While I often joke about the mom-centric attitude of my children, it’s definitely started to wear me down.
Every day I endure three kids going out of their way to remind me that mommy is superior. Just a bit ago, I stopped writing this to take my daughter to gymnastics. She began to whine and complain. My wife gave in, and here I sit, typing away, reminded I’m the lowest-ranking member of House Lemon.
Most of the time we don’t give in. My wife and I alternate duties, and the kids have to accept it. This doesn’t stop me from hearing about it, though. The kids who stay home with mommy cheer. The kid stuck with lame old dad mopes, whines, and generally makes sure I know I’m the least wanted. My brain can fully rationalize this reality, and I know it’s developmentally appropriate. I know if I wasn’t a stay-at-home dad, they’d likely be clamoring for time with me and less time with mommy. If I was more the pushover and less the rule enforcer, this parental pendulum might swing in my favor. My brain knows this, but my heart remains wounded.
It’s unfair to blame my kids, and it’s particularly unfair to blame my wife for being easy-going and generally more fun to be around. The blame here, if blame is the appropriate word, is upon me. I’m letting my lack of self-worth increase the sting of my kid’s choices. Maybe if my inner monologue wasn’t so negative, I’d have fewer feelings about the kids constantly choosing my wife over me.
I am consistently floored at how often my children are a mirror, reflecting the best and worst of who I am. Not just when their actions mimic mine, but it’s particularly illuminating when my reaction to them gives me previously unseen insight into who I am. Or, perhaps more accurately, who I’m not.
Maybe I’m weaker than I realize? Perhaps my kids are right and I’m the problem.
Or maybe.
Just maybe …
It’s them.
It’s all them!
Truth is, I’m rather fun. And, if the weather is just right, and my back isn’t being too grumpy, I’m downright delightful. Also, I’m not sorry for enforcing the rules. I’m not sorry for saying, “Yeaaaah, that’s a bad idea,” when my son is dangling over a dangerous precipice. Nor do I feel guilty stopping my daughter from getting too close to the dinosaur-infested waters of our local swamp (we live in Florida – it’s all swamp). I’m particularly not sorry for consistently steering the family away from bad decisions which I know will result in tears, meltdowns, fiery bedtime debates, or just general bedlam and reckless tomfoolery.
They can all suck it! It’s not me. It’s THEM!
Folks, we live in strange times. Times that are extremely difficult to navigate. Genders are fluid, fluids are filled with poisonous microplastics, and I’m just on the edge of being too old to adapt to any of it. Some men believe I’m too soft. Some men believe I’m too hard (be proud of the inappropriate jokes I’m omitting here). Everyone has a digital megaphone from which they can loudly judge the decisions and lifestyle choices of others, and here I am just trying to figure out how far I can let my kids ride their bikes from the house, knowing I’ll hear, “Well, Mommy lets me ride my bike in the street.”
Sometimes resistance is a sign you’re on the wrong path. Other times, especially when assuming your natural role as a parent, resistance is a sign you’re doing something right. As parents, we have to be a little annoying. One of us has to be cool, because doing cool stuff is fun, and a little freedom goes a long way. But one of us absolutely needs to apply the brakes. Someone has to speak up, take the heat, and be the sopping wet blanket that ruins all the fun. Some call it balance. I just call it my genetic birthright to be the Gloomy Gus dialing everything back.
Hold strong my fellow parents. Don’t be afraid to be the annoying one, and perhaps most importantly, remember that on the gloomiest of days, when the kids have beaten your ego so bad not even a friendly shaman could help you find it: It’s not you – it’s them!
It’s always them!
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This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.
Photo by Phil Nguyen via Pexels.
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Stop calling my wife, dammit.
Not you, weird dude from work. I’m talking to YOU, doctor’s office. The one who has been told multiple times that if you want to speak to a parent, try dad first.
My son has been through several rounds of examination and treatment with this doctor. My wife has never even spoken to him. For work reasons, she couldn’t make the parental consult meeting. She doesn’t go to these meetings because it is MY JOB.
The next appointment is in two days. And then I get the fateful text from the wife:
“Stupid doctor left me a VM again.” (I paraphrased for cleanliness.)
