holiday wonderland for our family. What are you waiting for? Plan your family visit to the Sweetest Place on Earth for their Halloween festivities now! There’s only a few more weekends left.

Disclosure: Lance Somerfeld is a member of Hersheypark’s Sweet Insiders Program. The program includes complimentary park passes and one-night hotel accommodations provided by the kind folks at Hershey’s Entertainment & Resorts. His thoughts and opinions are genuine and have not been influenced by the brand. All photos were provided by his family. Photos: Somerfeld family.

Dads can celebrate and appreciate each others’ parenting work on the night of June 15, 2024 — Fathers Eve.

The annual event, now in its 13th year, is meant to allow dads to have a chance to show gratitude and support for one another. This differs from Father’s Day as that holiday is for families to honor dads.

Since 2012, groups of fathers have gathered formally or informally in public or private spaces to swap parenting stories, offer support to each other and help foster a positive fathering environment. John Francis, a co-organizer of our Twin Cities Dads Group in Minnesota, began the tradition by inviting several dad friends to his house for beers, billiards and swapping stories about fatherhood. Fathers Eve is now recognized as an official “national day” by the National Day Archives.

Over the years, scores of celebrations have been held annually in backyards and businesses across the United States and a few international locations. The organization has also helped raise thousands of dollars for parenting and children’s organizations.

Where to celebrate Fathers Eve 2024

Several City Dads chapters will be among those hosting Fathers Eve 2024 events (click city to find event listing and RSVP) :

• Charlotte, N.C.
• Chicago
• Cincinnati
• Columbus, Ohio
• Denver
• Fresno, Calif.
• Los Angeles
• Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minn. – Twin Cities
• New York City – Port Washington
• Phoenix

(DISCLOSURE: City Dads Group has been a longtime sponsor for Fathers Eve, donating money and helping organize events through our chapters. Fathering Together is also a sponsor.)

A complete listing of Fathers Eve 2024 events can be found on its website.

Virtual celebration available online

If you can’t attend a Fathers Eve 2024 event in person, don’t despair. A virtual online live-streaming of celebrations will again be held this year. A live stream replaced in-person events in 2020 because of the COVID-19 pandemic, and has supplemented organized celebrations since.

The online event starts at 7 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time on June 15. The countdowns to the annual celebratory toast start shortly before the start of 8 p.m. local time in each U.S. time zone. You can sign up for the live stream to share at your event or watch individually.

Lynden’s dad always told him he was special in a very unique way.  

Each February, in fact, his dad would always remind him, “You’re my Lynden ‘Leapling’ — my special little boy born on Leap Day.”

Lynden knew that his real birthday, February 29, was unusual. But, why?      

As a little kid, he never thought to ask what he meant. But, now turning 10 years old, Lynden decided it was time to figure out why being born on “Leap Day” was a big deal. 

So many unanswered questions swirled in Lynden’s head:

Why did his actual birth date only come around once every four years?

Why did his family act like he was born on February 28 for the last three years? 

Determined to do some “Leap Year” learning of his own, Lynden asked his dad everything he’d been wondering. In his typical funny-yet-informative way, his dad stepped him through the ins and outs of this extra special day of the year.

“Well, son, Leap Day – your birthday, February 29 – is, indeed, special. This date only comes around once every four years. That doesn’t mean that we only celebrate your birthday every fourth year, though. Imagine having only two parties after 10 years. That wouldn’t be fair!” 

Lynden and his dad laughed, “Yep, Leap Day seems weird and obscure, but it happens for a very scientific reason. How many days are in a year, Lynden?” 

“Duh, Dad – 365 days! How do you NOT know that?” Lynden snickered at his father’s ignorance. 

“Nope. There are actually 365.25 days in a year. There is an extra one-fourth of a day each year,” Dad smirked back. 

“Really?”  Lynden was dumbfounded. 

“Yep, the fourth one-fourth day is Leap Day – an entire day created by fractions of days from the three years before. In 2024, and every four years for the rest of your life, there will be 366 days during each Leap Year.”

Lynden was not fully satisfied, “But, Dad, why does it matter? So, there are 365.25 days each year. Why can’t we just have the extra fourth of a day added at the end of each year?”

“Great question,” Dad perked up, ready to dive deeper into his reservoir of generally useless information. “It doesn’t really matter – until it does. If you add days to every year, after lots and lots of years, the calendar gets out of sync with the seasons. After 100 years of doing this, the months and seasons would be about a month off.  After 200 years, when I’m really old, February’s snow could be falling in June, and we’d enjoy the fall foliage during Christmas time. Sledding in August – that just isn’t right!”

