They say when you experience life through the eyes of your innocent children, you appreciate the little things so much more. And I suppose it’s true. Kids do change your perspective on things.

But kids change everything in your life, not merely the way you look at it.

It re-jiggers your comfort level. It alters your standards. Things you wouldn’t have been caught doing in your pre-parent life become the norm. Outrageous behavior becomes a way of life.

Your younger self wouldn’t even recognize you. And if s/he did, s/he’d think you were a TREMENDOUS loser.

Here’s a little before-and-after list of the ways kids change everything in your life.

At a restaurant

Before kids: “It’s awfully loud in here, do you want to leave?”
After kids: “Thank God it’s so loud, no one can hear their screaming!”

On a road trip

Before kids: “Careful with your soda, babe, I just got the car detailed.”
After kids: *Tosses Doritos and a bunch of fruit boxes in the backseat* “Now shut up!”

Going to the movies

Before kids: “I can’t wait to get the movie theater popcorn! There’s nothing like it!” *Finishes popcorn during previews, gets more* “Extra butter please!”
After kids: *Spend 20 minutes preparing microwave popcorn and shoving sodas in our pockets* “Eight dollars for Junior Mints? Please. This is already costing us $100 bucks. And we’ve missed the previews!”

Friday night

Before kids: *Blacks out, wakes up Saturday morning* “Where am I?” *Pukes … grabs a beer* “ROCK AND ROLL!”
After kids: *Wakes up during the credits of some crappy animated video* “God, I love sleeping.”

Having friends over

Before kids: *Spend all day cleaning* “The place is spotless. We’re finally ready for guests.”
After kids: “I wouldn’t sit there if I were you. .… A coaster? HAHAHAHAHA! … Go ahead. I’m pretty sure that’s just chocolate.”

Weekday mornings

Before kids: *Hits snooze* *Hits snooze* *Hits snooze* “The boss won’t notice if I’m a little late.” *Hits snooze*
After kids: *Wakes up at an hour before alarm goes off* “I FORGOT TO MAKE HIS LUNCH! WHERE’S HIS BACKPACK? SO HELP ME GOD IF HE MISSES THE DAMN BUS!”

Weekend mornings

Before kids: *Hours of blissful nothingness* “I love my life!”
After kids: *Gets kneed in the balls at 5:30 a.m.* “At least I made it past 5 a.m.!”

Going out

Before kids: *Considers multiple outfits, takes leisurely shower, makes drink, listens to music, gets ready, heads out the door at 11 p.m.* “LET’S DO THIS!”
After kids: *Totally forgets about plans until babysitter arrives, throws on smock, rushes out … gets home an hour later* “I’M GOING TO BED!”

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.

Politicians are universally reviled. Especially American politicians. Especially American politicians in the 21st century. Not only can’t they do anything right, but they also can’t do anything at all! It would almost be cute if it didn’t have such impact on our lives.

Which is kind of the deal with kids too.

They may not be universally reviled, but it’s a lot easier to laugh at their antics when they’re not yours. And the similarities don’t stop there.

1. They’ll say anything to get your approval.

Just about every other time my son tells me he loves me, it’s followed by a request for something.

2. They’re the biggest flip-floppers in the world.

No one changes their mind like a child. Mine just threw a fit because I wouldn’t let him watch TV and now he refuses to watch TV because … I don’t even know why. And neither does he. He’s gonna be president!

3. They’ll do anything to prevent their enemies from succeeding.

You think House of Cards is dark? You should see my son’s preschool. They’ve already driven out four teachers.

4. They make promises they can’t keep.

Every time I try to get my son to do something, he tells me he’ll do it tomorrow. Actually, he says “next day” because he doesn’t use the word “tomorrow.” Regardless, it never happens “next day.” I’ll be lucky if it happens next life.

5. They can filibuster like nobody’s business.

My son has literally been talking about “Rescue Bots” for 25 minutes straight. Make that 26.

6. They love to negotiate. (And they’re pretty terrible at it.)

I can’t remember the last meal that didn’t start with my son attempting to get us to let him skip his vegetables and didn’t end with all three of us yelling at each other while nothing gets accomplished. Just like Congress!

7. Bribery always works.

Whether you want to get a bill passed or get some broccoli eaten, sweeten the pot and they’ll eventually come through. Eventually.

8. They blow your budget to hell.

Give a child a calculator and a checkbook and he has about an equal chance of balancing a budget as the members of Congress. Judging by how little my son likes school, they’d probably spend the same amount on education.

9. They get you all excited at first but four years in it’s an absolute nightmare.

I once believed in a place called Hope. But lately, things have gotten so rough, I just wish I could go there. By myself!

10. The person you think you’re getting bears no resemblance to the person you actually end up with.

When this whole thing started, I thought I knew what I was in for: someone with similar interests and values. What I ended up with is a selfish, petulant nincompoop with no conscience and a penchant for lying.

11. They’re all pretty much the same.

Not mine though. He’s special. Things are going to be different with him, I can tell.

I could go on and on; the similarities are endless. Thankfully, my 4-year-old has yet to say anything offensively stupid about rape or immigrants. But other than that, I can’t think of a major differ–

I’ve got it!

What’s the difference between kids and politicians? Kids are smarter.

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried. Photo credit: Do I Know You? via photopin (license)

My parents had a name debate about what to name me before I was born. The first initial had to be an “L” after my late, great-grandmother, Lina. The abbreviated story: Dad wanted Lance. Mom wanted Lincoln (so my nickname would be “Link”). I still run the names through my head: “Link, it’s time for dinner!” and “Lance, it’s time for dinner.” An argument between my parents ensued. Dad won the argument. Either way, I would have ended up with an unusual name. I often wonder what life might have been like as Lincoln.

This brings me to my point. Parents use inspiration, family tradition, baby name books, pop- culture, or various other methods to influence the names they select for their children. Interestingly, the Social Security Administration announced their annual list of most popular baby names over the weekend. The most popular girl name was Isabella, which moved Emma out of first place from last year. The most popular boy name, Jacob, has been at the top of the list for the last 12 years. Since many of these parents end up calling their son “Jake” for short…my son will have to get used to having a very common name.

The 10 most popular girls’ names, in order, are

• Isabella
• Emma
• Olivia
• Sophia
• Ava
• Emily
• Madison
• Abigail
• Chloe
• Mia

The 10 most popular boys’ name, also in order, are:

• Jacob
• Ethan
• Michael
• Alexander
• William
• Joshua
• Daniel
• Jayden
• Noah
• Anthony

The Social Security Administration started compiling name lists in 1997, and as in years past, CNN reports “that the influence of pop culture is reflected in the names selected for newborns.”
Nope, no Lady Gaga yet on the top 100 list! However, the “boy’s name that climbed up the list the fastest is Cullen — the name of the lead character in the popular “Twilight” book/movie series. Cullen’s girlfriend in the books is Bella, short for Isabella.”

I am wondering what hoops, if any, you went through to select your child’s name…