Listen, this isn’t even about making our lives easier. If you, a medical professional, want to help our children, you need to reach the primary caregiver. Not the working-her-ass-off, leaning-in, awesome-but-busy mom.
At least you aren’t alone. The school nurse still calls my wife, even after five years and two children. This is even though my name appears first on the contact card. I’ve even put an arrow to my number, reading “call dad first.” Still, every once in a while, I’ll get my wife’s “Did they call you instead yet” text. That means if the nurse doesn’t call me soon, I better call her.
The school office has finally learned. Of course, I think it took until I was elected PTA co-president for them to fully get it. The teachers, much to their credit, have understood from day one that this dad gets there a lot faster when there is a sick or paint-covered child. So there’s that.
I can’t imagine how they handle same-sex couples. If there are two dads, does no one get a call? If it’s lesbians, does it force the office assistant into some kind of Linda-Blair-esque, spinning perpetual-motion head spin, trying to decide which mom to call? Perhaps that’s our world’s solution for renewable energy.
Listen: In the grand scheme of things, this is clearly a First-World issue. And it’s not even the biggest one at that. But here’s what this assumption does: It reinforces the incorrect paradigm that men are unable to handle their children’s care and the unfortunate sociological expectation that women can – and will – drop everything in their lives for their kids. This hurts all men and all women.
If we want to live in a world where everyone contributes to their family and society as they see fit, we need to start respecting that, for the most part, almost any task can be done by anyone regardless of the contents of their pants.
Oh, and if you’re the medical professional that provoked the writing of this column and you figure it out, you can win a prize. Just call my children’s NEW primary caregiver.
About the author
Josh Kross is an at-home dad to his three kids. He is the former engineer and producer of The Modern Dads Podcast. He also produced the critically acclaimed Hip-Hop podcast, The Cipher (theciphershow.com).
This blog post, first published in 2014 for the NYC Dads Group blog and since updated, is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com. Photo by Moose Photos from Pexels.
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I think that woman just called me a pedophile.
That’s what went through my mind when I was once part of a panel of at-home dads on a syndicated talk show. The first question (more of an outlandish statement than a question) came from a mother who said she would never leave her daughter alone with a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). She was afraid a man helping her child in the bathroom would not be able to control himself. You know, because we can’t be trusted around a prepubescent vagina. She had seen some bad stuff go down … once on an episode of Law & Order.
As crazy as this woman sounded, it made me think: She can’t be the only one who feels this way. Other issues raised by the audience were less controversial but no less ridiculous. Here’s the actual TV segment:
Based on that experience, here are five sadly popular SAHD myths stay-at-home fathers regularly:
1. Don’t trust a SAHD with your children
This is one of the most annoying and horrific SAHD myths. One of my fellow panelists answered such a pedophile implication with, “That sounds like a ‘you’ problem, not a ‘dad’ problem.” The audience ate it up!
We were not talking about leaving your child with a stranger. I wouldn’t leave mine alone with someone I was not completely comfortable with, man or woman. Furthermore, I wouldn’t leave my children alone with anyone THEY were not completely comfortable with.
But labeling a stay-at-home father “untrustworthy” simply because he’s a guy? That audience member I first mentioned was dead wrong in her belief that a dad cannot be deserving of trust simply because he has a penis.
2. Fathers can’t bond with children like mothers can
I hear SAHD myths like this all the time: Sure, dads can be great parents, but they can never have the same relationship with their children as mothers.
I don’t deny the hard work and heroic efforts women endure during pregnancy and childbirth. A sincere “thank you” to all mothers. You brought us dads the greatest gift in the world. (So stop with the ties on Father’s Day: they’re ugly and we don’t like them.)
But, ladies, the children are just as much ours as they are yours.
I felt a bond with my children the first time I laid eyes on them. My daughter was a daddy’s girl from day one, often to the exclusion of my wife. (Something that caused tears on more than one occasion.) These things ebb and flow, and Mommy is the favorite these days. Not, however, because of some bond that I was not privy to because I have a penis.
3. Stay-at-home dads are not nurturers
What? More gender stereotyping SAHD myths! I am physically unable to pick up my 2-year-old son without kissing and hugging (and usually tickling) him.