Lynden finally understood. Well, except for one thing. 

“Dad, why do you call me your ‘Leapling’?” 

“That’s what a person born on February 29^th is called. You belong to an exclusive club.  You’re one of about five million people alive today.”

Finally, Lynden got it. 

He knows what Leap Day is.

He knows why Leap Year exists.

Indeed, Lynden felt special.    

Armed with all this new Leap Year information, Lynden couldn’t wait to get to school and tell his buddies all about being a ‘Leapling’. 

He was sure his friends would be impressed. 

To them, Lynden would be the smartest person in the world. 

Just like his dad was to him. 

Resolutions. I love them. Love to make them, write them down, and commit to them loudly with bravado at New Year’s Eve parties (“I’m SO gonna do Tough Mudder this year! AND go gluten-free. WHO’S WITH ME?!!”) even while knowing all that big talk will likely evaporate by February. I just like this time of year when we all attempt to take a few steps toward becoming better humans, at least for a little while.

For me, resolutions fall into two categories:

• Outward Accomplishments — get more writing done, make more money, be the first bald man ever to grow a new head of hair by determination and straining alone
• Inward Improvements — be nicer, be less judgmental, be a tiny bit less hypocritical by not yelling at other drivers just before cutting someone else off myself

To have some nice father-daughter bonding time recently, I sat down with my 14-year-old daughter to talk about making our New Year’s resolutions, particularly in the category of Inward Improvements.

Spoiler Alert: she doesn’t have any.

That is, she doesn’t have any resolutions for herself. Turns out, however, she had several resolutions for me.

Like, a list.

That she’d already written down.

For me.

Ways that I, her father, can improve.

It was a super-productive discussion.

These are the resolutions my daughter told me I should embrace, straight from the 14-year-old’s mouth:

1. No more knocking on my door and asking if I want to, like, hang out all the time. If I want to hang out, I’ll come find you.

Me: But you never want to hang out.

Her: That’s not true. We hung out for an hour yesterday.

Me: That was Christmas. You hung out with me because I was giving you presents.

Her: Well, let’s do more of that kind of hanging out then.

2. You know that thing where you try to use cool slang in front of my friends? Stop doing that. No one actually says “OMG” out loud. It’s not a thing.

Me: Are you sure? Because kids on TV say it all the time.

Her: No! Bad dad.

3. Stop repeating yourself all the time. For example, you don’t need to tell me to wash the dishes FIVE TIMES after every night.

Me:  But you never respond after the first four times. If you did, I would stop —

Her: You don’t give me a chance! Sometimes it just takes me a while to, you know, process what you’re saying.

4. Stop talking about Star Wars, like, all the time.

Me: No.

5. Ease up on my grades. Sometimes a B+ is just fine.

Me: But what if it’s in a class where I know you can get an A?

Her: If I could get an A in a class, I’d already have one. A B+ is still above average, you know.

Me: I’d like to think we can set our goals higher than –

Her: BAD DAD!

6. Stop trying to make me do boring grown-up things all the time.

Me: You mean like laundry?

Her: Very funny.

7. Stop worrying so much about whether I have enough feminine hygiene products in the bathroom.

Me: I just don’t want you to run out of … girl stuff

Her: Dad, you buy “girl stuff” every time you go to the store. I’ll literally never run out for the next 20 years.

Me: Parental responsibility. Listen, someday when you’re an adult you’re going to run out of … stuff, and you’ll look back on what a responsible father I was. And how awkward it was to buy the … stuff.

8. Stop worrying about my screen time. I’m not looking at anything gross online. I’m basically just talking with my friends or drawing on my iPad.

Me: OK. Just promise me you won’t give out any personal information to some stranger claiming to be a 14-year-old named Katy. It might be a 65-year-old guy named Cleetus living in a trailer somewhere.

Her: Dad, I’m not stupid.

Me: Not the point.

9. Stop worrying so much about me in general. I’m totally fine.

Me: Sorry, kid. I’ll never be able to keep that one. Oh, and you should probably know that I’ve made my own set of resolutions that are the exact opposite of everything you just said.

This was originally published in 2016 and later updated. Photo credit: Resolutions and goals via photopin (license)

My wife worships Christmas.

Once the Thanksgiving dishes are done, it’s all Yule, all the time for her. Nothing but Christmas music in the car, Christmas movies on the television, and Christmas shopping on the weekends.

And she was like this BEFORE we had a kid. Now that he’s here, and he’s alive enough to begin to understand Santa and presents and cookies and the tree and all that, not only has my wife’s Christmas-loving resolve strengthened, but I no longer have a Scroogey cane to stand on.

Especially on Christmas Eve when there’s work to do!

This past Christmas the kid had a sense of what was happening, in that he enjoyed tearing the brightly colored wrapping paper off things that were handed to him. This year, he understands toys and seems to get the concept of presents. So it’s game on for the Wife!

Now that our kid is in the know, my wife’s Christmas obsession is in the stratosphere. She wants nothing more than to give our son a good Christmas, which means making sure all the TV he watches is Christmas-themed, all the songs he sings – and he does sing – are Christmas songs, and that he is indoctrinated into the (fraudulent) magic of Santa Claus.

He has been told who Santa is, can identify him in a lineup, and seems genuinely excited about him delivering presents overnight. So yeah, the kid is into the whole Santa Claus thing, so long as that “thing” doesn’t involve going anywhere near an actual person dressed as Santa Claus.

Of course, to complete the illusion, most of the gifts my son will be getting have been signed “From Santa” and, most importantly, none of them are under the tree before he goes to bed on Christmas Eve.

This means after he goes to sleep that night, a half-in-the-bag Daddy is forced to lug everything down from various hiding places throughout the house and down the stairs so that they will magically appear under the tree by the time he wakes up.

I am OK with it. Christmas magic hasn’t happened here in a while and the whole holiday had gotten pretty stale around here, but now that there’s a kid around, the holidays are re-energized, and that’s nice.

Provided I don’t break my neck carrying a huge wooden train set down the stairs.

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.

There are at least two tried-and-true New Year’s dad jokes in every father’s repertoire.

1. Just before the clock strikes midnight, he will swear not to make any more dad jokes for the rest of the year.
2. Shortly after midnight, he’ll yawn and say he’s so tired because he hasn’t slept since last year.

Some might even have a third. At breakfast on New Year’s Day, a clever father will claim he’s starving because — yep — he hasn’t eaten since last year.

To expand your inventory of New Year’s dad jokes, we have searched high and low (OK … mostly low) to find the best, funniest, silliest dad jokes to welcome in another 12 months with laughter. When you’ve exhausted this supply (as well as the patience of your audience), check out our winter dad jokes or, if you’re feeling romantic, move on to our Valentine’s Day laughers.

Best (and worst) New Year’s dad jokes, riddles and puns

Q. What’s the one type of pain that’s enjoyable on New Year’s?
A. Champagne.

Q. What did the woman say when she was offered a raisin on New Year’s Eve?
A. “No thanks, I already have a date.”

Q. Why is New Year’s Eve the least favorite holiday of a slice of bread?
A. It has to make a toast.

Q. Why should you always go easy on your drinking on New Year’s Eve?
A. Because you don’t want to make too many pour decisions.

Q. What did one IPA say to the other IPA after the clock struck midnight on January 1?
A. “Hoppy New Year!”

Q. Why did the dad start making breakfast at 11:59 p.m. on December 31?
A. Because he wanted to make a New Year’s toast!

Q. Where did the chef celebrate New Year’s Eve?
A. Thyme’s Square.

Q. What happened to the dad who stole a calendar on New Year’s Eve?
A. He got 12 months.

Q. What does a ghost say on January 1st?
A. Happy Boo Year!

Q. What is corn’s favorite holiday?
A. New Ear’s Day.

Q. What’s a cow’s favorite holiday?
A. Moo Year’s Day!

Q. What’s the one group that hates New Year’s Day?
A. The Times Square clean-up crew.

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A guy who had too much to drink decided to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A policeman stopped him and asked where he was going.

“I’m on my way to a lecture,” said the man.

“Who gives a lecture on New Year’s Eve?” asked the cop.

The guy answered: “My wife.”

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Q. What do you call a fear of New Year’s songs?
A. Ole Langxiety.

Q. Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow on New Year’s Eve?
A. Because he wanted to start the new year with sweet dreams.