There are certainly times when he prefers his mom, but bedtime is Dad Time. When he knows he’s tired, he crawls into my arms. And when he’s tired, but does not know it, I can calm his screams and get him to fall asleep far quicker than my wife can. I think my scent soothes him. I know his scent soothes me.
Nurturing, it should be said, goes beyond all the hugs and kisses I give my kids. I nurture their spirit, confidence, education, and sense of fun (and sometimes mischief). People who don’t think stay-at-home dads nurture have not seen a stay-at-home dad in action.
4. At-home fathers are trying to be better than moms.
Are dads better stay-at-home parents than moms? What a dumb, meaningless question. But that is what the talk show producers wanted us to argue. Dads are not better than moms. And moms are not better than us.
Parenting is not a competition!
I don’t work against my wife to raise our children; I work with her. That we parent differently is a benefit to our kids. They get the best of both worlds.
5. SAHDs are the only fathers worthy of attention
Stay-at-home dads are so hot right now! But we are still in the minority. Not only compared to stay-at-home moms, but compared to all the active and involved fathers who go to work (or work from home) every day and are co-equal parents every night. Why are they being ignored by the media?
Stay-at-home dads are at the forefront of the changing image of fathers, but working dads deserve our attention, too. Like working moms, they are trying to have it all and should be lauded for their efforts. It is not being done enough, so I’ll do it here. You guys are defeating the stereotype of the lazy, bumbling dad who doesn’t know his way around a diaper. Keep up the good work, at the office and at home.
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A version of SAHD myths was originally published by Time Ideas before it ran here in 2014. Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash.
This blog post is part of the #NoDadAlone campaign. Fathering Together/City Dads Group, the National At-Home Dad Network, and Fathers Eve are joining forces to amplify messages that help dads recognize we are not alone! Follow #NoDadAlone on Instagram, and learn more at NoDadAlone.com.
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“Dude, you can live with us if you need to!”
My childhood buddy, Tim, blurted these words when I told him my parents were divorcing. I was 17 years old at the time, and to this day I appreciate his dramatic concern for me.
But I had to smile and remind him: “I’m not becoming an orphan. But thanks for the offer.”
Tim’s offer was tempting. His parents, Jerry and Ann, had been like a “second Dad and Mom” to me for years. Although I enjoyed a healthy upbringing and loved my parents, Tim’s house became the neighborhood “hub” or hangout, especially for boys, during my childhood. The main reason? He had three brothers—Cary, Bryan and Brendan—who loved to play pick-up sports.
The brothers and a group of neighborhood buddies would play street hockey out front, ping pong in the basement, and/or card games in the kitchen nearly every day. During a few of those early years we even played ice hockey on a backyard rink, and Jerry would help me tie my skates. Even before we knew we were hungry, Ann would provide a vat of chili or a pan full of bacon to be devoured by growing boys.
My Second Mom — the “boy whisperer”
Looking back, Ann was especially gifted as the mother of four boys. Somehow she navigated all that roughhousing and trash-talking (along with all that equipment) with grace. And her skills as a nurse helped with all the minor injuries compiled along the way.
You could say Ann was a “boy whisperer.” She often used humor to cope with the chaos surrounding her. For example, she hung an attractive sign above the toilet in the basement bathroom that read: “My aim is to keep this bathroom clean. Your aim will help.”
One of her favorite stories about raising four boys involved her son Bryan when he was young. On a particularly frustrating day as a tired mother buried in childcare, she lamented aloud that she always thought her life would be filled with fame and fortune. Then she heard Bryan’s little voice try to encourage her.
“Guess you have to go to Plan B, Mom!” he said.
Ann would always cackle at that punchline, displaying just how much she loved her boys—a different kind of family wealth.
Ann was not all food and games, however. Whenever we stepped out of line, she would gently nudge us to be better people by saying “hear—hear.” That was her way of getting our attention. What she was really saying was “Have a conscience at the base of all that goofing around.”
No doubt my childhood friends and I didn’t thank Ann enough back then. But that is what made her well-attended 80th birthday party so special several years ago. Because Ann had “showed up” for them as boys, many of those neighborhood buddies “showed up” for her decades later. I have never seen so many grown men (including myself) proclaiming their gratitude to one woman for positively impacting their boyhoods.
During our many toasts to Ann, it was as if she had created a “Fifth Son” Olympics in which we were all competing. Of course, she had already won the gold medal in the “Second Mom” event. One guy even called Ann his “Second Mom” in front of his “First Mom,” who looked on approvingly because she was Ann’s friend and former neighbor.
Appreciate “Second Moms and Dads”
Sadly, Jerry passed away many years ago, and Ann passed more recently. Perhaps the most poignant image from Ann’s memorial service featured many of those same grown men “showing up” again to carry her casket. That is the power of a “Second Mom.”
Although “second Moms and Dads” don’t get a national day of recognition, maybe they should. So be sure to think about the people who may have acted as “second parents” in your childhood. Try to thank them, if possible. Hopefully, you can also serve as a second parent to some of your children’s friends. Be a host, coach, teach, carpool, tell stories or just plain show up and listen to them.
Tim’s offer for me to join his family back in a moment of crisis when I was 17 made me realize I would always have both a first and a second home in this world. Many decades later, I visited Ann in a nursing home, shortly before her passing. When she saw me, her eyes lit up and she whispered: “Vin-Man.” That was one of my nicknames in childhood, and hearing her say it made me feel like a superhero.
In essence, that’s what “second parents” do. They make children feel special and show them they have a second home if needed. Hence, “Second Moms and Dads” are like Plan B. So here’s to Plan B!
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Fathers are incompetent man-children who may be able to keep their kids alive (in a pinch), but not much else.
Mothers are incessant nags who wouldn’t know a good time if it tickled their collective behinds, but they do know to take care of business … around the house, anyway.
WTF!?!
It seems impossibly outdated, yet somehow this view of parenthood as a battle between the sexes rather than a partnership persists.
Give me a friggin’ break.
I know my situation is different than the norm. I’m a stay-at-home dad. When my children go to my wife for help, do they look around and ask, “Where is Dad?” No. They ask her for what they need. When we’re both home, do we magically revert to old stereotypes, that she knows everything and I’m just a dumb lug who scratches himself all day? No! We have a partnership in this whole parenting thing.
I’ve seen the memes about helpless dads countless times. For each one, there are a host of women commenting “oh, yeah!” and “preach it, girl!” I usually just roll my eyes and make a mental note of which of my friends is an idiot that day (or who is getting really annoyed at this silly B.S., which can also be amusing).
Parenting partnership is no joke
These moms are probably mostly joking or venting, maybe thinking back to particular instances when their men could have done more … or maybe these moms just weren’t thinking at all. Totally understandable. I’ve encountered my share of arguably sexist memes and, for an instant, saw a grain of truth in them or just wanted to empathize or bond with the dude who posted it. Then I think about the message I’d be sending to the world – about my wife and women – and I keep scrolling. There are better things to like on the internet. But I’m not mad at the women who click “like” and leave messages of support for this view. I feel sorry for them. Their “partners” are not holding up their end of the implicit parental bargain.
However, I’m willing to bet that most parents recognize how valuable their significant other is. If not, something is wrong in that dynamic. It’s possible that dad is slacking and needs to get his act together. Maybe mom is stressed because dad feels his role as a parent is to provide for his family, and not much else. It’s also possible that mom won’t let him participate as much as he’d like to because he doesn’t fold the laundry the “right way” or cook a “perfectly balanced” meal the way she would. A parenting partnership requires some give and take, particularly the giving up and taking of control.
As a stay-at-home parent, I absolutely depend on my wife. Just like she could not put in long hours at work if I didn’t stay home with the kids, I could not take care of the kids all day if she didn’t share those responsibilities when she was home. I would lose my damn mind!
By the time we pick my wife up at the train station, I am ready to hand over the reins. I am all too happy to take on some of those household responsibilities I shirked during the day. After a long day at the office, every minute with the kids is precious for her. Yes, she’s exhausted, but in a different way. What is something of a break for her is the very thing that threatens every day to break me: those crazy kids and all their questions!