Q. Where do butchers go to party on New Year’s Eve?
A. To a meat ball!

Q. Who finds New Year’s Eve most stressful?
A. People diagnosed with “Ole Langxiety.”

Q. Who gets the most excited about the countdown on New Year’s Eve?
A. Calendar companies.

Q. Why is partying in Times Square on New Year’s Eve overrated?
A. Because every year they drop the ball.

Q. What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
A. You spill too much champagne.

New Year resolution jokes

Dad: Son, are you going to resolve to quit all your bad habits in the new year?
Son: Of course not, Dad! You always told me that nobody likes a quitter.

Q. What is the snowman’s New Year’s resolution?
A. To chill out more

Q. What was the priest’s New Year’s resolution?
A. To exorcise more.

Mom: Wow, did the old year go by in a blur!
Dad: Your resolution must’ve been too low.

Q. What New Year’s resolution should a basketball player never make?
A. To travel more.

Dad: My New Year’s resolution was to eat only 1,000 calories a day.
Mom: How have you been doing?
Dad: Great! So far, I’ve surpassed my goal every day!

Q. What’s the easiest way to keep your New Year’s resolution to read more?
A. Turn on your TV’s closed captioning.

New Year’s dad jokes photo: ©soupstock / Adobe Stock.

Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our archives for great articles you might have missed over the years. This article about Halloween with older children comes from 2017.

Last night was Halloween, and there were ghouls and fools aplenty. All our favorite shows were represented in various levels of costumed detail. Movies, too. Star Wars and superheroes, the staples of my own childhood, still remain firmly affixed upon those of my children. There were red balloons and orange buffoons, clowns from every angle.

The ratio of candy given to the amount received was squarely in their favor. My boys laughed. They had fun. They ate more sugar in one night than in the past six months combined. It was an evening of playful mischief and warmly lit wonder.

Man, I’m glad that’s over.

Except, and I’m not supposed to tell you this, it isn’t.

That may be because deadlines created by evil editors in eye shades are forcing me into actually writing this a week before, only pretending to have survived yet another Halloween. Or it may be because we live in a world so much scarier than anything the holiday can throw at us. Either way, we seem destined to live out the rest of our lives (or the next three years, whichever comes first) in a very special episode of American Gothic, but slightly more racist.

Maybe it’s both.

The thing is, I’m having a hard time getting into Halloween this year. There are several reasons, including, but not limited to the aforementioned fact that nothing make-believe can compare to the terror of our actual reality. Knowing that, it makes conversations about costumes and decorations feel mocking and hollow, the gallows humor of a Target aisle.

Also, I quit eating candy.

Additionally, the boys themselves seem less than excited about Halloween this year. As I typically fuel my enthusiasm from theirs, our home shows nothing to suggest the season but a couple of gourds rolling around our doorstep. The spiderwebs hung themselves.

For a while, I thought the boys may be apprehensive, seeing as each of them are in new, bigger schools than they were last year. Maybe they just needed some extra time to get a feel for how Halloween worked at the current level. I may have been too optimistic.

The oldest did have a costume idea that he seemed relatively interested in, where “interested” means he mentioned it once. He thought it would be fun to dress as Monty Python’s version of the Spanish Inquisition, which if you are familiar with the sketch, is quite funny. However, I had to point out that the context may be lost on some people, which would leave him as:

• a non-Catholic kid appropriating a different culture (the irony being that the Spanish Inquisition was established to deny others their respective culture through acts of great severity), and
• wearing religious stuff to a public school, which may or may not be against the rules, but certainly out of my comfort zone.

The youngest remains uncommitted.

I suppose my fear is that this is yet another milestone on the path out of childhood, the one where holidays, while still enjoyed, lose a bit of the magic that once made them monumental. They are no longer the pinnacle of a season, but rather Tuesday with a wig on it.

Factor in the heat (it’s over 100 degrees today), carry the one, allow for whatever, and you’ve got The Great Bupkis, Charlie Brown (rocks sold separately).

Honestly, I don’t know what will become of Halloween this year, if this is new for us or just a phase that we are going through. I’m pulling for the latter. I will do my best to keep the season, but at the end of the day, I just want my kids to have fun. We could all use a bit of that.

UPDATE: We did it. The boys picked out costumes on Monday after school while I went through the slim pickings of discount candy a couple of aisles over. The youngest chose a werewolf mask, the oldest a decorative light. One cut shirt and a jigsaw later I found myself sitting in a neighbor’s house with a group of other parents (and the frequent passerby) watching the Dodgers take it to Game 7 while the boys enjoyed the safety of mob mentality, a pack of sugar-bellied kids knocking and laughing and hopefully saying “thank you.” They were back by the bottom of the 8th, taking the corner and rounding for home.