Upon further reflection, maybe those memes aren’t as far off as I originally thought. If the moms who liked it are anything like me, they’re probably hiding in the kitchen once their spouses get home. The kids aren’t asking dad where mom is because dad is a useless idiot, they’re asking because there are times when mom doesn’t want to be found! It’s a good thing that, like me, she has a husband in this whole parenting partnership thing who is ready, willing, and able to take on whatever questions, requests, and demands are thrown his way.
Parenting partnership first ran in 2104 and has since been update. Photo by Katie E from Pexels
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I believe most men have a drive to be a productive part of the economy and the world. But what happens if he becomes a stay-at-home dad?
Would his ego be helped with a part-time job?
What if that part-time job became bigger and bigger?
How would his priorities and identity as an at-home dad change if he were to have the opportunity to enjoy business and economic success that can be parlayed into a fulfilling career?
I’ve had to answer all these questions in the past few years. That last question, though, I’m still working through. In fact, until a few weeks ago, I thought I had worked out all my ego issues.
Since September 30, 2016, my primary “job” has been as dad to our one son, Franklin. My wife and I agreed on my doing this until he started school full-time because neither of us wanted to pay exorbitant childcare costs or wake up at 5:30 a.m. to get our child there. We also have the luxury of being older parents (37 and 40) and were able to prioritize time with the child over money. Since my wife made more money than me, we agreed that I’d be the one to look after our son during the day.
Being an at-home parent is a huge responsibility. It doesn’t have a daily quitting time. You’re parent, teacher, coach, mentor — all in one, all the time. Added to this, my underlying insecurities of being “just” the primary caregiver had already made steady footholds into my subconscious. They helped me justify my working part-time even while raising him. It’s “good for him,” I told myself, to see me holding down this second job. It allows him to learn business, responsibility, professionalism, and finance at a young age. He sees his dad as both the primary caregiver AND a hard worker who shuns fun and games to get ahead.
But these initial justifications have been growing into something more. I’ve let myself start thinking that “if it wasn’t for my child” I’d be able to do so much more. More clients, more money, more focus on business.
Part-time job takes on full-time duties
Recently I told my wife about my plans for my growing part-time job in real estate – task lists, business expansion, hiring more employees, adding more clients. If only I keep working toward it, it’ll be mine! I’ll be a success! I’ll even be able to “brag” about how I can do all these things while I raise a child.
Then my wife stopped me cold. “What are you doing with Franklin?” she asked.
I’d been excited about all the possibilities for me, but not for him.
My wife’s question made me think of all the times I turned down business or opportunities. All the times I said “I can’t” because he and I had things to do. Do I feel bitter about that? Short answer, yes. But is that justifiable? Normal? Did I let my ego take over my responsibilities as a primary caretaker? Has my self-centeredness bled over and impacted his connection to me? Did I just teach my child to be self-centered?
That’s what my internal conflict is truly about and, honestly, I’m still processing it. How can I balance my desires, my success, my ego, and my need for societal and self-acceptance, against what my wife, son and I think should be my main purpose – being a parent in these early years?
This may seem like a ranting of privilege, of someone well-off enough to have the option to stay home full-time while the other spouse works. It’s not. It’s really about losing focus on primary goals in favor of self-indulgence.
With the limited time I have left with my son at home, I have to remember to choose him first. In just 18 months, Franklin will be in school full-time. Then, I’ll have weekdays to myself to work for the next 40 years. But struggling to get out of my own way for the betterment of a greater whole — family harmony, my son’s development and well-being — is constant for me. However, my wife’s one simple question has made me begin to re-focus on the primary purpose of my life. And, I’ve realized the greater whole of “we” over “I.”
This article first ran in 2021. Part-time job/work-at-home dad photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels
]]>Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. These help your stay-at-home partner tips come from 2014.
If you are a stay-at-home parent, you know you and your working spouse handle things differently. I have noticed some issues are even more glaring when the primary caretaker is, like myself, a dad — something made clear by observing other stay-at-home-dads and their spouses during my time helping run a dads group in Philadelphia.
Here are some things bread-winning spouses should keep in mind that would help them and the men (or women) they leave at home with kids all day:
1) Let It Go
You are going to need to let your at-home do things his or her own way. I know it is hard and some things are going to bug you, like that he wipes the counter counterclockwise instead of clockwise, but let that slide. Suggesting how to make things more efficient is fine. In the end, though, he will want to do things his own way. Imposing your will on him may just shut him down more. Let him figure it out and come up with a style that suits him best.
2) Don’t Nag
Nothing is going to motivate him less than constantly asking him to do something. We are aware of our shortcomings. In most cases, we try to find that balance between caring for the kids and managing household duties. If you want to help your partner, give him some time. Sometimes, things go by the wayside because we get overwhelmed.
3) Set Clear Expectations
Sit down together and communicate what you expect to be accomplished each day. Some couples think just managing to keep the kids alive and healthy is enough, but others may have greater expectations about cleanliness, meal preparation, etc. Make sure you end up on the same page. This will help cut down on problems later.
4) Help When You Can
This is a big issue with most stay-at-home parents, male or female. We know you have been working all day and you may have to work into the night as well but any assistance you give us is going to be much appreciated. Men tend to internalize issues until they build up and are afraid to ask for help because we know you are doing so much already and don’t want to start a fight. This is where clear expectations come into play (see No. 3). Tag team the nighttime routine. Ask your husband how he usually does things so you can stay consistent. That is really going to help him the next day with the kids because deviation is going to cause problems with his routine.
5) Communicate Effectively
If something must get done and he hasn’t done it, tell him in a way that does not attack him. Men, in particular, tend to get defensive when their shortcomings are pointed out. I often have difficulty with criticism because I respond better to praise. “Sandwich” the request between some compliments about what we are doing right. That softens the blow and makes us more willing to work on our weaknesses rather than just pointing out what we aren’t doing right.
6) Pencil Us In
We know you are tired (and so are we) but please — work us into your schedule because WE want to be in your inbox. (See what I did there?) It relieves stress and helps you reconnect with each other despite all the stuff you have to do. Instead, do each other.
7) Give Us Some Space
We need “guy time” as much as you need a “girls’ night out.” Offer to watch the kids so he can see that action movie you would never watch with him, or suggest he get together with the guys at a restaurant or bar to blow off some steam. You know how it is at bedtime and on weekends. Imagine your incompetent co-workers hassling you all day. Same deal. Sometimes we just want to drive to Target to walk around aimlessly without someone asking us for something.
8) Take Time For Yourself
We want you to be as rested and sharp as possible because you are providing for our family and you deserve it. If you need some time alone or away from the kids, just ask. He can occupy the kids for a bit so you can nap, catch up on work, or head out to the store by yourself. Just know that eventually, your husband and kids will be coming back.
A version of Help Your Partner first appeared on the DadNCharge blog. Photo: © nicoletaionescu / Adobe Stock.
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Clear your calendar and line up some childcare for early May! You’re invited to attend the Mom 2.0 Summit parenting conference in Scottdale, Ariz.
Mom 2.0, scheduled for May 7-9, 2023, brings together influencers who create content online and on air in parenting, entertainment, food, politics, business, marketing, technology, social change, travel and design. City Dads Group is a media partner for the conference.
Despite the name, the Mom 2.0 Summit is not exclusively for women. Since its start in 2008, the annual conference has brought together like-minded parents passionate about creating content online, digital entrepreneurship, and writing.
“We have partnered with the Mom 2.0 team in a variety of ways since our inception, and we know this will be a valuable experience for parent content creators and entrepreneurs,” said City Dads Group co-founder Matt Schneider.
Organizers have loaded the 2023 Mom 2.0 Summit with information from experienced creators and industry professionals. Slated discussions include:
- Turning your content into cash
- Building a successful online writing community, newsletter, or TikTok feed
- Becoming a local influencer
- Prioritizing, organizing and simplifying your life
- Working with brands and using affiliate links
+ + Get more info on 2023 Mom 2.0 Summit + +
Scheduled keynote speakers include:
- Jen Hatmaker. A New York Times bestselling author and podcaster. Her books include For the Love, Of Mess and Moxie and Fierce, Free and Full of Fire. She also hosts the award-winning For the Love podcast and leads an online community that reaches millions of people each week.
- Attica Locke. An award-winning author and writer/producer for television and film. A former writer and producer of the hit TV show Empire, Locke is also a New York Times best-selling author. Her novels include Heaven, My Home and Bluebird.
- Tembi Locke. Actor, screenwriter, TV producer, and like her sister, Attica, a New York Times best-selling author. Her memoir From Scratch: A Memoir of Love, Sicily, and Finding Home was adapted by Attica into the Netflix series From Scratch. The show earned six NAACP Image Award nods and a Los Angeles Film Italy award.
- Austin Channing Brown. The CEO of Herself Media is a media producer, author, and speaker focused on racial justice in America. She is also the New York Times bestselling author of I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness.
Along with scheduled speakers, panels and workshops, attendees will have ample time to network and connect with brands that work with online creators.
Mom 2.0 is to be held May 7-9, 2023, at the JW Marriott Scottsdale Camelback Inn Resort & Spa in Scottsdale, Ariz. Tickets cost $599.
Photo: Courtesy Mom 2.0 Summit.
]]>Editor’s Note: Mental health issues are among the many things most people, men in particular, are reluctant to discuss. Former Boston Dads Group co-organizer James Mahaffey has no such fear. In this 2013 post from our archives, he writes frankly about the male postpartum depression he experienced following the birth of his daughter.
Once, possibly twice, during my first three months of parenthood, I found myself huddled in my home office, secretly and somewhat reluctantly shedding a tear in the dark. A very dignified and manly tear, that is. The kind that wells up and glosses over just the bottom half of the eye before stoically leaping like a cliff diver descending in a super quick, unquestionably deliberate, straight line down the cheek, never to be seen again.
This tear was brought on by a combination of things.
My newborn’s constant piercing screams.
The unexpected disagreements with her mother on what to do during those times.
My guilt for the occasional “bad” thought many parents have felt at some time but rarely admit.
I remember wondering if I was “depressed a little.” I had been feeling this way for longer than I cared to admit. It was a feeling I couldn’t seem to shake.
And, as a man, I didn’t necessarily know what to do except secretly cry in the dark.
It wasn’t until we were at the first post-birth checkup that I even thought about my manly tear incident again. Typically at this appointment, women fill out the Edinburgh Depression Scale to find out if they are experiencing “signs or symptoms associated with postpartum depression.” After reading the questions I started uncomfortably laughing. I began to feel like someone should be asking me the same questions.
I didn’t carry or give birth to a 7-pound human being. However, I have been there from day one and every day since our daughter was born. It’s not like the shrieks and cries of an inconsolable baby or the physically and emotionally draining late nights and resulting sleep deprivation were her mother’s to experience alone. I was up with her, helping out (and suffering just the same) as much as I could through all of those early tests of parenthood.
But maybe it wasn’t male postpartum depression I was experiencing. Maybe something else was going on inside of me. The first three months are one of those stages where I do believe certain mothers are better equipped than fathers to withstand the irritability of their newborn. CJ didn’t seem to be as emotionally affected as I was.
So when CJ was filling out the form, I made a column for myself next to her’s so I could also answer the questions. We went in and I, of course, made light of my little “cry for help” that manifested itself in the form of a drawn-in column on a post-partum questionnaire. She laughed a little, too. In fact, we all laughed and then we got back to focusing on CJ.
But should we have?
The issue is real. A 2010 study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that about 10 percent of fathers become depressed before or just after their baby is born. This is more than double the rate of depression in the general male population.
Men’s mental health is rarely discussed and is almost taboo in some scenarios. This is another reason why I grew a mustache in November to raise awareness and funds for the Movember movement. For two decades, the movement has raised funds and awareness to combat prostate and testicular cancer make people. In more recent years, Movember has added a special focus on mental health.
Please help others worse off than me. Raise awareness of paternal depression and keep an eye on your father friends, especially those with newborns. No dad needs to suffer in silence anymore.
About the author
After nearly being “shhh-ed” to death while his daughter napped, filmmaker James Mahaffey decided to vlog about his journey at “Becoming a Ninja: Freedom to Fatherhood,” where a version of this post originally appeared.
Male postpartum depression photo: © pololia / Adobe Stock.
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“Push on my belly.”
It seemed like such a simple request from my wife. Once I complied with it, I’d never seen her in so much pain, and I had previously witnessed her giving birth to our two children.
After a little more pushing and prodding, it was clear something needed to be done. Was all the pain and nausea simply symptoms of her first trimester of pregnancy? Could it be something more serious, like appendicitis? A doctor needed to access the situation.
We hopped in the car and drove 20 bumpy and agonizing minutes to the hospital. We arrived, checked in, and were sent to triage.
After receiving a CT scan, it was time to sit … and wait. There was not much else to do while the doctors checked the results. Over the course of the next few hours, we flipped through several TV channels and finally landed on the movie Fight Club. It had been well over a decade since I’d last seen this movie. I’d passed it up while flipping through channels many times before, but for some reason that night I was drawn to it. I clearly remember one scene where Brad Pitt’s character (Tyler Durdin) holds a gun to the back of a guy’s head and threatens to shoot him. After a few minutes, Tyler lets the man go. He then goes on to talk about the new appreciation that the man will have for his life:
“Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel’s life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted.”
This struck me as a deranged but somewhat understandable comment.
Answers and more worries
Three hours later, the answer was clear. My wife had appendicitis. An appendectomy is a relatively simple procedure (at least that is what I was told) but everything becomes a little more complicated when your wife is 14 weeks pregnant. And things become a lot more complicated when the part of the body where the surgery will be taking place is essentially right next to an unborn child. As scary and dangerous as the possibilities were, the surgery was necessary. An untreated and ruptured appendix would certainly mean the loss of a baby and potentially terrible consequences for my wife as well.
At 1 in the morning, she was wheeled away for surgery.
She returned to the room at 4 a.m. She was not doing well coming off the anesthesia. My wife began alternating between thinking she was the doctor and giving orders to the nurses about her care, dropping F-bombs about the entire situation, and vomiting into a bucket next to her in the hospital bed. Finally, things calmed down. Off to sleep she and I went.
After a few hours of sleep, the next day was quickly upon us. It was time to see what type of stress the surgery had put on the baby and check the baby’s heartbeat. Our doctor that morning was someone that had our complete trust. Just a year earlier he’d delivered our second child and once someone delivers your baby, there is a lifelong bond you carry with that person. Our doctor arrived in the room wheeling in a Doppler machine. He pressed the microphone to my wife’s belly, no sounds were heard.
“Don’t panic, don’t panic,” was all I could say to myself, over and over.
I gauged our obstetrician’s behavior to help me know how to react. He was calm, so I stayed calm. Maybe there was something wrong with the machine. In came the ultrasound machine. After a minute of fumbling around to get it set up, we could see the baby.
The baby was not moving and no heartbeat could be seen or heard. Panic began.
Waiting on a sign of life
So many thoughts raced around in my head. “Calm down, be strong for your wife,” I told myself. “Stay calm, stay calm.”
Again, I looked at the doctor to help measure my own reaction, this time I could see the fear and sadness in his eyes. I gripped my wife’s hand even tighter. What happened next was the saddest moment of my life. The doctor removed his hands from the machine, looked into our tired eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so, so sorry.”
There was nothing left to do but cry.
While this was going on, another doctor, a close friend of my wife’s, ran to grab a different type of ultrasound probe. They decided to try a different probe, hoping for different results. Through the tears in our eyes and pain in our hearts, we barely even paid attention to what she was doing.
Then, suddenly, the ultrasound showed MOVEMENT!
Wonderful, beautiful movement!
Our little baby was fine and kicking away. I have never felt a greater range of emotions than I felt that morning. From the deepest darkest place I didn’t even know existed to a mountaintop high feeling of pure joy. Amazing! Unbelievable! Miraculous!
We continued to cry, but now it was for different reasons. Once the doctor left the room, we spent a great deal of time trying to come to grips with all that had happened in the last 24 hours. One thing that kept flashing back in my mind was the scene from the movie Fight Club we’d watched the night before.
Tyler Durden made a good point. Never in my life have I appreciated the joy that is watching a baby move inside my wife’s belly quite like I experienced that morning. And even though it was a stale bagel with a plastic tub of peanut butter smeared on it, Tyler got it right … my breakfast tasted better than any meal I have ever tasted.
A version of this first appeared on Indy’s Child. Photo: © serhiibobyk / Adobe Stock.
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